Yo.   Jamie Kennedy's not here this week.   Know why?   'Cause of something you did.   Yeah.   You.   You made Jamie Kennedy cry.   How you feel about that?   You feel like a big man?   Huh? I'm ashamed of you.

But Gingko Baloba, bitches.   Ralph's here.   Your favorite uncle with benefits is back in the house with an all new look at a week old edition of WWE Superstars.  

I saw this show on Hulu and when I first went to the page, there was this picture of Roger Ebert from his recent interview and all I can think is, "DAMN!...I really like that sweater.   I should go shopping."   Then I started thinking that it's been a while since I've watched anything non-pornographically inclined on my computer.   Then I started thinking that I don't think I've ever washed my mouse or keyboard.  

And further down the spiral I go.   Welcome to my dark tea party.   Let's watch this stupid show already.

1) William Regal and Jack Swagger beat Chris Masters and Santino Marella in a HEY!   I'm making fun of Aaron Wood by writing this little bit at the end~~~ match!~!~!!

Why is William Regal friends with Jack Swagger?   Doesn't he hate America?   Doesn't every foreign wrestler hate America?   Hell, doesn't every bad guy wrestler - even the ones from America - hate America?   Oh, and don't send me your emails going, "Oh.   Ralph.   I'm from another country.   The bad guys here hate my country."   I don't care.   The bad guys in your country are good guys to me.   Know why?    Cause USA, baby!   That's why!   HA!   This match reminded me of how much Santino Marella and All American Jack suck now.   What happened?   I used to like them.   Now they're like those people you only see when you watch shows on Hulu.   The funniest thing about all this is that Eve was at ringside and she's freaking out like this match means something.   Talk about lowered expectations.   Hey, Eve.   Call me, baby.   No one meets lowered expectations like Ralphie.   I've got a red rider BB gun, baby, and I'll shoot your eye out!   Awwww yeah.

Coming up - The Hart Dynasty vs. Matt Hardy, The Great Khali, and Maria.   No shit?   No shit.

WrestleMania 26 has all the elements of a great WrestleMania.   The most important, of course, being  a really gay theme song.

2) Zack Ryder beat Primo in a how the hell did my socks get in my sandwich I'm eating and I didn't notice until like six bites in because I thought it was a bad piece of eggplant or some shit but it wasn't it's socks and now I'm going to throw up on my sofa and who's gonna clean that up because I won't and I know that because I have never cleaned the mouse or keyboard on my computer but I told you that at the start of the report if you remember I said it at the start and that is called a callback match.

Zack Ryder is from Long Island.   I'm from Long Island too.   Me and Zack Ryder should go to Mulcahy's and slap some hoes.   We can hit up the Nutty Irishman and slap some hoes.   We could go all sorts of places and slap hoes.   That's my thing.   I travel and slap hoes.   Zack looks like he'd be into that.   I'm not sure why he likes to wear half-pants.   I wear half-pants sometimes, but not on purpose.   I find that the more alcohol I have - the less pants I have.   It's a thing.   A mathematical thing.   This was a pretty good match.   In the end, Ryder got the victory because Primo sucks.    Thus, his name is irony.   Primo is not primo.   That's ironic.   And that is your literary lesson of the day, children.   Now go tell your parents you're a smart person.  I'm still ashamed of you though.

3) Luke Gallows beat Jobby Robby from Cobby Zimbabwe

Luke Gallow dedicates his match to CM Punk.   He owes his life to being Straight Edge.   I heard straight edge means you don't have sex too.   Is that why they shaved that chick's head?   I mean, I'd still tear it up, but is it to deter them from trying to get with her?   Makes sense to me.   It's kind of freaky.   I mean, you look real quick during the act and you get a glimpse of Bull from Night Court.   Yuck.   I don't want to get with Richard Moll.   Do you?  

…and that's why he shaved her head.   Once again, you're welcome.

They show a video from Raw and, if I'm not mistaken, I think John Cena said that he and Vince McMahon had sex with Bret Hart.  

Some commercial airs where MVP tells me not to try his moves at home or at school.   I say f**k you, MVP.   If I want to go to my local school and dropkick 10 year olds, you best believe that's what I'm gonna do.   And If you have a problem with that, you can roll it and smoke it, loser.

Oh, and if I'm not allowed to do what you do when I'm at home, then you're not allowed to do what I do when YOU'RE at home.   No beer and computer porn for you, Montell.   Ha.    Once again - Loser.

4) The Hart Dynasty beat Matt Hardy, Maria, and Great Khali

Rules: The men must compete against men.   The women must compete against women.

That makes no f**kin sense.   None.   Zero.   Why have them in there together?   Let them fight separate matches.   What the hell is the point of that?   Men must compete against men?   What if I don't want to?   What if I accidentally punch Maria in the face?   You know, oops.   Sorry.   Would I get fined?   Why would anyone sign a contract like that?   Dummies.  

Matt Hardy ate it for his team.   All sweaty and panting, he got hit by a Hart Attack thingy and bam.   That's it.   He shamed his family, friends, and Shane Helms sitting at home having slap fights with himself.  Nice pants, Matt.  'Least you got to use that bedazzler you got for Valentine's Day.

In the end, Maria's team lost.   Maybe that's why she got fired.

K.   Bye. I gotta go buy some new socks and sweaters.    Say hi to your mom for me.