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WWE SuperStars SuperReview: The Master VPs vs. The Dudebuster, Harts vs. Usos, Primo vs. Tatsu, and Chavo vs. JTG...Again
This week's SuperStars Super Review is brought to you by the Awesomeness that is Sara Del Rey.
Hello and welcome to yet another SuperStars Super Review. Mike Johns, here, giving you the blow by blow, and trying not to lose my ever-loving mind as this show continues to simply bore the living hell out of me! Will something of note happen this week? Will the Nexus show up? Will Alberto Del Rio do more than appear in a vignette that was already on SmackDown the week before? Will Jillian finally end this tragic feud with the Bellas by “accidentally” mutilating one of them so they can’t pull the switch anymore? Will Zack Ryder finally prove himself to management so he can get off this god-forsaken show and get the push his talent so rightfully deserves? Oh, who are we kidding? This show’s like the liberal response to John McCain in 2008 – “More of the Same.” And, by the way, if you’re wondering why I put in an outdated political reference here, let’s just say that I wanted to get one out of the way before Michael Cole goes bringing up Robert Gibbs and Ari Fleischer again. What You Missed Last Week: Chavo beat JTG for some reason, Archer & Hawkins went over M-Dogg 20 and some gay named Jamin, Jillian Hall tried to pull The Switch on the Bellas (and failed), and Chris Jericho defeated Yoshi Tatsu in a match that served no real purpose whatsoever. This week, I’m watching on Hulu, and they don’t give you a show preview in a crotch bar. No, they just have a pop out player, better quality of video and sound, and an all-around more convenient viewing experience. YouTube, consistency is your friend. Try it. And our show starts off with MVP & Chris Masters w/ Percy Watson vs. The Dudebusters So this is the part of NXT Season 2 where the Rookies start showing up on Superstars, apparently. Good thing Titus O’Neil already got kicked off, then, as we’re more than likely going to see the Z-Ryde later tonight. MVP and Trent start out. MVP with a flying forearm for 2. Tag to Masters, who works Trent’s arm. Back body drop by Masters for 2. Trent tags Caylen, who chopblocks Masters to take over, working the leg. Tag back to Trent, who continues to work the leg. The Dudes with quick tags, working the leg of Masters for the next 7 years, while Striker and the Grish talk up Kane and his Money in the Bank win. Masters finally manages to make the HOT TAG to MVP, who cleans house. Flapjack, knee facebuster, then the Ballin Elbow for 2. Masters tosses Trent out with a Masterlock throw as MVP hits the Paydirt on Caylen for the win. Yeah, they called it the Play of the Day, but if I put that down, you guys would have thought I was using the name Elix Skipper used for MVP’s old finisher (the Playmaker/Overdrive). So I put down “Paydirt”. See? I really do try to help you guys. Winner: MVP & Chris Masters So, we go to a recap of John Morrison’s Muscle & Fitness Magazine shoot. Pretty much the same stuff you get every time a Diva does Maxim or something, really. Plus, a short cameo from The Rock. JTG vs. Chavo Guerrero, AGAIN. Usually, we get a couple weeks in-between rematches here on Superstars, but, no, not this time. No, because I just LOVED this match so much LAST WEEK. Screw it. MVP Rule. I don’t f*cking care. You saw this match JUST LAST WEEK. You know what’s amazing? 99.9% of the time, commentators on this show talk about anything BUT the match going on in the ring, but, for whatever reason, they always manage to talk about Chavo Guerrero during his matches. They’re also trying to sell you on JTG being “on a roll” before Chavo beat him last week. Really? On a roll, you say? So, from this, I’m to gather that ONE WIN a few weeks ago on Superstars, followed by weeks and weeks of virtual non-use before and after said win constitutes a “roll” in WWE. Okay… I’ll “roll” with it. By the way, Chavo beat JTG with a brainbuster followed by a frogsplash in a virtual clone of last week’s match, which meant nothing. Winner: Chavo Guerrero (and it somehow means even less than it did last week) And, because we just haven’t seen enough of THIS MATCH in the last 4 