Hey boys and girls and welcome to an actual, not throwaway version of your favorite C-Shows! I am your host, Victor Bast. So there has been another change made to this column. It's not my fault this time, don't give me that look! Apparently Vincent Kennedy McMahon has recently outlawed the word "Wrestling" from anything to do with his programming. That's pretty funny considering the second word in his company is "Wrestling" but apparently he thought of that. His company is also no longer called World Wrestling Entertainment. Nope, it is called WWE. WWE is no longer the abbreviated form of the company, it is the full name. Now I'm not sure if you pronounce it "Duh-bull-you, duh-bull-you, E" or "Wuh-Wee". I'm sure there will be a press conference to announce this in the near future. So in this column, due to Vince McMahons power to hold words hostage, I will no longer be calling wrestling wrestling but it will be known as entertainment. I am doing this against my will and do not want to do community service for violating this decree. I really hate the smell of chicken noodle soup and people who wear five coats and don't wash any of their coats. Just saying. Anyways, enjoy the Entertainment report on your favorite C-Shows! Let's kick it off with NXT...
We are wild and... collecting REDEMPTION POINTS!!!
We're joined in the ring by Maryse and Matthew Striker. They do their weekly thing where they break down the rules of the show (probably because nobody could give a rats ass about this season) and show us the updated standings for the REDEMPTION POINTS Titus O'Neil has nine, Darren Young has seven, everyone else fails at life apparently since they have none. Apparently we're going to have ourselves a trivia challenge! I can't wait to hear the boring chant in a few minutes.
First category- Wrestlemania 27 Winners... That should be easy, this was shown two days after the event. It's like asking them what they had for lunch as a trivia question.
Darren Young says... Bret Hart. Is he serious? He wasn't even at this year's Wrestlemania! Maybe Darren got confused and thought it was Wrestlemania Seven or something (I have no idea if Bret won or lost at Wrestlemania Seven and really don't care). I think Darren needs to pay a wee bit more attention at his workplace. He's done.
Byron Saxton picks the sure thing answer with the Undertaker.
Jacob Novak has to think about it for a few seconds but guesses Randy Orton correctly.
Connor O'Brien picks the portable midget human floatation device known as Snooki for the right answer.
Lucky Cannon asks if Striker knows where his girlfriend was last night because Lucky knows. So do I Lucky. She was at work filing papers and answering phone calls. She ate a pastrami sandwich from the cafeteria for lunch. There was nothing sexual or had anything to do with you. We both have restraining orders now because of this. Thanks Lucky... That was a wrong answer so he's gone.
Titus O'Neil's answer is Cody Rhodes. He is correct.
We're staying with the same category apparently for Round Two.
Byron Saxton picks Edge correctly.
Jacob Novak picks The Miz, which is true... AND AWESOME!
Connor O'Brien takes too much time thinking and gets eliminated.
Titus O'Neil (and everyone else) gets a new category and it's "Name any inductee into the 2011 Hall of Fame." Oooooh, this is harder it was a whole three days ago! He picks Hacksaw Jim Duggan for the right answer. HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Byron Saxton picks Shawn Michaels for another correct answer.
Jacob Novak picks Sunny for the privilege to keep playing this ridiculous trivia game
Titus O'Neil picks the Road Warriors to keep on rolling through.
Byron Saxton picks Bullet Bob Armstrong, which is not only correct but a not quite a no brainer answer for these no brainer questions
Jacob Novak wanted to pick Bullet Bob but he gets eliminated instead.
Category change again and it should be easy for these guys. It's Name any NXT Rookie from any season. This is going to be a long trivia contest.
Titus O'Neil picks himself... Wow, they're letting them do that? Technically he's correct.
Byron Saxton follows suit and picks himself.
Titus O'Neil picks the Miz' apprentice Alex Riley to continue this ridiculous game
Byron Saxton picks Orton Nexus punt victim #2, Michael McGillicuty
Titus picks Orton Nexus punt victim #1, Husky Harris... I hope someone picks Kaval! Give some love to the World Warrior!
Byron picks Orton Nexus punt victim #3, David Otunga
Titus picks Daniel Bryan aka the first person ever to get eliminated in NXT history. Screw you pure wrestling internet fans! (Just kidding, Daniel Bryan is a good submission entertainer)
Byron picks Wade Barrett aka the first person to win a NXT season. His old pro must be dancing happily because of it as well.
Titus picks Eli Cottonwood. I forgot about that guy. He was...well, pathetic.
Byron picks current Alberto del Rio protégé, Brodus Clay. SHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
Titus picks last season's winner, Johnny Curtis. Wonder when he'll be cashing in his Tag Title shot with R-Truth? My money is on never.
Byron picks Derrick Bateman. He was moderately entertaining.
