Originally Published June 27, 2005
Narrator: Welcome back to Fox's Trading Spouses. Before the break, our trades began and each family met their new father. Steven Baxter, a high school astronomy teacher and married father of two from Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania was swapped for Vince McMahon, a wrestling promoter from Greenwich, Connecticut, Let's see how the new families are adjusting.
Cut to: Pennsylvania - Baxter Home. Vince McMahon is sitting with his new "wife" Mary
Vince McMahon: So....what do you guys like to do here?
Wife Mary Baxter: We sometimes make cookies. Once in a while, Steven will take us to the amusement park.
Vince: You ever watch WWE programming?
Mary: What's WWE?
Vince: The wrestling company - my wrestling company.
Mary: What does the E stand for?
Mary: Oh. You mean Entertainment Tonight? That's E.T. We watch it once in a while.
Vince: No - WWE. It used to be an F. It's my wrestling company.
Mary: (enraged) Are you f**kin' kiddin' me? You're that McMahon? I thought you were the Publisher's Clearing House guy! We were all excited. I told my girls they were gonna have a daddy that used to host Bloopers and Practical Jokes. Why you son of a bitch!
Narrator: Oooo. Things are heating up. Back at Titan Tower, things aren't looking too good for Steven. As per the rules of his new family, Steven must sit in on writing meetings and offer his take on the ideas presented.
Steven is seated in the main board room. Stephanie and Triple H stand on both sides of him. He appears confused and frustrated.
Steven: I still don't get it.
Stephanie: What's not to get, Steven? He's big, fat, and black. He likes sex and food.
Steven: Why? I get that he's into food because he's fat but why sex?
Triple H: (slowly) Because - he's - black, Ste-ven. What's the point you're missing here?
Steven: I guess I see what you mean. But why would he leave that announcer lady? Does that set up some sort of fight between him and another wrestler?
Stephanie: (rolling her eyes) Holy Jeez. No, Steven. This is sophisticated stuff. It's all to give him a stronger character. It's a storyline right from real life.
Steven: Real life? That stuff happens in real life? Wow. Forget that. It's character development? So what is he? Is he good or bad?
Triple H: Neither actually.
Steven: (surprised) You've been doing this character for months and you don't know whether he's good or bad?
Stephanie: We haven't worked out the specifics yet.
Triple: (beaming) But we do know that he's black and fat.
Stephanie: Indeed. Definitely. Fat and black.
Steven: (frightened) You're all completely mad. I...I...don't know what to say.
Triple H: (with a crazed look in his eyes) Mad? Mad? Why I have a right to be mad! It's my Unbirthday!
Stephanie: (jumping) An unbirthday! Oh my! It is? Mine too! More tea?
Triple H: Why yes! Tea! Let's sing!
Stephanie and Hunter: (singing and pouring tea) A very merry Unbirthday to me - to you - to he - to who? A very merry Unbirthday...
Steven: This is crazy. What's next?
Eric Bischoff: Hello, Mr. Baxter. I'm here.
Steven: Here for what?
Bischoff: Don't you check your schedule? Every day at 3pm, Mr. McMahon kicks me in the nuts. He had it written into my contract. Ready? On three. One...two...
Narrator: Meanwhile, back in Wilkes-Barre...
Becky: My real dad usually reads us bedtime stories and stuff, but Mr. McMahon doesn't do that. He said that he doesn't believe in that.
Cut to Vince McMahon in the girls room at bed time.
Vince: Do it! I'm your daddy for the week and I say you do it!
Julie: But Mr. McDaddy, I don't want to have a pillow fight with my sister
Vince: Oh, you don't want to, huh? Maybe you'd like to join the Kiss Daddy's Ass Club again, young lady. Anyway, how the hell do you ever expect to make a living if you don't know how to swing a pillow with some force? Damnit, grow a set and swing already!
Becky: But Mr. McDaddy, I don't want to be a woman wrestler. I want to be a doctor.
