Brand New “All Paul‘s Fault" T-Shirt

We sent him home from the December 4^th, 2006 Raw/ECW Tapings. We blamed him for the horrible ECW pay-per-view. But wait…there’s more. Did you know that Paul E. Heyman was also blamable for countless other things? He cracked the Liberty Bell. He killed OJ’s wife. He changed the Coca-Cola formula. He kidnapped the Lindbergh Baby. He shot J.R. Hell, he even wrote all the songs on K-Fed’s latest album. Whatever bad things you can think of, Heyman did it!  If there’s blame to be had, give it to Paul. He likes it. Ask him yourself…if you can find him. Ha ha. We sent him home!

Price: $1.99

Black and White Hidden Video of John Coachman singing “I’m Too Sexy” to himself in the mirror. He’s a Superstar in a superstar machine. Taking it to the top! Emotion lotion…

Back from the vid and Coach is pissed. The bored audience even chants “What” at him with each sentence. That’s when Jonathon mixes things up a bit. Tell ya what, Marine. You want to be a big cool guy, eh? OK. Let’s do this, ass-munch. Tonight’s Masterlock Challenge will be for…the WWE Title! Ahahahaha! That's right. No one has ever broken the Master Lock before. Now, if you don’t, you’ll lose your belt! How’s that for making waves? The Champion stares in shock while Chris makes Full Nelson motions. Great.  Next week the belt will be on the line in a game of marbles.  The announcers are shocked as heck and we head to a commercial.

Commercial Break. I love how wrestling fans always worry so much about ratings. This is the USA network we’re talking about here. They play the same Matt Damon movie in primetime…for three days in a row. If WWE can’t thrive with competition like that, I don’t know what to tell you.

Team RKO are chatting in the locker room backstage when they’re informed that they have a guest. Who is it? It’s Mr. OVW in a Box himself - KENNY! Ken, in his street clothes, tells the tag champions that the Spirit Squad is dead. Let Kendell join your crew and help you out! He’ll be awesome back-up. Edge mocks such an idea. You bit the big one, kiddo. Until you prove yourself, you won’t get any sort of consideration. That's your ball, now run with it. Rah, Rah, Sis-Boom-You-Suck.

Lillian Garcia is in the ring and she has a microphone. Diamond Lil tells the audience that WWE Hall of Famer Roddy Piper has recently undergone surgery for Lymphoma. He has vowed to return and the next match is dedicated to The Hot Rod’s speedy recovery.

This was a classy move on WWE’s part. All of us here at WorldWrestlingInsanity.com echo WWE’s sentiments and send out all our best for his recovery as well. In fact, our own Mike Rickard is putting together a scrap book to send over to Rowdy Roddy. You can check out all the information by clicking the following link - Repay The Piper

1. The Highlanders defeated Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch when Rory pinned Cade

OK. So this one is dedicated to Roddy Piper. One team comes out where Roddy Piper outfits (The Highlanders). The other team doesn’t (Lance Cade in white jeans and Trevor Murdoch in his Justin Credible shorts). Who wins? Take a wild guess, David Blaine. Highlight of the match was at the end when Rory rolled up Lance. For some reason, Cade reached out to his partner, who was on the floor, and screamed “TREVORRRR!” It was like the end of a romance movie. Then there was a three count and it all came to an end.

Commercial Break. Live! New Year’s Night! Big, jacked up, former bodybuilder, veins-popping-out-of-his-shoulders John Cena faces 150 pound Kevin Federline. You hear that? That’s Kayfabe getting kicked square in the balls.

2. Victoria pinned Maria with a weird side-slam thing

Two matches in and I’m not really feeling this show. I mean, Cena-Masters in a Full Nelson challenge title match? The first match, while good in it’s sentiments, wasn’t anything special. Now, we get a two minute women’s squash. Oh yeah. Did I mention this one was like two minutes?  Victoria did some weird side slam thing and got the victory. 

