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JG's 5/30/05 Raw Insanity: Kane's a Fourth Grader in the Bedroom and Other Love Stories

By James Guttman May 30, 2012 - 5:04 PM print


McMahon Home...May 30, 2005

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Vince McMahon is flipping hamburgers on his grill while a party rages on around him

Vince McMahon: (singing)  Yankee Doodle came to town riding on a pony.  Get a hat and get the girl and something maca-roni.....Oh, Yankee Doodle get it up, Yankee...hey!  Welcome to the barbeque, Lita.  Can I get you a hamburger or something?

Lita: No, Mr. McMahon.  I was just...uh, line....?

Vince: Lita, we've been over this a lot.  There's no lines when you're not on TV.  When you talk to people, you're just speaking yourself.

Lita: Oh.  Well, I was just looking for Edge.  This year was supposed to be the one where we came to the WWE Memorial Day Barbeque together.  I haven't seen him all day.

Vince: Maybe Matt Hardy shot him.

Lita: Ha ha ha ha....

Vince: Oh, I wasn't kidding.  He'll probably end up shooting him.  We have a pool on it.  No biggie.  If he does, we're just going to do a wrestling angle based on it.  

Viscera enters the backyard.  He has a big bag of Doritos

Viscera: Hey hey...who's up in here?

Vince: Vis!  Come on in!  You didn't have to bring anything.  Chips, how thoughtful.

Vis: I also brought hotdogs.

Vince: Oh, where are they?

Vis: (grinning) Close your eyes and give me your hand, I'll show you.

Vince: I'm not falling for that one again.

Vis: I'm just playing.  I brought some dip for them Nachos too.  You wanna see where that is?

Vince: I'll pass, thanks.

Snitsky: Grunt...grunt....Hey Vince.  I like your barbeque.

Vince:   Oh!  Hey!  Good to see you, Gene.  Thanks for coming.  John Heidenreich is running around here somewhere.  He has some new friends.

Snitsky: The kids, right?

Vince: Yeah, he calls them "Heidenreich's friends."  It's a cute promotion we're working on.  He's like Michael Jackson, only he isn't a child molester...yet.  Who knows where we can take these crazy angles.  Ha ha ha.  Anywho, yeah.  Those are young fans.  It's helping with publicity.

Snitsky:   Yeah.  That's sort of what I wanted to talk to you about.  I just killed four of them.

Vince: I'm sorry?  You killed four children?

Snitsky:   Fine...fine....you got me.  I killed seven.

Vince: Why?  Why are you killing children at our barbeque?  How insane can you be?  Answer me.  Where did you learn to do this stuff?

Snitsky: From you, alright?!  I learned it by watching you!!!

Snitsky runs off and Vince is left confused.

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Edge:   (singing to himself)  I like big butts and I cannot lie...these other brothers can't deny...

Lita: Adam!  I've been looking all over for you.

Edge: OK.  And you are...?

Lita: I'm Lita.

Edge: My wife?

Lita: No.  That's Lisa.

Edge: Hmmm.  Still drawing a blank.  Sorry.

Lita: I'm your on-air manager and off-air quote unquote friend.

Edge: Oh.  Hey...how you doing?  Look, that was so six weeks ago.  I've moved on, Sweetie.  I'm bouncing you like Tigger on crack.  Peace out.  I gots me a new woman.

Vince: Ah ha ha ha!  Anything can happen in the WWE!

Edge: From Lisa...to Lita....to Linda....come out, baby.

Linda McMahon walks out from the pool house.  Her eyes are fixed straight ahead as he marches mechanically to Edge

Linda: I - am - sor-ry, Li-tah.  You - have - been - re-placed.

Edge: She's gots mad money.  She's gots tha power.  Most importantly, her name begins with "Li," she's all I look for in a woman.

Lita: I hate you.  You're disgusting.

Edge: I know.  Ha ha!  I'm Edge, Bitch!

Edge walks off laughing.

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Lita: I can't believe he did that!

Vince: So I guess that means you're here without a date  now?  Hmmm.....(turning his head) What do you want, Kane?

Kane: I....sniff sniff...I...sniff....sniff....I want some more potato salad!  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Vince: Whoa.  Whoa.  Calm down.  Now, use your words.  Why are you crying like that?

Kane: Stop yelling at me!  You're not my dad!  My brother killed my dad with a vat of cement!  Waaaaaaaaa!  

