JG's 9/13/04 Raw Insanity: Lita Does a Belly Flop, Benji Comes Home, and Orton's a Cakeboy

JG's 9/13/04 Raw Insanity: Lita Does a Belly Flop, Benji Comes Home, and Orton's a Cakeboy

Originally Published September 13, 2004

The Day After Unforgiven 2004...

Randy Orton: This is the first time I've sat at this table. I think they called it the "forgotten table." They said it's only for the night.

Steven Richards: It's not so bad. Sooner or later creative will think of something good for all of us. The plus side is that you get to attend the big company dinners following pay-per-views with everyone else. The down side is that you sit at the kids table on the end. It's not so bad, you get used to it.

Orton: I'm not staying here. I already told you that. It's just for tonight. I had a bad night at Unforgiven.

Richards: Oh, I'm sorry. You had a bad night? Were the panties you were forced to wear too tight for you?

Orton: Uh, no one made me wear panties.

Richards: Well, then shut your goddamn mouth! Shut up! Don't tell me about a bad night! I had on panties! What happened to you? You lost the World Title? Screw you! I had on friggin' panties!

Tyson Tomko: Hey f*gg*t, pass the peas.

Richards: (passing the peas) See what I have to deal with?

Jon Heidenreich: (upset) I'm using the wrong fork. I've been eating my salad for ten minutes and I've been using my dinner fork. Oh man.

Rosey: It's ok, Jon. Don't worry about it.

Heidenreich: (hitting himself in the head) I'm so stupid! Wrong fork! Goddamnit! Wrong fork, Hei-den-reich! Wrong fork! God hates stupid children! God hates stupid children! Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Orton: Holy crap. Is he ok?

Richards: No biggie. He does that all the time. That's why we make him wear the little boxing gloves. That way he doesn't hurt himself.

Garrison Cade: Hey! Remember me?

Orton: Yeah! You were the kid that played Dennis the Menace, right?

Cade: No, actually I'm a wrestler on Monday Night…

Orton: Hey, Mr. Wilson! Haha! That always cracked me up. Do it. Do the Mr. Wilson thing.

Cade: I'm not…ah screw it. Hey, Mr. Wilson!

Richards: What are you doing? You're Garrison Cade.

Cade: Shut up. This is the first time in months that someone's recognized me. If he thinks I'm Dennis the Menace, let him think it.

Mark Jindrak: Hey guys, I think Vince McMahon is telling a joke at the big table. I can't hear what he's saying, but laugh anyway.

All: Ha ha ha.

Orton: This sucks. You guys like sitting here?

Rosey: I'm thrilled to be sitting at this table. Before Mordecai got sent to OVW and a seat opened up, I had to eat in my car.

Heidenreich: Goddamnit! The butter! I forgot to ask them for extra butter! Jon, you'll never learn! Why do you do these things?! Hei-den-reich! Damnit! Damnit! Damnit!

Orton: That guy's starting to freak me out.

Richards: You think that's weird? On his initial run, he used to sit here and talk to his weenis. He called it "little Johnny." Don't worry, kid. You'll get used to it.

Orton: I told you already! It's only temporary.

Test: Yeah, that's what they told me after my botched wedding to Stephanie. I haven't been at the big table since Davey Boy Smith knocked her out with a trash can.

Orton: Well that's you. That's not me. I'm not staying at this table.

Shannon Moore: I think you'll fit in just fine with us.

The Bashams: Come and play with us, Randy. Forever and ever…

Orton: Noooooo!

Rosey and Johnny the Bull: (chanting) One of us! One of us! One of us!

Orton: Nooooo! Help! Damn you all to hell!

Rod Serling: Submitted for your approval, a one month title reign. A champion's ladder lined with grease, forcing the great young star to slide down with each rung he advances. The Legend Killer learned a lesson that sometimes the only legend that really is killed can be your own…in the Twilight Zone.

Cue Twilight Zone music

Well last night the unthinkable happened - Triple H became World Champion. After years of struggling and false starts, the Game is finally getting his time in the sun. Yeah, I'm being sarcastic. While I can understand the rationale behind giving Captain H the strap, I can't help but point out that it was the promotion's own missteps that necessitated it. Had Randy Orton been given the chance to shine as the top titleholder in the role that made him popular, he would have had a chance at success. Unfortunately, they turned him, broiled him, fried him, and sent him out to pasture. At the end of the month, we all wonder why it didn't work out. Duh.

