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JG's 7/26/04 Raw Insanity: Kamala Gets a Lap Dance
By James Guttman
(
JG Note: Kamala's thoughts on this episode of Raw can be found in
World Wrestling Insanity - The Book
)
Announcer: Stay tuned for the Democratic National Convention. Sponsored by World Wrestling Entertainment - Unbelievable, uncut, uncensored, get the f out, get it? Michael Cole: Welcome everyone! We are live here in Boston for the Democratic National Convention. I'm Michael Cole alongside the Coach, and Coach the damn building is damn full. There's so many damn people in this damn place, damnit! Coach: I hear you, Michael Cole. Let's bring out the stars of our show, John Kerry and John Edwards! Edwards and Kerry enter the stage Cole: Damn! Damnit! Coach: Welcome, guys. Before anything, there's something I've been dying to ask you, Mr. Edwards. I was hoping you could help me. John Edwards: Sure thing, Coach. Coach: OK. When I was a kid, I had a dog named Snickers and he died. I was hoping you could do that Crossing Over thing you do and tell him that I miss him. Edwards: Yeah, that's not me. That's John Edward that you're thinking of. Coach: Are you sure you're not getting like an "S" connection or something? Maybe a pet figure of some sort from the other side? Edwards: No. Cole: Let's bring out one of the World Wrestling Entertainment Superstars to endorse the candidates here tonight, damnit. Ladies and gentlemen…John Cena. John Cena: Yo, yo, yo. The Johns are up in here! I said that Johns are up in here! Yo, chill. We here in Boston! Everyone cheer for Boston! Yeah! Yo, yo, yo, chill. Listen here…give it up for Boston! Word life - Boston! Ok, chill, chill, chill. John and John are the only two candidates running this year. That George Bush, he looks like he's trying to make a poopie. (scrunching up his face and squatting) Ohhhh. Ooooo. I'm the president and I'm making poopies. Poopie president. Grrrr. Yo! Word Life! John Kerry: Oh my God. Tell me this isn't happening. Can we bring someone else out here? Cole: What's the magic word? Kerry: Uh….damnit? Cole: Bingo! Let's bring out Raw superstar Eugene! Eugene runs out on stage, banging his head while he yells Eugene: Kerry! Kerry! Eugene likes Kerry! Bushwhackers! Lick like Bushwhackers. Eugene puts Kerry in a headlock and begins to lick him Kerry: Holy crap, Nick, what the hell are you doing? I just met you ten minutes ago and you were completely normal. Eugene: (whispering) The cameras are on. I'm in character. Now hold still and let me lick you, ya dillweed. Eugene licks Kerry from ear to ear while Cena jumps around Cole: What a damn turn of events! Coach: (screaming) Snickers! Snickers! Can you hear me!? Snickers! Cole: I hope everyone's ready because our next guest is your damn Olympic hero… Coach: Oooo! Mary Lou Retton? Cole: No….Kurt Angle! Angle comes out draped in his Olympic Gold Kurt Angle: Well la-di-freakin'-da. You're John Kerry? I have one question for you, John. Where are your gold medals? Kerry: (irate) What the f…?! I wasn't told that we'd discuss that! I didn't throw them away! You hear me?! I didn't! Angle: What the hell are you talking about? I ask everyone that. It's part of my shtick. You threw away gold medals?
