C-Show Showdown WWE SuperStars SuperReview: Cryme Tyme Explodes!
By Mike Johns
May 13, 2010 - 8:23 AM
This week’s Superstars Super Review is being brought to you in HD thanks to a grant from the Human Fund.
Hello and welcome once again to your Superstars Super Review. Bringing you the blow by blow is the Lord of the Insanity Universe, Mike Johns, who, like most of the known WWE Universe, doesn’t get WGN, and is therefore forced to sit around and wait for WWE to upload their shows to Hulu before he can write up his smart-ass review for this very website.
What You Missed Last Week: Gail Kim made Jillian Hall Eat Defeat, Zack Ryder took down Primo Colon, the Hart Dynsasty successfully defended their Unified tag team Titles against the Dudebusters, and Calito, for the first time since I took on this gig, was not on the show.
So, what’s the chance of Carlito being in the very first segment of this week’s show? Any takers?
We begin our show with Michael Cole, telling us about our exciting Main Event for the evening, Shad Gaspard vs. JTG. Yep, this feud is now being used as fodder for the C-Show.
And, in the first segment, as expected, we come to Carlito. Are any of you really surprised? And, of course, my favorite person in the universe at the moment, Bitchy McDumbass… I mean, ‘Michael Tarver’, comes walking down with him. Oh, I’m just SO looking forward to this…
Carlito w/ Michael Tarver vs. Primo Colon
So, this is, like, the 1500th time this match has been on this show, right? Kind of makes you wonder if I should even bother actually recapping it, so…
You know what? There’s this rumor that WWE’s looking to put Primo and Carlito back together as a team, and I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the beginning of the road back to the Colon Brothers as a team. So, in lieu of actually reviewing this match, because, after all, we’ve only seen this one a good 1500 times on this show, I’m just going to tell you how it all works out. Okay?
So, Primo goes for this sweet springboard crossbody, but Carly moves out of the way, and Primo misses it. Carly gets himself in position for the backstabber, but hesistates. Primo just looks at him, as if to say, “WTF?” Then Carly waves off the match, takes a mic, goes on his little bitch-fest about the fans and how WWE is misusing him and all, then gives Primo the ultimatum – Continue to be a suck-ass pandering babyface, or join Carlito and be something resembling awesome again. Carly throws down the mic and walks, but Primo pulls him back around, and the two hug. The two then walk off.
So, it turns out, I was right. The Colons got back together. Yay me.
Winner: No Contest
Commercial Time: An ad for the upcoming Over the Limit PPV.
Did you know that WWE.com’s SumerSlam site won the CableFax Gold “Best of the Web” Award? Do we care?!
We then go into a Kofi Kingston Hype video, followed by the return of Chavo to Superstars. What’s it been, two weeks now, since we last saw him?
Chavo Guerrero vs. Chris Masters
So, when did Chris Masters get the bad-ass music? I must have missed that.
Our match begins with Chavo showing off his biceps to Masters, apparently thinking he’s stronger than Roid Boy with the dancing pecs. Oh, wait, Masters is off the gas now, isn’t he? That’s good, I guess. Not like we really need two Rob Terrys in the world, after all…
Masters overpowers Chavo early on, going for the Materlock, but Chavo is able to weasel out of the hold, and the ring. Unfortunately, Chavo fails to outsmart the Masterpiece, and gets caught by him once Chavo reenters the ring. Masters punches Chavo out of the ring again. Masters press slams Chavo back into the ring, but gets caught with a chop as he tries to get back into the ring. Chavo follows it up with a dropkick to the outside, then rolls Masters back in and nails a Hilo for 1. Chavo follows it up with a series of boots and European uppercuts, then wears Chris down with a chinlock. Chavo continues wearing Masters down on the mat for the next few minutes until Masters powers out, ramming Chavo back-first into the turnbuckle. Masters gains the advantage, going for power moves on Chavo. Chavo takes a bad landing off of back body drop, landing on his leg. Masters then nails a backbreaker/sidewalk slam series for a 2 count. Masters calls for the Masterlock as Chavo struggles to his feet. Masters goes for the Lock, but Chavo blocks it, counters into a DDT for 2. Chavo goes for the 3 Amigos, but only lands one before Masters counters into a Masterlock for the win.
