Last week, C.M. Punk almost lost the World Title to Dave Batista for the second time in 24 hours.   To celebrate this achievement, John Cena showed up and got into a fist fight with Batista.   JBL was in there somewhere too.   A fun time was had by all.

Raw Theme Plays.

Washington D.C. is off the hooked chain, kiddies!   Michael Cole is in the house and he heard it from a birdie that you could cook a mean turkey with gravy.   Alongside MC Square is The King of Memphis, Jerry Lawler.   You people ready for a rocking Raw?   Well, you came to the right place.   All set?   Let's do this.

 

How John Cena Got Fired From His Job As a Grief Counselor

 

Hello.   Sadness Hotline.   This is John.   You can't see me.   How can I help you?  

 

Yes.   My parents just died in a car accident yesterday.

 

Uh oh!   Well what do we have here?   You got that whole Harry Potter thing going on.   What do we have here?   Huh?   Lord Valtamore done and killed your parents.   What are ya gonna do about that, Harry?   Put a spell on him?

 

I beg your pardon?   M, m, my parents just died, sir.

 

Hang on, son.   I'm not done.   You gonna put a spell on me?   Huh?   Ala kazam!   Hocus Pocus Poopie Locusts!   Send the poopies down from the heavens to...

Click

 

With his new red Jersey on, John Cena has arrived.   His hat proclaims that you "can't see me."   It's camouflage, so I guess it makes sense.   Anyway, J.C.   can tell by the mixed reaction in Deacon Dave's home turf that people are aware of what he has to say.

 

"I am not perfect.   As a matter of fact, I made a mistake.   The way I was raised, if you make a mistake, you be a man, stand up and face the consequences."
            - John Cena

 

What's the mistake?  You saw it, people.   The mighty J.C. socked ol' Dave Batista right in the mush.   That brings with it some consequences.   So, look.   Let's do this right.   Cena ain't hiding.   He's not ducking anything.   In fact, he's in the ring and he's ready to face the Animalistic Consequences right...friggin'...now!

Cue Dave.

 

The Wendy's owner dude?

 

Dave Thomas?   Um.   No.   For starters, he doesn't work here.   Second of all, he's dead.  

 

Oh.

Cue Dave Batista.

 

Oh.   Him.   I hate that guy.

 

Hey Johnny Boy!   Batista is here to answer you.   He knows more than anyone that things happen in the heat of the moment.  Hey.  That's like that Asia song.  Anyway, no worries, mate.   In fact, Dave likes you.   He respects you.   He wants to - how can I put this? - do you.   To show his love, he'll give you the first title match after he beats C.M. Punk at Summerslam.

 

Whoa.   Hold up.   Uh, 'scuse me, Deacon.   Your title match with C.M. Punk, huh?  Well, not for nothin', but John has noticed that you've been in a slump lately.   Ha ha.   No offense, man.   Just saying.   You already had like, what?   Two title matches?   You didn't win.   So what up with that?   Maybe you should sit your Batistass down and give someone else a turn on the swings, pal.

 

Tista isn't having any of that.   He has a rebuttal.   All his matches have interference.   What's an Evolutionary supposed to do?  

 

Ah ha!   Glad you brought that up, D.B.   That's a problem.   We have no Authorit-ai on Raw is War.   So, allow the Marine to jump into the G.M. chair for a second and make some big statements.   For example...

"John Cena against Batista should main event WrestleMania, everyone knows that!"

        - John Cena

People boo.   I kid you not.

 

But - psyche!   Dr. Thuggy has an idea.   Let's make RassleMania...tonight!   Cena vs. Batista!   Right here in front of your people, Deak.   You down?   Batty Dave is down, actually.   In fact, he vows to do his family and friends proud by whipping Cena's "ass all over this ring."   That's right.   Let's do it.   First time ever...Batista vs. Cena.   Done!   Man, I hope no one shows up and throws a wrench into the works...

