Michael Cole is one crazy man. Good thing for us that tonight’s hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. It is Monday, after all, and that means we’re doing that dang thang on USA Network. What’s on tonight’s agenda, you ask? Well, you can bet your bottom doughnut that Randy Orton will be on the hunt for his former Evolutionary co-hort, Triple H.  Now that Mr. RKO is firmly aligned with the R Rated Superstar, can they combine all their letters together and defeated HHH and HBK? What about the wise-cracking villainous baby faces, Cryme Tyme? Will the comedic gangbangers capture the tag team titles from the reigning champions Spirit Squad? How come every tag team that debuts is fighting for the tag team titles within the first three weeks and then get sent to Heat for four months? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Then, in the question that many are wondering, what will happen when the Vanilla Powers explode? That’s right. In one corner, John Cena, the man many wrestling fans have pegged as a doofy white man doing a “street gimmick.” In the other, Kevin Federline, the man many people on the planet have pegged as a doofy white guy doing a “street gimmick”…and impregnated Britney Spears. Advantage - Federline. What will happen when they collide tonight? Want to find out? Well, you know the drill. Rev your chainsaws, salute your corporals, and hit me baby, one more time. Hit me with some Raw.

Raw Theme Plays.

Yo! Play with Fire, people! Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are here and they’re ready to pump - clap - you up. The Raw voices are stoked as a joke over tonight’s 700^th edition of Monday Night Raw! 15,101 have filled the arena tonight! Now as you all know, John Cena made mainstream headlines last week. Why? No, not for his movie, silly. Ha ha ha. He made headlines because he beat up Hollywood “bad boy” Kevin Federline. Don’t believe us? Check it:

Video clips from Jimmy Kimmel, Extra, ET, Daily 10, and Talk Soup. All the clips look like someone video taped the TV with a camcorder. Not sure if it was a slick style they were going for, but it looked ghetto.

What up tonight? It’s John Cena vs. Johnny Nitro. In Nitro’s corner, Kevin Federline! What impact will the one non-John have on the match? Let’s find out.

Cue Kevin Federline

J.R. calls Kevin Federline an accomplished singer and actor. Not sure if either of those is true. Ross also says that Kevin is married to Britney Spears. That much I know is true. Either way, the album drops on Halloween and Fed is here to pump the tunes. Mr. Brit starts things off by telling us why he‘s back on Raw. He‘s here for payback! That‘s right. Everyone was talking about Kev last week - TV, internet, all of ya! (JG Note: He’s right. We’re all K-Fed marks. You can spot us by the Yankees caps with unbent brims) Well, you may love to see that, but Feder ain’t like the Chicago Cubs. He ain’t no lovable loser! The Chi-Town crowd boos, but that doesn’t stop homeboy’s onslaught. In fact, he brings out some back up. Give it up for a man who will annihilate Dr. Thuggy at Cyber Sunday…King Bookah!

King Booker hath arriveth. He tells Sir Federline that his CD was a treasure. In fact, K-Fed is a “gifted and talented artiste.” That being said, Book swears that John Cena will pay for his heinous actions. After all, Kevin is a trendsetter. Everyone in this royal house want to be Feddy. Yeah. That’s why they’ll all choose John Cena’s title to be on the line at Cyber Sunday. That’s how your King will hold titles on both Raw and Smackdwon when the cyberlicous night is done. So it is written so it shall be done!

Cue the Big Show.

No. This show’s pretty easy to figure out. They use the same template every week.

ECW Champion Big Show is here, as if you didn’t figure it out already. The Showster tells King Bookah that he feels John Cena should be squashed as well. After a tense moment, Biggie turns his attention from Johnny C to Booker T.  Here’s the ish, Harlem Heater. Show is the man. He’s dominant. Come CS, he’s gonna take the Raw title and bring it back to ECW! Everyone knows it. Heck, even Kevin Federline knows it and he doesn’t know anything. (JG Note: Big Show didn’t say that last part, I did.) After some more back and forth over who will be the one to kill a Marine, the Marine makes his return.

Your time is up. His time is now. You can’t see John Cena, but he’s here. The WWE Champion gives a Joel Gertner style, “Well, well, well” and begins his Rocky Maivia act. Looking at each man in the ring, John says that one thing is clear. Everyone in the ring make up the dumbest lineup in the history of celebrity jeopardy! (JG Note: If Celebrity Jeopardy only used one celebrity and two wrestlers). Dr. Thuggy begins to cut down everyone in the ring. He talks about Big Show’s past acting jobs as The Stay Puft Marshmallow man in Ghostbusters and Jabba the Hut in Star Wars. However, what you didn’t know is that Show is set to star in a new movie. It’s called “White Fat Albert.” Bada-boom-ching.