Forget all that. Tonight's a new night and it's the start of a new era. Will Kane have something to say to that "crazy redhead" Lita following her hand in his Heartbreaking loss to Shawn Michaels? Do La Resistance have another plan up their French Canadian sleeves for the Man Saws, Rhyno and Tajiri? Is it time for the new Champion Triple H to go balls to the wall and take out the arrogant hero Randy Orton? Can WWE find something worse to put Steven Richards through before releasing him via ambiguous statement on WWE.com? Maybe they can cover him in sewage and hold a raffle where 100 lucky fans can pummel him with baseball bats. Whatever, whatever. Unforgiven is over and in many ways, WWE remains unforgiven for charging people for it. Tonight's free...to an extent. Spike Lee TV is on the screen and it's time to do things Raw.

Raw Theme Plays. They keep updating the opening montage but never the song. It's the little things that drive us crazy.

Forget that Raw Theme, it's time for the real Raw Theme. Ric Flair is live - whooo - and in living color center ring. He's surrounded by women and a big cake. The special occasion? Hit the music.

Sir, we here at Bennigan's realize that you have a gimmick. We know that you spit water. We understand that you need to practice. However, we ask that you please stop doing that in our restaurant. The other tables are drenched in Mountain Dew.

Triple H has arrived and he's got ol' Miss Betsy with him. Title slung over his shoulder, the Game is set to tell you how things stand around here. The title is finally back where it belongs. Hunter claims to be the King and reclaim his throne. (JG Note: For some reason, Jerry Lawler doesn't care. When Bret Hart became a king, Jerry beat his ass. Hunter - nothing. Yup. Bret screwed Bret.) Hunter's incensed at the audience. They cheered and stood for the spit take that Randall did to the Game's face. They all laughed, but the old saying says that he who laughs last, laughs best. He recalls last night's match with Ort and likens it to the hocking up...actually, here's what he said:

"He who laughs last, laughs best. And today, I'm laughing. I'm laughing because last night when I beat Randy Orton, I hocked up the biggest, thickest, nastiest, greenest, most disgusting clam that I could muster up and I spit it in each and every one of your faces! And I'm looking out right now at your faces and I could see it hang ...Oh you can complain, but I can see the big clam hanging off your chin right now and you know what? There ain't a damn thing you can do about it. You can't even wipe it off and you know why? Because I stand here before you as your World Heavyweight Champion!"
- Triple H, 9:07pm

Ric Flair and the stripper women bow while Batista laughs. Trips tells the women to stand up, as there will be plenty of time for them to be on their knees later. Now that the formalities are out of the way, Helmsley can step back and let the strippers tear his clothes off. They do and he's all smiles. The shirtless Hunter is pleased as punch over his gifts tonight, but he knows that the best thing to come is inside the giant cake. After all, surmises Gameboy, if these women are any indication of the night's companionship, the cake must have a full fledged hotty inside. Ric Flair claims that Batista put the surprise together while Tista says it was Flair's doing. Apparently neither one knows who's inside, which is about as obvious as spray painting "Randy Orton" on the side of it. H Man instructs the women to hang back and let him open his dessert. He tells them that after the dream woman inside the cake jumps on him, they are free to jump in too. (JG Note: At this point, we've all come to expect that Randy Orton is jumping out of the cake. However there's still just a small doubt that says it wouldn't be surprising to see Triple H participate in a full-blown orgy to start Raw.) Of course the cake opens and it's not a woman. It's that ungrateful Randy Orton and he's mad!

Randall goes buck on Evolution, sending everyone from pillar to post with punches. He slams his fists into Batista and really busts open his nose. With Flair and Batista falling from the ring, Randy is left alone with Trips and his title. Helmsley slips and slides in the icing while Orton hold aloft the Championship. Covered in frosting, the Cerebral Assassin gets to his feet and is knocked in the head with the strap. He falls head first into the cake and his feet dangle out while the Legend Killer holds up the belt he had for a month. Overall, this was a good segment, even if predictable. Everytime I see a gift box, I expect Abdullah the Butcher to jump out. Damn you WCW!

