As we head into Raw, there’s so much to talk about. How about the R-Rated WWE Champion? Will Edge’s first day of reign two go off with the same “bang” that his first run did? Can WWE continue to find small jobbers to feed to Umaga? Now that the Hazing Target Search Diva Search is underway, can the powers-that-be outdo the Insanity of last year’s contest? How about the year before? Even better, how about the year before that? Remember that year? There was no Diva Search. Ah. Good times. Good times. Oh, and of course, will Vince McMahon find himself humiliated once again thanks to DeGeneration X and their schemes? What do The Green and Black Attack have planned for the chairman tonight? Chickens? Burps? Hot Dogs? Poop? Naked man ass? Father-in-law/Son-in-law potato sack races? The possibilities are endless. There’s only one way to find out. Spark the binger, high five Sabu, and toss the empty baggie out the window. ‘Cause we’re riding high…High on Raw!

Video Recap of Rob Van Dam’s Five Star Frog Splash from atop the ladder of success.

Ladies and gentlemen, get your grubby little hands ready to applaud. It’s the man of the hour, too sweet to be sour, funky like a monkey…ooo yeah…Edge. The new WWE Champion is in street clothes alongside his lady Lita. The duo walk to ringside and unveil their own….announce table! What? Yeah. You heard me right. Announce table. I wasn’t expecting it either. Anyway, Amy and Adam take a seat at their R-Rated broadcast spot and prepare to join J.R. and the King for the action. As some of you may remember, Leet is a former color commentator. She spent a while making our ears bleed alongside Jonathon Coachman on Sunday Night Nails on the Blackboard Heat. You also may remember that Jim Ross was a pioneer in the “bring your own announce table” field. (JG Note: Dagnabit, Edge! Where did you learn to do this stuff? FROM YOU, JR! I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!) The first match is ready to begin.

You’ve reached the offices of DeGeneration X. Leave a message after the tone. Suck it and God Bless.

Beep

1) John Cena defeated Shelton Benjamin via STFU Submission

Immediately, Edge shows up everybody on the mic by saying that it’s been over ten years since the WWE Title was defended at Saturday Night’s Main Event. The other announcers take no offense, though. In fact, Jerry Lawler asks if there’s a chance that Lita’s shirt might fall off. That would have to be pretty shoddy shirt stitching for it to just fall off. The match itself was alright, but it’s really disheartening to see how little they can do with Benjamin now. I mean, you have a solid wrestler on your payroll and you can’t figure out how to get him over without a failed sitcom star as his “momma?” That sucks. Since Mama Thea bounced town, Benji’s new gimmick is that he wears unbuttoned Rocky Maivia shirts. Great.  Things heated up a bit in the end with Shelton flipping out of the F-U position and nearly scoring a pinfall. John reeled for a moment but eventually hit the former IC Champ with the finisher and then locked in Erik Watts’s his patented STF…uh, U.

After the bell, John Cena beat up Edge because that’s what happens when you bring your own announce table and sit at ringside for your enemy’s match. Either you attack him or he attacks you. You know how it is. The beating last for a little while, but eventually ended as many good opening segments do - with John Cena rolling around in pain. Copeland hit a DDT and then walked backwards up the ramp with Lita. Microphone in hand, The Edgeman informed the crowd that he’s heading back to his hotel room. He’s gonna diddle his piddle with Miss Amy and watch Raw on TV. Recognize.

Commercial Break. Microscopic men in hard hats make Burger King burgers? That‘s friggin gross. In the commercial a burger pattie actually falls on one of the little bug people. Yuck. How many mini-people have I accidentally eaten through the years?! Oh God. I’m gonna puke.

Video package of DX ruining Mr. McMahon’s day last week. The audience in the video package really seemed to like it. They seemed to laugh much more than the people in the arena last week. Strange.  I must be remembering it wrong. After all, video packages don’t lie.