Titus picks Byron Saxton, which was already said and gets eliminated. I'm stunned that nobody mentioned the other guys on the current season. Lucky Cannon was standing there too. Byron Saxton wins him some REDEMPTION POINTS!!!
Tough Enough commercial. Some will laugh, some will cry, some will buy those popsicles that are red, white and blue. Tune in and find out what Tough Enough contestant likes what kind of popsicle. Miss America likes Fudgesickles!
Did you Know? Wrestlemania 27 was the highest attended entertainment event in Georgia Dome history beating out U2, Elton John, Paul McCartney, Backstreet Boys and the Rolling Stones? It also beat that one WCW Monday Nitro where Goldberg beat Hollywood Hogan for the WCW World Championship. That's right, WWE beat that. Suck it Bischoff!
Connor O'Brien def. Jacob Novak
This match starts off with Connor O'Brien working on the arm of Jacob Novak. During all of that arm work, Todd Grisham says Novak changed his tights from white to gold because he got offended that Byron Saxton said that they looked like Huggies. Novak might be a tad sensitive if that's the case. Connor keeps doing all sorts of submission styled entertainment moves on Novak for short periods of time, it's actually quite impressive. Novak gets sent to the corner, Connor charges and eats a boot to the face then gets thrown so hard into the corner he went into it upside down... Or he oversold it, one or the other... no, it was that powerful. Entertainment is still real to me dammit! Novak starts putting the boots to Connor while Novak's pro, JTG keeps saying "That's my Wookie!" I think you mean rookie, Novak looks nothing like Chewbacca. Pin attempt by Novak goes for a two. Novak goes and hits a neckbreaker for another two count. Novak locks in the chinlock of doom...and gets a back body drop for his troubles. Connor tries to kick Novak but gets caught and gets a boot to the chest for his troubles. Novak goes for the big boot in the corner but Connor moves out of the way and locks in the schoolboy for the three count. JTG's pet wookie just lost.
TO THE BACK!!! Here we see Lucky Cannon walk up to the suited up Yoshi Tatsu. Cannon apologizes for his actions last week. Yoshi says he should apologize to Maryse. Cannon agrees and says that Maryse is all his and even heard that Maryse likes Yoshi! Oh yeah, Maryse wants to ride the Yoshi all up in and around the Mushroom Kingdom! Hey here's a question... Where the hell is Ted DiBiase in all of this? Meanwhile, Cannon points out Maryse to Yoshi so Yoshi starts to walk up to Maryse nervously. Yoshi nervously asks if Maryse would go out with him. Out of nowhere, Ted DiBiase says no and beats the hell out of Yoshi! Take that woman stealer! Maryse is yelling in French in the background while this is happening. She does not seem pleased. Once DiBiase stops, he confronts Maryse. Basically he says he'll deal with Cannon later and has a match with Yoshi later as well while reminding Maryse that he buys all of her expensive garbage. Is she coming with him to the ring or not? The answer is yes. She even steps over the fallen Yoshi to run to her man. Now that's storybook love kids!
Did You Know that this year's WWE HoF ceremony was the most watched WWE HoF ceremony of all time? They must have had more than four people watch it this year then. Good for them.
Clips from the Hall of Fame. Hacksaw calls for a Ho, Bullet Bob Armstrong lived his dream, Abdullah brought a fork to the stage to probably eat some chicken with, Sunny gets what Sunny wants, The one and a half Road Warriors apparently do lots of cocaine because they're having one hell of a rush, Drew Carey talks about his one time ever being in a WWE ring and Shawn Michaels still didn't find his smile but he got a cool ring instead.
Backstage we see the one armed Kozlov (The wrestling one, not the two hockey players with the same last name) and the wookie herder himself, JTG. Kozlov is making fun of JTG's rookie losing to his rookie. Ha ha, my future future endeavored guy beat your future future endeavored guy! JTG is having none of that saying winning isn't everything. I guess he would know about that. JTG says that Kozlov and Connor O'Brien need flavor. I hope they pick All Dressed... oooh ooooh ooooh, or Nacho cheese! mmmmm, Nacho flavored wrestlers *drools*. So they make a bet that JTG will make his wookie fly before Kozlov can make his rookie a beast. Flying wookies vs mutated wrestlers, who you got?
Big Show has a DVD set out. Just thought you'd like to know that because they told me to tell you that.
