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WWE-Mail

TO: BDavis@Johnsonelementary.edu

SUBJECT: Steve Austin

Dear Little Billy Davis,

Recently it was brought to the attention of World Wrestling Entertainment that you were in a fight on the school playground. At one point during the altercation, you reportedly said:

"I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin and I'm gonna give you a Stunner. Now give me a Hell's Yeah."

After this, you reportedly gave the other boy a Stunner and started to wrestle around until Mrs. Seymore, the lunch monitor, broke it up and made you both go sit against the wall until the bell rang.

As you know, Billy, World Wrestling Entertainment owns the rights to the name "Stone Cold" Steve Austin as well as his likeness. Your act on the playground is considered an infringement upon that right and something which we take very seriously.

While we understand that it might appear to be bad publicity for us to legally go after a third grader, we must do what we feel is right. We won't sue you, though. The newspapers would have a field day with that. Here's what we'd do, Billy. If we hear about you infringing upon our trademarks, then we're gonna come to your school and slap you in the face. Then maybe we'll throw your mother on some concrete and sell your dog to the school cafeteria. Huh? Sound good? You know what, Billy, that's the thing, man. We don't give a f**k about going to jail. We're crazy like that. Cause we'll smash your head in and get arrested. Big deal. Just around the time that we're coming out of jail, you'll be coming out of your coma. Then we'll bash your head in again. Do you feel lucky, Billy? You little punk ass.

Love,

WWE

PS: Please enjoy the enclosed coupon for a free dinner at WWF New York. It expired three years ago. Go f**k yourself.

***

TO: Dotherightthing@Spike.com

SUBJECT: We heard…

Dear Spike Lee,

We want to let you know that while we were on Spike TV, we heard them say that the name of the channel was actually based on you. We thought you'd like to know. Maybe you should sue them. While you're at it, sue UFC President Dana White too. Sue everyone for punitive damages that they're giving you.

Love,

WWE

PS: In case you decide to tune in and see our product, we just ask that you mute the television during the promos for a guy named Kerwin White. Thanks.

***

TO: TheDudleyBoys@unappreciated.org

SUBJECT: (No subject)

Dear Devon Hughes and Mark LoMonico,

World Wrestling Entertainment requests that you no longer use your hands when wrestling. As you may remember, your hands played a critical role in your WWE gimmick (picking up tables, picking up opponents, punching, etc). Therefore, we call dibs, which means you can't use them anymore. WWE also reserves the right to request the amputation of said hands and their subsequent return to Titan Tower should you sign with TNA.

Love,

WWE

PS: We have enclosed two Dudley Boys T-Shirts from Shopzone with this letter. If you wear them, you're infringing on copyright. So you can't even wear them. That's why we gave them to you. Ha ha! Get it? It's like an ironic slap in the face. Ah. That's good stuff.

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TO: The Internet

SUBJECT: Raw!

Dear Wrestling Websites:

Vincent Jenner, Stamford, Missouri (11.0) - (Thumbs WAY UP!) Best Match: All Worst: None. Great Raw tonight! I hate how everyone says that they don't get it cause they do. Also I didn't think that the show was as bad as other people said it was. Sure some things happen on TV, but people shouldn't whine about it. The only thing I missed on the show was Triple H! We need him on the show more. Oh, wait. I missed more than just him, I missed Stephanie on TV too! Why don't we get Stephanie? I mean the divas they have now are good and everything but Stephanie was so hot. I loved her. I hated Chyna and Bruno Sammartino though. Chris Masters is better then Randy Savage was. Great Raw. Great!

Love,

WWE

Vincent Brenner

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TO: Tigolbitties@hooch.net

SUBJECT: Yuck

Dear Smackdown "anonymous" Diva,

For starters, please do not send emails to this address without specifying your name. Regardless, World Wrestling Entertainment can not do anything in response to your complaint. We remind you that when you were hired, you were explicitly told to not make eye contact with Randy Orton.

We apologize for your ruined lunch but can't do anything to help you "get that taste out of" your mouth.

Love,

WWE

***

TO: CorpGrouplist

SUBJECT: FWD: FREE MONEY!

