Midnight...Philly

Paul Heyman:  Greetings, members of the Evil Cultural Warlords.  This meeting is hereby called to order so as that we can discuss our future plans for evil.  Our goal is world domination…or Philadelphia domination, whichever is easier.  Let's introduce you all.  First, the monster with a taste for dead and punk women, Kane!

Kane:  Arghhhhhh!  I'm a monster!  (stands up and grabs his crotch)  Also, my Big Red Boys can swim, ba-by!

Heyman:  Disturbing visual, Kane.  Also, from the future or something, meet Gail Kim!  Miss Gail, I have a surprise for you.  Seeing as how your Women's Title push ended so suddenly, I've sent for you to receive a little helper.

A miniature Gail Kim runs into the room.  She is two feet tall and babbling incoherently.  Gail swoops her up, hugs her, and gives a big smile.

Gail Kim:  I will call her…Little Kim.

Heyman:  Splendid.  Last, but never least, I give to you all Nick Dinsmore.  I call him that because his stage name "Eugene" is under some scrutiny for apparently being stolen from a failed television idea.  Nick, say hello.

Nick "Eugene" Dinsmore:  Don't sweat it, Paul E.  I'm just going to drop the whole Eugene thing and go with a new idea. It's something totally original that I thought of all on my own.  From this moment forward, I will be known as…Duckman!  Quack, quack, bitch.

Heyman:  Uh…ok.  Anyway, we have some things to discuss here, people.  Let's get down to business.

Little Kim:  Ayyyyyy  Ayyyyy Cha Cha Cha!

Gail Kim: Isn't she precious? 

Dinsmore:  Quack, quack.  I could sure go for some little pieces of bread right about now.  You see, 'cause I'm Duckman.

Heyman:  We get it, Nick.  Our main order of business today is Paul Bearer.  As many of you know, the plan was to fill a glass tube with cement while Bearer stands there, helpless.  Unless the Undertaker does as I command, his manager would be killed.  We had a few small problems.  Firstly, on our initial runs, Paul kept eating the cement as we poured it in.  Secondly, we ran into a little financial trouble and they repossessed my evil glass tubey thing.

Kane: (To Gail Kim)  Hey baby.  How you doin'?

Heyman:  Monster!  Eyes up here!  So here's the new plan.  We're going to buy a giant "laser."  This "laser" will be placed on John Layfield's limo and be voice activated.  When Layfield comes out and the crowd groans, the "laser" will ignite, killing Paul Bearer on impact.  Muwahahahahaha!

Kane:  Hold up.  Isn't Paul Bearer my dad?  You kidnapped my dad?

Heyman:  I don't think so.  What do you mean?

Kane:  When I was burnt as a kid, Paul Bearer locked me in the basement to avoid ridicule.  I lived down there until I came out to attack the Undertaker in the Hell in a Cell a few years ago.

Heyman:  What the hell are you talking about?  You're not burnt.  Didn't you say you killed your neighbor's dog when you were younger?  How did you do that if you were locked away?  Didn't you kill and rape that girl?  Are you sure you have your history right?

Kane:  I…uh, I….uh, Katie Vick…burnt….not sure about life…Funeral Parlor fire….Freaks are cool….can't comprehend….must think….must think…uh…uh….uhh….Ahhhhhhh! 

Kane's head explodes

Little-Kim:  Ya ya ya ya ya!!!! 

Gail:  Watch out for the Big Red Brain Splatter, Little Kim!  Duck!

Dinsmore:  Me?  Quack!  Quack!  Oh, this isn't working.  Maybe I'll just go with my other gimmick idea - the alien life form known as Alf.  I can eat cats!

Heyman:  Right…. I guess that's it for us today.  Exploding heads are a sure sign that it's time to close up.  Meeting adjourned.  Let's bounce.

As Heyman and Company attempt to leave, they are stopped by a man in a suit

Building Owner:  Excuse me, Mr. Heyman.  You still haven't paid us for the boardroom rental.

Heyman:  I'm good for it.  The check's in the mail.  What's a boardroom?  Who are you?  I mean, Paul Heyman's not here.  Leave a message and he'll…  Gail, Nick - run!

