So there you go. Between the book and the ECW Playset, you have plenty to pop some money down on. Speaking of World Wrestling Insanity, it’s time for the show that started it all. What will be the final verdict between John Cena and Triple H? Can the former and future DeGeneration Xer put the World Title back around his waist? Will Mick Foley explain his evil actions from last week that left Tommy Dreamer’s Bingo Balls in pain? Does the Big Red Machine have any more freak-outs planned prior to this week’s big screen debut of the DaVinci Code? Only one way to find out. Call Katie Vick and study the Mona Lisa ‘cause Monday Night is now upon us. It’s 9 o’clock. It’s the USA Network. Most importantly, it’s Raw! Yee-haw! Can I get a woo-woo? No? Oh….uh, OK. My bad. Sorry.

Raw Theme Plays

Yo! Jim Ross is here with a shout-out to all his beeotches! We are kicking it live with Jerry Lee Lawler. Guess what, kids? First match up is the WWE Title match between John Cena and Triple H! Goodness, gracious…Great balls of puppies. Let’s go to Lillian Garcia for some overdramatic introductions!

Hunter! Hunter! The book I ordered for us has finally shipped!

Oh no, Steph…you didn’t!

Time to play the Game, plebian. The Big Sideburned Machine, Triple H, is the first one out and he’s got his trusty bottle of water, Miss Betsy, in his hand. We watch some footage from Hunter’s adventures last week before his opponent is introduced. Guess what, though. Go on. Guess. When the announcement is made...it ain’t John Cena who pops out from backstage. Nope. It’s a man half his age, twice his size, and three times as loony-tunes. It’s the chairman of the board….Vince McMahon!

That’s right. Mr. McMahon struts on in and he’s dressed like the late Peter Tamarkin from "Press Your Luck." Good ol’ J.R. says that Vinnie Mac could be wearing a mask and still be recognizable from his swagger. (JG Note: Well, from the strut, it would have to either be Vince McMahon or a drunken gorilla in a mask.) VKM has interrupted the festivities because he has great news. At first, I hope he might shill my book, but he doesn’t. Then I thought he might be doing one of those stupid "saved a bunch of money on my car insurance" jokes, but he doesn’t. Instead – get this – his big news is actually is big news. He’s turning tonight’s one-on-one thing between Helmsley and Cena into a new match. Yup-yup. Its going to be a 3-on-2 Handicap match. It’s going to be Intercontinental Champion Rob Van Dam and WWE Champion John Cena versus Triple H, Chris Masters, and Shelton Benjamin! That’s right! Even better…both titles will be on the line! If RVD gets pinned, he loses his IC Gold. If Cena loses the fall, he drops his WWE belt. No foolies. It’s the "first ever 3-on-2 Handicap Texas Tornado match." That means everyone is in the ring at once! It’s a Pier Six Slobberknocker! Before Hunter can protest, Vincenzo Macaroni calls for the music and John Cena bee-bops his way to the ring. Ding, ding, ding.  Oh…it’s awwwwn.

1) Shelton Benjamin, Chris Masters, and Triple H defeated John Cena and Rob Van Dam in a 3-on-2 Double Title Handicap Match when Benjamin pinned RVD for the Intercontinental Championship

This was actually a good way to start the show. The match had a special feel to it and WWE did it’s best to make it seem that way. They pointed out the historic nature of the contest. After all, this has never been done before. That being said, I’m sure that’s not true. While I’m sure it might be the first "Double-Title 3-on-2 Handicap Texas Tornado Match" in WWE history, I doubt it’s the first regular ol’ "3-on-2 Handicap Texas Tornado Match." Phew. That’s a lot to write. Regardless, it still had a lot to it and it told the story it set out to tell. There was animosity between the heels when Van Dam was left alone with them and each man went after the other in order to prevent a fall from taking place. All this bickering opened the villains up to an ambush by the returning Cena, who had gotten tossed to the crowd earlier on. He ran back in and started tearing into everyone. John’s learning how to Nash it up in the ring to cover up his shortcomings. For example, he got the crowd really hyped up when he ran back into the ring to clean house. The drawback? He did three lazy suplexes on each guy that would have gotten booed out of the building had a more hostile crowd greeted him. In the end, that’s not important. People don’t pay by the move. They pay to be entertained. If you can get them out of their seats, that’s all that’s important. It doesn’t matter if you use a wrestling hold to do it or a hand motion. Either way, it gets people on their feet. The finish to this match was also pretty good. Triple H had nailed the WWE Champion with a Pedigree. JC hit the mat and Helmsley went for the cover. Unfortunately for him, Shelton Benjamin had placed his arm over a prone RVD one second earlier, thus getting a three count. Shocked, Tripz has to sit back and learn that Shelly B is the new Champion of the Intercontinentals, while he’s the new Champion of Nothing. Oh poor you!