Hey! We're not sure if it works, but we'll find out soon! Mmmmm Riblets! LOL : )

>To: FWD list

>Subject: FREE MONEY!

>Ujally I delete these things, but my friend did it and it totally worked.. After you read this email, you must fire 12 employees within one week, the President of Applebees will send you a $100,000 gift certificate and help save a little girl who needs a kidney. So go and fire people quick! OMG! Will all be ritch!!!

***

TO: Dpuder@lostmillions.org

SUBJECT: BIG PUSH!

Hey Daniel!

Congratulations! World Wrestling Entertainment has a great idea for your character and plan on giving you a huge push! We wanted to give you a heads up and let you know so that you could get excited about this terrific opportunity! The new doors that are opening for you will be sure to give you a long and profitable career in the WWE!

Love,

WWE

PS: We're just f**kin' with you. You're fired.

*********

Oh WWE with their sense of humor. Tough Enough winner today. Unemployed Indy the next. Hey, maybe his girlfriend can cheat on him with someone. Then he can return! That's what brought Matt Hardy back to the dance. The winless jilted lover of Lita is in attendance tonight. What will he have in store for Edge and his ex? Has Big Show finally met his match in the form of baby-killer Gene Snitsky? Does Chris Masters have what it takes to finally pull his Lex Express into the parking lot and take out Shawn Michaels once and for all? Will Ric Flair grab him some of Carlito Cool's apples again? Oh wait, I have an idea! Maybe he'll stick his thumb up Carlito's ass….you know, to inflict pain. Not to inflict pleasure. That would be perverted or gay. If he does it to cause pain, it's perfect alright. Hey! Maybe he'll try to choke Carl to death with his tongue. That would be a great way to inflict pain! Hooray! Sit back, raise your feet, and grab your sack…of potato chips. It's Monday and, by God, it's Raw.

(1) Edge & Gene Snitsky defeated Matt Hardy & Big Show when Edge pinned Hardy This one started out as a singles match between Edge and Show. At first I was sort of taken back by the whole thing. I mean, Edge and Show wasn't a match that's been run into the ground. In fact, it was a surprisingly fresh match. So WWE decides to give it away as the opener to Raw with little or no buildup. Strange. Turns out that it was even worse that that. WWE planned on making it into a tag affair. The highlight of this match was John Coachman doing a play on the word "coming." That should tell you something. The pseudo-match ended with Adam Copeland up for the Showstopper choke slam. Suddenly, Big Show found himself jumped by Gene Snitsky. A melee ensued - a Pier Six Brawl, if you will - with Matt Hardy arriving to make the save. Yes, you read that right. Matt Hardy was coming to save somebody. Good ol' V1 - He's just like Superman…if Superman got beat up a lot.

Eric Bischoff ain't down with that. In fact, he makes his presence known by appearing on the ramp and ordering this match to continue. Only now it will be a tag team match! Yeah, that old gag. Anyone else feel like this has been overdone in the last few years? It has, right? I feel like it's the go-to thing now. They want to do a tag match, so they do a singles match, have interference, then make the GM declare it a tag match. Anyway, that's what they did here.

The match continued and now it was a tag team match. No one signed any contracts during the break, so it makes you wonder how this contest can be official. If it is official, it makes those contract signings seem stupid. That's neither here nor there. Point is that Matt Hardy finally had a chance to take down Arch Enemy Adam. He could finally show the world the next phase of his five part plan for success. We would all be silenced as Matt Hardy would finally prove to the world that he's not getting buried. How did he do this?

He got pinned…by Edge…again.

Oh but wait, there's more! Following the decision, Hardy was lifted up by Copeland, who handed him to Lita. Leets took Matt's head in her arm and gave him the Twist of Fate. Yup. That's what happened. Jim Ross lamented over Matthew's Hard Luck and I had to smile. Why? In the early '90s, the GWF had a wrestler named Manuel "Hard Luck" Villalobos. His gimmick was that he had crappy luck. No joke. The announcers would talk about him during his matches and it was never good. He was mugged at the airport. He lost his luggage. All sorts of crappy things happened to this guy outside the arena. Then he'd come to work and lose. That was his thing. WWE has redone this gimmick a few times since then and Matt is the latest Manny Villalobos. There's no two ways around it, a guy who's gimmick is that he has bad luck has two options. He either continues to suck forever and announcers talk about his poor luck until he's eventually fired or he comes back and becomes a superman bent on revenge. Companies usually hope for the latter, but most of the time end up with the first one.