Commercial Break. There's a CSI Commercial with a guy telling the home invader that he's doing things all wrong. It ends with the robber carrying him away while the guy asks "Let me guess, this is your first murder." What the hell?

Triple H is flippin'! He gets up in Eric Bischoff's face and grabs him with his cakey hand, leaving a trail of frosting on Bisch's black jacket. Listen, Eric, you need to give Hunter a piece of Randy Orton tonight! Bisch tries to offer something that the group will find fair. How about Orton versus Evolution in a three on one handicap match? H Cubed smiles. With his nose swollen and bloody, Batista stands silently by and accepts the match as well. (JG Note: Thanks for the match, Eric. I...uh...think I broke my nose. If you think that making me wrestle an hour and a half later is a good thing, then whatever.) Trips promises that Orton is a dead man and walks away. Unlike last week, Bisch does not stare at him longingly and say, "Game on."

(1) Chris Benoit defeated Rob Conway via Crippler Crossface Submission "Hi, I'm Chris Benoit. I'm at the open of the show, I'm at the end of the show. I do so much, yet nothing all at once. I'm a key member of the brand, but not really. I am an enigma." Seriously, is there any definitive direction for Chris Benoit? Having been the World Champion for such a prolonged period of time, it makes little sense for him to be playing such a bit role at this point. One of WWE's biggest problems is building someone up until they're hot and then letting them cool off. Then they wonder why they have to build them up all over again. If Benoit were put into a new program with a new opponent, he wouldn't seem so forgettable now. Funny moment when a "HHH + Steph = Belt" sign is held up in the crowd right in front of one that reads "Rob Conway is My Role Model." Immediately following the "HHH+Steh" sign being held up, Lawler says "I saw that sign out there...Rob Conway is my role model." Gotcha, Jerry. I caught it too. The battle was good with William Regal stationed at ringside, perpetuating this weird new partnership that's apparently budding with the Crippler. The action was solid and both guys delivered a good showing. By the end of the match, Rob Conway's hair was all over the place and puffed out. He had Chuck Palumbo hair. Seemingly out of nowhere, Crips catches him in the Crossface and forces the tap out. Good match...but it ain't nothing. It's trash compared to the segments that are coming. Jim Ross and the Jerry Lawler assure me that there's much better things to come. Including, now get ready....

Shawn Michaels appears on the Highlight Reel and the Amateur Diva Search Girls box each other. See? Isn't that more exciting than boring wrestling? They told you the best was yet to come.

Commercial Break. John Bradshaw Layfield and Mick Foley debate one another on September 29th at the University of Miami. I wonder if Bradshaw will run around the stage and pretend to be a hurricane in order to "get heat."

Video aired for "Mr. Benjamin." The name just narrowly edged out "Private Benjamin."

Stacy Kiebler asks me if I'm ready to see the Diva Search Girls battle in a Seattle Slugfest. Slugfest? That could be cool. They can lock them in tanks and toss slugs all over them and...oh, slug like "boxing." Ugh. Someone should stop this. Where's Molly Holly when you need her?

Hey, it's Molly Holly. That's weird. She does her hair like Toby McGuire now and has beef with Miss Hancock. Molly told the amateurs to keep themselves in the back. According to Holly, later tonight the can have their "little slutfest...oh, I mean, slugfest." Now it's time for the big girls to battle. Miss Molly challenges Miss Hancock to a contest. It can be anything at all. MoHo leaves the decision up to Stacy. The choice: A Dance-Off. Molly laughs and tells her that she has eight years of ballet lessons. She orders that William Regal's music is played. To the melodic tones of Willie's British tune, Holly does a ballet number, but hams it up at times. Kiebler counters with the song "Brickhouse," a popular little ditty from any low-rent strip club in the North America, and rubs herself. Take a wild guess at who probably won this one. You got it, Kiebs looks like a lock, but is violently attacked by Holly.

