Did you rent your tux? Did you pick up a gift? Too late now. Tonight's the big wedding between Kane and Lita. Will the unholy matrimony between the Big Red Machine and the Hardy Girl be interrupted by someone with something to add? Does Shawn Michaels's hyped return mean the end for Kane? (JG Note: No. I'm saving you some time now. No, it doesn't. Shawn's returning at Unforgiven. I tell you this in the beginning. Raw didn't tell me until about an hour and half in.) Can Eugene rebound from his forgotten conflict with Triple H and continue his assent on the Raw ladder? What will Randy Orton's reaction be now that his jealous Evolutionary Leader Triple H has cut him from the fold following a World Title win? Who the hell thought to make Ellen Degeneres play God in the new Oh God movie? The answers to everything except the Ellen Degeneres question can be found below. It's two hours and change worth of Spike Lee TV. It's Raw….

Last week Head of Household Triple H evicted Randy Orton from the Evolution House.

Raw Theme Plays. "The sex, the gods, the freaks, the frauds" are all messing with the singer of this song. That's gotta suck.

Pyro, pyro, and hello. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are hangin' and bangin' in Anaheim and they're both stoked for the show. Chris Jericho will challenge Edge for the Intercontinental title and then from there, the Wedding from Hell. Wedding from hell, huh? That's what I'm afraid of.

The Coach is here and he's ready to pluck another hopeful Diva from the Search. He brings them out and lines them up like pledges. He pauses, he ponders, and he ultimately eliminates Tracie. (JG Note: Wow. Somehow we all have to find a way to get by in the wake of this. We just need to take it slow - live day by day. It'll be OK. Try to smile. Tracie would have wanted it that way.) You know what would make these segments somewhat meaningful? After John Coachman says "You are eliminated," he should walk up to the girl and punch her in the head. At least then I'd be entertained. Instead, Johnny C decides to assign the wanna-Divas with two minutes a pop to praise him. No, wait. How about five minutes? That's better, right? OK. Each girl gets five minutes to…

Hello, my friend. Welcome to Dunkin' Donuts. How I may help you? Today we have special coffee and bagel with strudel for $1.99.

The Rock hits the scene and makes things move along. Rather than have each girl praise the Coach for five minutes, how about if the Coach gets five seconds to leave the ring before being pummeled? The count starts and J.C. jets as the final finger falls. From there, things hit a lull. The Brahma Bull proceeds to call out Carmella and ask her why the other soft core hopefuls hate her. The audience boos and the Scorpion King embarrasses her with an "it doesn't matter" spot. At the sake of sounding like a broken record as it relates to Rocky, this was another example of him really hamming it up in a bad way. In his last few appearances, Rock has morphed into a sort of suave stand-up comedian, which doesn't play as well as his old serious, yet cocky persona. He gave little jokes and called everyone "mama." There's some Lillian Garcia jokes about drinking on the job at a sperm bank which is an old joke, but at least he got to say "sperm" because that's a funny Rock word. Another funny Rock word is "wet," as in the divas are "wet…with perspiration." Get it? Get it? You thought he meant "wet," but not like sweat wet. Ha! Get it? Get it? You do. Yeah, me too. There's an attempt to connect with the audience when Maivia says that the Diva Search ice cream segment from a few weeks ago was bad, which is strange considering that they're about to do the same segment with cream pies. You see, according to the People's Champion, ice cream eating is boring. We need to see these girls eat pie. This elicits cheers from the crowd, who haven't yet figured out that Raw isn't about to show hardcore pornography and will most likely bring out actual edible pies. Who knows more about good ol' fashioned homemade pie baking than the Japanese, huh? Am I right?

Welcome back! Bam! This is Emerill Lagassi here and I'm joined by WWE's Yoshihiro Tajiri. He's gonna help us kick it up a notch and bake some of these pies here today. Now Tajiri….Owwwww! Holy crap! He spit that green stuff in my eyes! Ahhh! It burns! It burns! You bastard! I'll chop you up! You hear me!? Ahhhh! Help! My eyes!

Tajiri delivers the pies for some reason while the Great One and the Ho Train wait. Rocky determines that the Japanese Buzzsaw likes sushi pie. Get it? Sushi pie? Apparently we're going to have ourselves an old fashioned pie eating contest. I'm not going to review these individually because only two stood out. The first was Joy, who said that she wanted to see Carmella eat crow. The crowd booed because they wanted to see her eat pie and shut up. The other one was our good friend. The girl from Planet U.N.C.L.E. Christy.

"As you can see, my butt's hungry. It's been munching my panties all night, so I have to feed it."

