Ladies and gentlemen, in a stunning AM Raw Report coup, I was able to land one of the most accomplished and respected professional wrestling broadcasters of all time, Good Ol’ J.R. I caught up with Good Ol’ J.R. recently and got some insight as to how he’s been doing, his reaction to Vince McMahon’s latest smear campaign, and his reasons for deciding to go public for the first time since his on-air firing, right here on Mike Nicolau’s AM Raw Report.
Mike: So, J.R., tell us why you’re here.
J.R.: Why am I here? I’ll tell you why I’m here. ’Cause that horse’s ass Vince McMahon didn’t think I was pretty enough to be on TV anymore. Didn’t think Good Ol’ J.R. had what it took to reel in that coveted young-male demographic that he lusts. In a nutshell, I’ve been demoted.
Mike: Demoted to Mike Nicolau’s AM Raw Report?
J.R.: That’s right. He doesn’t want to fire me, ‘cause I might end up going to the competition. I’ve busted my ass in this business for thirty damn years, and this is where it got me. I get to comment on WWE AM Raw on a website that no one‘s ever heard of. And for a guy who couldn’t write his way out of a wet paper bag. I’m talking about you, Michael. I’ve read your stuff. I know corpses with more talent. You truly are the bottom of the internet wrestling barrel. With all due respect.
Mike: Oh. Um, okay. Well, it’s great to have you here. Why don’t you tell us about some of your favorite moments in the wrestling business.
J.R.: (sarcastically) Well, this has got to be right up there with calling some the all-time classic matches, like Ricky Steamboat vs. Ric Flair, and The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin. I mean, it don’t get no bigger than this.
Mike: I feel like you’re mocking me.
J.R.: (mockingly) No, no. This is tremendous. I’ve just been in a real sour mood for the last few weeks. That’s understandable, no? Even for a dimwit like you?
Mike: Well, I, um, sure. Yeah, I understand. I know if James Guttman was pulling household objects out of my ass on his weekly Radio Free Insanity, I’d be pretty pissed off about it.
J.R.: I bet you would be, Michael. I bet you would. Let me ask you, something, Michael. Have you ever poured your heart and soul into a job, only to be mocked and ridiculed by the very people whom you’re working so hard to please?
Mike: Well, James called me a blithering idiot who has no business even looking at a keyboard, after he read last week’s AM Raw Report. That was pretty embarrassing.
J.R.: So then you know how J.R. feels. I’m hot. In fact, I haven’t been this hot since I brought Big Daddy Cool Diesel and Razor Ramon back to the WWF in ‘96. You remember that, don’t you, Michael? After Kevin Nash and Scott Hall went to WCW and caught fire, Good Ol’ J.R. was the scapegoat for one of the biggest disasters in the history of this business. I’m the guy who introduced the world to the fake Razor and Diesel. Good ol’ delusional J.R. What an ass. Let’s all laugh at him now.
The bottom line is, I just want to do my damn job. I want to be a wrestling announcer. That’s it.
Mike: Well then, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s how it’s going to go down: We’ll both watch WWE AM Raw this Saturday morning; I’ll type up the results, and you send me your commentary on the show. Don’t hold anything back. It’s freedom-of-expression as far as the eye can see around here. I can say anything I want, J.R., and there’s nothing that that [removed due to unflattering and hurtful comments laced with profanity] James Guttman can do about it. Isn’t that cool?
J.R.: (wryly) Yeah, I’m speechless.
Mike: No, you’re, um, speechful. That’s a word, right?
J.R.: You’re a dull boy, Michael.
Mike: Thank you.
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The show begins with all of the usual opening glitz and glamour that we’ve come to expect from WWE television. Jonathan “The Coach” Coachman and Jerry “The King” Lawler welcome us to [A.M.] Raw and pimp the main event of Shawn “The Sexy Heartbreak Boy Toy Kid” Michaels vs. John “The Leader of the Chain Gang and Vince McMahon‘s Latest Desperate Attempt to Recreate Hulk Hogan, The Rock and/or Stone Cold Steve Austin” Cena.
Apparently Eric Bischoff’s back, or so his entrance music would have you believe. Oh yeah, there he is. He really is back. And he’s got a friend with him. It’s Chris Masters. Hey, Chris.
