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Breaking News: Kanyon Develops New Kennedy Assassination Theory

By Canadian Bulldog, World Wrestling Insanity News

(Atlanta, GA) - Former U.S. President John F. Kennedy wasn't killed by Lee Harvey Oswald, according to professional wrestler Chris Kanyon.

Despite the Warren Commission declaring in 1964 that Oswald acted alone in shooting the 35^th President of the United States, Kanyon claims that "everyone else has it all wrong."

"Oswald didn't do it from the window of the Texas Book Store Depository; nor was there any second assassin hiding behind the grassy knoll," the former World Championship Wrestling tag team champion wrote this week on his Myspace.com blog. "Kennedy told me one time who really did it.

"It's all a work." Kanyon added.

Kanyon, who claims he is "the first openly gay professional athlete in North America among the major sports of wrestling, boxing, baseball, football, hockey, soccer, tennis, fly fishing and figure skating to solve the JFK assassination mystery," declined, when contacted by World Wrestling Insanity News, to divulge what really happened during that fateful day in November of 1963.

"You see, the professional wrestling character known as Kanyon has an assassination theory, but I, Chris Klucsarits, or however the fuck you spell it, may or may not have an assassination theory," the former Triad member wrote in his blog, part of a response to "these so-called senators who pass laws without knowing all of the facts."

Instead, the "King of Kontroversy" will reveal his theory during an upcoming independent wrestling event in Rome, Georgia, following a match against the grappler formerly known as Typhoon.

"Boy, are WWE and TNA going to be sorry that they fired me now," Kanyon wrote in a comment to fellow Myspace user and entertainment czar D.J. Farbsie. "This is going to be the biggest news ever!"

(He didn't follow up with the word "EVER!!!", though it wouldn't have been altogether inappropriate.)

This is not the first time in recent months that Kanyon has put his "no such thing as bad publicity" theory to the test. Hell, it's probably not even the first time this week.

Among the news items coming from the former "Alliance MVP": he came out of the closet on pay-per-view; published a portion of his TNA Wrestling contract online; taunted D-Generation X at a World Wrestling Entertainment house show; claimed that Bret Hart was "in" on the infamous 1997 Survivor Series screwjob; allegedly tried to kill himself; and accused WWE Chairman Vince McMahon of firing him because of his sexual preferences.

Next week, Kanyon is scheduled to reveal who was behind GTV; who drove the Humvee; who raised the briefcase in the 1999 King of the Ring ladder match; and how they insert caramel into Caramilk brand candy bars.

Canadian Bulldog is a borderline journalist who writes weekly for World Wrestling Insanity and Online Onslaught and has published his own book of nutty e-mails to wrestlers. See his obscenely expensive Canadian BullBLOG for more details. He welcomes your comments at CanadianBulldog@worldwrestlinginsanity.com