Molly Holly's beat down of Stacy Kiebler begat Nidia. Nidia's attack on Molly begat Gail Kim. Gail Kim's pouncing of Nidia begat Victoria. Victoria's altercations with Gail Kim begat Trish. All of the women were fighting away in an impromptu when Jerry Lawler decides to not only let the cat out of the bag, but throw it out of the bag. The King comments on the brawl and calls it "a match," forcing Jim Ross to say "I don't think we have a match here." Suddenly Eric Bischoff appears on the screen and starts a six-woman tag match. I was pretty surprised...well, as surprised as I could be considering that one of the announcers already gave it away.

Commercial Break. "The last thing that I lit up was a rugby scoreboard." He set a rugby scoreboard on fire? Arson - My Anti-Drug.

(2) Stacy Kiebler, Victoria, & Nidia defeated Molly Holly, Gail Kim, & Trish Stratus when Kiebler pinned Molly It was hard to watch this match considering that I was screaming "boring" in my head over and over. I don't think WWE realizes that it's not a contest to see if they can get all these women on TV each week. We don't need these big meaningless six-woman matches in order to remember who these women are. They need one solid female-female feud and then cycle some of the other divas with male counterparts. Rather than not developing anyone, why not focus on a select few and pair the rest up with someone else? It's time killers like this that do a disservice to the entire female division. The finale was an upset roll-up by Stacy on Molly Holly for the victory. Nothing special.

Eric Bischoff is still covered in cake, which he doesn't mind for obvious reasons. Cake is the scent that draws Kane into the room. Bull confronts Easy E and explains that he couldn't sleep last night because his loss to Shawn Michaels rested on the shoulders of his "bitch wife." He demands a rematch against the Heartbreak Kid tonight. A frightened Bisch says that Michaels is already booked to be on the Highlight Reel, so Kane-o needs to chill. He can give the Shawn to the Monster any other night. Kane reacts angrily. That's not OK! Shaking and sweating, Uncle Eric promises to deliver Big Red a sacrifice. He'll get a squash match on a silver platter. This makes Kane happy and he prepares for his battle.

Still to come: The man in leather pants interviews the man in mirrored chaps.

Commercial Break. Optimum warns me that stealing cable is a crime. So noted. Then again, so is charging fifty bucks a month for HBO.

The new Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho is in the hizzle fo shizzle and the Highlight Reel is ready to go in the ring. Jericho tells us that last night was one of the most brutal in his career. Chris says that he got a "steel enema," otherwise known as a "ladder suppository - ouch!" I can't make stuff like this up, folks. After the pain and suffering ended, Y2J+4 made history. He became the first ever seven time IC Champion. This gets no reaction, so he says it again, only this time he screams it. The King of Bling Bling has another former Intercontinental Champion here tonight. The master of the Sweet Chin Music...Shawn Michaels!

Hey Shawn, didn't you have a chair smashed around your throat? Why were you only gone for a few months and have no visual problems because of it?

I'm a robot. My throat is made of metal.

Well, at least that's some sort of explanation. Better than nothing. Thanks.

The Source of All Strength is here and he's gyrating up a storm. Shawn Michaels enters the ring and stands face to face with his old nemesis. Chris tells him how great it is to have him back on Raw. The crowd cheers and the love fest continues. Jericho was happy to see Michaels defeat Kane-o. HBK runs down his conflict with Kane, recalling the ring around the collar incident. This brings us to last night. Shawn says that his match with Kane was "no D.Q. That's No-Disqualification for those of you keeping score at home." (JG Note: Check - No Disqualification. Got it.) He beat Kane "ugly." The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla thought that it was impressive, but not as impressive as his record breaking title win. The Midnight Rocker is glad that Christopher brought that up. You see, the Boy Toy is wearing his gear and seeing as how the conflict between the two of them was never fully squashed, he figured he'd finish it tonight....with the Intercontinental Title on the line. He pushed the idea and gets a pop from the crowd. Before Jericho can answer, Christian decides to make his presence known.

With Tyson Tomko by his side, Christian is here to tell Shawn a little story. It's the story of a tag team specialist that had off-the-charts ladder matches, got cocky, got a bodyguard, and became one of the greatest of all time. Don't get confused. He's not talking about the Story of Shawn Michaels. It's the Chronicles of Christian. Don't delude yourself, Michaels. Christian proved last night that he's the "greatest Ladder Match competitor of all time." (JG Note: Except for the fact that he lost, of course.) If anyone gets a match for the strap, it's Sister Christian. Shawn accepts this, but specifies that first Christian must beat him. Chris Jericho sees through all this. He lays out the scenario for those of us keeping score at home. You know, the same people who needed to mark off "no disqualification match."

