|
|---|
 |
|
|---|
JG's 9/25/06 Raw Insanity: The WWE Champion Kisses The World Champion's Foot, Jeff Hardy Says "Nizzle," and the Wild Tale of How Eric Bischoff Created Mr. McMahon
Originally Published September 25, 2006
Titan Tower...Monday...
Shane McMahon, Vince McMahon, and Triple H are all in Vince's office. Vince is seated in his chair, Shane stands behind him, and Hunter is laying on the floor in the corner
Shane McMahon: Pop, I know that things are pretty crazy right now after last night's announcement that TNA had signed Kurt Angle so I...
Vince McMahon: DAMNIT! DAMNIT!
Shane: I know. It's rough. Angle in TNA. It's crazy.
Vince: What? Oh. No. I wasn't listening to you. I just remembered that I forgot to return
Akeelah and The Bee
to Blockbuster. DAMNIT!
Shane: Oh. OK. Uh. Well, anyway, I was thinking that we should do some preventative measures to make sure this thing doesn't get too big.
Triple H: I bet the father of Stephanie's baby has something pretty big...right, down, here!
Vince: Ha ha! You mean his penis?
Triple H: Ha ha! Chickens are called cocks!
Vince: AHHHH! Hahahaha!
Hunter: (wiping his eyes) Ah hahahahaha!
Shane: Are you guys done? I had some people brought here today that I think could possibly mix things up a bit in this new problem we seem to have encountered from TNA. We need some surprises of our own, so I brought in some people I think might be beneficial.
Vince: Well, bring 'em in, ya cocky chicken penis.
Hunter: (spit-laughing) Oh! Dude! Dude! You made YJStinger shoot out of my nose.
Shane: Great. First off, I brought in someone who's currently on the TNA roster.
Vince: That Samoan guy? We could steal him. There's a ton of people we could take and then bury.
Shane: Well, we already have a number of their former stars scattered around here. We have Jeff Hardy, CM Punk, Toby Keith, and Shannon Moore just to name a few.
Vince: Shannon Moore. Hey. Is that the kid who won a contest with his cousin and got to choose between a free refrigerator or a trip to Las Vegas? He didn't want to go to Vegas, but his cousin made him go. Then when they got there, he ended up gambling all the money and his plane ticket home?
Shane pauses and stares at his dad for a minute.
Shane: No. Uh...not at all actually. I think that was an episode of Perfect Strangers.
Vince: Ah. Yeah. Perfect Strangers. I liked that show.
Triple H: Of course you did! Don't be ri-dic-ulous!
Vince: Get out of the city! Hahaha!
Shane: (pressing the intercom) Just send in the first person.
Norman Smiley comes dancing into the room.
Norman Smiley: Mista Vince! Hi! Hey. De Big Wiggle is here to shake that booty on your shows! Look at me. Look at dis.
Norman begins to dance 'The Big Wiggle.'
Vince: What the hell is this?
Shane: That's Norman Smiley.
Vince: From Sesame Street?
Shane: That's Guy Smiley.
Vince: Really? It doesn't look like him. I thought Guy Smiley had a big yellow head.
Shane: (frustrated) No. What I meant was...oh nevermind. Here, dad. Norman works for TNA, but I think we could get him to jump ship.
Norman: Yes. I like the idea. Maybe I get behind you and give you de Big Wiggle. You like that, Mista Vince? I join the 'Mr. McMahon Slap My Ass Club.'
Vince: It's the 'Kiss My Ass Club.' I don't let people slap my ass. I make them kiss it.
Norman: (confused) Why they do that?
Vince: Because I let them work here.
Norman: Oh. OK. Bye bye.
Norman dances out of the room.
Shane: Yeah, dad, you might want to keep the Kiss My Ass Club stuff on the down low until after they sign.
Vince: Why? The Kiss My Ass Club is fun.
Shane: Because you're the kissee, not the kisser.
Triple H: Hey! Remember the one where Balki got checks?
Vince: Ha ha ha! I loved Mr. Twinkasetti! He used to call them "turnips!" Ha ha. Hey you see the one with...
Shane: Dad! Hunter! Come on already! I have another former TNA star waiting. (pressing intercom) Send in Lex Luger.
Lex Luger walks into the room.