Titus O'Neil and Hornswoggle (???) def. Darren Young and Chavo Guerrero
They both get entrances, neato! Young and Titus start this shindig off. After some generic moves, Titus clotheslines Young. Young apparently didn't like that. Young goes to the corner, gets some advice then tags in Chavo. Chavo puts Titus in the corner and beats him down... with his fists! Chavo charges but catches an elbow to the face for his troubles. Titus approaches only to get dropkicked into his respective corner. Hornswoggle wants in so he tagged himself in. Great, I thought I was done with these Chavo/Hornswoggle five star masterpieces. Apparently Hornswoggle wants to face off against Darren Young. Guess the Chavito/'Swoggle feud is over. So Chavo tags in Young who is reluctant to fight the so called Leprechaun. Young drops to his knees and mockingly does the test of strength pose. So Hornswoggle tries and does nothing while Young laughs. Hornswoggle has had enough so he boots Young in the stomach and stomps on his fingers. Hornswoggle then kicks Chavo for no reason. Horn then runs in between Young's legs and tags in Titus. Titus hits a barrage of offense capped off by a powerslam. Titus throws Young into the ropes and Chavo blind tags himself while getting hit off the apron. It's as awkward as it sounds. Young connects with a clothesline. Chavo tries to go to the top rope but Hornswoggle bites his ankle. That can't be sanitary. Chavo chases after Hornswoggle who goes under the ring so Chavito follows. Strange because he's the legal man but he isn't being counted out. Nosiree Bob he's not. Young just enters the ring to continue the match like nothing ever happened. Well Young gets caught with the Sky High and he loses despite not being the legal man. Chavo should protest.
RAW Recap of the John Cena/Rock deal. They respect each other but hate each other. They will fight at Wrestlemania 28. They completely make the Corre look pathetic. The End.
Yoshi Tatsu def. Ted DiBiase via DQ
DiBiase comes out sans Maryse. Guess she couldn't catch up to him in that backroom area. Oh wait, she's in some random leather chair ringside for some reason. Here comes Super Monkey Ball man, Yoshi Tatsu. Love his music, every time I hear it it gets stuck in my head and I probably look like a complete moron but at least I'm a happy complete moron. Both men exchange strikes until DiBiase gets the upper hand and goes to the middle rope. He "connects" with a stomp to the "midsection" of Tatsu. The quotes are there because DiBiase actually missed the move and Tatsu sold it well. DiBiase continues his beatdown of Tatsu. During this epic beatdown, Grisham decided to recite a "Haku' about Yoshi Tatsusi Trials and Tribulations with Maryse. Ummm, Todd that's a Haiku. Haiku- Japanese poem that goes 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables. Haku was part of the Headshrinkers in the 80's and 90's then went to WCW as Meng. Unless he draws pictures of Haku to express his feelings for Maryse, that makes no sense. Meanwhile DiBiase is beating up Tatsu in the corner again. He beat up Tatsu so bad and for too long that he got disqualified. Ha Ha! DiBiase still continues his beatdown until Maryse says enough is enough and it's time to ramble in French! DiBiase steals Frenchy's mic and says she's had enough of NXT and he's sick of it. DiBiase says it's NXT or Me. Well now, both are losers. She should've grabbed Miz when she had the chance a couple years back. Shows Over, read the next review!
Welcome to the last televised Superstars on WGN!
Drew McIntyre def. JTG
Sweet, a Drew C-List sighting! Sweet, a Drew Entrance! I love Shamans Harvest! His opponent is JTG, who will probably lose. Match starts with JTG trying to kick McIntyre but gets slapped so hard it made Rick James jealous. JTG keeps getting slapped so he goes all Charlie Murphy on McIntyre and gets some shots in. All those shots are worthless as one punch from McIntyre sends JTG to the canvas. McIntyre then hits a reverse suplex into the top rope on JTG. McIntyre sends JTG back into the ring and beats the holy hell out of him until the ref breaks it up. Drew locks in a seated armbar on JTG. JTG fights out of it and hits a back body drop. McIntyre charges into the corner but eats a Timberland boot to the face. Pin attempt by JTG fails at two. Well, at first you don't succeed go for the crucifix pin and fail again at two. JTG hits a Brooklyn sized DDT and goes for the pin. Nope, foot was on the ropes. No win for you. JTG tries to run up and jump on McIntyre in the corner but gets pushed off and gets a boot to the face for his troubles. JTG gets Futureshocked all the way to another loss. That means JTG lost... again.
HoF promo from NXT plays. I'd rather talk about Manny Ramirez retiring... but I won't because this is an entertainment column and Manny played Baseball.
Did You Know that Jimmie Johnson changed his name to Douchey McBaggerton the Third? Actually he didn't but he should with all that complaining he does. He needs to take the sand out of his vagina. That one is for a Mr. Mike Pootz who requested I work that name into this column somewhere.
