Hello and welcome once again to your Superstars Super Review. Bringing you the blow by blow is the Lord of the Insanity Universe, Mike Johns, who, like most of the known WWE Universe, doesn’t get WGN, and is therefore forced to sit around and wait for WWE to upload their shows to Hulu before he can write up his smart-ass review for this very website. But you already knew that, right? Okay. Moving on…

What We Missed Last Week: Vladimir Kozlov defeated Santino Marella, Goldust defeated William Regal, Cody Rhodes defeated Chris Masters, and Christian defeated Dolph Ziggler. In other words, we didn’t miss much.

And, because this is going to be necessary, let us now acknowledge the elephant in the room, and mourn the passing of Carlito Colon, as he was recently ‘Future Endeavored’ by WWE. This is especially sad, because now I can no longer refer to this show as Your Weekly Dose of Carlito Colon. It seems WWE is going out of their way to make sure I can’t come up with barely-clever nicknames for the C –Show, it seems.

So, who will we see this week? Obviously not Carlito.

JTG vs. Cody Rhodes

Striker and The Grish give us a little background on Rhodes and JTG’s history against one another as part of Legacy and Cryme Tyme, respectively. Cody comes out in a jacket that actually makes him look more like an actual member of the Rhodes Family than he has in the past. Maybe it’s me, but seeing a non-blonde with the last name ‘Rhodes’ has always thrown me a bit. Also, the fact that he’s in pretty good shape compared to his brother and his dad kind of makes it a bit strange.

The match begins with some actually wrestling, Cody going for the arm while JTG reverses into a headlock. After a bout of JTG outwrestling Cody, Rhodes takes over in the corner, stomping JTG top the mat as the ref pulls him off. JTG then takes over on Rhodes in the corner, but Cody takes over after nailing JTG with a low back kick. Gordbuster by Rhodes, followed by some nearfall attempts by JTG. Rhodes nails a dropkick for 2, then follows it up with an elbow off the middle rope to the back of JTG’s head. Cody wears JTG down to the mat with a front facelock. The more you watch Rhodes, though, and it needs to be said, the more you watch him, especially these days, the more you see the Rhodes’ Wrestling Acumen come into play. Say what you will about Dusty and the Goldust but the guys, in their prime, could work, and Cody seems to have finally found his stride as well.

JTG dropkicks Cody to regain momentum. Back in the ring, JTG takes over on Cody, nailing his trademark flipping neckbreaker. JTG tosses Cody to the ring apron and tries to knock him off, but Cody responds with a knee to the head, then rushes back into the ring to capitalize, kicking and stomping the hell out of JTG. Cody then works JTG’s arm. JTG comes back for a moment, just to get taken down again with some very Dusty-like punches by Cody. Knee drop by Cody for 2. Matt Striker takes a moment to compare JTG to Biggie Smalls and Mike Tyson as Cody works the arm. JTG attempts a comeback, hits a flipping lariat. JTG nails a mug shot for 2. A middle rope leg lariat by JTG for 2 as well. JTG goes for a suplex, but Cody makes a spectacular counter into a roll-up for 2. JTG follows up the sweetness of the previous spot with a botch of a spinning neckbreaker for 2. And, for some reason, WWE replays it for good measure, as if to say ‘This move was SUPPOSED to look sh*tty’. Cody seems to take a page out of John Morrison’s playbook with a flying kick off the middle rope, followed by a Cross Rhodes for the win as Striker recites lyrics from an old blues song I didn’t recognize.

Winner: Cody Rhodes

Yoshi Tatsu vs. Primo Colon

So, instead of our weekly dose of Carlito, seems that we’re stuck with the Diet Carlito known as Primo. A bit of lucha arm work to start the match by Primo, before going full-blown heel on Yoshi, punching him down to the mat. The crowd shares my sentiments for Primo as he nails a stiff kick to Yoshi’s back for 2. A Yoshi chant that sounds piped in via post-production rings in as Diet Carly continues his punching and kicking ways for nearfalls. A camel clutch by Primo wears Yoshi down, but Yoshi fights out. Yoshi goes for a sunset flip, but Primo rolls through and dropkicks Yoshi for 2. Primo with a leg drop for 2, then back to the Camel Clutch. Primo goes for a Lawler Fist Drop off the middle, but Yoshi puts the boots up to block. Yoshi goes kung fu on Primo’s ass, then nails the knee rush/snapmare/kick combo for 2. Shining Wizard by Tatsu for 2. Tatsu goes to the top, but Primo catches him and goes for a superplex. Yoshi knock him off and nails the flying spin kick for the win.

Winner: Yoshi Tatsu

The NXT recap… ugh. Bryan Danielson came to the major leagues to feud with a f*cking announcer. Take a moment to drink that one in, then remember, for as f*cked up as TNA is, Nigel McGuiness is AT LEAST something resembling a Main Event Talent there.

We then get the RAW Recap. Batista The Dick says his farewell after Cena nearly kills him at the Pay Per View, and Bret Hart is named the new RAW GM.

MAIN EVENT TIME!!!
Evan Bourne vs. Zack Ryder

The Long Island Iced Z takes on Matt Sydal in something resembling a Main Event (even if it is the C-Show), and Bryan Danielson’s most hated rival in WWE is doing the Play by Play. You remember when Tazz had that feud with Jim Ross? It’s like that, except that Tazz had a legitimately bad neck slowing him up. What’s WWE’s excuse with Bryan?

