So my moron nephew James Guttman calls me and he goes, "Ralph.   We need you to watch Superstars because John F. Kennedy got shot" or some shit.   No idea what he meant.   So I'm like yeah.   Who doesn't want to watch Superstars?   Demolition.   Brother Love Show.   I used to love that shit back in the day.   So I grabbed me a beer from the fridge and sat down to watch.

Anyway, the TV wasn't there and I couldn't figure out what happened.   I run outside and, I kid you not, Rick Martel was outside spraying my flowers with Arrogance cologne.   I go, "RICK MARTEL!   WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY FLOWERS?!"   He looks back at me and does this "P-U" thing with his nose and it just sends me into a rage.

So I jump Rick Martel in my garden and I'm beating on him and screaming shit about how he has Boston Crabs and stuff when suddenly Col DeBeers and the kid who played Blossom on the TV Show I forget the  name of jump out and start freakin' punching me.   So I'm swinging back and tearing them up.

I'm all done and I wipe the blood from my face and start to stumble down the street.   That's when a cab pulled near.   The license plate said, "RALPH" and it had dice in the mirror.   If anything I would say that this cab was smelly.   It smelled sort of like turkey.   Rotten turkey.   Gross.   Anyway, I laid down in the cab and took a nap.

Long story short, none of that happened.   Turns out my moron nephew laced my beer bottle with Peyote and I was tripping balls.   There was no Rick Martel, Col DeBeers, or Blossom.   Nope.   Just my mailman and two guys fixing wires for the phone company on my street.   So they're suing me now and I spent the past six days in jail.   Woe is me.  

So yeah.   The report's late.   But come on.    I was tripping on Peyote and defending my flowers from Rick "The Mailman" Martel.   Cut a brother a break.

1) The Bellas beat Katie Lea Burchill and Jill Hall

Best part about this match?   I'd do all of them.   Michael Cole did too.   He said that he knows about the   secret tattoo that separates the twins.   Michael Cole - you dirty bastard.   She still wants to be with you after Heidenreich banged you in the beanie buns?   Good for you.   Glad you didn't let that get you down.   Sex stories aside, Lawler and Cole sounded almost depressed to be there.   It was a different mood than Raw when they 're screaming constantly.   Must be nice for a change for them.   They actually got to talk about the match…and Lawler's jealousy about Mikey's diva-humping.   He doesn't let it go.   So Michael breaks into a sales pitch.

"You know the Divas are sexy, smart and powerful.   You're always on WWE.com at the Ask The Divas Section."

They should have shot to him real quick with the camera and made his teeth sparkle as he smiled.   This match ended when one of the Bellas wrapped her legs around Katie's head and…I don't know.   I paused it at that point and was distracted.   Michael Cole runs in the back to give her a congratulations-scrog.

2) Chris Masters beat Chavo Guerrero and Primo

Lawler and Cole were still going on about the f**kin' tattoos.   This time it was Eve that Michael wanted to ride like a boogey board.   What a horny little rat he is.   This match was for the honor of entering the Royal Rumble last Sunday.   Chris Masters won this match and got the chance to enter the big event…

…and then he lost.   Way to go, titty dancer.

WWE Video With Stats For The Royal Rumble.   They don't mention:
-

Zero…the number of black people who have won the Royal Rumble.

Guess we're playing down that one.

We follow this up with a Chris Jericho vs. R-Truth talking segment.    Truth tells him that he's a pimple.   It's all very stupid.   R-Truth promises to win the Royal Rumble on Sunday…

…which he doesn't.   Way to go, Ms. Pac Man.

It ends with punching.   There's no talk about Michael Cole banging chicks during this segment.   You know why?   Because Matt Striker and Todd Grisham did commentary for it.

3. DH Smith pinned Matt Hardy

TMZ.   Run away. Hurricane.   Soma.   There.   I got them out of the way.   Anytime Matt Hardy appears on TV for the next year, people are going to say those things…until his brother overshadows it with something newer.   Matt had his new best friend, Great Khali, at ringside.   They must have so much fun together doing, uh, whatever the hell they do.   Of course, Matt lost.   After the match Khali ran in to chase the Harts away and toss Matt out.

Then they ran away to TMZ and did Soma with Hurricane.

OK.   So I did it twice.   It's fun.   Shut up.   Cut me some slack, my ass is still sore from jail.

What?   No!   I meant the benches were hard!   I mean, I was passed out for a while so maybe…no!   It was the benches!  DON'T LOOK AT ME!