 

Disheveled and sedated-looking, Shane McMahon mutters on about correcting the authority problem 'round here.   Anarchy?   Not in the McKingdom.   There is a new General Manager on this show.   That person is...going to be announced later tonight.   In the meantime, this  new person has hit the ground running and already booked a big show for tonight.   Matches include...C.M. Punk taking on "the hottest free agent" in wrestling today.   Who?   Never mind.   Then from there, it's Kane and J.B.L. against John Cena and...

 

Guess.   Go on.   Guess.

 

Omar Atlas.

 

Duh.   It's Batista.   Who you think?   Haven't you figured out how these things play out by now?

 

Commercial Break. We kick off the tonight's salute to terrible local commercials with Ellacott.

 

Holy crap, Kelly Kelly!   What are you wearing!?

 

It's a monogrammed shirt with my initials.

 

But...

 

My middle name is Katherine.

 

I...uh, sort of figured that.   Yikes.

 

1. Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix defeated Kelly Kelly and D-Lo Brown when Santino pinned Beth.

 

Before the match, Beth Phoenix told  Santino Marella that the kiss meant nothing.   They should have a strictly professional relationship.   Santi agreed and told her to keep her eyes off his thighs, if ya know what I mean.   This is a great spot for D-Lo to return to.   While Marella and Beth handle one of the show's unexpected and more unique angles, he can get some TV time on the other side of the ring.   As the rules stated, this match allowed men to fight women, which might be awkward for Brown since, you know, he killed Terri Runnel's pretend unborn baby many years ago.    At one point, SanMar couldn't get the host of ClubWWI.com's Lo-Down into a Fire Man's Carry position (JG Note:   Plug...accomplished.)   Bethany tagged herself in and showed him how it's done, by lifting the Headbobber on her shoulders.   It didn't go anywhere as DLB escaped.   While Glammy held her own against a dude, the man vs. woman thing was too much for Kelly to handle.   The Miracle of Milan rolled her up, held her down, and got the pin.  Buona testa!

After the bell, Santino and Beth both stood in the ring.   With the Glamazon's back to him, Marella tried to sneak in a kiss, but appeared to be rebuffed.   Dejected, he hung his head Peanuts style and tried to walk from the ring.

This prompts B.P. to spring into action.   She grabbed her Italian by the hair and yanked him back in.   Santino shrieks like a four year old girl until he's silenced...by a Glamazonian kiss.  

 

Still to come:   Who's the Boss?   Dave and John vs. John and Isaac.   Plus...the Final Highlight Reel starring Mister Chris Jericho.   Don't ya dare go away.   But if you do...can you get me a soda?   Please?  While you're up?  Thanks.

 

Commercial Break. Pizza! LET'S DANCE!

 

Backstage, Shane McMahon is gazing at a pic of his dear old dad.   This brings in Shia LeBeouf's designated driver, John Bradshaw Layfield. Hey there, Shane-o Insane-o, got a sec?  Listen.   You know that Batista doesn't deserve another shot at that title.   And Cena?   Blah to that douche.   Bradshaw is the only real choice for a World Title shot at Summerslam.   What say we make that happen, hair gel.   Make it good.   Oh.  No.  Little Mac's sorry, cowboy.   He has no authority here.   The only person to talk to is the new G.M.   Who is that person...?

 

Here comes the money.

At this point, Shane's phone rings.   His ringtone is his theme song....just like I've always put into the parodies.   I laughed when I heard it.   I don't know.   I always just sort of figured it would be.   That's why I did it.   What surprised me is that he didn't dance when he picked it up.

 

The person on the other end?  New G.M.   Guess who can't talk to him?   JBL.   Ha ha.   Shane-o walks off. Layfield pouts, and we head to the ring.

 

Grandma, why are those men being so mean to you?

 

Kid, I told you already.   I'm not your Grandma.   I'm Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

 

But you look like my grandma.

 

Your grandma has a beard?!

 

Yes.   Yes, she does.

