08-18-06

“So let’s sink another drink ‘cause it will give me time to think.”

Boo-yah, here we go!!

***

Item # 1 – But I thought he loved cocks? 

Apparently, Vince McMahon has no problem with female nudity or naked male ass.  But let somebody’s dick whip-out on PPV and all of a sudden he’s apologetic and sorry.  On Monday, WWE.com decided to give us this apology...

World Wrestling Entertainment would like to apologize to anyone who watched WWE No Mercy and was offended by the William Regal locker room incident. Conduct of this kind is unacceptable in a family-friendly environment, and WWE accepts full responsibility. Nudity of any kind, even in a live television environment, is offensive to our audience and to the reputation of our company.

Hmmm...interesting.  It’s actually quite pathetic that the apology went up on the main page of the site just above headlines for ECW’s Extreme Strip Poker segment.  I mean, how many times did WWE apologize after Jackie Gayda’s (picture perfect) nipple popped out while she was feeling-up Lance Storm?  How many times did WWE apologize for that fat male stripper that keeps popping up in a thong?  What about when the Kat ripped off her bikini top on PPV??

Oh yeah...they apologized for that one.

Regardless...how many complaints did they REALLY get on this subject?  There certainly wasn’t an online uproar over seeing Willie’s Willie. Hell, most people never really saw it the first time around because it happened so quickly.  But WWE, in it’s ever-loving need for publicity whether it’s good or bad, decided to issue this apology Monday.  I wonder why?

Please.

Anybody can see that it was a blatant ploy to pick up a few extra replay buys from curious fans that didn’t see the special moment the first time around.

Item # 2 – Nah...it’s Triple H who loves cocks.

Listen, I love a good cock-joke just as much as the next guy.  In fact, the more cock-jokes the better, right?

Okay...maybe not. 

But the fact is that on RAW this past Monday, Triple H went waaaay above and beyond good taste to deliver his rants on cock jokes.

Okay...maybe not. 

Let me say straight up that I didn’t find it to be offensive or anything. I do think, however, that Triple H went above and beyond good taste in comedy to deliver his rants on cocks. I mean, it was funny for a minute or two...or three maybe...but the segment dragged on and on and he just wouldn’t stop.  The crowd seemed to enjoy it quite a bit, but that’s apparently no longer the gauge for the IWC’s enjoyment of the product (although it certainly helps ROH shows).  Therefore, it wasn’t very entertaining or funny.

Well...f*ck it.  I laughed for awhile.  I then smiled for a bit.  I then sat in my chair uncomfortably while hoping my wife didn’t wake up and wonder what the hell I was watching on TV.

Thank God that Edge and Randy Orton are going to give D-X something else to do now.  Hopefully they can move on from these silly McMahon cock references (sorry Kanyon) and actually do something that they haven’t really done in awhile...actually wrestle in a decent match against decent competition.

Item # 3 – Six Degrees of All-Japan Separation.

For those of you who tuned into Bull Buchanan’s interview on last weekend’s RFI, you heard that he actually read my column.  He didn’t know my name...but by golly he knew my column.  That’s okay, though...I’ll take it. 

When JG mentioned my name in the list of things that Bull discussed on last week’s RFI, I did a double-take, for sure.  I mean...while everybody on the planet should be reading my column, the fact is that they don’t.  So why would Bull and the boyz from All Japan read World Wrestling Insanity every week? 

Personally, I think it’s because we’re different.  We’re not crapping all over the business that they bust their asses for every day.  We’re not complaining and whining in our columns simply to see how many words we can write down.  There’s no doubt that in the online world of wrestling websites there is a TON of negativity.  We try to bring a change to that...and I think where the guys are over by themselves in another country on another continent, they certainly don’t want to read negativity on a daily basis. 

Well, regardless of the reasons why they read this column, I’m just happy that they do. 