Vince: Hey.  Hey.  Deep breath.  Take a deep breath.  Now, calm down.  What would make you calm down and get your composure back?

Kane: (pouting) Don't know.  

Vince: Come on.  Do you need a time out?

Kane: No.  

Vince: So what will make you not cry?

Kane:   (whiny) Don't know.  Raping and kidnapping, I guess.

Vince: (fatherly) There you go.  Raping and kidnapping you guess.  Well, then go out there and rape away.  Kidnap Lita.  She's right here.

Vis: Come on, Kane.  I'll help you out.  Close your eyes and give me your hand.

Vis and Kane run off

Vince:  Ah...another great barbeque.  Deviant sex as far as the eye can see.  How grand.  What the...?  Hey, Kurt!  Kurt Angle!  You get off my dog!

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***

Howdy folks.  Enjoying your extended weekend?  Good.  Good.  What's gone on since the last time we met for Raw?  Well, Bo Bice lost and Matt Hardy got a gun.  That's about it.  Hopefully WWE will have something in store for us all tonight.  After all, it is Monday.  It is Uncensored, Uncut, and Uncooked.  Hell, it's so uncooked that it'll give you salmonella.  Munch your hot dogs, dip your nachos, and shut your mouth cause Triple H is back with a little Monday Night Raw....

Video airs in honor of Memorial Day.

Raw Theme Plays.  Stop...Hunter Time.  Uh oh.  Uh oh.  Uh oh....

Happy Memorial Day, America.  We're in Canada!  Jim Ross is super stoked about tonight's broadcast.  Lita and Kane will be face to face on the Highlight Reel.  Then from there, Chris Benoit takes on Edge.  It's madness, I tell you.  Madness.  Let's go to Asian reporter Trisha Takinawa in the ring...oh, wait.  It's Jerry Lawler.  Sorry.  My bad.

The King's in the squared circle and you're all in luck.  We're honoring those that died for America by holding a Memorial Day Bikini Contest.   How nice.  I can't wait until the Veteran's Day Wet T-Shirt Contest.  

At this point, each woman is introduced individually.  We have Raw Diva Search Winner Christy Hemme, Raw Ring Announcer Lillian Garcia, Raw Moron Maria, Raw wrestler Victoria, and Raw...uh, Extra Candace Michelle.  Now you know why you've been collecting cash, right ladies?  You've been paid to shake what your mama gave ya.  Now drop them towels and make with the bathing suits!  First up is Lillian Garcia...

Dear Mo, Mideon, and Oscar,

Things are great here on Raw.  I'm having a wonderful time.  I think about you guys a lot.  I also think about sex a lot.  I like sex.  Hot dog.  Hot dog.  Well, that's all for now.  I'm gonna go thrust my pelvis into somebody's ass.  Talk to you later.

M.O.M. and the Ministry Forever,
Vis "Mabel" Cera


Vis arrives and he's wearing his pimp daddy suit.  What up, bitties?  You all are putting on a bikini contest, huh?  Well, sorry that the V Man has to interrupt.  The thing is that Mabel needs to get what he wants.  That thing is Lillian Garcia.  Let's go, Lil.  With that, the monster scoops Garcia into his arms and carries her up the aisle and through the curtain.  JR reasons that Lillian can't do anything to stop this.  The crowd boos loudly as he whisks her away.  I doubt that's the reaction they wanted. (JG Note:  Yay!  Rape!  Every week is a new rape!  That should be the Raw tag line.   This new fetish that WWE has is getting a bit uncomfortable.  What's next?  They can have a pay-per-view called WrestleRape and it can be two hours of the Coach and Michael Cole running from Viscera and Heidenreich.)

Viscera carries LG away to be sexually assaulted and leaves the bikini contest in the ring to continue.  The King has each woman model her swimwear and listens to crowd reaction.  Suddenly he settles on Christy Hemme.  She's the winner of the Memorial Day Bikini Contest!  Yay!  When you think of Memorial Day, think of Christy Hemme's boobs!   Hem hugs Michelle and Maria and they celebrate her win.  Victoria opts to leave the ring...

