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Hey hey! What’s the deal, kiddies? You have a fun Sunday? What did you do? Cyber? Lucky you. Speaking of lucky, John Cena is lucky that his WWE title wasn’t on the line last night as King Booker became Champion of Champions. Now that Kevin Federline has crossed over from A-List celeb sex partner to WWE superstar, will the reigning WWE Champion have something in store for the rat-like rapper? How about Cryme Time’s assent up the WWE ladder of success? Can the new duo make it to the top or will someone turn the table on them and steal the ladder before they reach it? Can Ric Flair and the weebly-wobbly Roddy Piper hold on to their World Tag Team Titles in the face of such challenges as The Spirit Squad, The Highlanders, and, of course, Father Time? Finally, is Eric Bischoff in for a DeGeneration X beat down now that he has screwed the two golden children of World Wrestling Entertainment out of a victory over Edge and Randy Orton? Was Rated RKO on in the plan? There’s only one way to find out. Grab an extra large conehead sundae, clean out your dishwasher, and hold on to your foot-long. It’s Monday Night. It’s 9pm. And it’s time for two hours of Raw….if you weeeeeel.

Last night was Cyber Sunday. It was the pay-per-view that we, the fans, created. Then we, the fans, paid for it. Ha ha on us.

Raw Theme Plays.

Ahoy, mateys. Cyber Sunday is in the record books and we’re here with a brand-spanking new edition of Monday Night Raw. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are at ringside and, speaking of brand-spanking, what will Kevin Federline have to say tonight as he addresses his assistance in helping Smackdown’s King Booker trounce the Monday Night Rogues? It’s certainly volatile for all involved. How volatile? Very volatile. J.R. and Jerry say that 25 gagillion people voted for Cyber Sunday last night. They again thank us for helping to create a sub-par pay-per-view and then go to ringside as Randy Orton’s “Hey” song is playing.

Rated RKO is in the house and sporting some gold. Granted, it’s the Women’s Title, but whatever. Gold is gold around here. The first person to speak is “Edge” Adam Copeland. He starts things off by introducing us to the Four Time Women’s Champion Lita, who’s breasts looks like they’re ready to pop out and start chasing people. After her, it’s time to applaud the men in the house. Team Edge Orton destroyed DX last night! They beat them down like circus clowns, so rest assured that you won’t see their “jokes for eight year olds.” Need a visual? Fine. Check it:

Video of Edge and Randy defeating DeGeneration X thanks to help from Eric Bischoff’s grandfather.

After we return from the mini-movie, Randy Orton takes control. He says it’s the first time that DX has been beaten and insinuates that the people booing were secretly happy. Hell, they all voted for Eric Bischoff, right? Right. So it’s not RKO that did the damage…it was the people. Yes. The same people that Rikishi hit Stone Cold with a car for. It’s your fault. We’ll blame you. So now that that’s out of the way, let’s get Easy E. up in this mutha!

Eric Bischoff comes out and he’s beaming from ear-to-ear. He thanks everyone in attendance for voting him into Cyber Sunday last night. Kudos, fansies! Mucho appreciato! Without you, none of this could have been possible. The fans are just a portion of the gratitude recipients tonight. There’s Edge. There’s Orton. Hell, there’s Mr. McMahon! Yeah! Believe it or not, Eric wants to thank Vinnie Mac for helping him out last night. Guess what. Go on, guess! Vince must be off his meds again because he’s so thrilled with the sales for Bischoff’s book, Controversy Creates Cash, that he’s agreed to make Uncle Eric…tonight’s general manager of Raw!

Temporary GM Eric begins by doing what he does best when he’s in charge…ruining the show. He gives John Cena the night off and bans DX from the building. (JG Note: There’s got to be a few kids in the audience with “Word Life” shirts and “Suck It” hats crying right now. So, I guess that‘s funny. Good job, Eric.) However, don’t count the Bisch out yet. He’s gonna give you a night to remember. Yeah. How’s about Johnny Nitro vs. Jeff Hardy? Good? Huh? You like? That’s up next. But wait, there’s more…

Hey Ric. I think I broke my arm. Can you take a look at it?