Therefore, in honor of the boyz kickin’ ass and takin’ names in All Japan, I’ve decided to play a little thing that some of you may be familiar with...6 Degrees of Separation.  Normally, this is a Kevin Bacon thing.  However, I’ve decided to change things around a bit.  This time...it’s all about connecting All Japan and yours truly!!  So let’s start with...

...All Japan pro wrestling who currently has...

...Bull Buchanan wrestling for them.  Bull used to wrestle in a faction called...

...the Truth Commission in WWF along with...

...an incredible talent known as Kurrgan.

I saw Kurrgan at the local Empire 8 movie theatre a few months ago.

Ummm....that’s it.

Fun, ain’t it?  Not really?  Well, that’s pretty much all I’ve got.  All I wanted to really do was just give a shout-out to the All-Japan gang.  Thanks for reading, Bull.  Hope all is well with the Voodoo Murderers.  Say ‘hi’ to D-Lo and Ro-Z for me.  Oh...and tell TAKA to stop crying for the love of all that's good and manly. 

Item # 4 – Chris Kanyon is still a jackass.

This past week, the “Chris Kanyon is an F*cktard” tour just kept rolling along.  This time, Kanyon showed up on the Howard Stern Show to talk shit about Vince McMahon.  Of course, he went on to give his lame-ass story about being fired because he’s gay and proceeded to say that Vince was a homophobe and really wasn’t a “genius” because the XFL proved that.

Once again, the never-was was still clinging to his almost famous past and was coming off as a bitter, pathetic joke simply because he can’t realize that he doesn’t, nor did he ever, have “it” in this business.  Limited talent can only take you so far, Chris.  You need to be either spectacular in the ring, have a spectacular physique, or be spectacular on the mic if you’re going to be successful in WWE.  You were none of those things and now you’re just a washed-up, whiny bitch.

The funniest part?  The guy actually wants to go back to WWE for one more run. 

Are you f*ckin’ kidding me??  Listen, Kanyon...you and your gay ass need to get over the fact that you were fired.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...

Clears throat...

YOU SUCK!!!

Both figuratively and literally, I guess.  But the fact remains that you were just “okay” in the ring.  You were given opportunities with titles once you were signed by WWE and you failed to draw or entertain...hence you were fired.  The “Boy George” segment was probably the only chance you had to get a personality on WWE television and you sucked at that, too.

Get over it.  Move on with your life.  Wrestle somewhere else...ANYWHERE else.  Just stop bitching...it’s old.

Item # 5 – MVP is money...maybe.  

Give it time, people...give it time.  This gimmick is a long-term storyline in its infancy.  It’s already been hinted at (y’know...with a hammer to the head) that MVP is a poser who simply cannot live up to his own hype and expectations. 

It’s quite easy to see that the gimmick is either going to be that the guy is a massive flop and can’t beat anybody or that he’ll squeak on by and win matches...but barely.  Either way, people are going to absolutely hate this guy.

I mean, this guy is acting like he’s an unbeatable star and then destroys jobbers in a cocky manner on PPV.  On second thought, if all of these things don’t spell out “soon to be teaming with Funaki” then I don’t know what does.

Never mind.  MVP’s totally f*cked.

Item # 6 – How do you make sexy women not sexy?

Put them in an “Extreme Strip Poker” segment.  Christ on a cracker...if WWE knows how to do anything in a big-time way it’s making my dick go limp while watching half-naked women acting slutty on television.

How in the blue hell did WWE think that their lame version of strip poker would be anything other than lame?  The only redeeming quality to the segment was that Balls Mahoney, while ugly as f*ck, was quite entertaining in a perverted NON-Jerry Lawler-esque way.

If there was anything that degraded the women of WWE, it was that whole segment.  Goddamn that was pathetic...and I’m a huge fan of porn so that tells you just how bad this segment was if I found it degrading towards women.

Not only was it bad in a “I can’t believe I watch this shit” type of way, but it was interspersed with the actual wrestling while both Tazz and Joey Styles had to sell it like they were looking for puppies all night long.

