Hola, Muchachos! John Coachman looks rather shiny backstage and has some credit to take. Last night's Great American Bash was a Great American Success and we can thank John John for that. The "plethora" of Raw matches rocked the show and the rocking continues on tonight. For the first time ever, it's a "Champion's Only" match. It'll be Intercontinental Champion Umaga teaming with Tag Champs Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch against WWE Champion John Cena and Women's Champion Candice Michele. Crazy? You damn right. That's not all, though. Johnny C will be watching all the matches tonight and when all is said and done, a new #1 contender for Cena's belt at Summerslam will be named. Coach will make that decision tonight! That's right. Everyone's being judged! Enjoy the show, beeotches! Roll that funky theme music!

Raw Theme Plays.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcome ya'll to the program. Raw is on the air and ready to rock your world. We not only have the Match of Champions, but we have Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton. Hold on to your hats, kiddies!

In the ring, a table is set. Half of it is draped in an elegant red tablecloth  and features a platter of delicious fruits, a chalice, and a throne. The other half is without a covering and has nothing more than a folding chair, mug, and donut-looking thing. It appears to be a meal fit for a King...and a peasant. Who's the King? You guessed it.

King Booker! The Harlem Heating King brings his royal self to the ring and has his elegant Queen Sharmelle by his side. After the battle he had with Jerry Lawler last week, the King seems to have some issues that need to be ironed out. He sits in his throne, crosses his legs, and addressed "Jerome, Jerome, Jerome." He tells "Jerome" that "it appears we got off to the wrong foot last week." (JG Note: Got off to the wrong foot?) Now, King Jerome, as civilized gentlemen, there's no reason we can't settle this. Come into the ring and take a seat. I'm sure a compromise can be reached.

Lawler removes his headset and stood up. Clad in another one of his gold and black King Lawler shirts, Jerry walks in and takes a seat on the poor side of the table. It isn't until he tries to speak into his microphone, that he sees just how ghetto his side truly is. The mic doesn't even work! Obviously an attempt to embarrass the Memphis Majesty, the technical glitch allows King Bookah to list the reasons he should be King.

Reason #1...and ONLY REASON...He won the King of the Ring!  Bam! That's it. He won it, punko! You didn't. That's why Book is a King. He earned it. You know who didn't earn it? The Sacramento Kings. They didn't earn it either! K.B. goes on to get the local heat by critiquing the Kings and their usage of the royal name. Is Ron Artest a King? No! Is Jerry Lawler a King? NO! Is Larry a King? Well...yeah. But that doesn't count. You get the picture. Stop faking it, Jerome. You don't deserve to be called anything but...peasant.

King Jerry of Memphis takes the barrage and tries to respond, but Sharmelle interrupts him with an "All Hail King Booker!" Lawler grins and then turns to the angry crowd.  They all seem to agree that Book "sucks" and lets him know in the form of chanting.  Lawler remarks that by the sound of the crowd, Bookeyman, you're not viewed as a true king. If that's the case, then you're really not a King. In fact, rom the sound of these people, you're a "pompous, idiotic, self-delusional, royal pain in the arse!"

Growling, Booker T confronts Jerry Lawler eye-to-eye. Going full-on into Shonuff mode, Book drops the accent and tells the Sucka to say that mess to his face. Bring it, King. Bring that noise. Tell it to King Bookah's royal mug!

Jerome ponders the challenge, but responds that he has a better idea. That idea is located on his fist. BAM! He slams it into T's mouth and sends both he and the Queen flying from the ring. Once Booker lands, Jerry leans over and tosses the tray of fruit down on top of him. J.R.'s partner stands tall, content with the damage he has done.  (JG Note: Jerry Lawler was allowed to fight on tonight's show because Hulk Hogan wasn't booked on it.)

Backstage, Beth Phoenix and Melina are walking to the ring. Like implants? Stick around. We have a Diva Tag match next!

Commercial Break.