Vince: (laughing so hard he's tearing) Haha. A...what? A doctor? Oh man. You should be a stand up comic with material like that. Listen darling, you have two choices with your life. You can either be a female wrestler or you can interview the male wrestlers and ask stupid questions. It's your call. Now either peg your sister with that pillow or else I'm gonna let my friend with the poems hold you down again.
Heidenreich: Come children. Have some Johnny Juice.
Becky: No! No! Look! We're pillow fighting. Look, Mr. McDaddy! Pillowfighting!
Narrator: As the swap ends, the families learn of our secret twist. Each family was awarded $50,000 for their participation in this experiment. What the families don't know is that their new daddies decided how the money would be spent for the family. Steven Baxter decided how the McMahons would spend it and Vince McMahon decided how the Baxters would spend it. Let's go to the families for the reading of the results and their reactions.
Vince: OK, guys. It looks like Mr. Baxter chose how we should spend our 50 grand. I'll open the envelope.
Stephanie: (crossing fingers) Oh please let it be bigger implants. Come on bigger implants.
Triple H: (crossing fingers) Please let it be another World Title run. Come on World Title run,
Shane: (crossing fingers) Please let it be two bullets. Come on two bullets.
Vince: Well gang, it says here that we're going to be buying a new car. He also allocated $10,000 for Stephanie and Hunter to get mental help. Sounds good to me. Now who's ready for potato sack races?
Meanwhile at the Baxter Home...
Steve: Well gang. Let's see how Mr. McMahon decided we should spend our money.
Steve Rips open the envelope and stares blankly.
Becky: What is it, daddy? Is it a pony?
Julie: A new car?
Mary: (concerned) What is it, honey?
Steven: (stunned) It says we're supposed to give it to someone named Christy Hemme.
Narrator: Join us next week for another episode of Trading Spouses. Watch as Sarah Givens, a computer programmer from Tennessee, trades places with Lita, the slut of the century from North Carolina. See you all next week!
Oh ha ha ha. I'm such a silly bitch. OK. On to Raw...
Raw Theme Plays. Tonight join Jerry Lawler as he welcomes his special guests - Kane, John Coachman, the Raw Diva Search Girls, and a special performance by the Black Eyed Peas. Also, it's the Triple H Orchestra....and me, I'm Jimmy "Hey Now" Ross and without further ado....heeeeeeeere's Uncle Horny!
Happy Birthday, everyone! Guess what Vince McMahon got you. Guess! Oh you guessed it - John Coachman is on the Raw announce team. It's not what you wanted? Well, just say thank you and be polite. He didn't get a gift receipt so you can't bring it back. Smile and listen to the melodic voice of the Coach. Oh how I missed my bleeding ears. Tonight we're going to meet the contestants in WWE's second installment of Ring Rat Survivor. Yee haw!
Your Olympic Hero Kurt Angle is first up on the Raw agenda tonight and he's got something to say. He made Shawn Michaels tap out at WrestleMania 21. Remember that? Well he did that. People can say that last night's Vengeance match tied the series, but - ding dong - you're wrong. That didn't happen and there will be no rematch. Why? Well, because Vengeance totally sucks ass. Angle did his duty at the biggest show of the year and he did it with a submission. So that counts as like two wins. Ha ha. Angle's the leader of the series. It's true...it's, well, kinda sort of true.
Tonight there's something else on Kurtis's mind. That thing is World Champion Dave Batista. Tista still owes Angle a title match. Considering their last match involved Triple H's "big nose" sticking itself in, the Gold Medallist feels that another title shot is in order. After all, KA is "the man." Where have I heard "the man" mentioned before? Well, besides Stan Staskiak and rich executives who hold the working stiff down? Oh now I know...
Scary Thought of the Day:
"So in my eyes, in my eyes, you look at me and say Legend. I look at you and say virgin. You are a virgin at killing legends. And you know how many virgins I have made holler, scream, and bleed all night long? God!"