Following the bell, the King of Cartoons took out his ruthless aggression on referee Mike Chioda. The man in the stripes found himself Pedigreed by Mr. H. I’m sure that’ll earn him some fines from President Jack Tunney, Brain. Can’t go putting your hands on an official like that.

Commercial Break. Soccer Players drink Gatorade. All I really got out of this commercial was to avoid playing soccer if I want to avoid drinking Gatorade. Not a problem. I’ll leave the footabllin’ to the professionals and the Gatorade for the winning coach’s head.

During the break, Crybaby McMuttonchops, enraged over his failure to capture the Spinny Title, refused to answer Todd Grisham's questions.

Last week... Mick Foley turned bad and no one cared. He explains his actions this week. Then it’s Kenny meeting Shawn Michaels with the Spirit Squad banned from ringside. Not only that, but there’s also a still-unnamed guest referee for the contest. Ooooo, I hope it’s Zamfir – Master of the Pan Flute. He’s just delightful.  Let's get he one-armed lady out here to entertain us.

Miss Trish Stratus is here and her arm is all wrapped up in a sling. Poor Trish. As my crazy Uncle Ralph pointed out, she still has one good hand, so he’s "all for it." My Uncle Ralph’s a jerk. Anyway, Strats is here because she has some unfinished – as she puts it – "bi’niss" with Mickie James. Now injury or no injury, T.S. wants to hook it up. No match. No title. Let’s do it like Tommy Gunn and Rocky Five! Let’s take it to the streets!  Yo...Mickie James.  I didn't hear no bell.  Now get out here!

Cue Mickie.

Mickie Foley?

Mickie James shows up with her Women’s Title planted over one shoulder. The announcers play up her psychosis as M.J. walks to the ring and stares down her nemesis. The two women circle one another until James runs in for a clothesline, Stratus does that Matrix thing and suddenly another woman runs into the ring and takes the Mickster down. She manages to keep the Champion pinned to the mat until she’s kicked away.

As Mickie runs from the ring, Trish introduces her new friend, Beth. That’s right. Her new friend Beth. That’s it. In OVW, she had a last name. Now she’s Just Beth. Sort of like "Just Joe" only she’s a girl…named Beth. The camera pulls in close on Beth Phoenix who actually looks a lot like Victoria with blonde hair. New Friend Beth apparently has some beef with the new champion. She says that she won’t let her get away with what she did to her. She fails to say what that thing is, but makes sure to call the Women’s Champ a "psycho." No one reacts except for Mick, who acts corny as hell.  I'm talking really hammy.   She lets out a forced scream and the audience collectively fall asleep all at once.  Splendid.  In a feud that has had mostly high points, this was a low one.

See No Evil video package. In wrestling gear at the premiere, Kane says that this movie allows him to act out his fantasies. Apparently he’s already lived out one of them – to go to a movie premiere without a shirt on.

Commercial Break. With Herculiner Truck Bed Liner Adhesive – The Tough Comes Easy. So go ahead and put it on your barbecue steaks. Mmmmm. It’s the only marinade with that back-of-a-Ford taste.

WWE 24/7 Moment of the Week is Bruno Sammartino defeating Buddy Rogers for the initial WWWF title. From there, the video does a great job of kissing Bruno’s ass. Hey, uh...whatcha doing in March 2007, Bruney Baby? Dust off the yellow suit. New Yawk is callin’.  Ring!  Ring!