Yeah. Cool, right? Doctor says that if I get any paler, you‘ll actually be able to see my heart.

Ric Flair and Roddy Piper have arrived and they have the World Tag Team Titles around their waists. (JG Note: That’s no small feat for Roddy. It looks like he’s shoplifting a watermelon. It’s just horrible. He’s in the worse shape he’s ever been in. It’s the type of thing that you call people in the room to see. Yo. Dude. Look at Roddy Piper. Crazy, right? Amazing. Now keep in mind that I wouldn’t even be saying this if he wasn’t a tag title holder. If he was just doing an appearance here or there, you could say, “Well he’s retired and can do what he wants.” But he’s a tag champion. It’s just horrible.) The Nature Boy reminds Sleazy E of the night he was roughed up by the Dirtiest Player in the Game. ‘Member that, ATM boy? Of course ya do. David’s dad beat you up backstage. Whooo! Copeland takes offense. You can’t talk to the great Bischoff like that! Au contraire, Canuck. Slick Ric can talk any way he pleases. Oh, and just so you know, he’d have no problem doing it again. Adam tries to bring up Naitch’s last appearance on his show, the Cutting Edge. This sends the Eggman into a tirade.

“You and your show are nothing more than a Roddy Piper rip-off. Oh you do it good, at least. Orton, you can’t even rip off your old man. And Bischoff, “Controversy Creates Cash.” I was born to controversy! Oh was I born to controversy and neh-neh-neh-neh I don’t want to hear anymore. ‘Cause just when you think you have all the answers , the Nature Boy and I change the questions!”
                                                                        - Roddy Piper

He says, “Controversy Creates Cash” in a wicked witch voice. It was really strange. Also, for those of you wondering, Born To Controversy is the name of Piper‘s upcoming DVD. I feel like WWE has stock in the word “controversy.” Can you buy stock in words? I think Michael Cole has some money in “damnit” too.

Anyway, the music hits and the World Tag Team Champions prepare to take their leave. Don’t walk away so fast, fellas. (JG Note: I don’t think that’s an option) You don’t change the questions. Uncle Eric does. With that, the Wicked Bisch of the South books a tag title match tonight. It’s Ric Flair and Roddy Piper against Randy Orton and Edge in a match with no disqualification! Put that in your bagpipes and blow ‘em!

Commercial Break. The X-Box 360 slogan is “Jump in.” I’m tempted to buy one, jump on it, and then sue them. I can be like, “They said I could get inside of it.”

John Cena made the media rounds this week. Robin Quivers wants to have sex with him.

The Nitro Home - December 1989

John, would you like to explain these to me? Your mother found them in your room.

I’ll show you, dad! I’m gonna wear big fur coats on TV one day! You’ll see! You’ll all see!

1. Johnny Nitro pinned Jeff Hardy to win the Intercontinental Championship

This is another one of those things that you can really look at from a number of angles. First, you have the frustration over doing this on free TV when many people ordered a pay show last night. Then again, there was a title change last night anyway. Also, you can look at the now-weekly involvement of Kevin Federline and figure that Nitro is a natural IC Champion since he’s pseudo partners with K-Fed. Then again, you can say that Jeff Hardy would have benefited from a longer title reign. Then again, you can argue that titles don’t mean anything anymore. While you’re doing all this wondering, you miss the finish of the whole thing though. Stop wondering. Pay attention. Melina interjected herself and was caught strangling Jeff Hardy. The referee argued with her, but let it slide. Moments later, she tripped Hardy as he ran into the ropes and the referee called for the disqualification.

What? What’s that you say? It says at the top that Nitro won the title, right? Well, I ain’t fibbin’. Eric Bischoff arrived and ordered the decision null and void. Using the same quick thinking that took the N.W.O. from awesome concept to show-draining cesspool of despair, he declares that the match will be restarted with new rules. There will be no DQ and no countout! Ring that bell!

