WWE SuperStars SuperReview: Sexual Chocolate vs. Diet Carlito, Jill vs. Gail, Tiffany vs. Michelle, and Christian vs. Chavo

WWE SuperStars SuperReview: Sexual Chocolate vs. Diet Carlito, Jill vs. Gail, Tiffany vs. Michelle, and Christian vs. Chavo

This Week’s SuperStars Super Review is brought to you in stereo (where available) courtesy of Saturday Night’s Main Event.

Hello and welcome once again to your Superstars SuperReview. Bringing you the blow by blow is the Lord of the Insanity Universe, Mike Johns, who, like most of the known WWE Universe, doesn’t get WGN, and is therefore forced to sit around and wait for WWE to upload their shows to Hulu before he can write up his smart-ass review for this very website. But you already knew that, right? Okay. Moving on…

What You Missed Last Week: Cody Rhodes proves that a match consisting of mostly punches can, in fact, be decent; Yoshi Tatsu goes over the Diet Carlito, Primo Colon; and Evan Bourne, in the Main Event, drops the ball to the Z-Ryde. Then goes on to a wicked awesome showing on RAW, teaming with Hulk Ho… I mean, John Cena. Not sure what that means, as, usually, the guy getting the push gets the proverbial ‘W’ on this show, but, hey, whatever. Evan Bourne goes over in a Main Event on a show that actually matters. Yay us!

So, on with the actual show, which starts off with… god damn it…

Mark Henry vs. Primo Colon

Henry, FINALLY out of that damn Kool-Aid Man tights (tip for wrestlers out there: if you are a large man – 300 lbs. or more – DO NOT use a bright red singlet as your ring gear. Black is your friend, trust me) makes his way to the ring as Cole point out that Henry wearing the black tights is actually an attempt to kiss the University of Texas crowd’s ass. So, apparently it’s NOT an attempt to avoid looking like the Kool-Aid Man in public…

It also now appears that Diet Carlito is going to be the new Carlito now, so, I ask you, the reader, which name do you think is better for Primo – Diet Carly, or the ‘New’ Carly? Personally, I prefer Diet Carly, but I do wonder if this name will make sense once we get over our Carlito withdrawal, and forget about him entirely.

Or, worse yet, he shows up in TNA…

So, on with the match. Diet Carly starts off by doing cartwheels and sh*t, and Henry just shoulder blocks him a couple times until Primo rolls to the ropes and the ref has to call Marky off. Primo dropkicks the knee, then follows up with a series of kicks to the leg, just for Henry to shove him off, bodyslam him, then stand there for a year before deciding that he was going to try and sit on Primo’s face. Fortunately, Primo moves out of the way and capitalizes once Henry falls on his ass (literally) with a dropkick to the face for 2. More kicks by Primo, which have no effect, then into a front facelock, and Henry powers out with a flapjack. Primo, back to attacking the knee, and these dumbsh*t fans are actually chanting for Mark Henry. Primo to the middle for an aerial move, which Henry blocks with… um… his chest, I guess. Mark Henry then performs the only three or four moves he ever seems to do, headbutting, clotheselining, and bodyslamming Primo. Primo goes for a springboard crossbody, and Henry catches him. World’s Strongest Slam makes Diet Carly go splat for the 3.

Winner: Mark Henry

So, when we come back from commercial, we see that Mark Henry has already showered and changed clothes (ah, the power of editing), and is now introducing us to his NXT Rookie for Season 2 – Lucky Cannon. Not so much, if you ask me. After all, you’re stuck with MARK HENRY as your mentor. You’d learn more about wrestling from Paris Hilton, to tell you the truth!

Gail Kim vs. Jillian Hall

One of TWO Divas Matches scheduled for tonight, and, no, Jillian’s not singing. Last time these two faced off on this show (About a month ago, actually), Jill ate Defeat. How will she fare this time?

