Hey guys it’s me again and I wanna start this editon of the Heat Report by saying Happy Holidays! Or should I say Merry Christmas? Happy Hanukkah? Happy Kwanzaa? Or Eid Mubarak? Actually it doesn’t really matter cause whatever religion or culture you are from I wish you the best now and forever. Have a great time with your families and loved ones and use the time together to appreciate all the things they have done for you. After a whole year of working your ass off, take some time to chill with the folks. Whether you do it under a tree or by a menorah doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you’re with the people most dear to your heart.

But let’s stop with the Hallmark card crap and move on to why you really clicked the link. You wanna know what went down on Heat. Which is actually an oxymoron cause it’s winter. Some readers might be happy to hear that Heat is takin’ a stroll down memory lane again. Yup, by popular demand the recaps have returned and this time we look back on some of the classic battle royals of the WWE. But isn’t that really illogical? I mean shouldn’t this Heat have come before the mega ginormous humongo battle royal that took place on Raw? That would have hyped it up. How stupid is the WWE? Haha. Not at all. Cause if they had put it on last week we all would have realized how friggin’ boring battle royals tend to be and not seen Raw. But hey if you sat through a 30 man Battle Royal on Raw then this compilation should be cakewalk.

This took place quite a while ago, almost 21 years ago to be exact. So if you were born while your pops was watching this, then yay, you can almost drink! But it’s not like you already don’t. Yea don’t lie to me. I know you do. I’m callin’ the cops.

Guess what? Our usual host Todd Grisham isn’t the host! So we’re stuck with Jonathan Coachman. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I dunno, you decide. Anyway, this is the battle royal that William “The Refrigerator” Perry was inducted into the Hall of Fame for this year. Everyone is everywhere and everyone is hitting everyone else. The camera zooms in on Big John Studd pummeling William Perry. All of a sudden, two guys (Pedro Morales and Harvey Martin) fall out together. By the way, you’re not gonna believe who’s commenting. It’s Smackdown GM Theodore Long! I don’t believe it. Anyway, Ted Arcidi has B. Brian Blair in the air with a gorilla press but Blair escapes elimination by holding onto the ropes. But then three guys flip over Arcidi. The Iron Sheik shows some ring intelligence when he back body drops Jimbo Corvet of the Chicago Bears out the ring and then tossed B. Brain Blair and Hillbilly Jim at the same time. Then Bill Fralic of the Atlanta Falcons is tossed out by both The Sheik and John Studd which leaves us with 8 participants. But Bruno Sammartino attacks Sheik and Studd from behind and eliminates the Sheik in the process. He then does 10 punches in the corner on Studd as the Hart foundation works over “The Refrigerator”. Then out of nowhere Studd eliminates Bruno. It was really weird to say the least. Then the refrigerator shows us why he’s a NFL legend as the tackles the Hart foundation and they almost fall out the ring. Crowd cheers really loud but John Studd has none of it cause he attacks Perry from behind.

“The Refrigerator” tackles Studd in the corner but when he goes for another one, the football player gets tossed out. He is kinda ticked but extends his hand in sportsmanship, and Studd accepts. But that clever little NFLer pulls the wrestler out the ring and eliminates him. Studd is pissed, but what can he do? So he leaves in shame. Meanwhile back in the ring the last football player, Russ Francis, has to take on not only the Hart Foundation but the biggest athlete in the world, Andre the Giant. Andre isn’t an ally of anyone as he starts beating up all three men. Both Bret Hart and Jim Niedhart are wearing blue (actually its teal) and they nail a tremendous drop kick on Andre. Then they bully around Francis and eliminate him. Hart Foundation double team the giant but his size is too much for them and Bret Hart eats a big boot. Jimmy is sent out the ring with another size 21 big boot and Bret is gorilla pressed right on top of him giving the victory to Andre the Giant.

Good match. For a Battle Royal, it wasn’t boring. Everyone was eliminated relatively fast so it was quite climactic most of the time. As for Andre winning, I dunno, he really didn’t do much to deserve it.

Tribute to the Troops promo. Nothing like watching the WWE when you’re having dinner with your family on Christmas night.

Man just when you thought Battle Royals couldn’t get any better, they decide to put weapons in this one. I don’t even know why this is called a battle royal, because no one is going over the top rope. You just gotta pin the hardcore champion to become hardcore champion and avoid getting pinned to stay hardcore champion. Sounds simple right?