The second time around, Jeff Hardy seemed to have more success. He scored several near falls over the K-Friend. However, all the Twist of Fates and Senton Bombs in the world couldn’t save Matt’s brother from his inevitable fate. Johnny Nitro slammed him across the face with the Intercontinental Title and then pinned him for the honor of holding it. Sorry, panty-hose arms. You lose.

Up next: Kevin Federline has something to say. You want to know what it is, don‘t ya?  Oh. Well, watch anyway.

Commercial Break. WWE’s Hell in a Cell toy cage is “massive and totally playable.” Uh, isn’t that just a given? I mean, if it isn’t totally playable, then it’s not a toy. It’s art.

Eric Bischoff is surrounded by a horde of midcarders backstage. It’s Hacksaw Jim Duggan, John Coachman, The Spirit Squad, and Eugene all wedged into Easy E’s office. Gene begs his Uncle to not go nuts tonight. Bisch refuses though. He tells his nephew to gear up. You can’t tell your uncle what to do. In fact, New World Eric has some news for you knuckleheads. Tonight we’re gonna have The Spirit Squad vs. Eugene and Hacksaw Jim Duggan. How’s that? Oh, let’s make things a bit more interesting, shall we? The stipulation is as follows: The losers must split up and never wrestle as a tag team again. Not ever? No never. What never? Hardly eeeeever…..

Seeing this act of power abuse, John Coachman is turned on. He compliments Eric on his evil decision, but doesn’t get to talk long. Maria shows up and Bischoff is glad to see her. Hey, Bubble head, remember Easy E’s trial in December? Remember how you did the dummy routine and helped to send the Bisch out to pasture? Well, payback’s a beech, baby. Tonight, you’ll be facing…Umaga! If you don’t, you’ll be out of a job! (JG Note: Two things here. First, how much power does Eric have as a one-night GM? He can fire people? Why can’t he just strip all titles? It seems he has unlimited power, right? Also, they’re referencing his trial as motivation for revenge? That ridiculous trial? It was so over the top that it’s insane to think he’d be mad about it as if it was real. This is the same trial where Boogeyman appeared out of a puff of smoke, right? Yeah. Just making sure we’re on the same page here.)

Back in the arena, Kevin Federline is stealing Max Headroom’s gimmick. He’s up on the Titan Tron and all we see is his head. K-Fed lays the spit down, yo. He knows we all liked watching him screw over John Cena last night. Yeah. We liked it as much as his new album Playing With Fire. In fact, Kevin the Poet Laureate says that’s what Cena did. He played with fire. So, in response to the WWE Champion, Federline issues a challenge. You can fight K-Fed in one of the many cities that he and his “wife Britney live in.” It’ll be Miami. It’ll be New Year’s Day. It’ll be Raw. That’s right. It’s the wrestling debut of the A-List husband and E-List rap star K-Fed. Prepare yourself. The Fireplayer ends the promo by telling the Marine that, when it comes to rapping, he can’t see him. You know what?  If you had told me two months ago that Kevin Federline would be wrestling John Cena in the main event of the first Raw of 2007, I’d have laughed my ass off. Matches like this one are the reason this site exists.

Commercial Break. There was a primetime TNA Impact commercial hyping Kurt Angle.

Kenny! Mikey! Tugboat! Lambchop! Denver The Last Dinosaur!

2. Losing Team Must Split Forever: The Spirit Squad defeated Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Eugene

Thought you had this one figured out, huh? Not so fast, pallie. Fortunately, the Squad didn’t suffer the break-up here. I was glad because it would have been a waste to do it in a stip rather than an angle. Either way, it was Duggan and Eugene who ended up on the losing end of the stick. What followed, though, was the real story.

After the bell, Eugene had a hard time grasping the situation. He seemed saddened over losing his partner and gave him a tender hug. Awww. Gene and Jim are no more. Tear. As any wrestling fan knows, emotional moments don’t last long. Usually someone comes attacking with a chair or a snake or a branding iron or something.

In this case, it was fists followed by a 2x4. The victim - Jim Duggan. The attacker - Eugene Dinsmore.

