Hey there! You remember that Dixie Carter Pwnage Video I wanted to post here last week, but couldn’t because of YouTube and the Universal Music Group wanting to protect Lady GaGa’s image for some reason? Guess what? It’s now up, exclusively on ClubWWI.com. So, when you’re done here, be sure to check out “Dixie’s Telephone” on ClubWWI.com!
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What? You’re not a member yet? Dude! What are you waiting for? There’s only like 900 hours’ worth of shoot interviews featuring some of wrestling’s biggest stars, such as Jerry “The King” Lawler, Jesse Ventura, Jim Cornette, Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Eric Bischoff, Ole Anderson, the Steiner Brothers, Kevin Nash, Lex Luger, Bobby Lashley, the Iron Shiek, Tammy Lynn Sytch, Dory and Terry Funk, the Honky Tonk Man, Bruno Sammartino… hell, JG even managed to get that f*cktard Vince Russo to do an interview! Plus exclusive shows hosted by Bull Buchannan, D’Lo Brown, Ivory, Dr. Tom Pritchard, and Paul Roma, as well as daily audios hosted by the likes of Aaron Wood, Canadian Bulldog, Jay Winterz, JG, and some guy… he writes the SuperStars review on WWI… oh, yeah! ME!!!! For less than the average cost of a magazine a month, you can have access to a literal plethora of wrestling media, brought to you by the folks here at World Wrestling Insanity! So, hell… SIGN UP ALREADY!!!

So, with that plug out of the way, on with the review –

(The Copyright Demon Strikes AGAIN! This week’s intro was supposed to feature Green Day’s “I Wanna Be on TV”, but, of course, Billie Joe Armstrong’s Libertarianism doesn’t seem to include other people’s use of his music. Fortunately, Pearl Jam continues to prove themselves as one of the Coolest Bands in the History of All Existence by NOT being total douchebags about people using their songs in silly YouTube videos.)

Hello and welcome once again to your Superstars SuperReview. Bringing you the blow by blow is the Lord of the Insanity Universe, Mike Johns, who, like most of the known WWE Universe, doesn’t get WGN, and has to wait for someone to get off their lazy ass at WWE and upload SuperStars to the various video-sharing networks they are partnered with.

What You Missed Last Week: R-Truth beat William Regal, the Bellas pulled “The Switch” twice on Jillian Hall, Luke Gallows had a sh*tty match with Chris Masters (big shocker, huh?), and you know its SuperStars when JTG gets the win.

And, apparently, there’s been no sign of Diet Carlito, at all, which means the likelihood of Primo being in the very first segment of today’s show is OVER 9000!!!

Yoshi Tatsu & Goldust vs. Zack Ryder & Primo Colon

What did I tell you?

So, apparently, the Primo Ryders are a semi-permanent team now because they’ve both been dissed by Alicia Fox. Okay, there’s been dumber reasons to form tag teams in my lifetime, but usually not over someone as inconsequential as the black Barbie Doll they got to replace the blonde, white one Eve was feuding with last month. So, moving on…

Oh, by the way, instead of talking about the match, Cole prattles on about the Nexus, again, talking about how they’ve attacked everyone (except, of course, the entire SMACKDOWN ROSTER, who Cole conveniently never brings up) and laid waste and whatnot… So, stay tuned, America! We’re going to hype 7 guys who aren’t even going to be on this show again for at least the next several months! After all, we don’t put anyone significant on this show! And, even when we do, we’d rather talk about someone else during their matches!

Yoshi takes the early advantage with some stiff chops and a couple arm drags. Tag to Goldust, where they double team on Z’s arm. Dust works the arm. Z nails a knee lift, tags Primo, and Dust nails an armdrag on him. Tag to Yoshi, and Yosh works the arm. Crossbody by Yoshi for 2. Primo misses a springboard cross body, then hotshots Yoshi on the top rope. Tag to Z, who nails a kneedrop for 2. Another quick tag to Primo, who goes for the chinlock on Yoshi.

You want to know what Cole and the King are talking about NOW instead of the match and the people in it? Come on. Guess. Did you guess, “Rob Zombie’s new album, Hellbilly Deluxe II”? Yeah. Michael Cole is a Rob Zombie fan, and Awesome Kong is a skinny white girl from Ireland. You know, its to a point that I’ve seen so many of the same matchups on this show (seriously, they just did this tag match three weeks ago) that I’m starting to think I should just do the review on what Michael Cole is talking about instead of the wrestling match on-screen…

Anyway, back to the match. Primo misses a Stinger Splash, and Yoshi tags in Goldust. Dust with the head of steam. Manhattan drop into the bulldog for 2 by Dust. Dust knocks Z-Ryde to the floor, and Primo hits a low dropkick on Dust and knocks him to the floor, which must count as an outside dive because we’re going to commercial.

Commercial Time: Michelle Obama goes for a walk with Elmo on Sesame Street. Seriously…

Back to the show, and guess what hold they’re using. Come on. What hold does Z have Dust in? You know it. I know it. Everyone knows it because it’s the only damn resthold anyone uses in this company – the CHINLOCK!!! Yay, chinlock!