Triple H: (singing) Hail to the bus driver, bus driver, bus driver. Hail to the bus driver, bus driver man. He screams and he cusses. He stinks up the buses. Hail to the bus driver, bus driver man...
Vince: Oh yeah. You're the bus guy.
Triple H: He also coined the term 'The Klique' about me, Shawn, and the other guys.
Vince: He did? So, what's the deal, bus guy? Do we owe you royalties on it?
Lex Luger: No.
Vince: So why are you here? Leave.
Lex: Shane invited me
Vince: (convering his ears and screaming) GET OUT! AH! GET OUT NOW!
Luger walks out without saying a word.
Shane: That didn't go well. OK. One last person. This one isn't a wrestler. It's someone with a name that we could use to sort of capitalize on confusion. (pressing intercom) Send in Kurt.
Vince: Who the hell is this?
Kurt Loder: Kurt Loder. MTV News.
Vince: Kurt Loder, eh?
Kurt: Someone want to explain what the hell is going on? I was out eating lunch and some huge guy grabbed me and threw me in a van.
Vince looks at Shane.
Shane: Snitsky.
Vince: Ah, yes. Snitsky. He's good people.
Shane: His name is Kurt Loder. He's from MTV.
Vince: You mean GTV. It was called
GTV. I invented that.
Shane: No. No. He was on MTV. Music Television.
Vince: Oh. Did I invent MTV?
Shane: No. It's a cable TV sta...
Vince: Did I invent MTV?
Shane: No. I said it's a cable TV...
Vince: Did I invent MTV?
Shane: Yes. Yes you did.
Vince: Awesome. Get to work on the DVD about how I invented MTV Cable Television. Also, sign this Kurt Loder fellow. We'll start hyping it up right away.
Hunter: Can we sign Bronson Pinchot too? I'd love to go over Balki.
Vince: Sure. He was just on the Surreal Life a few seasons ago.
Everyone stops suddenly and glares at Shane.
Shane: I'll show myself out.
ClubWWI.com Members -
Not a member? Click Here To Join Now or go to CLUBWWI.com for more information.
Slap your kids and call 'em sinners, folks. It's another jampacked edition of Monday Night Raw. This week's TV ad hypes 'Don't miss the first ten minutes.' They don't say if anything exciting happens in the first ten minutes though. It could just be a threat like, 'Don't miss the first ten minutes'or we'll burn your house down.' Either way, you best tune in and keep current on all the happenings over on USA. Will the feud between John Cena and Edge continue to rage on? Does the Canadian and his new cowboy friends have something in store for the Doctor of Thuganomics? With the promise of a tag team gauntlet match for DX spell disaster for the Green and Black Attack or will John Coachman fail to teach the middle-aged sophomores a lesson? Can Kane wrest the Intercontinental Title away from Johnny Nitro or will he simply pound N into the ground? What does Umaga have to say about all this? Perhaps, 'Muwaraghagahghahhhh!' With the Women's Title up for grabs, what will become of the female roster now that it's every lady for herself? No doubt about it. Tonight's show promises to be'well, nothing. It's just a show. Check it out and hopefully something good'll happen. So sit back, shine up your gold medals, and grab a stopwatch. It's time for Raw and the ten minute countdown begins'now.
The magical ten minutes that open Raw begin...with a blackout. The lights don't go on and things appear to be going very wrong. Jerry Lawler and Jim Ross both talk about tonight's show and all it has to offer. But just as they prepare to end their sales pitch, they realize the lights aren't going back on. Jerry grins and Ross wipes off his glasses. Nothing works except for the audio to the home viewers and, possibly, the house music. Lillian tries to introduce the first match, but her microphone doesn't work. Eventually they pipe her mic through the cable audio feed, but the crowd still can't hear her. The lights are out and we get ready for our first match.
(JG Note: Immediately, this has already become my favorite start to Raw ever. No wonder they said not to miss the first ten minutes.)
Get this. It gets better. They have angles planned. Some of them involve the microphone. This is going to be awesome.
Candice Michele and Lita enter the ring and before things get underway, Leets takes the microphone and lets everyone know that she has been given the right to name the guest referee tonight. As she speaks, the audience sits there confused since they can't hear her. When Miss Amy finally gestures to the ramp for the introduction of her boyfriend, Edge, it becomes clear that the crowd can't hear the theme music. Copeland's music blares and no one notices.