...briefly, but return to beat the holy hell out of all three of them.  She lays out Maria with a solid looking kick to the face and practically punts Candace through the ropes.  Jerry Lawler tried to restrain the raging Diva, but she leans back and kicks him square in the nuts!  No joke - the nuts!  That's where Jerry Lawler gets his power.  Kicking him in the groin is like cutting off Sampson's hair.  The King falls and Vicki turns her attention to Miss Christy.  After hitting the Widow's Peak on Hemme, Toria looks around the crowd and is met with a chorus of cheers.  Just like Vis getting booed, I doubt that this is the reaction they were looking for.  Miss Vick is meant to be a heel, but WWE underestimates the respect that a certain section of their audience has for the established females.  The same audience that will ooh and ahhhh a Christy Hemme Playboy mag, will cheer on Victoria in a feud against her.  Why?  They've known Victoria longer.  She hasn't been used in a while and is fresh for a new direction.  Most importantly, she's a wrestler.  While most fans don't give a damn whether a bikini contest woman can wrestle or not, they certainly care when it comes time for a wrestling match.  Maria may be hot, but after a few botched moves, the audience would turn on her quicker than you can say Interior Motive.  Ask Jackie Gayda.  Vicki looks enraged as the crowd cheers.  Surreal.  Hit the ads.

Commercial Break.  Buy the new
X-Box 360 when it comes out!  It has a 20 gig hard drive.  Seriously, can we please start making robot servants already?  I mean, honestly, a good game console is nice and everything.  I'd just much rather have the energy that's being put into creating consoles focused on creating robot servants.  Let's get going on that.  It's 2005.  I expected to have my own Rosie from the Jetsons by now.  Let's get a move on.

DJ Todd Grisham is standing by with an angered Victoria.  She hates Christy Hemme!  She hates her!  Hates her!  Argh!  All of Hemme's achievements should have gone to Victoria.  However, they didn't.  Vic is sick of it and she's going to take care of it!  Good to see WWE using one of the last established female wrestlers left on the roster.

(1) World Tag Team Champions Hurricane & Rosey defeated the Heartthrobs when Hurricane pinned Antonio  I like the Heartthrobs gimmick.  It's cheesy, but it’s classic.  WWE needs more teams like them and MNM on the shows.  Without them, the tag division has no identity.  With wrestlers specializing in tag wrestling, complete with team name and outfits, the division has credibility.  It's a smart move to introduce this duo just as La Résistance is being phased out.  That being said, Hurricane and Rosey don't do much for me at all.  The tag titles haven't elevated them as much as they've devalued the tag titles.  They need to have some sort of nemesis.  If Stacy doesn't lead to their split, the Superheroes have to find a duo to go to war with.  In the mean time, they're spinning their wheels.  Good finish with Cane pouncing from Rose's shoulders onto Antonio below.  High points of the match include the crowd chanting "Stacy's Hot" and Kiebler once again playing the role of Stacy Machine in her mask.

Batista is here.  The Animal has arrived.  (JG Note:  Maybe it's just me, but "animals" don't wear suits, do they?  What a dapper monster.)


Commercial Break.  WrestleMania 21 is coming out for the X-Box.  Then again, the X-Box is yesterday's news.  It's all the 360 now, kiddo.  Then...after that, it's Roboservant time.  

Last week, Dave Batista befriended and was then betrayed by Ric Flair.  Flair turned his back on Dave and sided with Triple H.  You really can't blame Batista for not anticipating this betrayal.  After all, Ric's only done it like 93 times.  Someone give Tista Sting's cell phone number.

Gullible Dave is in the Leather Couch room with the shell of Eric Bischoff.  DB wants the Game, but Bisch can't give him to him.  He's not here.  He's in Stamford.  Fine.  Tista's cool with that.  Know what else he's cool with?  He's cool with the Hell in a Cell match.  Sign it, Bisch Boy.  EB obliges and then informs his Champion that Gamy will be at Raw next week.  The two of you will sign your Hell in a Cell contract!  Before the final arrangements can be made, Muhammad Hassan and Shawn Daivari rushed in and questioned all this.  How can Triple H get a title match when he lost a WrestleMania?  Hassan is undefeated!  It's racist!  You are a racist, sir!  That is racist!  Tista offers Mu a chance at the title.  Why?  He needs someone to take his frustrations out on.  Bischoff signs it and it's all official.  Daivari begins to yell at the Champ in his native tongue, but is silenced by a slap to the face care of Deacon Dave.  It's on tonight!  Best baton down the hatches!  