Gene Snitsky, Eugene Dinsmore, Torrie Wilson and her dog Chloe are all watching the video package backstage. They laugh and cheer. Man. I miss the old Snitsky. The old Gene would have eaten the dog, killed Dinsmore, and humped Torrie as soon as the camera switched on. Not the new Snitsky.  No.  This Snitsky runs like a little girl when he sees the McMahons a-comin’. Vince McMahon and his boy wonder Shane approach the last giggler remaining, Eugene. After rubbing the chairman the wrong way with his DX references, Dins found himself in a whole heap-o-trouble. Seems the McManson Family is seeking out an opponent for a handicap match. Who do you think that person might be, Eugo? Bischoff’s fake nephew guesses “Dr. Isaac Yankum,” but is told he’s wrong. That person…is you, Eugene. Why? Cryptically, Shane-o Mac says that it’s because the McMahons always has the last laugh! (JG Note: Technically, they’re not the last ones laughing. Usually they’re the only ones laughing.  But it's all good.)

2) Melina pinned Trish Stratus with a roll-up

One day, Nitro’s gonna slide in the ring and accidentally clip Melina’s leg. You know what’s worse? Someone will turn it into an animated gif and we’ll all send it to our friends and laugh. Poor Melina. They shouldn’t have her wrestling. She should be a manager, plain and simple. I never understood WWE’s mentality with these divas. It’s like, “Hey. She’s hot. Let’s make her wrestle. Get hit a lot. F*ck up her face real good. That’s money.” That’s not to say that Mel is bad in the ring. She’s OK. She and Trish put on a respectable match that ended with The Devine Miss M scoring an upset pinfall on the former Women’s Champion after Strats tried to counter Johnny‘s interference. Highlights include a new chop that Stratus has developed. It’s just like a regular corner chop. The only difference is that she licks the palm of her hand first. Sweet.

After the bell, Nitro ran in to help his lady. He does so by attacking her female opponent. I guess John’s a real “ends justify the means” guy. Nite grabs Trish and appears poised to help his girlfriend beat her butt. The then save is made by… Carlito….just like every week. The heels run off and even the Jerry The King says, “Carlito helping once again!”  You got that right.  Why doesn't he just come and sit at rindside when Trish wrestles?  Save himself the post-match run to the ring.

In response to the attack, Ross says, “Nitro’s a real tough guy trying to double-team Trish.”

The sad thing? Lawler didn’t catch this line at all. I’m sure he’ll kick himself for missing that one tomorrow.

Elsewhere in the city, Edge and Lita have arrived at a hotel. They try to check into their room, but are told that it’s not ready yet. If Amy and Adam care to wait, they can do so up in the bar area. Copeland asks if the bar gets the USA Network and is told that, yes, it does. Sounds good, right? Nope. Edgar sends Leet away and then turns his attention to the hotel employee. That’s when he says this:

“OK. Listen to me for a second, ok. Y ou see, there’s a reason why people like me are champions. And there’s a reason why people like you are standing behind a desk in the middle of nowhere in your mid-thirties with a haircut that like someone put a bowl on your head and cut around it!”
                    - Edge, 9:43pm

After chastising the hotel clerk, Edge tells him to come calling when the room is ready. The R-Rated Superstar is going to go join his woman up in the bar. 

Commercial Break. "ECW on Sci-Fi - No Excuses." Man, you ain’t kiddin’. There’s absolutely no excuse for that show.

The Highlanders have arrived. It’s John Nord and Jos LeDuc in kilts and they’re so happy to be in America. That’s right. Yakov Smirnoff has nothing on these guys. They love our country! They love our porn! They love…uh, oh. No time to talk. The opponents are on their way to the ring!

They call me the Con-Man. I conned people into thinking I was a French Sympathizer.

Yeah? Well I told the school I worked at that I was sick when I was really in Japan wrestling. Yeah.  Then I posted pictures of the matches on the internet. Then I got in the paper. Then I got a job here.

3) The Highlanders defeated Matt Striker and Rob Conway when Robbie pinned Conway

Conway and Striker came out to a theme song that began with a school bell. No joke - I had a Saved By The Bell flashback. In fact, I have no idea how the rest of Matt’s entrance music goes because all I heard in my head was “When ya wake up in the morning and the a-larm lets out warning, I don’t think I’ll ever make it on time…” The Highlanders are doing their thing and it’s working so far. They’re the comedy tag team from another country. They wear kilts. They put their opponents’ heads under them. That’s their thing. The best part of the Landers is that they tag each other with slaps in the face. Funny. It all came to a close for Robby C when the McAllistars hit him with their dreaded Scott Drop. You can count to a hundred.  This one's history, Cousin.  Whooooaaaa!  Yeahhhhh!

