I guess Garfield threatened to torture Matt Hardy.   Either way, the soon-to-be Mrs. Red Machine rolls into Raw for the aftermath of last night's pay-per-view.   With Summerslam in the books, does Amy Dumas have a chance of getting out of her unholy marriage to Kane?     Will the split continue between Edge and Chris Jericho?    Can Eugene bounce back from last night's loss to the Cerebral Assassin Triple H?   Speaking of Hunter, can he hold his temper in check now that Evolutionary back-up singer Randy Orton has captured the World Championship?   What type of ramifications will this have on the entire brand?   Most importantly, will the wanna-be divas teach me to make some sort of dessert?   It's all packed together in one little Spikey package, so sit up and listen.   It's all about Raw.

August 16, 2004...London, Ontario

Raw Theme Plays.   You know what I miss?   The Coliseum Home Video openings from the '80s?   Remember the whole opening where they'd talk about how ancient man wrestled in acts of primal competition then they'd show clips of huge men pretending to punch each other?   It was kind of hard to see the connection.

Hey Dad, tonight's my first night as World Champion.   I'm nervous.

Just relax, Randy.   Remember to think positive and make sure you wear that pink cowboy hat I gave you.

I told you already.   I'm not wearing the hat.

Fine.   The least you could do is wear that fringed cowboy vest I gave you for graduation.

The Champ is here!   Randy Orton is front and center and there stands a World Champion.   He has the Triple H Commemorative Strap around his waist and there has to be something on his mind.   Gold balloons and Goldust-esque glittery confetti fall from the sky as he makes his approach.   Last night history was made and Orton has become the youngest WWE World Champion in history.   Ort soaks up the reaction and tells the crowd that while they may cheer tonight, they didn’t last night.   People doubted Young Randall.   They said he didn't have what it takes to become Champ.   Well, looky here - after all the pain he suffered last night - the Legend Killer stands before you with the Heavyweight gold.   With that, he reminds us of his age and asks that all the other 24 year old men stand up.   The camera pans different men standing.   He then asks those men to take off their shirts.   Again, the camera pans the please-put-me-on-TV men, making many feel better about their own appearance in comparison.   Look at the difference.   Orton claims to be leaps and bounds above the "average state of the 24 year old male."   This isn't limited to Canada either, eh.   It's all over the place.   Randy reigns supreme.   He's better looking and is just plain better.   At this point, he leans over the rope and into the camera.   Watch this segment again.   Randy Orton has fangs.   Seriously, like Gangrel-type fangs.   It was pretty scary.   Vampire boy concedes that many called his win a fluke last night.   It wasn't a fluke, though.   It was destiny.   Don't believe it?   Watch this promo video.

Promo Video of:   Randy Orton's rise to fame and title win.   Believe it yet?   You better or else Randy will bite your neck and suck your blood.

Now that should prove it to you.   Orton's here to set things straight.   There may have been others before him, but Randall is in a league all his own.   He informs us that we need to get used to his face, suits, and title reign because his era has just begun.   Not if Chris Benoit has anything to say about it…

Chris Benoit is here and he's got something on his mind.   Randy may have gotten a handshake last night, but that was then and this is now.   Now, Benoit is calling for his rematch.   There's a rematch clause in the fake contract and Chris has the right to challenge.   Orton offers him a shot down the line, but is rebuked.   No go, buddy boy.   C.B. just came from Eric Bischoff's office and he got the green light for a title match…tonight!   Crowd pops big because it's a match announced for tonight as opposed to next week.   They boo next week stuff and cheer this week stuff.   It all makes sense now.   We have a match tonight, so gear up.   Benoit meets Orton for the World Title.   Why invisible Eric Bischoff allowed a title rematch so soon was never explored, but we're not supposed to care about stuff like that.   Just watch the commercials.   Consume.   Consume.   Consume.

Commercial Break.   With Joe Schmo finished, it's good to know that Spike TV can just play the CSI commercial incessantly again.  

This will be an "All or Nothing Match."   If Rhyno wins, he and Tajiri get a title shot at Unforgiven.   If he loses, they never get a title shot again.   It seems like a lot of fuss over a title that wasn't important enough to be defended at Summerslam, no?

