Raw Theme Plays .

Welcome everyone to Monday Night Raw! Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are live on tape from Ohio State and they are totally juiced about tonight's show! Uh…well, that's the wrong term to use. They're pumped up…no, uh, they're jacked…no. That doesn't work either. Hmmm. What could we say?  Oh. I got it. They're high and roided up over tonight's Raw! Randy Orton will talk about John Cena's dad's face tonight! Plus, Triple H returns for his first Raw match of the year against Carlito Cool! Then from there, the planets are aligned and God is crying because the entire McMahon Family is in the house! Well, not all of them are. There's still that one floating child out there waiting to be a part of the crazy clan. Who is it? Is he on hand tonight? Did he get suspended? Only one way to find out! Let's go to the ring and get the title off that big Samoan guy!

Hey, man. The office needs to talk to you. Is your real name Edward Fatu?

Let's rewind a few weeks and pretend you heard that there would be a big pharmacy scandal in WWE. Now imagine someone said to pick between Umaga and Jeff Hardy as to which would be implicated. Who would you pick? Crazy, right? I feel like Lisa Ruddy and Moose are gonna jump out and say that this is just the introduction to the opposite sketches. I'm afraid to say "I don’t know" or "water." Either way, this match was pretty much the setup to get the strap off of Maga. I get the reasoning, but I can't help but think that WWE could have chosen someone besides Jeff. At a time like this, the door is wide open to pull someone from obscurity and give them a mega-push. Instead they go back to the same ol', same ol'. That's not to say that Jeff wasn't over. He was. I just think there were better opportunities out there to lift up someone who could benefit more from a title run that the Hardy Boy. Even though we all expected a title change, that doesn't mean that the Charismatic Enigma dominated the Samoan Bulldozer. It was actually the opposite. The contest played out logically and featured Jamala doing his savage beat down for a good amount of time. When Jeffery finally mounted a few comebacks, they were all due to his fast moves and Plasticman-like flips. One of the funnier commentary moments included Jim Ross talking about how Umaga's weight was disturbed "strategically." As if someone chooses to be tubby in a particular spot. "Hey. Think I'll fatten up my left oblique today. Tomorrow, I'll only eat foods that target my shoulder blubber." J.R. also still refers to Hardy as "The R a i nb ow H a ired Warrior" even though his hair is mostly red with a touch of blonde. Not sure what type of rainbows they have in Oklahoma, but they sound kinda lame. Both men secured near falls, which got the crowd going nuts. When the end finally came, no one saw it coming. Jamal climbed the turnbuckles and Jeffy knocked him down. He made the cover and got the three count out of nowhere. As the ref hit three, the Bulldozer tossed the new champ off of him, sending him through the ropes to the floor. Too late, Samoa Stomach.  Tardy Hardy gets the gold.

Still to come: The McManson Family.

During the break, Umaga went crazy and began destroying the ringside area like Bret Hart after a doublecross.

In the dressing room, Vince McMahon's attorneys are hard at work. Vince tells John Coachman that he has the best lawyers you can find. Sure, his family might have some of their own attorneys, but eff dat noise. They aren't going to get past Daddy Mac's offense. Just as he's about to explain his family's eventual demise, VKM is interrupted by a knock at the door. It's Carlito Cool with his freshly cut mini-afro. (JG Note: Supercuts - Now tha's cool.) McMahon tells Cool that he wants to treat Triple H "like family" tonight. Know what that means? Besides being over-pushed? Well, it means that he's going to get the bottled water beaten out of him. How about we do a little handicap match? The King of Kings against you…and UMAGA! Carly likes the sound of that. I guess he doesn't remember that Maga tried to eat his entire Cabana set two weeks ago. No matter. Carl has a new hairdo. Maybe the Samoan Bulldozer won't recognize him. He sort of looks like a Puerto Rican version of Freddie Washington from Welcome Back Kotter now.  It's all good.  The match is on.  Triple C goes off to eat an apple and learn how to speak Samoan.

