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Last week, Vladimir Kozlov beat up Jeff Hardy and Triple H.   Why?   Maybe they made fun of him because he looks like Lance Storm with a glandular disorder.

Smackdown Theme Plays.

What up, beeches?   Smackdown is in full swing and Jim Ross is sitting alongside the King of Red Hook, Tazz.   We get no more than a brief introduction before heading backstage to some Guerrero Family drama.

Vicki, who now has working legs again, is standing by with Chavo, who now has growing hair again.   She asks for specifics of what Undertaker said to him.   In Chavito's mind, this is her request for a dramatic monologue as if he's applying for a role in an off-Broadway production.    He dramatically describes the choking and squeezing...the squeezing and choking.  Oh the agony!You know what it felt like?

"It felt like I couldn't breathe.   I couldn't breathe, Vicki.   It felt like my head was going to pop."
Chavo Guerrero

(JG Note:   Had it happened, that would have been the closest Chavo ever got to a pop in his singles career.  Oh snap.  Snap.)

Chav goes on to say that the when the squeezing ended, Taker, channeling the spirit of Handbanana, gave him a message to deliver to Vicki.   That message: "Tonight…he's coming for you."    This makes the former ECW Champion frantic, but causes Vick to reel things back to reality.   What Undie says ain't law.   He may want to come after her, but that ain't happening.   Tell you what, kid.   Go fetch Big Show and tell him to bring his gigantic skull back here.   We need some beef up in here to scare Marky Mark back to the Darkside.   Exit Chavo…

…Enter Jeff Hardy.   The former IC Champion steps into the camera shot and expresses one desire to the General Manager.   That's a match with Vladimir Kozlov.   Sternly, she tells Jeff the same thing she told Triple H earlier today.   Focus on No Mercy.   Focus on tonight's tag match.   Everything else is secondary.   Now get your fruity facial hair out of Vick's office…like NOW!   Exit Jeff….

…wait.   Not so fast.   Just as Jeffery turns to walk out, he walks in…to the Big Show.   Show stares at him until he leaves and then he puts his arm around Vicki while Chavo stands nervously by in a very Eric Young-like way.   They then stare off.      have to be honest.   I never noticed it before, but Big Show really reminds me of Gorg, the Fraggle Rock monster. **  

Hey, am I next?

Uh…let me check.   Says here the next person out is…ha ha ha.

What's so funny?

No, it says it right here.   See?   Ha ha ha.

That's H.H.H.   It's pronounced Triple H.

Oh.   Sorry.  I'm new.    I thought you sounded out the three…well never mind.   My bad.   Yeah you’re up next.  

1. Triple H and Jeff Hardy defeated M.V.P. and THE Brian Kendrick when Hunter pinned Porter

Triple H still doesn't know how to dry his hair after showering and still has the WWE Title – all is right in the world.    I don’t know how many people have thought about it, but the one thing WWE is really doing for THE Brian Kendrick is to set him up with a gimmick for the Indies.   If the day comes that he's wished the best in his future endeavors, he has an entire persona that stands out among other jumpy-jumpy guys on the Indy scene.   Even if they say he can't use the gimmick…what is it really?   It's not like he's a fireman or a cowboy.   It's more of a persona than gimmick.   What he develops with it could end up being his career-long character.   People still bring up the story that Mike Bucci told about Ezekiel on ClubWWI.com.   It shows how much he cares about the business and he works well with THE.   As for M.V.P., it's unfortunate that he's in the spot he's in now.   Here's a guy that most people expected to be much higher on the World Wrestling Foodchain by now.   He has a ton of potential too.   (JG Note: Luckily he's not alone in this terrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrible position….Position.)    It was a good match but while the heels worked most of the offense here, this was the type of bout that even non-fans could figure out before the first bell.   The Hardy Boy and the Hunter Boy are going at it on pay-per-view.   Kendrick and Porter usually don't do much.   So – go on. Without looking up, pick a winner.   Go on.     Betcha can't gue…Oh.   You guessed.   OK.   OK.   Betcha can't guess who got the pin.   Huh?   Oh.   You guessed that too.   Okay.   Okay.   But I bet you don't know what move he used for the fin…   What?   Yeah… You're right.   Never mind.   Guessing game over.