Johnny Seinfeld continues his verbal attack with King Booker. Hey Bookie, everyone thought it was funny when you did your stupid little British Monarch act. Great. However it wasn’t until you called K-Fed’s album a “treasure” that made you "lose your status as a black man."

Cue Ron Simmons.

Dude. That’s not funny. That’s racist.

No, man. I wasn’t kidding. I meant it.

Oh. I thought you were like…you know, cause he said…never mind. I’ll get him.

Ron Simmons shows up. It takes people a while to notice. When they do, he says simply this:

“Damn!”
            - Ron Simmons, 9:14pm

After the catchphrase cameo, Ron leaves the scene and Cena leaves one final diss. He compares Mr. Britney’s album, “Playing With Fire, to “Playing With Yourself.” Wow. Is Kevin Federline actually trying to sell this album? I’m sure the crossover promotion with WWE baby faces saying how bad it is will work wonders for sales.

Commercial Break. Borat like sexy time. It’s nice. What not?

1. Women’s Title Tournament Match: Mickie James pinned Melina after the DDT

Melina - jill of all trades. I’ll say this about her. WWE is giving her a pretty solid push. In fact, even Nitro has been elevated substantially since his debut. It’s good to see the company finding the stars they want to bring to the next level and doing so. Hopefully they can sustain this for a while. As for Mickie James, her old gimmick is finally starting to wear off. After months of being a nut job, WWE wanted to forget all that and get over her new gimmick - girl who wears a skirt when she wrestles. That’s it. Seems wasteful. Even if you keep her a baby face, there’s no reason why she shouldn’t be an obsessive nutty baby face. Eh. Why bother, right? Turn her generic and watch the people chant boring. They did in this match. In all fairness to the crowd, the match was pretty boring. To the credit of both divas, there wasn’t anything they did wrong per se. They just didn’t do anything exciting. Ironically, halfway through the match, J.R. reminds everyone of Mick’s crazy past. No clue why. She must have heard him, because after he said it, the match took a sudden turn. Lina took James down with a sloppy neck breaker and then screamed when she didn’t get the three count. Keep screaming, Screamie Meemie. That won’t stop Miss James from hitting her DDT and pinning you. Go ahead, Melina. Now you can scream all you want. You lost.

Last week on Raw, Triple H pinned Randy Orton. Now Randy wants revenge. The first 300 times didn’t bother Orton so much, but that last pinfall loss to Hunter really got under his skin!

Still to come: Kevin Federline is in Johnny Nitro’s corner as he takes on John Cena.

Commercial Break. The New Burger King Italian Sandwich will kill you. That’s a unique marketing approach. I wonder why no one ever thought of having the food threaten the consumer.

2. Chris Masters and Shelton Benjamin defeated Carlito and Jeff Hardy when Benjamin pinned Hardy

It’s time for WWE’s weekly X-Division group match. You know, where the same group of people who fight every week fight again. We also learn that we’ll all have the opportunity to select Jeff Hardy’s fate for Cyber Sunday. The choices are Carlito Cool, Shelton Benjamin, Johnny Nitro, or Mark Lynn-Baker. Actually, wait. My bad. Mark Lynn-Baker wasn’t one of the choices. Although, if he was, I’m sure we’d all be watching Jeff Hardy vs. Cousin Larry at the show. This was an “eh” match. As usual with this slot on the show, none of these guys seem to have any real issues with one guy in particular. Instead, they all have stupid little non-issues with each other. , J.R. mentions Hardy’s “three year hiatus.” He makes no mention of TNA. Snap, Jim. Snap. Jeff hits the first highspot with his Whisper in the Wind on Benjamin. Ross calls it one of “Jeff Hardy's trademarked crash and burn type maneuvers.” Snap again, Jim. Snap again. Eventually we got a tag to Carlito, which allowed the Cool One to do his moonsault-run-across the ring spot. That’s when confusion ensued. Everyone ended up back in the ring and Shelton found himself with the opportunity to hook Carly’s tights and score himself a pin. Blah finish to a blah match. At the end, everyone argued with each other but no one threw a punch. It was like in grade school when two kids would yell at each other but were too afraid to hit the other. Then someone would come up behind one kid and shove him into the other kid and then they’d fight. It was just like that…only without the pushing kid. Damn. We needed that pushing kid.

