The WWE Divas have posed half-naked everywhere. Whether on the streets of New York, the beaches of the Bahamas, or the rings of World Wresting Entertainment, fans of WWE everywhere know that the fine women on the roster always get their hearts racing.

That’s why WWE is proud to announce it’s next edition of Diva photo spreads. That’s right. Coming to newsstands, PPV, and DVD for the first time ever, it’s…

WWE Divas in Inappropriate Places

...Because how can the setting be wrong when their curves are oh so right?

Some kindergarten class, huh? Must make “Time Out” more interesting. Speaking of time out, is time finally out for the Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro now that the Big Red Booty Daddy Kane is the top contender? Has the battle between DX and The McMahons reached it’s boiling point? Can Randy Orton gain a mental edge over his half-broken Summerslam opponent? What about the father of John Cena who, as “reported” on WWE.com, was accosted by Edge and Lita? What did the WWE Champion do to him? Did hr survive? Did Edge shoot him dead? Blam. Right in the face? Well, probably not. That would be too much. He probably just ridiculed him, pushed him. or dressed up a midget to mock his son. That’s more of a rasslin’ thing. Although having the WWE Champion shoot his opponent’s dad in the face would get some major media coverage. The only thing is that Cena would have to be OK with them killing him. It’s a good way to test his love for WWE, Vince. Bring it up. Ask. Be like, “So…we were thinking - just thinking, mind you - of letting Edge shoot your dad dead. How would you be with that?” If he agrees, then you know you have a loyal soldier in your ranks. Anyway, I digress. No one’s getting shot tonight, guys…or are they? Only one way to find out. Read the Raw Insanity. It begins…now.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the WWE Champiiiiiion Edge!”
- Lillian Garcia, 9:00pm

Ladies, ladies, ladies. Big Jim and Uncle Jerry are in the hizouse! We’re on our way to the 19^th annual Summerslam and apparently J.R. and Lawler have heard some “disturbing news” lately. (JG Note: No. Not the Summerslam card, smart ass.) They don’t go into detail, but Ross says that WWE.com had some “sketchy” information. Maybe Edge can shine some light on the situation. Go on, Brood-boy. Shine on.

Adam “Edge” Copeland is center ring with Lita by his side. He knows that the capacity crowd is itching for information on the “incident” today, but they’ll have to wait. Before anything, Copeland has a story to tell. That story is about his frustration over Summerslam. The fair-haired Canadian has to go to Cena’s hometown of Boston and defend the strap in a DQ-loses-the-title match! Damn! Even worse, Adam has to beat, er, uh…face Carlito later on tonight. Double damn! So how does a WWE Champion with so much on his weary mind kill some time? Why, he goes to Massachusetts. He goes to John Cena’s dad’s house. He does this:

Video of Adam and Lita walking through the Casa de Cena. Edge says that Pappy wasn’t at home so he and his lady friend had to let themselves in. They videotape their crime for some reason and give us an HGTV style tour of the home. In the bedroom, Mr. R Rating found Dr. Thuggy's wrestling boot, but was confused about them since John “can’t wrestle.” Snap. Then, to make matter worse, Edgar picked up the former champ’s Larry Bird jersey and wiped his nose on it. Nice. After looking at some childhood photos of J.C., Edge and Lita climbed down from his bed and went downstairs to mock his trophies. Then out of nowhere…Lance Russell arrived. That’s right. The famed Memphis announcer got up in the intruder’s face and…

Wait, wait. No. That’s not Lance Russell. That’s John Cena’s dad. I guess that makes more sense. My bad.

Mr. Cena scolds the burglars, furiously pointing at them. We can’t hear what he’s saying, but the scene plays out while Adam talks over it. The gist was that Mr. C (Not Tom Bosley) walked in on the home invasion, became angry, and was about to call the cops to report the crime. Just as he picks up his phone, Copeland orders the Titatron gremlins to pause the video.

The Champ stops the tape and says that he was telling Johnny’s Papa how he was going to whoop his son’s vanilla ass at Summerslam. That’s right. Whooop! There it is. With that, he calls for the tape to play again. Play, damn you! Play!

The video continues on and it appears that the criminal and his chica are leaving. They don't want no trouble, Mr. John's Dad.  They'll just be on their way.  You’d think that would be the end of it, right? Nah. Wrong answer, bucko.  Heels don’t leave. Heels gotta slap!

