Vince McMahon: Bret, come on in. Wow. You're looking pretty big lately.

Bret Hart: I am? I haven't really been able to work out too much.

Vince: Oh, I'm sorry. I was talking to myself. I do that a lot. Take a seat. Can I offer you some spaghetti?

Bret: No thank you.

Vince: You sure? It's good. Earl Hebner swore on his kids that it's the best he ever had.

Bret: That's not funny.

Vince: Yes it is. Whatcha think, Johnny? Funny?

Johnny Ace: Yes it is. Real funny, Mr. McMahon.

Vince: See? It's funny. So, Bret. Bret, Bret, Bret. Bretatollah. How you been, man? How's the family?

Bret: That's not a subject I really want to discuss.

Vince: OK. Touchy. I get it. Hey, at least you have your health, right?

(Cold Stare)

Vince: Alrighty then. Let's just get started. Bret, we want you back. We have a ton of ideas for you.

Bret: I'm listening.

Vince: Well, OK. Here's the deal. We're really big on nostalgia right now. I mean, we're like really big on nostalgia. You remember Terry Taylor, right?

Bret: The guy that sang "You got a friend in me?"

Vince: That's James Taylor. I mean Terry Taylor. You know, the guy who played the Red Rooster.

Bret: Yeah, I know who you mean.

Vince: Well, that Red Rooster gimmick was so bad it was good. It's like a lot of our characters today. Snitsky, Heidenreich, Viscera. They're all so dumb that people like them.

Bret: You sure people like them?

Vince: Johnny, do people like them?

Johnny: Yes, sir. They love them. Mr. McMahon.

Vince: See? Well, anyway, we have a gimmick idea. It's sort of like a Rooster thing.

Bret: A rooster thing?

Vince: Yes. We can dress you up in feathers and call you a Rooster name. Johnny liked the idea of "Cock-a-Doodle Canadian," but I like - wait for it - "Cock Boy."

Bret: Cock boy? You want to call me Cock Boy?

Vince: Yes. It'll be huge in South Carolina.

Bret: Cock boy?!

Vince: We were thinking that we can put you in feathers and then have you lowered to the ring by a cable and harness.

(awkward silence)

Vince: (laughing) Oh God. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Oh God. Just a joke, man! Ah ha ha ha! I'm f**kin' witchu!

Johnny: He's f**kin' witchu!

Vince: See? F**kin' witchu! Ha ha ha. Too soon? Too soon. Ha ha. Ahhhh. Sorry. Anyway, Cock Boy, we called you here for a reason.

Bret: The DVD, right?

Vince: Yes, but first I need you to speak with someone. (dials phone and waits a moment) Hey Brock. It's Vince. There's someone I want you to talk to.

(handing phone to Bret)

Vince: Tell him your name and where you are.

Bret: Uh, hello? Yeah. This is Bret Hart. I'm at Titan Tower. What? OK, hold on. (handing phone back) Here you go. He's crying.

Vince: Hello? Yeah. Yeah. You hear that, pal? Huh? That's your f**kin' future, Brock. Bret "Mutha F**kin'" Hart is in my house, bitch! You're gonna end up like this broken down piece of crap in front of me. You're gonna be crawling on your hands and knees just like this punk-ass. Best there ever will be - my ass.

Bret: Vince, come on. I'm sitting right here, man. I can hear you.

Vince: (holding up one finger) One second, Bret. Don't worry. I'm not talking about you. ....What, Brock? No, I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to the groveling Cock Boy in front of me. Now, if I were you, I'd take a look in the mirror and rethink my position. If I could get this whiny little Hitman to return home, I can get anyone to. Now listen to this...

Click

Bret: Hey, man. I totally know you were talking about me.

Vince: Yeah? That's a shame. Whatever. Forget all that. Look, we have some ideas for you to return to TV.

Bret: But I don't want to return to TV.

Vince: You don't want to what? Are you kidding me? You're making decisions? Ha ha! Creative control? You playing creative control with me? Do you see WCW around here? Do you? It's not 1997, Cock Boy. It's 2005. The only creative control wrestlers have around here is choosing which guy rapes them on television.

