SummerSlam is over and we're on the road to The Survivor Series...which is the road to the Royal Rumble...a.k.a. the road to WrestleMania.   So, in other words, we're like two blocks away from WrestleMania.   Good deal.    That's roughly the same neighborhood.   So gear up, buckle your belt, and grab the ol' clutch.   Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler are ready to take you to Knuckle Junction.   We kick things off with the man who used Rebecca Michaels like a second hand Big Bossman WWF Wrestling Buddy.

Chris Jericho shows up and steps into the ring. Right off the bat, he's not taking any blame for what happened last night.   No way, Jose.   What happened was, you know, an act of God or something.   Hey, not even that.   There's actually is someone who deserves blame for that Nitro Girl's boo-boo.   Who, you ask?

"I did not put Shawn Michaels' wife in harm's way.   He did...and here's the proof."
- Chris Jericho

Video Package of Shawn Michaels who, from the looks of things, is having hair removed from the top of his head and pasted onto his face.   Shawn tries to retire.   Jericho tries to hit him.   Shawn moves and his wife takes a fist to the face.

The Canadian Lady Puncher soaks up some jeers before continuing.

"Shawn Michaels knew exactly what he was doing when he stepped into this ring last night. He knew he was walking away. He knew he was announcing he was done for good and instead of doing things in a classy way - making his announcement by sending in a letter of resignation or a video - he had to do things the HBK way. He wanted to see his name in lights one more time. Shawn Michaels' Big Announcement is what it said on the marquee at SummerSlam. He wanted to come out and placate his ego one last time. See all of your faces. Hear all of your cheering. Watch you as you begged him and pleaded with him to lease not give up. Shawn, please don't go home. Shawn, please don't give up. And as a result all of you are responsible for what happened to Rebecca Michaels as well. You should be ashamed of yourselves for that."

- Chris Jericho

In the end, Chris puts the blame on the Boy Toy's shoulders. He just had to show some humility and admit that he was quitting because of Jericho. He couldn't do that so boom. Rebecca ate a right hand. Now, as you lay at home like a goon, know that you ended your career on your Half Broken Knees, cradling your wife's head. That's right. Your legacy is tarnished and you need to live with that until you become worm food. Your family does too. Oh...and the kicker? You deserved it. Yup.  The fans may chant your name, but you know the truth. You had it coming. It's HBKarma, beeotch.

On that note, Chris Jericho slowly walks from the ring and up the aisle -- sending us to a commercial.

Commercial Break Our stroll down SummerSlam Memory Lane begins with year two and the intro to SummerSlam 1989.

Next Monday, Raw is on the Sci-Fi network.   They call it a "special edition" because that sells better than "Raw: They Like Us Better Than The Dog Show, But Not Tennis."

1.   Batista pinned Paul Burchill after the Batista Bomb

Burchill was in the ring when Dave showed up and introed while Batista's music was still playing.   That sucks.   I can just picture Paul backstage saying, "Hey...uh, you guys still have that pirate costume lying around?   No?   How about a fireman?   Plumber?   Rooster?   PLEASE!   I'm drowning here!"   In all seriousness, Pirate Paul is a solid talent.   They just haven't found who he truly is yet.   Until they do, he'll be doing Omar Atlas duty to guys like D.J. Whiney Hiney.   The Animal finished off Mister Sister with the Batista Bomb.

We shoot backstage.  Mike Adamle is in the interview area, but he's not really an interviewer.   He's the General Manager and he's got a new person to manage...generally.   He's proud to introduce the newest member of the Raw roster...Primo Colon.   Prince Adamle explains that Primo is the brother of missing WWE wrestler Carlito.   (JG Note: That's right.   Primo Colon is the brother of Carlito Cool.   Now, I may not be Sherlock Friggin' Holmes over here, but  one of these guys is lying.)   Primito walks in to the scene.  He's dressed like Kerwin White, but doesn't get one word in.   Adamle notices John Cena walk by and blows off the newcomer.  He leaves Coolon all by his lonesome and chases after the Champ.

When he reaches Cena, he apologizes to him for what happened last night. Sorry, toolbox. But hey. Mikey wants to give you a heads up on your match tonight. John doesn't care though. Heads up? J.C. don't need no stinking heads up. He has more important people to talk to than you, jerky.

Now it's Adamle who's left behind as Johnny runs up to Dave Batista and shows a bit of class.

"It was a great match last night....The better man won."
- John Cena

The two shake hands and The Marine offers a follow-up.

"But that was last night."
- John Cena

Aw snap.

Commercial Break. They could have made a fortune selling those punching bags.