Wham!

Edge swings and Papa John goes down like a The Bionic Man at Safe-T-Swim. Just for effect, The R-Rated Superstar orders the replay to air a few more times. Ouch. You see, the Home Invaders had a point to make. That point was that at Summerslam, the WWE Title is staying put around the eager pelvis of the Edgeman. While Cena goes home to lick his daddy’s wounds, the Champeen is here to tell you all the real story of Cena-Edge. He starts at the beginning and lays it all out in chapter-form.

Chapter One: WrestleMania 21 Money in the Bank Ladder Match - Edge wins title shot.

Chapter Two: New Year’s Revolution - Edge cashes in title shot and beats John Cena.

Chapter Three: Good Times and Live Sex - Not to be confused with the TV Show “Good Times,” which was about Jimmy Walker and not sex.

Chapter Four: Royal Rumble - Twist - John wins the WWE Title.

Chapter Five: July 3^rd Raw - Edge wins back the World Title from…well, that’s not important.

Chapter Six: Ending -

“Chapter six, John. Well, that’s the ending. And every good story needs a grand finale. A great ending. And usually the good guy wins. Puts on the white hat and walks away. But this is the real world, son, and I’m throwing on my black hat. This story’s gonna have a happy ending, but it’s gonna be for me!”
                                                     - Edge, 9:09pm

Segment ends and it wasn’t half bad. The selling of this story is very old-school in that it’s based more on respect and wins than “you murdered my unborn baby” or something ridiculous like that. Edge also showed how a good close to a promo can raise the whole thing up in the eyes of fans. He capped it off well and it made his match with John on Sunday seem more like the World Title match it’s supposed to be.

Later Tonight: Candice, Torrie, and Victoria face the Diva Search girls in a waterfight. Not in war-torn Iraq...just in the boring ol' arena. Also, Randy Orton and Hop-along Hogan are both scheduled to be here. Those on the inside say that Randall is going to call out his new foe. Will it happen? But first, it’s Mickie James defending the WWE Women’s Title against Lita. Don’t ya dare go away. If you do, you smell. You don’t want to smell, do you? Of course not. So stick around.

Commercial Break. I hate the Snickers song.

Back from the break and Mr. and Mrs. Cenadaddyattacker are still in the ring. They await the arrival of the WWE Women’s champion.

1) Lita pinned Mickie James after hitting her with the title to become the new WWE Women’s Champion

Weird match here. It’s two of the most over heel divas on the roster. Also, after a long promo, the last thing you’d expect people to get giddy over is a forced diva match between two heels. Surprise, though, they kind of were. I think the intrigue of being able to cheer for Mickie was enough to get people motivated. The crowd popped for a lot of her moves and Ross noted that Mick was pretty popular with the fans tonight. There were some occasional slow points, but the fans couldn’t help but cheer for all the straddles and head scissors. Before we hit the end, things got kind of bizarre logic-wise. James, still playing the heel for some reason, put her feet on the ropes to pin Lita. Edge, justifiably so, knocked her feet off. That’s the right thing to do, right? It’s illegal, ain’t it? Nah ah. The crowd didn’t like it. So they booed. Boo! You’re not letting her cheat! The irony is that Amy didn’t care about the rules at all because as soon as she was out of her predicament, she rolled up M.J. with the ropes for leverage. After some more back and forth action and an Edge ref distraction, Miss Leets slammed the Women’s Champion across the face with the title belt and scored a victory. That’s right. New women’s champion is Lita. Now the WWE Champion and Women's Champion are knocking da boots.  Say hello to the new Golden couple of World Wrestling Entertainment.

Commercial Break. Summerslam. Orton. Hogan. Three Knees. One price.

There’s a homeless man backstage at…oh, it’s Mick Foley. Foley is in the interview position and he’s wearing his favorite outfit. After congratulating Lita on her new title reign, Mick opens up. He’s upset. He’s upset that he gave in and granted Ric Flair a match at Summerslam. Foley didn’t want to! No way! It was only after the Nature Boy promised a hardcore classic that Mankind gave in.  Fine then.  Let's have that classic, shall we?  Hey...aren't you an easy bleeder, Ric?  You are! You’re a walking juice box, bitchboy. Tell ya what. Eff this Sunday. Show up tomorrow night at ECW. That’s Cactus Jack’s old stomping grounds. You show up there and maybe we’ll see something magic, “you washed up piece of crap.” Tonight, Dude Love’s gonna relax. He’s gonna sit backstage, tug his socko, and watch Melina at ringside for Nitro‘s match with you. Bang, bang, and all that. Have a nice Umaga.