Winner: Chris Masters
We now go backstage (Backstage? We HAVE backstage segments on Superstars?!) to Kelly Kelly, who is accosted by two more of my favorite people in the universe, Michelle McCool and Layla. As Team LayCool label Kelly “Smelly”, Kelly reminds them of how she and Beth Phoenix beat them last week on SmackDown. Enter Vickie Guerrero, who gets in on the “Smelly Kelly” action. The 3 then attack Kelly, spraying her with deodorant before Beth Phoenix comes in to run Team LayCool off.
Commercial Time: Divas Champ Eve Torres tells us not to try this at home, followed by an updated John Morrison hype video.
Beth Phoenix vs. Rosa Mendez
So, it’s official. Rosa and the Z-Ryde are no more. Instead, WWE has now repackaged Rosa as the Latina Maryse, complete with bilingual promos and unnecessary hair whipping during her entrances.
Rosa comes to the ring and cuts her bilingual promo reintroducing herself to the WWE Universe and telling Beth that her days as Women’s Champion are coming to an end. The match begins with Rosa slapping Beth across the face, and Beth, responding with the grace and poise of an Amazon, proceeds to pick her up in a fireman’s carry, toss Rosa into the top turnbuckle, and kick her in the gut. This beatdown continues for another minute or so before a blown spot leads to Beth hurting her knee. Rosa then charges at Beth, who rolls Rosa up for the win.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Ringside doctors help Beth to the back as we go to commercial.
Meanwhile, Matt Striker earns his paycheck by trying to sell the audience at home that Rosa kicked Beth in the knee with her toe, rather than the side of her foot (which is apparently frowned upon), and THAT was what caused Beth’s injury. Of course, what actually happened here was that Rosa blew a relatively routine spot, and injured the Women’s Champion on the C-Show. But, hey, you can’t actually expect the commentators to come out and say that.
Kudos to Striker for at least ATTEMPTING the save, though.
Commercial Time: A Bella Twins hype video. Basically, they’re identical twins, and they’re sort of hot. That’s it. Yep, WWE really knows how to market their Divas. Give them little-to-no personality, some threadbare wrestling training, then put them in the ring and watch as they blow routine spots and cripple your Women’s Champion on National TV!
You want a RAW Recap? Well, you got one, HERE. From this, we get the announcement that Orton and Edge will go at it at Over The Limit. Nice.
WWE.com Presents Ask The Divas: “How do you get out of the ‘Friend Zone’ with a girl?” Good question. The Divas’ general concensus is, “Be cool, take it slow, and let her know how you really feel.”
and “What is the Greatest Invention of All Time?” Eve says Spray Tan. McCool says the Airplane. Natalya says her Blackberry, and the Bellas say texting.
Commercial Time: Santino and the Cobra are coming at you in a hype video, as well as a recap of the Harts winning the Tag Titles on RAW a couple weeks back, and the Big Show’s tendency to knock people out since. Miz, Jericho, Edge, and Swagger.
MAIN EVENT TIME!!!
JTG vs. Shad Gaspard
Oh, dear God, I don’t care. They break up, they have a strap match, Shad is the new Monster of the Week, and JTG is… JTG, I guess. So now I have to deal with their feud now. Thanks, WWE. Remind me to put whoever booked this crap on my list, just after Dixie Carter and Lacey Von Erich…
Oh, and now Shad is bald and completely clean-shaven. If they didn’t TELL ME this was Shad Gaspard, I would have sworn he was someone else.
