Hello there. No, you didn't lose time. You weren't abducted by a UFO. It's not Monday. Today is Tuesday. It's the day after Monday and the day that Sci-Fi Network gives it's fans exactly what they want...wrestling. Oh the irony. WWE gives wrestling fans bad comedy. Sci-Fi gives science fiction fans wrestling. All we need now is the Bad Comedy Network to debut with a full night devoted to Star Trek and we're good to go.
Anyway, since I wasn't up to doing Raw last night, I wanted to give an extra-special, super-duper,
Extreme ECW Insanity to
you all tonight. What does the evening have in store? There's only one way to find out. Let's get the portals open. Let's summon the star cruisers. Let's dig up Rod Serling. It's Tuesday. It's Sci Fi. And you better beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life here. The only life forms we see are...
ECW Theme Plays. I still think they should use Billy Joel's
"I Go To Extremes." They should let Paul Heyman sing a cover it. You know, just to humiliate him some more.
"Welcome everyone to ECW!"
- Joey Styles
With that, Joey Styles dies a little inside once again this week. His partner, Tazz, has had enough time to let the weight of the world crush his hardcore spirit so he's okay with it. The Mini-Grisham and his orange-loving broadcast partner promise quite an event here tonight. Coming off of a "scintillating Summerslam," we can only start things with one man.
John Morrison Prospective Nickname List
The Shaman of Sexy
The Lord of Lollipop Land
The Guru of Greatness
Mr. I Need Melina To Do My Promos
The King of Queens
Tuesday Night Delight
The Tough Enough Kid That Bob Holly Didn't Pummel
ECW Champ John Morrison comes out to the ring and he's got slow motion special effects for his entrance as wind runs through his Bay City Rollers hairdo. It's actually pretty cool. Both Tazz and Joey seem to enjoy it as well. After all, that's what Extreme Championship Wrestling was always about. Slow Motion Wind Tunnel Special Effects.
Morrison steps into the ring and sums up the thoughts of many by saying that we want his body more than his words. That doesn't stop him from doing his memorized monologue though. He even quotes Jim Morrison by saying he "set the night on f-irrrrre!" Apparently, Johnny feels he created a new reality for CM Punk and proved why he is the "Guru of Greatness, the Tuesday Night Delight," and the ECW Champion.
As the fighting Champion he is, Johnny Nitro has decided to accept any challenger he can take. When ECW GM
Lou Bega Armando Estrada told him that there would be a four way match to determine his #1 contender, he was as interested as Joey Mercury at a Jamaican hair-braiding booth. Let's take a look at the people on the match list.
"Sorry Boogey, it takes more than words to scare the new face of extreme."
#2: The Miz
"The Miz claims he's a chick magnet. The women love him and the men fear him. Sorry Miz, talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. And I don't mean the type of actions you perform on your self when you're alone in the shower. Hoorah."
#3: Big Daddy V
"For the sake of humanity, let's hope big Daddy V doesn't win tonight."
#4: CM Punk
"CM Punk's 15 minutes of fame ended at Summerslam. Come on, how many opportunities does this guy need?"
After running down CM's straight edge lifestyle, John adds "not winning titles" to the list of things he doesn't do and suggests that he gets a new tattoo for every loss he has to the Shaman of Sexy. He again calls himself the "Tuesday Night Delight" and says he can't be defeated as the speech comes to an end. This promo couldn't have sounded anymore robotic if he was reading it off of miniature cue-cards.
Commercial Break. Don't try to grab a woman's private parts. She might be a metal porcupine. This public service announcement has been brought to you by the Sci-Fi Network.
Kevin Thorne Untrue Fact
Kevin's theme song is actually the instrumental version of a song called, "Do Me Upside Down," by Bel Biv Devo.
1. Kevin Thorne pinned Stevie Richards after the Original Sin
It's good to see Stevie Richards being used in a storyline on TV. I guess once every four years is better than what Val Venis gets. As for Mordecai, he needs a manager. I wasn't the biggest Arial fan, but at least she gave a new dimension to his character. To bounce her from the company and then stick him in a feud that's based on how he can't beat a jobber makes him look pretty bad. He has potential, but at this point the might have a hard time springing back. While some might think this is a good thing for Stevie, that's not necessarily true. If he goes back to Shannon Moore territory within the next few months then it's all been a waste. Gangrelecai focused on Dancin' Stevie's neck for the duration of the match and Joey Styles pointed out how Richards had an implant in his throat. Tazz had no idea what he was talking about, but Joey said it was a "very public fact." (JG Note: Some women get it in their breasts. Buff Bagwell gets it in his calves. Steve Richards gets it in his voice box. To each his own.) As the former Right To Censorer held his achy breaky throat implant, Thorne went to town on him. As he did, he taunted the ECW Original and kept repeating, "Show me, Stevie!" That's just what Steve-o did. He mounted a comeback and the crowd seemed indifferent to it all. Tazzy pointed out how he hit a "plethora of round kicks," but it couldn't get him the pinfall. Kevin regained the momentum and placed Steven on the top turnbuckle. He hooked his head and dropped to the ground with the "Original Sin." He make the cover and finally gets that elusive pinfall. Styles remarks that Baron Von Kevin may have "gotten the Stevie Richards Monkey off his back." Uh oh. I smell a merchandising opportunity...