Umaga is here and Jim Ross has officially given him something that he shouldn’t have. It’s something that didn’t belong to him and something he doesn’t need. What is it?

“He is a manster! Half man. Half monster!”
                           - Jim Ross, 9:28pm

Uhhh... Brock Lesnar was the “manster.” What’s worse - it was stupid then. It reminds me of a “hamster” or a “manwich.” Either way, it’s not a name for your Samoan Bulldozer heel. God!

2) Umaga defeated Alex Sage after an Asian Spike

Squash. Squish. Smoosh. Thumb. Umaga.

Still to Come: What plans do the McMahons have for DX tonight? Also, when will Hulk Hogan arrive at the arena? We have a camera waiting for him in the parking lot. (JG Note: He’s probably late because he’s out partying with Jeff Hardy)

Commercial Break. This Friday on Smackdown you’ll get to see The Undertaker vs. Great Khali. Sorry.

No…no…NO! AHHHHH!

Johnny, Johnny, wake up! Wake up.

3) Non-Title Match: Ric Flair defeated Johnny Nitro via disqualification

Jim Ross pushes Flair’s match with Foley at Summerslam. He again refers to it as “The 19^th annual Summerslam.” I think J.R.’s trying to make me feel old. Old or young, one thing is for certain. Ross will definitely tune into ECW tomorrow night because he works for WWE he wants to see the fireworks between Ric and Mankind. The focus is on tonight, though. Tonight it’s about Johnny Nitro and his seductive manager. During the match, Ross questions the relationship between Cactus Jack and “that screamer,” Melina. Actually, to be honest here, I think this match was really laid out well. The commentary was going good for it and both Jim and Jerry did a solid job of selling the storylines for everyone involved. Another thing about this match that made it good was the feeling that it was important. With Mick calling out Naitch for tomorrow’s show, you don’t expect to see him run out during this one. It helps you focus more on the match at hand. Also, when Foley does finally run in, you’re not expecting it as much. Oh. Did I mention that? Mick Foley ran in. When he did, he was attacked by Flair.

With the two in the corner struggling, Mel rushed up behind the 16 time champion and hit him in the Flair Family Jewels. The low blow sends Slick Ric from the ring with Mick on his tail. Jim Ross pisses off women everywhere by saying that he never thought he’d have to say “that Mick Foley needed a woman’s help to get Ric Flair down.” Woman’s help or not, Cactus seemed to be on the attack. He dragged the Nature Boy to the ring stairs and lifted off the top two steps. He then draped Flair across it. Uh oh.

With the large metal steps in his hand, Mick raised them over his head, spun around and slammed them down. At the last second, the Dirtiest Player in The Game rolled away and saved his head from certain squashing. Enraged, Mr. Socko’s dad kicked away at the former Evolutionary while the crowd chanted “Foley sucks.” It doesn’t seem to phase the unshaven author. He joins up with the couple he likes to imply that he swings with and smiles as they walk up the ramp.

Still To Come: Women shooting each other with water. Stick around. You have something better to do? What? Read a book? Learn a language? Practice an instrument? Screw that! It’s women shooting each other with water. Come on.

Commercial Break. This Wednesday is the finale of the 2006 Raw Diva Search. It’s a big event. Past winners have gone on to things like hosting TNA shows or getting constant injuries.

Hoorah! Hoorah! It’s Mike Mizerable and that must mean it’s time for the Diva Search. We pan the ring to see the bouncing hopefuls. One of them is about to lose her shot at hosting TNA and getting hurt. That’s right. One goes home this evening.  Will it be Jen, Leyla, Milena, or J.T. in her “MILF” t-shirt. So who is it? Who’s going home?

It's...Milena. Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust. Milena - you’re dead to us. Smash!

People don’t react much, but Miz seems to think they do. He scolds those who are upset to vote. You can’t complain if you don’t vote. (JG Note: I don’t know if they’re booing for Milena leaving, Mizzy. What about the people booing because they’re bored with this waste of time weekly fluff segment? How’s voting gonna help them?) Anyway, Milena’s dead and now it’s time to exploit these hoochies. It’s wet t-shirt time!