(1) Rhyno pinned Rob Conway after the Gore to gain a tag title shot at Unforgiven   Why does WWE have an overtly Anti-American tag team feuding with a guy from Japan and a guy from Detroit?   Is there any backstory to this?   I know they're feuding because they've been wrestling each other for weeks, but why not cut down some of the ring time and throw in an interview or angle?   Have Tajiri leave green mist on their flag.   Let Rob Conway go to a bar, speak badly about Detroit, and get beaten up by an eavesdropping Rhyno.   Something.   Anything.   With the amount of time these two teams have gotten in their conflict, it only makes sense.   The only good point is that these guys can put on a fairly good match and did so.   The finale saw Conway run to fetch the flag for interference and find himself the victim of Tajiri's green spit.   He stumbles and Rhyno spears him for the win.   Unforgiven. - La Resistance defends against the Tajinos.   Oh, it's awn.

We go to a shot of Lita and Kane's wedding invitation, which was great.   In traditional marital style, the invite is decked out and slow music plays in the background while Kane reads aloud.   We are all invited to attend.    Eric Bischoff gives an early wedding gift and grants Kane an Intercontinental Title match.   In case you're stuck for a gift, they're registered at Bloomingdale's and Hell.

Commercial Break.   Eddie Guerrero tells me to "catch the buzz."   Seriously, he said that.

Last night, Matt Hardy took on a heroic task as he fought to defend the honor of the woman he loves….and failed like a frail little girl.  

Obviously upset over her new bestowment, Lita is in no mood for a Sunday Night Heat announce reunion when the Coach runs up.   Yo, Lita, how do you feel about having to marry Kane?   Sucks, right?   Huh?   Sucks?   She wishes to be left alone and pushes open a door marked "Women's Locker Room."  

Surprise!

She enters to find all the bad girls on WWE's payroll laying in wait for a surprise shower.   High above hangs a banner reading "Congratulations Lita and Kane."   The girls got together to give you some gifts.   What followed was pretty damn funny.   According to the resident leader of the catty girls, Trish, the presents are from everyone:

Molly Holly:   "Well Lita, since you like to sleep around so much, I got you something you could really use.   First, there's birth control pills and of course condoms."   This prompts all the Divas to sing "Trojan Man."   Molly was great here and showed timing that I didn't think she had.   She really made me laugh with the "since you like to sleep around" line.  

Gail Kim:   Presents a picture of Kane holding Leets against the turnbuckle before forcing his tongue down her throat.   Holding the portrait with Lita's pained expression so prominent, Kim says "Oh, it's their first kiss."    She then presents a doctored photo of Kane's face on a baby.   Again, good stuff.   Gail did more character development in three sentences than she's done in six months.

Jazz: She gives the futre Mrs. Kane a box that's vibrating and tells her that it's her own personal Big Red Machine.   I think this is the most I've ever heard Jazz speak at once.

Afterwards, ringleader Stratus laughs, playing her role as upperclassmen girl from Dazed and Confused.   (JG Note:   You want a more updated reference?   She's the girl that would harasses Lindsey Lohan in one of her movies.)   Annoyed by the scene, Lita turns and leaves, but Trish follows.   In the hallway, Victoria meets up with the evil Trish.   Strats insults Vicki's dodge ball ability (JG Note:   Them's fightin' words.)   "Who's your coach?" She asks, "Stevie Wonder?"   This is kind of funny considering that Trish was portrayed as the team's coach.   Toria slaps her and abruptly we cut to commercials.   Without a doubt, this was the best and most productive diva segment they've done in a very long time.

Commercial Break.   Next week Shawn Michaels comes back.   Next week Kane gets married.   Do the math.

"I'm going to love this one.   And I'm gonna love telling you that tonight, Raw is being brought to you live by fruity, delicious, delicious, fruity, fruity, fruity Skittles!"

- Jerry Lawler, 9:38pm

That's some pretty friggin' fruity candy.   Gail and Victoria are here to do the thing.   So, put down your fruity, fruity, candy and watch this.

(2) Victoria pinned Gail Kim after the Widow's Peak

Victoria strips off a pants suit when she comes through the curtain.   Why is she searching for something new when crazy worked so well?   Dancing didn't work.   Forcing children to kiss you didn't work.   Smiling constantly didn't work.   Crazy worked.   Just do crazy.   I was happy that they did the preceding Diva skit, but this match was a poor way to follow it up.   It ran on a bit long and lacked any real purpose.   Tonight would have been the ideal night to leave the women's division without a match.   Rather, they should have given us the baby shower thing and the slap and left it be for a week.   Following up so quickly with a dragged out match between two women we just saw didn't really do much for the cause.   They did an OK job, but nothing that made you remember much of it.   The uninspired finish saw Vicki kick Gail in the midsection and land the Widow's Peak.   It was quite inspiring, if you were still awake.   The final bell wasn't the end though.