Jericho goes to ringside and begins to say how everyone knows what will happen. One by one, he goes down the front row and narrates a number of people.

Guy in Black Backwards Cap: "Wow. How cool is this? Shawn Michaels versus Christian in a match tonight!"

Guy in Plaid Shirt with Tinted Glasses: "Wow, I know what's going to happen. Shawn Michaels is going to kick the crap out Christian and make him the CLB he really is."

Woman That Looked Like She Was Only There Because Her Husband/Boyfriend Likes Wrestling: "You know, I think he's right, but yet I have a huge attraction to this guy." (JG Note: The guy he pointed to looked like a cross between Man Mountain Rock and Horatio Sanz playing "Golby" on Saturday Night Live)

Guy Wearing a Crooked LA Cap "How can you be having an attraction when I know what's going to happen. Because Tyson Tomko is going to interfere in the match just like he always does."

The Whole Section - Section 53: "Every single week, that bald ass clown with the goofy beard interferes on Christian's behalf and we're sick of it!"

This Little Dude Right Here: "Hold it. I think I have an idea. On behalf of everybody here tonight..."

Then came the best part of this whole thing. Chris Jericho approached a kid standing there with long hair. It was shoulder length curly hair. I couldn't figure out if it was a boy or a girl. I doubted that Jericho could either. The outcome was funny as hell.

Boy/Girl in the Front Row: "And she say...he, shay, she shay, see shay... he sayshay, he say little agrees as well. I see four guys in their wrestling gear, I know what type of match they want to see. They want Y2J and HBK versus CLB and Goatboy right here, right now, in Seattle!"

This was hilarious. I thought Jericho was having a seizure. It was beyond obvious that he messed up on the kid's gender and he didn't cover it well. While going back to review it, it got funnier each time I watched it. Tyson and Christian agree and the match is on. Besides that slip up, which did more to make the segment enjoyable than otherwise, Jericho's work on the audience took an otherwise ho-hum match and made people care. Rather than toss out a lame tag match and tell the crowd to like it, they make the crowd feel as if they made it. Good plan and good stuff from Y2J+4. That pronoun mess-up was the highlight of the whole thing, though. "She say...he, shay, she shay, see shay... he sayshay, he say little agrees as well." He he. I love it.

Commercial Break. Subway's sandwich is 10 grams of fat. However, the fine print says that it is without cheese or non low-fat condiments. Is it a surprise to anyone that bread, lettuce, tomato, and some sort of meat are only 10 grams of fat?

(3) Shawn Michaels & Chris Jericho defeated Christian & Tyson Tomko when Michaels pinned Tomko This was actually a pretty good match and served the show well, along with Benoit-Conway, to improve the overall rating for the in-ring action. Tomko may be green, but with Christian by his side, there's a chance that he can rise through the ranks. If he redoes anything like last night's showing, that won't happen. If he delivers showings like he did tonight, he might be ok. A lot of this match's excitement rested both on the budding conflict between HBK and Jericho, but also on the new feud brewing between Michaels and Christian. With Edge out of the picture, WWE found the right person to take his spot and rekindle the cold-war feud for Y2J. The finish came about after Christian pulled Shawn groin first into the ring post, by grabbing his legs from outside and tugging him into position. The ref's attention was diverted and he missed this act, but not the act that followed. Mr. Christian grabbed the Intercontinental Title and prepared to hit the Boy Toy with it. Earl Hebner argued to no avail, so Jericho made the save, tackling the UnAmerican to the outside. Tomko stood his ground in the ring and waited for the Heartbreak Kid to rise. Shawn did and Tyson ran in. The joke was on him, though. Michael Shane's cousin hit the Sweet Chin Music and got the pinfall.

That didn't end things. Angered over the loss, Christian knocked Shawn Michaels to the outside and landed an Unprettier on the floor. Angered, the screaming Christian shouts insults at the born again Christian and leaves the scene. Does anyone from Canada like Shawn?