The rating for the show was only a 1.7, so the whole concept was a bomb and did nothing to help the ratings at all. 

Well worth the effort, WWE...well worth it.  [insert my rolling eyes here]

Item # 7 – Who can actually carry Rene Dupree to a passable match?

Please. 

Damn straight.  Was there ever any doubt?

Item # 8 – LOSER OF THE WEEK.

Yes folks...I’m starting a new weekly regular feature for the column.  Each and every week, I’ll pick somebody (not necessarily always from wrestling) who has either acted in a dumb way, said something stupid, or generally was an idiot in some way, shape, or form.  While Tom Cruise and Jeff Hardy have been runaway favorites over the past few months, I’ve decided that the first choice for ZAH’s Loser of the Week will be...

KENT JONES!!

Now, this guy has been around for a few months now but his latest rant on YouTube ranks up there with some of the most idiotic things I’ve ever heard in my life.  Now folks, this isn’t me “shooting” on him.  No, there are enough other morons out there trying to “get over” on YouTube (no...I am not joking) without me trying to be one of them.  I’m simply calling this dumb-ass a loser.  Why?

“Oh yeah, if you haven’t figured it out this is directed to Jim Ross.  The stupidest f*cker who thinks he knows everything there is to know about a f*cking sport that he’s not even in.  That’s right, Jim Ross...you’re supposedly a great announcer and know and have a knowledge of the sport of professional wrestling.  How can you be knowledgeable on the sport of professional wrestling when you’re in entertainment?”

It’s quite obvious that this guy is an ignorant jackass.  It's also quite obvious that he knows nothing about professional wrestling history.  It’s even more obvious that he personifies what most fans fear the most...the stereotypical Southern wrestling fan. 

Is this accurate?  Is this guy really what Southern wrestling fans are like?  Well f*ck no...of course not.  The problem is that there is already a stigma of what those fans are supposed to be like, and this guy personifies that 100%.  Hell, he’s even got his own MySpace now as Kent “Controversy” Jones.

Yes, folks...one listen and you'll immediately understand why this guy ranks up there with some of the biggest losers in history.  He’s really a dumbass...but don’t just take my word for it.  Enjoy:

You do what you do and I will do what I do!!!  ß Wow...this one’s truly insane and offensive.

WWE = Worst Wrestling Ever

WWE = Worst Wrestling Ever pt 2

JR try to play this down!!!

So Kent Jones...for being the unbelievably huge douche that you are, congratulations on being ZAH’s first ever Loser of the Week!!

Item # 9 – More Insanity Fantasy Sports!

As I said last week, every new sporting season brings about a new fantasy game for the Insanity crew.  Right now, basketball is the game on tap!  While the basketball season doesn’t start for another couple of weeks, we need to get some more teams together ASAP!!

GO HERE...:  http://basketball.fantasysports.yahoo.com/nba

League ID: 52431

League Password: zah

League URL: http://basketball.fantasysports.yahoo.com/nba/52431

We had some great response to last week's last-minute hockey league and now we've got enough to make things interesting (I'm currently in last place and not happy about it one bit).

So join-up today!  Just like me, you don't need to know a thing about basketball in order to have some fun with it.  Unlike me, you might actually end up having your team looking slightly respectable.

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Pillar to Post 

Each and every week I’ll take three statements that you, the WorldWrestlingInsanity.com readers, have submitted on the hot topics du jour and then get two or three volunteers to give their thoughts and insight.  Ladies and gentlemen, this week I give you three great World Wrestling Insanity) readers Crabxcore, bmartin121490, and Cleatus Cahones!

1. Agree or Disagree
WWE did the right thing in apologizing for William Regal’s accidental frontal nudity at last Sunday’s PPV.

Crabxcore: Agree.

While some argue that we should've expected something like this from the WWE, I and many others probably didn't. While the WWE is keen on showing asses, and has even shown bits of boob in the past, the audience watching has been fairly confident that at the very least, they would be protected from seeing genitalia. Especially those belonging to a middle aged British man who’s starting to sag all over.