Still to come: Ed Grimley vs. The Boogey Picker vs. Christopher Montgomery Punkenstein vs. Evil Randy Jackson.
Commercial Break. The Truth.com guy does an interview with a milk farmer and mentions how the tobacco industry said that drinking whole milk was more dangerous than second hand smoke. Well, I'm actually allergic to whole milk. So, in my case that's true. So...yeah. Shut up, Truth.com guy. Wash your hair already.
Video package of the Boogeyman. This is a message to all you kids out there. If you want to be a wrestler, do it before you turn 40 otherwise they're gonna make you eat worms.
Backstage, the Miz is still macking it to all three ladies of Extreme Expose. When Balls Mahoney approaches, Mike mocks his win/loss record. Kelly Kelly, who loves her some Balls, doesn't seem to be into the whole thing. She appears uncomfortable as the Real Worlder tells Mahoney that he feels his victory was a fluke last week. The Last Mimzy informs Captain Caveman to show that it wasn't by winning tonight. (JG Note: He would tell Ballsy to "Prove Me Wrong," but for some reason I think WWE would like that phrase to be...uh, phased out.) On the way out, Kelly wishes The B Man luck. Go get 'em, you scary, scary, mountain of love.
In the ECW GM room, Johnny Morrison is enjoying some food with Armando Estrada. When CM Punk arrives and takes some of his cantaloupe, he takes it personally and two have a staredown. Punk grins at the Champ and takes his leave. John looks on as he does and remarks to Mando that CM has "serious daddy issues." I'd say that they were planting a seed to make you think that the Straight Edger is Mr. McMahon's son, but no one plants seeds on WWE TV. They take seeds, put them in the ground, and the bash you over the head with a shovel and scream,
"LOOK! WE'RE PLANTING SEEDS! SEEDS! LOOK AT THE DAMN SEEDS!"
Commercial Break. Who Wants To Be A Superhero? I'm guessing either hardcore comic book fans or seriously delusional people who don't understand the difference between pretend and real. It's like holding auditions for "Who Wants To Be Little Red Riding Hood."
2. Elijah Burke pinned Balls Mahoney after the Elijah Experience
Mike the Miz sat at ringside for this one. He didn't do commentary because I guess that would be too much to have to write on the back of his wrist. You have to feel bad for Elijah Burke. Regardless of the outcome tonight, he has taken the biggest push drop in a while. He went from shaking hands with Mr. McMahon on TV to losing to Balls Mahoney. Hell, even if he was beating Balls every night...uh, you know what I mean...it would be a step down. Given the way he was portrayed mere months ago, most would have pegged him as ECW Champion by now. I know I did. For the duration of the match, Kelly Kelly stood at ringside and cheered on Mahoney while the announcers made puns about her being behind Balls. As much as you might think it gets old, it doesn't. It may be a tired pun, but it's better than listening to Ron Simmons rhyme the word "Damn" ten times in a four minute segment. You have to feel for Balls (JG Note: See what I mean?) He seemed to have the entire match finished with the Nutcracker Suite, but Elijah managed to get his feet on the ropes. He regained the momentum, dropped his kneepad, and ran in for an Elijah Express. Chalk up the victory for the guy with the Rudy Huxtable hair. Balls goes down. Balls falls flat. Balls gets covered. DAMN!
Following the bell, The Miz took the microphone and did an announcement of his own.
"The loser...Balls Mahoney!"
- The Miz
As Captain Canned Tan started to take the Slutty Nitro Girls back to the dressing room, Kelly Kelly broke away from the pack and ran into the ring to check on Mahoney. She rubbed Balls tenderly and helped bring him back to health. When he recovered, she left the ring, but turned back and waved to him. Hi. Hi there. Hello. Howdy.
Still To Come: The Four Horsemen on Acid.
Commercial Break. The Condemned is coming to DVD. Consider this a warning.
I'm straight edge. That means I'm better than you. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't do drugs.
I saw you drinking in the back.
Oh. Jack Daniels doesn't count.
OK. They why is there a cigarette in your mouth?
It's a candy cigarette. I just lit the end on fire accidentally.
Fine, but that about that heroin needle sticking out of your arm?
That's not heroin that's...um...straight edge juice. Hey. Look at the time. I gotta go smoke some cra....I mean, wrestle. I have to wrestle.