Coming up tonight: Chris Masters faces Ric Flair. Then, John Cena takes on Tyson Tomko and Kurt Angle.

Commercial Break. I get that the M&Ms Amazing commercials are supposed to be all cutesy with the people bending their bodies into pretzels. What I don't get is why the wrapper opens by itself when they do. Is it possessed? Is it alive? I don't eat candy bars that are alive. To be honest, it's pretty freaky.

Shawn Michaels is doing one of those Monday Nitro at-the entrance interviews with Todd Grisham. He dances up to the grinning interviewer and then turns his attention to the Titantron so he can watch footage of last week's fight with Chris Masters. (JG Note: Kind of sucks for him to have to do this interview, where he has to watch the big screen, from the ramp. It must be like sitting front row at a movie theater with a super-huge screen. If he was in the ring, it might be easier on his neck. Just looking out for you, Shawn. Would sure stink to get sidelined with a Titantron-viewing injury.)

Footage of Shawn Michaels getting the Masterlock Challenge. HBK used some pretty unorthodox means to break the hold, finally choosing to actually vibrate uncontrollably until Chris released it out of pure confusion.

The Boy Toy is aware of the Masterpiece's youth and strength. That's why he questions his own sanity for agreeing to take the Masterlock Challenge. Why did Shawn do that? Well, he did it because he's the "Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels." He believes he is superhuman and capable of more than mere mortals. No joke. That was his reason. He also guesses that this is why Masters hates him. He hates Shawn because of his special powers. That's why you jumped him, kid. Now you get a shot at the Showstopper at Unforgiven, but needed to take things a little a step too far. Well, according to HBK, he "became famous for taking things one step too far." (JG Note: Is that what Michaels became famous for? I always thought he was famous for taking a large role in helping to ruin Bret Hart's life.) Well, forget all that, Masterino. You're gonna have your hands full with the 16 time….

"Whooo! Whooo! Whooo! Whooo! Whooo!"
                                - Ric Flair, 9:28pm

Shawn tried to introduce Ric Flair, but was drowned out early by Ric repeating his Whoo catchphrase. It was pretty weird with all the whooos. I kept waiting to hear the little kid say, "Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of Tootsie Pop?" Funny moments of the promo included Flair telling Chris Masters, "You're 24," right after Michaels had said he was 22. Also, Flair was wearing the Phyllis Diller robe. This isn't a diss on Flair. I'm not talking about whether or not he actually looks like Phyllis Diller. I'm talking about the robe itself. It looks like something she would have worn on the Tonight Show. Naitch doesn't say much. It's generic threats against Carlito and Masters followed by some strutting and whooing.

Tonight: John Cena faces Chris Jericho & Carlito Kurt Angle & Tyson Tomko.

We watch a video package that tries to make sense of the fact that John Cena is once again booked in a tedious handicap match and then we go to commercial.

Commercial Break. Ultimate Spiderman is coming to game systems. He's just like the old Spiderman except for the fact that he now dislikes most minorities.

(2) Shelton Benjamin defeated Kerwin White via disqualification Kerwin had a hanger with him for this match. He hung his sweater on a hanger. Get it? Ha ha ha! That's because white people hang their clothes up when they're not wearing them! Ha ha ha! Not like black people or Mexicans! They just throw that shit right on the floor! Ah ha ha ha! That's such a white thing to do! Hanging up clothes. Oh man. It's funny cause it's true, you know? Anyway, I was falling asleep during this match which is totally depressing considering the strong showing Benji had at WrestleMania. I feel like it's been all downhill since he lost to Chris Masters. Not using Shelton in a more pronounced role is a big mistake. He's gone from being a solid performer with a good push to a wrestler who participates in feuds based upon his skin color. Hey, look at the bright side. At least now, Booker T finally has someone to split the workload with. Match ends when White beats Benjamin with his golf club for the finish. Amazing.