After the bell, Jeff Hardy went to ringside and grabbed the WWE Title.   Then, as is the case 99% of the time when two good guys are having a title match, he handed it to the Champion and raised his hand.   Trips nodded and they both posed on opposing turnbuckles for the happy crowd.   I hope no one tells Hunter that Jeff silently put a voodoo curse on the title when he touched it.   Muwahahahahahaha!   Enjoy the diarrhea, Champ!   MUWWWWWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Still to Come: Great Khali vs. Vladimir Kozlov.    I heard the two met backstage to discuss the match but disagreed on some point.   Khali wanted to "BLAH-BOOMA-BLAH-CALALALALALA" while Kozlov wanted to "Ehhh.  I tell you. Match.   Me.   Double.   Double.   E."

Commercial Break.

Back at the table, Jim Ross and Cactazz Jack talk about the end of WWE on CW.   They thank a few people including Julie Chen's husband and wish C.W. "all the best in the future."   They left out the word "endeavors" because then people might assume that the C.W. Network failed a drug test or something.

WWE 24/7 features a 1992 MSG tag match pitting Roddy Piper and Hulk Hogan against Sid and Ric Flair.   I miss the pre-WrestleMania Garden parties.   They'd put on a big tag match and the place would do insane business.   When Piper turned in '87 they had him team with Hogan at the Garden right before WM3 and everyone went crazy.   I miss days like that.   On a side note, I'm sure Hulk Hogan has fond memories of teaming up with 8 foot Roddy in front of 50 trillion fans.   You don't forget stuff like that.

AIN'T NO STOPPING ME NOW!

Stop.

Okay.

Shelton Benjamin is here.   He's blonde.   Get used to it.   The United States Champion is wearing some metro street clothes as he speaks to his humble fans.   He claims to be the Gold Standard of Smackdown and explains the reason for the name.   He's the "gold standard" because he sets "a standard of excellence in the WWE."   Gotcha.   I kinda had it figured out before the definition.   Mr. Benjamin talks about his talents and successes, but has to address a few others who live by no standards.   Like who?   Like R-Truth.   That's like who.   This former ClubWWI.com guest has no place in WWE.   He's a joke.   He's nothing but smoke and mirrors.    At this point, Benji calls him, what I'm assuming, is a "street urchin."   Not sure.   He could have been calling him a "sea urchin" or a "street merchant," but those don't make sense.   So, I'm going with street urchin on this one.    

At this point, the promo starts getting painful.   Shelton, who has tremendous talent in the ring, gets lost.   He takes what feel like ten minute breaks to say nothing.   When he does speak, it seems off and rehearsed.   Painful.   Goldie Stan then makes fun of R-Truth's "Whassup" chant and the way he does that rippity rap thing with his arms.   This was the cue for you know who...

Now this is the story all about how my life got flipped – turned upside down.   And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there.   I'll tell you how I became the….

R-Truth is here!   He, like his Golden foe in the ring, is wearing street clothes.   Dancing through the crowd, Ron spits out some dope rhymes and mad beats about the illmatic world of wrestling BOYEEEE!    He calls on everyone to say "What's up."   I'm guessing this is homage to those old Budweiser commercials.   I thought those were funny too.   Either that or homage to Team 3D.   Eh.   I'm going with the beer ads on that one.

Shelton glares at Killings the whole time he sings.   Ironically, it's shorter than some of the breaks he took during his promo.   When Pac Man's Pal enters the ring, he steps right up to Shelt and asks, "What's up?"    Everyone waits for a response.

Alas, we get none.   Thea Vidal's baby boy takes his L'Oreal hair dye and goes home.   Ronnie stays behind in the ring and sings some more.   It's funny because his new rap which is pro-WWE reminds me of the rap he did in his car about TNA.   All that aside, Killings will make a killing with this gimmick if they keep giving him airtime like this for his character.   The irony is that the only low points in this segment were when they addressed his issues with Benjamin.   That part was boring.   The rapping and dancing, that was fun.   The feud?   Nah.   Unless they do something where Shelton bashes R in the face with a ratchet, they shouldn't have intense stare downs.   The crowd didn't seem to care and until they have more of a reason to hate each other besides the whole "you rap too much" thing they should stay away from tense moments.   It loses its magic when no one in the crowd is reacting.

Next week on __ _______ TV, Shelton Benjamin, the mid card jobbing champion on Smackdown, takes on Santino Marella, the mid card jobbing champion on Raw.   Who sucks less?   Tune in!

Commercial Break.

Somewhat True Fact: Loosely translated, Brie Bella means "Beautiful Cheese."