They tie up to start, will Jill on the early advantage. Tide turns when Kim rolls her up in an impressive show of agility, rolling up the turnbuckle before rolling back down with Jill into the actual pin. Jill pulls some hair for a 2, and Kim comes back with a victory roll for 2. A series of attacks by Kim, followed up with a monkey flip and a dropkick that dumps Jill to the floor. Gail slingshots through the ropes and catches Jill with a rana to the floor. Jill pushes Gail face-first into the ring apron and rolls into the ring as Gail gets in danger of being counted out. Gail rolls back in, but Jill on the attack, getting another nearfall. Jill again on the hair, then throwing Gail into the turnbuckle for 2. Chin lock by Jill. Gail fights out. Gail goes for another bodyscissors rollup, but Jill reverses into an inverted powerbomb for 2. Jill cover again, and Kim kicks out, again. Jill goes for the handspring elbow, Gail moves and catches Jill with a rana, but Jill yanks the hair AGAIN. Jill misses her flipping elbow, allowing Gail to ram her in the corner. Gail goes up the buckle, but Jill catches her with a superplex for 2. Jill argues with the ref, then goes for a backslide, which ends badly, as Gail once again makes Jill Eat Defeat.

Winner: Gail Kim

This match is, sadly enough, the best this women’s division is currently capable of. I say ‘sadly’ because, one, Beth Phoenix is out hurt now and can’t give us anything better, and, two, once you’ve seen matches like the one Wesna Busic and Cheerleader Melissa had on SHIMMER, Volume 23 (check out James Bullock’s excellent review of the show HERE ), it’s hard to look at matches like this and say, with any sort of seriousness whatsoever, that WWE’s women’s division is, by any stretch of the imagination, ‘good’.

But, to be fair, once again, this is the best you’re probably going to see out of the WWE Divas, at least until Beth comes back, or they finally realize that both Natalya and Serena Deeb can actually wrestle. Whichever comes first.

Oh, and it’s all downhill from here, as Michelle McCool takes on, get this… TIFFANY. Yeah. They have Serena Deeb under contract. They have Nattie Neidhart. Hell, Eve even manages to almost deserve the spot she has right now as Divas’ Champ. So who does Skeletor wrestle? TIFFANY.

So the Z-Ryde’s a pro on NXT Season 2. Sweet deal. And who was lucky enough to get the Long Island Iced Z as his mentor this season? Titus O’Neil, who, in his video package, comes off as a cross between Monty Brown and David Otunga. In other words, he’s a whole lot of personality, a decent enough body, and not much else. So, of course, he’s got to be mentored by one of my guys. I say ‘my guys’ because this is pretty much the show Z-Ryde hangs on. Him, Primo, Chavo, Gail Kim, Chris Masters… people WWE can’t do much else with at the moment, and, of course, Team LayCool, because I think WWE actually reads this, and does it to screw with me.

Can you tell that I’m just trying to avoid the McCool/Tiffany match? Yeah, and Kelly Kelly actually helps with that, as WWE shows off a hype video of the Kellster, which goes to show that just about anyone can be made to look like a million bucks in the ring with the right editing team.

So, here we go, the moment I’ve been dreading…

Michelle McCool vs. Tiffany

I just realized that I’m only halfway through this show, too. Yikes. This match might actually go a while…

Hearing Tiff’s theme song, I get the impression that WWE likes to have their women go out and basically all but say, “I like f*cking” on National TV. Tiff doesn’t help matters as, once on the ring apron, she manages to make her one foot touch the back of her head in a position I’ve only seen in porn and MsChif matches. And, while I don’t generally have a problem with this on it’s own, I do have my issues with it being on a show that’s marketed to kids, as well as it’s juxtaposition to something resembling a women’s sport. That, and, seriously… if that’s all you’re going to have your character based on, the least you could do is TRY to get the Bikini Kill song. Sure, Kathleen Hannah will f*cking kill you for even thinking of using it, especially for someone like Tiffany, but that song is a HELL of a lot better than this crap…

Surprisingly enough, the match actually starts off… pretty good. I know. I’m shocked, too. They’re actually wrestling, with Tiff actually looking, well, competent. McCool, who seems to be something of an MMA fan (or, is at least connected to one), lets that show as she takes the early advantage on the mat. Once the wrestling clinic ends, Skeletor grabs some hair and tosses Tiff to the floor. McCool rams Tiff with a knee to the head on the outside, then slides back into the ring as the ref starts the 10 count. Tiff rolls back in at 9, and Michelle pounces. The ref actually has to pull her off as Tiff tries to get to her feet. Michelle DOMINATES with knees to the back, and the match really starts to tank in the quality department the moment Tiff makes the comeback, responding with an inverted atomic drop that doesn’t look like it actually connected AT ALL, a monkey flip and MORE HAIR PULLING for 2. Tiff goes for a sunset flip, but Skeletor reverses into a poorly executed Styles Clash that probably should have injured Tiffany for the win. Oh, it’s called the ‘Faith Breaker’ in this company? Whatever.

