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JG's 8/25/08 Raw Insanity: Jail's No Place For a Boy Toy, Glamarella Kiss Some More, and Rey Mysterio Is The New John Cena
Originally Published August 25, 2008 Hello, Science Fiction Network dweebs. Sorry to interrupt Sliders or Ghost Molesters or whatever the hell you watch on this channel. Tonight is time for Raw and given that we had to take over your Dungeons and Dragons Network as we have, we figured we'd give your beady little eyes something to feast on. You like video games? Of course you do. Now, take a trip in the future. '09? Pish posh. That's so old. It's time we unveil...
Smackdown vs. Raw 2010
Have you ever wanted to lace up your boots and step into a WWE ring? Well, now you can with WWE
Smackdown vs.
Raw 2010!
(boots not included)
New stories. New drama. New junk like that. Become immersed in the WWE Universe with a story mode that begins ten minutes before WrestleMania and lasts all the way until...WRESTLEMANIA! That's right. Prepare for the biggest match of your career as a WWE Superstar, walk the aisle, and feel the pump of the crowd before finally stepping foot into the squared circle - at which point Story mode ends. But you can do it with another guy.
Want to generate fan interest in your brand? Well, now you can with the all new Create-a-Publicity-Stunt! The limitations are endless
* in this awesome new mode. Make your own CAPS and mix and match tried and true methods to appeal to the masses. Plus, when contructing your WWE Universe, Smackdown vs. Raw 2010 gives you a one way ticket backstage to deal with the personalities of World Wrestling Entertainment. Deal with the men and women behind the characters and see what they're really like!
The most received email complaint we hear from gamers of past WWE Smackdown vs. Raw games is, "Teh online mode is teh suck for too many NOOBS I can pwn!" We have no idea what the hell that means so we threw those away. Another one of our most important measures was to make sure no gamer is left out in the cold! WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2010 is now available on all next gen systems.
With over 8 WWE Superstars to choose from along with 4 legends (Max Moon, Roddy Piper, Classic Triple H, and DX Triple H), WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2010 boasts the largest roster of any wrestling video game
that has 2010 in its title
!
So go out and buy one today. Hell, buy two. Tell you what. Order one and we'll charge you for two. How does that sound, Science Fiction Boy?
Good? Good. Now go strip down and lather up, we're sure there's an episode of Alias on soon or something.
Tool.
Also, head over to
ClubWWI.com right now for all our latest audio including brand new reports from Canadian Bulldog, ZAH, me, and others. Plus, over 130 shoot interviews.
Our guests span seven decades with everyone from Jerry Lawler to Rick Martel to Jesse Ventura to Sean Mooney. There are tons of great tag teams in uncut shoots too including Strike Force, Demolition, The Funks, The Valiants, Sheik and Volkoff, The Steiner Brothers, A.J. Styles and Chris Daniels, and many others. Including, as of this week, Rythm and Blues! Greg Valentine and...
He's got long sideburns. He's got his hair slicked back. And he's come to
ClubWWI.com in his
Pink Cadillac. That's right. The man who turned shooting into an artform,
The Honky Tonk Man, has joined the Insanity.
Best known as the Greatest Intercontinental Champion...of All Time, Honky Tonk is one of the industry's most recognizable and outspoken figures. Unapolegtic, Honky doesn't mince words about anything. Now hear from him yourself as the innovator of the Shake, Rattle, and Roll unloads on a number of topics from his legendary career in a shoot interview that's long overdue.
Subjects include:
The False Rumor About Him Started In Mick Foley's Book, The Former I.C. Champion Who Came Up With "Rhythm and Blues," Rowdy Roddy "PiperNutz," The Two People Still On His Ass-Whooping List, Pushing Elizabeth, The Person Who Came Up With The Vote of Confidence Campaign, The People Who Played Peggy Sue, Why He Left WCW, Rockabilly, Tom Zenk, Killer Kowalski, and More
Meka-leka-high-meka-hiney-ho, King!Michael Cole is by Jerry Lawler's royal side as we kick off another big time edition of Raw is War.Who's at war tonight?What?Yes.Russia and Georgia, but that's not what I was talking about.I meant like wrestling-war.How about Batista vs. Kane? How does that sound?Warrish enough for you? Good.Now focus your eyes on the Champion of the World and Yosemite Sam....
