JG's Raw Insanity Extra:

K-Fed and His Smackdown Crew Sing
Hit My Baby One More Time

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Raw Theme Plays.

Hello, world! Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are kinda, sort, almost live from the UK and we have a hell of a show tonight. What will happen when the massive Umaga meets up with John Cena? Only one way to find out. Bess, batten down the hatches! Uh…Bess? Did you hear us? Batten down the hatches. Batten ‘em down already! We can’t get the show started until those hatches have been battened! Now move!

Hey Hunter! That guy just asked me if I had any fags he could suck on.

Forget what I said about cigarettes.

DeGeneration X is in the house and it must be chilly in the United Kingdom, because Shawn Michaels is wearing a cap. It wasn’t a leather cap either. It was just a regular ol’ woolen cap. Hmmm. The promo begins with Triple H asking for “quiet” from the Manchester crowd and then having them accompany him on the “Are you ready” shtick. Trips feigns writer’s block as he reaches the crowd participation part. He says that it’s hard to come up with new material each week. (JG Note: Which explains why he doesn’t do it.) After Lord Shawn gets the obligatory “suck it” chant from all the children in the audience, we turn our attention to DX’s issues. They have a checklist. Gamy reads the names and Michaels does the “check.”

Vince McMahon - Check

Shane McMahon - Check

Eric Bischoff - Check

“…Or as he’s called on the street now - Teabag.”
                                                      - Triple H, 9:08pm

Jerry Lawler tells Jim Ross to ask him later if he needs an explanation. In case the fans in attendance needed an explanation, they’re given one…in video form.

Video of: Eric Bischoff having his head shoved into the butt of “Big Dick Johnson,” WWE’s “comedy” fat male stripper character.

After the video airs, HBK gets so stimulated that he orders it played again in slow motion. Why? You know, just in case your non-wrestling fans missed the video the first time around. Wouldn’t want you to get through an entire edition of Raw without being mortified in front of family and friends…twice.

Video of:  Eric Bischoff having his head shoved into the butt of “Big Dick Johnson,” WWE’s “comedy” fat male stripper character…in slow motion.

After the second viewing, HBK says that he threw up in his mouth a little. Makes you wonder why he ordered it played twice, but whatever. He doesn’t get to babble too much though. He’s interrupted by the Coach.

That’s right. Not so fast, Boy Toy and Steph Toy. John Coachman ain’t about to let you guys run roughshod over the show. Eh eh! J.C. has ordered a rematch between Piper/Flair and Rated RKO. Johnny don’t want no trouble, buddies. No interference! Helmsley and Shawnathan mock the self-important baldie. A lot of good that did ya last week, Johnny. DX didn’t let any ban keep them from showing up. Whatcha gonna do, punk ass?

Coachy has a different plan this week, DeGens. That’s right. The General Manager/Executive Assistant/Non-Defined Authority Figurehead has offered a bounty to anyone who takes you two out! That’s right. Whoever destroys you two will earn 5,200 pounds! (JG Note: 5,200 pounds of what? If it’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch - count me in!) That’s other country language for $10,000. You heard it right. Jonathan Coachface has offered ten Gs to anyone who dismantles your green and black butts!

HHH and the Rocker laugh at John’s cheap ways. Ten thou? That’s it? HA! They laugh at your 10,000. After all, who’s gonna want that? Hmmm. I don’t know. Maybe Viscera. And Trevor Murdoch. And Lance Cade. And Charlie Haas. Yeah. They want it. Buckle up, boys. It’s time to go over four guys face insurmountable odds.

1. Shawn Michaels and Triple H defeated Trevor Murdoch, Lance Cade, Charlie Haas, and Viscera in a four-on-two handicap match when Hunter pinned Haas after a Pedigree

This was what it was. The crowd was into it since it was the first Raw match and had DX in it. Other than that, it was predictable. After all, there was no way that the Game and Boy Toy were going to drop the opening match to four lower midcard guys. That’s not to say that the Four Heatmen didn’t try their hardest. They did. Unfortunately, Cade and Murdoch aren’t as good as they were a month ago. Now they’re jobbers again. That’s what they did here. With a Gamy Pedigree to Macho Man Charlie Haas, this one was put to bed early

Still to come: Hardy vs. Nitro for the IC Title and Umaga vs. Cena for the WWE Title.