Bret: Fine. So what are your ideas?

Vince: You can kiss my ass on pay-per-view.

Bret: No.

Vince: OK then. We could hire back Goldberg for a shortened contract so that he can kick you in the head every week on Smackdown. You know, just for shits and giggles.

Bret: No.

Vince: Fine. Oh, here’s an idea. You can kiss my ass on TV.

Bret: I already said no to that.

Vince: OK, OK. How about instead of kissing my ass on TV, you can kiss my ass on TV? Sound good?

Bret: No. That's the same thing.

Vince: Oh. Thought I could sneak that in on you. Apparently you're more aware of things than I was lead to believe. To be honest, I thought you would jump at the Cock Boy idea and we'd be done with this meeting in time for me to catch Judge Judy.

Bret: So, are we done?

Vince: You still want to do this DVD, right? We're gonna call it "90 Minutes of Cock Boy Kissing Vince's Ass." You like? We're gonna include some old matches and...uh, some other stuff.

Bret: Let me guess. Me, dressed as a rooster, kissing your ass.

Vince: Well we can work that out in post-production....oh, hey! Hulk! What's up?

Hulk Hogan enters the room. The lights turn yellow and red.

Hulk Hogan: What the hell is he doing here?

Vince: You said to call him. You said we should give him his own DVD.

Hulk: I said Jimmy Hart, not Bret.

Vince: Oh.

Bret: Great. So there's nothing for me to do here, eh?

Vince: Uh, can you get the Canadian fans to stop cheering for Christian?

Bret: No.

Vince: Well then...vamoose, Cock Boy. Your time is done here. Besides we need this conference room. Dusty Rhodes should be here with that pizza we ordered any minute now.

Well, hell froze over last week and Bret Hart came to Titan Tower. Will he be at Raw? No. No, he won't. He was there to discuss The Bret Hart DVD that's being worked on. Well, with all the DVDs being worked on, who's working on Raw? Who's working on constructing the continuing saga between Hollywood Hulk Hogan and the Icon that Can Still Go, Shawn Michaels? Who's scripting the next Jericho-Cena verbal showdown? A nine year old perhaps? What about the brewing tension between Matt Hardy and Edge? Notice I didn't bring up Kane. He's a faker. Matt told me. Hardy's Summerslam match is the real deal. It's not like that Kane crap, that was all fake. That fake faker. How dare he? Next thing you're gonna tell me is that he's not really a necrophilia-loving dentist. Please don't. That would just crush me. OK. OK. Enough with the melodrama. Let's just settle down, put our feet up, and prepare for the Insanity that is...Raw.

Last week Eric Bischoff told Chris Jericho and Carlito to hatch a plan and beat John Cena. They failed. Afterwards, Chris made funny faces and John bled all over himself.

Raw Theme Plays. Shake your butt. Oh, I don't mean "shake your butt" as in dance. I mean "shake your butt" as in actually shake your butt. These Raws tend to drag on lately and chances are your ass is gonna fall asleep.

Eugene Dinsmore is here in a Hulk Hogan shirt. He has Kurt Angle's medals and a $250,000 manager, Christy Hemme, to escort him to the ring. Playing up his gimmick, Dinsmore tells us how Hulk Hogan is his favorite wrestler. Before long, it becomes clear that Gene isn't Pittsburgh's favorite wrestler as he starts to get some mixed reactions. At this point, Hemme thinks it's best to start jumping up and lead a cheer. She begins to spell Eugene's name, but Angle's music interrupts her. It's a good thing because I don't think that Christy would be able to make it past "g."

His Angleness is here and he thinks enough is enough. Apparently no one realized that the crowd would be solidly behind their boy Kurt. When he tells Gene that "you're in my hometown, baby," the crowd goes buck. Eugene isn't the type of gimmick that can get over well while getting booed. It seems weird. This thing was weird. Then KA says that Hogan isn't the hero here because Pittsburgh already has a hero. Once again, the crowd cheers. Dinsmore responds by holding up his gold medals. The arena responds to this by chanting "Eugene Sucks." Kurt finishes up by saying he would break Eugene's "damn ankle." Eugo acts shocked and says that the Olympian said the "D Word." The crowd, of course, boos him and cheers when Angle attacks. Yes. You read all that right. WWE actually constructed a scenario where a psychopath was cheered for attacking a mentally handicapped good guy with the winner of a viewer-voted female popularity contest posing as his manager. Wow.