We go to an extreme close-up of Kurt Angle cutting a promo on John Cena. He's going to take everything away from John. He asks that the Doctor of Thuganomics think about it and fear it.

Commercial Break. Remember that horrible Ring of Honor commercial I bitched about last week? They played it again.

Torrie Wilson, Candice Michelle, and Victoria march to the ring. Unfortunately, that wasn't the big story here. The big story is that Jerry Lawler did an at-the-announce-table commercial for BOD Body Spray. He sprayed it on himself and said that it was great. Yeah, because that's what the young boys of today want. They want to smell like a 50 year old man. I mean, let's be honest here. Who doesn't?

The dancer, the GoDaddy dancer, and Mrs. Kidman take center ring and call out Ashley. Yo, Ash. Bring yourself out here. The new PMS has a very special surprise for you tonight. The Raw Diva Winner accommodates them and appears on the ramp. Always the witty one, Torrie calls her "Punky Brewster" and invites her to get in the ring. Why? Well, because all this has been a long initiation process. Now come in the ring and give everyone a big high five! Stunned, Ashy says that she's not dumb. Seriously, she's not. Instead of opening herself up for another three-on-one attack, she has backup. Her back up has a belt. Her backup is…

Trish is back and I totally forgot that she was Women's Champion. She rushes the ruing and the crowd responds pretty well. There's a brief scuffle with Victoria, but Stratus is then grabbed by Wilson from behind. Candice tried to capitalize but is speared by Ashley! It's madness! Madness! After what seemed like a lifetime, Vicki finally gets to her feet and attempts to clothesline the Torrie-held Trish. Strats does that Matrix thing she does and Toria ends up hitting TW with the blow. She falls and Vick looks stunned. She turns and is hit by a Chick Kick from the Women's Champion. Trish stands tall and Candice returns to the ring...with no pants on. She's in her panties and turns to run. Ashley then sort of grazes Candy with her arm, JR calls it a "clothesline," and Michelle sells it like it killed her. Eh. It's all good. At least Stratus is back.

Commercial Break. TNA again gets airtime during Raw. This time they ain't bringing cookies, Vince. They're bringing Spike Lee and the Octagon. It's them against you and the Dog Show People. Ding, ding, ding. Let the games begin.

(3) Ric Flair defeated Chris Masters via disqualification This match was alright. Surprisingly, Flair was actually kept on level with Masters for the duration of the contest. It sort of proved why I felt that Ric doesn't need to grab another wrestler's groin in order to get an upper hand. The Ric Flair character is consistently put into the same league with men much younger than he his. He usually keeps up with them, if not excelling them. I'm not saying that in terms of wrestling-work either. I'm talking character-wise in terms of storytelling. The Flair character routinely wrestles on the same level with his opponents in the fantasy wrestling world. This match was surprising because I expected it to be a bit more of a squash given Chris's current superpush. At one point in the match, JR says that "Ric Flair is a master psychologist." (JG Note: He is? Wow. You learn something new everyday. ) In the end, we had Naitch locking the Masterpiece in his Figure Four Leglock and appear to have the victory sewed up. Instead of getting submission, Flair got Carlito Appleface and a trip to Knuckle Junction.

Cool pounded away on Ric and the ref called for the bell. Then, like an angel, Shawn Michaels flew to the ring to make the save. He's just like Superman…if Superman wore leather chaps. He wasn't much help, though. After ramming SuperShawn into the ring post, Masters hooked in his patented Full Nelson. Despite chants from the capacity crowd, HBK found himself locked in the Masterlock until he passed out. JR urges us to tune into Unforgiven and see if the Boy Toy can finally get revenge on Chris Masters. Hmmm, I dont know. It sounds intriguing. Not sure if it sound $35-intriguing, though.

Smackdown Rebound: In New York the first episode of Friday Night Smackdown aired on Saturday Night. I was worried it was going to cause some sort of wormhole or crack in the space/time continuum and devour us all. Luckily, that didn't happen.

Commercial Break. Principal Steven Harper from Boston Public stars in "Roll Bounce." It's a new movie about all the fun things you can do with a handball. (JG Note: I'm only guessing. I wasn't really paying attention to the commercial all that much.)

Why are you crying?

Her? Nah. She's not crying because she misses William. She's crying because he peed on her.