With insane screams and flailing fists, Eric Bischoff’s make-believe nephew went buck silly on his former mentor. Duggan was pummeled with his own piece of wood and seemed to be down and out. Then, in a sick looking spot, Dinsmore pressed the board against Hacksaw’s throat and pushed down on it. Jim’s face looked like it was going to pop off. Crazy. There you go - the shocking and violent heel turn of the guy who used to carry a stuffed bunny. I guess they figured that if they could get people to boo Eddie Guerrero’s widow, then a mentally handicapped guy should be no problem.

Commercial Break.  You can get my book, World Wrestling Insanity, from Amazon.com.  Sure, it didn't get me a one-night only GM spot, but whatever.  I pretend in my head.  I just booked a match between my couch and my Playstation.  How's that?  I'll make my own guest GM thing, Vince.  Ha!  Ha on you!

3. Umaga beat up Maria

This was a good segment. Umaga got over as a monster heel. The concept was that Maria, who was lead to the ring by her arm thanks to John Coachman, was scared to death and Maga was more than eager to eat her alive. He nailed her with a Samoan Drop and railed her with a butt-bump to the corner.  (JG Note: Get your head out of the gutter. Giggidy) When Armando Alejando Estrada climbed the apron and broke his cigar, signifying the death of the ditzy diva, it cued the big save. Out comes John Cena two minutes two late. Good work, Marine.

The Doctor of Thuganomics goes wild on all around him and send the Samoan Bulldozer scurrying from the ring. He runs around and screams while the “paramedics” check on the beaten woman.

After saving the half-dead maiden in distress, John Cena is approached in the ring by Todd Grisham. He asks the WWE Champion what he’s doing in at the arena. John says that everything is so confusing around here. Nothing makes sense. In fact, he says this:

“I lost last night. I had a bad night. I’ve lost matches before, but you move on. Nothing makes sense around here! Up is down. North is south. Left is right. Eric Bishcoff. The last time we saw him, he was in a dumpster fired. Now he’s the general manger for a day. Kevin Federline. K-Fed sneaks into the building last night behind our crack security staff. Thanks, guys. Because he does that, now he has the gumption to challenge me for a match. Umaga. Umaga, what’s he run out of people to beat up on Raw so now he has to beat up on the divas? Look at you. When was the last time you were in the middle of the ring asking questions? You’re usually backstage taking naked photos of yourself for your Myspace page. I don’t get it. So right now, we’re making sense of this and I’m starting right here in the ring tonight because you want to fight.”
                    - John Cena right before F-Uing Todd Grisham

Poor Todd. He had to get beat up sooner or later. On a side note, think the divas are surprised to learn that they’re not on Raw. Anyway, we continue:

“It is time to make some sense up in here! My name is John Cena an Eric Bischoff wants to give me the night off? I say back off, jack off! The undefeated Samoan Bulldozer Umaga run out of targets to beat up on. Wants to beat up on the divas. My name is John Cena. Next time you feel like beatin’ the hell out of somebody. You try beatin’ the hell out of me. Kevin Federline wants to get his ass whipped on New Year’s Day. I got some advice for ya, K-Fed. Take that 300 Million that you stole from Britney when you married her, buy yourself an army, a navy, and an air force because that is the only way you make it out of Miami alive! What that means is Hit Me Baby One More Time! I accept your challenge. Do you see, people. This is what’s called a Moment of Clarity. Because it doesn’t matter if your Todd Grisham, Eric Bischoff, Umaga, Kevin Federline, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Gnarls Barkley, Abba, The Charlie Daniels Band, The Brooklyn Brawler, the Ghost of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, I am John Cena, the WWE Champion, and I am right here! Which means, if you want some, come get some!”
                    - John Cena

Not a bad promo. It was his second good one in two weeks. The crowd didn’t pop at the end as much as you’d expect. But it is what it is. They’ll be using sound bites from this speech for a while.  It'll also be funny to see who will know who Gnarls Barkley really is and who will think that Cena screwed up.  PS: Extra points for John doing a promo that included both Abba and The Brooklyn Brawler.  Don't see that every day.