  Ric Flair is backstage walking and sweating. He’s stopped by Maria, who asks about his issues with Mick Foley. After telling Maria, in a roundabout way, that he would love to have sex with her, Flair says that he has something else to say in the ring. He’s going to tell the world the true story of Foley. Bang, bang. In more ways than one, baby. Whoooo!

Commercial Break. Know what happens when the mini-people get fired from working at Burger King? Capital One must hire them to play “small business owners” for their commercials. Man, I never knew there was such a wide array of work for microscopic people until I started watching these commercial breaks more closely.

Ric, By God - Whooooo, Flair is in the house and he’s ready to confront Mick Foley. Ric proved to the world that you are a glorified stuntman! You are…

…interrupted, Ric. Mick Foley suddenly appears on the TitanTron and he’s ready to deliver one of his classic I-Suffered, You-Didn’t, You-Suck, I-Don’t, Look-How-Mad-I-Can-Get promos. Funny thing about this one is that it grew on me as it went on. I won’t type it out because speeches like this have become more the rule than the exception for Cactus Jack lately. He talks about how his ear fell off in Germany. Oooops. When it did, they gave it to his boss at the time, Ric Flair. Flair was holding his ear, yet Mick was still in the ring! He was still wrestling! One ear and wrestling! Bang Bang! Ahhhh! Mankind gets angrier and angrier as the speech goes on and it really becomes clear how counterproductive it is to have Flair playing the babyface in all this. Mick’s speech and Ric’s old school stance seem to be on the wrong sides of the good vs. evil struggle. You’d expect Flair to play the bad guy, a role he’s excelled in through the years, and Mankind to play the hero, a role he rose to prominence in. Instead, it’s like bizarre-o world. The stinging speech from Dude Love ended by mocking Naitch’s male genital grabbing fetish, tired clichés, and insignificance. Cactus calls the former Evolution member a “tired old hack.” Ric may be a 16 time champion, but Mickey has been interviewed “twice by Katie Couric” and is a “good close personal friend to Melina.” No, Flairboy. There won’t be no rematch. You see, the New York Times bestseller is done with you. You’re off the Cactus List, you “used up piece of crap.” 

Sweating like cracked bottle of water, Flair pauses for a moment. When the preceding bitch-out by Foley finally registers in his head, Ric goes nuts. He takes off his coat and calls Mr. Socko’s dad out to the ring. Let’s do it, Mick! Hardcore! The Nature Boy wishes he would have “stomped your ear into the ground!” Before Naitch can make any more magic wishes, he’s greeted by the leader of the Dangerous Alliance…Paul Heyman.

Paulie is here to see you, Mr., Flair. You see, you keep making a mistake around here. You group hardcore wrestling, “garbage wrestling,” and Extreme all into the same category. It could be because you never worked for ECW, Ric. Makes sense.You think? It seems you lack respect for that type of product. Paul figures that you might have missed the news since you have such disdain for ECDub, so he’s brought some footage. There’s a new Extreme Champ, Mr. Nature. His name is the Big Show. He’s Big. He’s a Show. He’s the champ. Here. Watch this video package. It’ll explain everything.

Video Recap of Rob Van Dam’s Five Star Frog Splash from atop the ladder of success - Night Two: Big Show Night.

With that, Paul introduces the ECW Champion Big Show. Jerry Lawler wonders why the ECW commissioner is even allowed in the Raw arena. Good question by Jerry. Of course, no answer is ever given.

So Big Show’s here and he’s got some -whoo - news. Get this, Slick Ric. Your 16 titles don’t mean a thing. Know why? Well because in wrestling history, only one man has ever held the WWE, WCW, and ECW Championships. You know who that one man is, Ric? (JG Note: Maniac Mike Davis?) That man is the Big Show - that’s who! (JG Note: Oh.) So bring yourself to ECDub tomorrow night, Ric. We’ll make a match…

Big Show vs. Ric Flair for the ECW Title!

