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JG's Christmas in Iraq Raw Insanity: Chris Masters Hates Santa, Battle of the Bobs, and John Cena's a Horse
By James Guttman
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Dear Mr. McDaddy, I had our Hollywood writers put together your inspirational speech for the troops. They think it’ll cause a big splash thanks to all our entertainment references. Tee-hee! Love and screeches, Stephanie
My fellow Americans, Hello. Is it me you’re looking for? I can see it in your eyes. I can see it in your soul. You’re all I ever wanted. Ooo. Baby, you’re the one. That’s right. It’s one life. We get to share it. Leaves you, baby, if you don’t care for it. Today is the most important thing you have. In fact, today is El Guapo’s birthday. He is 33! Not only that, but today is the greatest day I’ve ever known. Can’t live for tomorrow. Tomorrow’s much too long. I’ll burn my eyes out. Before I get out. For you see, these are happy days and these happy days are yours and mine. Why? Well thanks to all of you, it’s a brand new day. Yes. It’s a new day with Matt, Merideth, Ann, and Al. Let me ask you this. If you had one wish this holiday season, what would it be? Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don’t you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don’t you? Of course you do. Don’t be rid-ic-ulous, Cousin Larry. But now is the time to rise up and defend our country. Yes, sir. Our nation turns it’s lonely eyes to you. Coo-coo-cachu, Mrs. Robinson. The weight of the world is in your hands and with great power comes great responsibility. No man is an island. No good deed goes unrewarded. And, of course, no sleep till Brooklyn. Ahem. Spotlight, please. The superstars of the WWE have come forth on this day to bring you tidings of great joy. Good grief. I never thought it was such a bad little tree. I just thought it needed a little love. Cause all you need is love. Da-da-da-daaa. All you need is love. Ba-ba-da-badada. All you need is love. Love. Love is all you need. We thank you all for helping our nation fight the forces of Destro, Decepticon, Splinter, and Skeletor. I’ll hold aloft my magic sword and say, “By the power of Grayskull.” And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. Because my name is Slim Shady. Yes, I’m the real Shady. All you other Slim Shadys are just imitating. So will the real Slim Shady please stand up? Please. Stand up. Stand up or else Sgt Hulka’s gonna shove his big toe right up your ass. Ooooo. Ass! Oh. This shocks you? This shocks you? You see what lies beneath your stupid mother f**kers!? Ah. Ah. Those words. You see. Those words. There’s still those words. That’s what happens when you interrupt the Vin-Man, don’t you know? We at WWE know that things are tough when you’re away from home at the holidays. I know it’s not Christmas without Grandma. The whole family is dressed in black. And we just can’t help but wonder. Should we open up her gifts or send them back? Send them back! As for those who don’t support our flag and colors, all I can say say is this: This is the anthem so get your damn hands up! H to the Izzo, V to the Izzay, Not guilty. Ya'll got to feel me. And, as we all know, sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don’t. Almond Joy's got nuts. Hefty, hefty, hefty. Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy. Ah. How I love the smell of formaldahyde in the morning, But there's more I smell. There‘s Christmas cheer in the air. Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas, movie house. Merry Christmas, you wonderful…savings and loan. My lips bleeding, Burt! It’s a time for giving and the greatest gift they’ll get this year is life. Oh. Nothing ever grows. No rain nor rivers flow. Do they know it’s Christmastime at all? I don’t know. (Cue the green slime). Remember the questions that we all must ask as we reflect back on the days gone by. Who let the dogs out? Where’s the beef? What’s the frequency, Kenneth? Whatcu talking ‘bout, Willis? And, above all else, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Let me say one final thing about the liberal media. It’s a rare condition in this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper page. Yet as long as we got each other, we got the world spinning right in our hands. But sometimes things get turned around and no one’s spared. All hands look out below. There’s a change in our status quo. We’re gonna need all the help that you can give. Sure. There were times, I lost a dream or two. Found the trail, and at the end was you. You. It was you. Then came you. You made me leap without taking a look. I never thought forever was the best I could do. Then came you. You…complete me. Oh shut up. Just shut up. I had you at hello. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow. Hocus Pocus Alamagocus!
The WWE Iraq Itinerary Not a member?