(JG Note: Have I mentioned that this is my favorite opening to Raw ever? It ranks up there with the time they had the Spanish announce feed for the first five minutes.)
1.
Special Ref Edge: Lita pinned Candice Michele
Before the match began, Edge patted down both women. After copping his feels in the dark, he signals for the opening bell and promptly flattens Candy with a Spear. Lita covers her and the announcers were shocked over this, uh, blatantly obvious match finish.
After the bell, John Cena came running out with the people cheering as soon as his music hit! One problem...they couldn't hear his music! When you looked at the audience, they didn't seem to be reacting at first, but the crowd sounded like they were going ga-ga, making one think that they're piped right in there with his theme music or something. Nah. That couldn't be...wait, could it? No time to think about that now. We have a slobberknocker on our hands!
Dr. John hits the squared circle and then hits Edge. The R-Rated Superstar took off while The Poopmeister General stood his ground. Refs came to check on Candice and we went down to J.R. and Lawler for some more info on the night's festivities.
Still to Come: DX vs. A Bunch of People. Plus, Johnny Nitro meets Kane. And'maybe we'll get power back. Stay tuned!
Commercial Break. I once had a gecko tell me to switch car insurance companies. Then I ate some orange slices and a few hours later, I was fine.
Time - 9:10pm. Ten minutes over. What did we get? A match in the dark.
Guess what, though. The lights are back on as we get back from the break! Hallelujah! John Cena offers an explanation for the power outage as he speaks on the now-working house mic. J.C. blames Edge for the power failure and says he did it just to stay away from the new WWE Champion. Copeland doth protest. He shows up and confronts the Thuggy Doctor on his Smacktalk and tells him to 'shut the hell up.'
John tells his sworn enemy that he knows the crowd wants to see them throw down tonight. Copeland agrees. They probably would want to see that'but they won't get it! The rematch clause in Adam's contract is for a time of his choosing, not Cena's! Now this conversation is over because, the first couple of Raw need to celebrate.
Celebrate? What's that Edgy? Celebrate? John has some football-themed words for you about 'celebrating with Lita.'
'Lita doesn't exactly have what you guys like to call a 'very good defense.' What this means is that there have been a lot of balls that have been pounded in that end zone. And as matter of fact, her end zone is kinda like the ones you see when you go to the Sooners games. It's red. It's real experienced and it's got eleven guys trying to score at once. Toby Keith, J.R., that one's for you guys. Come to think o fit it, if you have $10 and bus fare, that can be for all of you guys. But make no mistake about it. $10 and bus fare are a pretty good rate, but think about the doctor's bills you're gonna have to fork up to remove that anal lice.'
- John Cena
I love how he called Michael Cole gay, yet gives shout outs to Jim Ross. He should have plugged his website, though. www.Jrsbarbq.com . Better than Kenny Rogers. Hey...there's an idea. They should have Kenny Rogers bring his Roasters food to Raw and have Jim Ross jump him. Then they could sign Ross-Rogers for PPV and sell some chicken and BBQ in the process. How's that for booking and marketing? They could even call him "Nature Boy" Kenny Rogers. That would be awesome. Bam! Money! Money! Anyway...
Lita's like really T.O.ed over Cena's constant harassment. Come on, people! She's not an animal! She's a human being! Lay off, you guys! She has feelings. She ruins her case by saying that everyone makes fun of her because they want her. John can make jokes at her expense but you, Johnny, are the joke. Everyone knows that you bite the big one in the wrestling department. Hell, Lita thinks that even she is a better wrestler than you are!
To that, the WWE Champion smiles and simply says that he could beat Lita 'if I was blind, with one hand tied behind his back and didn't mind catching a scorching case of herpes.' Then he looked at the camera and said, 'You can only suppress it. You can't stop it' Okay. Waka-waka-waka. Johnny ends the tirade and challenges Mr. R Rating to step into the ring tonight and face the music.
Video Recap of WWE's Recent Trip to Mexico. Free Dog The Bounty Hunter! Free Dog The Bounty Hunter!
WWE Headquarters 1993
So, Glenn. Tell me about yourself. What do you have to offer us a performer?
Well, Mr. McMahon, I'm tall. I can wrestle. Oh, oh, and fire doesn't burn me.
