THE WWE APPRENTICE

HOORAH OR NO DEAL

It's a new take on a new favorite. You don't need Howie Mandel when you have Mike the Miz. It's his show and his rules! Hoorah!

Mike The Miz: Welcome to the show, Bill. You ready to play? Hoorah?

Bill: Sure.

Mike: Hoorah?

Bill: Yeah. Sure.

Mike: Hoooorah?

Bill: Uh, hoorah.

Mike: Great. That's what I'm talking about, baby. Now we all know that the sexiest women in the world are...the sexiest women on television are on NBC. And tonight, we're gonna search for the next winner of "Hoorah or No Deal." Now to open the cases held by each of these young ladies, you have to choose...go to. to the, eh, hahahah...go to, uh, go to, uh, NBC...dial 86946 and choose for your, uh, favorite briefcase, and text message your favorite briefcase girl. To her name.

Bill: What?

Mike: Hoorah!

Bill: What are you reading on the back of your hand?

Mike: That's time for use to go to commerc...uh. We'll be right back after a word from these messages on your local cable...for the, uh, advertising...don't flip channels cause, you can...HOORAH!

Commercial Break. Tell me, Timmy. Have you ever been in a Punjabi Prison?

Recap of Saturday Night's Main Event: In case you weren't one of the 19 people who watched the show, Carlito and Trish beat Melina and Nitro.

In another Youtube moment, Todd Grisham is center ring and he's taking over announcing duties for Lillian Garcia this week. Right out of the gate, he screws up and says that the match is a #1 Contender's Match for the Cruiserweight Championship.

Jim Ross exclaims 'Cruiserweight?' In turn, Jerry Lawler laughs out loud. I did too. J.R. corrects the error and lets us all know that the contest is a #1 Contender match for the Intercontinental Title. (JG Note: I would have loved it if Ross just went, 'Ha ha ha. What the f**k is a Cruiserweight Title? Ha ha ha.") Jerry chimes in and says that Grisham has 'slight brain damage.' Ouch.

1) #1 Contender For Intercontinental Title: Carlito Cool pinned Shelton Benjamin

Just as the match is about to start, The King calls Carlito 'cool.' Ross replies, 'God knows that it's all about being cool!' Nice. As for the match, it was so-so. Nothing special by any stretch, it seemed to echo many of Carly's previous encounters with Lost in the Shuffle Shelton. Coolio eventually gets the pinfall by rolling through a Benjamin pin attempt and hooking the ropes for leverage. Leverage'now that's cool.

According to Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler, John Cena is very upset over the out come of his match against Adam "Edge" Copeland this past Saturday. We watch a little movie to catch up on all the happenings between John and Edge. It was fun. I laughed. I cried. I grew. Anyway, John is in the house tonight and he's going to go one on one with Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuumaga. It's the battle of the thumbs'.tonight!

Commercial Break. Dish Network's slogan is 'Pick Your Package.' Yup. 'Pick Your Package.' That's what they went with.

Carlito runs into Trish backstage. They hug and she walks off. As she does, Carl stares and says 'That's cool.' He wants to give her the old Afro-Sheen, if you get my meaning. Giggidy.

On this day in history, Wendy Richter defeated The Fabulous Moolah for the WWE Women's Title. My wife looked up at the TV and asked, 'People cared about women's matches then?'

2) Special Referee Candice Michele: Trish Stratus and Torrie Wilson defeated Victoria and Mickie James when Trish pinned Torrie.

Jerry Lawler says that he's going to ask Trish Stratus to see Clerks 2 with him. I'm sure she'll accept, Jerry. A little ether on a rag and they all accept. In a great line, Ross calls Mickie James a 'Nancy Grace on a double latte.'  Nice.  Basically, this match was filler. The whole back-story on Mickie has been dropped ever since Beth Phoenix busted her face which is a real shame.  It seemed to have some momentum for a while. Dissension was teased between Candice Michele and Victoria, but eventually turned into a full scale attack. After tossing James from the ring, Candy got in Vicki's face. Her attention diverted, Toria was caught in the Stratusfaction and pinned by Trish. You know what it's time to do now, don't ya? Oh. It's time to rock and roll. This time she's in control'.Oh!