Jim Ross says that it’s as simple as that - “You want some? Come get some.” So noted. No one defines what “some” is, though. If it’s chicken fingers, then count me in! Mmmm!

Retro Commercial Break. Yes, that‘s Ryan Reynolds.

Eric Bischoff and Lita are in the leather couch room and they’re both jovial. You see Johnny Nitro's IC Title win? Booyah. That was Eric’s doing. Also, did you see Uncle Eric’s favorite nephew go nuts? Nice, right? Plus, the best part of all, there’s no DX! Yeah! Oh what a night! One question, though, Mrs. Edge. Why would you ever offer to defend your Women’s title against Mickie James? Well, Bisch, Leets has an idea. She whispers it into his ear and it earns her a smile. We aren’t privy to the confidential information, but something tells me we’re gonna find out. Oh yessss! Muhahahahahahha!

Carlito Cool is chilling with his newest hoochie mama. Torrie Wilson is sipping a soda while Carly bites his apple. Suddenly, the emotional moment is ruined (JG Note: See Spirit Squad-Duggan/Eugene) by Shelton Benjamin. Shelton tears into Carl right away. Nice job blowing your IC Title shot last night, Chia head. You didn’t deserve it and you didn’t win it. Mr. Benjamin should have won the voting! You know why he didn’t? Because he’s black! That’s right. Shelly challenges you to a match tonight to avenge his honor. When Coolio hears Benjamin’s racist claims, he laughs. With a look of stunned shock, he says, “Racist against minorities? Carlito’s a Puerto Rican!” Torrie laughs and this just serves to enrage Thea Vidal’s fake son. No matter, though. Carlito sets the record straight. You didn’t get any votes because you’re a whining little “pendejo.”

“I don’t even know what pendejo means, but anything with ho in it, it can’t be good.”
              - Shelton Benjamin

Shelton reacts with shock. How can you say that? He’s the epitome of ebony mastery. After telling the ails of “little black kids” around the world, Benji claims that he’s the envy of “all black men in the world.” That’s when the camera pans back to reveal Ron Simmons.

Say it, Ron!

Say it, Ron!

Say the catchphrase of the prime minister dies!

“Damn!”
       - Ron Simmons, again, 10:17pm

Commercial Break. WWE 24/7: WWE’s first pay-per-view was the Wrestling Classic. Corporal Kirschner wrestled in it. When I had him on Radio Free Insanity, I asked him about it and he didn’t remember it. I was like, “The one where Junkyard Dog won a car?” Nope. Thank God for WWE 24/7 though. We can all relive history through the eyes of the weird narrator guy with the overdramatic voice.

Cindy Margolis is live at ringside. For those of you that only watch or read magazines about wrestling, Cindy was the girl who Jeff Jarrett put in the figure four before he fought Chyna. She’s also going to be on the cover of this month’s Playboy. Go out and get one. Expand your horizons.

Chris Masters is in the ring and we don’t know who is opponent is. It could be anyone. There’s only one way to find out who. Eric Bischoff on the big screen…take it away!

The Bisch appears on the Titan Tron and names the man who will be getting a Masterpiece beat down tonight. That man is…Jim Ross!

J.R. can’t believe his Oklahoma ears. Eric wants him in the ring? Come awn! Jerry Lawler can’t believe his ears either. In fact, he’s so incredulous of his auditory senses that he stands up and demands an explanation from giant video-screen Eric Bischoff. Why don’t you come down from your big Titan Tron, Eric, and fight for yourself? Huh? How’s about if you, Easy E, go one on one with Jerry Lawler…tonight? Huh? Whatdaya say, Douchy McDouchenstein?