Commercial Break. It's official. The Gamecube commercial for WWE Day of Reckoning with John Cena rapping is the most annoying commercial I've seen in a very long time. It beats "It's Spicy" and "Pancakes, Rock, pancakes!"

A Vignette airs for Simon Dean. It's Nova in his new fitness guru gimmick. It was a great segment, albeit long, but I think that was on purpose. They did a good job and it looked less like a WWE produced video and more like a real life infomercial. Bodydonna Dean does his schtick and one can only hope that his character lasts beyond the promo packages. In a world of Nathan Jones, Mordecai, Sean O'Haire, Kenzo Sazuki, and TL Hopper, I've become weary of these vignettes.

John Coachman is here with the Raw Diva Search Contestants. Before we break out the gloves and have ourselves that awesome Seattle Slugfest, the Coach needs to cut someone. Who's out? Joy. Didn't see that coming? You should have. This thing is getting to be sketchier and sketchier. At this point, this thing seems far from legit. Coachman tells Christy and Carmella to put on their oversized boxing gloves and come out swinging. After delivering some verbal abuse to referee Jack Doan, Coachman starts the match. Instead of a bell, he hears something different though.

"You've got...Old pants! Old pants that smell! You've got...Old pants! Old pants that smell!"

It's the chairman of the board and he's swaggering his way to the ring. When Vince McMahon walks, it's like an action figure walking. It's gotten more pronounced in the last few years. His arms and legs move in a strange way. I can't even explain it. He walks like Rumpelstiltskin. So weird. There's two things to get taken care of tonight. First things first. Next week on the all new "Season Premiere" of Raw, (JG Note: Wink, wink. Maybe we'll get a new theme song finally) Mr. McMahon will make an announcement that will affect everyone on the show. It'll shock Eric Bischoff and all the performers. So gear up. That' next week. It's a sly way to get expectations up, but most likely it's Taboo Tuesday, where viewers will vote for the match stipulations. It will be the first interactive pay-per-view where all the people that JBL hates will have the chance to decide what they see. This week, we have a change in the plans for the Diva Search Slugfest. Instead of pounding each other, they'll pound the Coach! Vinnie Mac forces Johnny to tie his hands behind his back. If he so much as moves, Vince promises to say, "You're Fired!" (JG Note: Forget Mark Cuban and Donald Trump. You know who needs a reality show? Vince McMahon. It would be amazing. I don't mean that WWE needs a reality show, I mean Vince himself needs one. Could you imagine the insane challenges? He could force them to kiss his ass on television, insult Jim Ross, and make out with him. Eric Bischoff should pitch that idea to someone.) Vinnie takes off and Referee Jack Doan gives the rules and encourages the women to hit Coachman in the mouth and groin. The bell rings and they both get thirty seconds to beat him up. This was pretty lame. Christy won. They showed the phone number and the briefcase of cash one last time and then go backstage to get a glimpse of Kane and his bee-otch.

Kane and Lita are heading to the ring. He has her by the arm and we wonder who his opponent will be. (JG Note: I told some people on the message boards that I was going to try to use the term "Big Red Pearl Necklace" at some point in this report. So, here goes...Big Red Pearl Necklace.)

Commercial Break. Shellshock – Nam ’67 is coming to Playstation 2. What's the point of playing a game when you already know the ending? We learned it in Social Studies.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler want to provide me with an update on Eugene. Apparently he has a severely separated shoulder. Before I can get any further details, Kane's pyro hits.

(4) Kane and Gene Snisky was a no-contest I happen to have just finished doing some research on Gene Snisky for a Pro Wrestling Illustrated piece. He was trained by Afa and held the WXW Heavyweight Title. He toured the Middle East in 2002 and now wrestles in OVW. Although I have him as Snisky (which is name he had in OVW), his Obsessedwithwrestling.com profile has him as "Sinisky." Either way, it's a strange name for a wrestler, especially since it sounded like WWE added a "T" in there somewhere. Basically, this was a carbon copy beat down for Kane until Lita ends up in the ring. With a chair in hand, Gene swung at Big Red. The Monster took a header and fell straight into Lita's belly. Snisky took off and Kane tended to his pained bride. He screamed about how she was pregnant and needed assistance. Road agents came running out and this no-disqualification match ended in a no-contest. Yay. I guess ringside for professional wrestling matches isn't the safest place for pregnant women after all. Who'd have thunk it?