Commercial Break.  WWE's Slam of the Week is brought to you by Juicy Drop Pop.  Did they purposely try to make this lollipop's name sound like it should be a sex act?  Hey Joey, last week I took Mary out to the movies.  By the end of the night, I had her screaming my name and giving me a Juicy Drop Pop.  Booyah!  I tell you, bro.  She was the Slam of the Week.

(2) WWE Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin defeated Rob Conway and Sylvan Grenier in a Triple Threat Match when he pinned Grenier  The gimmick going into this match is that Grenier and Conway are having a friendly rivalry over emerging singles careers.  It's a good way to portray them.  What sets it apart from other feuds or angles is that it's about the wrestling for a change.  For once, we get a feud about wins and losses instead of bestiality sex and baby killing.  It's a nice change of pace.  Also, the way they've built this rivalry, Syl and Connie have been kept out of one-on-one matches with each other.  If handled well, perhaps in a tournament final or Bischoff-booked match, the first Grenier-Conway could come off like a big deal and help one of them step out of Afterthought Land.  Benjamin came out of this one looking good and despite some slow points, he got the crowd moving at the end.  SG bumped into Rob and knocked him from the ring.  Benji caught him as he rebounded off the ropes and hit a T-Bone Suplex.  Three seconds later, Shelly is celebrating another victory.  La Résistance may have lost, but they're elated that no one stuck a flag up their asses afterwards.  Sometimes you have to look at the bright side.

Still to come: Dapper Dave meets Skandor Akbar 2K5.  But next, Lita and Kane have a pow wow on the Fozzy Show.

Commercial Break.  Optimum Online says that it's triple the speed of Verizon DSL.   Verizon responded by saying that Optimum Online smells like poo.

It's Highlight Reel Time and we kick things off with the Countdown.  Jericho emerges and he apologizes for being late once again.  The life of a pseudo-rock personality is never dull.  He was the centerpiece of a crowded autograph signing. Seriously.  No, really.  Honestly.   King Bling Bling hasn't neglected his responsibility of booking guests for his show, though.  Nah ah.  You see, next week is week one of the Draft Lottery.  That means someone will be jumping from Smackdown to Raw.  Who will it be?  Well, whomever it is, he'll be a guest on the Highlight Reel.  That's right.  Cena, Bradshaw, Angle, or Taker, they're welcome on Y2J's show.  Who will it be?  Who cares.  They’ll be here.  Now let's bring out his guest.  This person is a "monster" according to Jericho.  Lawler ruins the joke by saying "Lita" right before CJ does.  Ah ha ha.  No, not Lita.  It's Kane!

Kane....Version 1....Run, Kane, Run....Kane Fact:  Kane is based on someone else

The Big Red Dumpee is here to answer the Canadian Inquisition.  Chris apologizes in advance for asking the tough questions.  He doesn't get any answers though.  Kane-o ignores a question about how it feels to be dumped.  These are tough to ask.  Why, well according to the liar from Manitoba, he's never been dumped.  Yup.  According to Jericho, he's the one that does the dumping usually.  I guess Trish doesn't count.  Chris becomes aggravated as the monster turns a deaf ear to his questioning.  His tone changes.

"Is this a case of your equipment malfunctioning?  Have you been suffering from some premature pyro?  Hey Silent Bob, you can say anything anytime.  Hello?  Maybe I'll just bring Lita down right now.  I have a better idea.  Why don't I buy you a box of Kleenex, a carton of Hagan Daz.  I'll take you to Blockbuster Video then you can rent the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.  Go home and have a really good cry.  What do you think about that, Junior? "
- Chris Jericho, 9:57pm

The crowd cheers and, again, you doubt that this is the reaction WWE wanted.  When Big Red gets angry, Edge pops up on the TitanTron to break up the altercation.  Hey Kany.  Chill out.  You're just made because Uncle Adam has been "Spearing" your wife for months.  You know those mystery phone calls Lita made to her "sister?"  Those were calls to him (JG Note:  Lita and Edge were caught having private phone calls behind Matt Hardy's back.  Just in case you're keeping score at home here.)  With that, he brings in Leets.  She announces that Red is now her ex-husband.  Why?  Well, he was sweaty and had no skills.  Girls want boyfriends with skills, Kane.  You know, Nunchuck skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills.  Skills.  She tells him that he's "like a fourth grader in the bedroom."  Ouch.  Tales of a fourth grade nothing, huh?  Ha ha ha ha!  Oh, we shouldn't laugh.  Kane's gonna cry again.  Just to push his big red buttons even more, Miss Amy flushes her wedding band down the toilet and then swaps spit with Edgemire.  Allll riiiight.  The Jilted Kidnapper looks sullen in the ring.  They should make big red T-shirts that say "Kane" on the front and "I'm Pathetic" on the back in big black letters.  At least then this gimmick could make some money.