To the back, and Chavo, hanging out with Aunt Vickie, who talks up Chavo’s match with Christian tonight, pretty much guaranteeing some decent wrestling on this show after all. Then, in comes Vickie’s boy toy Dolph Ziggler. Amazing how quickly she can go from adult voice to little girl with a crush voice in nanoseconds. And dear GOD do they slam you over the head with Vickie’s crush on the Dolph. Thankfully, Chavo pops into the shot afterwards with a disapproving look that mirrors what most of us have to be thinking after seeing this.

And, one of the thousand reasons why I don’t believe in a God come up following the commercial break, as we all have to be reminded of the WWE’s latest middle finger to the hardcore wrestling fanbase rears its ugly head. You thought Bryan Danielson got screwed on NXT? That’s not nearly as bad as Low-Ki getting stuck with Team LayCool as his pros for Season 2. And, just for the record, considering just how many finishing moves McCool has blatantly stolen over the years from TNA performers (Daniels’ Angels Wings and the Styles Clash, just to name a few), as well as, for a time, copying just about every mannerism AJ Styles ever had, I find it VERY HARD TO BELIEVE she and Layla don’t know much about Kaval. Hell, I’m equally as amazed that McCool hasn’t tried to steal the Ki Crusher already. Guess that screwed-up Styles Clash hasn’t hurt anybody bad enough yet…

Kofi then introduces us to his NXT Bitch, Mr. Perfect’s kid – Michael McGuillicutty. Yeah. Curt HENNIG’s kid, and his name is Michael McGillicutty. Seems like they don’t want this kid to win this thing, eh?

Striker and The Grish then lead us into our NXT recap. Let me save you some time - Wade Barrett won, David Otunga proves that he can’t even run a mic without someone holding his hand (which, considering that his so-called ‘personality’ was his strong-suit, pretty much makes Otunga completely worthless, now doesn’t it?), and Skip Sheffield doesn’t care.

MAIN EVENT TIME!!!
Christian (Cage) vs. Chavo Guerrero

Striker and the Grish give us the rundown of Christian and Hornswoggle vs. Chavo and Dolph from Smackdown last week. Christian won, but Zig puts him to sleep anyway. So, we have this match tonight.

Christian takes the early advantage as the start off with a fast-paced exchange of offense. Chavo then takes over with some kicks. Back body drop and a middle rope dropkick by Christian for a nearfall, as someone on WWE TV actually acknowledges Kerwin White and his former caddy, Nick, who now calls himself Dolph Ziggler. Matt Striker, ladies and gentlemen, establishing continuity within WWE. Thank you, Matt!

Christian tosses Chavo to the outside, then slingshots onto Chavo on the outside. Then, the screeching sound of Vickie Guerrero pierces your ears, interrupting the match and adding Dolph Ziggler to the mix.

Your NEW Main Event:
Christian (Cage) vs. Chavo Guerrero & Dolph Ziggler

We go to commercial, and MVP introduces us to his NXT Rookie – Percy Watson, who just happens to have every gay stereotype you can imagine. Meanwhile, his pro, MVP, is a guy who is so lackluster in the ring that I’ve actually have a ‘Get Out Of Reviewing A Bad Match Free’ card named after him. Guess who ELSE isn’t supposed to win NXT this season…

So, back from the commercial, and our new main event handicap match. Chavo and Ziggler dominate on Christian, trading quick tags, kicking and choking at Christian. Flipping neck whip by Zig for 2, then works the arm. Christian tries to fight back, but gets slingshot into the turnbuckle for 2. Tag to Chavo, who beats up on Christian. Dropkick by Chavo for 2. Chavo drives Christian in the corner, and Zig chokes Christian as the ref admonishes Chavo. Another tag, and Dolph takes over. Fulcrum Prison Blues by Christian to start the comeback. Flapjack, then a flying sunset flip for 2. Christian chokes Dolph on the ropes, then hotshots Zig before climbing the ropes for a crossbody. Christian misses, and Chavo tags, hitting the Hilo. Chavo gets 2 of 3 Amigos before Christian reverses into an inverted DDT, then dropkicks Dolph off the apron. Flying euro uppercut by Christian. Christian goes for the Killswitch, but Chavo reverses into a brainbuster. Chavo misses a frog splash as Ziggler tags. Christian with the killswitch on Chavo, and Dolph nails the Zig Zag on Christian for the win.