- Crazy Christy, 9:20pm

She actually says this and then sits on the pie. This girl is nuts. Then again, she's the only one I know out of these women, with the exception of Carmella, who I only know because people hate her. In fact, a part of me is cheering for this nut job to win the whole damn thing. Something tells me that she's probably capable of insanity that would make Luna Vachon seem like Mary Poppins. She's the type of girl that you could just picture attacking someone with a sharpened pencil. Seriously, her butt was hungry. She said that her butt was hungry. Speaking of butt…

John Coachman is back and he's got La Resistance by his side. No one embarrasses John. You don't make a fool out of him! The Rock calls him "mama" and dismisses the fake Divas. He quotes Chinese and "out of respect for Tajiri" says "Ching chong ding dow!" Tajiri isn't Chinese, but hey, what's it matter, right? He says that means "Just Bring It, Bitch." (JG Note: It also ensures that if Rocky goes into any Chinese restaurant that employs wrestling fans, he'll get spit in his egg foo young.) A brawl takes place and Coachman finds himself with the upper hand as La Résistance holds Maivia down. Smugly, Coach slaps him. Rhyno rushes in to help and the sides even up. This momentum didn't last long as the Brahma Bull regains his strength and wages a comeback. He, along with Tajiri and the Man Beast, surround Coachman. Rocko takes him down in a Spinebuster, hits the Elbow and tells us to smell his cooking. This whole thing lasted 25 minutes and I have no idea what it was supposed to accomplish. None. It seems like a lot of time, effort, and cameos just to introduce women eating pies.

Up next: Randy Orton. He's the champ and his friends all hate him. Give a cheer!

Commercial Break. Spike TV is the network for men. You know the rule. If you see a woman watching it, beat her down.

Kane's sweating, shirtless, and wearing his tights as he enters the arena with a garment bag in hand. Considering that Big Red isn't wrestling tonight, one would assume that he just walks around in his tights all the time. So much for the dress code. Kane's street clothes are a pair of tights and no shirt? Wow. That's disturbing on so many levels.

Video Recap of Evolution kicking out Randy Orton. Batista sides with Triple H because he knows that Hunter can help his career. Ric Flair sides with Triple H because, well, he's his grandfather.

Backstage, Triple H is dripping wet and pacing. Ric Flair and Dave Batista rush in. Apparently there's been a deal worked out. Tista approached Randy Orton himself and made the proposal. We don't learn the details, but they say Ort has no choice in the matter.

Lita is backstage alone when her Big Red Groom shows up. He greets her in his usual way, by smelling her. Don't fret, my pet. Kane-o isn't here to do you harm. He knows about the superstitions about seeing a bride before the wedding, but bad luck be damned. He comes baring gifts. You know how the Monster told you that there would be no white dress at the nuptials? Surprise! It's going to be an all-white affair. He even bought you a white dress! Look! Look! Just for you, darling. Knocked-up Amy D. looks unenthusiastic, but the Big Red Machine leans in close to her face and quotes Billy Idol. "It's a nice day for a white wedding." As Lita cringes in fear , a tear falls from my eye. It reminds me of the way my fiancée got her dress. I intimidated her and then quoted Billy Idol while she quivered in fright. Ah, love.

Tonight: William Regal with Eugene in his corner meets Ric Flair with Batista in his corner. But before that, we have Edge with no one in his corner meeting Chris Jericho with an autographed picture of Ratt in his corner.

Commercial Break. I'm convinced that the guy in the Milky Way commercial is on ecstasy because I've eaten Milky Ways before but I've never had an orgasmic outburst while doing it.

(1) Chris Jericho defeated Intercontinental Champion Edge via disqualification Well, if the idea is to turn Edge heel, they’re doing a bang-up job. I'm being sarcastic. To sum it up, Edge had Chris Jericho beat twice in this match. The first fall saw Edge pin Y2J after a Spear, but the decision was overturned after the ref noticed Jericho's foot on the ropes. The second time was the actual finale. Edge had crotched C.J. on the top rope and prepared to hit a Spear. Seeing this and determining it to be enough to call for a bell, the ref ends the contest and disqualifies the champ. Edge gets mad and you can't really blame him. If they want Edge to be a heel, this isn't the route to go. It reminds me of the Sid-Hulk Hogan feud in 1992. Although Sid was portrayed as the bad guy, you couldn't blame him for anything. Announcers ignored him. Hogan betrayed him. Then when he turned, we were expected to boo. To really make this effective, Edge needed to beat Chris severely after the bell. Well, maybe not severely, but he needed to do anything except something lame like just leaving. Guess what he did? He just left.