- Ric Flair, 9/27/04 Raw
"While (Lex) Luger hung with us, he was almost a virgin in terms of partying when we got to him"
Ric Flair's book - To Be the Man
, Page 157
Ugh. Creepy. What do you think they did once they "got to him?" Ugh. No wonder Lex went batty.
The Nature Boy has arrived and he's looking dapper and damp. Ang asks if Triple H is coming out to talk for twenty minutes. Ouch. Flair reaches out to shake Kurt's hand. Why? Well Slick Ric asks Angle if he read his book. (JG Note: Did you read the creepy part about Lex Luger's virginity?) Apparently, the Flairy wrote that if Angle stays healthy, he can be the greatest of all time. That's a big deal, beech. Hell, Naitch's son is an amateur wrestler and Ric wants him to grow up and be just like you! Yeah! You! He wants to see his kid emulate an Olympic Champ. Now listen here, Mr. Medalface. You are a great star. You have it all. Ric Flair tells Kurt that he's actually "a mark" for him. (JG Note: I love how Flair goes on tirades against fans using "insider terminology" and then uses it himself on Raw. Who does he think is watching this show?) Now you may be good, kid. But you ain't the man. The man is Triple H. After all he's the boss's son-in-law and everything....
Whoa. Hold up. Captain Kurt knows the dillio. He knows you're trying to work Hunter back into the title hunt. No go, Pops. He lost three times to Batista. As far as Mr. Olympia is concerned, you're out after three strikes. Flair takes exception. Hunt isn't even here tonight. He's out of action. After last night's match, H and Dave proved themselves to be "great." That doesn't effect the Olympian. He sums up his feelings like this:
"Ric, you're looking at great. You're looking at the best in the business. So why don't you do yourself a favor. Why don't you take yourself to the back. Drink your Ensure. Take a nap. And get out of this ring before you get hurt."
- Kurt Angle, 9:08pm
Know what's sad? This reminded me of the segment where Brian Pillman and Steve Austin called Ric old on his WCW Flair for the Gold Talk Show. What so sad about that? It was 12 years ago. He was being called old 12 years ago. On one hand, it's impressive that he's still wrestling. On the other...he's old.
In reply, Ric threatens to gouge Kurt's eyes, eat his fingers, and grab his testicles if he tries to do some amateur moves. (JG Note: I say we stomp him. Then we tattoo him. Then we hang him. Then we kill him "I say you let him go..." Nooooo!) The two agree to a match later tonight and then close out the segment with a "Whoo-Off."
Tonight the final two Draft Picks debut on Raw, the Diva Search comes back to make you cry, and Eric Bischoff talks smack about John Cena. Don’t you dare go away, folks. Seriously, don't you dare. You feel lucky, punk? Well, unless you do, don't go away. You've been warned.
Commercial Break. Right now you can lease a 4 Runner for as little as $299 a month. You can get it for a lot less than that if you take it for a test drive...to Mexico.
Last night, there was dissention in the ranks after Vengeance. Chris Jericho, Christian, and Tyson Tomko all argued about their WWE Championship failures against John Cena. To make everyone happy, Eric Bischoff ordered the three to face John Cena and two partners of his choice on Raw. Everyone wondered who it could be, since John Cena "doesn't have any friends on Raw." That's sad. He's the new kid. He doesn't get invited to Gene Snitsky's cool Bowling-themed birthday party? He isn't allowed to sit at the cool lunch table with Triple H and the Pope? No one lets him take dumps in the Raw Diva Search contestant's bags? That's just sad. The friendless John Cena - an after school special waiting to happen. If JC can't get partners, then the match is 3 on 1. It sits well with Canadian 1, Canadian 2, and Toilet Brush Face.
Hey Edge. I got in trouble.
What's the matter, Snitsky?
Vince yelled at me 'cause I attacked Rosey backstage and kept kicking him in the stomach.
You were mad at him?
No. I thought he was pregnant.