Commercial Break. The motion-capture joysticks are cool on the Nintendo Wii. Then again, I don’t like to move much when I play video games. If I wanted to jump around, I’d be at the gym or running from the police or something. I just want to play video games. The little men on the screen move so I don’t have to. I thought that was idea.

Backstage, the Spirit Squad are all ready for the upcoming contest against Rorrrry and Rrrrrobbie McAllister. Kenny insists that his crew relax. He tells his them to collect Coach’s bounty on Michaels and Helmsley. Cool?  Cool.

As Ken and Johnny left the scene, the remaining cheerleaders planned their attack. When they saw DX approach, they put it into motion…however that didn’t last long. The first cheerleader ran right into the open luggage hatch of a backstage bus.

Waaaaah-wah

The next attacker had his head slammed with a garbage can lid.

Boing! 

The final cheerboy ended up falling to the ground in a botched attack.

Splat Bam Boom!

The object of their ire, DeGeneration X, barely noticed they were there. Oh. What wild hijinx.

2. The Spirit Squad (Johnny and Kenny) defeated The Highlanders when Kenny pinned Robbie with a roll-up

Robbie. Rory. Johnny. Kenny. It’s like a fight during third grade recess. It’s really getting close to the time where the Spirit Squad needs to be broken up and given real names. Keep Johnny and Mikey in it. Splinter the rest off. Ken Doane could do plenty on his own. So can Nick and Mitch…I guess. After all, Nick carried Kerwin White’s golf clubs for a few days. After that, he played a cheerleader. Lucky him. Jim Ross called Kenny the “Big Toe” or the “Sgt. Hulka” of the team. Great Stripes reference by J.R. there. In the end, it was Sgt Hulka using his partner as a weapon to win. With the Bushwhackers in full control, all looked done of the SS. However, Ken’s quick thinking came into play. He pushed John into Rory and used the opportunity to roll up Robbie for the win. After the bell, we had the obligatory split-tease as the happy rah-rah music played out over the audio.

Back at the table, Jim Ross wants to offer Jerry Lawler a “thank you” for stepping up to defend him against Chris Masters last week. To celebrate this, we rewatch a video of Chris kicking Lawler’s ass. Nice. Guess what though, J.R. The King has agreed to get beat up again! That’s right. Lawler-Masters II is next!

Infamous Retro Commercial Break.

3. Chris Masters defeated Jerry Lawler in the Masterlock Challenge

Is Chris Masters a big rib on someone? I don’t get it. He’s in good shape, but he’s not in I’ll-kill-you-with-a-full-nelson shape. For this gimmick to work, you have to be huge. As we know, Chris isn’t as huge as he used to be. Before you shed tears for his career, keep in mind that there’s plenty more he can do. Why do they have to push him as this powerful ass-kicker when he visually doesn’t appear to be much larger than most guys? I don’t get it. Even if they want to keep him as the “Masterpiece,” he doesn’t have to do the Hercules Hernandez challenge each week and show how he can stop 57 year old men from breaking his dreaded finisher. That’s not to say that Chris is teeny weeny. If anything, he’s starting to look like he’s putting mass back on. That being said, there’s got to be a ton of other gimmicks that would click with this guy. Until we find one, we’re sticking with this one, I guess. It may not be perfect, but it's good enough to go over Jerry Lawler with.  Yes, sir.  After fighting back valiantly, the King found himself to be just another victim of Mini-Lex and his Full Nelson of Doom.

Back in the locker room area, Shawn Michaels still has a cap on as he eats some popcorn. He sarcastically says that all the worry is making him hungry. Oh. How Shawn wishes there was an easier way to deal with prospective attackers. Why can’t they just knock at the door and…knock, knock, knock. Why, who is that? It’s Eugene. The confused heel/baby face/whatever tells the DXers that he’s “here for the bounty.” Helmsley hands him some paper towels and slams the door in his face. Michaels quips that he eats when he’s nervous, so he might be 400 pounds by the end of the night. (JG Note: Big deal. The Coach is carrying around a 5,200 pound briefcase. Talk about heavy. Coachman got some arms on him, boy.) Again, Gene knocks. Again, he has the door slammed in his face. Finally, on the last knock, the DeGens let him into the room. He comes tearing through….right into the wall. Ha ha. Let’s all point and laugh.