 

The Ho-Master himself, Jim Duggan is here with his wood.   He's joined by another Ho-Master with wood...Jerry Lawler.    But wait...Lillian Garcia has something to say.

 

Guess what?   Surprise!   Apparently our new General Manager is F'n crazy.   How crazy?   Get this.   Hacksaw Jim Duggan, by order of the new General Manager, is no longer Jerry Lawler's partner.   Who is Jerry Lawler's new partner, you ask?

 

If you guessed Omar Atlas, you're wrong.   His new partner is...Michael Cole.   Yup.   Michael Cole.   We have just lost cabin pressure.   The debut of Rat Boy!   It's insanity.   It's next.

 

Commercial Break. When a commercial inspires domestic violence over the phone in your home, maybe it's time to move on.

 

Back from the break and the announce table is empty.   Michael Cole doth protest too much , but it gets him nowhere.   He debates with the referee while the Champions enter the ring.

 

I'm sorry, doctor.   It's hard to talk about.

 

Don't worry, Ted.   I'm here to listen.   Continue.

 

So, I was about 10 years old and my dad goes, "Son, I'll pay you $500 to bounce this basketball ten times."   He had Virgil show it to me.   A while wad of cash.  So I bounced it.   One time.   Two times.   Three times.   Four times.   Five times.   Six times.   Seven times.   Eight times.   Nine times...bam.   He punches me in the face.   I fall to the ground and I'm screaming and crying.   He just laughed , told me to go put on my shiny tear-away tuxedo pajamas, and sent me to my room.

 

That sounds terrible, Ted.

 

Oh doc...I haven't even told you about the time he sent Xanta Klaus to our house and had him beat me senseless on Christmas Morning.

 

Sorry, Ted.   We're out of time.   I have an appointment with Cody at six.  

 

2. WWE Tag Team Champions Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase defeated Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler when Cody pinned Cole.

 

I really hope Kane is the G.M.   That would be completely ridiculous and great.   His office could constantly be on fire.   Pictures of Katie Vick hanging all over the place.   As for this match, with both the commentators wrestling, no one came out to replace them.   No Todd Grisham.   No...uh, Todd Grisham.   I don't know who else they'd plug in there.   Doesn't matter, though.   We got silence.   Cole didn't take his coat off as he stood on the apron and watched King Jerry get crowned by the My Dad Did Sapphire Club.   True to form, Lawler showed why he's an 1100 time USWA Champion.   He held his own against the heels until he mistakenly went to his corner, Cole tapped his back and was technically tagged in since he touched him.

 

(JG Note:   This was the exact spot they used in the 80s during Mean Gene Okerlund's debut, tagging with Hulk Hogan against Mr. Fuji and George Steele.   Mean Gene slapped Hulk five and then had to enter the ring.   Moral of the story?   Don't slap Hulk Hogan five.  Ever.)

 

Cody Rhodes pulled Coleslaw into the ring and held him by the collar.   Mikey swung at him, but ultimately failed because, well, he's a Rat Boy.   Codedust nailed him with a lariat and scored a pin.

After the bell, the referees and Jerry Lawler check on the fallen Cole.   The world holds its breath as we roll to a commercial.

 

Commercial Break. I'll show you! You'll see my bad commercial!

 

Oh no.   Mike Adamle.   He's in the broadcast booth.   He's not sure why he's there, but he got a call last week saying to be at Raw.   This must have been in the works for a while.   It's a conspiracy.   When Jerry Lawler returns, he notes that the mysterious Dr. Claw...er, uh, General Manager "must like to play games."   (JG Note:   This thing is definitely getting interesting.)

 

Jamie Noble is with Leyla - center ring.   Now the Pitbull knows that there's one thing the new G.M. certainly must know about him...

"I'm good looking' like Barack Obama.   I love my oatmeal like John McCain."

       - Jamie Noble

 

In fact, that's why Jung Dragon Jamie brought his chickadie to the ring.   She can watch him take out the Intercontinental Champion.   That's right, Coffee Kegstand.   Git yer ass out here!  