Kerry: I've had enough. I'm out of here. Teresa Kerry is in tears. She runs to her husband and breaks down Teresa Kerry: (sobbing) Oh John! It was horrible! Oh John! Kerry: Teresa, what happened? Teresa: He…he… Kane steps onto the stage Kane: Kane told ketchup lady that he would torment you unless she gave Kane sex. She has a week to make her decision. Cole: That's our Kane. Ha ha. Everyone laughs and enjoys some egg nog while we fade to black
A week later, Teresa told Kane to "shove it." That's that and this is this. This is Monday night and it's time to get to the bottom of some pressing issues. Does Randy Orton still have the desire to recapture the Intercontinental Title from Edge or has Bob's kid's mind shifted over to Hunter's old strap? Can La Resistance evade defeat another week and prance back to Quebec with the tag titles in hand? Will the one hour Iron Match between Triple H and Chris Benoit produce a clear cut victory and champion or will Eugene play a role in the outcome? Why not just line up all the Raw Diva Search contestants, let us pelt them with eggs and tomatoes, and crown the last one to cry as the winner? Seems easier than spending so much time on it. Either way, we have a show to watch. That show is on Spike Lee TV. The time is 9 o'clock. Lean back, take a load off, and, if you're reading this at the office on Tuesday, pretend like you're working. It's time for Raw! The Raw Ringrat Diva Search contestants are backstage. Coachman says that one will be eliminated. He walks up and down and Lawler says that he hopes it's not "Joy" or "Carmella." Who? I'm not kidding, I have no idea who these people are. Anyway, Johhny C. sends home Julie. The world stands still and children everywhere cry. The ramifications of such an epic decision will be echoed through time until the day that the Earth no longer spins. John then informs the remaining groupies that tonight one of them will have a chance to seduce a former WWE Superstar. (JG Note: Isn't that what they would tell the newly hired ring boys in the '80s?) Video package plays hyping Chris Benoit versus Triple H. Hunter does a voice over saying "You were a placeholder while I had other things to take care of." They should have followed it up with a voice over of Benoit saying "Yeah, I know." Raw Theme Plays. It makes my ears cry. The ring is full of Raw roster members and forgotten people from Heat. It only looks like there's more coming. First it's Edge, then Matt Hardy, then Chris Jericho, then Evolution. Wow. The only thing that this party needs is someone that crashed and burned in WCW. K. Allen Frye? Nope. Bill Watts? Ah ah. Jim Herd? Not even close. You know who it is… I bla-a-cked…out from Tequila… Fear not, wrestlers. Eric Bischoff is in the house and he has you all in there for a reason. You see, tonight Triple H meets Chris Benoit in a one-hour Iron Man Match. The winner of that match needs an opponent for Summerslam. What better way to figure one out than to have three or four top guys get into the ring with a dozen or so prelim guys and do a Battle Royal. Good luck to you all…well not you all. You think Bradshaw-Guerrero sounded unappealing? Try justifying a $35 bill to see Palumbo-Benoit. (1) Randy Orton won a 20 Man Battle Royal to challenge the World Champion at Summerslam Val Venis wrestles for Raw? Val Venis wrestles at all? Weird. This was a great way to start the show and a smart way to make fans care about both the Iron Man match and the eventual outcome. There were only two really glaring problems that this match presented. First, it always amazed me that a guy like Triple H or Kane has to fight his way through the main eventers and demand title shot after title shot, yet they'll give anyone on the payroll with a pulse a chance at headlining a major pay-per-view if there's a battle royal to fill. I would love to see the ring collapse accidentally and everyone fall to the floor except A-Train. That would take some imaginative back-pedaling. Also, this match gave you a chance to see how little WWE has done with their undercard in the last few months. Guys like A-Train and Palumbo have been all but forgotten. Rosey is now wearing a new goofy outfit and Hurricane is just floating. Steven Richards's brief stint as Victoria's savior in drag has apparently ended. Rodney Mack is back and no one seems to care. Beliedat. William Regal was the first one out, which put a question mark on the direction of his side feud with Evolution. To be tossed out before Tyson Tomko isn't a good sign. Kane tossed out Matt Hardy fairly early, but Version One returned for revenge. (JG