(1) Eugene defeated Kurt Angle via Disqualification This is not a good start for WWE's night. When the very first promo involves talking over the audience so that their against-the-grain cheering doesn't screw up your momentum, you're in trouble. The only good thing is that Angle is from Pittsburgh so some of the strange cheering patterns might have to do with that. Then again, WWE is using some fragile babyfaces right now and it wouldn't be too far fetched to think that the audience might be growing restless. The Pittsburgh People booed Eric Bischoff's fake nephew to the end. They gave a brief pop for a bouncing Hemme, channeling her Juggy days as she bounced on the apron to distract the ref. Finally, the strange scene ended with Angle being disqualified after accidentally hitting the ref. After the official word, Eugene Dinsmore celebrated his win, basking in a chorus of boos.

Once the match was over, Kurt went to town on Eugene. Who would save him? Who could stop this madness? If you guessed it would be an orange man with a big walrus moustache who hires babysitters for his teenage children, well then you win a shiny new apple!

Hulk Hogan's here and no one cares. It's as if we're all in Canada as the crowd goes from booing to mixed to apathetic. (JG Note: The entire thing makes me picture a scene from Rocky V. You know, the one where Paulie turned to Rocky and said, "There's your ship." Hey yo, what ship? "The one that's sinking.") Tommy "The Hulk" Gunn poses with Dinsmore as Lawler hypes the Hogan-Shawn Michaels face off later tonight. Hey! I forgot about that. With this audience, that ought to be fun.

Still to come: Hulk Hogan goes face to face with Shawn Michaels. Also, John Cena debuts his new song. Instead of stealing a title from Rikishi's old theme, he opts to steal one from Van Halen. "Right Now" will drop later tonight. You'd think they'd play "Right Now" right now, right? Wrong. Later. Right now...hey! It's your tomorrow...Right now! Come on, it's everything! Right now! It's a magic moment...

Commercial Break. "Get in touch with your inner native." Then kill him and take his land.

(2) Chris Masters defeated Shelton Benjamin via Masterlock Submission Chris Masters beat Shelton Benjamin. Say it again with me. Chris Masters beat Shelton Benjamin. Now before you write this off as internet smarky BS, I'm not taking a stance on who I personally enjoy seeing wrestle more. Forget that. Forget the names. What I do see is WWE taking a former Intercontinental Champion and jobbing him cleanly in his first post-title feud. It's a mistake. The only way this would make sense is if Masters was getting huge reactions and needed to kill a big name quick. In that case, Shell would be toast too. No matter what, he looks like crap when he's used to put over a young guy so soon after dropping a belt. In a situation like this, beating Benji doesn't make Chris look good as much as it makes Shelton look bad. A victory over the former champion now doesn't help anyone. If Shelly had been used in a throw away feud of two that he could win easily after Carlito, things would be OK. Instead he's one feud away from doing the dreaded "I Can't Seem To Win Lately" gimmick. My favorite part of the match was the Coach calling Chris a "Walking Art Museum." The Masterpiece ends up winning this one with a Full Nelson and sadly it's not looked at as too big of an upset.

Todd Grisham got a haircut and he's hanging in the hallway. Outside Eric Bischoff's office, Grishy is waiting for Kurt Angle to emerge. What up, Kurtis? You seem happy even though you lost the Eugene Invitational. Eugene Invitational? Angle mocks the mere term. That's a joke! You know what Uncle Eric had to say, TG? Huh? Do ya? He said that your Olympic Hero will get his chance to shut Geney Dinsmore up once and for all come Summerslam. There's no time limit. It's a straight up match and this time around, Eugo will be lucky to escape with a broken ankle. It's true, baby. That sh*t is so true that it makes it's own gravy, kid. Know what I mean? No? Me neither. Watch some ads.

