Hey there boys and girls it's that time again for another battle of the C-Listers. Now there's been a new challenge. A new C-List show will rise from the ashes and take the place of OVW. What show will try to compete with the ultimate C-List show, WWE Superstars?
What is NeXT?
Well, you will find out...
Chris Masters def. Tyler Reks
We're joined by the Korpela/Striker experience for this one and... great it's these two again. Second time in this columnist's three week history. Ah well, it's still better than watching TNA (Sorry Mike Johns but you know I'm right). Matt Striker thinks that this year's Wrestlemania will be better than every other Wrestlemania. I disagree. Wrestlemania IX was the greatest ever. Who could forget the epic Giant Gonzalez/Undertaker clash, the debut of Jim Ross in his toga and Razor Ramon beating Bob Backlund with a small package? Oh yeah, everyone. Nevermind. I'm getting off topic, let's get to the epic battle. Masters kicks this off with a flurry of punches to Reks. Reks tries to get away but Masters keeps punching. Chris Masters is apparently #17 in the WWE Top 25 Power Rankings. I haven't seen those since Chris Beno...errr...Steve Blackman was World Champ. Back to the match and Masters hits a neckbreaker on Reks. Masters then goes for the Masterlock but Reks takes off to the outside. Reks then boots the steel steps. Maybe if he did that to Masters he would actually get some offense in this match. Back in, Reks goes after brutalizing those innocent steps. Both men exchange some amazing punches, kicks, and chops but Reks finally takes control after a scoop slam. Reks hits a couple of clotheslines and goes for the pin but only gets two. Striker says that he wants to meet Snooki so they can go out and throw grenades together. Ummm, you could just join the Army and go to Afghanistan or play Grand Theft Auto IV. You don't need Snooki for that. Reks locks in a chinlock. Masters tries to get out but gets his head thrown down at the mat. Masters battles back with generic offense which culminates to a shoulder block from the second rope to Reks. Reks goes back to the outside. Hope he leaves the steps alone this time. Masters goes outside as well and smashes Reks' head off the steel steps. The steps might get the GLEAM! award at this rate. Masters gets thrown into the post and then Reks hits Masters with an Inverted DDT setup but then just clubs his chest. What a time for a...
Commercial Break! Good thing I'm watching this on YouTube so there are no annoyances. We return with Reks locking Masters in a half legged Boston Crab. Well, a quarter legged one, it's lazy looking. Backbreaker by Reks for a two. Masters hits a backslide for only a two count. Korpela compared the Reks/Masters rivalry to Lakers/Celtics and Yankees/Red Sox. No Jack, people pay to see those rivalries. This is like Padres/Giants or Orioles/Nationals. C-List Jack, get it right! Masters hits the Samoan drop. Chris follows with a flurry of offense and finishes it off by channeling his inner D-Lo Brown with the Sky High ...for a two count. Masters tries to capitalize but Reks hits a Flatliner out of nowhere. Tyler goes for the pin but Masters' foot is on the ropes immediately. Reks goes for the Burning Hammer but Masters reverses it and locks in the MASTERLOCK! for the victory! Good match here and Masters is undefeated since I've been reviewing the C-List. I'm Masters' Horseshoe.
Did You Know? WWE's Facebook page adds 25,000 new fans every day? They should disable those Like buttons, I hate all the junk mail that comes with those things. I Dislike Like buttons.
Recap of the Wrestlemania Special Guest Referee for Cole vs Lawler segment from RAW. Cole sounds like he is going to climax while saying "Can I have your attention please?" He fakes out bringing out Austin and out comes the American Alberto Del Rio, John Bradshaw Layfield. I miss his cow music. JBL is proud of Cole for standing up to Lawler the bully. Love it. JBL is about to sign until the glass breaks and Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out to a roaring ovation. He looks different. Not as intimidating as he used to be. Cole and JBL are yelling at Austin. JBL gets a stunner for running his mouth. Austin grabs the ten gallon hat and some beers while Cole screams about it being his night like he's a 16 year old girl from the hills pissing and moaning because she got an Acura cake instead of a Ferrari cake. Austin then signs the contract after an audience hell yeah. Cole asks why like a pansy and gets a beer bath. Cole looks like someone took a dump in his Raisin Bran while Austin is being Austin.