1. Maria and Mickie James defeated Melina and Beth Phoenix when Maria pinned Beth.

Before the match, Jim Ross tells Jerry that he probably sent Booker to "the royal dentist." He doesn't mention Kane by name. Also, Santino Marella accompanied Maria to ringside and then did commentary for the match. Glad he traveled all the way to the U.S. for a career of managing a female wrestler/interviewer. His main goal here was simple tonight. He was here to speak in a broken accent and drool over Maria. It was kind of creepy at times. Before long it became obvious that he had that fiery Italian temper. When his bella ragazza took too many cheap shots from the cheating heels, he grew irate. After screaming about the illegal actions, Santino finally took matters into his own hands. He sprung from the ring, tripped Mel and Beth, and allowed his lady to get the pinfall. After the bell, the Milan Miracle mauls his ladyfriend...but in an adoring way. In other words, Marella's entire gimmick is pretty much what Vince McMahon sees when he closes his eyes and thinks "Italian."

Still to come: The Match of Champions. I feel like I've seen the "Match of Champions" 50 times in the last three months. It's the new cool thing. Everyone's booking a "Match of Champions"... and every time it means something different. Quit messing with my head, guys!

Retro-Commercial Break.

Cody Rhodes likes to talk to older men. They smell like old spice. Tonight, his man of choice is Gerald Brisco. Jerry is giving him advice when they're both suddenly interrupted by Randy Orton. Orton informs Cody that he could have kicked his dad's head in last night if he so chose. He didn't though...out of compassion. Rhodes robotically responds that Randy didn't kick "my father, Dusty Rhodes" in the head out of nothing but fear. Oh snap. Snap. Randall tells the rookie that it had nothing to do with fear. He just wanted to leave the Goldbrother with a little bit of dignity and not smash his pops into Rhodesdust. C.R. balks at this statement and tells the Legend Hurter to meet him in the ring tonight. Then he walks away. Once he's gone, Ort mutters out loud that whatever happens tonight is completely's Cody's fault. Uh oh.

Suddenly, the camera cuts to a greasy Gene Snitsky in front of a blue background.

"My name is Snitsky. Does it make me a bad person that when I hurt people I feel no remorse? I broke someone's arm when I was just seven years old. I felt no regret. No remorse. It didn't bother me one bit. I can't tell you why. But they're pain is my pleasure. "
                                                 - Snitsky

No mention of baby-punting.  Snitsky turns his head and reveals his rotting teeth, greasy skin, and many new pimples.  I felt like I was gonna throw up...which I think was the point.

Todd Grisham is giddy as a kid in a toy store. Why? He's going to get to talk to John Cena! Yay! Hey Johnny, how does it feel to team with Candice Michele tonight?  To answer, Cena has Grish close his eyes and then leads him to a visual description. He basically talks dirty to Todd and creates a big sex scene with Candice that seems to bring Grishy to the point of...well, you know.  But, just to be a meanie, The Marine pulls out at the last minute. He angers the interviewer by telling him to throw Umaga, Cade, and Murdoch into that picture. Upset over the WWE Champion not finishing what he started, Grisham still continues the interview. J.C. finishes out his promo, does his usual shtick, and then takes off. Yeah.  Uh, I don't know what type of weirdo interaction I just witnessed between these guys, but between Snitsky's promo and this, I'm definitely gonna throw up.

Commercial Break

2. Carlito and William Regal defeated Sandman and Hacksaw Jim Duggan when Carlito pinned Duggan.

OK. Stop. Just stop. What bad acid trip are we all having when Sandman is teaming with Hacksaw Jim Duggan? Honest to God. What the frig? Here's the Hardcore Icon with his cigarette and barbed wire crucifixions teaming with the guy who screams "Hooooo!" It's nuts. Wow. Anyway...on a side note, I'm surprised they don't use Sandman as a heel. Sure, he's more on the level of a "legend" in WWE's sense of the word and those are usually treated as baby faces. In Sand's case, I'd think he could draw some real heat. With some of WWE's shiny happy good guys on the roster, Sandy could get some boos by kicking their skulls across the ring and washing it down with a beer. Right now, he's being used the best that can be hoped for. In a feud with Carlito, the Singapore Caner is able to help a young star re-establish himself as a solid heel. The good news tonight? With a tag partner to do the job, our ECW Original didn't have to take a three count. Duggan took the Backstabber and then the pinfall. Ding, Ding, Ding. I spit in the face of people who hold up their wood for hoes.

You know what I mean.

Still to come: Jeff Hardy vs. Ken Kennedy.

Commercial Break .