(4) Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch defeated William Regal & Tajiri when Cade pinned Tajiri Wow. The crowd was so explosive you could hear a pin drop. The thing that gets me about all this is that it has nothing to do with Trevor or Lance. I mean, it has a little to do with Trevor and Lance. Murdoch isn't the most fluid performer on the planet, but that's fine. With his look, WWE should be able to hide that easily. This isn't about their in-ring ability. This is about Cade and Murdoch being brought to the show and immediately being plugged into long drawn-out tag matches. People want a new team or wrestler to debut with a bang. Have them attack Hurricane and Rosey. Have them beat up a plant. Do something entertainment-related. Then you can have them wrestle prolonged contests against B-Teams. To do it the other way around is to have the new team debut with a whimper and bore people right off the bat. That's no fun. Highlight of this one was Big Trev making constipation faces. He looked like he was trying to imitate Stan Hansen's grimace, but it came out looking like a kindergartener pouting. Making matters worse, the teaming of William Regal's Ex-Children wasn't a great move. They didn't come off like a fresh pairing who hit a snag in their first tag match. They came off like two thrown-together mid card guys that should be used better than this considering the history that's been put into their characters. The finish saw Murdoch hit the Japanese Buzzsaw with a sit-down power bomb. Garrison came off the top rope with a Randy Savage elbow. Three seconds later, the Young Pistols take the victory.

Up next: Poop versus Bestiality & a jacked-up version of the guy from Anthrax.

Commercial Break. The new movie Cry Wolf sets out to make us afraid of Instant Messaging. For any guys out there who have had stalker girlfriends on AOL, you already know how frightening they can be.

We're back and Lita has a microphone. Edge stands by her side as she laughs about the Twist of Fate she gave her ex-boyfriend earlier. Edgy tells Hardy that he's now at the Devil's Pulpit. What life does Version 1 have left? He lost his woman. He lost his job. Sure he came back, but he got beat like a bitch when he did, so that doesn't count. Come on, Mattitude. You paint yourself as a hero? Well, Edgehead vows that this story will not end happily. It ends at Unforgiven in a steel cage. One request, Dot Com Boy. Come the PPV, when you're laying in a heap, wipe the blood from your eyes, and look at Adam's woman. Cause you'll be kissing your career goodbye. This, naturally, leads to Edge and Lita giving each other big floppy kisses.

Kerwin White Eric Bischoff is on the phone in the Leather Couch room. He's approached by John Cena, who admits that he's tired of fighting for his life on Raw. In fact, JC is going to leave the show. (JG Note: He's going to take his ball and go home. He's lost his smile. They screwed him, the lousy bastards screwed him.) From here we watch John give up the title and offer to leave. When Easy E tries to take it from his hands, Cena calls him a "stupid son-of-a-bitch." The C-Man then goes on a tear and calls Eric a variety of names including:

Blackbeard - the Butt Pirate

Telly Savalas

The American Zero

Frosty Top - The Turd Burgler

Gee, I wonder why he has the reputation of being juvenile. Nothing says "Street Thug" like "Turd Bugler." The crowd doesn't pop for any of these names. No matter. He brought them back to his side by mentioning "Little Rock" once more before spouting off the "Champ is Here" catchphrase. When all else fails, say the name of the city. Always say the name of the city.

Kurt Angle hits the ring. He awaits John Cena. You await with some acommercials.

Commercial Break. The Burger King can sprint across a football field. I guess he doesn't eat his restaurant's food all the time after all. If he did, he'd be dead after three steps.

(5) WWE Champion John Cena defeated Kurt Angle & Tyson Tomko when he pinned Tomko Right. Whatever. I'm totally amazed that WWE continues to put Cena in boring situations like this. Handicap matches are played out. There was a time when you'd get an occasional two on one or three on two. Now it's every other week. I wish they would realize that gimmick matches like ladders and tables aren't the only types of gimmick matches that can get tiring if repeated. I also wasn't into this because of the early push of Tomko. Rather than elevating him in the eyes of fans by putting him in high-profile matches, you make him seem forced. What's worse, he's the one jobbing again. It just makes him look bad and does nothing to help his push. Instead, it 's counterproductive. Better you wait three months before putting Tyson in matches like this. It'll mean more then. Eh. No matter. This thing was a repeat from last month, right down to Eric Bischoff screaming in the corner. Guess what? Surprise, surprise - the outnumbered side of the handicap match won. Tommy Co ran in for a kick but the Champ moved out of the way. The boot landed on Angle and Cena hit the F-U. Tyson falls to the mat and three seconds later, the Champ picks up another handicap win.