2. Maria and Brie Bella defeated Natalya and Victoria when Maria pinned Victoria.

Who would have thought that Jim Neidhart would have a good looking daughter?   It's always surprising when you see the kids of wrestlers, right?   If, as a kid, you asked me what Jim Neidhart's daughter would look like, I'd picture a lady with a long red goatee and red chest hair.   Natalya far exceeded my expectations.   Brie Bella really stands out.   If, for no other reason, she's a diva with two names.   Although not completely unheard of today (Mickie James, Beth Phoenix,  Brian Kendrick), it's still rare in a world full of Marias, Natalyas, Victorias, and so on.   Although that might not last long given the match's finish.   B.B. slid under the ring and immediately popped out the other side.   The refreshed "Brie" went into the ring, scored a near fall, and tagged Maria.   Mary hit the flying cross body and scored the duke.   Guess it won't be long until we have both Brie Bella and her twin sister Nicole on the staff.

Giggidy.  

Video Package of Vladimir Kozlov.   Whatever he hits…he destroys.

3.   Vladimir Kozlov and The Great Khali fought to a no contest

I like Vladimir.   I'm not sure why.   Maybe because I was a big fan of Ludwig Borga and ended up disappointed with his WWF run.      Anyway, this match was a smart move on the company's part.   Both of these guys have such similar pushes and styles that it's weird to think where they could go with it.   When you factor in the hype this match got all night, it came off even better.   At one point, Vlad got Khali in a waist lock and the Giant tried to power out.   When he did, you got a look at how jacked he is.   It's pretty effin' scary.   Think about it.   Andre was huge, but you always knew in the back of your mind that you could outrun Andre.   If he was going to come kill me, I'd just friggin' sprint.   Come on, Andre.  You can't catch me!  I'm like the Gingerbread Man.  Not with the Great One.   Last thing you want is a seven foot guy in good condition coming after you.   I mean, hell, even when he biffs you it hurts.   Don't believe me?   Ask Ludwig Kozlov.   He ate a big right hand to the cranium and went crashing to the mat.   He got a few shots in, but the Punjabi skyscraper answered with his own offense whenever he could.   The action spilled outside and then you'll never guess who showed up to ruin the fun.

Hunter!   I told you to pick up milk on the way home from the arena!

Sorry Steph.   I did, but…you know.   I couldn't resist.

No!   AGAIN?!   Why do you always have to gulp and spit every liquid you see?!   What the hell is wrong with you?   You're the reason we can't get the walls painted in here!  We can't bring cans of paint in here.    I'm scared you'll accidentally kill yourself!

Triple H is the Double Double E Champion and he's unhappy with Kozlov Smirnoff.   He stalks the ring, but the Russian has a different plan.   Trips steps in…Koz steps out.   It's like a bizarre game of hokey pokey.

Yet all of this was a ruse, if you will.   The exit by V.K. was all to distract Trip from the incoming Khali…

…But wait!   Hunter sees Khali and turns to him.   This brings in Kozlov from behind!   Ah!   So many distractions.   So little time.  

While SuperGame held his own for a few seconds, the heels eventually went to town on him.   The Monsters stomped away.   When suddenly, guess who saves them.   Go on.   Guess.

What?   No.   Can't be Hunter.   He's the one being attacked.   I know.   It's usually him.   But no.   Guess again.

Huh?   What?   No.   Not Mr. Hughes.   Although good callback.   But no.   Not him.   Keep guessing.   Huh?   No.   Not Sting.   No.   Not Duke The Dumpster.   No.   Not Rick Steamboat.   No.   Not Jeff Hardy.   No.   Not…oh wait.   Yes.   Yes it is.   It's Jeff Hardy.  

It should have been obvious given the whole part time lovers storyline these two are doing.   Who else is gonna save him?  Gary Coleman?  Unfortunately for Gamy, his knight in shining nail polish was two sizes too small.   The Curry Borscht Express stopped the beatdown on Helmsley and instead decided to beat on Jeffery.

Guess who saved Jeff Hardy.   Yup that's right.  Triple H.   How does that work?   Well, Hunter rolled out of the ring and retrieved Miss Joanie, his trusted Sledgehammer.   With Joanie in hand, he came back into the fray and frightened poor Vladimir away.   Khali stayed behind and tried to plead for his life.   While his life was spared, his tummy wasn't.   Hunter hit him twice and sent him from the ring.

After Jolly Green took a hike, HHH turned back to Kozlov in the aisle.   He stood in front of Hardy, bent over, and challenged the Moscow native to enter the ring.    V-Koz. refused, citing the sledge, and instead opted to leave the scene.   Helmsley expressed his dissatisfaction with this by giving him the Suck It Salute.   As the WWE Champion and Jeff stood side-by-side in the ring, Tazz reminded us that they have a title match at No Mercy.   Yeah.   Remember that?  