Backstage, Maria is stunned stupi'er, uh, just stunned. She's standing by with Umaga and Armando Alejandro Estrada. Do you think this will be a tough battle tonight, Mando? Is this Umaga's toughest match in his short career? Estrada asks Mary to direct the question the Samoan Bulldozer himself. Although frightened, she does. He just stares at her. Just as she's about to scream, AAE takes back the microphone and completes the promo. Maga, maga, maga'Oooooooooooomaga!

Commercial Break. The Big Head Gatorade commercial scares the hell out of me. It's just disturbing. Why the hell would that make me want to drink Gatorade? It makes me want to hide under a blanket, scared to death that a mini person with a huge head will eat me.

Bang, bang, and good day to you all. Mick Foley is in Stamford and he's filming this promo from Titan Tower. Clad in the shirt that he wore on the Today Show, Foley drops Katie Couric's name and gets in the obligatory Melina reference. Now did Slick Mick overhear Ric Flair talk smack about their 2 out of 3 falls match? Well, newsflash Grandpa Munster, Mankind intended to beat you bloody in that match! He wanted to do it! So, let's make something crystal friggin' clear. There will be NO rematch. None. Nada! Nevernevanen! Neverrino!

Lawler and Ross both share some sadness over the injuries suffered by Lillian Garcia last week. Diamond Lil was beaten down by both Charlie Haas and Viscera. Why? Apparently she didn't want to knock boots with either one of them. All she wanted to do was be 'friends.' Ouch. The King seems to think that Garcia was asking for the beating. After all, what guy wants to just be friends with a girl? Hey, baby. If I wanted a friend, I'd go to Summer Camp. Booyah!

In her second crappy interview assignement in a row, Maria's stuck in the interview area with Charlie and Vis. The Headbanded Pajama Rapists surround the cowering announcer and refuse to answer any questions. Instead they just breathe heavily and stare at her as if she was a giant chicken wing. They should have had the interview end with Viscera shaking salt on her. That would have been perfect.

Recap of the Diva Search Boot Camp on Smackdown. It was a lot of fun.

3) The Highlanders defeated Steele and Simpson via pinfall after the Scot Drop

'Steele and Simpson?' That's how they got introduced. Weird for a pair of prelims to get a pseudo tag name. I'm torn on the increased use of jobbers lately. On one hand, it saves the credibility of a low midcarder. On the other, the guys are usually so bland that it's meaningless. Ross tries to justify their position by saying that this was an excellent chance for Russell Simpson and Jared Steele to make an impression. Nice try, Jimbo. They showed that they could fall down. In the end, Bushwhackers 2000 scored a pinfall following the Slop Samoan Dudley Death Scot Drop. Whoaaaa! Yeah!!! Cousin Robbie! Mother is gonna want some sardines! Yeahhhhhh!

Following the bell, The Highlanders took to the house mic and challenged The Spirit Squad for the World Tag Team Titles. I'm instantly impressed by Robbie and Rory McAllister. They seem to be the only people on the show who remember that there's tag team titles. The speech closed out on a low point. They made a joke about how they wear undies under their kilts, but the Spirit Squad doesn't. Not a good joke by any stretch. The bigger problem? No one seemed to understand what they was saying. Jerry Lawler had to translate.  If people did understand, then they didn't seem to care much.

Commercial Break. The new Axe Bodyspray is called 'Clix.' It sounds like a venereal disease.

The Highlanders are backstage when they run into Triple H and Shawn Michaels. DX welcomes them to the U.S. and gives some Grade A advice to the newbies. Go introduce yourself to Mr. McMahon. His office is at the end of the hall. He likes when you go right into his office and eat his food. Remember, though. He's hard of hearing in his left ear. So scream in his ear. Yeah. That's the ticket. Also'he loves it when you pat his butt. Go give him some love. He'll love ya for it.  The McAllistars run off to annoy the chairman.  The DeGenerates have sent them to play a fun prank!  Oooo!  Hee-hee!  Oh those rascally rascals.

Matt Striker is standing in the ring with a blackboard. He informs us that he's our teacher. (JG Note: Glad you showed up to work today, sir.) Mr. Striker has a simple formula on the board today. It's this:

Edge > Cena

Who can tell us what that means? Anyone? Anyone? Matt figures he might not get an answer considering that he's in Texas. After the obligatory boos, he introduces his 'guest,' John Cena. When did this become a talk show segment?