Eric cuts a scathing promo on Smackdown and promises that the red team will defeat the blue team at Taboo Tuesday and there’s nothing that Teddy Long can do about it. The Masterpiece then takes the microphone and issues a special “Suckdown” Masterlock Challenge. Rey Mysterio apparently accepts the challenge because he’s making his way to the ring, along with Smackdown GM Teddy Long.
Masters tells Mysterio that he’s too short to take the MLC, and lifts him up like a child and places him on the chair. Now that the two are face to face, it gives Rey a perfect opportunity to smash Masters in the face with the microphone after responding with a clever babyface quip. This, of course, brings out all the Heat guys, which brings out the Smackdown crew from the crowd (in their wrestling gear) and starts a big inter-promotional brawl. Smackdown clears the ring and Rey Rey hits Chris Masters with the 619. The Raw team begs off and backpedals up the ramp. Teddy Long grabs the mic and promises victory for his team at Taboo Tuesday tomorrow night. (Wait, Taboo Tuesday’s on tomorrow night? But today’s Saturday.)
They show highlights and voting results from the Smackdown vs. Raw match at Taboo Tuesday. (Okay, now I’m really confused.) Rey and Hardy won the votes and the match.
During the match, the innovative news crawler that takes up one-fifth of the screen tells us that on this day in history, the year 2001, Test defeated Edge for the Intercontinental title. Wow, it seems like just yesterday. When you’re talking about all-time classic Intercontinental title matches, you’re talking about Ricky Steamboat vs. Randy Savage, Bret Hart vs. Mr. Perfect, and Test vs. Edge. No doubt.
And now, our first batch of commentary from Good Ol’ J.R.:
“First of all, nobody watches Smackdown. And secondly, nobody cares about Smackdown. This segment was designed to create excitement about the Raw vs. Smackdown tag match at Taboo Tuesday. Folks, in my opinion, they dropped the ball on this one. In fact, Vince McMahon probably dropped both his balls on this one. The man is a freak.”
Thanks, J.R.
Commercials.
Carlito is in the ring and he’s running down his Taboo Tuesday opponent, Mick Foley. He wonders aloud which of Foley’s three “personalities” he’ll be facing. He says it doesn’t matter who he faces, he’ll come out victorious “uno, dos, y tres.” That’s “one, two, and three” in Spanish. Get it? ‘Cause he’s from Puerto Rico. They speak Spanish there. Dude Love, Cactus Jack, and Mankind take turns cutting promos on Carlito from the Titantron. Who’s it going to be, folks? We don‘t have to wait long, as they quickly show the results and highlights from their Taboo Tuesday match, and it looks like Mankind got the nod. He won the match with the mandible sock. No es bueno, amigos.
Commercials.
A video package from the WWE Survivor Series Tour of Australia is shown. John Cena, Shelton Benjamin (He still works there?), and Ric Flair all talk about how exciting it was to actually wrestle in front of packed houses for a change.
The Coach is dressed up as Stone Cold Steve Austin and he’s in the ring running his mouth. But first, Johnny Coach calls out his new buddy, Goldust. Dusty’s kid makes his grand entrance and joins Coach in calling out Austin. They get Mr. McMahon instead. McMahon explains to us that Austin had a little “accident” over the weekend and says, “Allegedley, Austin will certainly not be at Taboo Tuesday tomorrow night.” (Which one is it, allegedly or certainly? They’re kind of two different things, no?) McMahon announces Coach as the winner of the match by forfeit. J.R. stays fired. But Vince still wants to showcase Coachman’s talents at the PPV.
Vince says to Coach, “There’s no one on the Raw roster left that’s anywhere near your caliber, therefore I had to go to Smackdown.” (Backstage, a single tear rolls down Shelton Benjamin’s cheek.) He announces “Smack down’s #1 Announcer” Funaki as Austin’s replacement. Goldust quickly dismantles him and dumps his sorry ass to the outside. Batista’s music hits and out comes the roided-up Smackdown savior. Everyone’s surprised. Batista makes his way to the ring and very slowly gets ready to fight. First he takes off his jacket. Then he takes off his tie. Then he unbuttons his shirt. Then he slowly rolls up his sleeves. Finally, he takes his time and makes a show out of removing his sunglasses. (Sure you don’t want take off your shoes, big guy?) The Coach gets in his face and rocks the champ with a punch. Before Batista can strike back, Goldust attacks. “It’s time, it’s time. It’s Vader time!” rings out and the crowd is on its feet. Big Van Vader is back and he goes right after Batista. Then falls. He gets up and holds Batista so Coach can slap him. As the three heels leave the ring, Vader surprisingly doesn’t fall onto his huge ass. They seamlessly edited out the best part of last week’s Raw. Batista is left laying, sort of.