Vince Son #1, Triple H, is freaking out backstage when Vince Son #2, Shane McMahon, arrives. VS1 tells VS2 that he’s not happy with the outcome of the "cluster" that V set up earlier. Oh, VS1, don’t be so P.O.ed. V made good on his IOU when the WWE Title was on the line. Now it’s time to pay the V-Man, VS1. You’re aware that Kenny of the SS has a match against HBK later on, right? Well there’s no guest ref. Now relax, VS1. VS2 doesn’t need you to be the guest ref. Oh no. That guest ref is none other than VS2! YES! That’s right! It’s Mr. Vee Ess Two is the official for the match and we can all rest assured that Shawn Michaels is going to be D.O.A! As for you, H. You can be in Kenny’s corner. A-OK? A-OK.

Kenny! Johnny! Bertram! Paco! Stinky!

2) WWE Tag Team Champions The Spirit Squad (Johnny and Nick) defeated Goldust and Gene Snitsky when Nick pinned Gene

Scary start to this match sees Jim Ross reference Snitsky’s "foot fetish," which he says there’s "nothing wrong with." Even Creepy Jerry Lawler incredulously says "What?" Lawler was actually "on" a bit for this match. He had a good line about Snits, saying that "the Glamour Shots people gave him his money back." As for the Goldy/Gene pairing, in the grand scheme of things, these two as a team makes the most sense. They’re both similar in their gimmicks. They also need something to do. Ever since he kissed Lita, Gene-o has been on his way down the ladder. I still think he has some potential and hope he can find a niche he settles into. WWE is very "what have you done for use lately" and that baby-killing stuff was two years ago. Dustin has been somewhat successful in pairings and his interaction with Booker T was one of the few things that made 2002-2003 tolerable. Sadly, this match bit the big one. After some bland back-and-forth and an apathetic crowd to boot, Mikey came barreling down the aisle, hopped on the trampoline, and sprung into the ring. While sailing over the top rope, he hooked Snitsky in a Bulldog. Nickie made the cover and it was all over except for the shouting, as they say. AHHHHHH! OK. Now it’s all over.

Mick Foley is heading to the bathroom! Wait…wait, no. No, he’s heading to the ring. Sorry. Sorry ‘bout that. I wasn’t sure.

Commercial Break. The WrestleMania 3 DVD Set . Don’t miss the chance to own the DVD featuring Triple H as Lothar of the Hill People!

Cue Mick.

Mick James?

Why can’t this ever be easy?

Mick Foley's music hits and he enters the ring.  With a microphone in hand, he knows that we’re all wondering about one very important thing. What was up with Cactus Jack and Melina getting all chummy at Kane’s Movie Premiere? Ooo-la-la! After laughing at his own adultery joke, Foley says that the real question here is about Tommy Dreamer. How can Beyond-The-Mat Mick possibly have done the things he’s done? He was buddy-buddy with Adam "Edge" Copeland! He kissed Lita on the cheek! What up with all that? How can he do what he’s done? People were outraged. Who? Well, I’ll let Mr. Bang Bang tell you all about it…

"I want to bring out another guy you might be familiar with. A guy who berated me on my telephone answering machine…saying I was a better man than I showed on Monday night. Hell, he was hardcore before the word hardcore existed. He is a legend. He is my mentor. Ladies and gentlemen, the Texas Bronco…Terry Funk."
- Mick Foley, 10:01pm

(JG Note: Talk about timing! Terry Funk is one of the 11 performers who participated in World Wrestling Insanity: The Book  with on-the-record quotes. You can get Terry’s exclusive and unfiltered views on ECW’s revival, The McMahon Family and more. For a complete list of the wrestlers who participated in the book, read the Insanity FAQ here. )

Terrible Terry Funk is here and he’s got beef with Cactus Mick. What’s the deal, kid? How could you punk out Tommy Dreamer last week? Huh? You turned your back on ECW! Foley says that he and Edge had the greatest hardcore match in history. When Terry argues, Foleys swears he’ll defend the honor of three things – his wife, his kids, and his legacy. Ain’t no way he’s gonna let no ECDub scumbags back into his company to destroy that! Terrence says that Dude Love must be loco. Come on, Duder. You ARE ECW! ECW is family! Not only that, but you’re like a son to the Funkster! Damn right, Mick. You’re a son! Terrence wraps his arms around the big lug and tells him how much he loves him. All seems Hallmarky Sweet until...