Hey man, who you get for Sequential Match?

Mr. Janotti. Who'd you get for English 2?

John Cena arrives and he's immediately confronted by Captain Sick Day. Striker points to his math equation, but is stopped short by Dr. Thuggypants. He calls Matt a 'stupid bastard.' This equation doesn't mean that Edge is greater than Cena. It means that John put him through a table at Saturday Night's Main Event! He snapped! He was out for blood! That means that tonight The C-Man has got to 'kick somebody's ass.' This sent Matty running and cued the Donkey Konga Drum Music. 

Knock, knock. 

Who's there?

Oooooooooo!

Ooooo who?

Ooooooooooo MAGA!

Alongside Armando Alejandro Estrada, Umaga is here and he's on the warpath! Before the bell could ring or a ref could arrive, the two went at it. J.C. seems to have the upper hand for most of the brawl until the tide turned. In a nice looking spot that'll fit great in recap packages, Maga reared back and threw John head-on into the blackboard, shattering it. It looked good. Once he went through, the bell rang to signify the start of the match.

4) Umaga pinned John Cena after the Samoan Spike

The refs cleared the ring of blackboard residue while Umaga tried to use the broken pieces as weapons. On a whole, this was a really good match. I liked the way it played out. I liked how Cena worked his spots in without seeming too forced. In many ways, this is the perfect feud for a guy like John. He's got Hulk Hogan tendencies in that he can work against a big man and make it exciting. Put him in there with someone who can wrestle and he visibly seems to be in over his head. You don't have to be a great technical whiz to get a match over. You just need to work the emotions of fans. No matter how you do it, that's the important thing. In Johnny's case, he can. He just needs to be put in the best possible light. I thought he did well in taking out Jamal in a believable manner and even seemed to have the match won at one point with the STFU. In the end, it was interference from WWE Champion Edge that sealed Xena's fate. He interjected himself and allowed the Three Minute Man to hit the Magic Thumbprint and score himself an upset victory. Come, Son of Jorel! Kneel before Umaga!

You can't describe this as anything short of a major deal. John Cena just did a job for Umaga on Raw. That's pretty huge. It raises him up in the eyes of many and adds another major player to the top of the show. Now this would have been the perfect way to end Raw. But no. Instead, it's smack dab in the middle and a lead in for'

The Highlanders eating snacks in Vince McMahon's leather couch room. Vince eventually enters and he's angry. Why are you here? Why are you eating his food? To this, they reply with a shout to Mac's right ear. Irate, VKM makes them vacate his office. They do, but not before stopping to pat the chairman on his butt. There's so many bizarre sexual undertones on this show that it's tough to keep up with all of them.

Commercial Break. Skittles. Kill The Rainbow. Cut the Rainbow. Wear the Rainbow's flesh as your skin! Muwahahahaha!

After Saturday Night's Main Event

But daddy! Randy's a nice boy!

Listen, Brooke. I told you three things, didn't I? First, you don't date older boys without me saying it's OK and putting it on TV. Second, you don't talk to guys named 'Randy.' Third, you don't trust Randy Orton.

But daddy, he was nice! I'm not listening to you! Give me my purse. I need my cell phone. I'm calling Nick to tell him what a jerk you are.

Fine. Here.

Thank you'I'AHHHH! Oh my God! Why would someone do that in my purse?!

Still think he's a nice boy, Brooke?

4) Randy Orton pinned Eugene after an R.K.O.

Lawler justifies Randy's attack on Hulk Hogan at Saturday Night's Main Event. Who cares if Hulk's a protective dad?  Randall is allowed to kick it to any honeys he sees fit. J.R. doesn't agree though. He says that 'wherever you go, Hulkamania is still alive.' (JG Note: He makes it sound like a threat. Kinda like you can't escape it. It's like the communism scare of the 1950s. Bring us all your Hulkamaniacs. We'll prosecute them. Name names!) In the end, it was Eugene's jovial nature that scored him a loss. He jumped up and down clapping, buit found himself blindsided by an R.K.O. Slam, bam, thank you, ma'am.