Trish and Tyson Tomko show up and they go right after Victoria.   The Ty Man holds her while Strats gets in a revenge slap.   Following this, TomCo. picks her up and prepares to splatter Vicki all over the canvas.   Thankfully she's saved by Steven Richards in drag, although we're not supposed to know it.   We all know it.   He's done it before.   We watch the show.   We get it.   (JG Note:   Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler can't figure out who "that woman" is.    A grown man   - a professional wrestler, no less - is standing mid ring and Lawler wonders if it's Lita at first.   There's playing dumb and then there's playing brain-dead.)   This ends flat while the "woman" leaves the ring.

Up next... Eric Bischoff's IC Title shot present to Kane.   Bisch's gift-giving has fallen off.   Six years ago, he was giving out WCW Title Reigns.

Commercial Break.   This Snickers ad where the kid becomes president is one of the weakest candy bar pitches I've ever seen.   Whatever happened to the gorilla that ate all the peanuts for Payday?   Payday is almost totally nuts!

(3)   Intercontinental Champion Edge pinned Kane after a Spear

Remember when Kane didn't talk?   You take away the voice box and mask and you can't shut him up.   Before the action got underway, the Big Red Groom took the microphone and dedicated the match to his fiancée.   Jim Ross calls it repulsive.   Some women might think it's sweet.   These two did their thing for a little while, but when Lita came to ringside, everything changed.   The Monster strived to impress his imprisoned love and took it to Edge.   The two went back and forth for a bit in front of a fairly pro-Edge crowd.   It wouldn't be a title match without a ref bump, so the ref goes down and the finale winds up.   Kane-o prepares for a choke slam, but Amy grabs his boot.   He jaws with her and turns to face Edge.   Undaunted, Big Red lands a big boot and prepares once again for his finisher.   It's a no-go, as Matt Hardy Version What the Hell Are You Doing Here rushes in and attacks his adversary, laying him out with a Twist of Fate.   Lita smiles and the E-Man runs in for a Spear.   Three seconds later, Kane loses and Hardy is nowhere to be found.

Incensed by this action, the Marrying Monster approaches his woman and leads her by the hand and into the ring.   Leets complies.   The announcers aren't worried about her safety since she's pregnant with Kane's baby and he wouldn't jeopardize that.    (JG Note:   I can see how he can't hit her in the stomach or slam her on the ground, but can't he bite her or stick pushpins in her eyes?   Isn't he evil Kane?   Isn't he the guy who figured out the whole jumper cables on the jewels trick?   Use some imagination, Red.)   Mic in hand, Kane tells her that after their matrimony, they can consummate the marriage, evoking a slap from Lita.   This caused a grin to appear on the face of the monster.   He claimed that he liked it that way and said it would be a hell of a honeymoon.   The crowd cheered his rape threat and the pyro took us to a commercial.

Commercial Break.   The Spiderman Game tells me that I can go anywhere.   That's kind of a broad promise.   I always wanted to go to Australia.   Will my $49.99 make that happen?  

It's wannbe-Diva time.   (JG Note: I feel like they keep these girls in a little room and torture them between Raws.)   Today's Diva game is a bit different.   Rather than letting the hopefuls make fools of themselves on television, they can sell each other out on television.   Who would you vote off if you could?   The wanna-divas were posed the question and voted via pretaped video.   Everyone, with the exception of Carmella, voted for Carmella.   One girl even said that her friends called Carmella a "Dishrag."   The common complaint is that she didn't want it and didn't care about winning as much as others.   It was really strange watching each one call this woman out and hearing the crowd react to each stinging speech.   When they get up to Carmella, she says it's hard to talk negative about anyone, (which was funny as hell considering that everyone else just verbally bludgeoned her repeatedly) but calls out Joy for having a husband and family, citing true devotion and family values as a liability.   The next-to-last fake Diva, Amy, has her speech prepared like a Reading Rainbow book report.   She says that Carmella made fun of wrestlers and didn't care about proving herself to the audience.   The consensus is that everyone hates Carmella.   That doesn't matter though, all that matters is the random votes of people online, and Michelle is sent home.   Michelle, we hardly knew you.   Actually, we didn't know you at all.   Peace.   You're outta here.  

