Welcome to NXT. We're here with Matt Striker who introduces the Ninja Turtl...umm, whoops I mean NXT rookies. Not sure why they're called rookies, they've been on other seasons of NXT. I think they should be called Sophomores. So the NXT Sophomores line up outside the ring while Striker explains what the hell the point of this show is. Striker shows the REDEMPTION POINTS!!! and this week Darren Young has seven, Titus O'Neil has five and everyone else has zero. That's pretty pathetic that four other guys have no points to speak of. Striker then tells us that the next challenge is an arm wrestling challenge and is worth four REDEMPTION POINTS!!! Please shoot me. Well, lets get this over with.
Darren Young vs Byron Saxton
Saxton puts a hat on backwards for some reason. Darren Young had control the whole time and won in 23.7 seconds. I can't believe I'm reviewing arm wrestling.
Conor O'Brien vs Lucky Cannon
Lucky decides against arm wrestling in his robe. Cannon puts on some sanitizer before arm wrestling. It's more sanitary to do that afterwards Lucky. Lucky Cannon tries to squirt sanitizer in Conors face but that just makes rat boy angry and Conor O'Brien wins in 11.2 seconds. Damn shenanigans as Regal put it.
Jacob Novak vs Titus O'Neil
I'm sick of hearing Hornswoggle make those retarded dog/seal noises. Can somebody punt him into the fourth row or something? Novak slams Titus' arm down before the match started but that's not how this works, get back there junior! Titus O'Neil wins in 3.5 seconds. That was fast.
Looks like Titus gets a bye so we're off to the semi finals of this amazing arm wrestling competition... and by amazing I mean boring as (expletive deleted)
Darren Young vs Conor O'Brien
Back and forth contest that Conor wins. No time shown so that means it's finals time!
Conor O'Brien vs Titus O'Neil
A very audible boring chant fills the arena as Titus O'Neil wins quickly. This was probably the most in depth arm wrestling review that you will ever see and if you prove me wrong by showing me another, you are pathetic for reading other arm wrestling reviews. Good thing that's over, now to go watch paint dry for an hour to get me excited after watching that.
Now that I'm back from watching some nice mauve paint dry on a wall, time to press play. Basically it's a promo recapping the Cena vs Miz match at Wrestlemania. Not sure what Wrestlemania is but I bet it will be fantastic (Calm down, that was just an example of sarcasm).
Did you know that Over 25,000 autographs will be signe... umm, I've already done that one in a previous column so I'll make one up. Did you know that playing Homefront for PS3, Xbox 360 and PC for thirty minutes can lead to suicidal thoughts? Yeah, the game is that bad. You can't even get good value exchanging it at a GameStop/EB Games. If this game was compared to a wrestler, this game would be Glacier. Lots of hype, good entrance but is just horrible and a waste of time.
Darren Young promo video. He blames CM Punk for his failure in season one. No, you should've been Straight Edge and you would've won. He says it's time to go to work. Hopefully he brought a lunch with him, being hungry at work sucks.
Recap of the Taker/Triple H build up to Wrestlemania. They're using Mark Collies In Time song for this. Perfect song for this, love it! There were a few shots of Hunter Hearst Helmsley Greenwich snob as well as old Taker pics. Pretty good hype video.
wwe.com commercial. Why piss away money on merchandise (Unless it's merch that supports my broski from another momski, Zach Ryder) when you can spend less and get all sorts of awesome interviews and other audios at clubwwi.com? That and I have one up right now too! I wouldn't lie to you so go there and get edutainment like you've never heard before!
Commercial for Tough Enough. Lots of commercials here. The video packaging guy better be getting a raise.
Recap of the Snooki/Trish/Morrison vs Laycool/Ziggler feud. Snooki is tiny. She should be available on cruise ships as a floatation device for kids 10 and under. They also show clips from Extra and Access Hollywood about Snooks Mcgee on RAW when she did the guest host thing. Publicity rules! (Note- Sign up for clubwwi.com after reading this column and get a personal gift from yours truly... A bag of nothing! *You must have Abraham Lincolns permission before ordering your bag of nothing. Nothing may cause irregular heart beat and the excretion of kidneys. Bag not included.*)
Someone named Keri Hilson will be singing America the Beautiful at Wrestlemania. I will be singing Baby Got Back later on when I'm using the urinal at Subway but I don't see a promo for that, now do I?
Yet another promo. This is the ninth promo in a row! It's for Wrestlemania week in the Dirrty Soutth of Hotlantta. That's how those hip hop guys work right? Every word needs an irrelevent second letter of another letter beside the respective letter of said word? I'm shocked that this years Wrestlemania isn't called lil' Mania or something stupid like that. Anyways, Wednesday is Wrestlemania Art day (huh?), Thursday is the beginning of Wrestlemania Axxess, Friday is the Wrestlemania golf tournament (I bet Tyler Reks has a wicked handicap!) as well as the All-Stars challenge (probably something to do with the new video game), Saturday is the Hall of Fame and Sunday is something called Wrestlemania.