Following the official word, Randall has a word of his own. He thinks that Brooke Hogan is one purty girl. Randy doesn't want Brooke to take his attack on Hulk personally. After all, he'd still like to hit that to be friends with her. He digs her and fully intends on getting her CD when it comes out. (JG Note: Because he's a 14 year old girl.) Her song, 'What About Us' is one of his favorite hits. However, this is his favorite hit.

Video of Randy Orton RKOing Hulk Hogan onto the trunk of a car. You know what? I'm actually looking forward to this match and I'm not even sure why.

Ross and Lawler are stoked at ringside.  We're just moments away from a personal showdown between the Boy Toy and The Boy Wonder. In the Toy's corner will be the Game. In the Wonder's corner will be Vinnie Creepy of Greenwich.

Commercial Break. Final Destination 3 is coming to DVD. Some might remember Final Destination 2. Well, turns out, it wasn't the actual final destination. Sorry. Our bad.

Mick Foley is here once again. This time he wants to congratulate Melina on her match last Monday. Splendid. From there, he goes on another anti-Ric Flair tirade. He berates the Nature Boy and breaks, once again, into song. The gist? Ric gets no rematch and he's out of Mick's life. Have a nice Melina! Bang! Bang!

Hi. My name is Ric Flair and I'm here to talk to you today about Murray's Head Bandages. Whenever I get my head busted open, nothing gets me back on my feet quicker than Murray's Head Bandages. Whether crimson mask or just plain busted open, there's no job too tough for Murray's. But hey, don't take my word for it. Here's my friend, Abdullah the Butcher with more'

Ric Flair is nursing a wounded head and has some choice words for Mick Foley. He calls him 'fat boy' and questions his decision to not attend Raw. Foley! Foley! The Nature Boy is gonna'

Hey Vince, we're here to talk to you about Johnny Nitro.

Sure. What about him?

Well, my name is Bobby Turbo. These are our friends Tommy Electro and Ronny Roboto. We were hoping you could help us talk Johnny into quitting wrestling and rejoining our group of ninja superheroes. We really miss him.

Johnny Nitro is here with Melina and he has some words for Slick Ric. Foley doesn't want to fight you, old man. Don't you get the picture? Huh? No go, Naitch! To clarify matters, Mel steps in and gives Flair a high pitched 'Whooo.' Before he knows what happened, Flair gets knocked silly with an unexpected Nitro right hand.

The two brawl for a moment before Ric gets the upper hand and ejects the youngster from the ring. As the evil duo depart the ring, Flair tells them to let Mick know that this thing ain't over. Whoooo!

Commercial Break.  I miss The Joe Schmo Show.

Aw crap. Mike the Miz is here. Just pretend that you don't see him. Maybe he'll leave.

He still there?

Hoorah.

Damn. Whatever, this seems like it might not be painful. No contest tonight. Just results. All the ladies step onto the stage and one is sent packing. Who is it'?

AMY! Who? Amy. Oh. Amy gets eliminated and Miz tries to pseudo-interview her. He tells the evicted houseguest that 'this is still your dream' and not to give up. It's kind of funny considering that unless he's talking about being on TV, then this is probably not her dream. It's just a better gig than doing boat shows or bachelor parties. Anyway, the Cast-off Amy responds to her loss like a true sport. She reaches into her pockets, pulls out a handful of thongs, and starts throwing them into the crowd. People were booing. The Mizerable moved on.

The girls gather 'round Ol' Amy on her way out and pretend to care. They fake hug her and think evil catty girl thoughts. Once that unpleasantness is over, Hoorah Boy informs us that the next Diva contest will be a Dance-Off on Smackdown. He lets us know how we can vote for each girl by delivering instructions that he's probably repeated in his head over and over for a week. Tune into Smackdown'.Hoorah!

So the Diva Contests are on Smackdown now. Nice. I feel like I just got paroled.

Meanwhile back in Leather Couch Land, Vince McMahon is gassing up his son Shane in preparation for his big match. Let's go out there and take out DX, kiddo! Shane-o says no problemo, but stops his dad suddenly. Turn around, Papa Bear. You have a sign on your back. With that, he removes a hand draw sign that has a picture of chicken and says 'I love cocks.' When an angered Vince leaves the room, Little Mac turns to reveal that he has a sign on his back as well. His says, 'Me too.' (JG Note: It's the same thing every week. I feel like no one in WWE knew that cock was another word for chicken until a month ago. It's like right before the DX thing started, someone came into the office and was like, 'Yo! Everyone! Cock means chicken!' The rest, as they say, is history.)