Commercial Break. Summerslam: The Guy Who Screwed Bret against the Guy Who Screwed Everybody Else.

Rob Conway is standing by with the dumb girl pretending to be a an even dumber girl, Maria. This time around Mr. Slave has opted to not wear his leather cap. Instead Rob is sporting his sunglasses and telling us about his fat content. Apparently Mr. Conway is 98% Fat Free. (JG Note: The ladies call him "Mr. Breyer's Ice Cream.") Maria acts like she knows what numbers mean and says "Wow, 98% Fat Free?" The former Resister tells her that he's still filling. You see, Mr. Conway does things..."not the freaky way, not the wrong way but...the Con-way!" This guy's gimmick just gets more and more mushed up every time I see him. What the hell is he? Maybe Viscera could help sort all of this out. Like a superhero, whenever there is a problem with a ridiculous gimmick, Vis will arrive to squash it. The big man tells The Con Man that he looks good. Yeah, that's right. Surprise, surprise. Mabel wants to nail him. He looks up and down his body and asks him if he's a member of the "Village People or something." From there, he sings "YMCA." (JG Note: That's right. WWE actually realizes that they dressed up Rob like a member of the Village People and they're cool with that.) Then there's a face to face staredown and the big Man threatens to lay Connie "face down" and give him the Visagra. Lawler and Ross are incredulous. End scene. OK. I'm gonna be 100% honest with everyone right now. If I wasn't reviewing this show, I would change the channel. I find there to be nothing keeping me on Spike TV other than an implied promise of man rape on Raw. Remember the days when they told us to stay tuned for the conclusion of Greg Valentine versus Jimmy Snuka from the Boston Garden? Now they tell us to stay tuned so the 500 pound monster can dry hump the leather wearing Mr. Slave guy. We've come a long way, baby. A long way.

Last week, Vince McMahon rehired Matt Hardy. Matt then sat in his limo. My super secret sources report that Matt drank a can of diet Cream Soda while in the limo. If any of Matt's die-hard female fans want this empty can, I am selling it for $2000. Let me know. I have like 50 of them.

We then recap the Edge-Hardy feud. Watching the video, Jerry Lawler says that "everywhere Edge and Lita were, Matt Hardy showed up." You know what? If Matt had just done that in the first place, we wouldn't be in this mess.

That's when we go to Edge. Edge is here for one reason and one reason only. He's here to save this whole feud. No joke, folks. Adam Copeland's proceeding promo blew Mattitude's out of the water and showed something that we've all wanted to see from Edge since he debuted. There was real passion and intensity from him. He delivered it in a way that didn't seem forced.

First off, Copeland got Matty rehired. It was he that asked Vince McMahon to rehire the jilted boyfriend. Why? Well he can assault the Hardy Boy at Summerslam and not end up in jail. That's always a good thing. Then we get nasty. He says that he sent the Bischoff-sent security home. Cope puts things in perspective. How? Well with a bitch slap the likes of which Matt hasn't seen since Scott Steiner pummeled him and Chris Nowinski at the Survivor Series. I refrained from italics because it's long and I know that grates on the eyes. See? I care about you and your eyes. I gotcha back and everything.

Edge (9:35pm): "I saw your promo last week, Matt, and I think it was pathetic! It was absolutely pathetic and after all the months of dragging our names though the mud, our personal lives out there for everyone to see and that's all you can muster up from your stomach, from your guts?! Well, my hands are shaking and it's from hate. Its from real emotion, Matt. This! This is passion! This is intensity. This is real! This is why Lita left your for me. You said last week that you wanted me to get in a car accident. For me, it's the opposite. I want you being nice and safe, Matt. You get in the car and strap that seatbelt in tight. Because at Summerslam, I'm gonna prove that you don't measure up as a man to me in, in, in any way. In any way. You whined and complained and you bitched and moaned last week saying Lita was the girl of your dreams. You wanted to marry her. Matt, you were with her for six years but you never proposed. So let me fill in the blanks here. I figured it out. You see, no one comes before Matt Hardy and his wrestling legacy. I've heard you say it! Nothing comes before V1. That being said, Matt, you should thank me. That sounds strange, but you should thank me. You've never gotten reactions like this before in your career. You're in the main event picture now and why? Why? Because you're riding my coattails in. Yeah. You see while you were defending the Cruiserweight Championship, running around with your little MFers, me? I was fighting Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Triple H, Shawn Michaels - I earned my main event stripes! I deserve to be where I am. And why are you here? Because your girlfriend fell in love with a main eventer. So Matt Hardy, the main event spotlight is shining on you. Your 15 minutes in the spotlight is shining and I know it feels good. But we're 13 minutes into it and time is slowly ticking away and at Summerslam, Matt, I end it. And I know that cuts close to the bone, I know it does, and I know it hurts. The truth usually does."

