Folks, it's the future Nobel Prize winner in the field of Sports Entertainment (take that, T-Money from Battle Dome), me, James E. Couture. Well, the holiday season is upon us, and whether you have a merry Christmas, a happy Hanukka, or a konfusing Kwanzaa, we all know that nothing goes with a nice turkey dinner like a Championship Profile. So, to pay our respects to the Jewish community in honor of Chanauka (not to be confused with nunchakus, which is the weapon of choice of Michelangelo[the Ninja Turtle, not to be confused with the painter of the Sistine Chapel{not the first 15}]), it's Raven, U.S Champ! In the mid-90's, no wrestler was hotter than Raven. Okay, lots of wrestlers were hotter than Raven, but saying "Raven was a successful wrestler in the mid-90's" sounds like something off of a middle school report, or Wikipedia. Relative hotness aside, Raven dominated ECW (the one without Hardcore Holly) thanks in large part to the fact that Tommy Dreamer is a bitch.

"Dofooo manhba goertgah Timmy Drmer!"
-Great Khali (fabulous he), "The Complete Guide to People Who Beat Tommy Dreamer Down", WWE Books, 2006

Another reason for his success was the fact that he was flanked by his Flock, a veritable "Who's That" of wrestling mediocrity, from the semi-talented (Stevie Richards) to the semi-not (Blue Meanie). Because of his success in the AA of wrestling, the "big leagues" came a-calling in the form of WCW. Raven, ever the indivual nonconformist, signed with the multinational corporation. Lupus died a little inside.

"I was glad to have Raymond on board. I heard everybody loved him, so it was a real coup to sign him up. What? Raven? That bitch from the Cosby show?"
              -Ted Turner, Ebony Magazine's "Rich White People" Edition, 2002

So how would WCW debut this raided talent, this hot topic of wrestling? Well, I've got two words for ya: sitting down! Yes, Raven would watch WCW shows (obviously showing the audience at home his mental toughness and strong stomach) from the front row, being all "Raven-y" along with his new and improved Flock, featuring more luminaries like Van Hammer, Sick Boy, Bushroot, and Monterey Jack, give or take a scumbag. And really, how else would a wrestling fan like to his favorite wrestler? You can't get much more entertaining than a guy sitting and looking at stuff. After months of slow build up, though, Raven finally began, y'know, wrestling.

Because of his Flock, and his non-wrestling build up, Raven was presented as a master manipulator, kind of like Hulk Hogan and the nWo, but without the spraypaint, the starpower, or winning all the time. Still, Raven managed to climb his way into U.S. Title contention and narrowly lost in a Triple Jeapordy match (sadly, sans Alex Trebek as guest referee) to Chris Benoit and reigning champion Diamond Dallas Page. However Raven was offered a chance at redemption. Raven beat Benoit to earn another title match at the Spring Stampede. Like a stale donut in Tim Horton's parking lot, Page was no match for this Raven. The title Raven watched for so many months was his.

For a day. The next night on Nitro, Bill Goldberg recieved his first title match against Raven. Much as Page was a donut, Raven, like his namesake, was no match for either a spear or a jackhammer, and 24 hours after Raven's reign began, it ended.

"Obviously I'm gonna beat Raven. I'm the biggest star in the history of wrestling, and the greatest Atlanta Falcon since Steve Bartkowski! Where's my $100,000 dollars, please?!?"
         -Bill Goldberg, "Two Years to a Lifetime-Milking Fame in Wrestling", 2004

Oh, and in case the name "Goldberg" didn't tip you off, Goldberg's Jewish too. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go make my world famous scrambled eggnog. Mmmm, cheesy!

Well, until WWE replaces Ron Simmons with a cardboard cutout and a soundbite (DAMN!), I am in fact, James E. Couture.

What about me? What about Couture?