In a world of evil-doers, who will play the role of hero?  Will it be the Rabid Wolverine Chris Benoit with his toothless powers of aggression?  Perhaps it will be Matt Hardy standing up to his tormenter Kane while tending to his baby-totin' lady friend Lita.  Can Eugene Dinsmore pull off a miracle and defeat his new best friend, Triple H?  Has anyone seen Shelton Benjamin?  Anyone?  Shelton?  Where are you?  Shell….ton.  Oly Oly Oxen Free!  We'll look for him later.  First, let me tell you all about Raw. 

June 21, 2004...Miami, Florida

Last week on Raw, Triple H and Eugene became new friends.  If they don't do some sort of face-to-face promo with these two where Gene talks about Chyna, it'll be such a waste.  I would laugh forever.  C'mon, Steph!  Let 'em do it!  It'll be funny. 

Raw Theme Plays.  If there was a punk version of this, I'd use it to open my Audio Updates.  There isn't any punk cover of it though, because no one cares about this song.

Cue the Rock.

Rock, you're on.  Rock, let's go.  Move, Rock!  Move!

It's the Brahma Bull!  The People's Champ!  The Rock!  He's here and Jim Ross is pretty stoked over the whole situation.  The Miami crowd pops big and Rocky salutes them by saying that finally he's come home.  He then goes into one-man-show mode and introduces his family, two Miami Dolphins, and former Miami Hurricanes.  It drifts in and out and gets pretty strange at some points with the hyperactive Bull going wild.  He made fun of the Dolphins, forcing the crowd to wonder what to do.  For years you're taught to boo the guy that attacks the home team, then the Rock does it.  Talk about screwing with people's minds.  The way some people just cheer for whoever WWE says to, you had to feel bad for them with this.  When he started making fun of the home teams, they must have buried their heads in their hands and cried.  Weird.  It was like a weird boo-cheer thing.  Also, Rocky is saying "ya'll" a lot more now.  It must be a new thing he's trying out.  Anyway, the Scorpion King does his act and then moves on to the business at hand.  He's got a buddy in the back by the name of Eugene.  Tell you what, Gene.  Come out here so the Great One can tell you the truth about Triple H.  (JG Note:  "The truth is this, Eugene. Hunter married Vince's daughter, thus guaranteeing Vince that he will not leave the company.  It's due to this assurance that Triple H will be main eventing this show well until both you and I are dead.  This is his…What?  Oh, the Rock thought you wanted him to tell Eugene the real Triple H truth.  Oh, you meant the pretend fantasy wrestling-world Triple H truth.  Sorry.  Never mind.")

Hey!  Hold up there, buddy!  Randy Orton is in the hizzle fo shizzle and he's got some ish to discuss with you.  First things first, Eugene is not here.  He's with his new buddy, Triple H.  They're playing and having all sorts of Gamy fun.  When the match time is near, Trips and Gene will return to the arena together.  Onto other business.  Orton tells the Rock that he's yesterday's news.  Randy Orton, the future of wrestling, has claimed his spot.  There's a new Third Generation Star in town.  He's younger, more hip, and better looking than the People's Champ.  His name?  You guessed it…(JG Note Frank Stallone)…Randy Orton.  The Brahma Bull doesn't appear impressed and tells the Intercontinental Champion that this meeting isn't their first.   Their worlds were intertwined.  Rocky's dad, Rocky Johnson, beat your dad, Bob Orton.  Rock's granddaddy, Peter Maivia, beat down Bob Orton Sr.  Even the Great One's granny, smiling at ringside, beat your grand mammy.   Rocko brings up an ambiguous Orton story about a gerbil.  In fact, when the two were just wee bitty kiddies, Rocky recalls running into him a few times in the locker room, when both their daddies wrestled.  Orton was the kid picking his nose and playing with a My Pretty Pony.  Randall defends this by saying it was his sister's.  Oh no.  This just encourages the Brahma Bully to say that the RKO man was afraid of him as a kid.  According to Rocky, Randy was a runner.  I'll let him tell you what happened:

"You ran.  You ran right by Andre the Giant.  Right by Junkyard Dog.  Smack-dab right into the middle of King Kong Bundy's ball sack."
               - Rock, 9:16pm

I may not remember every episode of Raw ever done, but I'm fairly sure, with confidence, that this is the first time that the term "King Kong Bundy's ball sack" was ever used.  Anyway, with that disturbing visual in mind, Rocky then offers to whoop the young Ortman for his troubles.  Randall replies by removing his suit jacket and then rejecting said offer.  Not today, Rocky.  Not today.  Maivia agrees.  Not today.  Not today.  Not today.  It'll be tonight!