That's the least of his problems though. John should have prepared himself for the post-match activities. Kurt regained his composure and viciously attacked him. He ravaged the Champ with forearms, hit an Angle slam, and landed a knee to the groin. Coach wondered how someone could not enjoy this. (JG Note: Did he mean this as in the attack or this as in the whole show? If he meant the whole show, I'm sure there's plenty of people who can explain it.) From there, Kurtis zeroed in on the ankle and appeared to break the Thuganomic Doctor's bones in the process. Eric Bischoff then crawled into the ring and got in JC's face, claiming to be bigger than him. Bisch calls him a piece of garbage, Angle celebrates, and Cena coughs as the cameras fade to black.

All in all… Inconsequential. You could have missed tonight's show and not missed a damn thing. With a pay-per-view on the horizon, WWE is on auto-pilot or at least it feels that way.

Cade and Murdoch are on the fast track to the World Tag Team Titles and the audience will sit on their hands during the ride. While I personally enjoy the characters, I can't say that they're grabbing the crowd by the boo-boos. Sadly, WWE will have better luck pushing the non-over Lance and Trevor instead of the buried current Champs, Hurricane and Rosey. Stand back, there's apathy coming through. Know what I mean?

John Cena must feel like he's in the movie Groundhog's Day. How many friggin' handicap matches does this guy have to wrestle? Can they come up with some sort of new way to push his conflicts? I can't help but feel like he's been doing the same thing over and over since he got to Raw. Maybe his next feud can be against Chris Masters and a random partner. They can fight in handicap matches while Eric Bischoff sits at ringside. That'll be a nice change of pace.

Speaking of Masters, his push continues although tonight's screw job finish was enough to make any fan groan. While I understood the point, I didn't like that they had just finished a match with a DQ prior to it. Two DQs in a row is never a good idea. But hey, at least people reacted to this match. Ol' Muscley Arm Flair still has enough to give the fans what they want. When he wants to wrestle, he can still do that. Maybe that's why I have a problem with him looking for strange ways to inflict pain below the belt. He shouldn't have to. Tonight's match showed exactly how his character is portrayed and it's not as some old man that isn't able to perform anymore. It's as a wrestler equal to and above men half his age.

Shelton Benjamin-Kerwin White. Ugh. Ugh. It's all about racism. No two ways about it. It's almost sad to picture the planning for this. When push comes to shove, this is no different than Hassan's character. WWE is keenly aware that there's going to be fans out there who won't necessarily boo a wrestler because he appears to be racist against blacks. I know the rationale is that Kerwin is a bad guy, but the company knows that this angle will appeal to some people in a different way and they're OK with it. I'm not saying you, yourself, can't watch and enjoy the feud, understanding who to boo and cheer. You can enjoy the Kerwin character. You can like this feud. That's fine. Just don't try to convince yourself it's something it's not. It's WWE putting a middle-class white(ish) wrestler in there against a black wrestler. With catchphrases like "If ain't white, it ain't right," I doubt a racist fan is really going to back Benji. I know that. You know that. Vince knows that. Let's just be for real about it.

Trish Stratus came back tonight. It's the only thing on the show that really mattered. It'll be interesting to see her work a feud with Torrie Wilson. On a side note, I completely forgot she was the Women's Champion for a while there. In fact, I forgot there was a Women's Champion at all.

There wasn't much going on tonight, folks. Order the pay-per-view. That was the point of the show. Know what? It didn't even do too good a job of that. In fact, if I wasn't writing about wrestling and mandated to watch the damn thing, I wouldn't. Altogether, tonight's Raw wasn't horrible, but it was more bad than good. As I said earlier, hopefully this is all auto-pilot until we go to USA. Hopefully…

Thanks for reading! See you next week!