There’s a 15 minute time limit and holy crap everyone is seriously beating the crap outta each other. The action immediately falls out the ring but Crash and Tazz remain inside. Tazz nails a huge suplex (as only he can) and gets the cover and the Hardcore Championship. Damn Crash, you didn’t even last 30 seconds! The Headbangers start clocking everyone with “Caution, Wet Floor” signs while Tazz picks a fight with Viscera. But he pays for it as Vis rams his spine in the steel post and becomes the new champ after a big splash. They forward the recap to when there is about 8 minutes remaining in the match. Ron Simmons Farooq breaks a 2 X 4 on Vis’ back and JBL Bradshaw nails quite a B E A U tiful shoulder block off the top rope. Kia En Tai sneak into the ring and both men pin Viscera. But the ref only declares Funaki the winner so Taka gets pissed. He punches Funaki but instead of fighting back Funaki runs up the ramp and the rest of the competitors chase after him.

The Mean Street Posse catch Funaki backstage and toss him into a guard rail. Rodney punches out his partners and gets the pin to become champ. But Joey Abs connects with a gutwrench suplex on the concrete floor to end Rodney’s 10 second title reign. The Headbangers crash a cart into the dude with the sleeveless sweater and toss him into a shutter. Handbanger Thrasher gets the title now. Damn these title changes are happening too fast. But he pays for it when his Headbanger partner gets him in the ribs with a steel pipe and Viscera bends a cookie tray on his bald head. Then Pete Gas (who is bleeding profusely) beats up the Headbanger all the way to the ramp and gets him with the fire extinguisher for the win. Before he could even catch his breath, Tazz drags his fat ass to the ring and whips him into the steel pole. After a couple of punches he nails another Tazzplex and becomes Hardcore champ for the second time in 11 minutes (there’s still 4 minutes left).

Hardcore Holly finally gets into the spotlight as he whips the future ECW commentator into the steel steps. However that only gets a 2 count. Both men exchange stiff blows. Then all hell breaks loose as everyone gets hit by everything. Eventually, both Hollys wind up in the ring with Tazz and start double teaming him. But Crash double crosses his cousin when he clocks him with the trash can lid. As retaliation, Tazz snatches the lid and clocks Crash with it producing a loud thud in the process. Outside the ring we see a glimpse of Farooq beating up Viscera with a tennis racket. Down to 2 minutes as Tazz sends Crash flying with a Belly to belly Suplex much to the crowd’s approval. From the looks of it, either Tazz is going to win or Hardcore Holly. Holly catches a powerslam and when he goes for the cover, Crash breaks it up. But he gets tossed out the ring for his troubles.

Holly catches his patented dropkick but it only gets a 2. Tazz nails a northern lights suplex that sends Holly to the outside. But when he turns around BAM! Crash knocks his lights out and gets the cover with a cookie tray shot to the head. But as the ref raises his hand in victory, Tazz catches Crash with the Tazzmission with only 25 seconds to go. Can Crash hold on??? No. He doesn’t tap but with 5 seconds left Hardcore comes in and clocks Crash with a glass bottle and gets the 1-2-3 as the clocks counts down 3-2-1.

Wow what a match. While it certainly was a pain in the ass writing about it, it was quite enjoyable to watch. These men beat the crap outta each other with everything (Wet Floor signs, tennis rackets, glass bottles, etc.) and the match had quite an ending to say the least. Had Hardcore Holly messed up for just one second, he would have pooped all over WWE’s plan for the Hardcore Title. But good job guys. They actually had a good match at Wrestlemania. I was just mad there was no Steve Blackman.

WWE magazine commercial. Not a bad idea. 20 greatest matches, 30 sickest finishers, now das cool.

This match included big names such as Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels, Jimmy Superfly Snuka and…..Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Okay fine. I’ll give credit where credit is due. He did win the first ever Royal Rumble so his chances here are higher than expected. Again total chaos to start off the match. Jake “The Snake” getting beat up by some dude in a mask in the corner as Marty Jannetty eliminates Paul Roma with a hotstop hurricanrana. But Roma pulls out Jannetty so we’re down to 18. Hogan is choking out Earthquake with the tape off his wrist. Haku, Hercules and Mr. Perfect try to eliminate British Bulldog but he fights out. Wow Hacksaw looks really impressive, physically I mean. He has a pretty decent build and he looks a bit taller than he is now.