1. World Champion C.M. Punk pinned JBL after the Go To Sleep
The rules for the Championship Scramble are so insane that WWE is actually acknowledging how insane they are. It's not that different than an Elimination Chamber without cages. New people come in after one another and the match goes on. One man is champ. One he's beaten, that man is the "interim" champ. Whoever is the one who has ended the match as champion keeps the belt. Lawler still doesn't get it when Cole explains. He urges us to check out WWE's website for the full rules. Great to see them booking a main event that requires a stop at their website to understand. Also during this match, we learn that John Cena may have suffered an injury. (JG Note: He broke his poopie.) With all these explanations and revelations, you almost forget that That World Champion is wrestling. While the announcers put over his growing confidence each week, it's hard to not see the that C.M. is barely being used in the capacity he could be. In many ways, it feels like he's getting a shot-in-the-arm push rather than a World Title reign.
So far for Punk, The World Championship is like a King in the Ring victory or his own in-ring talk show - hype, not historic. It's a shame because they've already put the strap on him, might as well go all out with him. While the Punker held his own early on, JBL soon took over control. King Jerry referred to him as the "neighborhood bully." Like Murph in Problem Child or O'Doyle in Billy Madison, the Big Texan blasted down on his smaller prey The buzzwords for this match were "new school" and "old school." The commentators made several references to it.
I hope they have a hospital at that fancy new school that the Champ goes to. Layfield pounded him relentlessly and stopped every attempt at a comeback. In a particularly memorable moment, John placed the Champion on the top turnbuckle and viciously pawed at him like a bear. That's when Straight Edge – as opposed to Gay Edge (Edge Note: HEY!) – mounted a return. He nailed a DDT and scored a number of nearfalls. However, Bradshaw staged yet another comeback and slammed him with the Clothesline From Hell. After failing to score the pin, he left the ring and found a chair. The referee grabbed it as he reentered the ring. Distracted, the Red State Warrior was easy prey for a surprise Go-To-Sleep and yet another lucky jerk win for ol' Pepsi Arm.
Still to come: Kofi Kingston vs. Santino Marella. Then, D.J. Whiney Hiney vs. Rey Mysterio's new boyfriend.
Commercial Break. Elijah Wood. Troy Aikman. Dan Quayle. It doesn't get much more insane than that.
Smackdown is coming to MyTV.
Yup.
My TV.
I guess that means all of you won't be watching.That'll be their excuse if the ratings tank.
Mike Adamle – he's not too bright.But his suit is nice.The General Manager has a clipboard in hand as he walks to the top of the ramp.Mike introduces a little piece of footage from SummerSlam.
Video Footage of...John Cena breaking his ass, apparently.His arm goes numb and Batista responds by kicking him in the face.
Adamle explains that Cena has a herniated disc in his neck thanks to his Batista Bombs at SummerSlam.Sadly, doctors now feel John requires surgery which will force him out of action indefinitely.That includes the Championship Scramble thing-a-ma-bob.Don't worry, markies.Your Adamleader will name a replacement before the end of the night.
I hope you all join me in hoping for P.N. News.
Jerry Lawler says that you wouldn't wish an injury on anyone.Except, you know, if you're into voodoo or something.You know voo-doo was invented back in...
...Hello? Hello? Come in.Come in.
It's a hijack.A camera hijack by the technical mastery of Kane!The monster has a webcam that he uses to meet women on Craig's List.Today he's using it to jack into WWE Raw's mainfame and make the following statement on location from Dungeon Land.