Uh…Am I on acid? Flair agrees and then stands nose-to chest with the Giant. From behind, The Nature Boy is pushed by Paul and called a “son-of-a-bitch.” This, of course, is all a distraction for Ric so Big Show can grab him from behind. He hooks the 43 time World Champion with a Cobra Clutch and then violently brings him down across his knee. Slick Ric writhes in pain we have ourselves a match. Ric Flair vs. Big Show for the ECW Title. Wow. That just sounds so weird.  This match couldn't be any stranger if it was held underwater.

In the leather couch room, Vince McMahon and his son Shane are mentally preparing for DeGeneration X. Without warning, there’s a knock on the door. Who could it be? Why it’s Eugene Dinsmore, of course! He came to apologize for his actions earlier. Awww. How sweet. Vinnie and the guy with Paulie Walnuts hair seem to forgive the confused superstar. Seriously. They even give him one of those DX shirts with the naked troll dolls on it. However, just as Mr. Dinsmore is about to get all giddy over his gift, he learns the true motives behind the evil McMahons. Out of nowhere, they dump some of that Christine McGlade Green Slime down on Eugene’s head. He flails around, drenching the room in slime like one of those spin-art machines at the fair. Ahhhhhh! Green slime storm! Green slime storm! Everything’s ruined - including the leather couch! VKM must really love that couch because he and the boy pound away on the Green Eugene. Then, when you think it can’t get any worse for Jim Duggan’s little buddy, it does. Shane takes his head and holds it in the toilet. (Vince McMahon Note: Toilets. That’s gold, baby. Gold.) The slime mixes with the toilet water to create a bowl full of Ecto-Cooler. After the vicious beating, Gene-o is ejected from the green-stained room and told to warn Degeneration X of what it’s in store.

Commercial Break. Saturday Night’s Main Event is coming to NBC this weekend. If you’re wondering when it’s on, then you have bad reading comprehension skills.

During the commercial, Paul Heyman made Candice Michele an offer to come to ECW tomorrow night. He asks if she wants to have a dance-off with Kelly. Candy turns down the offer for a dance-off, but agrees to dance with Kelly. Nice. Maybe she’ll teach Kelly how to dance. I’m sure it’ll get under the skin of Marvelous Marc Mero Mike Knox.

4) Viscera and Charlie Haas fought to a no-contest

Lillian did the ring announcing for this match and didn’t seem to act like it was anything other than some regular ol’ match. Once the announcements were made, though, she showed some interest. From ringside, she appeared to be calling to both men like a princess at a gladiator fight. This one seemed to be a time filler at moments and the crowd acted accordingly. While the back-story for Haas-Viscera is somewhat interesting, at the end of the day, it’s still Haas-Viscera. While it was better than you might expect, it still was pretty lackluster for the bulk of it. Sadly, the biggest pop came when Vis did the Rick Rude hip-swivel. Tells ya something. Lily must have been sick of it all too. She took the microphone and stopped the pain.

She entered the ring and tried to call them both off. Chill, boys. Garcia wants to be friends with you two. That’s it! Just friends! Nothing more, nothing less. How does Charlie Haas respond to this offer of friendship? He rips into Viscera’s eyeballs. Nice.

Chuckie leaves Mabel blinded and prepares to depart the ring while Lillian tends to her big blind friend. However, just as you might expect, it’s Big Vis’s turn to accidentally flatten Lil. With his eyes tightly shut, the World’s Largest Love Machine grabs Garcia. Obviously thinking she’s Charlie, he scoops her onto his shoulders and lands a Samoan Drop. Ouch. Before we go any further, here’s a list of things not to think about while watching Viscera‘s “accidental“ attack on his lady-friend.

A) Charlie Haas doesn’t weigh 100 pounds.

B) Charlie Haas doesn’t scream like a lady.

C) Charlie Haas doesn’t have long hair.

D) Charlie Haas isn’t wearing a bracelet.

E) Charlie Haas isn’t wearing a skirt.

F) Charlie Haas doesn’t have breasts.