Winners: Chavo Guerrero & Dolph Ziggler

Final Thoughts:
I’m fully aware that this review came off mostly as an “I Hate Michelle McCool” tirade, and there’s reasons for that. Most of which, I’ll address here shortly, but first, the main event. For what it was, it was good. It was more storyline than anything else, with the inclusion of Ziggler at the last minute as Chavo’s partner in the handicap match. Christian continues to prove his worth as a babyface despite it, though, as I was very close to invoking the MVP Rule (used when a match gets so bad that it’s no longer worth reviewing, and I just give you the finish) once I learned this would be a handicap match. Chrisitan, though, was able to keep me engaged, and did have me believing for a moment that he might actually beat the cliché and pick up the win here. He didn’t, nor should he have really been expected to. Once again, as this was booked purely for storyline purposes, the intent of this match isn’t to give you a good match now, but to try to get you to buy a PPV match later featuring Christian vs. Chavo, Ziggler, or both. This, of course, is booking done with the intent of actually trying to sell a product. It may not be something you’d actually buy, but there’s still an effort on WWE’s part to sell it, which they deserve credit for.

And now, we address the elephant in the room – My issue with Michelle McCool. I stated in an early Maverick Radio that my feelings on McCool change from day to day, sometimes. In all honesty, in-ring, she’s made to look far better than she actually is, because she (and the people putting her matches together for her) are smart enough to work with her strengths, and stick to, you know, ACTUAL WRESTLING, and, she only wrestles about half as much on TV as virtually any other woman on the roster, including Gail Kim, who many feel is criminally underused in WWE (myself included). With that said, her in-ring acumen comes into question, at least in my mind, because there’s no telling how well she’d do outside of the guiding hands of WWE, and, specifically, Fit Finlay, who’s generally the man responsible for taking the majority of the Divas and making them seem almost competent in the ring half the time. As a babyface, McCool was an utter failure, unable to garner the slightest of positive response from fans, so much so that she was turned heel more or less as a last-ditch effort to keep her relevant and on TV, because she is, after all, one of the better wrestlers among the Diva Search lot. And, while the heel turn has been far more successful, especially as of late with the addition of Layla as her sidekick, it’s also come at the expense of other, far more popular, far more respected, and far more credible performers in Mickie James and Beth Phoenix.

My problem with Michelle isn’t necessarily her ring work. She is competent enough. But, once again, she’s seriously over-protected compared to other girls at her level, such as Eve and Maryse, who both have about the same number of positives when it comes to their roles in WWE. Eve works hard, actually wants to be a wrestler, and isn’t afraid to take a hit or a bump. In time, Eve could very well be on the same level as Gail, Natalya, and Serena, at least in-ring. Maryse, on the other hand, excels in the psychology department, understanding and performing her heel role to near perfection. She can’t wrestle worth a sh*t, but she doesn’t really need to. She’s a heel whose entire world is being prettier than everyone else. Wrestlers should kick the sh*t out of her, and people are willing to pay to see just that. Michelle, on the other hand, is sold to us as both – the wrestler whose entire world is being prettier than everyone else. In theory, Michelle is actually Maryse done right, with a wrestler who can actually take the physical abuse of the ass-kicking they’d receive from more popular performers. The problem is, that just isn’t true. Michelle isn’t the wrestler she’s made out to be. She only works on TV about half as often as anyone else, usually with Layla taking most of the ring time in order to build heat for Michelle. Fortunately, WWE is becoming aware of this, and seems to be using Layla’s title win and the co-champions angle as an eventual wedge between the two. How long they’ll go before pulling the trigger on it? Who knows? Without someone else on SmackDown to carry the worker’s end of a feud with Layla and/or Michelle for the Women’s title outside of one another, it could be a lot sooner than we think.

Ultimately, my problem with McCool is the hype vs. the protection. If she was worth the hype, she wouldn’t need the protection, even from a storyline perspective, and Layla wouldn’t be doing most of the gruntwork in the ring for Michelle to maintain her heat. The storyline can and probably will work, should they run with a LayCool split, but then what? Does WWE finally expose Michelle, showing us she’s not the worker we were made to believe she was? Or do they find yet another way to protect Michelle in ring, likely at the expense of someone else who actually has the substance WWE wishes McCool had? That, in a nutshell, is my problem with Michelle McCool.

That’s it for this week. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you guys again next week for more Superstars!