Note: It was like that Royal Rumble when Jake Roberts ran in and tossed a snake at Andre. Actually, it wasn't exactly like that. For starters, Matt didn't have a snake and Andre didn't have forced sex with Cheryl Roberts.) The award for strangest elimination goes to Sylvan Grenier, who appeared to leap over the top rope from a standing position. Why? Who the hell knows. Lawler and Ross did a good job on commentary for this one, giving reasons why each man could theoretically win and pose a serious threat to the Champion. They spoke about Ric Flair's desire for one more run and built him as someone intent on winning the battle royal. Because of this, it meant more when Maven sent him over the ropes. Lawler then shocked the world by calling back history and talking about how Maven tossed the Undertaker out of the Royal Rumble a few years back. Wow. The final eight tossed around some finishers and got good reactions. As the numbers dwindled down, people betrayed one another. After tossing out Batista, Edge found his buddy Chris Jericho as his eliminator. The two had a brief stare down, teasing an Edge turn further and we ended up with Orton and Jericho in the ring as the final two. Randy tossed Y2J over the top rope and stood in the ring. Chris held the ropes, and rolled back in. Ort tried again and again it failed. He went to push his foe to the floor, but Chris grabbed his head and tried to force him over the top from the apron. He succeeded somewhat and both men ended up on the apron, nearly falling a number of times. Randall finally leapt back in to the ring, caught Fozzy between the ropes and RKOed him. Jericho tried to climb back in, but was kicked to the floor. J.R. asked "You know what this means? You know what this means?" Randy is going to Summerslam. Good match, good finish. All around solid opener and a good way to showcase the rest of your roster on a show with an Iron Man match. Wait…seriously, Val Venis is still wrestling? Order of Elimination 1. William Regal by Randy Orton and Dave Batista 2. Tyson Tomko by Edge and Chris Jericho 3. Chuck Palumbo by Edge and Chris Jericho 4. Val Venis by Kane 5. Matt Hardy by Kane 6. Hurricane by Rodney Mack and Steven Richards 7. Steven Richards by Rosey 8. Rodney Mack by Rosey 9. Rosey by Edge and Chris Jericho 10. Sylvan Grenier by Tajiri 11. Rob Conway by Tajiri 12. Tajiri by Kane 13. Ric Flair by Maven 14. Rhyno by Batista 15. Kane by Chris Jericho, Randy Orton, Edge, and Batista 16. Maven by Randy Orton 17. Batista by Edge and Chris Jericho 18. Edge by Chris Jericho 19. Chris Jericho by Randy Orton Winner: Randy Orton Backstage, Coach is surrounded by the Raw Diva People. Who will they seduce? Tune in…next! This is one of the dumbest reasons any show has ever given me to not tune away during the break. Commercial Break. Here's the deal. No dog thinks about your motor oil or how he owns your truck. All he's thinking about is dog food and peeing. That's it. Be honest. You barely think about your motor oil. OK, so check this out. The object of this little Diva skit is to seduce a former wrestler. Who you ask? Kamala. Yes - Kamala. I thought the whole Reverend Slick thing ruined him. Not even close. What the hell was this? Each woman walked up to this curtain and had 20 seconds to seduce Kamala, acting like a parody of himself. The Ugandan Giant I remember used to slap his stomach and groan as he beat his opponents. This time the Giant wasn't doing that. He was making weird noises and gyrating around, but in a weird way. He was going crazy like a Furby in the microwave. Even if this segment was forgivable at first, which it wasn't, it went on over and over with each women having 20 seconds with the convulsing Headhunter. Not only was Kamala acting like a fool, but every time the curtain would open, he would spring right into character. For some reason, when the curtain closed, the noises stopped immediately. Couple that with the fact that this skit wasn't scripted and that most of the girls either laughed or told him how hot he was, and you were left with a really long and crappy segment. (JG Note: This segment was bad, but yesterday I was going through old video tapes and found a WWF Superstars from 1990. On it - I kid you not - was a short pretaped video of Koko B. Ware singing "the Bird" while the Gobblygooker danced. The sad thing? I liked that segment better than this Kamala thing.) In case you missed Smackdown… Mr. McMahon has lost it! Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to say "In case you missed the last ten years…" Commercial Break. The Chris Benoit "Hard Knocks" DVD comes out tomorrow. The original title was going to be "Here Smarks, Now Quit Your Bitching," but it was too long to fit on the box. Ivory, Stacey Kiebler and Linda McMahon are at the Democratic National Convention. Seriously, they are. I didn't really listen. I was laughing because I kept picturing John Cena saying "Poopie President." The one part I did hear was Stacy saying that her demographic was concerned about the economy. When asked what she thought the word "economy" meant, Stacy said that they were small monsters that lived under your bed and ate your socks while you slept. The Coach introduces more girls in bikinis. Somewhere in America right now, there's a strip club DJ introducing wrestlers. This time we have phone numbers to call and vote for them. It's just like American Idol only without the talent and budget. Evolution is a mystery and their backstage being mysterious together. It's congrats all around for the Legend Killer Randy Orton. The O-Man took that Battle Royal like it was his and now goes on to face the World Champion at Summerslam. Way to go, Mr. RNN. Not everyone is stoked for young Randall's title match. Triple H steps in and looks dead-on at his little buddy. Before the Game can speak, Orton, assuming that Trips will win the World Title tonight, tells him that it will be an honor to step into the ring with him at Summerslam. He wishes the Cerebral Assassin luck, to which Helmsley reminds him… "Good luck, huh? That's the thing about me. I'm the Game, Jack. I don't need luck." - Triple H, 9:56pm (JG Note: Who needs luck when you have a ring?) The Gamy One gives a sneer and struts off. Orton is unfazed and still jumps up and down in support of Helmsley. Ric Flair and Batista have stunned looks, sensing the imminent danger but doing nothing about it. Sort of like WCW in it's last two years. Commercial Break. Buy Stacker 2 Ephedra Free! Sure thing! Afterwards I'll grab me a bottle of alcohol-free Vodka and a bunch of M&Ms without the chocolate inside. Thank you so much for coming down to the hospital today, Mr. Benoit. The patients will be so happy to meet a big wrestling star. Mr. Benoit, this is Billy. Billy lost use of his limbs in a car accident. Hello Billy. Nice to meet you. I'm the Crippler. What? Yes - I said the "Crippler." Why are you crying, Billy? It's World Title time. Get your comfy shoes on and lean back. You have been sentenced to an hour. One hour from bell to bell. Get in the zone. Thank you so much for coming down to the hospital today, Mr. Helmsley. The patients will be so happy to meet a big wrestling star. Mr. Helmsley, this is Billy. Billy lost use of his limbs in a car accident. Oh yeah? Then he shouldn't be able to kick out of… this! Quick Ric, I got him covered! Count three! Count three! (2) World Champion Chris Benoit defeated Triple H by a score of 4-3 in an Iron Man Match Before anything, I realize that Hunter was introduced first, but the intros worked better the other way around. OK. That's out of the way. You know, when I realized that the Democratic National Convention started airing at 10pm, I thought that it was sort of odd that this one hour match was scheduled to run opposite. When the key demographic, bored by the major stations airing the Convention, looked for something else to watch, they'd probably choose wrestling. Whoever occupied that block of time could seemingly take the credit for all those remotes that switched over. When I heard that the Iron Man match was moved to 9pm, I didn't believe it. I kept thinking that there was no way it would run at 9. I was convinced that this would be the match to run opposite the Convention start. So it was supposed to run at 9 but then… it didn't. Eh, it's just all that conspiracy talk again. Or is it? Hmmmm. Political talk, on a number of levels, aside, this match had a tough spot to fill. In that respect, you have to take your hat off to Chris Benoit and Triple H. You can accuse people of maneuvering themselves in top spots all day long, but maneuvering yourself into a match like this says a lot. It shows that both men are more than capable of taking a good amount of airtime and filling it with something entertaining, if given the right circumstances. In many ways it justifies both men's spots and shows why they deserve to be in the top. There have been others in the past that have been close to promoters and were pushed for it. Few of them would be willing to go an hour on live television without fear of failure to justify it though. This match, while not a legendary encounter, was wrestled well. The main drawback that this contest had