From there, we waste some more time by introducing Candice Michelle, Torrie Wilson, and Victoria…separately. Once in the ring, all the women were given buckets, water balloons, and water guns. Their mission - wet each other down.

Then came the long drawn out water fight. It really seemed so ridiculous. It’s not even the fact that it’s not wrestling. I mean, if they did something provocative or different, you could at least argue that they’re trying new things. This was just completely stupid. They had a water fight. It’s like playing duck, duck, goose or marbles for ten minutes during Raw. Who do they expect to appeal to with something that’s too ridiculous and censored to even be considered sexual? You want to stop teenage pregnancy? Bring the tenth grade boys gym class to a year’s worth of WWE Raw tapings. They’ll find sex pretty boring by the end.

After giving out the instructions on voting, Mike the Coach Miz was attacked by all the girls and soaked down. Yes, sir. The girls have turned their giggly, playful attack around on the unwitting M.C.! Now there’s a twist!  Like Balki used to say, “Where do they come up with them?”

At the announce table, Ross and Lawler sell Summerslam.  There we’ll see Randy Orton meeting up with Hulk Hogan. This is more than a match. It’s personal. With Hulk’s son Dominic daughter Brooke hanging in the balance, there’s so much on the line. Hey, speaking of line, get your cable operator on the line. WWE 24/7 just got picked up nationwide on Comcast. That's right!  Now you have even more reasons to put off learning that new language!

Triple H and Shaw Michaels are wearing dueling DX shirts as they march through the backstage hallways. The Boy Toy and the Baby Daddy are on their way to the ring…next!

Commercial Break.

Back from the break and DeGeneration X is on it’s way to the ring, complete with the seizure-inducing theme video. Triple H must mean business because he’s wearing his sunglasses. As J.R. and Lawler run down the decline and fall of DX at the hands of Vince and Shane McMahon, the duo circle the ring. After long last, Helmsley takes the house mic and goes through the usual “Let’s get ready to suck it” routine. This time around, Michaels didn’t do his part of the opening though. Instead, he took the microphone and addressed some of his DeGeneration problems. Last week, he was forced to start his “prison ministry” because he was locked in the “clink.” The Boy Toy sat in that jail cell, unfairly arrested by the Mcfamily, and thought about the things that makes this feud go ‘round. For starters, the DXers have “a tendency to focus on Vince McMahon’s seemingly veracious appetite for…you know.”

At this point, Shawn and Trips unveil the “Vince Loves (Picture of a chicken)” shirt. The chicken is supposed to represent a “cock.“ Oh ho ho ho. You‘ve probably seen this shirt. They put it up on Shopzone and then yanked it down just as quickly. At first I thought that maybe they realized how incredibly lame it was. Now I see that they were just saving the incredibly lame shirt’s debut for their primetime TV show. Of course. 

Oh my God! That man is being electrocuted!

No. No. That’s Shane McMahon. He’s just dancing.

Shane McMahon is in the house and he’s got his dancing shoes on. He also has his introducing shoes on. That’s right. Put your hands together for the chairman of the board…Vincent Kennedy McMahon! Once Big Poppa arrives, complete with a security team, Shane-o Insane-o orders footage to be played depicting the McMahon dominance of DX. It’s his Titantron. It’s his rules. Play it.

Video of: The McMahon dominance of DX.

After watching the mini-movie, Vince informs us that after Summerslam, he and his son will part-ay. However, as of tonight, the DeGeneration party is ova! That’s right. O-V-A. Ova. Now, the owner will give credit where credit is due. You made a nice name for yourselves (JG Note: A decade ago.) However, you’re not the #1 name in rasslin’. No way. That name is Capital M, small C, Mahon. Why? That’s because the McFamily has unlimited resources. Whatever they want, they get it. If they want to choose someone at random from the Raw roster and make them play unwilling foot soldiers, they can. If they want to bribe policemen, they can. Hell, Vinnie Mac even thinks he can bring in the National Guard if he wants to. He threatens his son-in-law and Prisoner Minister that they have “no chance in hell” at Summerslam. Before he can complete his treacherous promise, VKM is interrupted.