"You make it sound like such a tragedy, but pain can be beautiful. It's a shame Batista will never know how to relish this fact. What he did to John Cena is nothing compared to what I've done to Rey Mysterio. A body broken does nothing for the soul. It leaves you feeling empty. But a spirit broken makes me salivate. It helps me relish in all the pain I've inflicted. Placing this hand around someone's throat, feeling his pulse accelerate as he raises into the air and then crumbles. It leaves him wondering, is he alive or dead? Ha ha ha haha huh ha huh ha..."
He totally raped him.Totally.
From there, we shoot backstage where Mike Adamle is already back in his office because he's really fast.The G.M. finds Primo Colon.Yo!Primo!Come sta, esse?Things are all set for tonight.Mad Mike has everything ready for you.He has apples.He has a Cabana.He has...done too much.Listen, Mr. Authority Figure.Colon is nothing like his brother.He's his own man.In fact...
"My whole life all I hear is 'tha's cool, tha's not cool.He's a jerk to everybody.Even his own family."
Prince Adamle smirks and Primito inquires as to what's so damn funny.Mike says he'll find out soon enough.Exit Cool Brother.Enter pube-beard and his ladie's hat.
Shawn Michaels is sullen.He asks where Chris Jericho is.When the General Manager tells him that Y2J hasn't arrived yet, HBK turns to leave.At that point, Mikey asks how Rebecca, Shawn's freshly punched-in-the-face wife, is doing.The Heartbreak Kid stops, appears to ponder the possibility of killing Adamle, and then leaves.
-
Commercial Break. The Infamous Willie Horton Ad.
2. Kelly Kelly pinned Beth Phoenix with a roll-up
This match was bad for Diva Business. It always is whenever one of them gets busted open. In this case, it was Beth who found herself with a bloody nose care of Kelly Kelly. From that point on, the camera made a concerted effort to not get too close. Aside from improving every week, Kelly looks great. (Joe Biden Note
: She also has her
doctorate degree, which is a
problem.) As the Glam in his Glamorella tag team bled all over her cleavage, Santino looked on with concern. In fact, he was so distracting that it captured the eye of his lady. By the time Double K rolled his bloody girlfriend up for the upset, Marella seemed to realize his error. He wanted to rush in and comfort her.
That he did. Following her loss, he entered the squared circle and attempted to give her a hug or something. She responded by tackling him to the ground – and not in that good kinda way. Fearful for the safety of his bushy eyebrow and fauxhawk, Santa bolted from the ring. Presto!
Commercial Break. Wow. A check, Jerry?! A CHECK?!
It's the first ever Radio Free Insanity guest, Charlie Haas. He's traded in his Mr. Wrestling mask for a fake afro. He's wrestling tonight as "Charlito." It's better than his old gimmick - Charlie "What The Hell Happened To Charlie Haas" Haas. Before the bout, we go to a 1988 style box in the top corner of the screen where the new Apple Biter gave his own take on his gimmick.
"My name is Charlieto. I spit in the face of people who look like mules."
Duh.
3. Colon pinned Charlito Haas
This match was pretty much what you'd expect.
Haas did his thing in the wig for a while.
He started getting beat up.
Wig fell off.
Primo won.
Bah. I spit in the face of people who can't think of better rhymes than "mules."
Last Monday, Chris Jericho, dressed like Nate Fisher and mocked the retirement of Shawn Michaels.
HBK simply wanted to placate his ego one last time.
That's why his wife got five fingers of Y2J to the face.
Why do I feel like there's tons of guys out there who play that punch in slow-mo on Tivo and yell out, "Do...the...dishes!
BAMMM!
AHAHAHAHAHA!" I know Uncle Ralph does.
With his hat pulled low and his stagger somewhat slow, the Boy Toy swishes up the aisle and into the ring.
With his hairline making a beeline to his behind, Kid Heartbreak removes his hat.
Mic in hand, he bows his head, and soaks in the chants.
