C-Show Showdown WWE SuperStars SuperReview: Vance and Curt Squash, JTG vs. Chavo, Y2J vs. Yoshi, and The Bellas For Some Reason
By Mike Johns
Jul 19, 2010 - 5:13 PM
Okay, so you know who I am by now. Mike Johns, Lord of the Insanity Universe, Angry Reviewer, yadda, yadda, yadda. Once again, I’m watching this show on YouTube this week, and somebody must have screwed up the sound something fierce, because I’m only getting audio out of the left speaker for some reason. And, once again, no pop-out player. But, because someone at WWE HQ forgot to upload Superstars to Hulu this week, I’m, once again, stuck with the crappy YouTube version. Bleh!
This week, the info bar is promising Yoshi Tatsu vs. Chris Jericho, which basically means that someone vaguely important to WWE who isn’t LayCool will FINALLY be on this show. Does this mean that something will actually happen on this show this week? Maybe, and maybe Stewie Griffin is the new Raw General Manager, but Seth McFarland isn’t much a wrestling fan, so I wouldn’t count on it.
What You Missed Last Week: LayCool beat Kelly and Tiffany for the 407th time this year (so far) in tag team action, Gail Kim picks up her 724th win over Jillian Hall this year (thanks to some help from the Bella Twins, who were the special guest referees for some reason) in a mixed tag featuring Primo and Yoshi Tatsu (also, there for some reason), Zack Ryder picks up his 1053rd consecutive win over Goldust since Z-Ryde’s solo debut last year, and Chris Masters gets beat up by the Dudebusters, because someone in WWE heard that I was a Motor City Machine Guns fan, and the Dudes were the closest they could get on such short notice.
So, who do we get to start off yet another exciting episode of WWE Superstars? Could it be the reigning tag champs, the Hart Dynasty? Perhaps the US Champion, The Miz? Maybe we’ll be really lucky, and Randy Orton will show up and RKO Michael Cole for no good reason! Or, are we going to be stuck with a pointless match between, I don’t know… JTG and Chavo Guerrero, for some reason.
JTG vs. Chavo Guerrero
YOU’VE GOT TO BE F*CKING KIDDING ME!!!
So, here we go, Chavo and JTG. They trade go-behinds a bit, before hitting the mat, trading headlocks and hammerlocks. We’re hitting the 2-minute mark in this match before we finally get away from the headlock. Meanwhile Striker and The Grish are talking about…
A) Chavo Guerrero disapproving of his Aunt Vickie’s crush on Dolph Ziggler
B) JTG’s solo ‘success’
C) The Nexus
D) The Money In the Bank PPV
If you said C, you’d be wrong, for once. They’re actually pimping the Pay Per View, but I certainly can’t blame you for picking C.
So, while I just wasted your time with this, Chavo took the advantage and hit a hilo on JTG. Chavo then follows up with a keylock, and JTG fights back to his feet. JTG starts the comeback with a running elbow and a back body drop, then a flipping lariat for 2. JTG tries a new move for 2, looks like a backbreaker variant. Chavo takes back over in the corner. JTG gets a clothesline and goes for a mug shot, but Chavo lifts JTG into the turnbuckle. Chavo with the frogsplash for the win.
Winner: Chavo Guerrero (as if it mattered)
Vance Archer & Curt Hawkins vs. Jamin Canceco & Matt Cross
Now, normally, I’d just invoke the MVP rule here, and not even bother with the local boys’ names, except the one guy here is frigging “M-DOGG 20” MATT CROSS!!! Don’t know who Matt Cross is? He’s something a local Indy wrestling hero here in the NEO (Northeast Ohio, for the n00bs). You know, unlike the Miz, who we wish would STOP telling people he’s from the NEO. Here’s the Wiki for some more info on the M-Dogg - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M-Dogg_20
Oh, and Matt Striker, once again, shows his awesomeness by mentioning the M-Dogg 20 name on WWE TV.
Unfortunately, this is still a local boy squash match. Hope you enjoyed the TV time and the paycheck, Matt, because there’s not going to be much of this match worth mentioning…
Hawkins wrestles Canceco to the mat, then beats on him in the corner before catching him with a bodyslam. Tag to Vance, who kicks Jamin in the head after Curt trips him up. Archer beats on Jamin for a while. Tag to M-Dogg, who gets punched in the face by Archer and knocked to the floor. Archer nails a border toss on M-Dogg. M-Dogg with a quick roll-up for 2, just to get clothelined into next year by Archer. Tag to Hawkins, and they nail their Perfect Storm (Archer with the snap, inverted DDT, followed by Hawkins off the top with an elbow smash) for the win.