Even though Carlito wrestled most of the last match, he's completely dry while William Regal is dripping in sweat. Carl tells Willie that if Coachman wants to have a number one contender, he needs only look in the direction of Mr. Cool. On that note, he takes a bite of his apple and, for some reason, can't swallow it. Not sure if it's a medical thing or what. Maybe it was contaminated. Anyway, Carly looks around for a place to spit and finally chooses to turn his head and shoot into the open air...

...open air that Bobby Lashley just happened to be standing in. Aw crap.

Lashley wiped the applesauce from his Blue Man Group-looking head and eyes the Cabana-owner with evil intent. Sideshow Carl noticed it too. He hightailed it to the ring.

What?  Seriously. He ran to the ring. Not a great place to rung if a wrestler is trying to kill you, right?  Personally, I'd have run out of the arena. Maybe I would have climbed something tall like a tree or telephone pple and then taken off my boots so I could then throw them down on his head when he came close. But, that's just me. Anyway, Coolio hit the ring and offered his heartfelt apology. He tells Bob that if he accepts, then he should stay backstage and not say anything. We wait a moment and...

...wouldn't ya know it? Bobbo shows up. Lashley runs to the ring and Carlito goes on the attack. He hits some punches and kicks, but ultimately finds himself flattened by a power slam. Good job, Carlo. That'll teach you to buy your apples at the gas station.

Still to come: Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton. Jim Ross calls him "Cody Runnells." I laugh. Luckily, J.R. doesn't accidentally refer to Randy by his real name - Jo Jo Tacolicious.

Commercial Break.

Last night, Randy Orton's quest to end the legend of Dusty Rhodes was somewhat accomplished. He defeated the Santa Claus-looking Hall of Famer but stopped short of kicking his skull in.  What a guy.

3. Randy Orton pinned Cody Rhodes after the RKO

The premise here seemed to be that Cody Rhodes was a bit too eager tonight. Tonight's match was apparently his idea. The announcers explain that Rhodes may have bitten off more than he can chew, if you will. In his second match, Code can't expect to get much done against a former Champion like Orton. Could he? Not really. Aside from a few momentum shifts, Randy beat the Runnels out of his inexperienced opponent. He even broke out the "Orton Stomp." (JG Note: Why they don't bring in Ronnie Garvin just once is beyond me. I mean, Orton's a "Legend Killer" who took Ronnie's move. Mind you - this is a move that I never thought anyone would want take. I mean...the Garvin Stomp? He should start doing that Sgt. Slaughter 1990 noogie thing too while he's at it.) During the beating, we all witnessed "the guts of this kid" as he did all the trademark underdog spots. Rhodes used the ropes to stand up. He did quick rollups and near falls. He kicked out at the last nanosecond. But in the end, the youngster made a youngster mistake. Rhodes climbed the turnbuckles and leapt off. Orton moved and hit his RKO to put the kid down for the count.

After the bell, Randy Orton stalked his fallen opponent and looked ready to attack yet again until Cody's dad, Dusty Rhodes, came to save him. Yeah. That's not embarrassing or anything. After Big Ol' Papa Bear chased the mean old Wegend Killer from the wing, he went to check on his son's condition.  He should have waited just a moment more.

Without warning, Randy returned to the ring...got a running start...and awkwardly clipped Dusty in the head with his foot. It looked pretty lame.

...But the announcers sold it as if Randy had just stabbed him. So...you know, just go with it.

Officials came out to check on the son of a plumber's head while the son of an Ace Cowboy headed back to the dressing room. Man.  Don't be upset, Cody.  Look at the bright side. If this injury causes your dad to slur his speech, no one will notice. I can barely understand him anyway. Sometimes I think he's speaking French. 

Commercial Break.

Before the break, Randy Orton kicked Dusty Rhodes' head off.  Kick.  Pop. It made Cody upset. The announcers can understand why considering that, you know, it was his fault and everything. He asked for the match. Good job, Cody. Two matches into your career and you already managed to give your dad brain damage.

Hi Ken, are you all set for your interview today? Is there anything that we here at Fox News can do to make you more comfortable?

Uh...yeah. Actually, you could. I, uh, I know this is a bit weird, but can you get one of those microphones that lowers from the ceiling? I'd like to climb up on like a chair or something and then say my name once really loud and then once really slow and soft. Maybe, you know, just a microphone and a chair. If that's...you know, cool.