Happy holidays, everyone! It’s time once again for WWE’s annual Christmas in Iraq. Before we get started, I just wanted to give two quick in-house notes. First, I’m not 100% sure I’ll be able to see the big K-Fed Raw when it airs. So there might not be a Raw Insanity next Monday. I'll do all I can to get one up, but I'm doubting it. I'll have my thoughts on the show sometime after it airs, but probably not on New Year's Day. So, let’s get to the Insanity, shall we? Each year, it’s tough to do an Insanity for this show because, at the heart of it all, it’s a great charitable cause that WWE takes part in. All too often, we attack the company for their shortcomings, but this is the exact opposite. It’s a great tradition and one that shows how World Wrestling Entertainment does some great work for those who are in a tough spot during the holidays. So kudos to all involved. Also, as it’s the last Raw Insanity of the year, I’ve tossed in some of my favorite commercial break videos from 2006. And now, without further ado, let’s take a look at WWE’s Christmas in Iraq…Raw style! Ten hut! Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler are live from WWE Headquarters watching a tape of Monday Night Raw! Join them as they sit in a room and talk over a video for two hours. There’s so many benefits to being able to call the show from headquarters. For starters - Jerry Lawler doesn’t have to wear pants. Score one for the King. Hey soldier. Guess what? I just hooked up with a really pale chick. Check her out. Uh, Edge. That’s the dummy we use to practice field drills with. Oh. Uh…you might want to clean it before you use it again. Maybe spray some Febreeze. 1. WWE Champion John Cena pinned Edge after an F-U This was a good match to start off with. Shows like these are about a few things. For starters, you get the unexpected interbrand confrontations. However, WWE also uses the chance to show the armed forces some of their best material from the year. Edge vs. Cena is probably the most recognizable and long-running conflict on the Raw brand. It all started in January and has been carrying the brand since. According to our readers, John is 2006’s baby face of the year. While we still haven’t named heel of the year (check back in the next few days), I can tell you that the R-Rated Superstar is doing really well in the running so far. When you take your #1 baby face and feud him with the #1 heel for the year, the fans ultimately win. This feud has really made things interesting around these parts. The crowd was into this one for obvious reasons. You had “The Marine” facing a Canadian bad guy. Take a wild guess. Best call of the night was when the WWE Champion stood up with Edge on his back. J.R. put it, well, like this: “John Cena. He’s a horse.” (JG Note: I’m not really a horse. I’m really a broom. To be honest, Diane. I'm surprised.) Anyway, the hero saved the day by the end and John Cena finished Edge with the ol’ F-U. John truly is a hero to all. He’s like Corporal Kirschner, only, you know, not dead.* *I refuse to print a retraction of this statement. General George W. Casey then came out and got a great reaction. He expressed his happiness with WWE’s appearance and said that America was proud of the troops. Commercial Break.Video package of the troops. Both C.M. Punk and Shelton Benjamin sent holiday messages to those watching. Punk seemed more sincere in his wishes. Shelton seemed more concerned about his momma’s Christmas. Oh Shelton. Bug humbar. 2. C.M. Punk defeated Shelton Benjamin with a roll-up Punk was really over here and you had to see it coming. He speaks to a different generation than DX or John Cena. He’s not the type of guy that little kids immediately gravitate to. For that, many WWE fans see him as a breath of fresh air. He’s a real wrestler in a cartoony world. God help us when we hit the day he becomes “Candy Man Punk” and hands out treats to kids at ringside. Yeah. Laugh now. Let’s talk in three years. As for the match, many fans were going to be happy with this one. The company knows that no matter how much they squash Shelton, he’s always going to be a name that gets attention on the card. He has enough high quality matches under his belt to assure fans that they’ll get a good showing when he’s in there. That’s what they got with this one. Of course, the ladder of success has two directions. These guys are passing each other on it. The Candy Man didn't get to use his patented Anacandygram Vice to score a tap. Nope. It was a botched Stinger...er, uh, Shelton Splash that lead to victory for Punky. Afterwards, Punk hugged some of the troops at ringside. Then he went backstage and drank a fifth of Jack. Retro Commercial Break. Yes, that‘s Ryan Reynolds.Yo, Vince. Do I have to wear my big furry jacket? It’s kinda, you know, hot. It’s not hot in Louisville. Uh...hahaha. I’m going to go put on my beautiful furry coat now. Nevermind. 3. Undertaker pinned Johnny Nitro after a Tombstone Piledriver Showin’ dat da kid had more guts ‘dan brains, Johnny Nitro tried to trade blows with the Undertaker. (JG Note: That’s punches - you pervert.) In the end, it was the basic Taker squash match, which is fine by me. I’m just glad that Taker came out and worked the show. His presence added a lot to it. He finished off Melina's man with a Tombstone.
