No wonder Kurt said that the next cup of coffee was on him, huh? Anyway, it’s a brand new week and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for another Monday. What will tonight’s Labor Day festivities bring? Can the Charismatic Enigma Jeff Hardy make history and capture another Intercontinental Title from The R Rated Superstar Johnny Nitro? Will the feud between Randy “Hulk Who” Orton and Razor Carlito go to another level now that their match for Unforgiven has been booked? Does John Cena have a plan in store for WWE Champion Edge or will this be the final run before he goes to Smackdown for three years? Speaking of three years, will the never-ending conflict between DeGeneration X and The McMahon Family continue on? Will there be chickens? Production trucks? Spray-paint? Oh, the possibilities are endless. Actually, that’s not true. Based on past experience, the possibilities are kind of limited to the three things that I just mentioned. Nevertheless, it’s still time for another jam-packed Monday night. So check your cell phones, wipe your nose, and freshen up your coffee. It’s time for the USA Network to take back the reigns of Raw!

Last week on Raw, Edge decided to challenge John Cena to a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match. It would be really funny if he whispered “…and guns” at the end. Then, come Unforgiven - Bam! Winner, and still champion…

Ring. Ring

This is Edge. Can I come over and have sex with you?

WWE Champion Edge is in the ring and he’s assembling - wait for it - a table, a ladder, and a chair. His music blares and do you want to know something really weird? They haven’t played the Raw Theme in weeks. I’ve been waiting for it’s return. Anyway, the focus shouldn’t be on the opening song. It should be to the Canadian sitting atop a ladder. Adam Copeland says that it’s a celebration. Why a celebration? Well it’s only two weeks until he defeats John Cena and sends him packing to the CW Network’s Smackdown program. Copeland says that it’s fitting because CW stands for Cena’s chances at the PPV - “Can’t Win!” (JG Note: I’m sure the CW Network people are just loving that. Good work, Vince. Alienate the network before they even debut! What is that? Some new record you‘re going for?) Adam goes on to say that the pay show will be in his hometown of Toronto and will feature his specialty - a TLC Match. Here’s the R-Rated Superstar’s take on why The Doctor of Thuganomics “CW” at Unforgiven:

“You see a TLC match doesn’t exactly cater to John’s strengths which are basically hitting the ring and swinging his fists blindly like a retarded gorilla! No you see a TLC match involves skill. It involves agility, skill. It involves smarts. But speaking of smarts, I lost you people at ‘ladies and gentlemen’, didn’t I? I’m literally talking over your heads right now. So let me dumb it down for ya’ll and let me show you exactly what Cena is up against at Unforgiven. Feast your eyes on this. “
           - Edge, 9:05pm

My eyes feast away on a video package, cut like a movie trailer, to detail the success of Edge in TLC matches. It was actually pretty good.

When we return from the video, Edge tells John that after the pay per view, he’ll be on Smackdown “fighting men in dresses and Michael Cole to resume his giant man-crush for you.” The Champion goes on about his definite upcoming victory and seems to really be getting into it when suddenly…oh sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

John Cena is here and he’s got a hankering for a little ladder-shaking. With the reigning champ precariously positioned above, Cena lunges to knock him off. Copeland opts to jump on to him with a cross body, but gets caught. With the crowd cheering, Dr. Thuggy hoists The R Rated Superstar up in an F-U and slams him straight through the table. The somewhat irritating theme music of John plays over the P.A. as the segment comes to a close. For the second week in a row, WWE has handled this feud really well.

Commercial Break. If you don’t buy Castrol GTX, then the people who work for them are going to pour sludge all over your car while you’re in it. I don’t know what type of messed up threat that’s supposed to be.

Paint my face…paint a wall…paint my face…paint a wall? Hmmmm. Which one to do? This age-old question has obviously been posed by Jeff Hardy as the newly returned purple-haired wonder is now painting a wall. Literally. He’s got a roller and he’s painting a wall. There also doesn’t appear to be any paint on the brush. When Maria approaches and inquires as to what he’s doing, Jeff says that he’s watching Johnny Nitro and Melina’s Press Conference from last week. Mary responds, “It looks like you’re watching paint dry.” To this, Hardy says “Exactly.” He hands her the brush and then runs off. Ooooo. Snap. Snap.