was that it, like many past gimmick matches, had no reason for this gimmick. It wasn't as though Trips and Benoit had traded falls over and over in the past. A gimmick match needs a reason. Take a lumberjack match for example. Why do you have a lumberjack match? Because one guy keeps running the hell away. You have to get your friends to throw him back in. These two not only had little reason to choose this type of match, but their feud has all but died out. While you could consider this the blow-off to Hunter-Benoit, it feels like this conflict ended weeks ago. Now that the Game has segued over to Eugene Dinsmore, you look at this encounter for what it was - one-hour long buildup towards Summerslam. That's not to say it wasn't a good match. It's saying that the diminishing conflict between these two didn't do anything to help the aura of importance. That match itself was good though. Fall #1: Chris Benoit pinned Triple H with a Crippler Crossface roll through (B: 1 H: 0) Solid first fall occurring when Triple H went for a Pedigree, but was blocked. Benoit went for a Sharpshooter, but he too was thwarted. Trips popped up and ran it him. Chris grabbed him, hooked in the Crossface and pulled back for a submission. However, he pulled back even further, slid Helmsley over him and rolled up a pinfall. Flabbergasted, the Game left the ring and complained while we went to a commercial. Commercial Break. Bryce returns to Joe Schmo and finds out that they killed his frog this week. He then learns that Big Bossman cooked it and made into steak. Fall #2: Triple H pinned Chris Benoit after a Pedigree (B:1 H:1) Everytime the announcers say "this match will be one hour," they sound about as enthused as I feel. There's really nothing great about promising a match will be a certain length. It sounds almost bad when they see it as if to say "sorry folks, we're going an hour here." "Sixty minutes" sounds better than "an hour." I don't know. Forget the small stuff. The second fall came to pass when H sent Benoit flying face first into the turnbuckles ala Bret Hart. With the Crippler down and out, Hunter nailed him with a Pedigree and scored the pinfall. Fall #3: Triple H defeated Chris Benoit via Countout (B: 1 H:2) Immediately following fall 2, Trips tossed Benoit to the outside and wouldn't let him reenter the ring. To insure victory, H Cubed set up the ring steps and gave him a fall forward suplex on top of them. He didn't get disqualified because…well, he just didn't. Stop asking questions. You're ruining the fun. Ten seconds later, the H-Man is up by one. Commercial Break. Hellboy is out on DVD. That's not to be confused with "Hellgirl," the pet names for most my ex-girlfriends. Fall #4: Triple H pinned Chris Benoit after a Spine buster (B: 1 H: 3) The third fall came about from nowhere. Chris went to whip Hunter in to the ropes, but was reversed. Triple caught him reeling from and slammed him down with a sick Spinebuster. Three seconds later and he was up three falls to one. This set up was actually done pretty well. We wondered if Benoit had it him. Ross wondered "will Benoit be back?" Hopefully we will. There's another commercial coming your way. Commercial Break. Woman's Entertainment channel ran an ad for something called "She-TV." Wow. Way to research the show's demo before buying ad space, W.E. It's like seeing an ad for UFC during Oprah. Fall #4: Chris Benoit forced Triple H to submit to a Sharpshooter (B: 2 H: 3) This was a well done fall and served well to mix up the victories so far. Rather than trade off predictable pinfalls in succession, they set up an interesting flow of falls. There were pins and a countout, now it was time for a tap. It was Chris Benoit locking Triple H in a Sharpshooter and then dragging him into the center of the ring. The Evolutionary Leader attempted to escape, but could not. He tapped. Benoit gets a win, but is still down three to two. Following the fall, the timer shows on the screen and we see that there is 15 minutes left in the encounter. The announcers tease sudden death while Trips convalesces on the floor. The ref counts and he rolls in before the ten. The match goes on. Fall #5: Chris Benoit forced Triple H to submit to the Crippler Crossface (B: 3 H:3) It's another submission for the Cerebral Assassin. That's the weird thing about Triple H. While you can point to all the times that he crushed lesser talent, this match makes all that seem out of character. He actually tapped out twice during one match. This time it was the Canadian Crippler locking in the Crossface and scoring the win. We're tied, kids. Sudden