Evolution's coming out here and Triple H is taking off his shirt. You don't want to miss that, do you? Of course not. Stick around.

Commercial Break. Only in America do we need Subway to tell us that a sandwich has less fat than a double hamburger and French fries. Next they're going to dazzle us with the fat difference between a glass of water and a glass of lard.

Evolution is here and it's promo time. Triple H talks about Randy Orton's claim to have fulfilled his destiny. Well, Hunter says that he doesn't believe in destiny. I had a grandfather that didn't believe in the moon landings, so I guess we all choose things to believe in. Rather than destiny, Trips believes in choices. Orton made a choice. He chose to be an Evolver. He chose to stand with Helmsley, Ric Flair, and Batista. He chose to be where he was. When he won the World Title, he chose to leave that position and enter dangerous waters. All he had to do was soften Chris Benoit up for Triple H. Rather than do that, he decided to take the H-Man's property. That title is the Game's. According to Hunt, "Everyone in the world knows it." So, here's the plan. Randall, you're going to come out here and present that title to Triple H. After that, you're going to lie down and let your Evolutionary leader pin you. If you do, the Cerebral Assassin will allow you to live "one day more above ground." (JG Note: I suppose that first thing Wednesday he has to enter a bunker. My fiancée guesses that maybe he'll make Randy live in a submarine.) Cheesy threat, but effective. It gets the Legend Killer to show up.

Randy Orton's in the hizzle fo shizzle and he's got the World Title with him. His head hanging low in anguish, Ort approaches and appears ready to give the Championship back to the belt-hog. He holds it out, but as Triple tries to retrieve it, Randy doesn't release his grasp. Helmsley can't believe it, but before he can question the situation, Orton spits a humungous loogie in his face. Trips reels and looks as though he's about to go insane. Terra Ryzin charges, but the Champ slams the title across his face. H Cubed falls and Randy escapes in the crowd with Flair and Batista tripping over themselves to get to him. Once clear of his adversaries, Orton stands in the crowd and holds the title up as the crowd politely cheers.

I can see how all of this was supposed to work and when reading it, it seems like it worked. It's didn't, though. There was something missing from a mute Orton spewing a cup of spit from his mouth. It didn't make me want to applaud him for not giving up the Championship. What reason do the fans really have to cheer for him anyway? Had it not been for Triple H's attack, he'd still be mocking the 24 year olds and wearing suits. It's a tricky turn to make and the fans aren't left with too much compassion for the turnee. Until he proves himself, the crowd doesn't react much. Tonight was one of those nights. There was a small pop from the seats, but nothing more than they would give a Shelton Benjamin or Tajiri. It just seemed like a tough thing to ask of a live crowd, considering that WWE has spent the last 40 years telling them who to boo and cheer. Now they throw Orton out there without any good introduction in his new role and ask them to figure it out for themselves. While that might be OK for a midcard guy embarking on a baby face journey, this is the World Champion. Keep in mind that I'm not screaming doom and gloom for Randy Orton's title reign, I'm simply saying that there are little things that could make his turn so much smoother. A good portion of the crowd cheered in the final moments when Randy ran into the crowd, but that could be attributed to cheers for him simply being near them in the crowd. Having non-floor seats ensures that you will cheer like crazy if any performer comes near you. (JG Note: I went to Summerslam 1989 and sat pretty far up at the Meadowlands. Coliseum video sent Sean Mooney over to my section to shoot an "on-location" spot. I didn't get up, but I watched countless people maul him on camera and scream. If they go loony for Goony Mooney, they'll go buck for anyone.) Altogether, this was far from a stellar moment, but could be a starting point for some better things to come. As for the pop, it definitely was far from the applause WWE was hoping for…hopefully.

Commercial Break. CSI is offering a commercial with tips in it. The funny thing is that although I mock these CSI commercials, I'll never forget that jumpers take off their glasses.

Before the break, Randy Orton spit up like a gallon of phlegm on Vince's son-in-law.

In the back hallway Victoria is in desperate search for purpose. She opts to bitch to Eric Bischoff about Lita's forced marriage tonight. (JG Note: In all fairness, she's right. If you worked at Burger King and the fry machine kid was being forced to marry Mayor McCheese, I think you might approach the store manager about it.) Well pish-posh to that. Screw marriage! What about Hunter's face!? Meatloaf comes in like a Bat Out of Hell and grabs Eric Bischoff by the collar. Look at the spit! What's going to be done about this, Bisch? Eric eases the hostility by granting the Game a match with Orton at Unforgiven.