Commercial Break.  Own Boogeyman on DVD.  I bet you ten bucks he doesn't cry.

Eric Bischoff shows up and tells the audience that this next match may be a Table match, but it's being done to show that Raw can  do Extreme better than ECW.  Alongside Kurt Angle and his anti-Philly Smackdown superstars, Easy E's anti-ECW Raw team will emerge victorious at One Night Stand.  Now, let's bring out one of the Raw Generals...Edge!

(3) Edge defeated Chris Benoit in a Table Match Uncle Eric joins us for commentary and it makes me nostalgic for Steve McMichael and that stupid dog on Nitro.  It's so strange to think that the guy in WCW and the Raw GM are the same person.  Bischoff is just a completely different character now.  After years of being sanitized by World Wrestling Entertainment, Easy E is nothing more than an angry, sleazy Jack Tunney.   The misuse of Bischoff since his debut is on the level with WWE's botching of the Invasion Angle.  The thought of Eric in McMahonland was unfathomable at one time.  The possibilities would have been endless.  Instead, they've allowed him to be another authority figure character, instead of a sabotaging and bitter enemy of WWE intent on taking them down from the inside.  Once in a while, we get a glimpse of the old EB.  For example, there's lines like this one:  "I've had it with ECW.  It was a joke in the beginning.  It's an even worse joke now."  Schoff says a mouthful as he settles in for the Table match.  Good contest that served to showcase Edge, put over the ECW show, and include a gimmick match that usually gets great reactions.  This one was no exception.  In the end it was the Extreme Wolverine with the entire thing sewn up.  It didn't last long though as Lita knocked Benoit off of the top rope and Bischoff jumped from the announce table.  He calls to the back and summons his Anti-ECW Army.  Tyson Tomko and Maven rush the ring and do some damage before Eric calls for number three to emerge.  That number three is Gene Snitsky.  Snitty and his big head rush the melee and join in on a beating.  After laying out the Crippler, Snits, Mave, and Tomko clap along as Edge power bombs him through a table. Jim Ross follows up this match by reminding us that ECW was more than just hardcore and tables.  It's about time someone on Raw besides Paul Heyman remembered that.  The highlight of all this is Lita embracing Edge at the end, looking into his eyes, and saying "Don't kiss me."  Someone must have told her about Matt's gun.

Martin Van Bueren is wearing Goldust's wig and he's standing by in Stamford.  He's next.

Commercial Break.  There's a new Medal of Honor game out.  It's rated T for Teen.  Play away, kids.  If they hook you on this at a young enough age, we won't need to institute a draft.  Yay.  Army's fun.  Bang bang.  See you at 18.

Last week...Oh!  A Sledgehammer!  You want to fight me now?  Hell in a Cell!  Hell in a Cell!  Where's the Beef?  Who let the dogs out?   Mortal Kombat!!!!

Sideburns McGameface is standing by via satellite.  Better known to fans as Triple H, Sideburns tells Him Ross to shut up.  He's got something to say to his understudy, Dave Batista.  Buck up, Champ.  This is Hunt's world.  It's his theater.  You play a role.  Your role is victim.  Last week, Helmsley beat you.  He beat you!  He made you taste his own blood.  From there, the H Man speaks on about the effects of beating an animal.  Sometimes it makes the animal submissive.  That's what happened last week.  We saw it in your eyes.  You're shakin' in your Bruno Maglis.  Next stop is the barbaric, sadistic, twisted, sautéed, and deep fried match in this industry, Hell in a Cell.  Trips says that he rules the Cell and tells Batista to ask Kevin Nash and Mick Foley.  (JG Note:  Hello?  Hello?  Hey, man.  Yeah, he's good in the cell.  Right.  Yo, f**k it all.  F**k f**k.  Too sweeeeet....Catch you later, Deacon.)  From there, he gets all melodramatic about going to hell and liking it.  He calls himself the Devil himself and then speaks in the third person about taking Tista's soul.  This was such a lame promo.  I'm sorry.  It was like a ten year old doing backyard wrestling.  Not a good promo at all.  Too much talking in abstracts, Hunt.  We get it.  You're the devil.  You take souls. You're going to hell.  Cut to the chase.  Please, please, please.  Try to stay away from terms like "In this business" and "You people know the truth."  What follows is usually six minutes of rambling.  