There’s lots more, but you get the picture. Had they let him clothesline Lillian, it would have had less holes.. To have him physically pick her up throws off the logic a bit. Once you lift her a foot in the air, you know she’s not Charlie Haas. Unless Charlie is filled with helium and weighs 100 pounds, it seems pretty silly. But, as I said, don’t think about that. Instead think that they’ve now both screwed up and accidentally hurt Lillian Garcia. Actually, know what? Forget everything I just said.  There's a reason this one had logic holes. This wasn’t no accident!

No way. Viscera and Charlie Haas stop suddenly and look at the fallen Garcia. Then they smile. Then they laugh. Then they kiss. Nah. I’m kidding. They didn’t kiss. Given how Vis is booked, you almost didn’t think I was kidding, right? No. No kissing. However, they both seem to be happy with the injuries they’ve given to Lillian, who's stretchered from the ring. Jerry Lawler plays narrator and says that both men must realize that they’ve been “kicked to the curb” and decided to take out their anger on the lady who jilted them. The King justifies their actions by saying, “What guy wants a girl to just be his friend?” In a related story, high school cheerleaders will be attacked by dorks across the country tomorrow. The excuse most will give? “Ask Jerry Lawler why I did it! He understands!” 

We’re in the bar of the No-Tell Hotel with Edge and Lita. The two are enjoying mimosas and seem to be drunk. There’s five empty glasses between the two of them. If it takes Lita two glasses to get drunk, then that meants it only takes three for Edge? He gets drunk on three mimosas? What?  Even worse... not all the glasses are entirely empty. He gets drunk on less than three mimosas?! I’ve seen old women drink three mimosas. Damn. Keep that man away from Wine Coolers. He’s a lightweight. The giggly drunks pass the time by laughing at how funny the word “mimosa” is. Just as they’re chuckling, however, hotel clerk with the bowl-hair interrupts. Hey, Mr. No-Tolerance, your room will be ready in ten minutes. Adam scowls and tells the peon to have room service ready when he gets there.

After the break, the Raw Diva Search returns! May God have mercy on all our souls.

Retro Commercial Break.

Mike the Miz is here. He does his thing. What’s his thing? It’s this:

Miiiiiiiiiihhhfiiiiiiittttts! It is finallllllly tiiiiiiiiiime for the 2006 Quarter Million Dollars WWE DIVAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH SEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH! WAKE IT UP!

I just want to stop right here and express my public disapproval of the Miz. He is - bar-none - the most annoying announcer the company has ever had. From his Ed Grimly hairdo to his overdone screeching. He makes Todd Pettingle seem like The Fonz. He makes John Coachman look like Elvis. He makes Mark Lloyd look like…uh, Elvis Fonz. Whatever. You know what I’m saying. Mike the Mizerable isn’t at the top of my favorite list. To put it bluntly, every time Mike The Miz is on TV, a baby kitten dies.

So Mr. Mizerable starts off on his spiel, but things suddenly get really bad. How bad? Really bad. This happens:

“Let me hear you say Hoorah! That’s what I’m talking about, baby. Now we all know that the sexiest women in the world are…or the sexiest women on television are in the WWE. And tonight, we’re gonna search for the next WWE Diva. Now to vote for each of these young ladies, you have to vote…go to…to the, eh, hahahah…go to, uh, go to, uh, WWE….dial 86946 and vote for your, uh, favorite diva search contestant, and text message your favorite diva search girl. To her name.”
        - Mike the Miz, 10:32pm

Holy crap. This was the most insane thing in a while. I’ve never heard an audience actually boo instructions before. He was so bad and so lost that people were actually booing his incompetence. Oh, I almost forgot. At the part where he gave out the text message numbers, he had to turn his arm around and read the cheat sheet on his watch. It must have been a nightmare. I’ve never seen someone drown like that on Raw. He just sank. If you didn’t get to see this on Raw for yourself, something tells me there’ll be plenty of online videos popping up of this. I'm not exaggerating.  Sid Vicious would watch this segment and say, "Man, that guy has problems delivering his lines."

When the girls finally come out, Jerry Lawler gives the WWE.com instructions for voting. Then Jim Ross adds that they can text message too. In other words, they did Mizanin’s job. Once the girls stand in line, Mike says, “Now you guys know why I got nervous.” Ohhhh.  It’s because all the women backstage were hot. Got it.  That's what made him too nervous to do his job correctly.  Wow.  Let's just go to the Diva Wanna-bes.  They each have 20 seconds to plead their case. 