Video Package of Lillian Garcia singing the U.S. National Anthem. Lillian gets a lot of grief, but in all honesty she’s really a good singer. WWE’s lucky to have her. Retro Commercial Break.Video clips from the mortar attack while WWE was at the base. Michael Cole called the action as it happened. He had some real emotion here. That's the secret! Maybe he could show that emotion on Smackdown if they sit him closer to the pyro or something. Hmmmm....
4. Bobby Lashley pinned Bob Holly after a “stampede-like power slam.” I liked the inclusion of ECW on this show. I hope the brand can survive in the new year. WWE could make a lot of money with it. They don’t need to go hardcored out with the product, necessarily. Just make it different. At this point, the only difference is that it’s only an hour and on a completely random channel. By giving it something that sets it apart, they could recreate the uniqueness that Extreme Championship Wrestling had, and not just the “extreme” quality. Put the Cruiserweight title into ECW. That would make sense. How about making it a tag-team heavy brand? There’s tons of options. They just have to grab ‘em. As for Lashley, I think he has potential. He has a look and genuinely appears to be someone who could house you with one punch. That’s the most important quality to have. Right now, his in-ring skills aren’t the most amazing in the world, but matches against veterans like Holly could change that. Bob held his own against Bobby for a while and kept fending off his offense with cheap shots. Halfway through, Jerry Lawler informs the world that a certain “bearded” gentleman was coming to the show. Norman the Lunatic? Nope. Santa! The one and only As Lashley walked out, the commentators say that he once wore their uniform. Honest. For real. Cena did too, but when he did it, it was, you know, pretend. Commercial Break. The Vince McMahon DVD arrives tomorrow. It’s going to kick your DVD player’s ass. Chris Masters says that he’s going to challenge one of the troops to break his Masterlock. Too bad this show isn’t live. If it was, I’d tune in strictly out of curiosity to see if Chris gets shot. 5. Umaga pinned Jeff Hardy after the Samoan Spike. Hey, Jeff. Here’s the IC Title. Now…uh, you’re going to job to Umaga for the next 20 months. Enjoy! Why Jeff? Why always Jeff? It just seems so counterproductive. You have four male champs on the show. How about letting Umaga eat someone who isn’t one of those four? Make sense? It just seems insane. Why push a guy to a title reign through weeks of credibility-building victories, only to job him out while he holds it? He sure got jobbed out here tonight, man. Sure, he avoided a flying splash or two, but it wasn’t anything close to a real competition. He rocked the Bulldozer with some lame clotheslines and dropkicks, but nothing could take Jamala off his feet. Finally, the Whisper in the Wind did the trick, but still got him tossed half-way across the ring on two. It seemed like a Rocky Balboa story when Jeff nailed a Twist of Fate, but turned sour when he was kneed during a failed Swanton Bomb. A butt bump and thumb-neck later, we had an Armando-less victory for Samoa Jamal. The director of armed forced entertainment Art Fleming spoke about the One Million Thanks association. Outside the building or whatever it is, Carlito is sharing an apple with a female in uniform. I love how he introduces people to apples, as if they’ve never seen them before. She’s like, “Oh…an apple? Hmmm. I’ve heard of those. They’re red, right?” Good ol’ Carly, healing the world one apple at a time. Strange Hungarian Commercial Break.Dude! What the hell are you doing?! Hey. Sorry, man. Name’s Randy. Randy Orton. I was just using your port-a-potty here. That’s my canteen! Oh. I thought it was like a portable pee-pee holder. Oh. Yeah. So, uh…I like making bathroom time in people’s things. It’s a little problem I have. OK?! OK?! DON’T LOOK AT ME! 6. Carlito Cool pinned Randy Orton with a handful of tights Jerry Lawler is surprised that Randy Orton can show his face on Christmas. (JG Note: He must be confused with Halloween. No, Jerry. You wear masks on Halloween. Christmas is where you get presents and sing songs.) Carlito is in a strange spot. He has main event potential for a little while, but he’s settling into a mid-card role. A win over Orton, while impressive, is still in between his love affair storylines that seem to never end. The handful of tights didn’t help much either. In the end, it was Carl getting the pinfall though. As Gorilla Monsoon used to say, “It’ll go down in the record books.” That's all the matters. He gets the winner's purse too. I heard it's pretty and has fringe. Backstage, Torrie, Krystal, and Maria are talking about getting ruffies, I think. When Santa approaches and asks if they’ve been “naughty or nice,” they all answer “naughty.” They must not know how Christmas works. You’ll shoot your eye out, hoochies. With a jolly ho, ho, ho, Claus leads his newly found ho, ho, and ho to the ring to give out some gifts. Retro Commercial Break.John "Santa" Layfield hits the ring and you can figure out who it is. Regardless, the red-state Santa compliments the troops and then calls out his helpers to give out some presents. 