Commercial Break.  Bill Goldberg hosts the History Channel's Auto Maniac.  Also Ultimate Warrior will host the History Channel's "I'm a Maniac."

Hey Lex, you're on.

Uh, I'm Chris Masters.

Gotcha, Lex.  Do me a favor, get your mirror and your bus and go to the curtain.

I'm Chris Masters.

Right.  OK, Vince...can you hear me?  Come in.  OK, there you are.  I got Billy Jack Haynes here and he's ready to do that Chicken Wing Challenge thing.  Ready for him?  OK, Hercules, you're up.


Chris Masters is here and he shouldn't be allowed to speak on camera.  He sounds so goofy.  Apparently his offer of $1000 American money hasn't garnered any good challenges.  Because of this lack of competition, Masters has decided to open this competition to anyone in the locker room and up it to $10,000.  Now, we need someone lower on the totem pole than Chris to come out and accept, then lose this challenge.

Helloooooooooo Ladies...Uh, hey ladies.  It's me.  Val Venis....You don't know me?  Come on, ladies.  I used to be the Chief of Staff on Raw....No?  Goddamnit....Come on, ladies......Think hard....

The Big Baldbowski shows up and he's ready to accept this challenge.  The Masterpieces scoffs at this and tells Venis that it will be an honor to force him to tap out.  Veen is ready to roll, but ends up ambushed when his attention is diverted.  After a pummeling, Mast locks in his Masterlock.  Chief Morley fights back but ultimately loses in his attempt to collect the midcard prize money.

Commercial Break.  See the Sandman at the ECW One Night Only show.  Lately, I see the Sandman during Raw a lot.  He brings me nice dreams after I fall asleep.

Christian's music hits and the Canadian crowd goes wild.  Captain Charisma is on pro-Canada Draft Lottery duty.  Apparently, Smackdown has a ton of gimmicks.  They have a Dead Man.  They have a Frenchman.
They have a hip hop poser that couldn't make Captain Charisma say I Quit even if he made him "listen to his lame-ass CD."  They have them all.  They don't have a Canadian, though.  After next week, SD will either stay as it is or be injected with a dose of the Three Cs.  Those are "Charisma, Canada, and Christian."  (JG Note:  I would have guessed "Cookies" would be one.)   The CLB would fit in perfectly on Smackdown, but at this point it would looks sketchy to have him jump.  Considering that the Lottery is supposed to be random, it would be weird to have his name come up.  I could see this turning into an angle for him, as he tried to leave Raw.  Either way, a change of scenery will ultimate do the Charismatic Captain well.  It's aboot time, Christian.  It's aboot time.

Commercial Break.  Once you eat a Fresh Toasted Sub from Subway, you'll forget everything else.  Mommy, mommy!  Daddy doesn’t' remember me!  "I'm sorry, Billy.  Daddy...ate, ate...a sub!  Ah Wa ha ha ha!  Waaaaaaaa!"

(5) Muhammad Hassan defeated World Champion Dave Batista via disqualification  The camera picked up two signs as Hassan and Daivari hit the ring.  One said "7-11 Now Hiring" and the other said, "I lent Daivari my rug."  Wow.  I guess it's all based on the time period.  One day we'll look back on this gimmick and the crowd reactions in the same way we look back at racist Bugs Bunny cartoons.  While all this is cheap heat, it might be needed.  This match wasn't good.  It was awkward, sluggish and never got into first gear, much less out of it.  Also, with Hassan doing tag duty lately, this contest didn't feel like a viable main event.  It seemed like a main event from an old episode of Prime Time Wrestling.  (Gorilla Monsoon Note:  Let's get back to the action at the Maple Leaf Garden.  Greg the Hammer Valentine meets Jim Powers in our feature match!)  In the end, Tista went animalistic and busted Daivari open.  When Mu tried to ambush him with the title, Dave knocked him down and used his knee to choke him in the corner.  After a five count, this match came to an abrupt halt with MuHa getting the DQ win.  The reasoning: Tista is ruthless just like Hunter and can excel in the Cell.  The real damage:  World Champion just lost to a midcarder that does tag matches a lot.