Edge and Snitsky wait in the ring as Kane is introduced. The Big Red Machine arrives and he immediately goes after Lita's new future ex-husband. He slams the Edgeman with a chair and chases him through the crowd. In the ring, the Snitz stand alone.
I'm ba-ack...and better then ever...
Mr. Bischoff, do you have to sing that every time you come into the room? It's annoying.
Do I have to sing?! Do I...?! Do I...?! I was king of the world, mother f**ker! King! I ruled it all. Right here. Oh God, right here in my hand. Sniff, sniff....I'm sorry if I ANNOY YOU! I'm sorry if you hate my singing! It's all I f**kin' have! It's all I f**kin' have! Oh sweet Lord in Heaven, it's all I f**kin' have. Wahhhhhhhh!!!!
Oh...uh...OK. You can keep singing, Mr. Bischoff. Actually, you're on. They're playing your music. Take a tissue, clean yourself up and get out there
Eric Bischoff is here and Gene Snitsky is facing the "biggest Draft pick yet." Whatever he does to Snitksy, Eric says is "not my fault." I love segments that make it hard to figure out who's good and who's bad. Also, if you haven't figured out that it's Big Show yet, you don't want enough wrestling. Anytime they say "big," it's the Big Show. "Monster" is Kane. "Charismatic" is Shawn Michaels. "Demons" is Scott Hall. Write it down. Memorize it. There'll be a test on this.
(1) Big Show pinned Gene Snitksy after a Chokeslam I wouldn't have jobbed Snitsky to Show on night one. Maybe they just want to have him get pimpslapped for fun. The match itself was horrendous. The crowd died at the start and it took all of two minutes before Show's presence got old. Gene-o eats a Show Stopper and ends up pinned. Remember, it's not Eric Bischoff's fault...unlike the destruction of World Championship Wrestling.
Commercial Break. For some reason, John Cena is dressed like Kama the Supreme Fighting Machine on the cover of Raw magazine.
Maria, who may be the smartest person they have on the roster considering how she's made the fact that she's completely incompetent work to her advantage, stands by John Cena, who used to do the same thing. She seems to have forgotten her question, so Cena does his best Rocky Maivia and sends the announcer off to collect her thoughts. From there we get a pretty cheesed out promo about tonight's predicament. It was one of those promos that basically ran down the entire plot up until now. It reminded me of a book report. He then introduces the first of his two partners...Shawn Michaels. Mr. Ben Franklin Hair gives the C Man an official welcome to the show and assures him that a phone call has been made to partner #3. John becomes so elated that he comes off as goofy. He assures us that tonight will be full of surprises. With that, Maria returns. She says that she remembered her question. What is it? "Did you find a partner?" Dr. Thuggypants responds affirmatively and HBK tells her that she's been doing a great job. He ain't kidding. Have you met that Steve Romero guy? Blech.
In another part of the arena, Edge is rushing Lita down the hall and out the door. She stops in her dressing room to get something and Adam stands guard "to make sure (Kane) doesn't come in." My wife, who doesn't watch all that much wrestling, says "Duh. Of course he's going to be in there." Guess what. Duh. He was.
Babyface Kane wraps his hands around his ex-wife's neck and chokes her against a couch. She begs. He growls. In the end, he promises to make her life a living hell. Muwahahahahah! For starters, he's going to whine about her on his website - www.THEKatieVickRapist.com.
Commercial Break. Ring of Honor commercial advertising their 7/8 and 7/9 Long Island shows. Good move on their part. I was really impressed and happy to see them reaching out to a larger audience.
$11,000 $14,000 Master Lock Challenge
This week: Chris Masters raised the reward to $14,000. (JG Note: I hope they're not shooting for a million. At this rate, my grandkids would be trying to break this doof's full nelson.) His challenge came from Tajiri. Remember him? No? The Japanese Eugene. Oh...now you know.