Zack Ryder w/Primo def. Vladimir Kozlov w/Santino and Tamina
A mighty WOO WOO WOO starts this match off. Kozlov looks unimpressed. Kozlov hits a powerful fireman's carry takedown. Ryder gets in Kozlov's face but gets shoved down.Zack tries to get some offense in but Vladimir powers him to the ground and locks in a heel hold. Ryder grabs the ropes. Primo looks like a tool, just had to get that off my chest. Ryder tries a cross body block but Kozlov catches him and hits a fallaway slam that throws Ryder to the outside. Kozlov goes to the outside and throws Ryder back in the ring while Primo shoots off his mouth. Not sure what he's saying but he's a tool and nobody cares. Ryder tries to get some shots in again but once again, Kozlov just overpowers Ryder and hits a flurry of moves culminating in shoulder thrusts in the corner. Kozlov nails a mighty boot that sends Ryder across the ring. The Russian looks to go for a powerslam but Primo jumps on the apron. Santino fights off Primo while Zack escapes and hits a jawbreaker. Ryder then hits the Rough Ryder for the three! The two moves Ryder managed to connect with defeated Kozlov! Woo Woo Woo, You Know It!
Shawn Micheals says stuff about Triple H and Wrestlemania. I don't care. Moving along...
Up Next, John Cena making an ass of himself.
They start this recap with the awesomeness of The Rock. Moral of the story, don't confront The Rock in the form of a rap. Off to Cena ignoring the moral of the story rapping again. Good thing Miz showed up to show him up by hitting Cena with the spinny belt. Then the Miz raps at Cena. Miz then calls out the Rock and threatens to shove a lot of things up his ass because he's AWESOME!!!
Khali, Henry and Natalya def. Regal, Kidd and Melina
What a weird grouping of teams. Natalya's dancing like a fool, but it's awesome. Out come the random grouping of baddies. Massive Regal Sucks chant. Screw you fans! The females start this off. Both women exchange offensive maneuvers. Melina misses a front dropkick prompting Natalya to go for the Sharpshooter but Melina gets to the ropes before the hold is locked in. Melina tackles Natalya a la Albert Haynesworth style and they roll around for a bit. Cue Joey Styles... CATFIGHT!!! CATFIGHT!!! Kidd hits the blind tag to Melina. She didn't like that too much so they argue for a bit. Kidd then tells Natalya to take off and bring in a super heavyweight. That's not smart but at least he's a gentleman. Enter Markus Henry. Kidd then tags in Regal. Regal gets muscled to the corner and Khali gets tagged in. Big chop by Khali. Regal staggers to the middle of the ring but goes to work on Khali's leg. Knees to the head by Regal. Another blind tag by Kidd and Regal looks confused. Kidd hits Khali but that just pissed him off. Tyson tries to tag his partners but they get off the apron leaving him hanging. Kidd wants a hand shake but gets the brain chop followed up by a two handed chokeslam for the three. Moral of the story here, don't tag with Tyson Kidd. After the match, Henry splashes Kidd for no reason. Natalya then locks in the Sharpshooter on Kidd while Regal and Melina just watch. Who's the bad guy in this match again? Regal then locks on the Regal Stretch on Kidd! This is insane. Melina then consoles Kidd just to slap him. Poor guy. The shows over folks!
So I promised everyone a new C-Show that won't brutalize my head. So here we go... Cue the Drumroll...
That's right, I will be reviewing the newest season of
Cue the song and away we go...