(2) William Regal pinned Ric Flair after a brass knuckles punch The audience is growing restless and Lawler tells us that he bought Kane and Lita edible panties as a wedding gift. (JG Note: Next time I wonder why non-fans think that wrestling is trashy, I'll remember that line.) I was watching this match and sort of flashbacked to 1993-1994 WCW and suddenly felt pretty old. The strangest part of all this was hearing Jim Ross yell out "William Regal has defeated Ric Flair." It just seemed strange. Growing up with Flair bouncing back from every loss and being pushed at every turn, it's weird to see him lay down so much. I'm not saying that he shouldn't job. I'm saying he shouldn't wrestle. With such a storied history behind him, why dilute it by jobbing out to everyone as you get older. Just wear the suit, pop the head vein, and scream. Why wrestle? There's plenty of guys on the payroll. The finale was imaginative to an extent. With Eugene and Batista brawling at ringside, both Reegs and Ric retrieve brass knucks. The two swing, but Willie makes contact. The Nature Boy hits the mat and Lord William gets the pinfall. William wins! Regal pins Flair! See? Sounds weird, right?

Video clips rewind Smackdown for us all. We hear all about the JBL-Undertaker conflict. Then we see Eddie Guerrero's struggle against Kurt Angle. The funniest part of this was the Stanley Kubrick type musical score during the scenes of Guerrero's car being covered in paint. Yes, zis video is a, how you say, poetic composition. It is work of moi, an artiste. I call the piece "Ode to a car with paint poured on it." Ah ha huh huh huh."

Shawn Michaels's return is postponed to Unforgiven for no reason and with no explanation. Quickly we shoot to Lita in her dress. The bride, in anger, breaks a mirror (as if seeing the groom earlier wasn't enough bad luck for one day). Elsewhere, we see Kane, who's in a white tuxedo that makes him look like a guardian angel from a Disney Christmas movie. The Big Red Machine has a white tux! Don't go away!

Commercial Break. Bar Fights are my Anti-Drug.

Yes, Mr. McMahon. You called for me?

The ring has been transformed into a big, white chapel. Apparently midgets were on sale this month, because Vince McMahon picked up a bunch of them. We had a midget ring bearer and flower girl. Duh. They each come down the aisle and take their spot. Following them is Kane, who is decked out in his tux. He enters to a classical wedding version of his theme song played by a full band. It's the coolest moment of the night and the only thing really worth remembering from the entire wedding. As he takes his spot at the alter, "Here Comes the Bride" plays and his wife-to-be enters. She's dressed all in black. Kane-o is angry over this act of defiance and stares at his fiancée as if to say that she's got some explaining to do. It's like Lucy and Ricky Ricardo except that instead of a Cuban band leader, Ricky is a big, bald, sexually-assaulting, demon. The two stand face to face as the preacher begins the ceremony. First things first. We have some words to be spoken by someone who's very close to both individuals. The crowd grows excited, sensing that it might be the big surprise twist. Instead, it's Eric Bischoff.

The Bisch is here and the crowd is about as happy as I am. Stuffed into a white tux like the Pillsbury Doughboy trying to squeeze into a hot pocket, Bischoff takes the podium and opens the Bible. Initially I forgive the Eric interruption and shrug it off as time filling until the big moment happens. Even as Easy E reads from the good book, I listen, hoping that something he has to say will tie all of this together somehow. It doesn't. He finishes reading and leaves. Moving on…

Kane livens things up with a rare moment of humor in an otherwise hokey setup. He has put together a video package of his relationship with Lita, set to the tune of Paul Anka's "You're Having My Baby." Funny piece.

Back at the alter, the justice of the peace informs us that although this is a forced wedding, both man and wife have decided to write their own vows. Kane showers Leets with praise and love at first. A frustrated crowd throws chants of "What" in after each line, signifying their boredom thus far. Big Red then turns things ugly by claiming that Lita is now his "property." From this day forward, she belongs to him. Pretty intense stuff. When it's Miss Amy's turn, she retrieves a rolled up scroll from her cleavage and proceeds to read. I have transcribed it, slip-up and all.

"Kane. I hate you worse than life…I hate you Kane, more than life itself. You are a vile, horrible man with no soul and even though I have no choice of marrying you, I want to make it clear that I love and will always love Matt Hardy. The only joy I have now in life is hoping and praying for you to suffle…suffer a horrible accident resulting in your painful and immediate death. I sincerely hope you rot in hell."

- Lita, 11:01pm

Ouch. Might have wanted to think twice before letting the forced bride write her own vows, huh? Looking back on her speech you have to wonder, how much does Lita actually hate life itself? Enough of that. It's magic time. If anyone has reason for these two to not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace. Again, the crowd braces itself. Again it's a letdown, sort of. Who is it now? It's Trish Stratus! Why? Damned if I know.