OK.   I just have to stop here and point out that it is insane crap like this that makes me miss Hunter Hearst Helmsley on Raw.   For those keeping score, here's what happened.   Triple H interrupted a match between the two biggest bad asses on Smackdown.   He got beat up and then was saved.   In the end, though, he actually saves the guy who game out to save him, takes out the biggest monster, and stands tall in the ring as Kozlov leaves despite the fact that Kozlov was involved in the match.   Basically, Hunt came down, kicked ass, and claimed the ring for himself.    I'm sure the rationale is that they're building for WWE Champion HHH vs. Vladimir, but still.   All this guy needs now is X-Ray vision and flying ability.

I know people think I read into these things too much – but I don't.   In fact, Triple himself talks about how closely he follows the intricacies of the business.   It's his life.   There's no way in hell that I'm noticing things like this and he's not.  

In the leather couch room, La Famiglia and Gorg are watching a TV monitor.   Chavo Guerrero is still off his anxiety meds because all he can do is hyperventilate over the thought of Undertaker doing his damnedest.   In fact, he's sure that UT will get to Vicki tonight.   This causes Big Show to stand up and ask Chavito what his last name is.   It's Guerrero, silly.   So stop acting like a little woman.   Didn't you see the footage of Biggie knocking Taker out?   Huh?   Well let's see it again…

Video of Big Show knocking out Undertaker with a few punches.   I don't remember it being so black and white and slow.

The Showster is proud of his violent tendency and tells Kerwin White to have no fear about General Manager Vicki.   She's taken care of.   Oh, and not only is she taken care of, but she's also takin' care of bid'niss.   Namely – you.   In fact, you have a match and it...is... next!   Yeah.   Take that, Rat Boy.

Commercial Break.

Hey, Chavo.   Welcome to the party.   Have some food.

Oooooo Tacos!   Bum-bum-BUMMMM.   Bum-bum-BUMMMM!  

Ha ha.   That's funny.   Like your theme song.

Oooooo Avocados!   Bum-bum-BUMMMM.   Bum-bum-BUMMMM!  

OK.   I get it.   Although I don't think there are any avocados out there...

Ooooo po-TOT-oes! Bum-bum-BUMMMM.   Bum-bum-BUMMMM!  

Alright.   That's enough.   It's pronounced po-tay….

Oooooo coleslaw-vo!   Bum-bum-BUMMMM.   Bum-bum-BUMMMM!  

Dude.   Seriously.   Get out of my house.

4. Chavo Guerrero pinned Jimmy Wang Yang after a rolling kick

I have an idea for Chavo that could help him.   How about not wearing those bandanas that they sell for $3 at the gas station when you walk to the ring?  That might be a start.   Unless his gimmick is that he owns a gas station, he shouldn't wear it.   Also, he should try to keep Greg Helms from popping up on the screen and giving him advice.  That happened here.   Helms' head popped up in the corner and told Guerrero to worry about Undertaker.    Great.   Pop-Up Hurricane.   As for this match, it was a sign that Vicki wasn't really mad at Chavito.   If she was, he'd be fighting Khali, Mark Henry, or someone else who doesn't constantly lose.   In this case Jimmy Wang Yang can hardly be seen as a punishment.   No matter how much I rag on Chav, he's still in a better spot that J.W.Y.   In fact, Guerrero is quite capable of moving to the next level, if only they could figure out what the heck to do with him.   He's so non-descript.   In the past few years, all most fans know about him is that he has a familiar last name.   With the exception of his ECW Title feud with C.M. Punk, he hasn't done much to distinguish himself from others.   I mean, that Mariachi Band segment was one of the only major moments he's done since the Kerwin White thing.   He may be winning lately, but he's not really doing it with style and WWE has to get on that.   No sense in wasting wins on a guy you have no idea how to market.  

After the bell, the lights went out momentarily.   When they went back on…Sabu was there.   No he wasn't.   I'm kidding.   No one was there.   Just Chavito all scared.   Either Undertaker is giving him a warning or Triple H spit soda on the power supply and shorted it out for a second.   Either explanation works.  

Commercial Break.

Happy Birthday, Primo.   Here you go.

Oh…wow.   An apple.   Thanks, Carlito.

You are welcome.   Apples are cool.

I know.   You gave me one for Christmas and my last four birthdays.   I already told you.   I'm allergic to apples.

Oh!   Oh yes.   Of course.   I keep forgetting.   Hey since you're not going to eat it…

Just take it.

YES!  