Commercial Break. There’s an anti-marijuana commercial that says you won’t die if you smoke it because you won’t leave the couch.   If you smoke marijuana, you won't live life fully and according to the commercial, “You have more of a chance of dying out there.” Well, uh…huh? Now not dying is bad? I thought the point of all these anti-drug commercials was to say that you shouldn’t die. Now they’re saying, “Don’t do drugs. Go out there and die, you wussy little bitch!”

Welcome back, the arena is jammed full of people. Two of those people are Chicago Bears!

Back in the back, Todd Grisham is standing by with Team Horny, Randy Orton and Edge. The R Rated Superstar called his interviewer “Re-Todd” and speaks at length about “typical DX.” You know. Cheating, bullying, and back talking. Screw dat noise. This team is here to stop DeGeneration X and their dominance. This team is…Rated RKO. Nice. So the R Boys are here to show the world that things are about to be different! In order to prove that point, Randy and Copeland have invited all three guest referee choices for Cyber Sunday to come to attend their match and observe. Those three men are Eric Bischoff, Jonathon Coachman, and Vince McMahon! No Mark Lynn-Baker, though. He’s not welcome.

WWE Superstars were asked to choose who’s tougher - John Cena or his character in the Marine? What an enlightening two minute segment that was.

In the dressing room, Johnny Nitro and Kevin Federline are chillin’ like homies. Federline says that Cena is “whack.” He only sold 500,000 albums. K-Fed will sell that many record albums in week one! Them eight tracks are gonna be flying off the shelves! Booyakaza! The duo agree that Johnny C will have hell to pay. When? Next.

Commercial Break.  Fear The Rainbow.  Praise The Rainbow.  I am the Rainbow.  The Rainbow is me.

Johnny Nitro is the first one out and guess who he has by his side….

Once John Cena’s rolling-tongue trumpet march hits, you know it’s awn. Oh. It’s awn.

3. WWE Champion John Cena pinned Johnny Nitro (with Kevin Federline and Melina) after an F-U

This was a deliberate match at first, for lack of a better term. Nitro took control early with some restholds and Cena built up suspense with a reversal. When he did, he still ended up getting pummeled two moves later. It wasn’t until Johnny tossed the Champ from the ring that Kevin Federline got his chance to get in a hit. With John left vulnerable, K-Fed picked his spot. He wound up and slapped The Doctor of Thuganmoics with a stinging slap. J.C. stumbled, turned, but was quickly taken down by a Nitro leap from the ring to the outside. With Melina screaming like a banshee, N took the Marine back into the ring and did his best to put the match to bed. He tried pinfalls. He tried body-scissored sleeper holds. Then comes the scariest part of the match. Jerry Lawler asks Jim Ross if he can imagine what would happen if Federline gets beat up again this week. Glowing, J.R. says “there’ll be more Talk Soup! There’ll be more Jimmy Kimmel!” I feel like the whole David Arquette thing started like this. So far, K-Fed’s being used well. Let’s not overdue it. In this case, Fed’s involvement didn’t turn the tide anyway. The WWE Champion eventually finished things as you’d expect. Melina’s Man ate an F-U and fell to a three count.

After the official word, John Cena set his sights on the man who babymommaed his way to the A-List, Kevin Federline. Federline backed up the ramp while the mammoth WWE rap star approached with evil intents. Just as he hit the top of the ramp, inches away from the curtain of safety, K-Fed k-fell.

On his butt and flailing, Kevin looked like easy prey for Cena. Unfortunately, the predator was the prey. Booker T and Big Show ran from the back and took turns beating on John. Then, proving there’s no honor among thieves, King Booker turned on Biggie and left both champions laying in the ring. As King T left with K-Fed, it became abundantly clear that WWE wants us all to vote for Book’s title to be on the line at Cyber Sunday. Why don’t they just make things easier for themselves and give people one choice for each vote? Come on. We’ll all play along. We’ll pretend we really have choices. Hell, that’s what we’re doing now.

Commercial Break.  Get   “Nacho Libre” on DVD.  I like Nacho Libre.  He reminds me of Super Porky.  Oh Porky!  Come home!  We miss you!

Yo man, stick ‘em up.

BANG!

4. Cryme Tyme defeated The Spirit Squad

Shad Gaspar is just Shad now. So it goes. Mr. Perfect wasn’t Curt Hennig by the end of his run. The Model lost the “Rick Martel” part. Even The Undertaker had a brief two-minute run as “Kane The Undertaker” when he first showed up. Let’s all bow our heads and pay homage to “Gaspar.” The first casualty of Cryme Tyme. I said it in the opening and I’ll say it now. It would make more sense for tag teams to wrestle on Raw for a little while before feuding with the tag champs. The Highlanders should be fighting for the titles right now. Instead they went after them the week they came in and then stopped. The same thing happened with Cade and Murdoch. It’s just a bad direction to go because once you put the belts on someone early, they have nowhere to go but down. On the flipside, if you don’t put them over in their first feud, they look weak. It’s a Catch 22. Double edged sword or not, CT took the victory once again when they hit their finisher and scored a pinfall. Second week of wins for Cryme Tyme.