After the bell, Mickie James came out to check on Maria. (JG Note: Because Mickie’s a doctor.) Vicki responded to this good sammartitan act by the Women’s Champion by beating the snot out of her. Bam. Ouch. As Toria left, we got a close-up of her checklist. Maria and Mickie James have both been checked off and it appears to be a pseudo-hit list. The announcers wonder who could be next on it. I bet it’s Paul Heyman. Oh wait…that’s Stephanie’s list.

Commercial Break.

Yo, yo, yo,. It’s the Ashley River old folks home. The silly setting is perfect for a fish-out-of-water appearance by JTG and Shad Gaspar. That’s right. What up, old white people? Cryme Tyme is here to sing all your old asses some straight-up Christmas Carols! Yo! The tag team sings renditions of carols about crack heads and pimps. The segment, while a bit funny at first, suffered the same fate of all these skits. It went on way too long. Even after it went on too long, it still went on even longer. After three songs, we went to a post-skit skit that saw the duo leaving the home with an elderly woman on their arm. When the man in charge of the home tried to stop her from leaving, she told him to take a hike…ebonicly, of course. Old ladies dig Cryme Tyme. Didn’t you know?

You know who else likes Cryme Tyme? Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Super Crazy, and Todd Grisham. That’s right. When the trio isn’t fighting crime and protecting Castle Grayskull from the evil Skeletor, they enjoy watching CT skits. In the background, Shelton Benjamin is nonplussed. The Former World’s Greatest Tag Team member hates The Tymers! They’re setting race relations back 20 years. For shame! As Benji explains his plight, he suspects that Crazy ain’t understanding. Tell ya what, Loco. Instead of trying to translate, why not just do it in the ring? Shelly challenges the confused Mexicool for tonight, but the joke’s on him. Super calls him a “punk ass beeotch” and scurries off to pick up his bee costume from the dry cleaner.

Commercial Break. I heard there’s going to be Unaccompanied Minors at the movies this Christmas. Sweet.

We’re back and Shelton Benjamin is still talking. He’s in the ring now and he’s got major ish with Cryme Tyme. Those stereotypes ain’t nothing! So to show his anger, Benji will take on Super Crazy right here tonight. After all, according to Shelton, Crazy can’t deal with a “well-educlated” man like himself. Ah. The ironing is delicious.

3. Shelton Benjamin pinned Super Crazy after a T-Bone Suplex

I joked about it in the last segment, but I have to say I’m genuinely surprised that WWE hasn’t stuck Super Crazy in a bee costume yet. It seems like something that would be right up their alley. Come to think of it, it’s just a matter of time before Sylvester Turkay wears a bear costume. Yeah. It’s happening. This one came to an unceremonious end, but the real story was the post match reunion.

Wide-eyed and insane, Charlie “Macho Man” Haas ran into the ring and began to celebrate his former partner’s win. The first Radio Free Insanity guest took Shelton Benjamin by his victorious arm and raised it up as if they had just beaten Darth Vader. The idea seemed to be that Chuckie was gung-ho for a rekindled team while everyone else seemed a bit uncomfortable with his…uh, enthusiasm. Ooooo yeah.  Dig it.

Commercial Break. Those unaccompanied minors better watch themselves at the movie theaters this Christmas. If they’re not careful, Rocky Balboa might kick their ass.

4. WWE Champion John Cena defeated Chris Masters in a Masterlock Challenge

A Full Nelson Challenge…for the WWE TITLE?! This is insane. (JG Note: You know who should be the most pissed-off about this? Billy Jack Haynes. Man. That guy used his Full Nelson all the time. At WrestleMania 3, he put it on Hercules so tightly that he drooled all over his back. If ever a guy should have had this chance, it was him. Poor Blackblood.) After the usual stalling thing, we finally get a lock up. Cena fights valiantly, but looks all but finished. Lex deepened his grip on the Champ and whipped him around like a rag doll. John looked like he had the hold all but broken, but the ref got in the way and did the bump thing. With the official down, Masters reached in for the grip again. He failed. Know why? Cause it was the Doctor of Thuganomics that locked in the Master Nelson first! Fading fast, The Masterpiece crumbled to his own hold just as the referee reached his feet.  John Cena puts Masters to sleep with his own version of the Masterlock.