Winners: Archer & Hawkins
Next up is the NXT recap, and, apparently, Percy Watson grew some balls, because he and the NXT boys try to step to MVP. So then the pros step up to back MVP up. Matt Striker then books the pros vs. the rookies in a battle royal (oh, you mean like I did in the Insanity Universe, two weeks ago?). But, not content to just disrupt Raw, the Nexus decide they’re going to get involved, too, and beat everyone up. You know, like they have every week for the past month and a half now.
Hey, look! It’s Alberto Del Rio, yet another guy they hype on this show who will NEVER be on it! Thanks for wasting my time, WWE! Next, you’ll be giving me yet another pointless match between Jillian Hall and the Bella Twins…
Maryse & Jillian Hall vs. The Bella Twins
GODDAMN IT!!!! WHY WWE, WHY?!
So, Jillian decides to sing “I Can Do Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better”, for some reason. I have no idea HOW, considering that Maryse looks NOTHING like Jillian, AT ALL. I mean, I know all the Barbie Girls in the WWE are supposed to be interchangeable archetypes and all, but even Dixie Carter isn’t dumb enough to fall for a Maryse/Jillian switch! Seriously!
I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, Jillian actually tries the Switch after Maryse gets knocked out with a Double Bella Bulldog, and the referee, NOT being a complete moron, doesn’t fall for it. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, Bellas go for the switch and get the win.
Oh, and if you think I’m being unfair to this match, keep in mind, all Cole and King talked about during it was just how often Ted DiBiase and Maryse have sex. So, obviously, we’d all rather see the DiBiase/Maryse sex tape than this feud. Yet, it continues. Hooray?
Winners: The Bellas
MAIN EVENT TIME!!!
Chris Jericho vs. Yoshi Tatsu
You know, under the right circumstances, I’d be really excited about this match. A guy of Yoshi’s talent, going up against one of the best WWE has to offer, a former World Champion, Tag Champion, Intercontinental Champion. In theory, Yoshi Tatsu, even in defeat, should be able to walk away from this match with a higher stock value than he did walking in. After all, you would think that’d be the purpose of booking a match like this, to increase Tatsu’s value in the eyes of fans, even though he will more than likely go down in defeat, right?
Jericho takes the early advantage with a snapmare and a kick to the back. Tatsu responds with some chops. Jericho to the outside, Yoshi nails him with a baseball slide dropkick.
Oh, and to prove the point I’ll make here after this match ends, the crowd is chanting “Y2J”. Jericho, the HEEL, is getting cheered here. We’ll get to why once the match is over.
Yoshi goes to the top, but Jericho catches him and throws him to the outside as we go to commercial.
Back from commercial, Tatsu is chopping at Jericho, and Jericho kicks him back down. Jericho follows up with a dropkick to the back of Yoshi’s head. Now, because Jericho actually has to remind this crowd to boo him, he tosses Yoshi to the floor while he poses and taunts the crowd. WWE takes this moment to edit in some kids giving Jericho the proper response, despite the fact the audio reflects a more ‘mixed’ reaction (i.e. people not giving a sh*t). The referee checks on Yoshi for a while as Jericho milks the time for even more heat, grabbing a chair and sitting to a chorus of boos (finally!) as Cole and the King go over a replay of a knee drop they’re claiming caused an orbital bone injury to Yoshi Tatsu. Apparently, Jericho’s got the right heat now, because they FINALLY let Jericho move the match along, rolling Yoshi back in the ring. Yoshi starts his comeback with kicks and chops. Yoshi goes for his combo rush, but Jericho kicks Yoshi in the face, then wears him down with…
A) A Japanese Stranglehold
B) A Guillotine Choke
C) A Triangle Choke
D) Another F*cking Chinlock
If you picked D, then you’ve been reading this review for a while, haven’t you? Good boy! Now go get yourself a treat while I watch the rest of this match, okay?
Jericho goes for a lionsault, but lands on his feet as Yoshi moves out of the way. Yoshi then begins his comeback again, with a spinning heel kick for 2. Double underhook backbreaker by Jericho for 2. Yoshi nails his Rush Combo, followed by a shining wizard for 2. Jericho for a clothesline for 2. Yoshi with another series of kicks, taking Jericho down. Yoshi goes for his top rope spinkick, but misses, and Jericho locks him the Walls of Jericho for the win.