Foley talks about the last time both men were in the ring. He says that it was in 1998 and could have been a lot more recent. Unfortunately, back in 2003 at Madison Square Garden, Mick was honored in a hardcore ceremony. Steve Austin was there! All M.F.’s old comrades were there…except for you! Why? WHY?! Because you were home! Why?! Because you wanted too much money! You big jerk! You broke Mankind’s heart. How can you say that Cactus is your son?! You shut your mouth! You shut your damn mouth! This ring is Foley’s! These fans are for the Hardcore Legend! They’re not here to see you, Funky! No! Guess what, old man. In a few years, you’re gonna be dead. Kaput. They’ll call Dude Love to appear at your funeral and – surprise, surprise – he’s gonna say that he’ll do it for an "awful lot of money." After calling Amarillo, Texas a dump, Mickey changes his mind and says he’ll fly out for free when Funk drops dead after all. That way he can spit on his grave. He calls Terrible Terry a "greedy old bastard" and the Texas Bronco flips his lid.  He refuses to hit his good friend first, so he tries to push him to throw the first punch.

"Foley! I’m gonna John Wayne your ass! I’m gonna beat the hell out of you, Foley!…You take your best shot! Take it! I can’t take it. Take it, Foley. Take it! Take it! Take it! Take it! Take your best shot. Is that the best you got? Come on. Come on, Foley. Take it. Take it! Take it! Take it! Take it, Foley. Come on! Hey Foley! If I had a head like yours, I’d have it circumcised. I said, if I had a head like yours, I’d have it circumcised. Hey Foley! Hey Foley. Your wife’s a whore. Heyyyyyy Foley! Hey Follley! Your kids are bastards! Come on, Foley! Heeeeyyyy Foley! Heeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Foley! The WWE sucks…!"
- Terry Funk, 10:10pm

This promo was classic Terry Funk. He really cracked me up. It reminded me of the old ECW promo he did with Raven where he walked into the lockerroom, looked at Rave, and just said "Hey asshole." Great stuff. I got the point of it too, although it seemed to get lost a bit in translation. While some thought Mick’s attack was justified due to Funk’s taunts, unlike a heel’s retaliation would be. That wasn’t the point. The point was that it took an insult of WWE to throw Mick into fisticuffs. He took taunts about his family and his head, but finally lost his mind over a WWE insult. Now that’s the heel story they’re telling. A brawl broke out and Terry Funk, at half-speed, ended up throwing punches at his "son." With Mankind reeling, Edge arrived, but got beat up too. Funk’s slow-mo offense was too much for the heels to take and the hometown Texas crowd loved every minute of it. With both men slumped in corners, the Funky One waved his arms and called to the fans for support. Little did he know that Lita was crouching right behind his ass and preparing to punch him in the cowbells.

After the lowblow, Adam and Mickey went to town on Terry with a barbed wire baseball bat. After repeated blows with the weapon, Funk was still shouting insults. That was all put to rest with Mr. Socko. Mankind thrust his sock into his "father’s" mouth and Copeland ran in for a Spear. With the Icon down and out, Edgy knelt over him chanting "ECW." Looks like Team WWE scores another victory in the battle against The Alliance ECW.

  Still to come: Kenny versus Shawn Michaels with guest ref Shane McMahon. In Kenny’s corner, the Insanity cover boy.

Retro-Commercial Break. Oh Snap.

Matt Striker is here and he’s wearing a Mean Street Posse vest. His hot button of the day is immigration. He doesn’t want to lecture on it because the audience is full of immigrants! Ha! So, he badmouths Texas Tech University instead and prepares to face the challenge of Eric Bischoff’s nephew. What? No…not Jason Hervey. I'm talking about Eugene.

3) Matt Striker pinned Eugene Dinsmore after a Wheelbarrow Knee-on-the-Neck Thing

This match was filler. To be honest, I really have nothing new to say about either one of these guys. Striker has a pretty intricate finishing move now. It’s like one of those Rube Goldberg MouseTrap things. He put his knee behind his bent over opponent’s head. Then he hooks an arm and flips them over. He ends up jamming his knees into their neck (sort of like Carlito’s finisher, only he does it to the neck instead of the back.) That’s it. Time has been killed and that’s the important thing here.