RAW Rebound. This is the 10th promo so far. It's about the Rock/Cena/Miz confrontation. Go check out RDLee's Monday Night Raw column on the main page for more information, I'm kind of lazy right now. Chocolate milk will do that to you.
Promo for the True Story of Wrestlemania DVD. That's the 11th promo in a row now. I feel like I'm watching an infomercial. Now I'm hoping to see a Zack Ryder promo about Long Island Shamwows. The Shamwow could clean up your spilled Iced Tea because it's endorsed by the Long Island Iced Z! Woo Woo Woo, You Know It!
Promo for the Hall of Fame Ceremony. We're at 12 straight promos now. I feel like I'm watching someone pitch a perfect game.... just replace game with promos. You can watch the Hall of Fame ceremony at 8pm eastern on USA Network. For all those that don't live in America, apparently you're not important enough to go see it so go screw yourself horizontally. I guess I have to as well since I live in Canada. Boo.
Recap of the Taker/Triple H confrontation on RAW. That's a bakers dozen for promos in a row. Once again, go see RDLees Monday Night RAW column for results. This is ridiculous.
Promo for WWE Magazine. That's now 14 promos in a row. Damn, this thing might reach Undertaker streak length here! Basically it features The Rock, Steve Austin and Shawn Micheals. The date on the magazine also says October 1997 on it. That explains why Shawn Micheals name in the magazine was Shawn Michealz, why they had whe "f" at the end of their scratchy logo and why the editor was called Vic Venom (aka- Vince Russo, the man Kevin Kelly thinks needs a rape whistle blown at him if he shows up near a wrestling venue).
Another Tough Enough promo. We're at 15! This one is more of a "this debuts on Monday at 11pm eastern on USA network while the rest of the world can co fornicate its collective selfs" kind of promo.
Conor O'Brien, Titus O'Neil and Byron Saxton def. Jacob Novak, Darren Young and Lucky Cannon
So it looks like all those promos are over at fifteen in a row. I'll put it to you this way. The arm wrestling contest was only about six to eight minutes long. There is about eight minutes left on this show. So on this episode of NXT, it was only relevant to the actual NXT show for about 16 minutes at the most on an hour long show. That's right, 46 minutes of just promos. I should review some infomercials someday after this. Anyways, time to review this six man tag match. Lucky Cannon and Conor O'Brien start things off. A grapple contest gets turned into a shoulder block by Conor. Pin attempt only gets a two. Conor works on Cannons arm for about a minute then tags in big Titus. Titus tries to work on the arm but Cannon counters and tags in Darren Young. Titus hits a few arm drags on DY then tags in Byron Saxton. Russian leg sweep by Saxton only gets a one count. Both men get in a flurry of offense until Young hits Saxton with a back elbow. Young throws Saxtons head into the boot of Jacob Novak. Enter: The Novak. Vertical Suplex by Novak only gets a deuce. Cannon tags himself in. Bow and Arrow submission by Cannon then he transitions into a rear chinlock. Saxton tries to fight out of it but gets pushed into the corner of his enemies. Young tags himself in. After some triple team shenanigans, Young hits a neckbreaker for a two. Novak gets the tag. Novak locks in a chinlock. Saxton fights out and gets the hot tag to Titus. Titus essentially destroys all of his enemies then hits a powerslam on Novak. Pin attempt gets stopped by Young making the save. Conor runs in and clotheslines Young out of the ring. Novak goes for the moderately big boot but gets countered into the Sky High for the three.
Time for Superstars and instead of watching more commercials that I've already reviewed I'm just going to review the matches.
Trent Baretta def Curt Hawkins
Curt Hawkins actually gets an entrance! He even has entrance music that has some words in it! Hell, even Trent Baretta gets an entrance! This is awesome on so many levels. Both men hit some charging takedown manoevers until Baretta knocks Hawkins down and hits a senton on a fallen Hawkins. Headlock by Baretta but Hawkins pushes him into the corner and Hawkins just slaps Baretta. Hey Trent, what did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP! He's Curt Hawkins, Bitch. Baretta didn't like that so he gets in a few strikes in and runs to the ropes until Hawkins slips to the outside of the ring while tripping up Baretta. Hawkins beats on Baretta on the outside then throws Baretta inside the ring so he can beat on him some more. Pin attempt only gets a one. Hawkins hits a mighty clothesline for a two count. Baretta tries to fight back but Baretta keeps beating him up with some kicks to the back. Pin attempt only goes for two. Baretta tries to fight out of a headlock but Hawkins gets the advantage again. Back body drop attempt by Hawkins but Baretta flips out of it and hits an enziguri. Hawkins tumbles outside. Baretta hits a flying senton to the outside on Hawkins. Hawkins goes back inside the ring and Baretta hits a springboard dropkick for a two count. Baretta tries to hit a tornado DDT off the ropes but Hawkins counters into a very aggresive scoop slam. Yep, you read that right. Only gets a two count. Hawkins goes for a neckbreaker but it gets reversed into a tornado DDT for the pinfall. Baretta wins...DUDEALITY!!!