“Hold on a second. I know where you’re going with that. No Chance in Hell. Your music’s gonna play. You’re gonna try to walk out . Leave us standing here holding our units. I don’t know if it’s your Alzheimer’s or if you’ve just gone plain stupid, Vince. But let me remind you who the hell we are. This is the Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels. I am the Game Triple H. The Showstopper. The Icon. The Cerebral Assassin. The King of Kings. And together, together, Vince, we are your worst nightmare. We are DeGeneration X and at Summerslam, we are gonna kick your ass! Now, you can bring whoever you want. You want to bring somebody from the back? We don’t care. You wanna bring someone from the street? We don’t care. You wanna bring the 82^nd Airborne? We don’t care. You want to bring Satan himself? Well, I’ll tell you what. We will look the devil dead in his eye, spit right in his face, and tell him the exact same thing we’re now telling you. We’ve got two words for you!”
                                     - Triple H, 10:14pm

Uh, hold up.  Wasn’t Hunter supposed to be the devil? Wasn’t that the basis for his feud with Batista? It was, right? I’m confused. The King of Kings and the Ministry leader dance around while their music blares over the loudspeaker. J.R. reminds us of the McMahons and their resources as we head into Summerslam. Mentioned more than once in five minutes on Raw? Gots to be the foreshadowing, baby!  Stay tuned.

Still To Come: Afro Joe faces the Champ.

Out in the parking lot, Hulk Hogan still isn’t here. God knows what Jeff did to him.

Commercial Break. Apparently Hammerstat Nissan on Long Island is holding a big sale called…Summer Slam ‘06. This is where I make some wise-ass comment about people wanting to watch the Nissan Summer Slam more than the WWE one. Well, I won’t. I just won’t.

Kenny! Mikey! Eric! Arvid! Mr. Moore!

4) Non-Title Match: Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Eugene defeated The Spirit Squad when Eugene pinned Mikey.

In the first minute of the match, J.R. blows up Jim Duggan’s spot and says that he has a degree from Southern Methodist University. How lucky for them.  They must be so proud. “Oh yes. One of our alumni is world renowned for sticking his tongue out, stroking his wood, and screaming the word 'ho'.” Ho or no ho, Jim appeared to be in deep trouble at one point. Outside the ring, he was nearly attacked by all five of the Squad members. However, the Highlanders arrived to even the numbers and do their part to prevent any cheating (JG Note: You know. Preventing cheating - the thing Edge got booed for doing earlier.) In the end, the Landers ended up preventing cheaters by cheating themselves. With the ref distracted, the Spirits attacked Eugene. Seeing this unfair double-team, Rory and Robbie rushed the ring and nailed Mikey with a Scot Drop. Dinsmore made the cover and scored his team a non-title victory. Grand.  Hey, uh...remember back when champions didn’t lose? There was a time when that happened. They would even win the non-title matches too. Man, it seems like eons ago.

Commercial Break. The Covenant looks like a pretty good movie. The three hour commercial they aired for it really sold me.

Get ready, fans. Jeff Hardy is coming back to WWE…soon. Yup. He’s on his way back. Yup, yup. Should be any minute now. He should be here soon. I’m sure if he’s just gonna no-show, he’d call, right? Right? Damnit! Where the hell is he?!

Vince and his son are talking about their DX issues. They’re interrupted by Armando Alejandro Estrada. Shane-o and Vinnie stop him short and ask who he thinks he is. Thinking that another introduction is in order, Mando starts to go into his “My name is” spiel, but is quickly cut off. The bosses know who you are, Lou Bega. What do you want? Big Lalo says that he overheard about the McSearch for resources. You want back-up? Well, AAE has backup. His name is…UMAGA! (JG Note: For some reason, VKM and Shane appear angry, and only light up when Armando says “Umaga.” I guess they didn’t realize who he was talking about at first when he offered resources. Funny. You’d think that the fact that Maga is the only person Estrada manages might have tipped them off.) They express their happiness over the Cuban’s offer and are immediately greeted by their hired gun. Maggie rushes into the scene and let out some primal screams…or dry-heaves, depending on how you look at it.