The Bisch finds this idea amusing. Pish posh, hee-hee. No way, Grandmaster Daddy. Eric ain’t fighting you. You seem ready to fight, though. How about if you step in the ring in Jim Ross’s place? Huh? How’s that? You like that? Hmmm. Little fightin’ there? Hmmm. Little, uh, back and forth? Little kickin’? Little punchin’? Hmmm. Well, let’s make things a bit more interesting. If you want to remain in the announce position on Monday Night Raw, well then you’ll wrestle this match with one hand handcuffed to the top rope! That’s right! A one-armed king against the Incredible Shrinking Man! Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

John Coachman runs to ringside with a set of handcuffs and we look ready to go. His majesty rejects the rogue Coachman and sends him to the mat with a punch. Hear ye. Hear ye. King Lawler shall put on his own restraints! So it is written! So it shall be done!

4. Chris Masters defeated Jerry Lawler via Full Nelson submission

Pointless. Boring. The entire match felt like de' ja vous. The only notable thing here is that Masters has shaved off his goatee. Besides that, it was what you’d expect. The King, in his street clothes, got pummeled for a while. He got in a few lucky punches, but found himself untied and locked in the Masterlock for the predictable loss.

Commercial Break. Now Spike TV is advertising the Ultimate Fighter Finale. Hey that Spike TV looks pretty cool, huh? I never watched it before because I always thought it was a channel about Spike Lee. It’s so confusing.

5. Carlito pinned Shelton Benjamin after a Backcracker

Cryme Time comes bumping out to their music, which has been altered. There’s no more forties and rollies. Now the announcer says Shad and JTG’s names. Just to make things completely insane, they’re going to do commentary. I gotta say, they may be a strange gimmick, but these guys deliver promos unlike any other. There’s realism to it and it’s not that wrestling-style of commentary. Before the match, they called Shelton Benjamin over and gave him a hug and complimented his chain. The best part of it all was hearing Jim Ross keep up with their slang. It was actually pretty funny, although somewhat bizarre. I guess it was all leading to the end, but initially there was no sense to CT doing commentary for a Carlito-Shelton match. There was no real relation between anyone there. That all changed as the match came to a close, though. The criminal baby faces helped the contest reach its finish by leaving the announce table and stealing Benji’s nice gold chain. Seeing this, Shelt became distracted. Real smart move, kiddo. All it took was a Carlito Cool Backcracker to score a three count. Poor Benjamin. He lost his match. He lost his bling. He lost his smile. Godspeed.

Retro Commercial Break..

John Coachman has taken Jerry Lawler’s position at the announce table and he’s ready to help us call the next match. Thank God. I don’t know what the hell we would have done without Coachman.

Mickie James and Lita both take the ring. Before their epic battle can commence, Lita drops a bombshell. Yes. It’s one of the most uncreative bombshells ever. The WWE Women’s Champion informs Mickie of this title match’s stipulation. It is a match where you will - wait for it - have one hand tied behind your back!

Wait. I know what you’re saying. “Hey! Didn’t they just have a match where someone had one arm tied somewhere, causing them a handicap?” Why yes! Yes we did! Yeah! Let’s do it some more! Tie up everyone’s arm! You! You at home! Go tie your arm to a chair! Do it! It’s all the rage!

6. Mickie James Has One Arm Tied Behind Her Back: Women’s Champion Lita pinned Mickie James

Pretty quick stuff here. Then again, what do you want? What a ridiculous thing, right? I mean, as soon as she said “one arm,” I was surprised. It seems so overdone and I can’t believe that no one looked at the run sheet and said, “Hey. Didn’t we just do this gimmick last segment?” Nope. Anyway. Lita wins. What did you expect? A miracle? No way. She’s Mickie James, not David Blaine.

After the hard fought victory, the reigning Champion of the World of Women takes the microphone and introduces the man who will referee the main event…

…No, Ted. I just need a few dollars. It’s a seller. It’s a seller. Yes! It is! Hulk is down with. It has a life of its own, baby…. Yes. What? No. It’s called Sock-o. It’s not Sock. Come on, Ted. Why would I name an energy drink after a sock? What? Socko means like “bammo.” You know, like “sock it to me” from the Laugh In TV program that the young people watch. What? Yeah, sure. I guess it could remind people of socks. But, wait…I didn’t say they’d think of socks! You tricked me, Ted! Come on! I need backers!