Really? Well, we're going to make you Isaac Yankum the Dentist, but that fire thing might come in handy down the line.
2. Kane defeated Johnny Nitro via disqualification
Say what you want about WWE and young talent, but they've given Nitro a strong push. He's doing OK with it too. Sure he has drawbacks, but he has a lot going for him. He's built differently than most guys on the roster, plus his gimmick is somewhat unique and closest to pop culture WWE has right now. The announce team talked about Kane's conflict with Umaga during this one and you knew that Samoa Jamal was going to play a role in this at some point. The Big Red Machine went to town on John early on and didn't even give him a chance to remove his furry coat. No sign of the Bulldozer early on and J.R. explained why. Apparently, John Coachman (JG Note: As opposed to John Nitro, John Cena, Johnny of the Spirit Squad, or Elton John) banned Umy from ringside. Guess what, though? No one listens to Johnny Coachman. Eff him. That's what Jamala must think. He rushed out, demolished the Undertaker's unburnable brother, and caused a disqualification.
After the bell, Umaga screamed and pounded away on his newest foe. Ross screamed for Armando Alejandro Estrada to do his Kim-Chee duties and stop his savage. No go, bro. Mando sat back while his island monster butt bumped him in the corner and then used the steel steps to crack his head like an egg. With Dr. Yankum's bald head stretched across the ring post, Estrada's prot'g' swung the steps right into it. For those of you who need more clarification, pay attention. This is drugs. This is Kane's head on drugs. SMASH!
Any questions?
Triple H and his whacky facial hair are backstage when they meet up with his Born Again Boy Toy Buddy, Shawn Michaels. HBK is super stoked over the latest edition of WWE Magazine! They have stories about Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, The MSG Incident, and even Shawn being fined $10,000. Awesome! The Game chimes in that he even talks about his 'whacky facial hair in that.' (JG Note: What's so whacky about it? I think it's nice.) Shawn-o is upset-o though. There's not one advertisement in the mag for any DX merchandise. Both their shirts aren't in there! Triple H then gives a sales pitch on where DeGeneration Merch can be found. Before the hard sell can go any further, Maria shows up and she has some questions for them. After answering the standard questions about their upcoming matches tonight, Hunter and The Rocker inform Mary that they have two words for anyone who questions them. Stumped, she thinks they might mean 'No Way.' Trips realizes that she doesn't know what he's talking about, so he whispers it into her ear. Uh, isn't it worrisome that their backstage interviewer doesn't know the top stable's catchphrase? Shouldn't that be something she's heard a few times from, oh I don't know, watching the show! Anyway, still confused even after being told what the words were, C.M. Punk's lady friend is offered a 'visual aid' from Stephanie's baby daddy. He reaches into his pants, but before he could let little Terra Ryzin' out to play, Shawn steps in and stops him. The duo leave and Eugene enters.
Gene asks Maria, 'What's up?' She tells him what DX just told her'and he faints. Cute segment. Although, it's even more worrisome that Eugene doesn't know Degeneration X's catch phrase either. Why don't any of these people watch the show they work for?
Commercial Break. USA - Characters Welcome'except Duck Man.
This week in WWE History - Gorilla Monsoon vs. Andre the Giant in a boxing match. It was an extended segment and pretty cool. The 24/7 voiceover announcer called the match and it was kind of weird because he has that hard-ass announcer voice and it's strange to hear him speak for more than a few sentences at a time.