After the bell, Umaga came tearing up the aisle with Armando Alejandro Estrada. The attack was unbridled and crazy. The Samoan Bulldozer took the fight to the outside and tossed Cena over the announce table. As John laid there in pain, it happened. It was one of those things that pulls you out of the moment and reminds you of what you’re seeing.

“John, you alright?”
- Jerry Lawler

Yup. The King leaned in and asked this to the WWE Champion as he laid beside the announce table…with his live headset still on. Even worse is that it was one of those sketchy, below-the-breath, wrestling-style “are you alrights.“ Ouch. It was one of those times where you look up and go, “No way.” I’m curious to see if they edit it out of the other broadcasts. Either way, John was alright, sorta. The fight continued and everyone tried to pull them apart. You gotta hand it to Cena. He’s feuding with a 300 pound Samoan Savage and Kevin Federline. No one has the diverse opponent list that the Marine does. You can’t see him.

Commercial Break  ECW December To Dismember is having an encore. Now that’s ballsy.

By the way, you can check out the 47 minute post ECW December To Dismember Audio that ZAH and I did earlier tonight on ClubWWI.com. We discuss the show and Paul Heyman’s fate.

Once we rewatch the big brawl from before the break, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler - with his weird lush new hair - inform us that Umaga has been summoned to John Coachman’s office. Wait.  John Coachman has an office?

Backstage, Torrie Wilson is getting herself a nice cup of something when the mighty Viscera approaches. Horny ol’ Mabel asks Miss Wilson to come back to his room so he can rub hot oils all on her. Ooo yeah, baby. This brings in Carlito, who suggests that Vis eats a bit healthier. Here, Man on a Sexual Mission, have some apple!

SPIT!

After leaving apple-spit all over the giant butt-pumper, Carlito runs off. In his place, Ron Simmons appears. The Acolyte looks around for a bit before finally letting out his trademark, “Damn!” They need to add a trombone to the end of these segments.

Speaking of trombones, Todd Grisham is ready to interview two dudes with attitudes, Degeneration X! The DX boys are getting serious right here. Triple H and Shawn Michaels look stoically into the camera. The Game doesn’t say a word, but the wool-capped Heartbreak Kid does. He speaks deliberately and tells Rated RKO that their attack on Ric Flair made things personal. Oh yes. It’s awn. That was about it. Just your basic threats and stuff. The one thing about this promo that struck me was how wrinkly Hunter looks when he doesn’t smile or talk. No wonder he’s always doing 45 minute promos.

Commercial Break. WWE 24/7 Presents This Week in Wrestling History - Chris Jericho becomes the Undisputed Champion. To win the title, Y2J defeated The Rock and Steve Austin both in one night. With help from Booker T, Chris had his name cemented in trivia history books for years to come.

I spit in the face of people who want to have sex with Torrie Wilson!

4. Carlito pinned Viscera after a moonsault

Did we really need this match? I feel like the whole night has been fluff. The only saving grace to this one was that it fell apart at the end. Torrie Wilson’s top fell off and she had to hold it together with her hands. Boing!  While we all stared at this, Carlito used the opportunity to smash Viscera’s face with a moonsault and scored a pinfall. After the bell, Torrie grabbed her Justin Guarini-lookin' man and gave him a big smooch. 