Punches fly. Randall reels.  Rocky unloads and Eric Bischoff appears.  Security!  Friggin' security!  That man in the ring is out of here!  It's not going to be your way, Rocko.  Uncle Eric will not allow you to put a young star like Randy Orton in jeopardy.  More importantly, you won't do anything to tamper with tonight's Main Event.  Bisch sends his round little guards to do the dirty work.  The People's Champ relents and leaves, but takes the microphone with him.  He calls the security officers "oomph loompas" and "dwarves."  He then delivers his best line of the promo to the Bisch.

"Of all people, live tv, you throw out the Rock?  No wonder W.C.W. went out of business"

- Rock, 9:20pm

Ouch.  He then walked through the backstage area and ran into various people.  He cut mini-promos on them all:

Trish Stratus & Tyson Tomko: Tells Trish to not look at the "People's Package."  Makes the same request to Tomko.  Commends Tyson on his show "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy."  (JG Note:  I wasn't aware that there was a bald, tattooed, scary man on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.)

New Security Guard in white shirt that joins them:  Notes his height and suggests that he must be the daddy of the other security guards.

Molly Holly:  Pulls off her wig.

Hurricane & Rosey:  Calls them "Hamburgler" and "Grimace."  Says that Rosey knows the words "Super size me."  Tosses him a donut.  Gives him a huge complex.

Coach: Gases him up and tells him how cool he is.  Disses him on a high five and walks away.

He finishes it up by saying that Eugene will whip Hunter's candy-ass guaranteed.  This finally prompts Ort to plea for the silence of Maivia's mic.  Oh, you want silence?  Well in three seconds, the People's Champ guarantees you'll feel an ass whooping you've never felt before.

Three seconds later, on June 21,2004, at 9:22pm, Edge attacked.

The Canadian landed a Spear and stood over Orton while JR sells me tonight's match up of Orton and Batista meeting Chris Jericho and Edge!  Don’t you dare go away.  If you do…Jim Ross will beat the living crap out of you.

Commercial Break.  Call me cruel, but every time I see the Joe Schmo commercial with the falcon flying into the door, I laugh like crazy.

Eric Bischoff is hanging in his leather couch room and telling Generic Security Guard #32 that if Rock returns, he's to be arrested.  Exit guard, enter Chris Benoit.  The Champ is here in hopes that he can convince Eric to cancel tonight's match between Eugene and Hunter.  Come on, Bischy.  It's Eugene.  Don't do this.  If it's a title match that Triple H wants, the Crippler will give him one.  Sorry Christopher, no go.  The match is on.  It's not about Hunter.  It's about Eugene.  Now, it's none of your beeswax.  Stay out of this tonight or else.  Easy E already booted one superstar.  Would you like to make it two?  Benoit nods, walks away, stops and nods again. 

Strange Things to do during My Entrance Checklist by Victoria

1. Force Young Ringside Boys to Hug Me

2. Do a crazy dance!

Victoria strips away her outfit and comes to the ring.  Whatever happened to crazy?  Crazy worked.  These new things have just been weird.  I miss crazy.

(1) Women's Champion Trish Stratus pinned Victoria with help from the ropes  This match really had some ups and downs.  In many ways, it's like watching WWE's best babyface diva and best heel diva wrestling each other but playing the wrong roles.  There's few that can get the pop that Stratus can and few others that can adequately play the nutcase gimmick like Vicki could.  It just seems like they have the right employees, but have them doing the wrong things.  The match itself was OK, with Toria landing a great looking moonsault on Strats and seemingly assured victory, until Tyson Tomko pulled her from the pin.  With Vick distracted, Strats rolled her up with the ropes for leverage.  The stupid thing here is that the ref was pushed from the ring in the roll up and ended up outside, right next to Trisha's rope grabbing hand.  He would have had to be blind and asleep to miss it.  Nevertheless, it's a three count and Victoria will live to do a silly entrance another day.