Commercial Break. How is it that WWE can stop TNA from running house shows in Connecticut, but they can’t stop them from buying ad time during Raw?

Todd Grisham is standing by in the British Flag position for a special interview with WWE Women’s Champion Lita. Leets says that she can beat Mickie James anywhere. She would beat her in a box. She would beat her with a fox. Anytime. Anyplace. Edge’s lady says that she’s the “best Women’s champ of all time” and then takes her leave. I know a certain Canadian that might take exception to that statement. Yup. You guessed it - Corey Haim

In another section of the backstage area, DX are chatting it up. Unfortunately, Triple H has to excuse himself from the conversation to go “poop.” (JG Note: His father-in-law must be so proud.)  As he goes into the stall, though, he finds Chris Masters waiting for him. Once the door closes, we hear some commotion. When it reopens, we see the mess that the Game made. Yup. In all of about four seconds, he killed the Masterpiece. Nice.  That'll get him over. We’ll add him to the list:

Umaga vs. John Cena is up next. It’s in about three minutes. Did somebody say….three minutes?

Commercial Break. Todd Grisham even gets abused in the commercial for the Smackdown vs. Raw 2007 Video Game. He’s gonna bring a gun to work one day. Then you’ll all be sorry!

4. WWE Champion John Cena defeated Umaga via disqualification when Big Show interfered.

Todd Grisham jumped in to replace Jerry Lawler for commentary on this one. Right off the bat, he started acting all heely. He mentioned admiration for the Coach and told J.R. how “impressive” Chris Masters was as he beat up Lawler in the previous match. Wow. He must want Jim Ross to kick his ass too. I like the way they’ve used Umaga so far. He’s gone over the people he needs to. Hunter, Flair, and others all made him look like a monster. When it comes to a guy like John Cena - someone he’ll probably make money with down the line - WWE dances around any definite winners and losers. It’s a good way to put Maga in the ring with a top star while not throwing money out the window. This one wasn’t much to speak of prior to the big finale. Who’s the finale? Welll….it’s the Big Show! (JG Note: Oh! That must be what Coach was talking about when he said there was 5,200 pounds here tonight.) Once the ECW Champion puts his meaty hands around Cena’s whitebread throat, the ref calls for the ring-a-ding.

Following the bell, Umaga and the Show, who’s pushing maximum capacity on his sweat pants, both took turns beating the piss out of the WWE Champion. After many punches and kicks, it was Armando Alejandro Estrada’s broken cigar that signified his demise. Once the tobacco product was cracked in two, that was the signal for Maggie to give Johnny the Thumb of Death. A Samoan Spike later, Biggie and Bulldozer left the ring while Dr. Thuggy rolled around in pain. J.R. and T.G. wonder what will happen to the mighty J.C. at the Survivor Series when his two new beat-me-up-buddies are on the same team. Uh oh. I know a certain someone from New England who better get some thumb insurance.

Commercial Break. You can pick up Metal Gear Solid for PS2 or Gears of War for Xbox 360. I’m surprised that the army doesn’t include a sign-up form with it.

John Coachman still hasn’t given away his money to a bounty hunter. That’s when DX arrives to call a truce. Chill, John. Shawn and Hunter want to call this whole thing off. The night’s been a nightmare. Take a look at this whacky video set to the Benny Hill Music:

Silly music video recap of all the people DeGeneration X left in agony all night.

Now that the video viewing is out of the way, Michaels and Helmsley offer to leave the building. But…hey. Coachly. Here’s a thought. Since The Boy Toy and The King of Kings took themselves out, should they get the money? As Coachman turns Hunter down, he doesn’t even notice the saintly Shawn Michaels stealing his Irwin R. Shyster Bounty-In-The-Bank briefcase. 

Jeff? Jeff Hardy? Oh my God! Honey, it’s Jeff Hardy. Jeff, wake up!

What?! England? Holy crap. How long have I been asleep?