First girl up is Jen. She says she’s going to be my sex kitten. She warns us that she bites. Then she asks who wants to feel her bite. People cheer. Chompers hands the mic back to the drowning victim and we move on to the next hopeful.

The next one is Layla and she looks like Hillary from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. She says she’s very excited to be the next “deever.”

#3 is Erica, who quotes John Cena and says that the other girls can’t see her. Mizerable says that he can see her. He can see her "very well." Oh yeah. He’s got good eyesight, baby. 20/20. Hoorah!

Maryse is next. She speaks broken English and says something about wanting to be a diva like the Fabulous Moolah.

After that comes Milena. Not the famous Melina. This is Milena. Different girl. Melina pinned Trish Stratus earlier tonight. Milena was overdressed and begged for votes before being cut off by the bell.

Then came Rebecca. She said that the girls thought they were “hot” but she had something for them. With that, she put the microphone into her cleavage and reached into her boot. From there, she pulled out an unknown substance and started spraying it at everyone. The girls screamed and Becca cackled wildly. I was stunned. For a second, I thought she was a planted contestant slated to be a villain and attack the other girls. After I talked myself out of that, I thought she might be a girl that just decided that national TV would be a good time to go insane. Then, after that, I got really paranoid and thought she was a terrorist spraying deadly chemicals in the air. Turns out it was none of that. I guess she sprayed water or something because the Miz just took the mic and moved on. The scariest part was that if it was all in good fun, then why did she have this evil contorted grimace on her face as she sprayed it? No kidding, man. I was scared. Who told her that was a good idea? Doesn’t she have any friends? I can‘t believe no one in her life said, “Rebecca, maybe you shouldn’t spray an unknown substance at the other contestants during the first show.  Just a thought.”

Good ol’ JT is next. J.T. has nothing to say. She just wants to get “down and dirty.” She says that if we vote for Jay Z, she will. Jay Z? What does he have to…oh - J. T.  Nevermind.

Amy is the last one to speak. She blah, blah. Blah, blah. Blah. Dedication. Blah. Blah.  Blah. Back to you, Ed Grimly.

Once the speaking is over, Mizzy tells the hoochies that he has a big surprise. Bring your 300 calorie-a-day asses to Smackdown this Friday because it’s the return of…DIVA BOOT CAMP! Yay! Whatever. I wonder what Shane McMahon is doing right now.

He’s talking to the Coach, that’s what Shane McMahon is doing. He tells Johnny C that once DX arrives, he’s to inform the McMahons. Coachman agrees and Shane-o does some bouncy shadow-boxing. His dancing is interrupted though. Seems ol’ Hacksaw Jim Duggan doesn’t like the way Eugene was treated earlier, Tough Guy! Jim tells Little Mac that he’s known him since he was in diapers. You never had any respect for anyone, Shane. Now Duggan is gonna whoop your spoiled little ass! Hoooooo….Ow! From behind, Vince McMahon cracks Hacksaw across the skull with a steel chair. Jimbo gets back to his feet and is taken down with a second chairshot care of the McSon. Dug falls to the floor in a heap while Vin and his boy give a thumbs up and cry out “hoooo!” Yo Duggan, you just got Macked!

Commercial Break. The All Star Game is on tomorrow. They should really consider switching nights. I mean, who’s going to watch it? Everyone’s going to be watching ECW on Sci…hahahahaha. I couldn’t even type it. Hehehehe.. Too funny.

1996 - JC Penny‘s

Hi Randy. Come on in. Take a seat.

Hi Brad. What’s up? It’s not every day that I‘m called into the General Manager‘s office.

Fresh off of a busy week of being lied about by sketchy Internet sites, Randy Orton is here and he has some real news for everyone. This weekened, Hulk Hogan is returning to Saturday Night’s Main Event. You all know Hollywood Hogan. He’s a legend! Well, too bad, Hulkster. Orton is a legend killer. You’ll find that out when the two of you are introduced.  Now let's get Mr. O's foe out here right now!