Backstage, John Coachman rushes up to grab Shelton Benjamin. Listen, Shelly, Coach has issues with your words last week. You said you were held back because you were black. What's up with that? What were you thinking? Benji says he was thinking the truth, but realizes that Coachman can't HANDLE THE TRUTH! J.C. then shoots straight and tells Shelt that he was given numerous opportunities, yet never capitalized. Irate over such an accusation, Benjamin named his credentials and accolades. Jonathon doesn't care what he has to say. How could Vince McMahon be racist? His hero is Martin Luther King Jr.! Come awn! Coach brings it all back though and tells his fellow black performer that he knows what it's like to be 'a black man in this business.' From there, it goes where you'd expect. Shelly calls him a 'whitewash' and Johnny gets mad. Then the segment goes from pushing the envelope to complete and utter insanity'
Jeff Hardy shows up. He's got his hair done up like a hippie woman and proceeds to say - I kid you not - this 'Hey! What it is, my nizzles?' Then he says he something 'fo shizzzzlle!' Weird as hell. Coachman and Benjamin stared at him. After the initial shock, Coach informs Jeffrey that he has himself an opportunity tonight. You want to face someone tonight, Hardy Boy? Well you will. That man is'Shelton Benjamin. Both men appear to be happy with the ruling. The Charismatically Enigmatic Homeboy says 'I'm ready, dawg.' Shelton, on the other hand, gives an evil eye to the McAssistant and sarcastically tells him, 'Thanks a lot, brutha.' Each man walks off. The camera only follows John though. In his journey, he encounters'
Edge and Lita. The Former First couple come dashing from his office to tell Coachman that he needs to make a match happen tonight! You heard Cena, right? He cut down on the lovely Leetles earlier. He needs to pay! Have him fight her with one hand behind his back! Johnny thinks that can be arranged. He books it. Even better, he makes it No Holds Barred! (JG Note: Oooo! I hope that means Zeus will be there for it!) As the R-Rated Superstar gives one of his trademark Cheshire Cat smiles, Coach throws in a curve ball. Proving that every good heel should lie, John explains that Mr. McMahon 'hates predictable matches.' Apparently Vince thinks it turns off viewers. Because of that, J.C. orders Adam Copeland that he is not allowed to touch Cena tonight'at all. Even if you put but one finger on the Thuggy Doctor, you will lose your return title match! Bam! Look at that. From heel to tweener in one sentence, Johnny orders Miss Amy to face certain death and square off with The Prototype in main event. But with Edge's no-touchy rule, the contest should be a cake walk for the Hardy Girl.
One question, though. If the match is one-arm-tied-behind-your back and no DQ, why can't John Cena just untie his arm? What are they gonna do? Disqualify him? My head hurts. Let's watch some commercials while Edge's chick trembles in her wrestling boots.
This Week on Smackdown: John Cena teams with Lashly and Batista against Booker T, William Regal, and Fit Finlay.
The Spirit Squad is hopping around the ring and it looks like Mikey is the one up for singles action tonight. Who's he fighting? Drop your robes, kids.
Excuse me, where's the steam room?
Oh. Wow. Uh, Mr. Flair, first of all, you shouldn't take your clothes off in the hallway before you're in the steam room. Secondly, this is the post office.
3. Ric Flair pinned Mikey Lawler mentions all the big challenges on Raw lately and informs us that, for the second week, the S.S. has dedicated their match to Mr. McMahon. Hopefully this week can be a better tribute to the ailing owner, but alas, it wasn't meant to be. Although he went to town on Ric early on, Mike ended up getting chopped repeatedly just like his friend here. All of this lead to the obvious victory for the dirtiest player in the Game. Naitch prevailed and Kenny, Flair's eventual pay-off match out of the five, seethed from ringside. Still to come: John Cena hits a girl. Commercial Break. Jackass 2 is the number one movie in America. I'm not surprised. Apparently the TNA X-Division thinks it's a cult with Johnny Knoxville playing the role of Charlie. John Cena was on Mad TV. Jerry Lawler calls it one of his favorite TV shows. I'm scared to think what his other favorite TV shows are. Hey Hunter. Hey Chris. Yo. You know what's funny? In your theme song, when they say 'Bow to the Masters,' I always say, 'Bow To Chris Masters' in my head. Ha ha. You know, cause it's my name. You're fired.
It's gauntlet time and time to learn who will be the first of the three teams that Michaels and Hunter will eat. But first - surprise, surprise - Triple H has something to say. He wants to crowd to tell him if they're ready and then breaks into his Michael Buffer routine. The audience pops big, but right as Sideburns gets to his 'for the thousands in attendance and the millions watching around the world,' he adds in 'and for Vince McMahon.' Shawn chimes in with some info. Vinnie Mac ain't here tonight, Trippy. He'well, this happened to him:
Video Recap of The Hell in a Cell Match at Unforgiven. Vince had his head shoved into Big Show's bare ass. That would keep anyone out of action for a while. Go on. Try it. You'll see. The Highlanders. 4A. DeGeneration X defeated The Highlanders when Shawn Michaels pinned Rory.