5. Jeff Hardy pinned Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro to win the championship

According to our Smackdown Recapper, UK’s Aaron Wood, this is the fist title change WWE has done in England for a while. That’s cool, I suppose. To me, it seemed like that same old gag where WWE switches up a title before they do a tour somewhere overseas so that once they get there, they can flip it back to the original champion and make the live crowd freak out. It’s an old trick, but it works. Worked here. The crowd liked it.  At the announce table, Todd Grisham was pretty annoying. He was playing Coachman’s old role. Todd drooled over Nitro’s abs and seemed too be into them a bit much. He also mentioned that Johnny’s good friend, Kevin Federline, was watching from home. It was the first K-Fed mention of the night, which shows how WWE is viewing this whole divorce. As for the match, it had some slow moments but started to build up well towards the end. With Melina screaming like a banshee, Nitro seemed to have everything finished off when he nailed Jeff with a corkscrew moonsault. He made the cover for a two count, but found himself rolled over. Hardy hooked the arms and legs and got himself an out-of-nowhere three. Of course, poser-heel Grisham says it seemed like a fast count.

After the bell was rung, Johnny Nitro really went to town. With his girlfriend shrieking in the background, he pummeled the new Intercontinental Champion with a ladder he found beneath the ring.  Once the damnage was done, he walked back up the ramp.

Outside the arena, DX is lamenting over how cold it is outside the building. They decide that the best course of action would be to buy tickets back in with the bounty money they stole. Unfortunately, the arena is sold out because, according to Hunter, “they heard DX was gonna be there.” (JG Note: Because they’re overseas. Let’s see ‘em try that skit in the States. The ticket counter would be like, “Yeah. Where ya wanna sit? Front row?“) That’s when the DeGenerate Duo decided to score themselves some hot tix. Yeah. Let’s find us a scalper. Now who could be scalping tickets….

…yo,yo, yo. It’s Cryme Tyme. Shad Gaspar and JTG have plenty of seats available at their ticket window. However, the two street talkers speak a different lingo than the Klique boyz. That’s when Michaels lets Triple in on his little secret. That’s right. Just like in the movie Airplane, HBK speaks jive. With that, he approaches the comical stereotypes and speaks his best homeboy slang. It earns him two tickets for three bills. That’s money, G. This was actually the best skit of the night. When CT presented the two tix and screamed “bang,” Helmsley jumped. Funny stuff. Also, once the transaction ended, ghetto-Shawn left, but Hunt stayed behind. He smiled at the scalpers and said, “Fo Shizzle.” Shad and J exchanged glances and let out an, “Oooooo Kay” before singing about their money.

Commercial Break. I’m really looking forward to “Going To Prison” starring Gob from Arrested Development. Would you like some Merlot? I make it in the toilet.

Backstage, Carlito Cool is reading the Daily Star when, as luck would have it, he’s approached by Torrie Wilson and Daily Star girls. Wilson invites Carly to an after-hours party, but he declines because his hotel is across the city and he has an early flight. Torrie offers him the chance to stay at her place, which frazzles our afroed friend. He agrees and says that he could stay "in the corner or something." The dog lady giggly agrees, but seems to think his reaction is, uh, cute, I guess. I feel like she’s going to have to draw him a picture to get her point across. Once she leaves, he uses his Daily Star to cover his private area. I thought this guy was cool. On a side note - be careful, Carlito. Back in WCW Billy Kidman couldn’t stop itching for a few years there. Might want to get her checked out first.

Survivor Series Card:

DX (co-captains) CM Punk, Matt & Jeff Hardy vs. Rated RKO (co-captains), Johnny Nitro, Mike Knox & Gregory Helms

John Cena (Captain), Kane, Lashley, Sabu & RVD vs. Big Show (Captain), Test, MVP, Finlay & Umaga

Ric Flair, Roddy Piper (co-captains), Dusty Rhodes & Sgt. Slaughter vs. Kenny, Johnny (co-captains), Nicky & Mikey

US Title Match: Chris Benoit © vs. Chavo Guerrero w/ Vicki Guerrero

World Title Match: King Booker © vs. Batista

First Blood: Mr. Kennedy vs. The Undertaker

Women’s Title Match: Lita © vs. Mickie James

Now DX is at the merchandise booth. The fans in the hallway freak out and chant “DX.” Why? Because, you know, they’re right there. Can’t not cheer ‘em. Hell. If it was Matt Stiker in the hallway, people would be tripping over themselves to slap him five. The DeGenerates have an ulterior motive for being  at the concession stand, though. They’re here to buy their merchandise…and then throw them into the waiting crowd. Ah. They’re like Santa Claus only, you know, Santa hasn’t been doing his gimmick as long as they have.