Ross and Lawler rundown the Summerslam event. Not the Nissan one, the wrestling one. Oh…and look at that. Booker T vs. Batista … at Summerslam. Remember how Dave and Book got into that legit fight at a photo shoot and WWE reported it on their website? Remember how they said there were no plans to have them fight each other and they were only reporting it to “get the story out?”  It wasn’t being reported to put the conflict out there in the cosmos and hope the memory sell an upcoming match, right? Well, now they’re fighting at Summerslam. Say, what was the photo shoot for, anyway? Summerslam? Oh yeah. That’s right. Spooky coincidences, huh? Also, Hogan and Orton fight…maybe…perhaps…definitely. Plus, Rey Mysterio and Chavo Guerrero continue to stretch out an eight month storyline that shouldn’t have been started to begin with. Always lovely how the truly tasteless angles are the ones that last for years on end.

Trish Stratus digs crazy hair. She’s backstage rapping with her Caribbean boyfriend, Carlito. Carly is on his way to the ring in hopes of taking down the WWE Champion. With the adrenaline pumping, he finally works up the apples to lay a big smooch on Miss Trish. Kissy, kissy, now let’s role. Chia Head and his Stratus-chick are next! Ross and Lawler are excited. Heed their warning and don’t ya dare go a…you know what? We’re tired of telling you to stick around. You wanna go? Huh? Do you? Well go. Go on. Go then. They don’t care. Just walk out the…oh come on, baby. Don’t go. J.R. and Jerry love you. You know that. Come home, baby. Let’s snuggle and have some muffins. Carlito and Edge are next.

Commercial Break. Order SummerSlam.  It's Sunday.  God's day.  You're supposed to do something nice.  Do something nice for Vince McMahon.  Buy his pay-per-view.  This announcment paid for by WWE's Sales Through Guilt Division.

5) Non-Title Match: WWE Champion Edge defeated Carlito via disqualification

This was longer than I had expected, but Carlito has been coming up in recent weeks and showing his wrestling skills. The big drawback this match had, though? Well, it’s the same thing every time. After a hard-fought match, there’s nothing worse than a run-in DQ non-finish. It happened earlier with Flair-Nitro and it really shouldn’t happen more than once in a night. It did, though. It happened again here. After a solid contest, Copeland appeared to have Carly down and out. He slammed Fuzzy to the mat with a stinging Spear and looked poised for a pinfall. That’s when the run-in happened.

My name is John Cena. You slapped my father. Prepare to die.

John Cena runs into the ring and right onto the WWE Champion. Ross says that he’s like a man possessed and he’s right. The Mighty J.C. wailed away on the R-Rated Daddy Slapper and they fell into the crowd. The brawl raged for a few minutes until the bad guy ran away. That’s how most of these things end. The bad guy runs away. You’ve probably figured that out by now.

I thought the show was over at this point.  Nah, ah, ah...don't foget...

Up Next: Randy Orton might call out Hulk Hogan! If he doesn’t, then we have about 12 minutes of dead-air. Which will it be? Find out…next!

Commercial Break. Beerfest looks like it’s either going to be really good or really bad. With commercials like that, there’s no middle ground. I hope it’s really good. There hasn’t been a new semi-crude guy movie that I could quote at inappropriate times in a while. Ah, cheer up. How ‘bout a Fresca, hah? (JG Note: See?!)

Back from the break and we have “The Legend Killer” Randy Orton. So if you bet on “dead air,” then you owe someone some money. The J.R. anointed “Arrogant One” twirls a few times and then takes the microphone. Luckily, his twirling didn’t make him dizzy. One day, he’s going to twirl around, stop, then stumble, throw up, and fall down. Now that would be a Raw worth saving to DVD.

“Well, I have waited literally all night. I’ve waited all night. I’ve given Hulk Hogan plenty of time to show up, come to this ring, and face me like a man. where’s he at? You know if one word could describe Hogan’s decision on not showing up here tonight that word would be smart. Because Hogan knows best. He really does. Hogan knows that if he showed dup in this ring, if he faced the Legend Killer in this ring, the same thing would happen to him that’s happened to every other legend that’s crossed my path. Roll the tape.”
                                          - Randy Orton, 10:56pm

Video of Randy Orton - The Mega Mix. Hits include Harley Race, Moolah, Sgt Slaughter, Jake Roberts, Roddy Piper, Jerry Lawler, and Mick Foley. Curious that they didn’t use any footage of him fighting the Rock from the WrestleMania tag match. That would have been cool. Nevertheless, it was a good short-term memory video package that got the point across. Randy hates old people. Period.