Trish arrives and she's wearing underwear covered in a see through robe (JG Note: That's what I meant by the "sort of" above.) She's here to be catty. Lita! You don't have a bridesmaid. That's why Stratus is here. She's going to stand by your side and show support. Who better than her to be the maid of honor? To show her kind side, Trish even wore white because you can't. Strats tells her to ease her nervousness. According to T.S., all she has to do is open her heart just like she "opened her legs." Prego attacks and the two brawl. J.R. screams about the dangers of pregnant catfights until Kane retrieves his woman and returns her to the place of matrimony.

Seeing that the objection wasn't the big twist, the crowd gears up for the "I dos." The preacher asks Leet if she accepts the Boogeyman as her husband and she responds with "I do." (JG Note: Why? Doesn't she want out of this? Wouldn't you think that would be her out? Just don't say "I do." Seems simple.) He asks Kane the same question, but is cut off…by Matt Hardy's music.

As Big Red goes up the ramp and awaits his challenge, Matt Hardy Version I Lost My Chick to the Devil jumps him from the opposite side. They fight and Hardy leaves the monster laying at ringside. Like a grade-B horror flick, Matty takes Amy's hand and they trot up the aisle. Suddenly Kane sits up and Matt and Lita stop dead in their tracks. They are unable to escape because - get this - a big wall of fire appears on the stage. Considering that Tajiri spits green slime and no one questions why, no one wonders how Kane did this. Rather, they stare and the Big Red Groom runs up to catch the Hardy Boy. He choke slams him from the stage down to the floor below. V1 lands on two tables, luckily set up on top of a big padded pillow of some sort. See, Matt. That's good luck. Things aren't so bad. If the big giant pillow thing wasn't there, it probably would have hurt like a bitch.

The happy couple return and are declared married in the eyes of God and Vince McMahon. Kane kisses his bride, scoops her up, and carries her up the ramp. A wedding without pie throwing or killer snakes? What's the world coming to? Mr. and Mrs. Monster take their first steps as man and wife while we fade to black.

All in all… Sometimes lots of things happen on Monday night. Sometimes nothing much happens at all. Tonight was more the latter, although going in you wouldn't have expected it. After all, we had Randy Orton's reaction, Kane's wedding, and Shawn Michaels's return.

Randy Orton's reaction wasn't much. He still had his old music and stood up to a ranting and raving Triple H. Unfortunately, it lacked a certain something. Having him appear out of the blue and make his first act of heroism a loogie in Hunter's face before escaping through the crowd didn't do much to help his cause either. Randy still has time and potential to be a great champion, but tonight wasn't a great start. Actually, it wasn't really even a good start.

Kane's wedding was uneventful. Seriously, it was uneventful. They got married before being interrupted by three mystery guests. The first was Eric Bischoff, who read from the bible and didn't burst into flames. The second was Trish Stratus in underwear, and the third was Matt Hardy, who Kane beat like he owed him money. After all that, they tied the knot and everyone who interrupted suddenly became inconsequential. There was nothing to this. The one thing we could always count on for something major to occur at was weddings. Now we don't even have that. The wall of fire at the end was an eye roller too. Top to bottom, this was a letdown. Maybe that's because Shawn Michaels didn't object. Oh wait a minute…

Shawn Michaels didn't show up at all. They said he'd be here this week. Remember when they said that? As the show neared it's close, WWE showed a spot advertising HBK's return for Unforgiven. Pretty cheap move when you think about it. There wasn't even an attempt to talk their way out of it. They just ignored last week's announced return. WWE needs one of those Men in Black mind eraser things.

The Rock came back and did, uh…I don't know. He was used to partially put over the fake Divas and partially put over Tajiri/Rhyno-La Resistance. Maybe he was used to partially put over the Coach. Either way, he didn't do much for any of them. It seemed pretty humdrum and the Great One was in full Hollywood promo mode complete with inaudible mutters and prepubescent double entendres. When Rocky is on, he's on. When he's off, he's off. Tonight he was pretty off and didn't really kick things up at all.

Two matches and a lot of filler. Tonight's show had some style but offered very little substance. In fact, had you missed tonight's Raw altogether, you didn't miss much. Going in, you knew that Orton had left the stable and that Kane and Lita were getting married. After the show, you know the same thing. Yippee. That's two hours gone right there.

That's that. I'll see you guys on Thursday for another Take and back here next Monday. Good luck to Kane and Lita. If those two crazy kids can't make love work, what hope is there for the rest of us?