"First off, to everyone that has asked me about my wife Rebecca, I just want to let them know that she's hurt but after being married to me for almost ten years, she's tough.
She's gonna be ok.
Last week I went home to take care of my wife and children and I really tried to look at this like a rational human being.
I tried to tell myself that it was all an accident.
That Chris Jericho didn't mean to hit my wife.
Then we sat down to watch Raw and I watehed as Chris Jericho came into this ring and blamed me and blamed all of you and showed absolutely no remorse for what he'd done.
Know why I didn't send in a let of resignation, Chris Jericho?
Because I have earned the right to come out here and tell the people who have supported me the last 20 years, thank you.
But the thing is, I didn't realize that coming out here and saying goodbye for the last time was going to be so hard.
That's why I had my wife Rebecca with me.
To lift me up and support me like she'd one for the last 10 years.
And what'd she get for that?
She got punched right in the face."
That was her ree-ward.
Yee hee!
Growing more enraged, Michaels calls out Chris for going so far as to blame his wife for what happened.
Are you kidding yourself, Jericho?
It was that moment that HBK decided - no way.
No how.
He ain't leaving and you can't make him, Jack.
-
Excuse me!
Hello!
Hey, guy!
Hey, buddy!
It's Chris Jericho on the big screen and –oh –is he upset.
-
Quiet and determined, Chris informs Shawn of his luck tonight.
Listen, Rocker.
Lucky for you, Y2J is over in WWE Studios.,
He was told to stay out of the arena because people are fearful for what might happen to you. You want Y2J? Huh? Call Chris Mr.
Red Rider BB Gun because he took your eye out. You step in the ring with him again and you're going down once more. You want to gode Lionhart into the ring so you can sue the company. That's your game. You're a hoser, as we say up here. A hoser.
HBKrazy at this point. He rips off his jacket and falls to his knees.
-
"The reason I want this match is because if I do to you what I want to do to you, Chris Jericho, they'll throw me in jail. In this ring, in this ring, I can legally do whatever I want. I'll do whatever it takes, Chris. I'll sign anything."
-
The Begging Boy Toy doesn't want anyone responsible for the beating you'll receive, Canada Dry.
He gonna mess you up!
Mess up Chris Jericho?
Ha!
You're the one with the busted wife and broken eyeball, beeotch.
The King of All Loopholes is the man who has been getting the upper hand...or shall we say, fist...at each turn.
You want a match, buttmunch?
Fine.
You got it.
Match on.
One
request, though.
Don't let your family tune in.
'Cause daddy's getting spanked by Ralphus' son at Unforgiven.
With red eyes, Shawn puts his hand up.
Shut up, Paco.
You don't know Jack Sheet about Unforgiven.
You will though.
As the segment ends, Michaels urges us to remember what the bible says,
"An eye for an eye.
"
I'm saying it right now.
If they book a Loser Loses His Eye match at Unforgiven, I'll totally buy it.
No questions asked.
Commercial Break. Just say "No" to Jimmy Carter.
Money, money, money, money, priceless.
Leave a message.
BEEP!
Hey, uh, Ted!
Hi.
How are you?
I left you, you know, a few messages.
You, um, didn't call back.
Anywho...this is David again.
David Flair.
I wanna join your te...actually, you know what? Just call me back.
Say hi to Cody for me.
Later.
4. World Tag Team Champions Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes defeated Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Jerry The King Lawler
Michael Cole mentioned that the first time this match was booked, it didn't happen because Mike Adamle wanted to see him get his butt kicked instead.
This match left Michael all by his lonesome at ringside, which wasn't as bad as you might think.
In fact, although Cole has some issues here and there, he's improved by leaps and bounds through the years.
Either that or we're just comfortable with him by now.
After all, he's been here forever, but he always came off as a new guy for some reason.
Now Jim Duggan and Jerry Lawler don't seem like new guys.
They seem like old guys.
To their credit, though, they're realistic looking veterans.
It's never fun to see an out of shape "legend" showing up and tossing around over-selling young guys.