The WWE Tag Team Champions are introduced and John Coachman lets us all know that their combined age is “well over 100 years old!” Jim Ross sells it as a good thing. After all, he says, they’re Hall of Famers. Sure, J.R.. So’s Babe Ruth. I don’t want to dig him up and put a bat in his hand.

7. WWE Tag Team Champions Roddy Piper and Ric Flair defeated Edge and Randy Orton when DX interfered

Roddy Piper kept his shirt on for this one. Too many children were crying last night. The start of this one merited some worry. As one of the most underwhelming Raw main events in a long time, it was greeted by a silent and uninterested audience. Everyone involved really made up for it, though. In fact, it wasn’t even that noticeable, but all the people in the match started yelling to cover the silence. Bischoff screamed at the wrestlers. Edge screamed because he was in pain.  Piper screamed because he’s crazy. The whole time, J.R. and Coach yelled about the action in the ring. With all this yelling, you’d hardly notice the silence. It was there, though, and it was deafening. Even with his shirt on, Hot Rod looked terrible. His legs are almost see-through. Geez. Get him to a tan bed. I mean, Triple H’s orangy-brown for crying out loud! He can’t hook a Hall of Famer up with a day pass to a tanning salon? Come on. Be a team player! Making the crowd even more bored was the fact that Ric played the hot tag man. He waited on the apron while The Rowdy One, who looks so out of shape that it’s painfully hard to suspend disbelief when he’s in the ring with kids half his age, wrestled the bulk of the match. Sadly, when he finally made the tag, no one really cared. The arena quickly grew quiet again and only woke up to give an occasional post chop “whoo.” Following an Eric Bischoff-bump, The Nature Boy found himself Speared by Edge and covered by Randy. Mike Chioda ran to the ring, but failed to count to three. That’s when DX arrived and killed the tag division again. It’s what they do. With No-DQ, Shawn Michaels and Triple H were free to run in and cause havoc. They beat up Randy Orton and Hunter grabbed Flair, who I guess he likes again now, and pulled him over the fallen Legend Killer for the pinfall.

After the bell, Helmsley and Michaels were left alone in the ring with Eric Bischoff. Trips nailed him with a Pedigree and took the microphone. He says that normally he would have two words for us, but tonight he has three for us:

Big Dick Johnson.

With that, the WWE’s fat male stripper comes out and he’s got a DX jumpsuit on. Dick dances around the ring and the DeGenerates hold the fallen Eric in a restrained position. Johnson strips off his garments and then proceeds to rub his….uh, Johnson all over him. After that, he slams his ass into Bisch’s face.

Without a doubt, this was the worst Raw finish all year. From the start of the main event to the final show-closer of HBK, HHH, and BDJ, it was just painful over and over. The fact that anyone put this on paper and thought it would leave people in stitches makes me so sad. Rubbish. Rubbish. Rubbish.

The Boy Toy, The Game, and the site gag all pose as we fade to black.

All in all…This wasn’t pretty, folks. Not pretty t’all.

The wrestling was kept to a minimum so if you’re into that, then you weren’t happy. Tonight it was spectacle over everything. It had a very crash-TV feel and if this was a TNA show we’d all be blaming Vince Russo right now.

Admittedly, the Umaga-Maria thing worked. They played the Bulldozer up as a heartless monster and it helped to build credibility following his embarrassing beating of Steve-o. When John Cena made the save, it helped to solidify him as a hero. Of course, you can wonder why he didn’t run out two minutes earlier…or accompany Maria to ringside. Then again, we’re thinking too much. There’s plenty more things to make your head hurt without reading into it.

The Jerry Lawler beating is a good example. What’s the point? Is it to get Chris Masters over? How? By doing the same thing he was doing a year ago? Making matters worse, the double booking of “you have one hand restrained” was horrible. It was beyond unimaginative. A few weeks ago, I complained that WWE had the same two match finishes in one night. That was nothing compared to this. I could understand if the two matches were somewhat related, but they weren’t. This was just lazy booking 101.