Wow. Strange move. Even J.R. says that Coachman is 'thinking outside the box.' Star struck, the kilted tag team enter the ring and Triple H takes Robbie aside. They chat it up in the corner while, from behind, Michaels nailed Rory with some Sweet Chin Music and scored the pinfall. Following the win, Robbie approached his fallen partner and was promptly Pedigreed by the Game. Now for Team #2 (AKA The Other Team That Definitely Won't Be Beating DX)' Viscera and Charlie Haas. 4B. DeGeneration X defeated Charlie Haas and Viscera by pinning them both. It's really weird how Lillian Garcia is totally out of the Haas/Vis picture. Their whole gimmick is based on beating her up and now she's just like, 'They're opponents'Charlie Haas and Viscera!' You think she'd say, 'They're opponents'Charlie Haas and Viscera'the big jerks.' Charlie looks so much like Randy Savage now that it's almost funny. At certain times, you think it's the Macho Man himself. Then you remember that it's 2006 and Savage looks nothing like that now. Then you remember that it's Charlie Haas. Then, you remember that they're team #2. Then you watch Charlie and Vis lose. The match was actually pretty good, though. The highlight had to be Jim Ross talking about how you'd need a stack of cigarettes to deal with Viscera in prison. Oof. This one came to a close in a pretty unique way. Helmsley nailed The Macho King with a Pedigree while The Boy Toy hit Mabel with his Superkick. The World's Largest Love Machine teetered back and forth but eventually landed'right onto his partner. DX sat on the heap and got the win. Now for Team #3 (AKA The Team That Has The Best Chance of Beating DX)' Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade. 4C. DeGeneration X fought Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch to a Double Disqualification Trevor and Lance have gone from super jobbers to upper discarders in three weeks. It's pretty amazing. I hope this continues and they put them in some new storylines geared directly to them. At this point, they're still doing henchmen duty, which could be good or bad depending on how you look at it. Either way, they've climbed the ladder pretty quickly now and it's good to see them being used more. This one ended in a big cluster mess with both teams trying to use steel chairs as weapons. The ref called for the bell, but we didn't really get a clear cut verdict. Either way, it all ended with the Degenerates standing their ground in the ring while Larry the Cable Guy and Garrison The Hammer Valentine stared from the ringside area. Trips sat on a chair while Michaels leaned across him from behind like a ninth grade girl hanging on the boy she likes during study hall. Commercial Break. In two weeks, WWE Raw Homecoming II goes down. It's being billed as a 'Family Reunion' with everyone from the brands coming together. It's also being billed as 'the season premiere' of Raw. It's funny that they have season premieres when they don't even have season finales. It's pretty ironic when you consider that WCW Nitro had a season finale, but then never premiered again. Things that make you go, 'Hmmm.' 5. Jeff Hardy pinned Shelton Benjamin with a roll-up. With all the hoop-la about Kurt Angle going to TNA, it really shines a light on Jeff Hardy in some ways. His entry into TNA was treated as the biggest deal in the company's history, but then fizzled fast. Christian Cage's time on top was a bigger deal than Hardy's. None of that matters now, though. Jeff's come home to get a spot at the top of Raw. The only problem is that he doesn't seem to really fit in with his current incarnation. They're trying to build him up as witty and quirky. That doesn't work as well as his more natural gimmick - weird and bizarre. That should be his gimmick. He should just be completely out of his mind. He should come to the ring with spray paint and spray it in the face of kids at ringside (JG Note: Plants, if you want to be cautious. Real fans if you want to make headlines.) I should mention that the Hardy Boy has been holding his own in the ring though. He's had a few missed moves here and there, but for the most part he's been OK. This one came to a close really well. Jeffy went to for the Twist of Fate, but instead Shelly held the ropes. The Charismatic Enigma fell to the ground and Benji arrogantly approached him. When he reached down to pick up the former TNA star, Shelt found himself the victim of a roll up. One three