Jillian "This Is Getting Older Than The Mole Gimmick" Hall is here and she takes the time to sing the Soviet National Anthem...wait.   No.   I was thinking Nikolai Volkoff.   She actually sings "Inspiration" and she sings it poorly.   Get it?   That's the joke.   She sings poorly.   There's so many things you can do with a gimmick like that.  Let's list them all, shall we?   OK.  She can, uh, sing poorly before matches.   The end.   Great gimmick.

2. Mickie James and Kelly Kelly defeated Katie Lea Burchill and Jillian Hall.

Having Katie in this match makes things even scarier for Paul Burchill.   Once they pull your diva manager and have her get title matches while you get squashed, you're in a bit of trouble.   (Essa Rios Note:  Ay Carumba!) As for the women involved here, you have to tip your hat to Kelly Kelly.   She's improved so much since her debut.   Watching her flip and sell makes you forget how limited she was at first.   Jazz, in her ClubWWI.com shoot, even gave the great soundbite, "It's not Kelly Kelly's fault that she sucks."   That was nine months ago.   Since then, she's definitely improved.   Out of all women involved, Mickie James shines as always.   She covered for some awkward bumps with Katie and really laid it in.   By the time we were a few minutes in, the match was going great.   The crowd was hot and the action was fast.   The finish was good too.   Katie came up behind Mickie and rolled her up for the pin.   Again awkwardly, Burchill grabbed a handful of James's tights, but failed to hold her down.   It looked like it was supposed to be a finish at first.   Just as you start to think they would just redo the spot, Mick hooks Kate and plants her with a DDT.   Three seconds later and its K.L.B. doing the J.O.B.  

Really good match here.   After the bell, the winning girls hold hands and hug and all that.    That's so you think of sex.   You horny bastard.

Commercial Break. Undertaker vs. Shattered Glass Undertaker.

Later Tonight: John Cena vs. Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes.  

3. John Bradshaw Layfield defeated Jamie Noble via T.K.O.

Jamie Noble has made out really good on Raw.   He's got Chuck Palumbo blown out of the water.   He may not be getting any wins, but he's getting seen and showing what he can do.   In this match, he did just that.   Right off the bat, he ran rings around the Acolyte.   It lasted for a minute or so, but then Layfield turned it around.   Jerry Lawler referred to John as "The Quintessential Bully."   In this match, he was right.   JBL opened up on the smaller Noble and didn't let up.   He landed about 300 elbow drops and then turned him inside out with his Clothesline From Hell.   Match over?   Not quite.   Bradshaw followed up with a short arm clothesline.   As The King called for the beating to end from his announce table, Johnny B.L. did just that.   He covered Jamie.   The ref counted one...two...

...and then stopped.   He called for the bell and declared that he felt Jamie has suffered enough.   He ended the match and named JBL the winner.   Why didn't he just hit the mat once more?   Who knows?   Are you the referee?   No?   Well, then shut up.

Up next: Shane McMahon and Stephanie McMahon have a "Blockbuster Announcement."   I haven't gone to Blockbuster Video in a while.   I wonder if their announcement has anything to do with that.

Commercial Break. Prophetic commercial you made there, Vinnie Mac.

Mike Adamle steps out and says hello to Chi-Town.   He has some announcements to make.   First of all.  Later tonight, Chicago's C.M. Punk will battle Chris Jericho.  People cheer. 

And now, speaking of World Championship, Shane and Stephanie McMahon have compelled him to announce that at Unforgiven, "a new WWE Championship concept will be presented."

Five Wrestlers - including the World Champion - in a 20 minute match.   Once the bell rings, anyone can score a pinfall on anyone else.   The one who does that becomes champion until another pinfall happens.   This goes on and on until the match is over.   The one who is champion at the end will be the recognized Titleholder.   Got it?   No?   Are you the General Manager?   No?   Well, then you know what you should do.

The participants for this incredibly original 24/7 Hardcore Battle Royal with five guys and no weapons match are: C.M. Punk, Kane, John Bradshaw Layfield, Batista, and John Cena.

The match's name?  

The Championship Scramble.   (JG Note: They got the name from a Denny's breakfast menu.)

That's that.   So gear up for Unforgiven.   I'm not really sure what to make of this concept yet.  I think they might well with it, but there's always that chance they won't.   Hey - Triple H isn't in it.   So yay for that, right?
-

Also, you gotta love how they showed a graphic of the McKids before the break and then didn't have them show up.   They should do that with every commercial break.   Just show pics of random people.   Pop up a graphic of the Bradgelina twins and just scream, "Don’t ya dare change that channel!"   That's money, baby.

World Tag Champs Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes hit the ring.   They wait for John Cena to arrive, but instead Cryme Time shows up.   Shad and JTG steal their Tag Team Titles and run off.    What will they do with them?   They should break it with a hammer.   In the old days, people used to break titles with hammers.   Anyway, Teddy and Cody aren't happy with this turn of events.   They have no choice though.   Man-at-Poop is on the way and its go time.