Recap of Kane’s descent into madness. The video proves one thing. Since going crazy, the Big Red Machine certainly laughs a lot. Sure, it’s an evil laugh, but he’s still laughing. Maybe he’s happy being crazy. We should all leave him alone and let him be happy in his craziness. You know, like Tom Cruise.

Commercial Break. It’s so weird. I like Jon Lovitz and I like Subway. Yet, I want to kick my TV screen in whenever the Jon Lovitz Subway commercials come on. Something about his accent irks me.

Recap of the 3-on-2 Double Title Match. HAHAHAHHA! OK. This was kinda funny. Someone must have pressed the wrong buttons in the truck because Maria’s Kiss-Cam kicked in during this. What does that mean? Well, it means that just as Hunter was about to Pedigree Rob Van Dam, the scene turned still, faded a bit, and then showed Trips hitting his favorite move…while being surrounded by a pink heart. It just cracked me up. It’s a heartwarming way to show Helmsley doing what he loves most…putting himself over someone. Awwww.

The Pedigree-Cam girl, Maria, is backstage and she’s standing by with Carlito. Last week, Carly attacked Eugene for getting involved in his match. Why, Coolio? Why? After a stock answer, Carl turns the floor over to Mary, who was really hamming up the ditz thing. It was to the point of being ridiculous. She asks Triple C about his T-shirt. What does that mean – "Do you spit or swallow?" Cool turns the question around and asks the interviewer if she spits or swallows. To this she replies – and this was the whole point of this stupid thing – "When eating an apple?…I swallow!" Get it?  She swallows.  Oh ho ho.  (JG Note: Here’s a public service for all of you guys out there who might not know better. It IS NOT A GOOD IDEA to wear the "Do you spit or swallow" shirt to work on casual Fridays. You’re welcome.)

From swallowing apples to stroking grapefruits, Vince McMahon is in another section of the arena with Candice Michelle. He leans in for a big sloppy open-mouthed kiss when he’s confronted by Triple H. VS1 has a scowl on his face and isn’t phased by his father-in-law’s words of praise. Here’s the deal, Hunterella. You got what you want tonight. You got a title match. Well, now it’s time for you to make good on the night. You’re in Kenny’s corner, right? Well take this sledgehammer and bash Shawn Michaels’ head in. Once that happens, we can start a new era in WWE. (JG Note: Uh, if it’s the era of Triple H and Vince McMahon running the show, then it’s not new. It’s actually the same era we’ve been suffering through since 2002.)  Vinnie smirks as Steph's baby daddy walks away.

Commercial Break. Not only can you use Herculiner for your beef and truck lining, you can use the jar it comes in as a drum! Nice!  Is there anything you can’t do, Herculiner?

Armando Alesandro Rodr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-iguez is in the – ¿Cómo se dice...? – ring. He decides to talk to the jobber once again. Hey Jobbo Von Slobbo, your fate is sealed. Why vowel will do the dirty work? Ayyyyyyy…. Eeeeeeeeee…. Aiiiiiiiiiii….. Ohhhhhhhhh…. Oooooooooo-MAGA!

4) Umaga squashed Jobbo Von Slobbo with the Spiked Thumb

Bam! Owwww! Hyahh! OUCH! BOOYAH! NOOOOO! Thumb. Pin. Then End

Over on Smackdown…everyone who’s really big gets a chance to kick Rey Mysterio’s ass. WWE is a firm believer in figuring out the weak points of its performers, analyzing what they are, then shining a huge-ass spotlight on those weak points until the performer is no longer over. Hey. It might not be the best system, but it’s the only one they got.

Shane McMahon is backstage with the Five-Man Team with The Sprit Squad. The Men in Green give Shane-o Insane-o a big cheer and Jim Ross tells us that their match is next!

2,4,6,8…Vince’s seed made Shane real great! YAAYYYYYYYYYY…Semen!

Commercial Break. "Oxy Chill Factor." I wasn’t really paying attention so I’m not really sure what it is. It sounds like a face cleanser that you can also smoke.

We’re back with another "See No Evil" pimp-job. I wish they’d show Sensational Sherri and Randy Savage leaving the theater for old time’s sake. Oooooo yeah! Freak out! Freak out! Zeus with the star of See No Evil! Dig it!