The devastating loss leaves Kenny so mad that he treats his own partner like an autograph seeker hanging from the driver’s side window. He climbs the ropes and nails Mikey with the Alabama Jam. After that, he opens up on all the cheerleaders. Ken is the youngest! Ken is the most talented! Yet, he’s weighed down by you punks! You ball-less wonders haven’t even been able to beat Ric Flair! Ric Flair, for God’s sake! Come awn! Well, leave it to Mr. Doane to learn ya’ll a thing or two about a thing or two. Tonight, Kendell is going to face Ric Flair…and win…and do it all by his damn self! 2,4,6,8...Kenny hates you guys.

Commercial Break. There’s a commercial for BoDog fight. The ad says that the fight begins “September 19^th.”  Either they don’t update their commercials enough or else they’re just really eager to get their ads out.

WWE 24/7 presents This Week In Wrestling History: The WCW Chamber of Horrors. They showed WCW Halloween Havoc and made fun of how stupid the Chamber was. I kid you not. The announcers just sat there and ripped on the whole thing from start to finish. He actually said that the match lacked “logic.” Geez. Does Vince McMahon have any mirrors in his house? I mean, the Chamber of Horrors was stupid, but your son-in-law humped a mannequin on your show. Come on, man.

Eugene is wearing a Chicago Bear’s jersey and he’s shooting t-shirts at people with a gun. Leave it to Gene-o to get himself in trouble when he’s doing nothing but shooting clothes at fans. Guess who came out….

Umaga! The Saaaah-moan Bulldozer shows up with his manager Armando Alejandro Estrada. Mando informs the crowd that they’ll have the choice of who Maga fights at Cyber Sunday. Will it be Chris Benoit? Will it be Sandman? Will it be Kane? It’ll probably be Kane. Anyway, tonight Bull Dozer has come to Raw for action. With a mic in hand, Estrada turns to the t-shirt gun wielding mascot and starts to say the name of his protégé. He is Oooooooooooooooooooo…..

Blam!

At that exact moment, Eugene put Lee Harvey Oswald to shame. With precision aim, he blew a shirt at Armando’s private area and knocked him to the ground. It seemed to be an accident, but Umy don’t go for that “accident” noise. No way. You hurt the manager - you get the Thumb. Rules are rules.

From there, Jamala proceeded to beat Gene about the face, neck, chest, and head. He beat him silly. Punches, chops, and butt bumps were all just parts of the brutality. In the end, Eric Bischoff’s special nephew was left in a heap while Big Lalo held his wounded wiener and lead Umaga from the scene of the crime.

Commercial Break. I understand the gecko's dilema.  Sometimes I confuse my cat with a car since the names are so close letter-wise. 

Eugene is all beaten backstage when Jim Duggan shows up. Old Hacksaw tells the battered Gene to get tough. He urges his little buddy to “let the monster out.” Dinsmore does…all over Hacksaw. Screaming like Melina, Eugo goes to town on his partner and all the refs around him. Wow. Jim Duggan should get a job as a motivational speaker. I’ve never seen such quick results.

Hey, remember when Ric Flair brought out a ton of legends for his match with the Spirit Squad? People liked it. So they might as well do it again. That can be Ric Flair’s gimmick. It can be part of his entrance. This time around, he only had three legends by his side for his bout with Kenny. Sgt Slaughter, - who’s WWE’s answer to Screech on Saved By The Bell: The New Class - Roddy Piper, and Dusty Rhodes. As for Ken, he was just ribbing earlier about wanting his partners to stay from ringside. Apparently he was lying or kidding or whatever, because they’re all out there.

5. Kenny pinned Ric Flair with a handful of trunks

Hey, remember when Kenny said that he would be able to beat Ric Flair? Well, he did. As the final SS member on the Nature Boy agenda, Ken had the most potential to go over. Following the bell, the winner ran like a “scalded dog” while his Squad partners squared off against the American Dream, The Hot Rod, The Sarge, and The Nature Boy in a slow-motion brawl. At the end, they played Sapphire’s theme song and everyone hugged.

That’s it for me guys. Be well and thanks for sharing the Insanity!

Contact James Guttman - James @WorldWrestlingInsanity.com