Now, I do have to disagree on HOW they made the apology. The whole "the WWE is family entertainment" bit can only be in there to please corporate types and television higher ups. I can only imagine the types of shows Vince and Co. must be watching to think the current Diva bounce-fest they're putting out is "family-friendly".

bmartin121490: Disagree.

It seemed to be the whole point of the skit was about how well endowed (or not endowed) Regal and Vito are. If they are gonna apologize for something like that why isn't all of the male ass on raw not apologized for. This was an accident that happened on pay per view not a scheduled skit on live cable TV.

Cleatus Cahones: Agree.

I agree that WWE needed to issue a statement about showing William Regal's penis to the world live on Pay Per View this past Sunday however I disagree in the way in which WWE went about apologizing. I didn't need an apology as much as I needed clarification. As someone who follows all things WWE, I found this past Sunday's Regal/Vito shower skit somewhat confusing. I thought RAW is the brand you watch when you want to see random nude male body parts. Knowing that you can see nude males on a SmackDown show only confuses the average fan and ultimately diminishes the brand identity that WWE has been working so hard to create. RAW is the brand you watch if you want to see male on male analingus, SmackDown if you want to see a man in a thong wearing a dress, and ECW if you want to see hot chicks playing strip poker. So ECW is for straight guys, SmackDown for the bi-curious, and RAW for the full blown flaming homos (not that there's anything wrong with that). Seriously though, RAW's program for this past summer has consisted of bare male asses and dick and fart jokes minus the gas . Meanwhile Vito runs around on Friday nights flashing his bare ass to the world. Had this happened on the CW then McMahon would be kissing his empire goodbye (SuperBowl 2004 anyone?). Instead this happened on Pay Per View where anything goes. And won't someone please think of the children? If you're letting your kid(s) watch WWE nowadays, a flash of William Regal's cock is the least of your issues.

Kanyon got fired ‘cause he's gay? Something tells me that may be the only reason he had a job in the 'E to begin with.

2. Agree or Disagree
Having the three brand champions face off against each other will really hurt the brands whose champion doesn’t win.

Crabxcore: Disagree.

Simply because it makes the great assumption that someone will indeed win, and win cleanly. I think there’s a number of ways they can do this to make it look credible, but still maintain face.

The first elimination in the match, for it to make any sense is gonna have to be the Big Show. With how hard he's getting pushed now, for either Booker or Cena to beat him solo would damage ECW to no end. However, if they have to double-team him before scoring the pin, Big Show can still come out of it looking as tough as he did going in.

While a DQ would probably cause a riot, its not inconceivable to imagine Booker winning with a little influence from Sharmell. And a double pin, or maybe a stretcher job, would be a good finish if pulled off well.

And if there is a clean win, I only hope its Smackdown. ECW is carving out its own niche, and RAW will always be Vince's favorite, but SD! could really use the boost winning this match would give it.

bmartin121490: Agree depending on how it’s done.

I agree that if one champion gets a clean win over another champion that the losing champ will lose credibility among the brands. At the same time, this is the perfect situation to have somebody jump brands or surprise us with something to mix things up. WWE could throw a curve at us and give us something out of the ordinary and interesting.... or John Cena could clean house and demean the other brands completely just because raw is the flagship show and god forbid they upset the balance in power.

Yet at the same time Cena was the only champion who lost at raw homecoming and no one is complaining about it. So it all depends on how they do it.

Cleatus Cahones: Disagree.

Despite ECW and SmackDown producing consistently better shows than RAW all year, WWE continues to push RAW as the "A brand". If the RAW brand wins nothing changes. If the RAW brand loses nothing changes. RAW will still be the most important show in the eyes of the powers that be at Titan Tower. So while this match wouldn't be able to shift the power away from RAW it would most certainly define who the B and C shows are respectively. The match would essentially be a fight for second place. No matter who wins, nothing is going to un-ass RAW from the top spot anytime soon (sigh).