Following the bell, his Deaconship went to town on the Arab-American Males.  He goes wild.  After leaving a bloodied Daivari and beaten Hassan, Dave climbs the turnbuckle and celebrates his loss.  Yay losers!  Fade to black.

All in all...  Eh.  Not great by any stretch.  Tonight's Raw was more disappointing than most because it started out so well.  The opening segment, while appearing to be tedious filler, served to advance the Viscera-Likes-Rape storyline and turn Victoria into a cheered heel.  The crowd reactions were loud and things looked bright.  

Then we got Hurricane and Rosey defending the tag titles.  Nothing special.  The crowd thinks Stacy's hot and Raw has like three tag teams.  Yay.

We get Shelton Benjamin against Grenier and Conway in a Triple Threat Match.  It was alright, but nothing over-the-top awesome.  I like the slow build for La Resistance's final split, but it's nothing to jump up and down about.  

Chris Masters beat up Val Venis.  So far he's crushed both Val and Steven Richards.  Sadly, I'd take Venis or Steven in a top spot over Chris Masters any day of the week.  Great.  A Full Nelson challenge for money.  I better run out and pick up an Atari game system and zip up my Member's Only Jacket.  This show is Rad!

Triple H's promo was terrible.  I know we cut down on the Game for being long winded, but he's sometimes well spoken.  Tonight wasn't one of those nights.  He came off like a ten year old playing wrestler.  He said he's the devil and he takes souls.  Come on, Hunt.  What's next?  You gonna howl too?

Deacon Dave's main event against Muhammad Hassan was forgettable at best.  I say at best, because he should hope that people forget it.  

Things dragged tonight.  The good points were pretty good, but the bad points were really bad.  Put them together and you have a Raw that was below average, didn't sell the ECW show at all, and peaked after the first fifteen minutes.

Sorry to kill you buzz.  Look on the bright side.  We get the Nostalgia Show in two weeks.  Now enjoy your hot dog and buns.  Happy Memorial Day.  See you next week!




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JG's 10/19/15 Raw Insanity: Hell of a Sell
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JG's Insanity: The 12th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue
JG's Insanity: The 11th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue
JG's Ten Facebook Posts To Annoy Your Friends
JG's Ten Beloved TV Characters Who Were Obvious Psychopaths
JG's 10 More Fun Ways To Infuriate People Online
JG's Ten Insider Wrestling Terms You Shouldn't Use When Talking About Something Besides Wrestling
JG's Insanity: The 10th Annual WWE Memorial Day Barbecue
JG's Ten Demented Ways We Misused Our Toys
JG's 15 Fun Ways To Infuriate People Online
JG's Ten Sesame Street Muppets That Are Missing And Presumed Dead
JG's Scene From WWE Raw (After Vince McMahon Goes Senile)
JG's Ten Signs You Were A Wrestling Fan Of The 1980s
JG's Insanity: Stone Cold's Greatest Moments (Without Stone Cold)
JG's Ten Wrestling Moves That Really Hurt When You Try Them At Home
JG's Insanity: Everybody Is Tito Santana
JG's Ten Reasons Why WWF LJN Figures Were The Greatest Toys Ever
JG's Ten Judges Who Would Make American Idol Worth Watching
JG's 2012 in Pictures (As Hulk Hogan Will Remember It)
JG's Quintuple Bypass Surgery Insanity
JG's Five Episodes of Diff'rent Strokes That Scarred Me For Life
JG's Ten Facebook Posts That Are Slowly Driving Me Crazy
JG's Ten Truly Terrible Reality Competition Shows
JG's Ten 1980s TV Characters Who Taught Me To Hate
JG's Ten Wrestling Characters Who Went Through Massive Personality Changes
JG's Ten Old School Wrestlers Who Would Terrorize Today's PG WWE
JG's Ten Crazier Fanbases Than Wrestling's
JG's Ten Copycat Wrestling Characters (and The Gimmicks They Copied)
JG's Raw 1000 Insanity: The Rocky Road To Royal Rumble