Helloooooo, ladies…

Hello, Val Venis. What can we do for you?

5) Randy Orton pinned Val Venis after the RKO

You don’t have to be the Genius Lanny Poffo to figure out who won this match. The surprising thing was how short the contest was. While the Big Jobowski posed on the top turnbuckle, he was hooked from behind and tossed to the mat. It was all of five seconds before Randall nailed him with the RKO and scored himself a three count.

After the match was over, Orton took the microphone and endured a “Hogan” chant from the crowd. He continued on, though. You see, Mr. RKO not only wants to introduce himself to Hulk. He wants to introduce himself to Hogan’s daughter, Brooke. If you’re reading between the lines, you know that he’s talking about “introducing” with a capital F. Wam, bam, take your vitamins, and say your prayers, baby.

Back at the hotel, The Mimosa King Edge is still loopy on orange juice and champagne with Lita while they watch Raw from their room. He refers to Randy Orton as “Young Randall” and mocks Hulk Hogan’s baldness until room service arrives. When it does, Adam Copeland is not happy. He calls the delivery man “Pee Wee Herman” and then does the Pee Wee laugh. It was funny. But then, from off-camera Lita does her rendition of the laugh and it’s even better than Edge’s. Really funny. I actually rewound it. Good stuff from Miss Amy. Drunken Edgehead tells Herman to run off and get him some champagne. Angrily, Edgehead tells the food guy that he has “three minutes” to go get it. For a brief second, I hope against hope for the return of Three Minute Warning. It would be awesome. 3MW featuring Umaga and the guy with Underwear on his face. Now that’s money.  Hotelboy scurries off while the WWE Champion makes out with Matt Hardy's ex.

Commercial Break. Let me see if I understand the point of the new anti-drug and alcohol commercials. If you do drugs and drink, you’ll become a midget. Gotcha. So… all midgets are drug addicts and alcoholics. Is that the message? Man. That’s a pretty crappy message for a PSA.

We’re back at the No-Tell Hotel once again with Edge and Lita. Finally, we’ve made it to the final hotel segment. In other words, the surprise John Cena attack that has been dragged out all night  finally gets to take place. There’s a knock at the door. Yada, yada, yada. John Cena’s beating Copeland’s ass all over the room. It had all the elements of Stone Cold’s supermarket brawl with Booker T. Dr. Thuggy slid the WWE Champion across the dining table and even stopped to shove the room service food in his face. The attack ended after the Word Lifer tossed Adam into a lamp and then slammed him across the face with the WWE Title. Content with the damage done, J.C. walks to the catering tray, rings the room service bell, and leaves the scene of the assault.  Cena doesn't have to worry about legal punishment.  There's no witnesses, of course.  After all, no one can see him.

Still to come: It’s a handicapped match! Raw’s most successful mentally-challenged wrestler…teams up with his dad to take on Eugene Dinsmore.

Commercial Break. Get Williams ‘Lectric Shave. It’s preshave lotion. Well, who the hell is William? What does his face look like? If I’m gonna use some guy’s aftershave, I want to see what the guy looks like first. Wouldn’t you?

How a Distracted Secretary Changed History

Yeah, hi Pricilla. Come in here. Take a memo. I figured out my gimmick and theme song. I’m going to be a mummy. That’s right. I’m wrapping myself from head to toe in toilet paper. Even better, I’m going to be a talking mummy. How’s that? Change of pace, huh? Talking mummy.

Yes, Mr. McMahon.

Shane. Call me Shane. Now take a note. I have the words for my theme song. I want you to rush this to Jim Johnson.

Shane McMahon is in the house. He’s still green and seems to have an aversion to washing himself since he’s still covered from an incident that happened like an hour ago. Vince McMahon eventually joins him. He’s dirty too. Once in the ring, Vinnie Mac takes the microphone and introduces his own opponent. He’s lean. He’s green. He’s Eugene!

Just as Eugene Dinsmore starts to walk the aisle, he’s distracted by the Spirit Squad. The male cheerleaders show up at the curtain and Dinsmore turns to look at them. Bad move, Dinsy. From behind, Shane attacks and tosses Eugene into the ring.