Viscera is on his way to the ring and he's gonna bang him some Conway.

Commercial Break.

(2) Rob Conway pinned Viscera after Vis's knee went out This is insane. Pure pointless filler garbage. Glad to see this was the big post-Resistance plan for Rob. I'm starting to think that tag team was cursed. All they have to do is give Sylvan Grenier a cookie monster gimmick and I'm convinced. This match ended when Mabel went down to a knee thing and Robby C scored a pin. Someone get that man his leather panties. There's some celebrating to do!

Coming up: Right now! Hey! It's your tomorrow. Right now! Come on, it's everything... Right now! Catch your magic moment. Do it right here and now. It means everything... Miss a beat, you lose a rhythm. And nothin' falls into place. No! Only missed by a fraction...Slipped a little off your place. Oh!

Commercial Break. The Optimum Voice "How To Use a Telephone" Commercial was funny at first. Now it's really annoying. That didn't take long. He says that if I have a telephone jack, I'm in business. Sorry, man. I don't do that over the phone.

Stand back! There's a Hurricane coming through!

Ahhhhhhh!

(3) The Heartthrobs & Victoria defeated Hurricane, Rosey, & Stacy Kiebler when Antonio pinned Rosey I thought Conway was filler. I guess this is filler. Think of Raw as a double-stuff Oreo. It's OK, but it has a bunch of fluff. If the outside cookies are delicious, like when the main storylines are interesting, the fluff is doubly good. If the outside cookies are made of sawdust and dead ants, like they are now, it's not. The big story here was that Vicki slammed Kiebler's back into the wall and may have hurt her. I'd care, but after the last year I've learned to not get attached to any on-air Divas since they all get fired anyway. Sorry, ladies. The only old ladies Vinnie Mac wants around are Mae Young and Moolah. This match was pointless. Even if it was done to start a feud, it's a feud with people I don't care about. Why don't I care about them? WWE has given me no reason to. They're in a promotion that doesn't promote them. Why should I care? Rose ended up getting hit with the Shakersheights Spike or whatever they call it and finds himself pinned by Beau or Blake or John Tatum or Rod Price or whoever the hell that guy's supposed to be.

Commercial Break. I missed Larry King Live with Big Daddy Hogan. The video WWE showed was Larry asking Hulk why Shawn Michaels kicked him. He finished up by saying "You don't know the ending to this." The Hulkster replied that he did not, thus proving how easily he can lie to your face.

Call Goofus. Call Gallant. The Highlight Reel is rolling and it's time to welcome...New...New...New...World Order....Eric Bischoff...

Easy E has arrived and he looks like the father of the man who was in the N.W.O. in 1996. While a lot is mother nature, a lot is self induced. His whole look is different. It's like he's in the witness relocation program. I want to know who told him, "Hey man, you know what would be a good look on you? Let it go gray and get a buzz cut. Man, you'll look just like a peach on black and white television! Awesome!" EB thanks Y2J for having him on his show and then tells the audience to enjoy John Cena's Van Halen rip-off song because after Summerslam, he'll have nothing but his music career left! Ha! That's right. Mr. He's-Taking-Time-Off, He's-Not-Taking-Time-Off is gonna down the C-Man and take the Gold. To back the point up, Chris turns our attention to the Jeritol 5000 for a video of him beating up John Cena.