Yeah. OK. See, I meant more like a cup of coffee or something.

Oh. Sure. I'll take it with two Equals and some milk.

Actually, the pot's over there. The sweetener's over there. We only have Splenda and no milk. Enjoy your interview....weirdo.

4. Jeff Hardy defeated Ken Kennedy via countout.

The other day, I was watching some show - forget what - and there was a character who's last name was Kennedy. He was walking down the street and someone yelled out to him, "Mr. Kennedy!" Immediately, I went "Misterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Kennedy!" Thanks, WWE. Yet another weird thing I do because of wrestling. When the match hit a lull, the announcers talked about Crackhead Coachman's crazy-ass booking. What's with these matches? Cena and Candice as a tag team? What the hell? After some more back and forth, the match reached a true "Holy Sh*t" moment when Hardy slipped on the turnbuckle and landed on his head. He looked as though he broke his neck, but when Ken went for the sudden pinfall, he kicked out. Shocked, Kennedy was easy prey for some more attacks. Despite nearly breaking his rainbow-head, Jeff seemed to have all the energy in the world. He brought the crowd to their feet and still hit aerial maneuvers despite his mishap. When Double K ran from the ring, The Hardy Boy bolted after him and ran the barricade. The two then brawled up to the entranceway and we all assumed we'd see a countout. So did Jeffery though. He dashed up the aisle and slid back into the ring, narrowly avoiding the ten count.  Kendall wasn't so lucky.  He lost.  Nice.  Mr. Kennedy has now been outsmarted on Raw by both Super Crazy and Jeff Hardy. Wow. For shame, Kenny. For shame.

Moments ago, Dusty Rhodes was placed into an ambulance and driven to St. Cecilia of Kayfabe Memorial Hospital.

Still to Come: CSC (Cowboy, Samoan, Cowboy) vs. The Candy Rappers (HA!)

Commercial Break. If your dog is talking to you, you're doing more than smoking weed.

Triple H is coming back. Just to remind you, WWE shows a ridiculous Six Million Dollar Man vignette. He's been rebuilt. Now he's like Vicki from Small Wonder. I wonder if that means he's gonna rust if he pours water on himself. Hmmm.  Only one way to find out.  Order Summerslam.

5. The World's Greatest Tag Team defeated Paul London and Brian Kendrick when Charlie Haas pinned London

This match says a lot about WWE right now. These are two truly talented tag teams. All four realize that tag wrestling is completely different than singles wrestling and show it each time out. They use double-team moves and quick tags to give it all continuity. That being said, they have no storyline or reason to be on the show other than to fill time. If Raw was one hour, we would never see these guys.  Never. It just is what it is. If the company was to seriously focus on building the tag team division so that it can sell tickets on its own, then these would be two top teams to give the reigns to. This one didn't last too long and came to a close when Charlie Haas hit Paul London with a German Suplex. The World's Greatest Tag Team wins another tag team match. Given their name, what else did you expect?

Commercial Break. Order the Great American Bash encore and see the match " everyone * is talking about" - John Cena vs. Lashley.

Welcome back from the break. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler * review the night's events thus far and review how Dusty Rhodes is now in the hospital. They also remind us that it's Cody Rhodes' fault. Good going, Code Red. You better send your dad some flowers and donuts in the hospital. After all, Randy said that this whole thing was your own fault.  What kind of jerk gets his dad kicked in the...

All hail King Booker! All hail King Booker! All hail King....HALT! The King hath arrived. His Spinaroony Majesty shows up with his Queen in tow and tells Jerry Lawler that the time for conflicting kingdoms has come to an end. Next week on Raw, we'll have ourselves a Royal Battle. King Booker vs. King Lawler! Lace up your Memphis boots, Grandmasta Dadday. See ya next Monday!

Backstage, John Coachman is adjusting to his newly found importance. How important? Todd Grisham is seeking him out for comments. Mr. McCoach, do you have a challenger for John Cena? Coach responds that he has. You'll get an answer, but first the challenger must be informed. As the G.M. walks away, the Women's Champion runs into the scene. Candice Michele begs Coachman to change his mind on tonight's tag match. Come on, dude! You can't put widdle Candy into a match with Umaga, Cade, and Murdoch! She'll get murderized! Johnny smiles and tells Michele that he's looking at her as a champion. Chin up, Go Daddy. You'll be just fine. In fact, you are fine, girl. Damn!