Then there's all the promos I've already mentioned in my NXT report. So for your viewing pleasure, I bring to you some random videos that have nothing to do with anything to kill the time...
WHEN BADGERS GO CLUBBING!
Z! TRUE LONG ISLAND STORY EPISODE #7
HOSTED BY MY BROSKI FROM ANOTHER MOMSKI, ZACK RYDER!
...I DON'T REMEMBER THI SLIPKNOT SONG
ON THE RESIDENT EVIL SOUNDTRACK!
Hopefully you enjoyed the filler and they taught you to avoid snakes at nightclubs, buy the T-Shirt bro and that Corey Taylor has a vocal range that nobody ever expected of him. Now to our main event!
The Bella Twins and Melina def. Eve, Natalya and Gail Kim
Everybody on Superstars gets entrances today! That has to be a record. I wish that back in the day that Canada's Greatest Athlete, Iron Mike Sharpe got an entrance on Superstars. Natalya and Bella 1 start things off. Yep, I'm using the Bella 1 and Bella 2 thing since people that look alike need different attire to tell them apart and if I can't they get the numerical treatment. Bella one gets some strikes in and goes for the most inaccurate slaps in the history of slapping and Natalya catches Bella 1s pimp hand. Vertical suplex by Natalya connects and she follows it up with a dropkick to Bella 1s back for a one count. This is why I love this show, the one count happens so often. We need more one counts in wrestling. Natalya goes for the Sharpshooter but Bella 1 gets to the ropes. Too bad because Natalya just slingshots her to the mat for a one count. Bella 1 then scrambles and tags in Melina. Melina just gets scoop slammed for her troubles. Tag in to Gail Kim and Gail gets hoisted up by Natalya and connects with a splash. Pin goes for a deuce. Melina goes for a kick, misses and does the splits. So Gail Kim connects with a dropkick for another one count. Eve is happy apparently. Good for her. Gail Kim throws Melina to the corner, lunges at her horizontally while going to the apron and then jumps and sits on Melinas back. Go watch the clip and make your own analysis, that's what I saw. Gail tries to do something but gets hung up on the top rope. Gail gets thrown into the corner and Melina hits a running dropkick. Tag in to Bella 2. Tag in to Melina. They basically get a shot in then tag someone else so Melina tags back in Bella 1. Once these pointless shenanigans ends, Bella 1 locks in a chinlock. Gail tries to fight out but she gets knocked back down. Tag in to Bella 2 and they hit a double team throw Gails head into the canvas. Two count. For some reason I just got a flashback to playing Royal Rumble for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. They made funny noises when you punch someone. Moving along, Tag to Melina. Facebuster by Melina only gets a two count. Melina attempted her Last Call move (Whoa whoa whoa, wait a tic... Only alcoholics can call their Fallaway Slams Last Call, not a diva that does a flippy powerbomb thing. It's in the wrestling rulebook... Unless Melina gets jiggy with the Jack Daniels every night) but it gets reversed and Gail powerbombs Melina. Melina tags in Bella 2, Gail gets the hot tag on the Divas champ Eve. Eve goes buck nasty on both Bellas with plenty of strikes. Eve runs to the ropes but Melina pulls down the second rope and she falls to the outside. Natalya goes after Melina for tripping up her buddy while the Bellas do the swaparoo thing that they do. I refuse to say Twin Magic, that just sounds stupid. Yes, that came from a guy that said Melina gets jiggy with the Jack Daniels and I think twin magic sounds stupid. Eve falls for it and Bella 1 hits the Bella Buster for the three. For those of you that don't know what that is,
No real verdict to speak of as both of these shows primary function was to whore out Wrestlemania. The winner here is...
Performer of the Week
Whoever puts together the promo packages for WWE!
Since promoting Wrestlemania was the key focus of these respective shows, I think that the guy that put together those promo packages should win the award since his work took up most of the time on both of these shows. So thank you random guy that puts together the promo packages, you did a great job this week! Now you can get some sleep, spend time with the family and maybe feed your cats. Maybe.