Knocky, knocky, Maria! Its'a me! Mario Santino Marella! Santa is at the door and he is'a so happy about your match against Beth Phoenix tonight. Sadly, Maria isn't as thrilled. She appreciates the thought, Chef Boy-R-Dee, but wishes you would have asked first. After all, she's still sore from her last match with Beth. SanMar laughs at this thought and tells Miss Mary that he knows her better than she knows herself. Chin up, ragazza. It's all bene.

After this, we shoot over the William Regal. The Raw General Manger is talking to former Women's Champion Melina. Seems that Mel is worried about the McFamily tonight. Know why? Well, do you remember that meeting Lina had with Mr. McMahon in July? Probably not. No one does. Well, in case you didn't, allow M to tell you why she's worried and whisper the dirty details in your ear. That's exactly what she does and Willie's bugged out eyes tell the story. Of course, Melly neglected to look behind her. That always happens.  When it does, there's always the last person you want to see standing there...well, standing there.  In this case, Stephanie McMahon, who looked like she was nine feet tall, was listening.  Steph-o Mac reared back and looked ready to slap her. Melina braced for the hit, but it didn't come. Instead, we realize that Melina also forgot to look in front of her too. Why? Because Linda McMahon was standing there. Wau to keep an eye out, girl.  Making matters worse, Lindy Mac looked really angry (JG Note: Which is sort of the way she looks when she's kinda angry…and happy…and asleep.) The McWife responded with a weak smack across the cheating diva's face, which sent Miss M reeling. Of course, Ron Simmons had to offer his director's commentary on the situation. Yeah. You guessed it. Damn!

Maria came to the ring with Santino Marella's music and Christian Cage's entrance gear. With her Italian lova by her side, the Bubble Headed Warrior deferred to him for her pre-match speech. Marella raised his arm in the air, took the microphone and issued a warning to Ron Simmons.

"When my arm is better. I'm gonna embarrass you worse than that Senator who was looking for boyfriend love in the toilet. Don't tell me to wrap it up. Shut up'a you face, son of a gun. Maybe you don't remember I was intercontinental Champione'. And plus I am also Italian. I can add a little bit of class to this - how you say - disgusting dump of a city."
                    - Santino Marella

This guy's promos are awesome. I laugh my butt off, which is a rarity with wrestling promos. As for calling the city a disgusting dump…them's fighting words. Tonight's chosen defender of Ohio arrives to do his thing. Yup. It's the Sandman, who comes through the crowd with his kendo stick in hand. One lone nostalgic fan in the audience screams out "ECW" as he does. Man, I feel bad for that guy. Not Santino though. He actually feels bad for the ECW Original himself. Know why? Well…

"Look at your face. I can see from here. You're so jealous. Oh my God. You're so jealous because I make love to beautiful Maria and you - you make love to your stick."
- Santino Marella

Yikes. I know it's fake and even I shuttered when he said that. To paraphrase an old skit, Sandy don't play that. As payback for Marella's sharp tongue, Sandman did the only thing he could do in this situation. He caned the hell out of him. Santa was beaten from the ring, up the ramp, and through the curtain. Ciao, Ohio! Marella has to get - how you say - medical attention.

Beth is considered a "glamazon" by WWE. Whatever works. I personally think the most glamorous Amazon was that four armed brownish-green woman, Sheeva, in the Mortal Kombat game. That's just me. I also feel like if she was real and not just a video game lady, she'd hand Phoenix her glamazonious ass. Fortunately for her, Maria isn't Sheeva. She was easy prey for the Fisherman suplex and the one, two, three.

After the bell, Phoenix informed us all that she would be cashing in her title shot against Candice Michele at Unforgiven. She then gives a generic promo about her Glamazonian ways which she ends by attacking Maria. This goes on until Candice comes out and stares her down. Beth smiles and leaves while Dr. Candy checks on the fallen interviewer-turned-loser.

Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler then show us close-ups of John Cena's dad's face. His eye is really black. Then again, the photos are obviously tinted because I don’t remember Papa Cena being bright green. Both commentators wonder how Randy Orton, up after the break, will explain his actions. Huh?  I didn’t even realize that was an issue. An explanation?  I thought he did it for fun. I mean…what was his explanation for doing it to Cody Rhodes' dad? Fun, right? That's what I thought. It sure looked like fun to me.