5) Shawn Michaels and Kenny fought to a No Contest

Guest referee Shane McMahon was up to no good right from the start. He showed his favoritism and it became clear that Shawn wouldn’t get a fair contest. At one point, Michaels is thrown from the ring and it looks as though the Game might splatter his head in with the hammer, but conveniently Ken attacks before that can happen. Back in the ring, Little Mac allows massive cheating and does nothing about Kenny’s use of a leather belt. Finally, fed up with the unfairness, HBK comes back and takes down his opponent. Then, he grabs the belt and whips Shane-o Semen-Boy until he runs from the ring. Despite ample opportunity, Trips still does not interfere against Michaels. He watches the Boy Toy tune up his foot for some Sweet Chin Music and eventually get pummeled by the returning Shane McMahon. The ref gives Michaels a repeating inverted backbreaker, ending with the Heartbreak Kid held in position for Triple H’s wrath. The Game grabs his trusty sledgehammer and steps in the ring. He takes what’s left of the Shawn’s hair and tells him…

"I want you to see this coming!"
           - Triple H

(JG Note: I chuckled here because it seemed like a double-meaning thing. It seemed like a tongue-in-cheek reference to the DX Reunion, which happens to be the worst kept wrestling secret since…well, the ECW reunion. It also could be used to illustrate that he’s warning HBK about the hit and giving him a chance to move. Whatever the case, it was much more than the threat it was presented to be. Deep, man. Groovy. Seriously, though. I did like it. WWE doesn’t do enough subtle stuff like that anymore.)

With that, Hunter runs in for a hammer hit and ends up "accidentally" nailing Shane in the head! The McPrince falls to the mat and the King of Kings looks stunned by what’s happened. Incensed, Vince McMahon runs to the ring and cradles his biological son in his arms. He calls for help while Trippy swears it was accidental. HHH leaves the squared circle while paramedics fill the ring. Mr. McMahon holds his boy’s head in his arms and weeps while we fade to black.

All in all… Not a bad Raw, but it had some pitfalls.

We got an IC title change. The problem? No one really cared about it. The story was Triple H’s failure to get a win over Cena. Poor mama-less Benjamin was left with no one to cheer for his accomplishments. Speaking of cheering…

You know what sucks? I want to praise WWE for putting Kenny Doane in such a high profile position at an early stage in his career, but I know he’ll complete this stint and then job for a while. They always seem to do that. So many talents are pushed hard and then forgotten and it just gets old. In some ways, it’s hard to form a vested interest in any performer because chances are they’ll be off the A-show within a year, if they’re not sent to OVW first. La Resistance, the Bashams, Cade and Murdoch, the forgotten future has become a big part of Big Mac’s empire. While we can all argue that they shouldn’t have been brought up in the first place, it’s immaterial because they were brought up. Given all the TV time and push put into them, they should end up seeing more long-term benefits than they do. In the end, it makes all the TV time that the viewers put into watching them seem like a waste.

Just wondering, but what did Kane do on last year’s May 19^th? I don’t remember any eye grabbing.

I was stoked to see Terry Funk return to the ring. I think it’ll be even more interesting once you guys get a chance to read his take on ECW in World Wrestling Insanity. Some of the things he said were out of sync with tonight’s promo. Aside from that, the promo itself was great. Funk can still get a great reaction on the mic and he has a genuinely crazy demeanor about him. Heeeey Foley!

Tonight’s biggest downfall? Triple H should have hit Vince McMahon with the sledgehammer. Tonight should have been the babyface turn. You have a hot crowd, eager to see some forward movement in this snail’s pace storyline. How many teases can you do until the audience loses interest? I hope we don’t find out.

The Mickie James thing was boring. The Matt Striker thing is stale. The Odd Squad is…well, there to kill time. So, the episode had it’s ups and downs. It’s like life. You might be up. You might be down. But in the end, Triple H always hits someone with a hammer.

That’s it for me, guys. Buy the book and check back throughout the week for more goings on here at World Wrestling Insanity! It’s an exciting time for all of us and I thank all of you for checking us out here on the site. Things have been nothing short of terrific and we have all of you thank for that. Be well and thanks for sharing the Insanity.

Write to James: James @WorldWrestlingInsanity.com