4. John Cena defeated Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes via STFU submission on Rhodes.

I'm never a fan of having the tag champions on the winning side of a handicap match.   I think back to Batista, La Resistance, and that damn flag pole.   In the case of Rhodes and DiBiase, it's somewhat easier to take.   They're so young that just having them in situations like this gets them over ten fold.   The more time that Ted and Cody can clock in the ring with guys like Cena the better.   We haven't yet reached the point where losing would hurt them.   They not only worked the match with John, they even had the offense for a solid amount of it.   I've said it before, but Ted DiBiase is a great talent.   Obviously with breeding like his, its somewhat expected.   But in the case of some second or third gen stars, it's impossible to live up to the hype.  I think Ted will.   Heck, Rhodes probably will too.   At one point, things got weird and it became obvious that Code forgot the spot.   He threw some weak forearms and then placed his face on John's face so he could get some instructions.   It was pretty strange.   It was as if their heads had magnets in them that were suddenly pulled together.   As the momentum shifted, you almost forgot to listen to the commentary.   If you did, you'd miss even more insanity.   Like what?   Like when Cena bounces off the ropes with a flying forearm and Michael Cole calls it "the ground and pound of Cena."  Wow.   I'm starting to think that Cole isn't really there.   They just a soundtrack like on the Smackdown vs. Raw video games.   (Michael Cole Note: Jericho is back from Beverly Hills!)   In the end, The Million Dollar American Dreams - like that?   Huh? - ended up on the losing end.   The Marine locked in his Step Over Toehold Cross Face...err...Umbrella onto Codedust and scored the tap.

Commercial Break. One Summer in China.

Harley Race is at ringside.   You know Harley, right?   He's on ClubWWI.com too.

Video Recap of Shawn Michaels and Chris Jericho from last night.  Jericho accidentally punched Shawn's wife Rebecca in the face.   Michaels fell to the ground, held his wife, and whispered in her ear - "Honey!   Honey!   Can you hear me?   I'm so sorry this happened...but I did warn you what God would have happen to you if you don't empty the dishwasher.   Didn't I?!   Praise him.  Praise him!"

Last night, after Summerslam, Michael Cole actually caught up to The Boy Toy and ol' Crooked Mouth.   He asked how they were doing and they looked at him like he was a putz before walking off...

...and then walking back.

The frowning couple returned to stand next to Coleslaw all sad-like.   In a teary accent, Shawn says that he's going home to care for his wife and children...who just saw their mother get punched in the face because of him.   Great job.  Way to go, dad.   Nice beard, ya nitz.

Backstage Todd Grisham welcomes C.M. Punk.   The Champion tells Grisham that Chris Jericho is a low down dirty snake.   He wants to talk smack and not be held accountable for his actions.   Well, in Chicago, they don't play that.   They have their own brand of justice...and pizza.   Yum.

Commercial Break. How dare you make poor Jim Ross scream like that and lose his voice. What? You heard me.

5.   D-Lo Brown defeated Santino Marella via disqualification.

Have I mentioned that D-Lo Brown has been on ClubWWI.com too?   He even hosted the Lo-Down.    Oh.   I have?   OK.   Well, he did.   Kofi Kingston sat at ringside for this and talked about his desire to win the I.C. Title.   I have to be honest, and this won't be popular, but I'm not a fan of putting the Intercontinental Strap on Marella right now.   He's had a rough few months and his reign actually brings the strap's prestige down a bit.   Great Glamorella gimmick notwithstanding, I think it was a bit early to give him the Championship following his losing streak - which included Jimmy Kimmel's Cousin Sal.   Even in this match, his goose was cooked.   Brown looked to have it all sewn up when heset him up for the Frog Splash, but was stopped when Beth Phoenix stood in the way.   D-Lo dropped down and told her to "Get to stepping" twice.   She responded with a stinging slap which caused the ref to call for the bell.   Slap a wrestler.   Go to jail, esse.

This enrages the Headbobber and he turns his attention to Beth.   Showing his chivalry, Santino removes his lady from the situation and steps in to deal with Brown's anger.   How does he do this?   By getting his arse kicked.   D-Lo knocks him silly and send him scurrying from the ring.  Mama mia!   Pizzeria!   Daddy's doin' diarrhea!

Up next - Dean Cain.   I think.   Sorry.   I wasn't really paying attention.

Commercial Break. The Heartbreak Kid vs. The Orange Older Gentleman.

So let me get this right?   I tortured Rey Mysterio.   I scarred him and I raped him.

Oh well.   You tortured and scarred him.   You didn't rape him.   Read the sheet again.

Well, can I rape him?

No.   We'd rather you...

I WANNA RAPE HIM!