From there, we’re treated to both a beatdown and a commentary session care of the McMahon family. Shane-o does the hitting while Vino does the commentating. The chairman condones his own behavior by saying the match is a no-DQ contest! That’s right. Anything goes! Vinnie cackles as his son and The Spirti Squad mercilessly pummel the fallen Gene. It seems like all is lost for the fallen Bischoff nephew. The crowd chants for him to make a comeback, but it looks like that won’t be happening. The S.S. lay E.D. on Edge’s announce table and Little Mac climbs the turnbuckles. Time for the Mean Street Posse Leader to fly. Time for…

Break it down!

They’re here! By God - DeGeneration X is here! Triple H and Shawn Michaels arrive just as their music begins to play. King of Kings and the Boy Toy stand at the top of the ramp but walk no further. Shane and the Cheerboys walk halfway up the aisle and then stop as well. “Finally,” cries Vince McMahon. DX is here. Now bring your 1997 butts up that aisle and take your punishment like men!

Hunter tells his father-in-law that they’re not going to the ring, but Big Mac again insists. He tells the K.o.K. to stand right in the middle of the entrance way. By now both DX and the audience have figured out that Daddy Mac has set up some sort of goop to fall from the ceiling onto HBK and Trips when they stand in a certain spot. After dancing around the spot, the two wild and crazy guys decide to give in. They walk to the obviously gimmicked spot and stand perfectly still. VKM gives the code word.

“How NOW, brown cow!”
- Vince McMahon, 11:06pm

Nothing happens, though. Frustrated, Vince keeps screaming the word "now" but still nothing happens. McMahon is perplexed. Then it happened.  No, not green slime.  This:

6) Eugene defeated Vince and Shane McMahon after pinning Vince with a roll-up

Snap.

Michaels chuckles and Helmsley falls to the ground laughing. HAHAHAHAHAH! Hunter hasn’t laughed that hard since RVD got arrested. He tells them all to prepare for Saturday Night’s Main Event. If you ain’t down with that, we got three words for ya! Fade to black.

All in all…Better than the last few weeks. Take that for what you will.

The Diva Search is a damn train wreck. Always has been. Always will be. Just call it that. Call it the Diva Search Train Wreck. What I wouldn’t give to hear the bitch-out session Mike the Mizerable is going to get after that one. His intro to the contest was enough to make anyone save this show on DVD.  Talk about starting things on a symbolic note. 

With less DX, Raw had a chance to get some airtime for other conflicts. In the case of Charlie Haas and Viscera, that conflict culminated in the formation of a mid-card tag team. Splendid. Considering that Shelton Benjamin isn’t being used at all, wouldn’t it make sense to team the heel Haas with him? I mean, we already know that that combo works. Instead you have the World’s Greatest Men on a Mission. Hooray. Headbands and satin pajamas for everyone.

The Flair-ECW feud is interesting. The match tomorrow night still sounds insane when you say out loud. "Big Show vs. Ric Flair for the ECW Title." Man. It’s like saying Strangler Lewis vs. Kimchee for the GLOW World Title or Lord Littlebrook vs. Matilda for the USWA Title or Buddy Rogers vs. Dark Journey for the Western States Heritage Title. So weird. I’m intrigued to see it all play out. Also, it’ll be cool to see Flair fight  in an ECW ring. I know it’s fake ECW and everything, but the ring still looks kinda like the old one. So, it works in a way.

The show did its thing and seemed to build up for Saturday Night’s Main Event. You can definitely expect to see Eugene, Jim Duggan, and probably Snitsky involved in the DX-Spirit Squad match. It’s strange to see them involve the low-level comedy players in the top storyline but given DeGeneration X’s gimmick they sort of fit. The ending to tonight’s show was a good final note to end on before NBC’s event.

So there you have it. Fun stuff. If you haven’t already, be sure to check out this week’s edition of JG‘s Radio Free Insanity with Earl Hebner. Earl shoots straight on a number of topics. Check back during the week for the announcement of this week’s RFI guest. Also, you can discuss the Raw Insanity, Radio Free Insanity, or anything else you read here on the site with me and the other readers over at our free Insanity Forums.

Until next time, be well and thanks for sharing the Insanity!