 

3. Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston pinned Jamie Noble.

 

Dude.   Kofi Kingston is crazy.   For a Jamaican wrestler, he hops around more like a crack head than a ganja lova.   He's really great to watch and made short work of the Noble Jamie.  

 

Backstage, C.M. Punk is walking.   Walk, walk, walk.   He's facing "the hottest free agent" in wrestling.   Who is it?   Stay tuned.   Or, keep reading, rather.

 

Commercial Break. No money down!

 

Did You Know:   Raw was the most watched show on cable television last Monday.   Did you also know...cable television sucks.

 

JBL is at the broadcast table.   He doesn't seem too broken up by the death of his former announce partner/huggie-boo Michael Cole.   Instead, he prepares himself for C.M. Punk versus Omar Atlas.

 

World Champion Punk hits the ring and awaits the announcement of his opponent...

 

...William Regal.   (JG Note:   When the music first hit, I thought it was Andre the Giant.   It was like, "What a swerve!   ANDRE!")   Straight Edge versus Whoops. It’s awn.

 

4. World Champion C.M. Punk pinned William Regal after the G.T.S.

 

William Regal has a bizarre wrestling outfit now.   It's a spandex sleeveless top attached to trunks.   Picture Super Crazy's shirt with small trunks.   He looked like a female volleyball player.   Weird stuff.   Being away from the ring has made Willie so angry he could just - kick someone in the head.   In fact, he does just that.   In a good spot, he places the Punker's head next to the ring post and then kicks it in.   Nuts.   As time goes on, C.M.'s face pops open and blood begins to flow.   The announcers agree that this is the worst Punky has looked as champion...and that's saying a lot.   Adamle wonders if Regal's time away has made him more dangerous.   I womder why no one brings up that he lost a "You're Fired" match to Ken Kennedy.   He didn't lose a "You're suspended for two months" match.   I guess we just ignore anything Kennedy did now.   We've been doing that for the last five months or so anyway.   In the end, Sir William was put to sleep and pinned.  

 

Following the bell, Layfield entered the ring and got into a smacktalk sesh with Punk.   After some jawing,   Kane's music hit.   The monster walked to the ring and promptly chopped JBL in the throat.   This left him open for a C.M. attack.   The Champion went on the offensive but was knocked down...by Bradshaw.   The Acolyte has some heated words while the Lita Lover just grins like a goon.  I hope Kane's the new G.M.

 

Actually, I take that back.   I hope Mike Adamle is the heel General Manager.   That would be truly awesome.    He could change all the matches and declare that, "Carboards are subject to changes."   Yes.  Adamle.  That would be awesome

 

Commercial Break. Don't get pimped.

 

Chris Jericho.   In a suit.   In the ring.

 

Is this...the final Highlight Reel?   Y2J fills us all in on the situation.   For years, you knew Chris as...well, I'll let him tell you.

 

"For many years, Chris Jericho in WWE wasn't seen as an internationally known superstar.  Known as a supremely gifted athlete, but as a performer.  An entertainer.  A party host for the new millennium.  A showman and I gladly played that part because that's what you wanted me to play.  I did what you thought you wanted for my career.  What I thought you wanted for my career rather than what I wanted for my career and that was a big mistake...I decided I would rather host my own talk show than continue down that road.  It was pathetic.  It was a pathetic mistake to try and please and pander to all of you and I was wrong in doing that...So tonight, this is the last Highlight Reel that you will ever see."

        - Chris Jericho

 

During his rant, he uses the word "again" and pronounces it normally rather than as "ay-gayne."   Symbolic.

 

It really amazes me that Jericho can say the same exact thing every Monday, yet constantly find a new way to do it.    His speeches have had the same main idea for the last month or so.  His delivery is great, though. Now in honor the final Reel, let's take a look at a video package honoring a fallen icon.   Honoring a man who is no more.   Shawn Michaels?   No, no, no.   This video is honoring the end of the comedy act known as... Y2J.