3. CM Punk won a # Contender Four Way Match over The Miz, Big Daddy V, and Boogeyman via pinfall over Miz
Say what you want about Big Daddy V. Sure, he looks like he's melting. Yes, he's a walking waterfall. But you know what? You can't wash that image out of your head. Once you see him, you remember it. No amount of therapy can take that image away. Plus, if you saw him coming towards you with a knife and a fork, all the Pee-No in the world wouldn't stop you from urinating all over your dungarees. He's a huge guy that's needed to be pushed like one since the day he arrived. Instead, he played a big purple member of the Sugar Hill Gang with a girl's name for years. Then he played a jobbing demon. Then he played a jobbing pervert. Now, he's big and scary. That's it. Nothing more. Nothing less. I guess you could say that those suspenders saved his career. If you need proof, you only needed to see the first few minuets of this match. Vis pounded the hell out of everybody. He avalanched CM Punk before tossing him "to the ground like a bag of wet cement," as Joey Style said. Big Daddy left carnage and broken bodies everywhere. He even took the time to shove a security guard at the barricade. It wasn't even a plant either. It was a real security guard. Just as I was letting that sink in, V got a head of steam and ran into Punk and Miz, who were laying against said barricade. They moved and he flipped right over it. His feet hit the guard and some people in the front row as he did, but what were they gonna do about it? He's like 1000 pounds. Would you say anything? (JG Note: "Excuse me. Mr. V? You accidentally kicked me. You don't say sorry, bitch-ass?") This mistimed attack was enough to take Mabel out of action for a while though. Boogeyman was also out too. This left Mizanin and Punk in the ring to do their thing. After a bulldog and a springboard clothesline, Straight Edge Charlie seemed to have the victory all sewn up but ended up only getting a two count. Tazz gave the ironic line of the night by saying that "CM Punk knows how to get his joint in your face." He explained that he meant a knee or elbow and not...you know, a
marijuana joint. However, he didn't need to explain verbally. Punky did it for him. He lifted Mikey in the air, slammed him into his knee with the "G.T.S' and scored himself a pinfall. Add another minute to his fifteen, CM is getting another shot at Johnny M.
After the official word, the Internet Darling called out to his fans while Big Daddy V and Matt Striker seethed in the ring.
Hey. I wonder if Matt ever calls in sick to Titan Tower and then secretly goes off to teach kids. Hmmmm.
As I'm pondering this, we fade to black.
All in all...Not a bad show. I like ECW right now. It's exactly what WWE needs. While so often we all complain about how Smackdown is portrayed as "The B Show," we don't here. Why? Because it's a given that this show isn't on the same level as the big ones. When that's out in the open and on the table, you can watch without picking things apart. It also gives talent a chance to headline one of WWE's brands when they would normally get eaten everywhere else.
I mean - The Miz? The closest he could get to the Raw Main event is in a Playstation Smackdown vs. Raw game. Even then, I think the disc might explode if he tries to do it. This is his chance to do his thing on a TV program with it's own brand. We're not talking Heat here. We're talking about a real brand with its own roster and commentators. It's real.
Look at Big Daddy V. This character transformation would be tough as hell to do on Smackdown. Too many people would be like, "COME ON! THAT'S VISCERA! GEEZ!" Sure some still do it now, but it's more accepted. ECW is here to reintroduce talent and give some people a chance that doesn't exist elsewhere. The fans know that and, for the most part, they seem to like it. It may not be the best wrestling show that the world has ever seen, but it's different. We've needed different for a very long time.
John Morrison shouldn't speak. I've said it before. He sounds too scripted and with his slick pop culture icon gimmick, he doesn't need to give prolonged promos. He just needs to stand around with his sunglasses on. He just doesn't sound natural and that's a problem. All that being said, his entrance and gimmick are cool. I just wish they'd protect it more by not letting him talk me out of caring about him every week.
If WWE is serious about using Stevie Richards on a consistent basis, then his feud with Kevin Thorne works. If this is a temporary thing to kill time while they get more talent for ECW, then it's not. In other words, if Richards goes back to blindly jobbing, then this whole story did nothing more than hurt Thorne. I'm hoping it's not. Both of these guys deserve more and could do a lot to help the brand.
Elijah Burke is getting his chance to see what it's like to go from awesome to afterthought. It makes no sense. Then again, things like this never do. He obviously has the talent. He has the look. He
had the momentum. Now they yanked it away. Even a win over Balls Mahoney tonight doesn't help much given how his involvement was nothing more than to help bolster the Mahoney-Miz feud.
As for Kelly Kelly and The Man From Nutley, New Jersey - eh. I can't really see anything amazing coming out of this. There's four ways the can go here.
A) Balls and Kelly end up together.
B) Kelly turns on Balls.
C) Balls turns on Kelly.
D) Any of those three things happen and then it gets dropped within two months.
I'm leaning towards D. I already fell for the Kelly tease when she was hitting on CM Punk. That storyline really took off, huh?
Not Mike Knox.
As I said, the show was good. I hope they continue to go at the rate their going. It's an easy to follow brand and one that doesn't have too much going on. As WWE's only one hour brand-specific show, they're definitely a favorite of many people who don't want to spend two hours hoping for something exciting. Even when ECW stinks, at least you haven't wasted the whole night.
That's it, guys. I'll be back on Raw next week and here with a new uncut interview in the next few days. Be Well and thanks for sharing my Extreme Insanity!