Yo yo yo, Cryme Time stole Shelton Benjamin’s bling. What will this mean for the future of the self-professed envy of all black men? Something tells me it’ll be another round of “Uncle Tom” barbs and “Bryant Gumbel” jokes. In other words, it’s Faaroq-Ahmed Johnson again. Come on.

Say it, Faaroq!

Say it!

SAY IT!

Damn.

As for K-Fed on New Year’s, well that’s pretty cool, I guess. Maybe. Granted, he’s tiny and not convincing as a wrestler, but that’s the idea. I think it’s a great move for WWE to get some publicity. How they handle it can determine whether it’s a good or bad thing. It has the potential to be awesome or horrendous. Just depends on which way the wind blows.

Eugene’s beat down of Jim Duggan came off well and really made him seem like a deranged lunatic. I guess the whole heroic side of Gene is over. Now it’s time to turn him nutty. Hopefully they’ll be able to offend some people along the way.

As for the main event…wow. Brutal. Just brutal. Roddy Piper and Ric Flair continue to hold the WWE tag titles. Ugh. When the finale was booked, I thought it was a foregone conclusion that Rated RKO would walk away with the straps. I mean, what company would keep the tag titles on Ric Flair and a guy that’s in the same shape as a potato?

WWE - that’s who!

The final match was greeted with bored stares. That should have told them something right there. People like nostalgia. They like titles. They don’t like it when you mix them. That was evident here. As the night came to a close, you readied yourself for a title change and, of course, DX.

Well, you got one out of two. Hunter and Michaels came down, but they showed up before the finish went down. Insuring that that the tag scene continues to be tainted and that they’re current enemies fall even further down in the eyes of viewers, he helped Flair and Roddy retain. It was a terrible close to Raw and one that got worse when the big show-closer was the fat male stripper in a g-string grinding on Eric Bischoff. Then again, I’m not judging it on WWE standards. In terms of entertaining fans and serving to make good TV, it failed. In terms of making Vince McMahon laugh, it succeeded. So, according to WWE standards, it was a success.

As a whole, this show lacked any real oomph. Nothing seemed all that great. It was just there. If Raw was pre-taped and you read these spoilers, you’d probably skip the show.

That’s it for me. Check back tomorrow night when our own Mallory Mahling will have real time ECW results. Then she returns Wednesday with her weekly column. Come back on Thursday and see if James Couture makes history again this week with his Championship Profiles. We’ll have plenty of other content in the next few days including details on this week’s Radio Free Insanity guest.

As always, be sure to check out tonight’s Raw Insanity Extra on Club WWI. Also, for those who have signed up for ClubWWI.com, don’t forget to check out all that the new site has to offer. Right now you can check out the unedited version of my interview with Orlando Jordan, discussing his release from WWE, Chris Kanyon, TNA, and more.  Also, I have a 51 minute discussion with Kevin Kelly about all things TNA.  You can also hear the 37 minute talk with Corporal Kirschner. The undead soldier talks about WWE.com’s big mistake, drugs in wrestling, and much more. Plus, you get the full interview conducted with Nidia about her pregnancy, false stories that she had her implants removed, the real reason Linda Miles left WWE and more. Plus, you have the 56 minute discussion with Lisa "Ivory" Moretti, the 63 minute interview with Bull Buchanan, the shoot that I conducted with Disco Inferno and the entire interview that Tom with Bobby Eaton, but there's much more. Not only that, but you can access the complete, unedited exclusive interview with Orlando Jordan and the one hour interview with Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, but you can hear all the archives from JG’s Radio Free Insanity. Going back to October 5, 2005, we’ve featured some of wrestling’s biggest names.

Also, if you haven’t heard this week’s edition of Radio Free Insanity, you can check it out by clicking the link:

The JG‘s Radio Free Insanity featuring Kevin Kelly and Orlando Jordan

Plus, don’t forget that we’ll have Dr. Tom Prichard’s weekly audio show “Tuesdays With Tom” available tomorrow at ClubWWI.com.

Want to see what you’re missing? We’ve added a link for latest Club headlines to the top of the page.