months, we get it ONCE AGAIN. Ladies and Gentlemen, once again, it’s Yoshi Tatsu vs. Primo Colon. Hey, did you know WWE has over 100,000 hours of content in its video library? How many hours of that is boring, inane, repetitive crap like WWE Superstars on WGN and WCW Saturday Morning? Because, really, once you get rid of the C-shows, and just stick to the shows that actually matter, that number’s got to be closer to about 60,000, right? And now, to fill time, we get a recap video of the entire Nexus Saga to date. Seems even WWE is tired of watching Yoshi Tatsu vs. Primo week after week after week after week. Yoshi Tatsu vs. Primo Colon How much do I not care about this? Let me count the ways… Hey, did you know that TNA is now doing an ECW: One Night Stand PPV, just like WWE did five years ago? Yep. Tommy Dreamer came on Impact, cried like a baby, gave Dixie Carter the metaphorical blow job on national TV, all before Dixie gave Tommy and the ECW Guys full run of the Hard Justice PPV in August. So, now, we get to look forward to Jerry Lynn vs. RVD for the TNA Title. In 2010. Yay? Oh, there’s a match? Sh*t, I flat out forgot! I guess I should talk about it, since I’m reviewing it and all… Yoshi nails his shining wizard in the midst of his comeback. Yoshi sets Primo on the top rope and chops him a bit before attempting a huracanrana. Primo hangs him to dry on the top turnbuckle, then nails the Backstabber for the win. Winner: Primo Colon Now we get the Raw Recap, which introduces the Resistance who will fight the Nexus at SummerSlam – John Cena ,Edge, Chris Jericho, John Morrison, R-Truth, The Great Khali, and Bret Hart. We follow that with a SummerSlam moment from 1998 – Undertaker vs. Steve Austin. Weird that WWE is bringing this match up as, at the time, it was a dud. Seriously. Taker and Austin went in and had a babyface match, and the NYC crowd took a giant sh*t on it because they didn’t want to see Austin and Taker play nice, the wanted to see them tear each other apart. So, after that, Taker reunites with Kane, turns heel, and forms the Ministry, all while Austin deals with McMahon, the Corporation, and the Rock. It would be nearly a year before they went back to Austin/Taker, and by then, with Taker as a heel and aligned with McMahon as part of the merged Corporate Ministry, you could finally have the match WWE wanted the SummerSlam one to be. So, they usually stuff the SummerSlam match under the rug and talk up other encounters between Austin and Undertaker, which makes this, well… weird. MAIN EVENT TIME!!! The Hart Dynasty vs. The Uso Brothers w/Tamina We’re getting a PPV rematch on SUPERSTARS?! Wow. I’m actually… impressed. Didn’t think you guys would go for it. Too bad this is likely to pop a rating, or shut a critic like me up, rather than a serious attempt to make this show matter, but hey… it’s SOMETHING. Smith starts with Jey Uso, and, strangely enough, Jerry Lawler makes it a point to make sure Michael Cole tells us which Uso is in the ring first, and how we can tell them apart (Jey wears the shorter trunks). I bring this up because, the last time the Usos were on the show, they went a good 8 minutes (plus commercial break) into the match before they even began to talk about the Usos, making it a bit difficult for people who’ve never seen them before to know which Uso was which. I know I had a mini-spasm over it here in the SuperStars review, and I wasn’t the only one, so… I don’t know. Maybe McMahon bitched them out over it or something. Either way, we know which Uso is which. Thanks. Smith outwrestles Jey on the mat for a bit as Jey struggles to fight his way out. Jey forces a rope break out of a Smith armbar, then takes over on David a bit before Smith nails a high knee. Tag to Tyson Kidd. Dropkick in the tree of woe by Kidd for 2. Jimmy Uso tags in, and takes over on Kidd. Kidd with a springboard armdrag and a rollup for 2. Dropkick by Kidd for 2. Tag to Smith, and a double team for 2. Jey tags in, and Smith tosses the Usos out of the ring as we go to commercial. You know how, if you’ve ever gone to a Midnight Screening of The Room, people throw spoons at the screen every time you see the framed spoon by the phone in Johnny and Lisa’s apartment? I think that’s the reasoning behind