Back in the ring, Mr. RKO decided to reveal a secret. It was you, Hulkster, that inspired Randy to become the Legend Killer. Know why? Because every night you did the same tired act. Every night you did the same ol’, same ol’ and all these people still cheered you!  Well, Orton made himself a promise early in life. That promise was that one day, he would be the man to kill Hulkamania. That day is coming. It’s Sunday. Sunday is Randall’s destiny. So make peace with reality, Hoagie. Because all it takes is one R.K.O. to…

At this point, Hulk Hogan’s music plays and he comes out. No, not Hulk Hogan. The fake Hulk Hogan. You remember him, don't ya? He was ever so funny last week.

Faux Hogan does the classic heel imposter lines. He tells The Legend Killer that he’ll be successful at SummerSlam and then delivers some poor comedy lines to no reaction. I mean total silence. It was bad. The segment had actually been good up until now. Hopefully someone could cue Hulk Hogan.

Cue Hulk Hogan.

Him?

Hulk Hogan is here and he’s limping his way to the ring! The irony here? Since WWE had just hotshotted Hogan’s theme music for the imposter a second ago, no one reacted when it played a second time. I guess they were afraid of being fooled again. Anyway, the Red and Yellow attack stumbles in between the ropes and right up the arrogant youngster. Randy opens up on him with punches and kicks, but Hulk’s same old act perseverance shines through and he beats the Legend Murderer out of the ring and up the aisle.

Back in the ring, Phony Hogan runs up behind the real one and mocks him for some reason. Then…it happened.

In one of the most anticlimactic exchanges in history, real Hulk attempted to whip the faker into the ropes for a big boot. Unfortunately, not only was the crowd dead silent, but Hulk I and Hulk II couldn’t get their timing down, and the imposter nearly fell on his face while bouncing off the ropes. When Hogan kicked him, it barely touched him and the audience just stared blankly. Ick.  Brutal with a capital B.

After some more slow-motion violence, Hulk tossed the Pretender to the outside and addressed Orton on the microphone. He chastised the youngster for insulting his family in front of the fans, his other “family.” Double H informs Ort that he’s got one question for him to ask himself before Sunday.

“Whatcha gonna do, brother, when the power of all these millions and millions of Hulkamaniacs run wild on you?”
                                      - Hulk Hogan, 11:06pm

The Hulkster poses for the crowd and shakes his head in faux disbelief while we fade to black.

All in all…This was a good show in that it did what it set out to do. We didn’t go in any radical weird directions or introduce bizarre stories. We simply were sold Sunday’s show and everything else WWE had for sale.

The Cena-Edge thing was done really well. It wasn’t too much and it wasn’t too little. A slap speaks volumes and does more than any cheesy gun angle or broken dining room table. While you have to jump out of reality to accept the fact that the WWE Champion committed a crime and had it captured on video tape. I mean, iisn’t that why the previous WWE Champion was suspended?

DX vs.The McMahons is tired. Old. Kaput. The addition of a new element has spiced it up though. I thought tonight’s McResource curveball was well played and helped to breathe life into the tedious tag encounter on Sunday. The only thing that may have been better would have been to hold off on naming Umaga as the back-up until the actual pay-per-view. It would have packed more of a punch. Either way, though, it works.

What doesn’t work? Non-title matches and run-ins after extended wrestling more than once in a show. All three male champions (WWE, IC, Tag) fought tonight. All three of them had non-title matches. The tag champs lost their contest while the other two had their matches end in clusterf**ks. During the Flair-Nitro match, I was a little irritated that they had it end with a run-in after such a solid match. It seemed like a waste and really tarnished the ending. Then again, I understood the need they had to do it to get over the PPV. Fine. That’s fine.

But then they did it again with the other champion! Edge and Carlito was a strong encounter that got the same treatment as the Flair-Nitro match. After a number of minutes in the ring, the ending took away from it all and left everyone with a bad taste in their mouths. At least one of those matches should have had a real ending.

Also, screw non-title.  Someone should have defended something against someone tonight. Don’t care who. Just someone.

The Hogan-Orton match isn’t being sold, per se. It’s being showcased. If anything, I’d say the buildup on TV is actually making me want to see this match less. In that respect, that’s pretty sad.

So Summerslam’s on Sunday. We’ll have live coverage right here on the site. Will you tune in? You might want to more after watching tonight’s show. The only question is - will you be happy or kicking yourself on Monday morning?