"Listen, Y2J, we love you here at WWE and everything.   We know you have a band.   While, we would let you sing the Raw Theme Song, it could present a conflict of interest considering that you're a featured performer on the show.   Seriously, that's the only reason we don't have you do it.   Well, that and the fact that you can't sing.   Other than that, we'd totally let you do it."

(4)   Chris Jericho defeated Batista via disqualification when Ric Flair interfered

I joke about Jericho's singing, but as a performer he can hold his own.   It's his hot and cold phases that are ultimately hurting his character.   To go up and down the ladder as often as he has, Y2J+4 is seen more often as an afterthought rather than a World Title threat.   In fact, earlier tonight when Randy Orton was going on about being the youngest World Champion ever, I thought about other workers that have bragging rights that others don't.   I remembered Jericho and how he was the first Unified Champion.   Then I thought of how little such an amazing feat ended up meaning to him and his spot.   It's really a shame and one that can be easily corrected if they just gave him a steady direction and went with it.   This whole three-way feud with Edge and Batista may have some legs though.   If Edge ends up turning and becoming an Evolutionary partner to Tista, Chris may find himself in a main level feud.   Then again, let's not guess ahead quite yet.   Remember when Maven and Mark Jindrak were all but a green light away from putting on Paid, Laid, and Made shirt?   The King of Bling Bling picked up the win, but at a cost.   It was Ric Flair grabbing his leg as he went for a Lionsault that caused a disqualification.

Following the official contest, Ric and Batista hammered the Canadian.   This prompted the familiar music of Jericho's non-friend Edge!   The IC Champ   tries to get into the ring, but is held back by Ric Flair's blazer.   Naitch swings it over the ropes and the Edgeman backs away as if it were a killer bee.   Eventually, he leaves the area, forcing all to wonder how he could dessert his estranged buddy Chris Jericho.   Is this retribution for CJ leaving Edge to face Tista's wrath last week?   Uh…Duh.   With the other long haired Canadian out of the way, Batista lifts Y2J and slams him down into a power bomb.

Commercial Break.   Taco Bell has decided that the best selling point of its Chicken Quesidilla is that it's "portable."   That can't be a good sign.

Let's bring out the Wanna-Divas again.   This time they spin around in bathing suits, with their voting phone numbers on the bottom of the screen.   You know what?   If they limited to Diva thing to the opening segment and cut out this parade at the end of the show, it wouldn't seem so bad.   Why not just flash their phone numbers when they do their shtick earlier in the night?   At any given time, there's a woman in a bikini or less somewhere on cable.    I don't need to sit through this when I pay for Cinemax.

Triple H meets up with Randy Orton in the locker room.   It seems that the new Champion is nervous about the night.   This forces out a Triple H pep talk.   Buck up, little camper.   This is your time to shine.   That belt means everything.   Ric Flair didn't even win that strap until he was 31.   You're 24!   It's your time, Randy.   Go out there and show the world what you can do.   Go out there and be Randy Orton.   Triple ends his strange confidence boost by saying "Evolution is your solution. " (JG Note:   Yeah, Conjunction Junction… what's your function?)   Randall is pleased as punch and Hunter has once again brought a smile to the face of his fellow man.   All is right in the world.

Commercial Break.   Mugging People is my Anti-Drug.

(5) World Champion Randy Orton pinned Chris Benoit after the RKO

The first night of young Orton's title reign and he's out there defending against the man that he defeated at Summerslam, Chris Benoit.   Jim Ross says that Ort might have the shortest title reign in history.   I thought Andre held it for 43 seconds.   Are we not counting pre-WWE stuff?   I thought it was all the same now.   My head hurts.   Nevermind.   I'm with you, JR - shortest reign in history.   Sure.   You got it.    This match really meant a lot to the future of Randy's run and fell short in many ways, especially with the finish.   While he earned his spot and wrestled a good match last night, Randy ultimately looked like a fluke win over the more experienced Crippler.   Tonight was the night to disprove that and they didn't.   My favorite line of the match was with both men down on the canvas, Jim Ross says that Benoit can not win by countout.   (JG Note:   He should also mention that no one in the last twenty years can win by that kind of countout.   Honestly, how many in-ring countouts have you seen?)   Overall, this one wasn't on par with last night's performance, but that's understandable.   They were here to tell a different story…and do it on free TV.   The story was about Evolution.   As the 11:00 hour hit, Benoit locked Randy into the Crippler Crossface and appeared intent on securing a submission.   Randall rolled around, but kept finding himself stuck in the center of the ring.   With a World Title win all but locked up, Chris released the hold and instead went to fight off Evolution members Batista, Flair, and Triple H, who had all rushed to ringside.   This opening gives the 24 year old another cheap fluke-like win, as he grabs a distracted Wolverine and lands the RKO for the pinfall.