Standing center ring is William "Don't Call Me Darren" Regal. Will The Thrill reminds fans of Randy Orton's heinous behavior last week. He kicked John Cena's father in the face. Remember? No? Here. Look.

Video Recap of Randy Orton kicking John Cena's dad in the face.

Once the video ends, William informs the crowd that The Legend Killer is not in attendance tonight. He has the evening off. However, a night off in WWE doesn't mean a real night off. It just means that instead of having to go the arena, they just have to drive to a studio and sit in front of some weird beams for an interview via satellite. So, without further ado, herrrrreeeeeee's Randy!

"I wish I was there to confront the people who think what I did last week was sick. But you know what? Call me sick. Call me deranged. Call me what you want. But John Cena, John Cena did this to himself. John Cena's father got his face kicked off because of John Cena. His father's blood is on his hands. And just to think that Cena could have prevented all of this from happening if last week, he had accepted a rematch with me for the WWE title. Well, I wonder John Cena, do you want that rematch now? I have a feeling you do. "
          - Randy Orton

After Randall's speech, Slick Willie does the only thing that he could think of to punish him for such a horrific act. He gives him a title shot at Unforgiven. Hey. He's a new GM. He's just getting the hang of all this. Orton likes the sound of that punishment and leans into the camera to give one final statement to get under the champ's skin.

"One more thing for John Cena. John, I hope your father never forgives you for what you let happen last week."
                     -Randy Orton

(JG Note: I thought that was the whole angle they were taking on the Cody Rhodes/Dusty Rhodes thing. Remember that? No? Don't worry.  Neither does Cody.)

These words are enough to drag John Cena from the back. Stoic and emotionless, Cena walks up to the ring and stands face to face with William. As the General Manager tries to explain that he only did what he thought was right, Dr. Thuggypants doesn't seem to hear him. Instead, he looked at his title. He looked at the oversized hubcap necklace he wears. He looked at the ceiling. Then, he looked at the Englishman…and opened up a can of white bread on him.

J.C. jumped the dapper commissioner and went to town with punches. When they finally tumbled from the ring, the WWE Champion locked the STFU on tight. As Regal tapped, Johnny screamed like John Goodman during that Raising Arizona scene. AHHHHHH!  By the time the referees finally came to peel the Marine off, the damage had been done. Lord William was spitting up…uh, spit. Shocked, J.R. said that if this had happened outside the arena, it would "be considered assault." Um, Jim? I was under the impression that almost everything that happened on Raw would be considered assault if it was done outside the arena. Isn't that the point? If not, I'm gonna go running down my block hitting random people with a ladder.  Bring it on, mailman!  I've got a sledgehammer with your name on it!

3. Brian Kendrick and Paul London defeated The World's Greatest Tag Team when Kendrick pinned Charlie Haas.

Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade did commentary for this one. For some reason, Trevor had his hair combed like a second grader on picture day. It still was ten times better than Shelton Benjamin. Shelly looks like Butch Reed '07. I guess they figured that's what he needed. He needed blonde hair. Whatever works. That's like having a broken TV and deciding that the best way to fix it is to paint it orange. Lance and Murdoch played the aww-gee good guy gimmicks during this one. It all lead to the big match finale. When Kendrick hit Charlie with the Sliced Bread #2, they stood and gave him a standing ovation.

Cade and Second Grade Trevor then entered the ring and applauded the new #1 Contenders. Jim Ross wondered if they were going to attack. I guess he doesn't remember that they did this storyline already. When they offered their hands to Brian and Paul, most assumed a beat down would follow. Nope. Instead everyone was happy-happy and the "when will they attack" story beings once again. Great. It's like watching a rerun.

In the parking lot, William Regal is bruised and beaten. Sitting in an ambulance, he's being checked on by paramedics as Shane McMahon walks by. Shane-o Mac smirks and says that it "looks like an interesting night so far."

Hey Vince!

Hey Hunter.

Did you get my memo about my new nickname idea?