In the case of Duggan and Lawler, that's not the deal.
They look credible and the beatings they hand out to the Million Dollar American Dreams makes sense.
In a moment that made me laugh, Hacksaw seemed to do the Caddyshack "na-na-na-na-na-na" when running in from the Three Point Stance.
Nice.
He should have telegraphed the finish too.
It wasn't shortly thereafter that Ol Glory was caught with the Million Heir Legsweep and pinned.
After the bell, Cody hugged Teddy a bit too tightly and then grabbed the microphone.
When he returned to the ring, he called out Cryme Time.
They stole the World Tag Titles.
You guys committed a crime!
You didn't win those belts.
You're a couple'a crime-doers.
"Yo, yo, yo, yo, up here.
Yooooo."
- Cryme Time
The Homeboys are in the upperdeck and they have the tag titles on their shoulders.
Yo, yo, hobo.
After a brief introduction, they explain why they stole what they stole.
It seemed like Ted and Codedust were never going to put the straps on the line against Shad and JTG.
So, maybe if they broke the law they might get a title shot.
I mean, jeez, their names are Cryme Time.
Crime is what they do.
Like Andy Dick.
DiBiase is incensed.
You guys are whacked.
Why can't you just go through the proper channels?
(JG Note:
Because they're not Proper Channels Time.)
That's when The Million Dollar Baby cut a wrestling-style promo on his aggressors.
Straight out of Promo101, he named a date and ended with a catchphrase.
You guys want a title shot?
Done.
Unforgiven. When you lose, it'll be "Priceless."
Yeah.
Duh.
JTG confirmed that he said "Priceless."
He then giggled and said this:
"Silly white boy.
Don't you know nothing comes without a price?"
Well.
OK.
The duo finish the segment by singing their funny little money, money song.
On a side note, none of these guys should do too many extended promos again anytime soon.
Cody overacts.
Ted's okay but comes off a bit generic.
JTG talks like he has a retainer in his mouth.
Shad.
Well, he doesn't really speak much.
Also, I'm sure some people will freak out about the white boy comment.
In JTG's defense, Ted DiBiase Jr. is one of the whitest people I've ever seen.
Todd Grisham is hanging out backstage when Dave "The Animal" Batista walks in.
Deacon Dave doesn't address Kane at first.
He talks of John Cena.
Tough match that Cena gave him.
Tough match.
J.C. lives by the words "Hustle.
Loyalty.
Respect."
After a love-dovey promo about his ex-competitor, Batista turns his attention to Kane.
That guy is sick.
Unlike Unforgiven, dealing with The Big Red Machine will be personal – not business.
It will be revenge for eating Rey Mysterio's nose off his face.
They haven't really explained what Kane did to Rey yet.
I'm filling in the blanks.
6. Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella pinned Kofi Kingston after his knee hit Kofi in the face or something
Kofi Kingston has great music.
It makes you feel like you're on vacation.
Ah.
Good ol' Kofi.
Not Santino.
He makes me feel like I'm at the opera.
Boo opera.
Yay vacation.
The crowd seemed to be getting burnt out as the night of talking dragged on.
Even so, these two threw everything they had at them.
The Intercontinental Champion couldn't stop the offense of Kingston.
He fell to body presses and feet stamps.
At this point, Marella had enough and tried to leave.
When he did, Beth Phoneix arrived and forced him back in.
He did just that.
But then...a swerve.
Actually, a telegraphed swerve.
Bethany grabbed Coffee Kegstand's foot and tripped him – head-first into Santino's knee.
Weird spot.
She called for him to get the pin.
Ciao, bella.
He does.
After the tres, the Miracle of Milan found himself in the ring alone with Beth.
She backed him into the corner and kissed him.
He responded by spinning her around and into the corner himself for a super-duper smooch.
In a related story, Kofi Kingston just got pinned and no one cares because people are making out in the ring.
Jamaican my head hurt.