Yoshi Tatsu def. Tyson Kidd
This should be a fun match! Match starts off with Kidd working on the arm of Tatsu. Yoshi counters with a neat takedown. Both men then go into one of those quicktime sequences where they exchange pleasantries...and by pleasantries I mean moves that hurt your opponent. Yoshi wins this round by turning an arm drag into a pinning combination for a two. Japanese arm drags by Yoshi that turn into an armbar. Kidd fights out of it and does a flip kick to Yoshi that sends Kidd outside on the apron but Yoshi dropkicks Kidd off the apron. This match is tough to call, so fast paced. Through the magic of commercials, Kidd now has Tatsu in a headlock in the middle of the ring. Kidd goes for a punch but Tatsu counters it into a crucifix pin for a two. Kidd gets up and hits a running back elbow. Kidd hits a dropick for a two count. Chinlock by Kidd. Kidd goes to the ropes but gets a spinwheel kick to the mouth. Tatsu hits a series of chops and kicks followed up by a shining wizard for a two. Tatsu goes to the top rope but Kidd crotches him and Tatsu coughs up a testicle in the process. Super Hurracanrana by Kidd. Pin attempt only gets a two. Kidd tries to lock in the Sharpshooter but gets pushed outside the ring but still on the apron. Kidd springboards over Tatsu but Tatsu kicks Kidd in the head for the three count! Good match!
Back to the Cena/Rock thing from RAW. While this is going on I think I'm going to eat some Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Santino def. Ted DiBiase
That was some damn good cereal. Meanwhile, we get to watch this instant classic! Santino apparently gets no entrance. Both men exchange basic submission takedown holds to start this match off. After all of that, Santino wants a handshake. DiBiase walks away from it. Somewhere, a ROH fan just broke his TV/Monitor over the lack of honor shown by DiBiase screaming "El Generico would've shaken his hand!!!". Both men do the submission thing again until they stop and DiBiase now wants a handshake. Santino goes in for it but gets sucker punched. Somewhere else another ROH fan is cheering thinking back to when CM Punk once did the same thing. That same fan then breaks his TV/Monitor while screaming "WWE ruined Punks career!". ROH fans, you really need to calm down. It's only wrestl...err...entertainment. DiBiase has a headlock in on Santino after the commercial break. Santino fights out of it only to get dropkicked. Pin attempt goes for a deuce. Santino tries to get some offense in but eats a clothesline. Another failed pin attempt by DiBiase. Santino tries a sunset flip but DiBiase just punches him in the face. A trifecta of knees to the head by DiBiase leads to a trifecta of two counts in this match for DiBiase. DiBiase locks in the headlock but Santino counters with a jawbreaker. DiBiase charges and Santino goes for the boot but gets caught and beaten down in the corner. DiBiase mocks the Cobra then tries a splash in the corner but Santino moved. Both men are down on the mat. Santino hits a flurry of offense capped off by the splits hip toss thing he does. Santino goes for the saluting falling chop deal but DiBiase gets his knees up. DiBiase tries to go for Dream Street but Santino knocks him into the corner and flips him to the middle of the ring. Is it Cobra Time? YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!! BOOMSHAKALAKA!!! Santino gets the three!
Both shows were presented as what they are... C-Shows. Usually, NXT follows an episodic story structure but aside from the DiBiase/Maryse thing, there wasn't much going for it this time around. Superstars had the usual thrown together matches and with no buildup so people were probably wondering "What's the point of watching this?". If WWE is wondering why WGN doesn't want Superstars on their network, I'm guessing this is why. No Storylines, No feuds, No Segments, lower tier talent. Who would want that on their network? While NXT has really lower tier talent, at least there's a purpose to the show and the DiBiase/Maryse thing was good enough for a win. Sure, it was like watching a Browns/Bills match end 6-3 but a win is a win.
Both shows had the same amount of matches so it's easier for me to judge this one. On NXT there was Connor O'Brien vs Jacob Novak which was basic at best. The Titus/Hornswoggle vs Chavo/Young was a comedy match and while it was serviceable, I can't say it was a great comedy match by any stretch and DiBiase vs Tatsu was just a beating. Superstars had two predictable matches in McIntyre vs JTG and Santino vs DiBiase. They were okay but knowing the outcome ruins the match quality for me. It's like going to see a movie while a guy leaving the theatre tells you how the movie ends. It kills it. Luckily the Kidd vs Tatsu match could go either way and was a pretty good showing by both men. They picked up the win for Team Superstars.
Imagine working all day then you get home and all you want to do is sit down and crack open a Coke or a Beer. You go open up the can/bottle, take a sip and it's flat. That's how these shows felt to me this week and I'm someone who finds C-Shows entertaining. NXT had a trivia contest, a couple of okay at best matches, one story progressing in the show and a beatdown. Superstars had two predictable victories for Santino and McIntyre and a good match between Kidd/Tatsu. It's very hard to be entertained by that. So thanks to the Kidd/Tatsu match, Superstars wins this one.
Performer of the Week
Sure, he got his ass handed to him by DiBiase on NXT but let's look on the bright side. He's hitting on Maryse and is prominently involved in that story, technically he won against DiBiase, defeated Tyson Kidd in a match that singe handedly gave Superstars the win this week and his music makes everyone super happy! If that's not what GLEAM! Performance is about, I'm not sure what is.