So, anyway, on to the match... JTG nails a leg lariat early on for the advantage. Shad goes for the big boot, but gets hung up on the top rope. JTG dumps him over and dives onto Shad on the outside as we got to our final commercial break.
Commercial Time: A Christian (Cage) Hype video. Yeah, I know he’s only ‘Christian’ in this company, but I actually like Christian Cage. So I still call him that, even a year later, after his return to WWE.
We return to our match, already in progress. Shad has taken over, punching and kicking at JTG as the kids in the audience chant ‘JTG’. Shad wears JTG down in an awkward submission hold that Striker tries to put over (damn, this guy really does try. I don’t get why people hate Matt so much). JTG battles out, but Shad thows him to the mat and continues the beatdown, hitting a big clothesline for 2. JTG goes for another comeback, just to get locked into an Ab Stretch by Shad.
Shad continues the beatdown, and, as you can tell by this match recap, not a whole lot is going on here, so I am now invoking what I will refer to from here on out as the ‘MVP Rule’, which is, if a match is really starting to suck to the point where nothing new or interesting is happening for several minutes at a time (see the DiBiase/MVP match from a couple weeks ago for an example), I’m just going to stop recapping the match entirely and just tell you how it ends. Therefore…
JTG goes for his neckbreaker thingy, but Shad holds on to the top rope, then nails JTG with the STO for the win.
Winner: “Monster of the Week” Shad Gaspard
Final Thoughts:
Two invocations of the MVP Rule in one show… that’s not good. But, to be fair, the Colon brothers match wasn’t really important. Just the finish. They could have pulled a 5-star out of their collective ass, and it still would have been overshadowed by their reunion at the end.
As for Rosa, I have to ask the stupid question – What the hell was so wrong with Rosa being Z-Ryde’s valet? Seriously. You take a girl who’s actually GOOD at her role at ringside, tear her from the only thing in this company that’s made her worth watching since she debuted two years ago, and decide she needs to be a wrestler now?! And then, in her major in-ring debut, she blows a routine spot and injures your Women’s Champion on National TV. I can’t begin to fathom the sheer STUPIDITY behind this move. WWE has seen her wrestle, both in Developmental, and on RAW. They know she sucks. That’s why they put her with Zack Ryder in the first place! Did someone forget in the past year she was on ECW that she sucked in the ring? And how in the hell do you forget something like that?!
Yes, I know that people can improve in a year. I also know that, when you DO allegedly improve in said year, you’ve done so by ACTUALLY WRESTLING IN A WRESTLING RING, which Rosa’s not done all that much of in the past year. She’s spent the past year being the Z-Ryde’s Main Girl, and doing a hell of a job at it! Just last week, I put her over in my Final Thoughts section, saying that she understood her role and that she was excelling at it. And in ONE WEEK, in ONE MATCH, WWE kills that whole thing. It’s just mind-boggling, the level of insanity involved here.
Moving on… Shad and JTG actually did try to have a good match. They failed, but the effort was there, at least. As it appears that I’m going to be stuck with this feud on this show for a while, I guess I’m just going to have to appreciate the effort, and hope Shad gets a personality soon, because this whole “Monster of the Week” thing they’re doing with him now just isn’t going to help matters. It didn’t work for Snitsky, or Heidenreich, or Mike Knox, or the 20-or-so other guys WWE’s pushed this way since the Reign of Laurenitis began almost 8 years ago, and I still don’t get why WWE thinks it’ll work this time for Shad.
But hey… maybe we get lucky, and JTG ends up being a great ring talent after all.
That’s it for me. I’m actually moving over the next couple of weeks, so I may or may not be here to do the Superstars Review. If not, you’ll get someone cool on the reigns to take over while I’m gone. But, in the meantime, I’m still connected, as they say, to the interwebz, so if you got something to say, hit me up on the WWI Message Boards (I’m TheMaverickMJ) or e-mail me at TheMaverickMJ@gmail.com. And I guess I’ll see y’all when I see y’all.