Josh Matthews and Candice Michele are at the Democratic National Convention. WWE is signing up young people to vote.
I guess they've never met some of the young people I have. Yikes. Candice, in her Candicey voice, explains why the voting process is so important. If you want to know what listening to her was like, go take your ear and stick a Philips head screwdriver into it. Not put a shotgun up to the end of the screwdriver and shoot. It's like that.
Mike Adamle is on the ramp. It's time to hear who the new Cena will be at Unforgiven. Who's gonna get scrambled in John's place?
Former World Heavyweight Champion....
...Rey Mysterio.
Yup. Missing nose and all, Rey Rey is returning. The camera pans the crowd and there's this one dude who's really happy about it. Booyaka, pal. Booyaka.
Cole and Lawler are beyond thrilled about this. They wonder what Master Kane will say about all this. They then talk more about Unforgiven. Smackdown has its own Scramble thing, only with crappier guys. Triple H vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. The Brian Kendrick vs. Jeff Hardy vs. M.V.P. I'm not really sure what to make of this. On paper, it looks like Hunter's Thanksgiving Dinner.
Commercial Break. Maybe he just doesn't like women in pants suits with Chuck Woolery hairdos.
-
7. Batista defeated Kane via disqualification
Batista is on the cover of Muscle and Fitness – just like Vince McMahon was. The only difference is that it's not creepy when Batista does it because he's not in his 60s. I mean, it's still kinda creepy. The guy's humungous. Good thing Rey Mysterio has him for a friend. He could defend his honor against Kane "I Kidnap People" Bearer. While this whole thing has given new life to the Kane character, it's also put him back into a weirdo storyline. That doesn't mean they can’t do something solid with it. It just means they probably won't. Any of these insane angles have potential to create good long-term characters and ideas. They just have to be followed up on. I guess the face kick is in Dave's move set now because he used it again. It's the same as Orton's only from the front. And you cheer for it. It only served to piss off The Monster, though. He zeroed in on Batista's knee and went to town on it. Proving that he's truly one of the greats, Kane ripped into The Animal with leg stomps and twists. Even using wrestling holds, it still came off like vicious brutality. Not too many people can do that. You don't always have to punch and kick. A sick looking leghold or armbar cane be just as effective in getting the point across – if not more. That bad knee couldn't stop D.B. He fired back with a powerslam despite the bad wheel. This only made the BrotherTaker more upset. He left the ring and grabbed a chair.
With that, he slammed it into the Evolutionary's knee and was handed a DQ loss.
When he tried to bring the steel weapon in for a post match beating, Dave was ready. He caught Big Red and took the chair from him. He followed up with chairshot upon chairshot of his own – including a few while Kane's leg was wrapped around the ringpost.
After that, Batista collapses.
Kane rolls into the ring in agony.
Everyone is hurt as we fade to black.
All in all...Nothing terrible. But nothing special either.
I wonder if Batista is going to take back his complaint about having a rushed program with Cena now. After all, if that happened, it would have ended cold. Speaking of cold, I know Dave gets a rough go from a lot of fans, but he worked pretty well tonight. Kane's a great wrestler too and, although billed as a battle of the giants, it featured real wrestling. It's a testament to the changing roles of big guys in wrestling.
C.M Punk? What about him?
Huh? He wrestled?
Oh yeah. I forgot. I haven't seen a champion get this overshadowed since Chris Ben-Whats-his-name. Opening match. Cheesy luck finish. Something has to give at some point. What Punk could be and what Punk is are two different things. The window's closing on striking when the C.M. Iron is hot.
Santino and Beth are fun and all that, but they're getting too many segments to further a comedy story.
As for Primo, I don't like his look. I didn't like his ha-ha bout tonight. I do, however, like his eventual brother vs. brother storyline. It’s a great way to go. Maybe now Carlito can be happy and quiet.
That does it for me, guys. Check back throughout the week for more audio on ClubWWI.com and great articles right here on World Wrestling Insanity.
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