We're here with Todd Grisham and William Regal?!?! Neato! Our party host Matt Striker introduces another party host, Maryse. She's tough to comprehend. Darren Young is back without his crazy hair. Why does he get a shot again? Out next is Connor O'Brian, back with the Ratitude shirt. He was okay and he gave Ricardo Rodriguez his first WWE win. Connor is good in my books. Out next is Lucky Cannon wearing some fruitilicious robe. He was already lame and now he looks worse. With a name like Lucky Cannon, he should be missing limbs or have a terminal illness or something where a name like Lucky would work. Wearing a pathetic attempt at a Ric Flair robe doesn't scream Lucky, it spells minor league. Oh well, he's in the right place I guess. Moving along, Byron Saxton is coming out. He was funny last season, so far the best one here. Out comes Jacob Novak, sans his white 80's blazer. He's lame too. Let me guess, Titus O'Neil is on here too while we're collecting lame-o's. Yes, I said lame-o's. Deal with it. Damn, I am a fortune cookie because there is Titus O'Neil. Saxton better win this.
On this show you are competing to get a spot on NXT 6. Wow, that's an awful prize. That's like winning the Showcase Showdown on The Price Is Right and you win a chance to do it again. The guy last time won a yacht, 50 inch TV and a trip to Mexico but I won a chance to come back again tomorrow! Meh. Ignoring details, let's see who the pros are for these Joes.
Darren Young your pro is... Ooooooooh, Chavo! Young looks confused but then lightens up and seems encouraged by Latino Room Temperature. Random Regal trivia fact- Chavo had his first match in WCW 15 years ago with William Regal. Chavo is going face mode now. Chavo is happy with his rook. He says Darren has to seperate himself from the pack. Better grow your hair back. Darren Young and the WWE Universe feels Chavo.
Conor O'Brian your pro is... Vladdy Kozlov! Good luck learning anything. Kozlov sounds not only Russian but as if he had a few White Russians before coming out here. I think he said to O'Brian to not impress everyone else and be yourself because people will like him. Regal mentions Kozlov is available for children's parties. Ha! Put Regal on RAW as a commentator, stat!
Lucky Cannon, who gets politely shut down by Maryse, your pro is... Tyson Kidd. Yep, the guy that got beat up by all of his opponents, Natalya and his partners Regal and Melina on Superstars. Lucky, you're boned! Kidd claims he is the best pro there is and Lucky has been too nice. Lucky then makes a girly pose while Regal asks if he's wearing lipstick.
Byron Saxton, your pro is... Captain Monkey Ball, Yoshi Tatsu! Grisham asks if this is the International House of Pancakes. I love the commentating on this show. Yoshi is wearing a suit. Yoshi says Byron was overconfident and should relax and be himself. Good speech there Yosh, now go eat some koopas!
Jacob Novak, your pro is... JTG Eh-Kay-Eh, the guy that lost to a guy in a suit on Smackdown. Should be an interesting pairing. JTG asks Novak "What's Really Hood?" Novak looks lost and is probably wondering if his locker door is locked. Apparently the drama held Novak back last season so he's good to go this season CHEEEEEEEAH!
Titus O'Neil, your pro is... Hornswoggle. Yep, the leprechaun is a pro. Horny clears his throat to make weird noises followed by dog noises. Great.
It's Novak vs Young next!
Darren Young def. Jacob Novak
Both pros are on the apron. A grapplefest starts this thing off then they fall to the outside. Awkward spot there. Young hits a clothesline. A flurry of offense by Novak leads to a Darren Young powerslam for a one count. Novak with a boot to the face on Young. Jacob takes him to the corner and hits some back elbows. Wonder if he's throwin' dem 'bows like JTG taught him? I shouldn't talk like that, I feel silly. Novak throws Young to the opposite corner but runs into a Young elbow. Novak boots Young in the chest for a two. The white-trunked rookie locks on an awkward Cobra Clutch that Darren eventually breaks free of. Novak gets in some offense and I'm not sure what move capped it off because they were showing the other pros taking notes and Hornswoggle drawing a picture. Northern Lights suplex by Young goes for a two count. Darren gets in some more offense capped off by a clothesline then hits his weird finishing move (A full nelson into a 180 horizontal throw?) for the three. Chavito seems happy.