After the official word, the Evolvers join their young Champ in the ring and they all take turns hugging him.   A touched Randy is almost in tears as his brothers crowd him and hold up his hand as a token of respect.  Deacon Dave even leans down to lift the Legendary One on his shoulders.   Hunter applauds and shoots him the double thumbs up.   It's such an emotional scene until the Game's smile fades.   His thumbs start to turn downward and Orton, perched on Tista's torso, widens his eyes and sees the plan that is about to unfold.   Trippy tells Leviathan to do it "now."

Batista drops backwards, causing Randall to plunge down to the mat.   Hunter pounces, slamming his fists into his former protégé's head.    After removing his jacket and circling the ring, Gameboy grasps the championship and orders his remaining menservants to hold up the pretender to his throne.   In classic bad-guy mode, Hunt holds Randy's head and talks smack into his face.   The crowd reacts fairly big to all this and it's genuinely a surprise considering how the Evolution relationship had been portrayed all night.   The beatings continue until Orton is bloodied and helpless.   Davey Boy Tista lifts him up and slams him down with a Powerbomb.    Then, as a final kicker, the suddenly-shirtless Triple H slaps his face and lands a Pedigree.   The H-Man stands over his bloodied ex-friend with the Championship in hand.   The first night of Randy Orton's World Title Reign ends with Triple H holding the title while we fade to black.   Choke on that.

All in all…This whole show switched in the last five minutes.   I didn't expect the Randy Orton Evolutionary Eviction to happen so soon.   I seriously had no idea.   In fact, while taking notes for this week's Insanity, I said that I understand that Orton can't turn so quickly and agree with it.   Then they do it.   Too soon?   Yeah.   Too soon.   The visual was memorable and the moment definitely got a reaction rather than a random fade to black, but so soon after winning the Championship, Ort needed to do some connecting with the crowd before testing the water as a baby face.   Talk about swim or sink.

It was the classic WWE foreshadowing that less is more.   In my original assessment of Triple H and Randy Orton's confrontation, I   mentioned how there was no reaction of jealousy whatsoever on Hunter's part.   There was no leers and hidden glares.   It was a straight-up pep talk and seemed almost out of character.   In the end, it served its purpose and made the Randy beat down all the more surprising.

The only thing that really gets me is that Hunter is the same guy that played mental ping-pong with Eugene for weeks because he thought that he could help him regain his Championship.   While tt was a failed plan, it was a plan nonetheless.   Now, he has with the World Champion in his hip pocket, thinking they're buddies, and he decides that the best course of action is to beat him up?   Some Cerebral Assassin.   Let the mind games begin!

The follow-up to the Diva reset was done well enough to give some stability to the division.   The surprise Lita baby shower held by Trish Stratus was one of the best female roster segments I've seen in a very long time.   Each woman had a chance to project a character and play a part.   It was catty and snide, everything they should push the women's division to be.

The rest of the night came off as filler to an extent.   We had another Batista beat down, only with Edge and Jericho playing different roles from last week.   Rhyno and Conway did their thing yet again.   With Chris Benoit and Randy Orton being given nearly 25 minutes, the rest of the card was a moot point and it showed.   The whole point was to sell you next week's marriage and Heartbreak comeback, but you also got something meaningful on the show.   Whether you wanted it so soon or not is another question altogether.

Well, get your gift and join me next week for Lita's wedding.   There won't be a dry eye in the house.   Our little Kane is growing up.   It seems like just yesterday that he couldn't be intimate with Torrie because he had a burnt package.   Now, he's going to have a kid.   You may call that a logic hole, but we call it growing up.   Congrats, Kane.   See you   next week.

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