Yo. It's Ralph. Jamie Kennedy is off this week. So he asked me to fill in. Bare with me because I just drank a bottle of alcohol without a label on it. My wife said it was her hair dye, but whatever. It did the trick. I'm drunk as balls and my tongue is black. Happy Birthday to me. Let's do this…

1. Primo Colon pinned Chris Masters. Hey! Chris Masters is still here. I forgot all about that Peyton Manning looking dude. Jerry Lawler likes him. He tells Michael Cole that Chris has "muscles in places where you don't even have places." Where would that be, Jerry? Does Chris have some sort of mutation? An extra thigh or something? Of course, this begs the question - how does Jerry know? Hope that doesn't come up in his mayor race. That would be a hell of a debate. "Yes, my challenger, Mr. Lawler, is not only not qualified - but he also knows about the hidden body parts of muscled up men he works with. F'n creepy." I think Primo uses the name "Primo" because his match is always on first. Sucks to be him. Note to Primo - change your name to "Main Evento." This thing was what you would expect from a match like this. Both these guys are going out of their way to get back onto the big show - Raw, not the literal Big Show…that too would be f'n creepy. After a few minutes of back-n-forth stuff, The Masterpiece tricked his opponent into a false sense of security. See where I'm going with this? No? OK. Masters baits him. HA! There it is. See what I did there? His full nelson doesn't take, though, and El Midcardo rolls him up for the pin. Is it better to lose on Raw or win on Superstars, you ask? Depends on which Colon brother you're talking to.

Lord William, Nikita Kozloff, and Bob Sapp are walking to the ring. Someone's wrestling…or hosting a bikini contest. It's hard to tell around here.

2. Goldust beat William Regal by DQ. You think Dustin Rhodes wears those pajamas around the house? Imagine you're a pizza guy and this big mamaluke in gold shiny pjs answers the door? Scary. Also, you think he still has that rat from TNA? What? Oh. It's a wrestling company - TNA. He used to work there. Anyway, Billy Regal takes it to the ratty pajama guy for most of the match. Eventually it turns into a slugfest - puches, not actual slugs. As his hired escorts in red watch from ringside, Regal worked away. It was when they got involved, though, that the disqualification came. Unable to restrain himself from punching a grown man in shiny pajamas, my man Zeke swung a fist, knocked him down, and got his English Muffin disqualified.

That's when Christian and Yoshi the little green dinosaur ran out to help. Yoshi spits an egg at him and Christian jumps on his back before riding off to safety.

Hell in a Cell video - Randy Orton hates John Cena. So do you.

Tonight on Smackdown - Batista, who just got off the big show, gets on the Big Show.

3. Michele McCool and Layla beat Maria and Melina. Akhlleeedsd9;'l. Sorry. You have to cut me some slack. I'm typing this match with one hand. I actually have a thing for Michele McCool. By "thing," I mean a pending restraining order. She's got some nerve. What's wrong with stopping by to say hello…across the street with a pair of binoculars and a tranquilizer gun? Talk about stuck up. Todd Grisham asks Jim Ross during this match if he likes Kane and Ross says, "He's not my type." Guess Michele isn't the only one with attitude. What's wrong with Kane, JR? He's a striking gentleman. He did Lita. Remember that? Got her pregnant and everything. Speaking of which, I like Maria, Layla, and Melina too. They're all hot. Then again, they have to be or else they'd be homeless. In the end, Layla covered Maria for three seconds - which is the same thing I would do. I know. It's a problem. Me quick. Want slow.

Video Segment of "Ask The Divas." The girls give advice to fans who have no one better to ask their big questions to besides braindead strangers.. This just reiterates my point about how they'd be homeless without the hotness.

At Breaking Point: Teddy Long screwed the Undertaker. He had to. Taker took him to dinner and Teddy ordered lobster. He knows the rules.

4. Matt Hardy beat Kane by DQ. Yo. Remember when these two had that big feud over Lita? Neither do they. No one cares. Why did I sit through all that stupid crap if it just doesn't matter now? It's like the Spirit Squad and Mr. McMahon's money giveaway. Whatever. Also, why is Matt Hardy so greasy? I feel like I could blacktop my driveway with his head. J.R. calls Kane a "bully" because he's a bad guy this week. I'm sure it won't be long until he's a happy go-lucky misunderstood doof. Matt just returned from a "tear in his abdominal wall." Now that's pretty gross. Not sure how he did it, but I know that's what happens when you eat broken Bud Lite bottles. How do I know this? BAM! Four holes in my abdominal wall. FOUR! Broken glass - when you're drunk - are like potato chips. You can't rip your abdominal wall open with just one. It must be painful for him. I'm sure he wishes there was something he could take to ease the pain. If only he knew someone with access to that. Anyway…Kane, who Todd says is on his "A Game" - which is funny because he's on the D Show - takes it to the greasy stomach-hole. He works on the midsection with a bear hug but gets head butted away. Forget butts, this was about nuts. Big Red Machine took Matt, crotched him on the top rope, and got disqualified for some reason. What? I mean, I know it's not cool - but a DQ? Come on. Are Matt Hardy's balls really that important?

Our show ends with red lights. Well, I'm of to call poison control about that bottle of hair dye. What I thought was a buzz at first seems to be my nervous system shutting down. Thanks for readkhsktgjnh m….AHHHHH!