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The Question: What TV Character's Death Shocked You The Most?
Game Day - Borderlands 3 Confirmed, Xbox 360 Discontinued, And More
The ROHbot Report: San Antonio Return, Global Wars Main Event, and More
TGIF: Joe Finished Balor, TNA Going Blu, and More
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The Question: What's Your Favorite Cartoon?
Game Time: Gears Of War 4 Beta - 3 Full Matches
Game Day - Arkham HD Collection, Ghostbusters Release Date, And More
Worth Your Money? ROH "Conquest Tour: Philadelphia"
TGIF: Dixie's Warehouse, Remembering Mahoney, and More
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The Question: What Advice Would You Give Your Younger Self?
Game Day - Gears of War 4 Release Date, Titanfall 2 Teaser, And More
The ROHbot Report: Supercard of Honor X Night 2, Back to San Antonio, and More
TGIF: Buh Bye Barrett, No Mas Matadores, and More
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The Question: Who Would You Trade Lives With For One Day?
Game Time: Exclusive Doom Closed Beta and Quantum Break
Game Day - Danny Doring On Twitch, Final Fantasy 15 Release Date, And More
The ROHbot Report: Supercard of Honor X, Colt Returns, and More
TGIF: Giving Away The Table, Turning Roman, and More
The WWE2Kl6 WrestleMania Weekend Prediction Preshow
The Bad Girls Club Season 15 - Episode 3: Release the Beast & Other Tall Tales
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The ROHbot Report: Supercard Preview, Future of Honor Showcase, and More
TGIF: Daniel Bryan Appreciation Cancellation, MMA in NY, and More
The Bad Girls Club Season 15 - Episode 2: Twin Some Lose Some
The Question: What's Your Secret Talent?
Game Day - Red Dead Redemption 2 Leaked, Sony PS4.5 Coming, And More

-

JG's 4/27/09 Real Time Raw Insanity: Shane-o Insane-o Strong Like Bull
Apr 27, 2016
JG's 4/26/04 Raw Insanity: Kane Gives Lita Some Big Red Lovin'
Apr 26, 2016
JG's 4/23/07 Raw Insanity: Shawn Michaels and John Cena Tear The Bloody House Down
Apr 23, 2016
JG's 4/21/03 Raw Insanity: Goldberg Hates Rock Concerts
Apr 21, 2016
JG's 4/14/03 Raw Insanity: The One Where Goldberg Wears The Wig
Apr 14, 2016
JG's 4/10/06 Raw Insanity: The McManson Family Goes To Church
Apr 10, 2016
JG's 4/9/07 Raw Insanity: A Little Kid Outbooks Jonathan Coachman
Apr 9, 2016
JG's 4/6/09 Raw Insanity: Starring Orton as Gene Snitsky, Vicki as Eric Bischoff, and Batista as Vince McMahon
Apr 6, 2016
JG's 3/26/07 Raw Insanity: Vince McMahon Stops The Lashley Train
Mar 26, 2016
JG's 3/24/03 Raw Insanity: Stone Cold Ruins The Rock Concert
Mar 24, 2016
JG's 3/23/09 Raw Insanity: Randy Orton Gets Him Some of That Stephanie McMahon
Mar 23, 2016
JG's 3/21/05 Raw Insanity: Randy Orton Kisses Stacy Kiebler...Then He Kills Her
Mar 21, 2016
JG's 3/19/07 Raw Insanity: Scalping Eugene
Mar 19, 2016
JG's 3/15/04 Raw Insanity: The Crippling Champ
Mar 15, 2016
JG's 3/13/06 Raw Insanity: Shawn Michaels Throws Pee-Pee at His Boss
Mar 13, 2016
JG's 3/9/09 Raw Insanity: Triple H Literally Wrecks Randy Orton's Home
Mar 9, 2016
JG's 3/6/06 Raw Insanity: Stephanie McMahon Puts Evil Preggo Powder In HBK's Water
Mar 6, 2016
JG's 3/5/12 Raw Insanity: The Rock Talks Us To Death
Mar 5, 2016
JG's 2/27/12 Raw Insanity: Kung Pow Cena Tattles on The Rock's Cheat Sheet
Feb 27, 2016
JG's 2/26/07 Raw Insanity: Shawn Michaels Has Intimacy Issues
Feb 26, 2016

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