Yeah. I don't think we're going to go with them. Just stick to "King of Kings."

What didn't you like about it? I think its money. MONEY!

Look! Enough. For the last time, we're not calling you "Captain Jesus." Now end of conversation!

5. Triple H defeated Umaga and Carlito Cool in a Handicap match via disqualification.

Stuff like this is ridiculous. Look, let's be straight about the whole thing. Umaga is on his way out for a while. I get that. He has to be eaten by Hunter and given his month-long walking papers. What I don't get is why it has to be in a handicap match. Couldn't Carly just sit at ringside for it? Couldn't it be one-on-one? I could sit here and question the reasoning behind making it two-on-one with Trips going over until I turn blue in the face, but it all goes back to the same reasoning. He's in the family - plain and simple. I know it's taboo and we all dance around it but it's the only answer. Things like this make me tired of Triple before I even have a chance to be excited about his return. The funny part is that the Game would speak out against the booking of someone else in this same position against two top heels. "Why have a baby face go over everyone so easily like Superman? It takes away from the whole 'can he win' mentality." Knowing that The King of Connecticut is going to go over each time makes his matches less enjoyable to watch. That's just my opinion. Sure, you can throw Hulk Hogan up as an argument and say that Hulkster went over everyone he faced. You'd be right. Then again, that was 20 years ago. The nation was playing Duck Hunt and eating Mr. T Cereal. Things change. By the mid-90s, fans were ready to firebomb WCW for using the same formula. I'm not saying that Helmsley shouldn't have gone over in some way. I'm just saying that there was no reason to make it a handicap match. In fact, there was little reason to have it at all. It lasted about a minute and ended in a DQ when Maga couldn't seem to grasp the concept of tagging in.

After the bell, Carly and Umy went to town on the Game. Cool hit his Backstabber and the Suspended Bulldozer whaled away on the K.O.K. with punches. When Coolio placed a chair in front of his Gamy face for a rampaging Umaga butt-bump, it all looked to be over.

But then Trips moved out of the way.

Despite the fact that it would be the exact same bump whether or not Hunt's head was there, Maggie still seemed to get hurt from the mistimed move. When Carl went to check on him, Sideburns McGameface grabbed a chair. Did he use it to sit? Nope. Build a fort? Nah-ah. He used it for the reason that WWE bought it - to hit people.

Helmsley began slamming the steel into the Bulldozer's head, but it couldn't knock him down. After about half a dozen smacks, Jamala finally hit the mat. The Motorhead Fan then rolled out of the ring and grabbed hold of his trusty sledgehammer, Miss Betsy, from under the ring. Seeing this, Carlito wisely hightailed it out of there.

Gameboy took his hammer, returned to the ring, and promptly pounded the piss out of the Samoan with it. Bloody and battered, Maga took shot after shot before being finished off with one nasty hit to the head. He fell and Mr. Stephanie stood tall. Looks like the former IC Champion is going to need some medical attention. Hope he picks up his pain medicine from CVS this time around. No more mail order. OK, Sika?

On the way to the ring…Mr. McMahon and John Coachman. Don't you dare go away! If you do, you'll, well, miss it. So don't.

It's go-time, kiddies. The No Chance anthem rings out t and Vince McMahon arrives in his almost-purple, but not quite sports coat. Daddy Mac has his "Dream Team" of lawyers by his side. (JG Note: Maybe it's just me, but you'd assume that a "Dream Team" of lawyers would have - I don't know - names.) As he does, Jim Ross makes the error of saying that Vince's illegitimate son is a "raw Superstar." Ooops.

Big Mac takes the mic and says that his family is here. However, they're not concerned about his "bastard son." They're here for the reason he's said from the start - "the mun-nay." They want a handout. Hell, everyone here wants one! That's all anyone has on their mind. Mun-nay! Mun-nay!

The Emmy Award Winning Linda McMahon is on hand and she's ready to confront her husband. Without an attorney by her side, Lindy Mac has no qualms about her real reasons for being here…and it's not the mun-nay..