Following the bell, Trish and Tomko went after the defeated stripper, but was thwarted by a "woman" that Jim Ross thought jumped from the crowd.  It was Steven Richards in drag.  If Jim Ross can't tell the difference between a woman and Steven Richards in drag, I'd say that Jim Ross has some serious issues.

Round One of the Diva Search.  It's like WWE's producing a reality show without a show.  We watch the amateur divas make their case and either move on or get cut.  I can't even begin to explain how little I cared about seeing this.  Just what we need, more divas.  Didn't Jacqueline win the Cruiserweight Title a while back?  What's she doing now?  Nothing?  Yeah, I'd say we need more divas.

Commercial Break.  "YJStinger - Catch the Buzz, Feel the Sting."  Wow.  I can imagine.  I knew a guy that caught the buzz once.  He told me it stung like hell.  Said he got it from a toilet seat.

Back at home base, J.R. and Jerry Lawler tell me about the horrific injuries that Shawn Michaels suffered last week when Kane played ring-around-the-collar with HBK and a steel chair.  Apparently, Shawn has a crushed larynx.  Forget losing your smile.  Shawn lost his throat.  According to the announcers, we won't see the Boy Toy for a long time.  Tell me a lie and say that you won't go.  Look in my eyes and hold me even though, I realiiiiiiiize, you had to walk away.  No more yesterday…

Things are serious backstage in the leather couch room because Eric Bischoff is wearing his Drew Carey glasses.  You want serious, Eric?  William Regal will give you serious.  His Lordship enters the room and he's bent out of shape over this Eugene-Hunter situation.  Come on, Bisch!  You can't do this.  The Game will kill him.  Explain yourself, biatch!  Eric says that he owes no explanation.  He calls his nephew, Eugene, an embarrassment.  The problem here is that Bisch can't fire him.  How would it look if he fired his own nephew?  (JG Note:  I hate to fiddle with silly ol' logic, but how does it look that Eric Bischoff is openly trying to have his nephew killed each week?)  Reegs is incredulous.  How can you do this?  Sleazy E says that his goal here is to make Gene-o quit.  How?  By humiliating him in the ring, at the hands of his favorite wrestler, Triple H.  We then get all after-school special as William tells Eric that, well…

"I know I'm a dirty, rotten scoundrel.  Absolutely rotten to the core, always have been, always will be.  But I love that boy.  I absolutely love that boy.  There's not a drop of harm in him.  But you, he loves you more than anything in the world, and you treat him like bloody dirt.  You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself." - William Regal, 9:44pm

I'm William Regal and that's One To Grow On.   Buck up, Willie.  No more worries about Eugene.  You're hereby relieved of your Gene management.  Know why?  As it relates to the active roster,  you're officially reinstated.  Your first match is tonight.  In fact, it's next.  After this commercial break, of course.  Of course.

Commercial Break.  Eat Sour Starburst…and make babies cry.

(2) Kane and William Regal was a no-contest.  This was one of those matches that didn't have a definitive ending.  William awaited Kane and then took it to him with uppercuts and head butts outside the ring.  His assault didn't last long as the Big Red Machine turned the tables and then beat the bloody hell out of Regal.  Jim Ross screamed that Lord Willie hadn't been in the ring in a year and a half.  He never really got a chance to get in the ring tonight.  Bald Bull beat him down and then left smiling.  Another situation with Paul Bearer's kid involved.  Forget Hunter.  Raw revolves around Kane.

Commercial Break.  World Wrestling Entertainment is an "experience like no other."  So is being mauled to death by a pack of deranged cougars.

We’re back and Jim Ross "can not believe what (he's) just seen."  In the twenty some-odd years that I've heard Jim Ross do commentary, I can't remember one time when he's ever come back from break and believed what he had just seen.

Eric Bischoff is standing face-to-boob with Kane backstage.  Listen Big Red, you want to be in the main event of Vengeance?  Next week you'll have the chance to capture the World Title.  It's going to be you against Chris Benoit.  How's that?  This prompts a big smile from the Monster, who assures Uncle Eric that as far as tonight's concerned, he hasn't seen nothing yet.  Kane-o chuckles and then takes off. 

More Diva Search stuff.  This time we see John Coachman sending women home.  When the Coach tells you that you suck, you're in trouble.