On commentating we have Vincent K McMahon himself and Macho Man Randy Savage (what an odd team). Mr. Perfect is almost out courtesy of Hogan and Greg Valentine but Earthquake makes the save. Then he goes to beat up Jake the Snake but Texas Tornado comes to the rescue. They skip ahead to when the Mighty Hulk Hogan tosses out the very large Earthquake by himself. Then a crap load of people get eliminated at once. Hogan scoop slams Kato out but out of no where Tug Boat (yea there was actually a dude named Tug Boat) eliminated the Hulkster. But from behind, Tug Boat was eliminated by good ol’ HBK. Jake “The Snake” Roberts fell out too but we don’t know who eliminated him cause the camera angle was bad.

Mr. Perfect slides out to the apron and gets some advice from Bobby “the Brain” Heenan (How come everyone had a clever nickname back then?). Perfect listened to the advice and stayed in one corner avoiding all the competitors. Then while Big Boss Man (who’s wearing blue) is fighting The Barbarian, Perfect drops kicks him from behind, which eliminates him. Haku looks so much better than the last time I saw him, wow! He and Mr. Perfect proceed to double team Shawn Michaels but the Rocker fights out and eliminates Haku with a dropkick of his own. That leaves us with the final four: Michaels, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, The Barbarian and Mr. Perfect. Michaels shows us why he will be the future of this business with his athleticism against Perfect and the audience loves it. Then Michaels gets his patented upside down in the turnbuckle and Mr. Perfect just pushes him off the apron for the elimination. That leaves a double team against Valentine who is now the fan favorite. A miscommunication results in the elimination of The Barbarian. The Hammer eats some chops but then hands some out himself. Inverted atomic drop sends Curt Hennig into the turnbuckle. When he turns around, Valentine gets him with an elbow. Then he nails 2 elbow drops and tosses Perfect out the ring. But the Perfect One slides back in. Then Valentine has him up in the fall away slam position, but Hennig grabs the rope flipping Valentine out the ring and giving Perfect the victory.

Another entertaining match. It was slower than the other ones but seeing a dude called Tug Boat made it for me. Especially cause he looked like a tugboat! I was kinda upset that Perfect won because Valentine made a good case all match, but what can ya do.

Cool, an exclusive match, don’t I feel special. We have great talent in the ring such as HBK and Bret “The Hitman” Hart. The first two competitors to be eliminated are the biggest ones, Earthquake and Tycoon and it took like 5 guys each to do it. I guess they were scared the ring might break so they got rid of the excess meat first. This battle royal is much slower than the ones that were covered before. There’s a lot of standing around and punching each other and not enough eliminations. They fast forward waaaaay ahead. Like half the guys have been eliminated cause the ring is relatively empty. Sgt. Slaughter, Koko B. Ware and many others including the Million Dollar Man are still in the ring. Unfortunately, both Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels have been eliminated but that don’t mean nothin’ to them. These guys continue to fight each other outside the ring but when HBK gets the opportunity, he runs away from Bret like he was in the 100 yard dash.

Lots of teams in the match as well as we see The Beverly Brothers beat up some guy named Virgil and Sarg battles it out with IRS. Then Koko B. Ware comes from behind and eliminates the bald Army man. Crush and Mustafa go out and I realize that this is quite boring. Ted DiBiase then body drops Coco Beware Koko B. Ware out the ring. I count about 8 guys in the ring. Kato goes out courtesy of the Beverly Bros who are my bet of winning this thing. Then Virgil cross bodies himself and DiBiase out the ring together. So we’re down to the final 4. The two bros, IRS and I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it. TATANKA????? What the hell??? That looks nothing like Tatanka. He has red hair! Wasup wit dat! He proceeds to chop the hell outta all three men but then the fire burns out as he gets triple teamed. They take turns elbow dropping the Indian Native American but one of the bros. misses a clothesline and falls out the ring. Then, I’m sorry it’s really hard to explain, but IRS and the Beverly Bro grab Tatanka by the head and run him to the ropes. When they get there, Tatanka uses their momentum to throw them both out the ring. IRS falls to the mat but Beverly stays on the apron. That problem is easily solved by a Tomahawk chop.

Un-friggin-believable! Tatanka hasn’t won a match in like forever. But back in the day the dude won a 40 man battle royal that had people like Bret Hart in it? That just begs one question: What the hell happened????

All in all, Heat was not as bad as you might think. The battle royals were all pretty entertaining and I was mostly satisfied with who won. If you wanna get in the Royal Rumble Spirit, check out this edition of Heat.

Thanks for clicking the link and I hope you enjoyed it. If you have any suggestions, comments or criticisms then please do tell. My e-mail address is Naeem920@gmail.com or you can hit me up with a PM at the Insanity Message Boards. My username is Naeem920.

Until then I'm Saad Naeem and that was Heat.