"Vince, let me explain something to you. I am the CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment. I've got money. And I've got plenty of it. I don't need your money. And, huh, thanks to your assistant who paraded out on television all these women that you supposed slept with. I could take you to court and take you for everything you've got. "
- Linda McMahon

(JG Note:  Uh, Linda.  Not sure if you read the newspaper, but there's some stuff going on and you might want to ixnay on the E.O.C-ay)

McMahon suddenly backpedals. Listen, lady. You never understood. Daddy Mac was on the road every night working his fingers to the bone. You never understood that. Without him, these fans wouldn't be here today. He built this company! He built this product! Hell, he built this city on rock-n-roll! You can't get comprehend that, Linda. The kids will though. Yeah. Shane and Stephanie will understand…

Stephanie McMahon is here! Yeah! Stephanie can't get a word out before her dad stops her short. Chill, girl. You're the volatile one in the family. We all know that. Now, before you go buck wild like a Flava of Love girl, check out this video. It's a package that your daddy put together to show his somewhat bizarre love for you. Take a look.

Video Package set to beautiful piano music…of Vince beating the crap of Stephanie and Linda on Smackdown.

The video comes to a close and back in the ring, The Coach is trying to explain what happened. Someone must have sabotaged that video. Who could it be?

If you couldn't figure it out, there's a smiling guy with a water bottle on the big screen who can tell you.

"No matter what you think, I swear. I had nothing to do with that. Hi, Steph."
        - Triple H

Stephie Mac explains her feelings from the heart. Look, daddy. Stephanie thinks you're sick. She's said it before and she'll say it again. You need help. You should go get some. Steph, who gets her acting ability from her mother, makes a valid point. She just wants to see her nutty dad get some professional care.  Some counciling.  Some therapy.  Some dance lessons... 

Shane dances funnnnnnny….yes he does. Shane dance funny. Funny, funny, funny, funny, funny….

This brings out Shane McMahon, who has some words for his old man. Look, Daddy Mac, Shane-o needs to know which Vince we're dealing with here. There's two. There's the visionary Vince. The Vince that created an industry. Then there's another one (JG Note: Vince Vaughn?) The other Vince is demented, sick, and evil. The audience decides to pipe in and offer their own take on it. They begin to chant "asshole" and although he hears them loud and clear, VKM misunderstands who the target is.

"The next time you call my wife that name, I'm gonna beat the hell out of you!"
- Vince McMahon

This made me laugh out loud. Linda looks to the air with an expression of frustration. Shane-o Insane-o tells his dad that this whole thing isn't as bad as it seems. After all, he always wanted a brother. That doesn't change the fact that you need help though, Pops. There's something wrong. This leads to a sudden change of heart for Mr. McLovin'. Listen, kids. Daddy has something to say. All that wild, crazy R. Kelly sex that you think he had never really happened. He only cheated on your mum once. That's it. One time. The mother of this bastard is the only indiscretion he ever committed. You have his word that from this day forward, Vincent will change his cheating ways and make everything alright. You have nothing to worry…

….KENNEDY!

Mr, Kennedy has arrived and he's got plenty to say. As he enters the ring, John Coachman tries to stop him from speaking, but it doesn't help. He speaks anyway.

"What am I doing out here? I'm out here because everything happens for a reason. Like there was a reason why you came face to face with me the night you found out your illegitimate child was a WWE superstar. There's reason why my last name is your middle name. That's not coincidence. There's a reason why you demanded that the indentity of you illigitimate son is revealed next week, which just happens to take place in my hometown of Green Bay , Wisconsin. You know why. You know why…dad? I'm you're son. I am your son."
        - Ken Kennedy

Stephanie jumps in and tells Ken that he "might be a bastard, but you're not my dad's bastard." Kennedy calls her "sis" and tells her to back off. She asks for proof and Shane takes her shoulder and pulls her back. Mr. K says, "Yeah. Take her away." You took the words out of my mouth, Kendall. Someone put a tube sock in her mouth already. The Supposed Son continues:

"Dad, you don't have to change for anyone. Nobody. These people want to change you. If it were up to me, you'd be more outrageous. You'd be more over-the-top. Yeah. You know, it all boils down to this. If you wouldn't have been that egomaniacal lunatic like they say you are, I wouldn't have become the greatest WWE superstar in history and that's a fact because you inspired me. You inspired me. You did. You inspired me, sir. Know what you can do? You can listen to these people. Your old family - the people who want to obviously hold you down. Take your money,. Kick you when you're down or you can listen to me. A son who cares. A son who's not going to judge you. That son's name is Misterrrrrrrrrrrrr Kennedy…Kennedy….McMahon!"
        - Ken Kennedy…McMahon (?)