(3) Batista & Randy Orton defeated Edge & Chris Jericho when Orton pinned Edge  This match was pretty strange on a number of levels.  The crowd seemed ready to get into it, but too many starts and stops happened, coupled with awkward moments.  First there was the clothesline early on by Batista on Chris Jericho.  Suddenly everything stopped and Tista was pushed off.  The ref called for backup and Y2J was declared unable to continue.  Weird.  (JG Note:  Isn't this wrestling?  Isn't the goal to make your opponent physically unable to continue?  Isn't that when you pin?  Guess not.)  Jericho is taken out and Edge continues on his own.  The match was pretty good overall, but nothing like it could have been if everything was clicking.  Something just never clicked and seemed to throw everything off.  The low point was Batista running in at Edge, who ducked down to pull the top rope and send the Deacon flying.  Instead, Dave didn't go over.  He stood there and actually tried to leap over the top rope unsuccessfully.  He then pretended to be stepping on Edge's throat, until the Canadian grabbed his leg and gently nudged him over the top.  It was one of those weird, forced, Andre the Giant Battle Royal elimination falls over the top.  The action continued with the Edgeman covering Randy Orton only to have his attempt broken by Tista, who waffled him in the head, causing his eye to bleed.  The Evolution Monster hit a power bomb and splattered Edge into the mat.  Randall picked him up, RKOed him, and put this one in the record books.

The Diva Search Continues.  You psyched?  You know you are.

Commercial Break.  WWE has a really good Chris Benoit house show ad for Madison Square Garden this Friday.  Seriously.  I make fun of the stupid stuff, I might as well applaud the good stuff.

Oh Matt Hardy!  Stacy Kiebler is soooo happy to see you.  Lita just told Stacy that she told you that she's pregnant.  Well, Stacy, Matt has to tell you something that you can't tell Lita that Matt will tell Lita after he's done telling you what he'll tell her.  He's going to ask her to marry him.  Oh Matthew.  Your secret is safe with Miss Hancock who tells him that her "lips are sealed."  Do they know that I just watched that?  I feel like I invaded their privacy.  How does he know I'm not going to go call Lita?  Huh?

Smackdown Rebound:   Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A limo pulls up and Eugene steps out.  He's decked out in Hunter Hearst Helmsley gear and playing with action figures.  He's followed by Triple H and Ric Flair, who continue to pretend being his friend.  Tonight, Gene.  You get to dress in Evolution's locker room!  Yay!  As Dinsmore runs off, Hunter tells Flair that he's going to enjoy this more than anything else in his life.  (JG Note:  More than the wedding?)

Commercial Break.  If I ordered an Angus burger from Burger King and the guy in the mail room snidely took a bite of it before giving it to me, I'd probably start beating him with a shovel.

Hey Matt, what's big and white and red all over?

I don't know, Kane.  What?

Matt Hardy Version Unconfirmed Daddy is in the ring and he's on cloud nine.  All week, Big Matt has been dancing around due to the news that his chickie is with child.  Lita's cooking up a little Hardy baby and the Sensei of Mattitude has something to say to her.  Miss Leets, come on down…

Lita shows up and the Hardy Boy in the girly jeans gets down on one knee and presents a ring.  This time, for real, will you marry him? 

Lita!  Lita!  Tell him, Lita!

Kane is on the Titantron and he's got an evil gleam in his eyes.  Before you give an answer, my sweet, tell Matt your secret.  Tell him or else the Big Red Machine will.  You ain't the baby's daddy, Matty.  That fetus belongs to the Monster, not you!  Hardy is incensed, but all changes when the Big Red Baby's Daddy urges the Hardly Boy to ask his woman.  When he does, he's met with tears…well, not really tears, but attempted tears.  If she could, she would have made tears.  (JG Note:  Today on Maury…You crushed Shawn Michaels's larynx and now you're harassing my girlfriend.  You're not the Baby's Daddy!!!. )  Matt loses his mind as we go to break. 

Commercial Break.  Taco Bell, with its new "guacamole," is open until Midnight or later.  Yes, rest assured that no matter what time of night it is, you can get oozy green slime.