3. Agree or Disagree
Having Kurt Angle wrestle Samoa Joe in TNA so soon is a bad booking decision.

Crabxcore: Disagree.

TNA needs to use Angle's momentum as best they can, if fans tune in to see Angle and see him getting beat down by Jarrett, Sting, or even Christian Cage, it'll only reinforce their stereotypes about TNA that its a place for washed up WWE and WCW guys. If however, he comes in and starts a high-profile feud with Joe, then not only will it give him cred among the TNA faithful, it'll show those Angle fans to whom this is their first TNA experience what TNA can be at its very best.

P.S. It should SO be a 60 minute match too.

bmartin121490: Agree and disagree.

I want to see this match. This is a dream match. The problem is that I also want Kurt Angle at full potential and not to get hurt. When Kurt is on he is the best period, or at least he was. He needs the proper amount of time to regain his health, and find out if he still goes like he used to.

Joe is the future of wrestling and is one of the last beams of hope (other then C.M. Punk and maybe Colt Cabana). Wrestling companies are slipping farther and farther away from what fans want. They spend so much time trying to get new fans that the old ones are abandoning them. Joe is an exception. Classic wrestling fans can appreciate his skill and his look is better then most of the other guys being pushed over the last few years (Kevin Thorn, Boogeyman, and Spirit Squad...just off the top of my head) this allows him to click with new fans.

I want to see this happen when both are at full potential, but if Kurt cant get there then it should stay a dream match rather then one that didn’t live up to its full potential.

Cleatus Cahones: Agree.

I think the potential for Angle in TNA is unlimited. Is a program with Kurt and Joe right off the bat a smart move? NO. If you still watch TNA then you have accepted the fact that Jeff Jarrett is going to be in the main event no matter what. Acceptance being one of the stages of grief, congratulations for putting it behind you and moving on! Now why am I talking about Jeff Jarrett when the question was about Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe? Because a Kurt Angle/Jeff Jarrett alliance has the potential to be one of the most hated teams in wrestling history.

Here's the logic: Jeff Jarrett has heat. Perhaps its "Retire Jeff, retire" heat but its heat nonetheless. Kurt Angle, on the other hand, can work both sides of the crowd. People don't like Kurt Angle's personality. Angle is a natural heel. The only reason he gets cheers from the crowd is out of respect for his sacrifice and his ability. Let Angle be his natural self and you have a wrestler that can draw heat without even trying. Angle is one of the most respected wrestlers in the world (pro and amateur) while Jarrett is seen mostly as a hack who knows how to use his last name. What if Angle endorses, and even partners with, Jeff Jarrett? You have a guy that the fans shout "retire" at, being endorsed and teaming with a guy who the fans want to shout "please don't retire" at.

Now here's where Joe comes into play. Obviously Joe/Angle is a dream match. The only thing is its just way too early. No matter what the outcome, one of the guy's stock would surely be lowered by losing the match. Being a dream match you also run the possibility that the match simply doesn't meet up to the fan's expectations, which will lower both Angle and Joe's stock. If TNA is smart they will seduce the fans with the idea of Joe vs. Angle for as long as possible without delivering the goods. Put Angle with Jarrett together and let them get booed out of the building. It wouldn't hurt things if Angle had a nice healthy fear of the musclebuster, either. If you have accepted Jeff Jarrett as your Personal Jesus then you know that this angle with Angle is exactly what TNA needs to survive.

***

Great job, guys...thanks!!  I’m looking forward to seeing who gets to join me as a guest columnist next week. 

This week, folks, I'm really serious.  I'm looking for any reader who'd like to participate for the first time to throw me an e-mail and let me know.  The availability for first-timers is immediate (i.e. next week or the week after).  Just let me know at Zah@worldwrestlinginsanity.com or hit me up at ZAH Nation, found in the Insanity Message Board and let me know that you’d like to participate. 

Also, don’t forget to stop by my MySpace page and add me.

So until next week…

L8R