The video is for the song "To Kill a Stranger." Huh? Look, I'm not a Fozzy Fan, but I know that this song is mad old. He was playing this years ago. As for the song itself - It was just as I remembered it. Take that statement however you want.

Bischoff commends Jericho's singing ability and tells him that there is one man responsible for last week's botched plan to unseat Cena. That man is Chad Patton! Bischoff says to "get him some music" and get him out here!

Yo, we need music for Chad Patton. What do you have?

I have the theme from Raw and the theme from the Love Boat. Which one?

Referee Chad Patton marches to the ring with the Raw theme blaring and is ready to take his reprimanding. We recall last week's footage and see that Patton was simply doing his job when he counted three in a match he wasn't scheduled to officiate. Irate, Uncle Eric slaps him in the face. (JG Note: See? You can change the hair, but you can't change the man. Chad is just lucky that Bischoff didn't have a cup of coffee at the time. Otherwise he'd be soaked by now, Esse Vato Holmes.) Patton continues to get up and get slapped by the James E. Bischoff. After a good symbolic slapping, the Scottsdale Slugger then ups the issue and demands an apology from young Chadwick. At this point, EB is flipping out and you can tell that he's loving this skit. Anything that allows him to play crazy boss is A-OK in his book. Eric doesn't want you to be sorry, Chad! No! No! It's Atlanta, bitch! You're gonna be punished! That's right! Eric's in charge. Yee Haw! Time for some CNN Center Justice. Tonight, the referee will be facing Y2J himself! How's that? Patton versus Jericho...next! Muwahahaha!

Commercial Break. Barbershop - the Series is coming out. How much can these squeeze out of this franchise? Can I get Barbershop Cereal? Maybe some whole grain oats shaped like Cedric the Entertainer of something?

Hey Chad.

Dangerous Danny Davis! Oh my God! Is it really you?

(4) Chris Jericho defeated Chad Patton via Walls of Jericho submission What's really funny is that Chad Patton started the match by going on the attack. This is the guy who just got slapped silly by Eric Bischoff. Now he's attacking Chris Jericho. Chad should have rolled into the fetal position and peed himself at the start of the match. Things went on slowly and Pat ended up with his shirt torn off at one point. This draws Carlito from the back for some reason. He arrives and walks around on the outside while Fozzy tears into the ref with some knife edges. Carl gets some shots in from the outside and Chris eventually locks in the Walls of Jericho for the win. Jericho wins! Jericho wins! Praise God, Jericho wins!

John Cena's here! Just like Dante Hicks, he's not even supposed to be here today. Against doctor's orders, JC has showed up to stop the after-match assault! Y2Cheap and Eric Cheap-Off run away from Johnny and his spin-and-say WWE belt.   

Commercial Break. "Wanna become the Animal? Dial it up 619 Style?" That's the opening from WWE's Shopzone commercial. It's like the voice-over announcer is hitting on us. Uh, do I want to become the Animal and dial it up 619 style? With you? No. No I don’t.

Backstage Chris Jericho and Eric Bischoff are losing their minds. Once again, Todd Grisham is in the right place. He always get the good scoops. With mic in hand, he's able to get word on next week's Raw. It'll be John Cena meeting Chris Jericho...and Carlito! Ahhh! I'm not screaming because this match is shocking. I'm screaming because I'm so bored of this conflict.

Coachman's here and someone is going back to the factory where old Diva contestants are sent. This week's evicted houseguest is Crystal. She and her large hair leave. I don't feel like I know who she was at all. Maybe that's why she's going home. Like Steve Martin in the Jerk, Coachman says that we can't grieve forever. Let's go to this week's contest. The girls were told that they had to beg for votes on video. However, WWE threw some adversity in there for fun. Let's see how you handled the situation when things didn’t go according to plan. Yes, girls. Lesson #1: WWE likes to lie to you.

Ashley: She holds up a cue card with her Long Island phone number on it. After she's done telling me her number and why she's giving it to America, someone reaches in and slams a pie in her face. Coachman, who was hilarious here, looks at his watch and says, "You still have 20 seconds."