Lita had time for someone to make up her mascara to look like she was really crying during the break.  She begs Matt Hardy for his forgiveness.  She just had sex with Kane so he would leave you alone.  (JG Note:  That's some good rationale.  I immediately try to convince my fiancée that there are hundreds of women attempting to ruin our lives and that I must have sex with them to leave us alone.  Yeah, that's the ticket…)  Come on, Version Jilted.  The baby might be yours.  Hardy's disgusted.  He leaves and Lita weeps.  Big Red Cheater.

Oh look, more Diva Search.  Hooray.

Backstage Eugene is hanging with Evolution.  Eric Bischoff stops by and wishes his nephew luck, only to be reprimanded by Triple H.  Hunter knows your Game, Eric.  You think this is a set up?!  No way!  Trips likes Eugene and he's not going to hurt him!  Satisfied with his friend, Dinsmore leaves.  Once he's gone, the heels laugh and laugh.  The Game hasn't laughed that hard since he humped the mannequin. 

Commercial Break.  Nintendo is offering the Classic NES Handheld System.  I love when big companies find a way to charge a hundred bucks for something that's 15 years old. 

(4) Triple H and Eugene fought to a no-contest This was a good match, plain and simple.  There was little doubt that it would be.  The only strange thing was that everyone seemed so concerned about Eugene, even though he beat Kane a month or so ago.  Regardless, they opened the match up with some scientific wrestling, showcasing the skills of Dinsmore.  All around, Eugene is such a strong performer that he is a legit threat to the World Title.  The only problem that this character faces is that he can never be the face of WWE.  Why?  Imagine Nick Dinsmore on the Tonight Show.  He can't pretend to be mentally challenged on mainstream TV.  By the same token, if he comes out completely normal and says that he plays a mentally challenged wrestler, it'll spawn letter writing campaigns from civil rights groups condemning WWE for not employing a genuinely handicapped performer for the role.  Just a thought, but it could be quite a dilemma in the long run.  Between this match and previous outings, Dinsmore proved that he can conduct himself just fine in a main event slot.  The finish occurred after Triple H nailed the Pedigree and went for the pin.  This prompted Uncle Eric to emerge and insist that Hunter not beat Eugene, but beat him up.  The Game complies and gets a chair.

It's Chris Benoit!  The Wolverine has showed up to settle the score.  No one's beating on his little buddy.  Hunter attempts to stop him with a chair, but fails.  Chris knocks him down and Flair to boot.  H gets the upper hand, but loses it to a Benoit German Suplex.  Batista and Randy Orton rush down, but are beaten back as well.  Finally, the World Champion grabs the chair and swings at Trips, who ducks.  The steel intended for the H-Man hits Eugene Dinsmore in the noggin.  Benoit has floored Eugene.

Upset by his follie, Chris kneels down to help his friend while Evolution skidaddles or so we think.  Helmsley sneaks back in and Pedigrees Benoit before his music sounds and we fade to black. 

All in all… I thought tonight's Raw was a pretty good show.  From top to bottom, with a few exceptions, the episode was solid and delivered a great all around two hours.

The Rock was used very well.  His promos come off strange at times, though.  For a baby face, he rips on things like a heel.  Telling Rosy that he knows "Super size me" and making fun of the home teams are comments that would have anyone else booed out of the building.  Not if you're the Rock.  Hell, we're just happy to have him here.  Even with the strange HBO Half Hour Comedy Special promo opening, the fact that Randy Orton was put face to face with the Brahma Bull, coupled with Edge's endorsement by the Great One himself, helped to make his appearance meaningful.

Tonight's show will not be on the Best of Batista DVD.  That over-the-top rope leap was brutal.  The match itself, although pretty awkward at times, was strong though.  Had everyone been on their game, this one would have gotten an amazing reaction.  It still did well and achieved its purpose.

Kane knocked up Lita, pass it on.  This angle should serve as a warning to all the men out there.  If someone's giving you a hard time, don't send your girlfriend to "make him stop."

Hunter's battle with Eugene was really good as well.  I was half hoping for the Keyser Soze Bad-Guy-All-Along turn by Eugene.  Eugene didn't lose.  Triple H didn't lose and with Chris Benoit accidentally hitting Gene, it introduces him to the psychological games of wrestling.  It ended the show on an intriguing note and one that will have you tuning in next week.

I'm off like Lita's cargo pants at Kane's house.  I'll be back with an audio tomorrow.  See you then and right here next Monday with another batch of Insanity.  Be well.