Yo. How are you all this fine evening? Good? How wonderful.

Anyways, Guttman called me and said that Mallory was doing TNA now. Mike Rickard, the guy who’s taking over ECW, is starting next week. So who do they call to bail them all out when there’s no one to recap ECDub? Ralph. That’s who.

Yeah. Rickard takes over next week. He’s a lawyer, you know. That means he passed the bar. That’s the only time he ever passed a bar without going inside and getting trashed. Yeah. I said it.

(JG Note: Mike Rickard actually is taking over ECW starting Tuesday. Be sure to check it out. Don’t listen to Ralph. He has issues. You should see the stuff I had to edit out of this report.)

So check this out. I got to see ECW before all the United States people. I was in Canada picking up some medicine. I like to go this time of year because when I go through the border, if the cop screams, “Let’s go! Vikes!” Everyone will think he’s talking about football.

So let’s do this. I got drinking to do.

Show starts. Tonight’s main event is Bobby Lashley against two guys in masks that don’t have names.

1) Test beat Rob Van Dam in a match that will probably make a lot of people cry.

Just to prove to you people that I actually saw the show and didn’t do this off of spoilers - Rob Van Dam wore his black outfit and Test wore…well, the only outfit he pretty much has. Test. What a dumb name. Test. I guess they figure that kids hate tests. Boo! I hate taking tests. Now I hate that guy because it’s his name. Yeah. This match was ok but had the same ending we see all the time when the flipping jumping guys try too many moves. There were some cool things like Van Dam straddling Test on the top rope by his grape nuts and hitting a windmill kick. Right after that, RVD wiped out. Test picked him up for a power bomb but Dam did his sunset flip thing. He was too close to the ropes though. Rob tried to pull him over, but the bad guy did what bad guys do. He grabbed the ropes and killed Van Dam’s buzz.

Matt Striker is here and he’s doing that Shane Douglas blackboard stupidity. He talks to the Boston crowd and says they should be aborted. He accuses everyone of “smoking the pot” and playing wiffel ball. Then he makes fun of their accents, dead basketball stars, John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, and Bill Buckner. Wow. This guy’s a big jerk. After all that, he calls out big Balls Mahoney. Matt goes, “Mr. Mahoney…” And for a second I expect the guy from Police Academy to come out.

But no, it’s my favorite guy - Balls Mahoney. Yeah. He even has that rip-off of AC/DC for his theme song. I dig this guy. He’s just freaky looking. I want him on my side at the bar. Striker begs off when the big Balls come out. He tells Mahoney that the people love him and all that, but he also ranks on his image. He takes shots at his hygiene and teeth. Then when he makes fun of his fatness, the Balls Explode!

Balls Mahoney starts doing his “Balls, Balls” punch combo, but he doesn’t get to the end. Matt hits Balls in the balls, which is really just so ironic, and the big man falls down like a bag of balls. Once he gets Balls to go down for him, Striker asks, “You feeling a little blue, Balls?”

Ha ha. I get it. He means like when you ain’t got a girlfriend…or money to buy someone for the night…or an hour…or a quarter hour…depending on the place you take her.

Elijah Burke tells me why I should like Sylvester Turkay. I like their 1976 John Ritter zip ups.

2) CM Punk beat Bob “Deck The Halls With Bows of Me” Holly by disqualification

I like Bob Holly. He makes me think of Christmas. Also he makes me think of beating up young wrestlers. That’s why I love it when they put him in there with a guy like CM Punk. It has to suck to be Punk though, right? I guess they just hand him a piece of paper at the beginning of the night that says, “YOU ARE DEAD.” Holly didn’t go too buck on this kid, but he gave him a few stiff shots here and there. Well, by the end he got pretty crazy. I guess he figured, “Hey, I better beat this kid up before the show ends.” Once he started going nuts, the ref just disqualified him. That’s a good idea. I’m sure Bob’s not gonna be mad now, ref.

He was. It didn’t matter, though. Punk kicked his ass. He put him in the Miami Vice armlock and Bobby tapped. It didn’t make a difference though. Match is over, dummy.

 3) Tommy Dreamer beat Davari with a DDT.

Yo. Remember when Tommy Dreamer was eating puke on TV? That was crazy stuff. Now he does nothing. He just shows up. It seems all weird to have him there because he’s like Mr. Original ECW and now he’s on this strange hybrid mix of WWF 1995 and WWE 2006. They just kept some of the set. If WWE really wanted to make money, they should do an angle where Dreamer beats up Vince McMahon on TV for ruining ECW. Yeah. I’d love that. They won’t do it. Davari had on some nice sparkly purple pants here too. Anyways, the match ended out of nowhere with a Dreamer DDT.

After the bell, The Great Khali of Khaliflowerland choke slammed the puke-eater on the floor. Ouch.

They show us a replay of Mike Knox begging my future ex-wife to take him back.

4) Bobby Lashley beat the Basham Stormtroopers

I dig Lashley. I know a lot of people don’t, but I do. He’s a huge-ass guy that looks like he would beat the piss out of me. That’s all I need for a guy to “get over” with me, as the kids say. I don’t get why he’s fighting two guys without names in the main event. The Bashams don’t even have Paul Heyman anymore. They’re just two mini-Big Bossman guys. Joey Styles calls them “The Goon Squad” but that’s dumb so I don’t. The match went on a while which was pretty boring sometimes, but Bobby beat them up whenever they came to close. He hit a spear and then Dominated “The Goon” for a pin.

Afterwards, he beat up the other guy too. What did you expect? Wouldn’t you?

Whatever. I’m done. “Nidiafan Legal Services” Mike Rickard will be here next week. You like him better than me? Hah? You do?!  Good. Goodbye.