Kane shows up and he's got something to say about all the insanity in his life right now.  From there, he proceeds to deliver a promo with the old school red lighting in the arena the whole time.   (JG Note:  You know, like he used to have back when he first debuted.  It was like watching an entire match on the Nintendo Virtual Boy.) He then explains the next chapter of his weird-ass career.   It involves Rey Mysterio...who you haven't seen in six weeks.   Know why?   No?  Well, you don't wanna.

"He's a slithering little slime who hides behind a mask. He's that fly in the room that contaminates everything it touches. He's like a fungus that grows in the marshes of your psyche. Six weeks ago in a parking lot, I figuratively eviscerated Rey Mysterio but I spared his life. Rey is still alive but his spirit is broken, crushed, dead, ha ha ha. Is he alive? Ha! Ha! Or is he dead? Ha ha ha ha."

- Kane

God help us all.

For this entire promo, we get a close up of what appears to be a piece of food stuck in Kane's teeth.   It was either food, a cavity, or a fly.   Now sure which.   Either way, it was distracting.   As the monster laughs, a different theme song plays out.  

It's Batista.   His arrival signals the end of the red lights.   The brights come on as the Animal comes out to avenge his kidnapped...and possibly raped friend.   He doesn't do so well with it though.   Instead of pounding the Big Red Machine, he himself ends up pounded.   With the D.J. down and out, the BrotherTaker takes his leave.

Gotta be honest.   Not loving this thing at all.   Anytime Kane is involved with something outside the arena, it's a bad sign.   Ever since Paul Bearer ended up in the manhole, it's been all downhill.

Commercial Break. You know what? I was his Papi the whole time.

Reply to: y2J@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-08-18, 10:38PM EDT

Long wrestling tights.   Large lot.   Used.   Somewhat sweaty but still in wearable condition.   Decided to wear short trunks to help get taken seriously.   Asking $45 or best offer.

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

6. Chris Jericho pinned C.M. Punk after the Codebreaker.
-

Both of these guys are at the top of their respective games right now.   On one hand, you have the best heel in wrestling right now.   On the other, you have an underdog story with a cult following.   It makes you wonder why they would put this match on television, but in this case, it's okay. You have to figure that Chris is going to play out his Michaels issues for a while so there are no immediate plans to make a Punk program happen.   Who knows what tomorrow might bring?   Plus the outcome here set up future possibilities between the two.  Lance Cade, in his pink button up shirt, stood at ringside for his...um, friend, Chris Jericho in this one.   He watched as the King of Bling Bling put the hurt on the Champion with a variety of submission holds.   It wasn't just Chris that had the advantage though.   Punk responded with some offense of his own.   The match was much more methodical than some casual fans may like, but it was what it was.   With an even exchange between both men, you didn't know when the finish would come.   Jericho hit an Asai moonsault.   C.M. nailed an underhook backbreaker.   Nothing.   There were nearfalls galore.   It lead to a slow build for a "C.M. Punk" chant and, by the time Lionheart locked in his "Walls of Jericho," it seemed like the Champion was done. (JG Note:   It was a Boston Crab.   I hate how that move went from sick looking to being a name given to a regular ol' move.   It's a Boston Crab!   You're not from Boston.   You don't get to rename it!)   The Champ fought on though.  When Cade jumped on the apron, the Punker went after him.   Jerri-Curl ran in from behind, knocked them into each other, and hit the Codebreaker for the pinfall.  Ding.  Ding.  Ding. Congrats, Champ.   You win about one in three on TV.   You rule.

Chris Jericho holds his neck and walks off as we fade to black.

All in all...This wasn't so great.  The whole thing was much ado about nothing.

They tease the McMahons and deliver Mike Adamle.   Adamle delivers a new match concept that seems far from ground-breaking.   If anything, hearing Mike speak of how the title can change hands many times in one match makes most fans cringe.   That's what we need.   One of these guys to be an 18 time champion.   So much for Ric Flair's record.   Might as well cheese our way past that mark with tainted counts.

Then again, they might not do it at all.   They might just do one guy win the title.   Who knows?   Are you Freddie Prinze Jr.?   No?   Then you don't know.

How the hell did Kane kidnap Rey Mysterio six weeks ago?   No one noticed?   What about Dominic?   He didn't notice that his dad was missing?   Great kid you got there, Mysterio.  

This whole Kane thing is not something I'm looking forward to.   I've been burned - pun intended - too many times on Big Red Bombs.   It's not even May 19^th and it's all happening again!

C.M. Punk is not an example of how to get a champion over with casual fans.   Losses mean a lot to Johnny Come-Every-Few-Mondays.   The problem with Punk is that most casual fans think, "Yo.   Why doesn't Batista just kill that guy and take his belt?"   Getting pinned by Chris Jericho doesn't help that cause.

Kelly Kelly is improving.   Paul Burchill is screwed.   Kane had spinach in his teeth.   I miss Umaga.   That's about it.   See you next week!

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