They show the voting results and highlights of the 3-on-1 match from Taboo Tuesday. Batista defeated Coach, Vader, and Goldust convincingly in a streetfight.
Let’s hear what J.R. had to say:
“Folks, in all my thirty years of being involved in this industry, I’ve seen a lot of train wrecks. I’ve seen a lot of bad television. This was up there with the worst I’ve ever seen. Now, I know what you’re all saying, ‘J.R.’s just hot, because they’re making fun of him on TV.’ Don’t get me wrong, folks, J.R. is still hot; I didn’t want this to be the way I got fired for good. But aside from that, as a fan of professional wrestling, this was just a big, nonsensical -- pardon my French -- clusterfuck of a TV segment. It made absolutely no sense. First off, why in God’s name is Funaki announced as Austin’s replacement and then discarded after taking a standard finishing move from a guy who hasn’t wrestled in years? He wouldn’t be ready to fight 24 hours after taking a weak-looking Curtain Call? Secondly, why is the Smackdown champ even in the building? And why is he so willing to stick up for yours truly? I’ve spoken with the man maybe twice in my entire life. He’s Hunter’s pet project, so he doesn’t come around Ol’ J.R. too often. Thirdly, Goldust and Vader?! Why? Is Coach playing poker with these guys on the weekends? I just don’t see the connection.
This is the type of nonsense I had to put up with on a weekly basis while I was announcing Raw. If J.R. was there, I’d have sold it like it was Bruiser Brody and Andre the Giant making their returns. Why? ‘Cause that’s how J.R. rolls. That’s what he does best. He convinces the marks, er, fans to get excited about things that they normally wouldn’t or shouldn’t get excited about. And that’s all I got to say about this particular segment.”
Commercials.
We’re treated to the entire Triple H/Ric Flair video package, followed by the voting results and highlights of their Taboo Tuesday match. A bloody Ric Flair won the cage match after bashing a bloody Triple H in the face with a non-steel folding chair.
More commercials.
WWE champion John Cena makes his majestic entrance, followed by Shawn Michaels. (I hate it when the champ comes out first.) They wrestle for a few. Michaels applies a resthold. (It makes me sleepy.) After all the excitement, WWE slows things down with some…
Commercials.
We’re back, and the two men are still wrestling. Michaels eventually misses his big top-rope elbow spot, which brings out Kurt Angle. Angle hits a belly-to-belly suplex on HBK, but is met with a couple of stiff clotheslines from Cena. The former Doctor of Thuganomics lifts Angle up for his finisher, but is caught off guard by some Sweet Chin Music from Michaels. HBK grabs Cena’s belt and admires it as we fade to black.
They show the voting results and highlights from the Taboo Tuesday triple-threat WWE Championship match. Cena pinned Michaels to retain his title.
And now, Good Ol’ J.R.’s closing commentary for the show:
“Well, ladies and gentleman, there you have it. Another stirring edition of WWE A.M. Raw. The show ended with a good match in John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels. In my opinion, HBK will go down as the very best in-ring performer in the history of this business. And Angle ain’t too shabby either. John Cena’s a good kid; very polite. I thought they had a solid match at Taboo Tuesday, but I believe it may be time to end the Cena Experiment.
Well, that’s it, folks. It was nice to actually sit down and watch wrestling again, and voice my opinions with the fans. They took the Ross Report away from me too, you know? Guess ol’ J.R.’s even too ugly for WWE.com.
I want to thank Mike Nicolau for giving me this opportunity. I think this site is great, and I’m really looking forward to reading James Guttman’s book, World Wrestling Insanity. Good Ol’ J.R. gets a free copy, right?
Good night, everybody.”
It’s morning, J.R., but thank you. It’s been great having you. And it was a lot less work for me.
***Readers, I’ve just been informed that the “J.R.” that was commenting on today’s report, wasn’t actually WWE’s Jim Ross. Unfortunately, it was an imposter. I’ve been duped, and I apologize. But I’m past deadline and I’m not re-writing the entire report without the J.R. stuff. Take it for what it is -- a cheap stunt designed to get readers to read something they might not ordinarily read. And I thank you for reading.***