Maryse is walking backstage when the suited one, Yoshi Tatsu approaches. He compliments Maryse by saying she will be a berry good host. I know he probably meant very good host but imagine if Maryse threw pieces of that Frankenberry cereal into the crowd? Then she'd be a berry good host. Waka Waka Waka. Yoshi is about to tell Maryse something but Saxton shows up and wants to talk strategy with Yoshi. Maryse takes off. Wonder if you get Redemption points for cock blocking your pro? Yoshi says Saxton has berry bad timing. Saxton is confuzzled.
Sin Cara promo video. This video makes him look like a Smackdown vs Raw Create a Player come to life. He should have done his moves to the green wire man instead of generic bump monkey #57.
The RAW Rebound... That I already Covered. Next Segment!
Connor O'Brian promo video. He says he was hiding behind a persona last season. He struggled through life. I think this was Lucky Cannons gimmick last time he was on the show. Connor looks weird in a suit, almost Amish.
Kids, don't try this at home... Find a park and make belts out of cardboard. It's how you get ladies!
We're back with Striker and the amazing looking Maryse in army cargo pants. Damn! It's obstacle course time worth THREE redemption points. Basically, hop a wall, crawl under a net, balance beam, dodge standing flags, pick up the bag and bring it to the finish line. Fastest time wins. Hornswoggle is making stupid noises like he's trying to hump a chair. I'm not recapping every part of this so here're the quick time results:
Titus O'Neil- 29.8 seconds
Jacob Novak- 24.0 seconds
Byron Saxton- 26.5 seconds
Lucky Cannon- Disqualified for refusing to do it and getting shut down by Maryse...again
Conor O'Brian- 27.1 seconds
Darren Young- 23.0 seconds
So Darren Young wins his three points.
Byron Saxton promo video. Byron doesn't want to take anything for granted. He knows that the other guys feel the same way he does.
Titus O'Neil def. Lucky Cannon
At least it's not Mike Mondo. Cannon nails a cheap shot on Titus then hides in the ropes. Titus stomps a proverbial mudhole to Cannon then cannon tries a drop toe hold and fails. So what do you do when you fail at performing a drop toe hold? Kick the dude in the head! Titus flies to the outside. Cannon rolls Titus into the ring and does the ol' knee to the back submission. Lucky then eventually transitions into a sleeper hold. Cannon is trying to get leverage on the ropes but Hornswoggle keeps knocking his feet off the ropes. L.C. starts to choke Titus with the top rope. Titus stops the momentum with a back body drop and follows with a massive shoulder block. O'Neil throws Cannon in the corner, charges but eats some bottom of the boots worn by Cannon. Hornswoggle is attacking Kidd for some reason. This bunch of shenanigans goes into the ring so the ref and Kidd get into it while Hornswoggle goes to the apron. Meanwhile, Titus is down and Cannon is climbing the ropes. Hornswoggle pushes Cannon right into a Titus Monster Sky High for the three count! That's bad pro etiquette from Horny. Post match, Kidd knocks down Hornswoggle and tries to set up the Sharpshooter but Titus boots him out of the ring. Hornswoggle is apparently a bearded child according to Grisham. So to recap, Kidd got beat up by Khali, Henry, Regal, Natalya, Melina and Titus O'Neil. That's a bad week. Show's over, go home!
I'm going to give this one to NXT. The actual wrestling was superior on Superstars this week but for overall enjoyment, NXT did it for me this week. I think I need a more decisive grading system for this. I'll come up with something next week for everyone!
The GLEAM!Performer of the week
The Steel Steps!
No, I wasn't joking at all with this one. The steps not only took an unnecessary beating but persevered and got some revenge on Tyler Reks. Also, it was apparent that the steps had more of a presence tonight, almost gleaming around the corners. Very good performance by the steps, I see good things coming from this underutilized superstar!
Until next time kids, make sure to say your milk and drink your prayers but more importantly, don't eat too many peppercorns. It's bad for your food!