Bourne with the early advantage, but it turns into a fight as Z nails some knees, and Bourne responds with kicks. Z takes over, choking Evan in the ropes. Drop toe hold followed by a dropkick by Bourne for 2. Bourne with the half-crab on Z, but Z gets the rope break. Flapjack by Z followed by a knee drop for 2. Running rana followed by some kicks by Bourne. A brutal curb kick by the Z-Ryde to give him the advantage. Z wears Evan down in a crossface. Bourne rolls Z up for 2. Hotshot by Z for 2. Neckbreaker by Z for 2. Z continues the weardown on the mat, but Evan fights up. Sunset flip by Bourne for 2. Z with an axehandle to the throat to regain momentum. Snapmare/dropkick combo for 2 by Z, then back to the weardown. Z to the middle rope, but Evan nails a spinning heel kick on Z. Z goes for the Zack Attack, Bourne nails a series of kicks. Running kick to the corner to knock Z out just long enough for Evan to go Air Bourne, but Z to his feet. Evan sees this, comes down off the top, just to get kicked in the face for his trouble. Rough Ryder for 2. Z goes for the Zack Attack again, but Bourne nails the high knee then goes Air Bourne, but Z rolls out of the way. Evan crashes, and Z picks up the scraps, hitting a Zack Attack for the win.

Winner: Zack Ryder

Final Thoughts:
If anyone wonders if it’s possible for me to like a match that’s mostly punching and kicking, I need you to refer to tonight’s match with Cody Rhodes to see that, yes, the format can indeed work when done right. As you’ll notice, it’s not just a bunch of mindless striking to fill time, but, rather, a progressive assault that varies and moves the match forward. What I generally dislike about matches that are mostly strikes is the idea that, for several minutes at a time, in some cases, it seems that nothing is happening, because the heel (generally) is following a very boring and predictable pattern. Rest hold, face comes back, strike, rest hold. Later, Rinse Repeat. With your more limited workers, especially (MVP, for example), it seems to show up any time they can’t think of a way to transition between spots. Yes, I know this all sounds very technical, but you really don’t need to know most of this stuff to understand what I mean. Basically, when a match is slow, painfully predictable, and seemingly going nowhere for minutes at a time, fans tend to get extremely bored very quickly. This kind of non-psychology psychology that’s a trademark of the so-called “WWE Way” is one of the reasons why the more hardcore wrestling fan can’t stand to watch WWE some 90% of the time, and why, when we do, we’re pissed off because a guy who actually CAN wrestle an exciting, fast-paced style that’s actually exciting and entertaining is feuding with a Play by Play announcer who has a beef with the Internet fans. It’s the slow, boring matches padded out with mostly filler because (most of the time), the guys in these matches aren’t all that good anyway. It’s not exciting to watch, and it’s not entertaining in any way.

Tonight’s Main Event, on the other hand, is a perfect example of two performers who can work, who don’t need to rely on ‘filler’ in-between spots, and can make even the most mundane and predictable of patterns seem interesting. It’s also important to note that these two, despite their hard work, are still on the exact same level in WWE as the meatheads I mentioned in the previous paragraph.

I mentioned on Maverick Radio recently that Pro Wrestling was an artform, and how it’s seriously in danger of being replaced by ‘Sports Entertainment’. To clarify, how I see one to the other is as such – Pro Wrestling is the product you’re trying to sell, and Sports Entertainment is the packaging and marketing campaign you use in order to sell it. WWE’s main problem, which it’s had for as long as I can remember (the past 30 years, at least), is that it focuses too much on the package, and not enough on the product. As the largest and most influential professional wrestling organization in the world, and the outright owner of virtually every piece of the American Pro Wrestling Legacy to date, WWE has a responsibility not only to its fans, but to the Art of Professional Wrestling itself to help nurture and preserve the American Style of Professional Wrestling as a piece of our culture. By focusing more on how they present the art than the art itself, they’re actually doing a great disservice to all of us, casual and smart fan alike. Instead of presenting the best possible product, they’d rather focus on trying to make it pretty and marketable, while losing the entire point of the process – if the product is BAD, it doesn’t matter what the package looks like, or how you market it, people will eventually stop buying it.

Consider this – Dana White recently took a proverbial barrel of money in Kimbo Slice and set it on fire by tossing him out because, get this, he’s not all that great of a fighter, for the greater good of Mixed Martial Arts. Meanwhile, UFC STILL manages to kick WWE’s ass in PPV sales by an insane margin, and WWE’s closest competition in the same genre of sports and entertainment, TNA, couldn’t pull a WCW-level buyrate if all they did was broadcast Madison Rayne sex tapes instead of their usual shams of Pay-Per-Views. Why is it that Dana White, who’s competition in the MMA market is actually stronger than TNA could ever hope to be, can toss out a MONEY STAR like Kimbo for the sake of the Sport of Mixed Martial Arts, but Vince McMahon can’t toss dead weight like Chris Masters and find a way to respectfully use Bryan Danielson which doesn’t involve him in a bitchfest with an ANNOUNCER who’s spouting company lines about a section of the fanbase that refuses to accept the BULLSH*T you produce every week, and says so?

It’s continually unbelievable to me (and likely many of you reading this) that the people who more or less OWN Professional Wrestling in the United States, and are considered to be THE World-Wide Recognized Wrestling Organization on the Planet Earth by virtually anyone who even remotely is AWARE of professional wrestling, can be so utterly incompetent when it comes to the simple presentation of the product promised by the name of your organization – WRESTLING and ENTERTAINMENT.

Funny thing about entertainment, really. It’s only entertainment if it’s actually entertaining. Otherwise, it’s just a bunch of crap. Personally speaking, I don’t find slow, boring, predictable matches featuring sh*t wrestlers, poorly executed comedy sketches that aren’t funny, Guest Hosts who genuinely don’t know or even care about the show they’re even on at the moment, and feuds with announcers all that entertaining. And, believe me, I’m not the only one. This site’s very existence should serve as proof of that.