Before he said his name - the money shot of the entire monologue, Steph interrupted this speech to say, "Dad, tell me you're not believing this." Amazing. What's her freakin' problem? It was a theme with her for the whole segment. She seemed to step all over everyone's words. That didn't ruin Ken's heartwarming moment. He lowered the microphone and gave his "dad" a big hug. Awwwww…..

Cue the Ben Vereen Robot.

Out steps an "attorney" that looks like, well, Ben Vereen. He also speaks like a robot. Hence the whole Ben Vereen Robot thing.  Anyway, this is where he drops the big bombshell. Ben represents the mother of the McBastard. Furthermore, Ken Kennedy is not said bastard. When Vince asks who it is, he's told that he can't know just yet. However, he'll find out next week. The crowd boos. So do the people at home. However, just to end the show on a note that isn't completely disappointing, Robo-Ben has a clue to the baby's identity. Want to hear it? O.K. Ready? Ready? Here goes.

"Things are looking up."

That's it. Scratch what I said about not ending things on a disappointing note. The McManson Family seem confused as we fade to black.

Let's face facts. This has been a tumultuous year for WWE creative. For so long we were running the hamster wheel of storylines. You knew what was coming. You knew what was next. Even the big shockers were all but forgone conclusions.

The night that Vince McMahon blew himself….up, it seemed pretty predicable. The whole show had been a long memorial to the boss. Then he "died." Many of us saw it coming.

After his demise, there were still those who knew where it was going. The big theory heading in was that Vinnie Mac faked the whole thing. While it was the most probable, it was also the outcome that would be viewed as the biggest letdown. Guess what. It turns out that was the big finale. However, it never got to happen. Tragedy stuck and creative had to scramble.

So…they do this paternity angle. It was smart in that it was a "who done it" thing. Those angles tend to be the most fun for all of us watching. We guess along and try to figure out where things are going. Sadly, we figured it out within a few minutes of the announcement. Most people realized that Ken Kennedy was going to get the rub from the McSplosion story and put two and two together…together. They saw that Kenny was the most probable offspring. It looked like they were right.

Then all this new stuff happened and it appears that WWE is looking for another direction. In a way, all of this has made World Wrestling Entertainment less predictable than it has been in years. Unfortunately, it didn't happen because of a strong creativity. It happened out of sheer desperation and tragedy. Funny how we used to talk about how a challenge from WCW made Vince McMahon get off his butt and give a better show. Now it's a challenge from congress that's doing it. Either way, it's back to that "anything can happen" feeling. I missed that and I'm glad to see it back again. I just wish it was under better circumstances.

The final sequence was done well. With the way they set things up, they knew it would be a letdown. It was. Luckily, they had that letdown occur in the final minute of the show so the crowd didn't have time to throw tomatoes at them before the show ended. On a good note, it gives you a reason to tune in next week.

Triple H killed Umaga. John Cena killed William Regal. Done and done. I think Maga's exit was done well and Regal's wasn't. They shouldn't have shown William in the ambulance after the match. It took away from the brutality and made his injury seem less serious than they were trying to sell it to be.

If this show featured a weekly hour-long Santino Marella promo each week, I would watch it. He's awesome and his delivery is better than any heel I've seen in years.

That's it for tonight. I'm sure next week's show will give us a better idea of what's to come. In the mean time, WWE managed to give a fairly good show during a week that seemed anything but. Kudos all around. Well…to everyone except for Stephanie. If anyone shouldn't speak into a WWE microphone again, it's her.

See you tomorrow for another edition of Bull Buchanan's Bullpen and in the next few days for another uncut interview. Be well!