Leyla: She holds up a big sign with her name on it. She claims to be naked while hiding behind the card. When her pie comes, we see that there's a bikini on. Coach does his 20 second warning and Ley says that she loves the pie's flavor.

Elisabeth: She comes out to talk smack. She has "walked the walk" and "talked the talk." When someone hits her with a pie, she looks like she might cry. Instead she works through it and says that she's not a slutty girl like the others. I don't know, Lis. I think we're looking for a slutty girl here. Isn't that the point?

This whole thing was weird. It was almost funny and definitely more entertaining than any other Diva contest they've done yet. Nothing like watching WWE haze the newbies on TV. (JG Note: WWE should have had a skit where William Regal made tinkle on them) Then again, with three women left and one week left to vote, WWE hasn't done much to help me know anyone too well. If I had to pick one, I'd pick Elisabeth. Only because I think Leyla might be a plant and the other girl gave out her number on television which seemed pretty desperate. We'll find our winner soon. Then we'll have an answer...oh and also WWE can finally just fire Torrie Wilson already.

Commercial Break. The Ultimate Fighter 2 is coming to Spike TV. Doesn't Ultimate imply that there's one?

(5) Matt Hardy pinned Gene Snitsky after the Super Twist of Fate I don't know. What would you call it? He did the Twist of Fate from the second turnbuckle while Snits was on top. What a dumb idea this match was. Did WWE try to figure out the best way to take the steam out of Hardy early? If so, they succeeded. Funny enough, I think they actually did try to figure it out and succeeded. Between this and the Edge promo, character-wise, Hardy blows Chunks. (JG Note: I'm kidding. He doesn't even know Chunks.) This was a real throwaway match that ended just like I told you - with that Twist of Fate thing.

After the bell, Edge ran out and attacked Matt. I guess he figured he might as well physically kick Hardy's ass after doing it verbally earlier. If Matty doesn't step up, he's done. I hope he kept Dixie Carter's number programmed into his cell phone. Something tells me he should be free again real soon.

Commercial Break.

John Cena's video for "Right Now" plays. The song itself wasn't horrible. Look, I'm not against Cena. I actually hope he succeeds in getting some sort of mainstream recognition with his music. It'll only help the business. Then again, this is a big gamble. If he succeeds, he'll be on another level. If he fails, then his videos will be looked back on like the WCW Mini-Movies and Ico-Pro: You Gotta Want It.

Commercial Break. The 40 Year Old Virgin is coming on the big screen at a theater near you.

Hey guys, Coach and Ross want you to come back next week. We have some good stuff. Kurt Angle fights Hulk Hogan. That'll be fun, right? Right? Just watch...pleeeeease! Be your best friend!

Jerry Lawler is here and he has the duty of introducing two legends. Jerry doesn't count as one because he didn't make his name on Vince's watch. Up first was Shawn Michaels. Following him was Hulk Hogan. The two stood at podiums and the electricity was so thick that you could literally...well, nothing. You can't do anything to it. It's electricity. You can't even see it.

The Heartbreak Kid started by thanking the ultra-busy Hollywood Hogan for taking time from his ultra-busy schedule to join us. From there, Shawn lets Hulk know that the words he's said on recent media appearances are -surprise, surprise - untrue. Hogan claimed that Shawn wanted to be him. That ain't right, leather face. HBK isn't jealous of you at all! You got nothing in your life that Michaels wants, man! (JG Note: Come on, Shawn. What about his phat moustache? You know you want that) The Boy Toy tells the aging egotist that his time has passed. Even though he cuts down his accomplishments, there's no reason to take offense. Why? Well, those critiques aren't coming from one of Shawn's peers. Instead, it's coming from someone that lived off of show and personality. Hogan isn't even a threat to Michaels anymore. Kid Heartbreak passed by Hulky and nothing is going to stop him from showing the world that all the personality in the world can't get by the Showstopper at Summerslam. Booyah, Orange Boy.