Winner: Chris Jericho
Final Thoughts:
So, Jericho vs. Tatsu, a match I’d actually like to see, being given away on free TV for no reason because, well… Yoshi Tatsu doesn’t matter in this company. WWE will sign him, use him to cut promos for their syndicated shows in Japan, and then constantly put him in meaningless matches on a show that doesn’t matter. Some people would say this is a good use of Vince McMahon’s money. I’d say these people are f*cking morons. Why? Because why in the hell are you using valuable TV time to do nothing worthwhile with someone? Why are you using a guy under contract to serve solely as a jobber to your ‘name’ guys? Someone you’re obviously investing money into, at least enough so to have under contract and put on TV on a weekly basis, and you’re just going to use him as cannon fodder? Seriously, this is why you have guys like Jamin Canseco and Matt Cross on your shows. You know, local nobodies who you don’t see enough in to sign, who’re willing to take a quick payday to put over your “superstars” on TV. Fans know Yoshi Tatsu means nothing, and I have to believe that having him under contract, simply because of his race and national origin, just to be used to appeal to that market, is an insult to that market. I mean, at least the Great Khali has been used in major storylines, booked in Main Events, pitted against some of the top stars in WWE. Yoshi Tatsu? This is his biggest match to date, and it meant NOTHING. Nothing to him, nothing to his fans in Japan, nothing to the rest of the WWE Universe, and nothing to Chris Jericho. How does it help Jericho, at this point in his career, to beat Yoshi Tatsu? What does it accomplish? Nothing. So why does it happen?
“Because we have an hour of TV time on WGN once a week in Prime Time, and we got to put something on it!”
And that is my problem, it a nutshell. I would have honestly loved to see this match under the right circumstances, but, f*cking hell, you can’t just expect your fans to be happy just because Guy X is wrestling Guy Y. If there isn’t a reason for it, if there isn’t a purpose in it, why should we care? That’s all I want, WWE – a reason to care about this f*cking show, because right now, I don’t. This review has degenerated into me finding new ways to entertain myself while watching this show, in case you haven’t noticed. Many times, I’m not even talking about the show, or the match, or anything relevant to the show because, strangely enough, neither do you, and it’s YOUR SHOW!!! I mean, hell, if even YOU, producing this crap, would rather watch something else, then how the f*ck do you think WE feel watching this at home? Seriously, it’s not that f*cking hard! If YOU can’t even manage to care enough about Yoshi Tatsu to treat a matchup like this with the buildup it deserves, why the hell should we? Because, maybe you didn’t notice this, but I sure as hell did – people were CHEERING THE HEEL for the first half of this match. Why? Nobody buys into Yoshi, because you’ve given us NO REASON to buy into Yoshi Tatsu. Jericho basically had to spend two minutes of this match reminding the crowd that he was the bad guy, just so the match could go forward, and this doesn’t say to ANYONE booking this TV show that SOMETHING is fundamentally wrong with it?
I’m not saying Yoshi should be a Main Eventer, or even a midcarder on the shows that matter. All I want, when you give me a match like this, is a reason to f*cking CARE, and, believe it or not, constantly having Yoshi wrestle the same four people in the same four match-ups over and over and over and over again on a show that goes nowhere each and every week is NOT helping your audience care about him, or Zack Ryder, or Gail Kim, or Jillian Hall, or JTG, or Primo, or the Bellas, or Goldust or Chavo Guerrero, or Luke Gallows, or Chris Masters, or anyone else you don’t really know what to do with in WWE right now!
It’s like the song in this week’s intro – “Give me a reason to care, I’ll sing along forever.” That’s all we want, WWE. Please, give us a reason to f*cking CARE about the people you put on this show week after week after week after week!
*****
Mike Johns, imbued with special, shameless self-promotional powers the likes of which haven't been seen since the height of DX's self-fellatious babyface run in 2006, is a contributor to WorldWrestlingInsanity.com, as well as ClubWWI.com. He also produces and records original music under the name 'SaviorSelf.07.05.98' as well as remixes and mash-ups of far more popular songs under the name 'TMJ'.
You can contact Mike via e-mail at TheMaverickMJ@yahoo.com