Umaga has some new friends and they're all heading to the ring. Candice is gonna get a Bulldozing...next!

Commercial Break. Gatorade - Is It In You?  If there ever was a slogan that was made to be matched with Richard Gere as a spokesman, this is it.

OK. Let me do try one, Trevor. Ready?

Ready. Go, Umaga.

OK. Ahem...If you have the word SAMOA written on your stomach...you might be a Samoan! HAHAHAHA!

That's good, man. I'm laughing. Can you let go of my face now?

6. John Cena and Candice Michele defeated Umaga, Lance Cade, and Trevor Murdoch.

This was a no-DQ match, which begs the question - Why bother tagging? Forget all that and turn off your head. The real question here was whether or not little Candice could get through things in one piece. She winced each time Cena took a beating from one of the bad guys. It seemed as though the petite women's champion was feeling each hit and waiting for it to be her turn. When it finally was, Cade and Murdoch held her down. They pulled her back into the turnbuckle and positioned her for Umaga's running butt bump. The crowd gasped. The announcers cried. The WWE Champion was nowhere to be found. However, the guy who wet himself over her at last night's pay-per-view was. Jeff Hardy ran to the ring and swung his steel chair with reckless abandon. He smashed Maga back to the locker room with it and left John alone in the ring with Cade. All it took was an F-U to put the whole thing to an end. Ring the bell, Dr. Thuggy rocks this party.

Following the official word, Randy Orton appeared out of thin air. Like Criss Angel, Orton materialized behind Cena and waited for him to turn around. When he did...

He kissed him.

Nah. I'm playing. He hit the RKO.

This sent John Coachman running out from the back to announce that it's offical!   The new #1 Contender...the man who will face John Cena at Summerslam...being rewarded for nearly killing a retired Hall of Famer...Randy Orton!

Hey. Nothing you can say as we fade to black.

All in all...Nothing special.

At first, I thought Jeff Hardy might be the #1 Contender for John Cena. When he ran out with the chair, I thought it was a big swerve and started to ponder the many ways in which this match would work. I thought of how surprising of a choice it would be and, given Jeff's reaction from the crowd, it would work.

Then it turned out to be Randy Orton. Oh well.

Orton vs. Cena was a big match years ago but they've done enough tag team and group matches to make it all seem old. Even without a singles title match between them, it feels like we've seen it already. Also, given the fact that Triple H is returning at Summerslam with unfinished Randy business, he could play a role in the outcome. Who knows?

It's not like Hunter doesn't have other people to deal with already too. King Booker is running his mouth about how The King of Kings isn't fit to be called such a name. Biblical reasons aside, Booker is calling out all fake Kings. The other one happens to be Jerry Lawler, whom he will face next week. Whatever. Lawler vs. Booker? I guess they had to do it given that they both have the King gimmick. That doesn't mean I'm jumping up and down at the thought of seeing it.

Dusty Rhodes has a headache. Sucks to be him. I'm intrigued to see how this will play out for Cody's future. Seeing as how Randy Orton is now in a the WWE Title picture, it looks like the attack tonight was done to alter Cody's character more than selling a Orton-Rhodes feud. It'll be interesting to see where they go from here.

I would give anything for the Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga feud to die already. The only good point is that it's not Santino Marella vs. Umaga. Speaking of Santino, his character is getting creepier by the week and I can't tell if it's on purpose or not. Sometimes I think it is. Sometimes I don't.

That does it for me, guys. Be sure to check out the all-new JG's Radio Free Insanity with WWE Hall of Famer Tito Santana. Tito's uncut ClubWWI.com interview lasted for 52 minutes and puts him alongside Kevin Nash, Eric Bischoff, Jerry Lawler, John Heidenreich, DDP, Rob Conway, Paul Bearer, Bobby Heenan, Ted DiBiase, Christian Cage, Samoa Joe, Sid Vicious, The Iron Sheik, Rhino, Earl Hebner, The Steiner Brothers, Nidia, Christy Hemme, Chris Daniels, AJ Styles, Vince Russo and many, many more. Head over to the main free page of ClubWWI.com  to see all the features that await.

Be sure to check back for an all new interview in the next few days. Be Well! Thanks for sharing my Insanity.