Taj shows up and Masters mocks him. You think you can break this hold? Come on, Yoshi. Get a grip. The Buzzsaw answers that he finds the Masterpiece to be a "Master Jackass." Them's fighting words. Well, not really, but in the wrestling world they are. Then again in the wrestling world, they say things like "in this very ring" and "lousy butt."
We get a brawl quickly with Yoshihiro attacking his muscle headed foe early. He nails some kicks, but ultimately ends up locked into Chris's finisher. JR, in his worst line of the night, asks "What' s the combination to the Master Lock?" (JG Note: I don't know, Jim. I'm hoping that it's "O-V-W.") Buzzy Saw eventually gives up and CM takes this as a chance to breed unity. He tells us that no matter our race, we can't break out of his 1987 finishing move. I'm so ashamed.
The New Age Narcissist demands our respect from this day forward and then turns his attention to the down trodden Tajiri. He asks if he's ready to show some respect. He gets it...if you consider green phlegm to be "respect." Yosh spits up on Chris's face and sends the Master Jackass scrambling for the hills.
Commercial Break. I noticed there hasn't been a lot of Truth.com ads lately. I guess they want to hold off for a few weeks and let some more kids take up smoking. That way they don't run out of people to try and save. Wouldn't be any fun for the Truth people if no one smoked, now would it?
Carlito's List of People Who Don't Want to Be Cool
1) Bea Arthur
2) Bert from Sesame Street
3) Barry Manilow
4) Carrot Top
5) Rick Moranis
Pit, Highlight Reel, Body Shop, Flower Shop, Funeral Parlor, Love Show, Manor, Barber Shop, Court Cabana is underway. Carlito Guarini tells us all that this week is the week that the Cabana officially replaces the Highlight Reel as "the #1 show on Raw." (JG Note: Considering there's only 2 shows on Raw, that's not such an achievement.) He then promises to not play any Fozzy Music on his show, which gets some laughs. Although again, WWE is having a heel go after the newly turned Y2J. Isn't that counterproductive? Forget all that, besides overtaking the Raw talk show circuit, Coolio captured the Intercontinental Title from Shelton Benjamin. How about that? Well, there's one more Cool surprise. That surprise is that tonight's guest on the CC Show will be Raw's new Draft pick. Sadly, GM Eric Bischoff's streak of good draft picks is over. According to Carl, we drew a "lemon." Let's get that Lemon Headed Pucker out here now.
One of a kind!
Smoke em if you got em. Rob Van Dam has arrived to where all his jobbing began. He's home on Raw, the show that he had to leave because he was misused so badly. How wonderful! Cool welcomes his kind bud to the show and thinks about the last time the two of them were in the same place. Oh yes. It was that ECW Show we don't talk about. According to Caribbean, RVD was busy whining and complaining in the ring about not having the chance to speak. He said that the only two words he could say were "whatever" and "how ironic - cool." Mr. Cool then realizes that Robby was given a third word to say, "dude." That's three.
Van Dam, in his ECW shirt, can take no more. He asks Sideshow Carl if he heard him correctly earlier. Did he call Mr. Monday Night a "lemon." That's funny. When VD thinks of the Cabana Host, the first thing he thinks of is "fruit." Robby V then recalls that during that same Phantom PPV, Carlito was part of the crusaders. You remember them, don't you? They go their asses "smoked" in the show ending brawl. That's the past, though. This is the future. Now, Rob is going to keep speaking his mind. He's going to keep entertaining his fans. No matter what, Van Dam's fans want to hear him speak openly. So when this injury is all healed up, the Whole F'n Show is going to take Monday Night to the Extreme!
Triple C thinks this is all wonderful, but the fact of the matter is that Rob is still injured. He then says "I like it that way." Before "way" can escape from Cool's mouth, he was whaling on RVD. He pounced on Mr. Disabled List's injured knee and drove it into the mat. As Robert rolled around in pain, Colon finished him off with a face full of Apple Spit. Now that's not just cool...that's Apple Flavored Cool.
Up next: The guy who likes bestiality sex faces off against the guy that likes to stare at Gene Snitsky's nipples.