Video Package Featuring Chris Jericho's cheesiest moments.   Planet of the Apes costumes and Stephanie's boobies play prominent roles.  

 

Chris knows that the fans miss that wild and crazy guy.   Guess what.   Jericho doesn't.   He's embarrassed of what he was.   He's a new man now.   He's matured.   He could have been a puppet of the people until the end of days and still never would have been loved like Shawn Michaels.   That blows hay, Jose.   Fozzy cries foul.   Unfair!   So, the only way to do something about it was to put the Heartbreak Kid's head through a TV monitor, beat him up at the Bash, and take his eye out like Jacob Goodnight.   This decimation was symbolic.   Not only was the Midnight Rocker destroyed...but so were all the fans.   You sheep have been sheared!

 

Lance Cade and the hot cocoa ring on his face agree.   You deserve better, Mr. Jericho.   Before you, Cade's career blew chunks.

 

"I was stuck with a singing cowboy."

                                - Lance Cade

 

Lovely. 

 

Now Lance's career has new life and his dog, Chunks, is able to get some sleep.   C.J. hears ya, Garrison.   Good butt-kissing, kiddo.  Now, back to Jericho.  Chris put an end to Shawn Michaels.   Now, it's all about the Lionhearted One.   Forget Batista.   Forget Cena.   Forget Layfield.   Forget Outback Jack.   If anyone deserves a  Summerslam shot at C.M. Punk, it's the Artist Formerly Known As Captain Cheeseball - Chris Jericho.  

 

Commercial Break. He's Jeff Garlin's brother-in-law!

 

Guess who joined in on commentary.   J.R.   Yup.   Move down, Kane and Adamle.   You're still on my list but my new #1 suspect is here.

 

5. Women's Champion Mickie James pinned Jillian Hall after a Swinging DDT

Jim Ross and Mike Adamle together is like watching Lou Thesz team up with Nailz.   Ross corrected some of Mike's mistakes and helped to call things as they occurred.   (JG Note:  I can picture him tying his shoes for him too.) The finale went down when Mickie James put Jillian down for the count with a DDT.

After the match ended, Mickie walked to ringside and kissed her dad, who was seated in the front row.   What a tender moment.   You know what could ruin that?   A pirate's sister.

Katie Lea Burchill appeared out of nowhere and beat James up in front of her old man.   After pounding the former Trish Stalker into rubbish, Katie took the microphone with her brother, Paul, by her side.   Then, in her rather awesome British accent, Lady Burchill informed M.J. that she's got a challenger on the horizon, so get ready chick.   Kate's British accent is enough to put her at the top of my favorite divas list all on its own.   Bloody lovely, love.   Fish and chips.   Fawlty Towers.   Mr. Bean with Wallace and Gromit, old chap.

 

New General Manager Suspect List:

 

Jim Ross
Kane
Mike Adamle

John Locke From Lost

 

The last one's a long shot, but come on.   How friggin' awesome would that be!?

 

Shane McMahon is talking to Grishy Todd Grisham backstage.   After the obligatory butt-kissing, Toddly asks the magic question.   New G.M. - who is he?   Mac corrects him.   It might not be a "she."   (JG Note:   Or an "It."   How about an "It."   Oooo.   A "She-He?"   Like Ru-Paul? )   Chillax, Grishmeister.   You'll find out in due time.   After all, the new boss is already here.   That's right.   Here.   Stick around, stick boy.   Sheet's fixin' ta'get poppin'!

 

Commercial Break. Moo. Oink.    

Back from the break, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler rundown the Summerslam card.   Mike Adamle eats a big red candle.

 

This Saturday...Saturday Night's Main Event.    Our very own Canadian Bulldog will be running down the event in real time.   Check in for all the winners, losers, and Aaron Wood libel you can handle!

 

John Cena is talking with Cryme Tyme backstage.   They tell the man in the invisible cap that he's got the World Title match in the bag.   As they talk smack, Batista walks up from behind.   Things get awkward and John asks his buddies for some privacy.   C.T. obliges and, as they do, Shad looks at Tista as if to say, "You ain't nothin' little bitch."