Commercial Break. Good news, hairy people! Truth.com says that cigarettes contain chemicals that can remove hair! Go out there and start smoking right away! When you’re done, you can use the butts to remove that unwanted body hair. Whoo-hoo!

As we got set for the next match, DeGeneration X was seated in the front row and triple H appeared to be holding some sort of salami. Oh what fun.

Back in the ring, both the Women’s Champion and her challenger were just about to begin their battle. That’s when Lita decided to preface the match with another stipulation-filled promo. That’s right, Mickie James. It’s another good news/bad news night for ya. You won’t wrestle with one arm behind your back like last week. Nah. Instead, you’ll have both your legs shackled together! Muwahahahahaha! At the announce table, Todd Grisham says that this isn’t the first time Mickie has had her legs shackled, just the first time in a wrestling ring. Oooo. Poser-heel snap! Once the legs are locked together, James lets the Women’s champ in on a little diss of her own.

“Everyone knows that you’re the one who needs your legs tied together!”
                - Mickie James, 10:49pm

(JG Note: Get it? ‘Cause she’s slutty.)

6. Non-Title Match: Mickie James (with her legs tied together) defeated Lita after hitting her with a salami and then a DDT

This was pretty crazy. There was a girl bound in chains getting beat up by a woman who wasn’t. It was just a big attack. At ringside, Michaels munched his popcorn and mocked Edge’s girlfriend with “ho” chants. Grisham observed the amount of snacks Michaels was having and wondered “what it is about people eating so much when they come over here?” Not sure who that line was meant for. Little did Todd know that the food would play an important role here. DX annoyed the Women’s Champion to the point that she left the ring to confront them. She pushed the Game and incurred an “oooo” from the crowd. The DeGenerates responded by squirting her with mustard and tossing the salami to Mickie. She used it to slam her opponent in the head. MJ followed with a DDT. Leets fell and was pinned for a 1,2,3.

After the bell, Todd Grisham made two - count ‘em TWO - puns about Lita getting hit in the face with sausage. Even with those, it was J.R. who got the best post-match comment award. For what, you ask? Well, he warned kids at home not to emulate what they do on TV. After all, according to Jim, mustard burns. He also mentions how a DDT will scramble your brains. I’ve seen people bury each other in wide open fields on wrestling programs, yet they pick mustard-squirting to warn kids about?

Suddenly Edge’s theme song hits and he arrives with his tag partner, Randy Orton. Angered over the injustice that has befallen his hoochie mama, Adam Copeland gets the Coach and demands that the Suck It Squad be removed from the building. Coachman complies. Hunter and Shawn are escorted away and we shoot to a commercial.

Commercial Break. On the commercial for his upcoming DVD - Born To Controversy, Roddy Piper asks how much rod I can take. Uh…none? I can’t take any, man. Sorry. I guess I can’t buy your DVD. I would, but I just…you know, I’m not into that. Nothing wrong if you are, Roddy. Anyway, good luck with that DVD there, sparky.

Edge and Randy Orton defeated Roddy Piper and Ric Flair to capture the World Tag Team Titles when Edge pinned Flair