Backstage, John Cena has caught up with Armando Alejandro Estrada in Coach's office. The two exchange unpleasantries which feature the knowledge that Umaga and John can not touch each other for the duration of the year. Enraged, Cena grabs the sniveling manager by the collar and caused Lalo to all but pee-pee his Cavaraciis. Eyeing John Coachman in the distance, the WWE Champion uses the opportunity to do some political damage. He pretends not to see the acting GM there and yells at Estrada for claiming to be the one really in charge. When the Coach finally steps in to stop the assault, he’s visibly annoyed at what he thinks is Mando’s show of disrespect. Maybe that’s why he made the big match for next week…John Cena vs. Armando Alejandro Estrada: The War To Settle The Poop.

Commercial Break. Pick up an Xbox 360 this holiday season. There’s no greater gift than giving. Once you get it - send it to me. I’m just doing my part to help you give. As I mentioned, it’s the greatest gift. You’re welcome.

We’re back from the break and it’s the Kiss Cam with Maria…er, uh….Val Venis. Wow. I guess that’s what he’s up to. The Big Valbowski has the camera focus on a number of different people before finally settling on the two plants in matching red outfits. They act coy at first, but thankfully Sean Morley is blessed with the power to turn women gay. Venis brings them both into the ring and urges them to be lesbians. Do it! We’re in Charleston and Charleston is very tolerant of alternative lifestyles. So go on and make out, ladies! The two women give each other a brief peck. When the crowd shows their disapproval, they reply by doing the full on make-out thing.

Seeing both women rolling around the ground was too much for poor Eugene Dinsmore to take. He ran to the ring and exclaimed that he wanted a kiss. When both of the harlots refused his advances, he did what you might expect…he tried to mouth-rape them. With a handful of hooch, Gene tried to force a kiss on the frail woman. Val Venis stepped in, but got beat up for his troubles. The “special” heel screamed from ringside as the crowd, once again, stared in stunned silence. Is anyone in creative really surprised that this whole thing is getting no reaction? I mean, it doesn’t get much more uncomfortable than this.

Commercial Break. Black Christmas is coming to theaters on December 25^th. I liked the original. From the looks of the commercial though, this is nothing like the original.

Next Monday: John Cena vs. Armando Alejandro Estrada. On January 1^st, John fights Kevin Federline. Very random stuff, champ. In keeping with this theme, John will be facing Gary Coleman on the 18^th and a bag of Sunchips on Christmas Day.

5. Rated RKO and MNM defeated DX and The Hardy Boys when Edge pinned Matt

This has been a real screwy show. It feels like the whole broadcast was about this main event and everything else was just killing time until then. Even John Cena’s segment, while there to sell his Umaga conflict, felt like nothing more than wheel-spinning until the main event came. As for the pairings, it might be frustrating for someone who ordered the ECW pay-per-view for the “one night only” match of MNM vs. the Hardys to see this the following night. I get that it was “one night only” in ECW, but not everyone might. It seems pretty in-your-face to do it the very next night on free TV, no? Highlight of this match had to be Randy Orton doing a Ronnie Garvin Stomp…and Jim Ross calling it! (JG Note: Any Raw main event that includes a Fists of Stone reference, I’m lovin’.) As for the match itself, this was one of those that “never got out of first gear.” I mean, everyone did their thing and the action started to get fast and furious. Unfortunately, it never really seemed to click. In the end, Kenny Doane put it to an end with his run in. He slammed a steel chair against the Heartbreak head of Shawn Michaels. This caused Triple H to chase after him. By themselves, without the power of DX to protect them, the Hardys were toast. Edge nailed Matthew with a Spear and earned a three count.

Even though they lost, that doesn’t mean their music doesn’t get played. DeGeneration Invincible dragged the cheerless Ken Doane back into the ring. The Game nailed him with a Pedigree, no one reacted, and the tag champs talked smack from the ramp. Another Monday night. Another shot of DX plays as we fade to black.

All in all…eh.

I have to be honest. Tonight felt like a show that was 90% autopilot. They advanced Cena-Umaga…barely and reintroduced Ken Doane…somewhat. Other than that, there felt like a lot of filler and a lot of buffer time as we waited for the important things to happen.

