Growing up as a wrestling fan in the 80s, Saturday morning wrestling was always a time of wonder and excitement for me. If something big was going down, it was going down on Saturday morning. Normal kids were out playing baseball or fishing with their dads. Not me. I was sitting in front of my TV wondering if Ken Patera would finally get his revenge on the Heenan Family. Or if Demolition would seriously injure another poor jobber. What kind of wacky haircut will Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake be giving his opponent today? I’ll go outside and play when wrestling’s over. Not until.
Back then, kids could watch wrestling. Sure, some parents may not have been thrilled with the idea of their eight-year-old sons and daughters watching an oiled-up and gyrating Rick Rude making out with soccer moms from the audience, but that was nothing compared to what goes on now. There’s man-on-woman rape, man-on-man rape, woman-on-woman rape, man-on-corpse rape. It seems the McMahons can’t get enough rape storylines these days. I mean, how else could they dramatically build to a big-money wrestling match without having someone being forced into sexually unpleasant situations?
Long gone are the days of “Outlaw” Ron Bass and his trusty bullwhip Ms. Betsy. Matilda won’t be chasing Bobby “The Brain” Heenan around the ring this Saturday morning. To make a long story short, wrestling sucks nowadays. And yes, I am a bitter old bastard.
Which brings me to Saturday-morning AM Raw. A show that could be so much more. A show that should be so much more. Why not have some exclusive matches? Why not have guys like Shelton Benjamin, Gregory Helms, and Tajiri wrestle and cut promos on Saturday mornings, since they’re not being given ample time on Raw to shine? Call up some OVW guys and see what they can do. I think AM Raw could work for WWE if they invested more into it. Hell, it’d be great even if it were just an AM magazine show hosted by Mean Gene that showed matches from Heat and Velocity, showcasing talents like Paul London, Brian Kendrick, and Nick Dinsmore. Maybe use it to build a real tag division. They have the TV time on USA. They have the talent. Saturday-morning wrestling is a proven commodity. Why not utilize these things to their maximum potential?
It’d certainly make my job a lot more enjoyable.
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Intro, fireworks, etc.
Jonathan Coachman welcomes us to WWE AM Raw, and introduces the viewers to JR’s “temporary” replacement and former ECW play-by-play man, Joey Styles. This is Joey’s first ever AM Raw and he’s very excited to be here. They hype the upcoming matches and then send it down to Lilian Garcia for ring introductions.
Victoria and Candice Michelle defeated Trish Stratus and Candice Michelle in a tag team match. If you saw Raw, then you saw this match. If you didn’t see Raw, well, then, here it is. The heels won after Candice slipped her wand to Victoria, who in turn bashed poor Mickie James in the face with it while the referee was distracted. Trish looks frustrated after the match, but still very sexy.
Up next: Hardcore Tag Team Action! Hardcore! Hardcore! Joey Styles goes a little overboard with the hardcore sell job, as you’ll see after these…
Commercials.
Kane and Big Show (*) defeated Trevor Murdoch and Garrison Cade in a World Tag Team title hardcore match. Joey was pumped for this one, even going so far as to say he was getting “extreme goosebumps.” Oh my God. Joey, they’re just using trash can lids and a kendo stick. It’s really no big deal. They do it all the time. Seriously, though, are there no other weapons these guys can use? The match itself wasn’t bad. Cade and Murdoch looked good out there with two proven superstars. It ended when Kane and Show double chokeslammed Garrison Cade through the obviously gimmicked announce table for the win. Welcome to AM Raw, Joey. Was that “extreme” enough for you?
Speaking of extreme, Kurt Angle is walking. The main event tag match is next!
Commercials.
Kurt Angle is introduced first, as the crowd chants “you suck” in time to his music. Apparently Kurt is bothered by this, ‘cause he grabs a mic and demands the crowd to shut the hell up and show him some respect. He’s an Olympic gold medallist, dammit. He goes back up the ramp and tries his entrance again, only the chants are even louder this time. He berates the crowd a little more, and blames them for his broken neck, the neglect of his daughter, and his wife leaving him. He did it for us, the WWE fans. Thanks, Kurt. He tries the entrance again, but to no avail. The crowd is hot. He finally gives up and walks out before the other participants are introduced. We’re left to ponder this stunning development as we enjoy some…
Commercials.
Kurt Angle is shown backstage with Eric Bischoff. Angle threatens to walk out on the main event, unless Eric assigns a “special guest referee” for the match and stops the crowd from chanting bad things at him. Eric reluctantly complies and tells Kurt that he’ll “take care of everything.”
Triple H is on the stage in his big leather chair, and Rob Conway is in the ring. The Nature Boy Ric Flair makes his entrance and tells Lilian to announce him as “the man who beat Triple H at Taboo Tuesday.” Triple H doesn’t like this, as is apparent by his sneer turning into even more of a sneer. Nobody sneers like Triple H.
Ric Flair (*) defeated Rob Conway in an Intercontinental title match. It’s been said that Ric Flair could carry a broomstick to a passable match. This was one of those cases. The match ended when Flair made Conway tap to the figure-four leg lock while he was using the ropes for leverage. Triple H immediately attacked Flair, and the two brawled around ringside for a while. They fought into the crowd and toward the backstage area. It was eventually broken up by Dok Hendrix. Thank God for The Dok. And thank God for…
Commercials.
Bischoff just told someone in his headset to wait for his signal. And so the plot thickens.
Kurt Angle makes his fourth entrance of the night to a rousing chorus of…wait a second. They’re censoring the crowd. Kurt can’t hear the chants of “you suck” because someone’s hitting the bleep button. That’s brilliant! Way to go, Bischoff. Angle seems pleased as he makes his way to the ring. His partner this evening, Chris Masters, welcomes him with open arms. HBK and Cena come out, and then something crazy happens. Daivari (of middle-eastern terrorist fame) is announced as the special guest referee that Angle requested. Isn’t that crazy? Well it’s not as crazy as these…
Commercials.
Shawn Michaels and WWE Champion John Cena lost to Kurt Angle and Chris Masters via disqualification. The match is joined in progress after the commercial break. Here’s a situation where you have two of the best workers in the company, and two of the worst. You fill in the blanks. The match mercifully ended after Chris Masters hit HBK in the stomach with a chair, HBK grabbed it back from him, swung and missed, and was disqualified by the referee for it. Good ol’ crappy cheating referee screwjob finish. I feel like we see this every week.
After the bell, HBK superkicks Masters, and is subsequently attacked by Kurt Angle. John Cena makes the save and leaves himself vulnerable for a Daivari chairshot to the back. The heels celebrate as the show fades to black. Quick subliminal WWE logo and we’re out.
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For those who didn’t notice, this was a special championship edition of AM Raw. The women’s champion was in the opener, the tag champs successfully defended their titles, the IC champ successfully defended his title, and the WWE champ wrestled in the main event. This show has come a long way, baby, and I’m excited to be a part of it.
Personally, I think it’s better than Smackdown.
Thanks for waking up early with me, kids. Next week, I promise, breakfast in bed. I had a rough night last night. Didn’t get in till 4 am. I’ll make it up to you, I swear. You like pancakes?
Send your hate-mail to Mike Nicolau. He loves hate-mail.