Commercial Break. "Hustle and Flow?" There's a movie called "Hustle and Flow?" It sounds like a special product that would be put out by Tampax for "Women on the Go."
(2) Kurt Angle defeated Ric Flair via Anklelock Submission You know how sometimes there'll be a wrestler or match and people will say "He's makes it look effortless?" Well, this was sort of the opposite. Angle-Flair was great, but it didn't look effortless at all. Every breath Ric Flair gasped for, you felt. Every bucket of sweat that came out of his head, you felt. It was the type of match that should make people realize just how physical the act of wrestling is. A perfect example of this came at one point when a drenched Naitch adjust his trunks and let out a trademark "Whooo." As someone that prides himself on blaring it and getting the attention of the audience, Ric's meager cry truly related his exhaustion. The match was quite good actually and far beyond what we should expect from these two. The chops were hard and the dramatic moments were dramatic. The subplot was that Naitch could hang in the ring with a guy like Kurt Angle because he did underhanded stuff. It was good in the sense that it explained away a logic gap. However, it was bad in that we had to watch Ric Flair walk around the ring with a handful of Kurt Angle's balls. (JG Note: Who needs to see that? Who does that in a real fight? I'm all for winning a fight. However if it's a choice between grabbing another guy's package or losing a fight...well, then kick my ass. You keep your ish to yourself.) At one point, Flair climbed the turnbuckles and Angle darted up to meet him. He tried to suplex Ric into the ring, but something went wrong. The Nature Boy awkwardly tumbled to the outside. Surprisingly, Jerry Lawler covered it up well. (JG Note: No foolies.) He said that the Dirtiest Player in Triple H must have purposely fallen as a defense. That way, he wouldn't be suplexed. Hmmm. It's kind of like slamming your head into a wall in order to avoid being punched, but it works I guess. RF kicked out of an Angle Slam, which surprised everyone. However, it was Kurt Angle putting his mark away with an Anklelock. Whooooo.
Big Booty Hoes...hump with it!
Commercial Break. Last week, Muhammad Hassan and Shawn Daivari went to Smackdown. John Bradshaw Layfield promptly grabs a broomstick and a jar of Vaseline to show them how things are done 'round these parts.
The Coach is in the ring with Christy Hemme and he's going to introduce the Diva Search Contestants. He calls their names and they arrive. They're just like Santa's Reindeer... only not as smart.
Hey. There's that chick. And that one. Oh look, there's the one with the fake boobs. There's the blonde one. Oh, that one has a coat or something. Oh what fun! More people that I won't get to know competing for a contract that they'll all end up getting! Hooray! Waste my time, Vince!
All the girls gather in the ring and Hemme congratulates them. Coachman talks about all the things that could happen to a Raw Diva, taking shots at Christy in the process. She zings back and I'm already feeling sick from the thought of this contest happening again. Thankfully, the Hemmenator brought me back to reality with this quote:
"Bottom of the line is this is Raw. Anything can and will happen."
- Christy Hemme, 10:28pm
Yes. She said "bottom of the line." (JG Note: Maybe she meant to say "bottom of the barrel." You know, that thing WWE is scraping in order to come up with ideas like the Raw Diva Search.) Now let's get to the first competition. Did someone say Hot Dog? No? Well, that doesn't matter. There's chicks here. As we all know, there's a Man on a Mission for women on Raw. His name is Vis.
Viscera shows up and he's all pimped out in his robe. Coachman tries to cut him off, but the V Man tells him that we're tired of his mouth. (JG Note: What? Now he's doing the Babyface thing again? Why doesn't this show get a grip on who's on what side? I get the "shades of gray" thing, but you need some sort of lines. Even when Steve Austin was an "anti-hero," he was still pushed as the good guy against Vince McMahon. Guys like Vis and Y2J seem to flip flop from day to day.) He says that we all want to see some hot, sexy, action. Christy agrees and orders her pledges to introduce themselves to the audience in 30 seconds or less. In that time, they need to strip to their bra and panties too. I wonder if any of these girls immediately regretted asking their grandparents to watch them on TV from home.