 

With Chill Town gone, The C-Man and The Deacon make some points clear.   There is a lack of trust here.   They're going to have to do their best to suppress that distrust and take out JBL and Kane tonight!   Again, you know the drill with these storylines.   I can't even begin to tell you how bored I am of the whole "enemies team up" thing.   Luckily, we still have the new G.M. unveiling on the way.   That's reason enough to stay tuned.   I don’t want to miss John Locke.

 

Commercial Break. 

6. John Cena and Batista defeated Kane and JBL when Cena pinned Kane

Matches like this are done to get everyone out there.    Look.   These are the top guys.   They're wrestling, but not in a capacity that really counts.    With Ross still at ringside, things were like old times.   Weird.   The new G.M. has summoned the announcers all there tonight.   They all received mysterious invitations like the people in the movie "Clue"  got from Mr. Body.  (JG Note:   Communism is just a red...herring.)    John Cena's shorts had an orange decal on the back pocket and, at first glance, I thought his ass was bleeding.   I was like, "Well.   That's a first."   Then I realized it was a decal and felt stupid.   With the beating he took, I wouldn't have been surprised.   All he wanted was to make that hot tag to Batista.   When he did, the Animal was Unleashed.   Dave turned JBL inside out and managed to knock him down with the Spinebuster.   Bradshaw wasn't finished yet, though.   He tossed Tista to the outside and followed behind.   After another near fall, Kane was tagged in.   He opened up on the Deacon as well and suddenly things looked darkest for the Evolutionary.   When Big Red locked on a - completely random - body scissors, D.B. had to fight for his life.   He whaled away on the BrotherTaker with punches but was once again taken down by the freshly tagged Bradshaw.    After some big moves, the miscommunication began...on the heel side.

 

JBL mistakenly hit Kane and it made the monster irate.   After a scuffle between the two, Cena swept in, swooped the Big Red Machine on his shoulders, and gave him a good F-Uing.

 

Here comes the money....

Disheveled and sedated-looking, Shane McMahon mutters on about correcting the authority problem 'round here.   Anarchy?   Not in the McKingdom.   There is a new General Manager on this show...

 

"Isn't this the way we started tonight.   Ladies and gentlemen, the new General Manager of Raw...Mike Adamle!"
        - Shane McMahon

 

AH!   YES!   I swear to you, that I wrote everything up until now in real time!   Great move WWE!   Adamle as GM!  I love you people.   Freddie Prinze Jr. is great.   Scooby Doo 2 ruled!

Mike Adamle, standing in the ring, looks at Batista.  Then he looks at Cena. 

 

The Adamleader then decries, "At Summerslam, its John Cena versus the Animal Dave Batista...good luck."

 

Raw's cardboard is subject to some changes as we fade to black.

 

All in all...YES!   I loved seeing this whole thing play out.

 

Believe what you want, but I genuinely got a vibe when I heard Adamle say he was told to be in Washington D.C.   I mean, he has such natural heat because of his brain-dead approach to commentary.   Putting him in a G.M. spot is like Steve Carell or Ricky Gervais on The Office.   Mark my words.   This is going to be a great decision.   Great decision.

 

Chris Jericho should have done this speech five years ago.   He is on his way to the push that we'll always remember.   Like Edge after the whole Lita scandal, Chris is aboot to cross a bridge and go from second-fiddle to main event heel.   Of course, if this tanks, it'll be bad.   But I have a strong feeling it won't.   Jericho is more talented than he often gets credit for.

 

I suppose you can't suspend a guy for two months for a Wellness violation and then bring him back with a big angle.   William Regal's return to Raw was treated with all the fanfare of a dentist appointment.   Bloody afterthought.

 

Speaking of which...I love Katie Lea Burchill.   My only regret is that we're not related.

 

Be sure to check out ClubWWI.com  and Be Well!   Thanks for sharing the Insanity!