count later and Jeff Hardy has won this mini-battle in the WWE race wars. Commercial Break. Just For Men hair dye is just for men. No joke. There's a special chemical so that if women use it, it makes them grow penises. Randy Orton is here and he's awaiting his tag team partner. Bow To Chris Masters...break it down! Jim Ross hypes the upcoming 'Cyber Sunday' pay-per-view. It's like Taboo Tuesday'only, it's, you know, on Sunday. J.R. says we have tag action and the 'Young Guns' are up next. No way! Emilio Estevez is here!? 6. Carlito and Super Crazy defeated Chris Masters and Randy Orton when Carlito pinned Masters No. Not those Young Guns. I was hoping Lou Diamond Phillips was going to show up and whoop some ass, La Bamba style. No worries though. This match was done for the reason you all know. It's another way to get these feuds on TV. Good thing Nitro already wrestled or else he'd be out here too. Jerry Lawler offers up thie incredibly insane line in regards to the littlest Mexicool: 'I like this Super Crazy in the fact that, you know, just look at him. He looks like one of those bumblebees. You know those little bumblebees? They look like they'd be able to fly, but Super Crazy's like that. He really can fly all over the ring.' - Jerry Lawler What?! That whole thing was insane. I never really thought about whether or not bumblebees look like they can fly. I mean, I think they kinda do considering they have, you know, wings and everything. Besides that, I'm sure there were better things to compare Super Crazy too. I'm frightened that we might soon get this character on Raw now:
Anyway, yada yada yada...Carlito hit a backcracker on Chris Masters and picked himself up a victory. Good for him. The guy must be pretty blue lately. He was dating Trish two weeks ago and now she's getting married. Wow. Sucks to be you, Afro Joe. After the bell, Randy Orton made Carly's life even worse by pegging him with an RKO and then standing over him with the TA-DA pose. He had that look on his face as if he had just pulled a rabbit from a hat. Randy Orton - Master Magician. Commercial Break. Consume. Consume. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep. Pay no attention to Roddy Piper and his sunglassess. Sleep. Sleep.
John Coachman is here and he's giddy as a biddy over the introduction he's about to make... I'm ba-ack... Yesiree, bob. It's a Raw Insanity favorite. Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, put your hands together for...Mr. Eric Bischoff. Mr. Eric Bischoff, everybody. Show him some love. Show him some love. Crazy Uncle Eric hits the ring and shakes hands firmly with John Coachman before taking the microphone. The Bisch thanks Coach for this time tonight. Then he says that before Mr. McMahon fired him from Raw, he signed a book deal with WWE. His book is now finished and is called Controversy Creates Cash. In it, Easy E professes to tell the truth. He tells the truth about his career. Sheeet, kid. In that book, he says a ton of things including things he promises will make Vincent Kennedy McMahon (JG Note: The Owner of WWE Books) very pissed off! Bischy and His Big Fat lie go on like this: "As a matter of fact, in this book I tell the truth about the very show you're watching - Monday Night Raw and how this show wouldn't' exist in its current form had it not been for Eric Bischoff WCW and Monday Night Nitro. I tell the truth in this book about DX and how there would be no DX if it wasn't for the N.W.O! That's right. As a matter of fact I tell the truth about Mr. McMahon and as a matter of fact, there wouldn't be a Mr. McMahon if it wasn't for Eric Bischoff. See that's the truth and when I tell the truth'' - Eric Bischoff At this point Coachman cuts the mic and his theme song drowns out the whistle-blower, putting an end to this lame worked shoot. Look at it. It's not an anti-WWE shoot at all. If anything, it's making WWE look awesome. Eric's basically saying, 'Hey! All these wonderful awesome things WWE has. They have an awesome Raw show! They have an awesome DX stable! They have an awesome owner character! The thing is - I really created it! Ha ha ha! WWE is awesome because of me!' Bah. Let's just stop with all this. The ship sailed on Eric's WCW history years ago. He's a WWE product now. That's it. That being said, the book will sell. People want to know Eric's side of the story, even if it's politically mangled by you-know-who. Cue Edge. The wrestler or the shave gel?