1) Jeff Hardy defeated Johnny Nitro via disqualification

So far this show has been flowing really well. I know you’re not supposed to say that or else you jinx it. So if it sucks after this point, then I apologize. Jim Ross decides that his way of making me feel old this week will be to point out how it’s been 11 years since the Monday Night Wars. Nice, Jim. Just as I was letting that sink in, Ross jumped in with another attention stealer when he mentioned past IC Champs and admitted that Jerry Lawler was Honky Tonk Man’s cousin. I think that was the first time they said that on-air. I could be wrong, but I don’t remember hearing them say that before. As for the match itself, there was one pretty strange spot. Both guys were down and the ref started the ten count. The crowd even got into it. (JG Note: I bet most people there had no idea what the hell was going on and just wanted to count along with the ref. The ref could have been naming the kids in the Brady Bunch with each hand raise and the audience would have screamed “Bobby! Peter! Greg!”) Strange as it was, that double countout tease was the start of an upswing for the match. After some near falls, Jeff hit Johnny with a Twist of Fate and looked all but ready to score the pin. The ref counted one. The ref counted two. Just as the ref came down for three, Melina slid in and grabbed his arm. Ding, ding, ding. Section 2, Page 389 of the WWE Rulebook States - Sliding ladies grabbing referee’s arm = automatic disqualification.

After the bell, The Hardy Boy reacted with violence. He Twisted Nitro’s Fate once more and then nailed him with the Swanton Bomb. MN grouped together outside with the Intercontinental title. Jeff’s music played, but Mr. J.N. was still the Champ.

Later tonight - DX and The McMahons will explode!

Up next - Trish Stratus will say goodbye to her fans. They should make a music video for her and use that Shawn Michaels “Tell Me A Lie” song. Ah. Everyone has a favorite part of that video. Mine was when Dean Douglas yanked the Intercontinental Title from him in slow motion while he stared down with his bruised face. I realllliiiiizeeee…you have to walk away. No more yesterday…

Commercial Break. Tomorrow night - DeGeneration X face Big Show in a handicap match! Show says no one can beat him. The whole thing works if you forget the fact that Big Show has been pinned by such people as: Rhyno, Bradshaw, Bubba Ray Dudly, Shane McMahon, Carlito, Big Bossman, Kurt Angle, Kane, Edge, The Rock, and, of course, Triple H…by himself…in January of THIS YEAR!

Trish Stratus is walking along backstage when she meets up with the WWE Women’s Champion Lita. Leets mocks Trish’s announcement and the two exchange some hard looks and trash talk. Strats told Leetles that she was actually going to the ring to make one challenge. That challenge is one last time - Amy Dumas vs. Stratus for the Women’s Title! Lita agrees to the stipulation and is met with more anger. Trisha responds, “As a good friend of mine used to say - Just Bring It, bitch.”

This, of course, leads to a brawl. The friend she’s speaking of is, of course, Charles Nelson Reilly.

Suddenly the men show up and we have an all new brawl on our hands. Carlito arrives and is quickly assaulted by Randy Orton. Randall swings away as if Carly was the guy who narced him out. Cool and Orton slam one another into the metal door backstage, officials step in, and we go back to J.R. and The Honky Tonk Man’s cousin at the announce table.

The announcers are excited about “The Marine” starring John Cena. It opens on Friday the 13^th. Also, it was filmed underneath a ladder. John Cena’s trailer was positioned right in front of a shelter for black cats. Oh…oh…and before they shot the final scene, Cena drove a bulldozer through a mirror factory.

Lita is doing her best Sharon Stone Casino impression backstage with John Coachman. John is trying to calm her down, but Miss Amy is going coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs. She pounds away on Mr. McMahon’s door, eager to get his attention. She eventually does…but it’s the younger Mr. McMahon. In his Boss Hogg suit, Shane emerges and listens to her gripes. She tells the tale of Carlito and Trish and is given a solution. Tonight it could be Lita and Randy Orton versus Carlito and Trish Stratus. Good? The Women’s Champion tries to talk Shane-o out of it by saying that she can’t be without her boyfriend, Edge. Hmmm. Good point, chick. Let’s make it a six-person tag match instead. It’s you and your boyfriend teaming up with the Legend Killer against…Carlito, Trish Stratus, and John Cena. Beliedat. Now bounce.

The Rated R Manager walks away, leaving Shane-o Mac and John-o Coach to talk. John takes the opportunity to kiss Little Mac’s ass, but it doesn’t get him far. Shaney turns around leaves him standing there with a dumb look on his face.

Commercial Break. The Rock will host a sneak peak of his new film, Gridiron Gang, next Monday after Raw. Nice. We got him to agree to being on after Raw. That’s a start. Let’s just get him to agree to go on earlier little by little until he’s eventually back.

Chris Masters is here and he’s prepared to give a promo. Why? For starters, I guess, to prove he’s really Chris Masters. Secondly, he wants to challenge anyone in the locker room to…

Cue Super Crazy.

Vince?

No. Super Crazy.

You’re losing me. Who? Warrior? Chyna?