Let's go, ladies. Whore it up.
1. Ashley: Unlike these prissies, she's gonna show us "how to take it down, alright?" She then takes off her shirt and skirt. She's probably crying on the inside.
2. Leyla: She has no underwear on. She never takes her clothes off and the buzzer cuts her off before she can finish. No underwear, huh Leyla? Well. That's certainly, uh, dirty.
3.Summer: Linda McMahon does her lines with more excitement and emotion that Summer does. Then again, Linda doesn't strip so it all balances out.
4. Crystal: Doesn't say much but just takes off her clothes. She doesn't get much of a reaction. That's because she's freaky looking.
5. Elisabeth: She's wearing a sports bra. The crowd boos her. A sports bra? What does she think this is? A sport? Hahahahaha! Ahhhh. Nothing like watching WWE slowly destroy the art of wrestling.
6. Simona: She says that she's a hot blooded Italian American. Watch it Simona. Don't be too Italian. You'll end up in an FBI shirt or going by the name "Simona Sincere" before you know it.
7. Cameron: The crowd was ravenous at this point and their displeasure was growing. I felt like I was watching a Puerto Rican wrestling card from the early 80s.
8. Alexis: She yells and then pours a beer on her head. She seemed really into the whole contest and came off like the girl that's most likely strangest behind the scenes. She ended her drenched promo by saying "As Ric Flair says, to be the woman - you gotta beat the woman." You know, to the best of my recollection, he says "man" and not "woman." I better listen closer next time.
Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance! Viscera and the
Ho Contestant Train dance around the ring when suddenly...
Sgt. Slaughter shows up. No joke - Sgt. Slaughter. (JG Note: Can this thing get any stranger? Who's coming out next? Jameson?) Next week we're starting Bikini Boot Camp with the Sarge. It's not enough that these girls make a mockery out of wrestling, now they have to make a mockery out of boot camp too? Screw all that. They agree to Sarge's command for next week's Booty Camp. However, this week - they dance! Yay! Dance! Hee hee! Dance! Oh God. This segment was so bad that I think I got an aneurysm.
Commercial Break. Snickers is only satisfying if you eat it. Is that a disclaimer to discourage people from doing sicko sex things with Snickers bars?
Get ready everyone! It's time for Batista's cheesiest promo to date. Todd Grisham welcomes Dave to the interview and asks about last night's Hell in a Cell match. Tista actually gets emotional about how much he left in the ring. Apparently it took a lot out of him...mentally. Coo coo. Coo coo. It took away "a part of myself that I don't think I'll ever get back." TG asks if it was worth it. Tista stares longingly at his title and then says "You bet your ass it was worth it." I felt like I was watching a 1950s fighting movie. Yeah, yeah. You tell Bugsy that if he wants a piece of Batista, he can meet me at the old Chorale after the sun goes down. I won't be hard to find. I'll be the one holdin' a bullet with his name on it. Yeah. Yeah.
In the dark corner of the arena, Christian, Chris Jericho, and Tyson Tomko try to figure out the third member of team Heartbreak Poop. Could it be Marty Jannetty? No. Captain Charisma thinks that MJ is in jail. What about Kevin Nash? Fozzyface answers with a line that cracked me up:
"Nash would tear a hamstring just picking up the phone."
- Chris Jericho, 10:44pm
They then wonder if their location, Anaheim, could have something to do with the surprise. After all, this is close to Hollywood. It couldn't be...hahahah! No way. They don't say who they're talking about, but you can figure it out. It's obvious. Corey Feldman.
Commercial Break. I rented
Destroy All Humans
this weekend and I recommend it wholeheartedly, which I don't do often. It's only for those of us that like to eat the brains of Earthlings and destroy their towns with our spaceships. Seriously, who doesn't like that?