death? Maybe. Just to keep things kosher, the Evolvers minus Randy Orton rush to ringside as backup for the Gameboy. Folks, doncha dare go away! Commercial Break. That girl who uses Clearasil Ultra really doesn't look all that different on day 3, does she? Is it just me? Fall #6: Chris Benoit pinned Triple H after interference by Eugene (B: 4 H: 3) Benoit was down and out with Evolution all around ringside. Fed up with the referee's constant nagging, Triple H hauls off and belts him. Lawler asks, "Can he do that?" (JG Note: Great. Now the announcers are questioning the logic holes.) The ref is down and the cohorts jump in. Batista and Ric Flair work over Benoit and suddenly the crowd pops. It's Eugene! He's coming through the crowd! You know what's funny? Everyone compares Nick Dinsmore to Matt Borne and yes, he does look like Matt Borne. You know who else he looks like, though? Jimmy Garvin. Right? I kept picturing him in a sequined derby singing "yeah, yeah, yeah." Anyway Geney "Jam" clears the ring and delivers punches, Stunners, and Rockbottoms all around. His Uncle Eric Bischoff runs up to the apron and is knocked down as well! Helmsley regains his composure and gets hold of a chair. He swings at Dinsmore, but misses. Gene grabs the steel and delivers a shot of his own. The Game is down on the mat and out like a light. A bloody Benoit looks over and claws his away to Terra Ryzin'. He covers him, but no official is awake. This prompts Dinsmore to return and toss referee Michael Chiodo in the ring to make the three count, which he does…with five seconds left. Chris Benoit beats Triple H. Winner: Chris Benoit (4-3) Lillian Garcia makes the announcement and Jerry Lawler can't believe it. The Crippler leaves with his title, Eugene dances on the announce table, and Hunter vibrates as he stares at his nemesis. A big line of white drool flows from H's mouth as we fade to black. All in all… A good show. It held it's own and delivered some good moments. It also delivered a really bad moment. The Diva thing was terrible. It wasn't terrible because it took away from the other wrestlers. It wasn't terrible because long-term planning wasn't good or blah blah. It was terrible because it was terrible. It was just a horrible piece of television that makes you wonder what type of person put it together, sat back, and said "that'll be money." I can't understand it. Good to see you, Kamala. Actually, it really wasn't. It would have been good to see you if you didn't gyrate and moan on cue. Strange. Randy Orton coming out on top of the Battle Royal was good and it did a lot for a number of guys. Maven came out of the match looking better than he went in, while William Regal didn’t. Ultimately, you make certain sacrifices when you put a large number of guys into one match at once. Some come off better in the end than others. WWE made the most of those sacrifices and gave us a solid winner, an Edge heel-tease, air time for afterthoughts, and some encounters between enemies. It was a nice way to start the show and to push off the Iron Man match. The 60 minute match was solid, but not spectacular. It played out well and both guys really gave a nice performance. It takes a lot to put on a match like this and you can't help but respect Benoit and Hunter for doing it. In the end, it was a respectable performance that few else could do. Eugene's predictable run-in to give Chris the win got a fairly good reaction and continued the Triple H-Gene conflict heading into Summerslam. It wasn't a main event to sneeze at, but not an epic and historic contest by any stretch. It was a way to set up a match on a pay-per-view, not a battle between two guys feuding over the gold. For what it was, though, it was good. Altogether good episode of Raw with some peaks and valleys. Actually with two matches, it isn't hard to point to the peaks and valleys. Battle Royal - peak. Amateur exhibitionists telling Kamala that he's hot while he writhes around groaning in pain - valley. Iron Man - peak. There. Boom. Boom. Boom. Raw in three sentences. I'll catch you all back here on Monday for another edition of Raw Insanity. I have to go wash the memory of Kamala being rubbed up by wanna-divas from my mind now. Alphabetical Listing of Guests You Can Hear on ClubWWI.com : Aaron
Aguliera Christian
Cage Jackie
Gayda Chalie
Haas B.G.
James
Bruno
"Harvey Wippleman" Lauer Rodney
Mack One
Man Gang Diamond
Dallas Page Harley
Race Sylvester
Terkay
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| All content contained here Copyright 2008 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion. |