So, Z tags Primo, and they double-team Dust. Meanwhile, Cole remembers his actual job for a second and actually talks about ZACK RYDER!!! Yoshi gets knocked off the apron as Dust goes for a tag, and Primo gets a back body drop fro the trouble. Powerslam by Dust, but c an’t make the cover. Z tags in, and Yoshi with the hot tag goes to town on Z-Ryde. Yoshi stiffs the hell out of Z, and nails a shining wizard for 2. Dust takes out Primo on the outside, and Z nails the Rough Ryder for the win, just like they did 3 weeks ago, with virtually the EXACT SAME FINISH. See what I mean when I say I ought to just review the stupid sh*t Michael Cole is talking about instead of the match?

Winners: Zack Ryder & Primo Colon

Now we come to the NXT recap. We get a redux of the Keg Carrying competition from last season (seriously? We needed to see THAT BS again?), and Titus O’Neil, a guy so green, he shouldn’t even be curtain jerking a wrestling show at the local flea market headlined by Joe Blow Nobody and Oldf*ck McGee, gets kicked off the show. Big shocker, eh? Oh, and guess what? The Internet Darling of this season blew this challenge just as bad as the Internet Darling of last season did. Seeing a theme here? I sure am, but hey, I was the first guy on this site to come out and say, blatantly, that NXT was a show purely meant to screw with the Internet Fans, so take this as you will. The upside? At least the keg carry winner got immunity from elimination this time. The downside? Lucky Cannon won the immunity.

We go to commercial, and once we come back, we see some guy named Alberto Del Rio reading on his couch. He talks about his honesty and children growing up, then calls us all liars. So… he’s the only honest man ever. That’s what it sounded like he said, anyway.

Nikki Bella vs. Jillian Hall

So Jill gets a chance to avenger her loss to the Cheating Douchecanoe [Copyright 2010, Allison Danger] Sisters. The problem? It’ll be the exact same match we saw last week. So guess what? I’m calling in the MVP Rule, and saving you the trouble of reading what will more than likely be, “bullsh*t, bullsh*t, my line… bullsh*t, bullsh*t, my line… bullsh*t, Switch, Finish, my line…” (And shame on you for not knowing the Tony Clifton reference when it’s handed to you on a silver platter!)

But first, Jillian has something to say. Apparently, after what the Cheating Douchecanoe Sisters did to Jill last week, she can’t sing. And Michael Cole, obviously, says something stupid – “Instead of Lady GaGa, we should Jillian ‘Lady Gag’.”

Meanwhile, Jill beats up on Nikki Bella, and Nikki gets, like, no offense in at all, which is always good. Nikki fights out of a backbreaker rack, but Jill takes back over. Michael Cole now compares himself Robert Gibbs and Ari Fleischer as he talks about… get this – the Raw General Manager. Don’t know who Robert Gibbs and Ari Fleischer are? That’s okay – neither do half of the people watching this show. They’re White House Press Secretaries. Fleischer worked for George W. Bush, Gibbs for Obama. The funny thing is that WWE actually thinks their current primary demographic (families with kids) will catch this reference. Dude, seriously, I watch 24-Hour News Networks for FUN, and even I had to Google Gibbs and Fleischer to know who they were for sure!

Oh… and, it turns out, not even Jerry Lawler caught the reference, as Michael Cole actually had to explain it to HIM, too! Yeah. Way to go, Cole! Make obscure, non-wrestling references that go over 99% of your audience’s heads, so much so that even your BROADCAST PARTNER has no idea what you’re talking about! Jesus Christ! This is wrestling, not CNN!

By the way, this is all far more interesting than the match I’m not talking about. See how fun the Michael Cole experience is for the viewer?
Nikki manages to pull off the three moves she knows (headscissors, dropkick, and... um… I know there’s a third moves she does.) Nikki goes over the top and to the floor. Brie checks on her, and Jill takes out Brie as well. Jill rolls back in, and the ref goes for the count as BOTH Bellas roll under the ring. For reference, this is how the Bellas used to do “The Switch” when they initially debuted. Back then, there was only one Bella (Brie, I believe), and she’d roll under the ring when she got into trouble, and the fresh Bella (who we were all supposed to think was still Brie, but was actually Nikki) came in and won the match. And, by the way, she was a babyface then, too. Anyway, eventually, she went for the Switch, but got found out, as two Bellas got pulled out from under the ring, revealing that they were, in fact, twins. So, right now, I’m about half expecting some Super Bella to come out from under that ring or something, really.

So, they both roll under the ring, and only one comes out. Which one? Does it matter? So, Bella A tries to get in the ring, and Jill knocks her to the floor. Meanwhile, Bella B comes in from behind and rolls Jill up for the win.