Jerry then asks the Hulkster how he felt about Shawn's imitation of him. Instead of allowing the VH1 Star to answer, the Midnight Rocker let him have it again. He told Double H that for once he's facing someone who doesn't sweat him. He promises to be the first one not to crumble to the image of Hulk Hogan and Hulkamania. What's WWE gonna do? Fire the Boy Toy? Ha! He's fired all the time. He comes back, though. Know why? Because this place can't exist without Shawn! He calls the Head Hulkster an old man and refers to himself as the most real thing on TV today. (JG Note: What about the show Real TV? That has "real" right in the name.) He then accuses Hulk of wearing false teeth and that's just too much for the old bastard to take.

Hoagie then jumps in and rips on Shawny for leaving WWE after "losing your smile." He decides to butcher history by saying that it was for "seven years." He calls him the king of cheap shots and says that the attack he suffered from Michaels was just "par for the course." Because, as Hogan put it, all he would have to do to counteract HBK's verbal barrage is "call Bret Hart." Oooo. (Vince McMahon Note: There Bret. We mentioned you on Raw. Now you know we're cool. We won't screw you again. Honest Injun. This time no foolies.) From there, Brooke's dad lays down the law. He exposes Shawn-o's ego to the world. H.H. doesn't do this for his own smiles. He does it for the smiles of the fans. That's right. He's the People's Champion. Hulk Hogan does this for the people....oh, and the 40 Million he has in the bank and says isn't enough to make his family happy. From there, he threatens to kick Shawn's ass at Slam. We finish up with a "What are you gonna do Shawn Michaels when...."

Superkick. That's what he's gonna do.

Oh...oh...except it was Jerry Lawler that got the kick, not Hogan. With Lawler down, Michaels turned his attention to Hollywood Hogan and they trade punches. Eventually, the Heartbreak Kid suffers the classic heel fate. He's tossed the outside so Hulk Hogan can pose.

We fade to black with Jim Ross telling us that the one reason Summerslam is sold out is because of Michaels and Hogan. I kid you not.

**

This show was saved by Edge and Shawn Michaels. There's really no way around it.

Eugene's opening segment was horrible. The crowd reaction killed the entire thing. Maybe it would have been better to not have Kurt Angle participate in a set up for his feud as a heel in front of his own hometown. There's something about seeing fans boo a wrestler who's supposed to be mentally challenged that sticks in your mind for a while. Having Hogan arrive to save Gene from the homeboy of PA wasn't smart either. You want to protect your big name. Like it or not, WWE has chosen to make Hulk the big name while Triple H is out of action. WWE should know better than to put him in that position.

Thankfully, we had Shawn to save things at the end with a great speech. HBK has continually done well when allowed to be arrogant. Hulk was good too. He wasn't the best he's been and the character he plays isn't like it used to be. The days of Hulk Hogan's innocence are over. Fans have been told how he's a manipulator. They see him acting full of himself. It's a different time. No more saying prayers and taking vitamins I guess.

A match between Shawn Michaels and Jerry Lawler next week could be what Shawn needs to really solidify his stance as a heel on the show. Beating up announcers always helps.

I hated Jim Ross saying that the one reason Summerslam is sold out is because of Hulk and Shawn. Hey John Cena, it's not that we can't see you. It's that you don't matter.

Edge saved the Matt Hardy storyline. He saved it. His speech tonight was awesome and hit the bone on so many levels. It's one thing to say, "I'm a better wrestler than you." It's another to say, "Watch me do a better promo than you" and then do it. Adam Copeland did that. Great segment and the closest we're getting to shoot. Not in the sense that Copeland really hates Matt or whatever. It's a shoot in the sense that he made real points that were black and white true. Will it hurt Hardy's credibility? Sure. I don't think WWE cares about that. Version One should have seen this coming. Copeland will rise in all this and when it's all done, he's going to be the main eventer and Matty will be back to working us all via the internet.

Filler. Filler. Filler. My third favorite thing tonight was the Raw Diva Search. What does that say? I wish WWE could have stuffed the show with some better moments. Shelton jobbing to Masters. The Heartthrobs. Chad Patton getting pimpslapped. Splendid. Raw had some great moments tonight. Too bad they were all done on the microphone. Two good interviews in two hours doesn't equal much in my book.

See you all next week. Be Well and prepare. The real insanity begins soon.

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