John Cena and Shawn Michaels are in the ring and their opponents are awaiting the word on partner #3. Well, let's get him out here...
Hee hee. OK, Hulk. You call. You call.
Oh, Vince. You're so bad. I'm dialing...hang on. Hello? Hello? I'm looking for Mr. Jarrett, please? - hee hee, shut up, Vince - Hello? Hi! It's Hulk Hogan here. Listen my knee should be healed in a few months and I'd love to be on the TNA pay per view. See you there! Aaahahahhahahahhah! Hah ha hahahah! - Click
AHAHAHAHH! Oh Hulkster, that's funny. I love you.
(3) WWE Champion John Cena, Hulk Hogan, & Shawn Michaels defeated Tyson Tomko, Christian, & Chris Jericho when Hogan pinned Tomko The Hulkster hath returned and Leatherskin still gets a great reaction. In short spurts, surrounded by people who can protect him, Hulk can still draw a huge ovation and help close out any lackluster show. Thankfully, they had him in their pocket for this one. His appearance coupled with Flair-Angle helped to save an otherwise forgettable night. It also helped the WWE Champion Cena who needs names like Hogan and Michaels next to him in order to help his star quality grow. The match was what it was and Hollywood didn't get into the action until the end was upon us. He took down everyone in his path and nailed Double T with a big boot and then a leg drop for a pinfall victory.
After the bell, Shawn put Hogan's bandanna on his own head (JG Note: Now it's HBK's turn to hide the baldness). The three pose together and then John Cena left the ring. Ross commends him for leaving, citing the respect that he's showing to the two legends. It was nice to see, but would have been nicer if Heartbreak and Hollywood invited him back. They didn't, but that's pretty much expected. We fade to black as Brook Hogan's Dad and the Leather Chaps guy leave the scene.
All in all... I was kind of disappointed tonight and it wasn't for the reasons you might think.
I didn't mind Hulk Hogan's return. I didn't care that he's gotten on in years. I didn’t care that he wore his bandanna the whole time. It worked for what it was. The crowd popped and the moment came and went. Even though Hulk just returned recently, they don't have him as a regular performer. To close out a show with the image of HBK and Hulk standing alongside Cena, it only helps the WWE Champ. Even though he bowed out early, it shows that John respects history and hopefully it'll help to stroke some egos that pull strings backstage. Never hurts to get both the Bret Screwer and the WCW killer on your side politically.
I was disappointed in Batista's promo. I was more disappointed in the absence of Triple H. WWE's push of their Hell in a Cell match was way off. Now, after a pretty good showing by both men, it's all ignored. It makes no sense. First the ECW show and now this. For some reason, WWE hasn't been able to follow up any successful pay show moments with strong Raw follow ups for a while.
Insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting different results. On that note, WWE presents the Raw Diva Search Part 2.
Big Show and RVD, huh? Eh. If anything, it makes Smackdown more interesting. With one of the men involved in the six man challenge for the SD Title being drafted to Raw (Show), you wonder who's going to fill that space. It'll be interesting to see who ends up on the Thursday brand. It's even more interesting when you realize that neither Hunter or Tista had a chance to really have a goodbye moment on Raw if it does happen one of them who leaves. Strange when you think about it.
Ric Flair and Kurt Angle was better than anyone should have expected. Flair should really make that one of his last regular matches, though. He could still give a great performance and I enjoy watching him. However, if he croaks in the middle of a match, I'll have a hard time watching wrestling at all anymore. I don't want that to happen. Please, Ric. Don't wrestle anymore. Don't die and make me have to stop watching wrestling matches. I'm begging you, man.
There you have it. 2 hours and change of ok stuff. They could have delivered a real home run if they focused more on last night's pay-per-view. Instead we got 3 matches, Diva Fluff 2, Hulkamania, ECW RVD, Show-Snitsky, and a green faced Masterpiece. There were ups. There were downs. We laughed. We cried. We all went home full. Hooray.
That's it for me. See you all next week for the 4th!