Winners: The Bella Twins

Did you know that John Cena has granted over 175 wishes for the Make-A-Wish foundation, because, if you didn’t, WWE’s bragging about it now. Self-Acknowledged Altruism – The Best Public Relations Tool of Corporate America since the 1800s…

MAIN EVENT TIME!!!
Christian (Cage) vs. Curt Hawkins

You know you’re watching Superstars when a guy who wasn’t even good enough to job on ECW is in the Main Event. It also helps to know that Hawkins is currently half of a regular tag team with a former TNA talent (Lance Hoyt/Rock)with a stupid re-name (Vance Archer). So, seriously… who do you have going over here?

Curt talks some smack, so Cage slaps him. Nice going Christian! Cage works the arm as The Grish talks about mounting Matt Striker and wailing on his face. Seriously.

The more I do this show, the more I’m really starting to think I should just recap the stupid sh*t the announcers say rather than the matches. Sometimes, the quotes are far more interesting…

Back to the match, Curt takes over, Cage nails something resembling a leg lariat. Curt rolls out of the ring, and Cage nails a baseball slide dropkick on Curt on the outside. Normally, this would lead to a commercial, but Lance Hoyt decides to say hi to the former NWA World Champion, and…

They’re talking about the Nexus. The SmackDown commentators, Matt Striker and Todd Grisham, are talking about the Nexus. Commentators for a show the Nexus has NEVER appeared on, and WILL NEVER APPEAR ON, are now talking about guys who have never been on their show on yet another show the Nexus isn’t going to show up on. I swear, it’s WCW Saturday Night in the Summer of 1996, all over again…

Awesome top rope crossbody by Christian for 2. Cage tries to follow up, by Hawkins dumps Christian to the outside, and the referee, seeing that Archer is about to interfere, ejects Lance Hoyt as we go to commercial.

As we come back, Curt Hawkins has, amazingly enough, pulled out a different rest hold to put Christian in. And when I say, “Different”, I mean it, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen it before. Imagine a camel clutch-like hold, where you put your knee into someone’s back as you pull back on their head. Okay, now imagine that same hold, but with the guy you have the hold in on his back, and you knee right in his gut. Cage fights out, just to be caught with a knee lift by Hawkins for 2. Curt keeps working the abs with punches and kness. Christian goes for a tornado DDT, but Curt tosses him off. Curt goes for a slam, but Cage reverse into an Edge-O-Matic for 2. Christian with a 3.0 backbreaker for 2 (yes, that’s a Mike Sanders reference for the three people reading this who actually watched WCW in 2001). Curt with a slam for 2. Missile dropkick by Cage for 2. Cage misses with a crossbody, and Hawkins gets a 2 count. Fulcrum Prison Blues by Cage, followed by a flying uppercut, and the Captain nails the Killswitch for the win.

Winner: Christian (Cage)

Final Thoughts:
Wow, that was boring. Usually, I look forward to the occasional Christian Cage matches on this show, but, honestly, the pure amount of rehash on this week’s show drained me long before the Main Event even came along. And, even then, the Cage match was nothing to write home about.

We actually did get something of an advancement of an angle this week with the Bellas and Jillian. Unfortunately, all the angle is, sadly, is an excuse to put people on TV. WWE doesn’t find ways to use its talent so much as it finds ways to fill TV time, and that’s what angles on this show tend to feel like – ways to fill TV time. Of course, we wouldn’t have this problem if WWE wasn’t so adamant on running 6-10 hours of TV a week. Most shows only worry about filling one or two hours a week. A few, like American Idol, can get away with 3, 4 at the most. WWE runs no less than 6 on a given week. So that needs to be taken into consideration. 6 hours of first-run TV, every week. That doesn’t EXCUSE WWE from making bland TV, such as this, mind you, it simply explains it. Speaking for anyone who actually watches this show every week, no one wants to see a show run on auto-pilot, further nothing remotely interesting, and constantly spending its time talking up and recapping far more interesting and important shows than the one we’re currently watching. If you are going to go to the trouble to produce this hour of television, in PRIME TIME on a regional cable network, release it into international syndication, and go to the trouble to broadcast it on Hulu and YouTube so every fan who wants to watch this show CAN watch this show, the least you can do is TRY to make it a show worth watching. We’re not asking for Raw or SmackDown level competence here, but we are asking for a reason to tune in each week for something more than listening to announcers talk about how more interesting things are happening on Raw, and not bothering to talk up the talent you have no real intent on using as more than fodder to the Miz, Drew McIntyre, and Alicia Fox at any given time anyway!

It’s like… why do I even review this show? Nothing happens. Every week, nothing happens. One thing, ONE THING has happened on this show since I got this gig – Lay-Cool convinced Vickie Guerrero to declare Beth Phoenix a man and deny her a shot at Michelle McCool’s Women’s Championship. That’s it! I’ve been reviewing this show since April, right after WrestleMania, and that’s all that’s happened on this show.

Wait, no - TWO things have happened on this show. The Colon Brothers reunited… for two weeks before Carlito got fired.

That’s it. So, WWE, I really want to know – What’s the point of this show? Seriously, I want to know!