going to commercial every time someone goes flying out of the ring by some means. You’re just supposed to do it, for whatever reason. Yes, I managed to reference The Room in the SuperStars Super Review. “You are tearing me apart, Lisa!” Anyway, back to the match, Kidd tries to dive onto the Usos on the outside, but they catch him and throw him into the barricade. Kidd rolls around on the floor in pain as the Usos try to get the countout victory. The titles must not be on the line here, if that’s how they want to win… Kidd rolls back into the ring before the count, and the Usos continue to dominate on Kidd with quick tags and high powered assaults. Jerry Lawer comes out of the blue with yet another weird reference (at least to me), calling Natalya “Nattie”. Why is this weird? Because NO ONE in WWE has EVER called her Nattie on TV up to this point, EVER. Kind of makes you wonder if Jerry’s reading the Insanity as he’s calling the match, and, if he is, WHY?! You’re calling a match, dude! Jimmy tags in and nails Kidd in the corner with the running ass attack. Smith breaks up the pin, and the Usos pounce on Kidd as the ref forces smith back to the apron. Double clothesline takes Jimmy and Tyson down. Kidd with the HOT TAG to DH Smith, who cleans house on Jey Uso. Belly to belly throw by Smith, then goes for the sharpshooter, but Tamina takes to the Apron, just to get taken down by Natalya. The Harts set up for the flying Hart Attack as Jimmy runs in to save Jey, but Kidd dropkicks Jimmy as he clotheslines Jey in the Hart Attack for the win. Winners: The Hart Dynasty Final Thoughts: A better show this week than usual, with the Harts and the Usos bringing up what would have otherwise been a sad, pathetic, retread of a show. For the most part, though, it’s the same show. Yoshi, Primo, Chavo, inconsequential matches that lead nowhere and further nothing. Fortunately, there were the Harts. That helps. Maybe if WWE put a major act on this show EVERY WEEK to go along with the job squad that usually populates this show, and uses them in a match that either continues or adds to a current storyline on either Raw or SmackDown, then the show would at least seem like it served a purpose. The blah of Chavo, Primo, the Professor and Mary Ann would at least be counterbalanced by featuring a reason to tune in – a Hart Dynasty match, a US Title defense (against an actual contender), or (I’m really going to hate myself for saying this, but) a LayCool segment, or an Eve match, or an NXT showdown (god knows Kaval and Husky Harris would be a match worth seeing on this show), or Jericho vs. R-Truth, or even the occasional Orton/Cena/Mysterio/Punk/(Insert Main Eventer Here) squash over a Z-Ryde or a Dolph Ziggler, or heck, even a quick WWE/World title defense against an up and comer, where a guy like Yoshi Tatsu can get a few good shots in on a Sheamus before getting squashed. Hey, wouldn’t Superstars be a great place to give the Nexus guys singles matches? Or maybe let Serena Deeb have a match? Use the time for Archer & Hawkins to try and get a Tag Title match? You know, SOMETHING, that actually adds something to the viewer’s experience. Something that makes the show worth tuing into on Thursdays on WGN, or something that makes it worth seeking out on Hulu or YouTube if you don’t get WGN. Something that makes the hour of television worth the effort to produce in the first place. That’s all we want, really. ***** Mike Johns, imbued with special, shameless self-promotional powers the likes of which haven't been seen since the height of DX's self-fellatious babyface run in 2006, is a contributor to WorldWrestlingInsanity.com, as well as ClubWWI.com. He also produces and records original music under the name 'SaviorSelf.07.05.98' as well as remixes and mash-ups of far more popular songs under the name 'TMJ'. You can contact Mike via e-mail at TheMaverickMJ@yahoo.com You can also follow him on the various Social Networking Sites. http://www.twitter.com/themaverickmj http://www.facebook.com/TheMaverickMJ http://www.myspace.com/mikejohnsusaw http://www.youtube.com/user/themaverickmj blog comments powered by Disqus
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| All content contained here Copyright 2012 by James Guttman |