5. Primo and Carlito defeated Curt Hawkins and Zach Ryder to win the WWE Tag Team Champions.

Both Carlito's hair and pants have gotten longer since he left Raw.   I guess he's going the reverse Chris Jericho route.   At the start of the match, Primo hit a sick head scissor on Hawkins and nearly decapitated him with it.   It looked really crazy.   They even showed a replay of it.   J.R. compares Hawkins and Ryder to the Hart Foundation and the Brain Busters.   They know how to cut that ring in half.   They know how to work the five second rule.   They know how their partner thinks.   They know how (insert tag team cliché here).   It's true though.   These two are a solid team and when you look at that ghastly Major Brothers persona they had when they first debuted, it proves it.   When you work that hard to look alike, most assume that you're really into the whole teammate thang.   Now, even though they look like a mini-Edge and mini-Hunter, they still have that spirit.   All the tag spirit in the world can't stop the Colon brothers though.   They say blood is thicker than water and thankfully the family still had some left even after Abdullah the Butcher cut their dad open for 20 straight years.   Carly Colon hit Aaron (or Zach, if you're into using the correct names) with his Backcrackin' Backstabber.   Three seconds later and we have new Tag Team Champions.   Forget champagne…get these men some apple juice!  

Leather Couch Room again.   Chavo is still crying.   Big Show is still annoyed.   Vicki is still trying to be the one in charge.   She tells her nephew-in-law that it's time to head to the ring as a group.   When the timid Chavito balks at the idea, she tells him to remain backstage…alone…with the monsters…and the spiders…and the…

LIKE ZOINKS!   WAIT FOR ME YOU GUYS!  

Commercial Break.

During the break, Jesse and Festus brought their moving company van out and basically abducted Ryder and Hawkins.   Just a quick note, if a show is pre-taped and something happened "during the break," then whatever that thing is doesn’t really matter that much.

** Wel-l-l...it's the Big Gorg....

We're treated to about ten seconds of dead air before La Famiglia and Gorg come to the ring.   Vicki Guerrero is the first to speak.   She does the "excuse me" gimmick a few times before finally calling out the Undertaker.   What's up, dead-arse?   Where y'at?   Huh?   Not here.   Guerrero never should have let you back.   After all, you "physically and mentally obliterated" her husband Edge.  

"You swore.   You swore you would never take my soul.   You didn't take anything. "

- Vicki Guerrero.

"You swore you would never take my soul?"   What are we?   Five?   There's something just ridiculous about seeing a grown woman worried that her soul might get taken.   I guess after you eat a tombstone and sit in a wheelchair for months, it's hard to top it.   What can he do next?   Ah yes.   Take the soul!   Splendid!

We shoot to a video package of Big Show pummeling The Undertaker.   The clip seemed familiar.   Probably because they've played it 10,000 times.

The G.M. keeps laughing about Undie's no show.   They're here and he's not.   Like the Great Pumpkin, he's just not showing up.   The only one who thinks he might is Chavo – who is playing the Linus role tonight.   He pleads for them stop, but they don't.   Vick laughs and Big Show runs down all the success he's had in his feud with UT.   Just as he starts getting into it though…

Bong…Bong…Bong…

Dude!   I heard you the first time.   Just give me a second and I'll pass it.  

The music plays but no one new is there when the lights come back on.   Not even Sabu.   Well, actually someone isn't there.   Who?   You guessed it.   Chavo.   Where is he?   He's on the big screen.

Magically delicious, The Undertaker has not only appeared on the TitanTron thingy, but he also kidnapped Chavo Guerrero from the ring and brought him backstage in the matter of three seconds.   Screw David Blaine.   Forget Derren Brown.   To hell with Tony Wonder.   No one does prestidigitation like the American Bad Ass.

Under beats the Amway out of Chavito and wrecks the leather couches in the process.   He finishes by standing on Guerrero's throat while the camera cut in and out viral style.   It was the same effect they used for Jericho's return.   Pretty cool.   As this is going on, Show springs from the ring and runs to the back.

At this point, they did something that I hate.   They had a situation go down that was contrary to what is usually done.   Tazz, suddenly becoming a scoop reporter, grabs the mic and rushes to the ring for Vicki's thoughts on what's happening.   It begs the question – why didn't he want to know anything from anyone else who came out all night?   It takes a magic trick to make him spring to action?

Anyway, it seemed to all be misdirection because as he walked up the steps, the Bong song played and the lights went out.   When they came back on, The Undertaker was standing in the ring…looking down on Vicki's head.

She trembles and turns around to face him.   He grabs her throat…and Tombstones her.   Splat.  

Hey, at least he didn't take her soul, right?