Commercial Break. News 12 Long Island promises to give me weather reports 12 times an hour in the morning. The Weather Channel gives me weather reports 60 times an hour. Beat that, News 12.

Lita is all bundled up in bandages thanks to the evil Gene Snisky. It wouldn't be a wrestling pregnancy without a miscarriage...or a rubber hand. Whatever happens first.

In case you missed Smackdown, Teddy Long had a Lumberjack match in order to prevent interference. He then held a hardcore match in order to prevent weapons.

Hey man, where did you put the CD for Evolution's music? I need to cue it up for their match.

It's a mystery. Ha ha.

Seriously, where is it.

Evolution is a mystery. Ha ha.

Enough! We go through this every week!

(5) Randy Orton defeated Evolution via disqualification This match was quick and kind of peculiar for the most part. It would have been better to see Ort go one-on-one with one of these guys, rather than do a routine handi-cap match. Randy had some time with each opponent, but nothing enough to be substantial. Considering how important a part of the card that this match was, you'd think it would have had more time. It didn't. Batista went at it with his former partner and Lawler told us that Tista's nose was broken. Then again, this is the same announcer that couldn't figure out that Stevie Richards was the man in drag, so I take it with a grain of salt. Despite their advantage, Evolution didn't want victory. They wanted revenge. They got it. With Randall all set to do Triple H in with an RKO, Hunt pushed him away into a Batista clothesline. The ref tried to stop it, but was shoved. He called for the bell to ring and the trio surrounded the Legend Killer like a pack of wild dogs.

Prepared to finish off young Randy in, the Evolvers held him up. The crowd began to cheer as Mr. Shelton Benjamin emerged from the back. He took it to the Evolvers and got a modest reaction at best. The crowd then popped bigger for the next savior, Chris Benoit. The Rabid Wolverine joining Randy and Mister in pounding the evil Evolutionaries. Hunter and Flair took off, but Batista opted to stay.

Davey B stood in the ring and found himself knocked silly by an Orton chair shot. Prone on the mat, Tista was in the perfect position for a Benoit Swan Dive Headbutt. Still keeping Trips and Naitch at bay, Randall waited for Batista to stand back up...and took him down with an RKO. The Evolution Black and White stood in the ring angry while the Evolution Wolfpac walked up the aisle and raised their arms in victory. Fade black.

All in all... Another show with a ton of sizzle and nothing else. It was like decorating a torn paper bag. No matter how nice you wrap it up, it's still empty and without real purpose.

The problem WWE is routinely running into is that they overestimate crowd reaction to certain baby faces. Shelton Benjamin is a good example. Considering that he's one of their most pushed new heroes in a while, the lukewarm response says a lot. Granted, Chris Benoit got a nice response, but he's working the card openers. What's the point? What Benjamin needed to do was return as a member of Evolution. Without that edge that comes with playing a high profile singles heel, Benji continues to come off as one dimensional.

A lot of the night was predictable, but it flowed OK. It lacked any sort of excitement that would make you think that it was the night after a pay show. The only segment that remotely reached that level was the obvious cake jump by Orton in the opening. It was pretty plain to see that Randy was the gift hiding for the Game, but it got a nice reaction and set the stage for a night-long descent in energy.

Kane and Lita continued our predictable evening, giving us the long-awaited miscarriage care of former WXW Champ Gene Snisky. Can't get enough of those miscarriage angles. They're my favorite. They're right up there with the "my tag team partner accidentally hit me twice so I'm going to attack him" angle.

Christian feuding with Shawn Michaels seems interesting, but the selling point for the show is Vince McMahon's promised announcement for regarding Eric Bischoff next week. It's a reason to tune in next Monday, but wasn't pushed as hard as it was in the broadcast booth. It could be that they aren't that excited either.

See you all next Monday for some more Raw Insanity. I'm going to go watch Jericho say "And she say...he, shay, she shay, see shay... he sayshay, he say little agrees as well" for the fiftieth time. Be well. See you next week.