The crowd was burnt out by the main event and even if all eight men tore the house down, I doubt it would have made much of a difference.

This whole Masterlock Challenge thing set a dangerous precedent. This opens the doors to World Title push-up contests, World Title bench-press competitions, and World Title pancake eating showdowns. The championship should be defended in the ring…in a match. I get that once in a while certain exceptions have to be made for stipulations, but a Full Nelson challenge is not the right setting for a title defense.

Eugene - that’s money there. A heel that people feel bad booing. A bad guy who’s bad because he doesn’t understand the world around him. It’s just perverse. I’m curious to see how long this goes on for before someone in an office pulls the plug or takes it to a crazy new level.

The World’s Greatest Tag Team Reunion seems intriguing. It’s the best possible spots for Haas and Benjamin at this point. Given Shelly’s anger towards Cryme Tyme, the duo already have a natural feud built in. Poor Viscera, though. Not only did he lose his Lillian Garcia killing partner, but he lost his match to Carlito. That’s not cool.

Umaga vs. John Cena feud is OK. The problem is that with their match booked for New Year’s Revolution, you can’t expect anything earth-shattering to go down until then. It is what it is. What it is right now is killing time. That’s what it is.

So there you go, guys. Nothing great by any stretch. Compared to last night’s pay-per-view, it was great. Then again, compared to last night’s pay-per-view, retiling my bathroom floor seems great.

As always, be sure to check out tonight’s Raw Insanity Extra on Club WWI. Also, for those who have signed up for ClubWWI.com, don’t forget to check out all that the site has to offer. Earlier tonight, ZAH and I recorded our post ECW December To Dismember audio report. ZAH and I talk for

While you’re at ClubWWI.com, you can check out the unedited version of my interview with The Mountie Jacques Rougeau from this past week. Jacques and I talk for a full hour about his career and some of the stories from it. He shares his favorite Mountie memories, stories of Hulk Hogan and Bret Hart, and even a no-holds-barred look at the United States. You don’t want to miss it.While you’re there, be sure to give a listen to the unedited interviews from all of our guests. Ted DiBiase talks for 25 minutes about his past in the business including his famous Million Dollar Man gimmick in the WWE. Also, Kamala gives the lowdown on why he refused to job for ROH Champion Bryan Danielson. Along with that, we have Orlando Jordan, discussing his release from WWE, Chris Kanyon, TNA, and more. Also, I have a 51 minute discussion with Kevin Kelly about all things TNA. You can also hear the 37 minute talk with Corporal Kirschner. The undead soldier talks about WWE.com’s big mistake, drugs in wrestling, and much more. Plus, you get the full interview conducted with Nidia about her pregnancy, false stories that she had her implants removed, the real reason Linda Miles left WWE and more. Plus, you have the 56 minute discussion with Lisa "Ivory" Moretti, the 63 minute interview with Bull Buchanan, the shoot that I conducted with Disco Inferno and the entire interview that Tom with Bobby Eaton, but there's much more. Not only that, but you can access the complete, unedited exclusive interview with Orlando Jordan and the one hour interview with Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, but you can hear all the archives from JG’s Radio Free Insanity. Going back to October 5, 2005, we’ve featured some of wrestling’s biggest names including Samoa Joe, Christian Cage, AJ Styles, Scott Steiner, Rhino, Charlie Haas, Christy Hemme, Molly Holly, Demolition, Jimmy Hart, and many more!

Also, if you haven’t heard this week’s edition of Radio Free Insanity, you can check it out by clicking the link:

The JG‘s Radio Free Insanity featuring "The Mountie" Jacques Rougeau

Plus, don’t forget that we’ll have Dr. Tom Prichard’s weekly audio show “Tuesdays With Tom” available tomorrow at ClubWWI.com.

Want to see what you’re missing? We’ve added a link for latest Club headlines to the top of the page.

That’s it for me guys. Be well and thanks for sharing the Insanity.