OK. Forget what I said about the Hardy-Nitro thing. If you’re into title switches, then this was a good show closer for you. Also, if you’re one of Rowdy Roddy’s cardio critics (as Uncle Ralph and I discussed in our double audio last week on ClubWWI.com,), then you’re thrilled. Piper and Flair won the tag titles two weeks ago and, in my opinion, they should have lost them three weeks ago. Randy and Copeland are custom made for a tag title run. Also, with their program against DX, a tag title victory was a virtual inevitability. Now The Game can chase another belt around until he gets a hunger for that spinny title. Also, sit back and prepare to be amazed at how much airtime the tag titles get now that HBK and Trips are fighting for them. Something tells me they’ll be featured much more prominently than when Murdoch and Cade had ‘em. As for the match, Roddy Piper didn’t even make it into the ring,. Before it even began, he was crushed by a chairshot and left his Nature Friend to go it alone. Rated RKO went to work on Flair and mocked him each step of the way. Copeland did the classic Flair Strut and only enraged the announcers in the process. When J.R. mentioned Ric’s plane crash injury, Toddathon Coacham piped in with “That was 50 years ago.” Nice. Back in the ring, the crowd seemed pretty dead as Naitch made occasional but obviously destined-to-be-short-lived comebacks. In the end, it was a sloppy Spear that was his undoing. The Rated R Superstar stumbled into him with a messy Gore and got a pinfall victory. On a good note, this was without a doubt Roddy Piper’s best in-ring performance since his return.

Now, fade to black.

All in all…Nothing great. Then again, it could have been worse. After all, did you see last week?

Too much DX. I can sit here and write on about the overuse of characters - even good ones. I can sit here and mention how they can stand on their own without making everyone on the roster look horrible in the process. I can sit here and wonder when the nostalgia train is gonna hit 88 miles per hour and send us Back to the Future so we can stop the what’s-old-is-new gimmick. Then again, I’ve done all that. We talk about it every week. It is what it is. Tonight it wasn’t so great.

The Cryme Time Skit was funny. It wasn’t knee-slapping, puke-up-lunch funny, but it was alright. That being said, it was the best skit of the night. That says a ton.

Two title changes should keep all the people who like title changes happy. While they both weren’t earth-shattering, it was still a good idea to do them on an overseas tour. Give ‘em something to cheer about. No use in making them disenchanted like the rest of us over here at home base.

WWE stance on Kevin Federline is interesting. Obviously they don’t see his divorce as a positive thing or they would have mentioned him more. It looks like they’re seeing it as what it is. They booked a match two months in advance for a guy that might not even be famous anymore by then. Man. At least David Arquette was still married to Courtney Cox at the time.

Todd Grisham as a heel commentator stinks. It stinks bad. Whatever this guy’s position, it’s definitely not playing “The Coach” Jr. That’s the last thing WWE needs. Have they forgotten how it took like five years to get Coachman over? Actually, he’s not over. Scratch that. Either way, Todd has his own voice and you could tell by tonight’s weird back-and-forth with J.R. that this isn’t it.

Hi. I’m Chris Masters. I beat up Jerry Lawler easily. Afterwards, it takes Triple H four seconds to beat me up. Ergo - Triple H could eat Jerry Lawler whole. Continuing on this thought process, it makes Hunter ten times better than all the people Lawler has beaten in his career. You hear that, Austin Idol? Kamala? Doug Gilbert? Jimmy Valiant? The Game can take you! Ha!

Isn’t it amazing how for months, Carlito has a ton of matches with no backstage segments attached to them. However, at the same time, he has a ton of backstage segments with no matches springing out from them. It’s weird. All of his matches are against Shelton Benjamin or for the IC belt or something. All of his skits have to do with what women he’s trying to mack it to, but can’t seem to overcome his shyness. That’s pretty weird too. Wasn’t he supposed to be so GQ Cool when he first showed up? Now he’s dancing around the issue of sleeping with Torrie Wilson and took weeks upon weeks to get a kiss from Trish? That hair must have grown into his brain.

So, there ya go. No K-Fed. Plenty of D-Gen. Two title change. No more R-Pipe as Tag Champ and Big Show shows up to little to kill the champ.  

As always, be sure to check out tonight’s Raw Insanity Extra on Club WWI. Also, for those who have signed up for ClubWWI.com, don’t forget to check out all that the new site has to offer. Right now you can check out the unedited and uncut interviews with:

JG‘s Radio Free Insanity featuring Former WWE Producer Tim Horner in his first post-release interview

Plus, don’t forget that we’ll have Dr. Tom Prichard’s weekly audio show “Tuesdays With Tom” tomorrow at ClubWWI.com.

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