Commercial Break. John Tucker Must Die. Simple message, really. I went to High School with a kid named John Tucker. Don't worry, movie makers. I will carry out your plan. Let me just go get my bazooka.

5) Shawn Michaels defeated Shane McMahon via disqualification

You know what's really tough to deal with? The DX thing is lame. However, it's the top thing they have. It says a lot, you know? It seems so hollow on so many levels and goes against what the group was founded on. DeGeneration X isn't supposed to be forced. It's supposed to be natural. It hasn't felt natural this time around. It's been very forced. Anyway, The McMahons are standing tall against Chill Town and made sure to use every trick in the book here. Constant interference by Daddy Mac gave his son Shane a chance to gain the upper hand and even land a flying elbow. However, the tables turned and HBK ended up on top of the action. With a strangely quiet hometown crowd, Shawn eventually landed a flying elbow of his own. The audience started to finally wake up, but it was all for naught. Vince grabbed The Boy Toy's ankle, Hunter chased him away, and the Spirit Squad came popping out'from under the ring! Ah! It's the equivalent of a sneak attack in a thumb wrestling match. No sneak attacks! No sneak attacks!

The bell sounds and the real pain begins. The Cheerboys lift up Michaels in their patented five-man Beach Towel Plop. However, instead of falling on his back, Shawn shifted his balance and landed on his feet. With Hunter knocked silly outside the ring, HBK was left alone to battle seven men alone. Just when all seems darkest'

Triple H rises from the ashes! All hail The King of Kings! Hunter grabs his trusty sledgehammer, scares away his foes, and poses in the ring. I feel like every edition of Raw ends the same way now. The McMahons scurry'again, as we fade to black.

All in all...The show wasn't all that good. It wasn't all that bad either though. It was just sort of there. They had one real major moment, but it was stuck smack dab in the middle of the night.

For starters, I can't imagine who decided to lay out the two main events this way. They have this really big upset of Umaga over John Cena and then they have the same DX runs off the McMahons thing they do every week. Which should close the show? Hmmm. That's a head scratcher.

Tonight was a night that could have really gotten over Umaga big time. Tainted or not, it's a victory for the 'untested' Maga over debatably the top baby face on Raw. Why wedge it in the middle of the show? The image of Cena rolling around in pain while the Samoan Bulldozer stood tall would have been the image of a new WWE. It would have seemed fresher and newer. It would have been a good step in the right direction.

Instead the show closed with DeGeneration X, a gimmick from a decade ago being played by men who are now a decade older. It was the same tired act and the same tired jokes. There was nothing new, fresh, or Earth-shattering that necessitated this match to be the show-closer. There was no swerve.  There was no pay-per-view to sell.  There were no major moments and it seemed like the way Raw always ends. Ho-hum.

I still have no idea why they do the Diva Search. I know that there's a million reasons given for why they do it, but I still don't get it. There's absolutely nothing positive about it. I take that back. There is one positive thing about it. The events are now on Smackdown, which means they're ZAH's problem now. It was fun while it lasted, Divas. We had good times together. Remember when you girls taught me how to make an ice cream sundae? How about the fine points of dodge ball? Oooo, what about the c** sucking gutter s**t game? Ah. That was fun. Good times. Good times.

Mick Foley's speeches are annoying, but that's the idea. I still think this feud would work better with Flair as the heel, but it is what it is. For what it is, WWE's made the most out of it. Adding Nitro to the mix is a good sign for Johnny, but a bad sign for Shelton Benjamin. Now that Carlito is the '#1 Contender,' something tells me that Benji should go and cry for his mama. At this point, it's the only thing creative can think to do with him. It's such a waste of talent, especially when you consider that his long-time and successful tag partner Charlie Haas is tagging with someone else on the same show. Why not just reunite them rather than let Haas team with Viscera of all people?

That's it for this week, guys. Be sure to give a listen to this week's edition of JG's Radio Free Insanity with the former Super Hero In Training Rosey. He talks about teaming with Hurricane, Umaga, Three Minute Warning, and so much more. Check back to the site during the week for details on this week's guest.

Be Well and thanks for sharing the Insanity!