Adam Copeland is in the hizzle and he has Lita by his side. The trembling diva steps into the ring and awaits John Cena's beating. 7. John Cena (with one arm tied behind his back) pinned Lita (with nothing pinned behind her back) after the F-U
While Edge wasn't allowed to touch Cena, he was permitted to be a pain in the ass to him so that's what he did. The R-Rated Superstar distracted the referee at times and tried his best to allow his manager to get in what little offense she did. In the end, the power of a grown man twice her size in raw muscle was too much for her. Surprise. Surprise. Johnny-Boy hits her with the ol' F-U, if you know what I mean, and gets himself a thuganomically delicious victory. From there, Regal and Finley proceeded to mug Cena in the ring and drag him to T's bare foot for a smooch. The WWE Champion kissed the World Champion's foot and no one came out to help him because, as we observed earlier, no one's his friend. The Smackdowners took their leave and Dr. Thuggo rolled around in pain. Once they're gone, Edge enters the ring. You'd think he'd be with his girlfriend at the hospital right now, but no. He's a bad guy. That's why he stuck around to watch the post show pummeling and tell you a little sumpin' sumpin', champ. You seem to have some butt-kickings in your future, kid. You have one Friday. You had one tonight. Hell, you're gonna get one next Monday'against Edge'for the WWE Title'in a friggin' cage, bee-otch! Booyahkaza! We out. We out. The Foot Kissers writhes in agony as we fade to black. All in all...Not a bad show, once again. Nothing that really blew you out of the water, but nothing to make you slam your head into a wall. Well, maybe a few things that might make you, but not too hard. Things like The Highlanders spring to mind. Rory and Robbie were built up for weeks as the dumb ol' foreign cavemen with a hankering for embarrassing situations. They feuded with the Spirit Squad, a stable coming off of a major push as top heels. So you got yourselves a baby face tag team. There you go. Mission accomplished. Then why use them in a role that heels should have by taking a beating from DX? If Robbie and Rory were two bad ass baby faces that were using tough guy gimmicks, the DeGeneration X attack would have worked better. The problem is that the Highlanders were made sympathetic good guys. Watching them get beat up is like watching Mr. Snuffleupagus get beat up. It makes me sad. Also, Eric Bischoff 's promo may have been lame-wad city, but the book is going to sell. If anything, it'll become a case in human study. People will poor over every page and detail, documenting what seems changed for history and what doesn't. People will do codes on it like they do with the bible and call it 'The Bischoff Codes.' The codes will tell us when the world's going to end and what yoga position Diamond Dallas Page likes the best. I thought the addition of King Booker was great. I really like King Booker, as ridiculous as it is. He looks like Sho-Nuff from the Last Dragon movies and the whole time during tonight's skit, I kept thinking of 'Kiss My Converse.' What makes Book even better is that it's all a grandiose gag. On Friday Night, he grew irate with Teddy Long and started shouting at him in his old voice. It just works on a silly level. Even better is that Book is a solid performer in the ring and one of the most consistently entertaining guys in the industry. It's good to see him get his spot on top again. All hail King Booker' ..except for John Cena. He hails from the ground looking up at the bottom of the King's boot. I'm not sure I was thrilled with the idea of having Cena beat up a woman, but it shows how wrestling has really transformed what it is. In the WWE world, it's so cartoony and so unrealistic that you can have a jacked up former male bodybuilder violently slam a scared shitless, medium sized woman with implants to the ground and have people cheer for him. You kinda felt bad for Leets in a way. Then you remembered the Highlanders and you felt bad for them even more. The lights going out was pretty cool. It's fun when crazy stuff happens. I just envisioned the entire show taking place in the dark. That would have been total Raw Insanity. DX rules the roost. Cock-a-doodle-doo. Tonight, they're whole thing worked. They ate some smaller teams and with the exception of the Highlander thing, they made the most of their time in the ring. The match with Haas and Vis was good and the Cade/Murdoch assent is intriguing.
That's it for me guys. Be sure to check out
Mike Da Silva's Indy Interview with Nigel McGuiness. Mike has been really doing a great job with guests lately, interviewing Colt Cabana and Larry Sweeney to name just a few.
Also, ClubWWI.com Members don't forget that you can catch my Raw Insanity Extra tonight as well as my post TNA No Surrender Audio Report with Matt Dawgs from last night. We discuss Kurt Angle's future in TNA, Samoa Joe taking the NWA Title with him as he left the main event, and the new TNA Timeslot and more. Also, tomorrow, be sure to check back for the next edition of Tom Prichard's audio report and the announcement of our next Radio Free Insanity guest.
That does it for me guys. Thanks for reading. Be Well! blog comments powered by Disqus
|
|
|---|
| All content contained here Copyright 2012 by James Guttman |