600 miles away, Jerry Lawler is still hot and bothered over the women on his video screen. He likes the ladies. Why not? It’s nice! When the three wise women enter the squared circle, Claus asks the audience to applaud his lady-getting abilities. “There’s nothing like Santa’s ho, ho, hos!” The bearded toy giver then tosses some suggestive comments to all the offended divas. When it appears that he’s gone to far, Saint Nick reels back his barbs and takes them out of the ring for some fun. He has them carry his sack. That’s where he keeps his gifts, you know. Ho, ho, ho...you perverts. The helpers toss WWE merchandise into the crowd as the jolly one laughs. The biggest pop comes for Torrie’s bra, which she eagerly tosses away to the fans. Following that, she tosses out her panties. (JG Note: I hope she brought another pair to wear on the plane or else it’s going to be a smelly ride home.) Then, with everyone so happy, guess who shows up to ruin Christmas? Chris Masters - that’s who. The Masterpiece struts to the ring and badmouths Santa on the way in. When he enters, Claus follows with a mic in hand. He tells Chris that although he’s been naughty, it’s still Christmas. So it's ok. That leaves Masters with a bad taste in his mouth. “I hate Christmas. And I do not believe in Santa Claus. And I cannot believe that I’m standing her and all you troops are drooling over Santa’s little helpers. Shame on you. Shame on you. “ Chris says that he’s about to open the floor for a soldier to break his Masterlock, but first he has a challenge for Santa. Nut up, Kris Kringle. Masters has a Full Nelson with your jolly ol’ name on it! At this point, Bradshaw's beard is coming off and he looks like Gary Busey in a costume. When the Masterpiece slaps the Nelson on, his hat falls from his head. Ross wonders how low one man can go. Pretty low, obviously. He put Santa to sleep. Claus falls and Chris takes the mic. He announces that there is no Christmas. Great. Thanks, Lex. With that, he sends out his Masterlock challenge to the troops. Countless people volunteer, but Masters keeps looking. Finally, after calling for “the biggest, baddest troop,” Chris picks one…a small one. A mini-soldier rolls into the ring and stands face to nipple with the Masterpiece. Chris asks him his name. He‘s Jose Avalar. (JG Note: Ironically, I think Chris was Jose’s size three month ago) Avalar takes a seat and gets two huge arms wrapped around him. Like Bob Backlund’s chicken wing on a WWE Magazine writer in 1994, he tosses Jose to and fro. That’s when Santa reveals himself to be…JBL. Yeah, you knew, but pop anyway. Bradshaw runs in and kicks Chris Masters. Chris falls and Jose breaks the Masterlock. Lillian announces that Jose Avalar has been the first to pass the challenge. Wow. Before Masters could protest, Santa Layfield flattened him with the Clothesline From Santa’s Village. Jim Ross wishes us all a Merry Christmas. We watch one more video package and fade to black. All in all…another great WWE television special for the Troops. You know when a wrestler has passion for what he does. You see it in the ring. Tonight, WWE showed what a company can do when it has passion for something. They have a passion for supporting the troops and bringing cheer to people during the holidays. It was a great thing to watch. On a side note, I’ve gained a lot of respect for the Undertaker lately. He’s always lead by example and his appearance on this trip shows it. He’s been with the company for 16 years. That’s longer than some of you have been alive. At this point, if Vince McMahon asked him to go to Iraq, he could do the jerking-off hand motion and laugh. Instead he went and performed. He really deserves praise for this and I was glad he did it. I guess the bottom line here is the big 800 pound gorilla in the room. At the base of it all, WWE routinely does things that makes many of us roll our eyes. Many times, I’m embarrassed over something on Raw. However, this is one thing that is completely the opposite. I’m proud of the fact that they do this each year. I told relatives at Christmas about it. It’s one of those few times that you can tell someone about something World Wrestling Entertainment is doing and know they’ll be impressed. It was an impressive show on a number of levels. It allowed the troops to speak to their loved ones at home via video packages. They were sprinkled throughout the show. Also, we went behind the scenes for some interviews with those serving. Whatever your political affiliations, the war is a reality and there’s people over there day in and day out. By showing a behind-the-scenes look at this, WWE gave people a reason to give thanks for their own lives and remind them to hope for the safety of others. By doing it on Christmas, it only drove the point home more. In a nutshell, WWE has come a loooong way from the days of having Sgt. Slaughter mock their thanksgiving rations at the Survivor Series. Tonight, I was proud to be a wrestling fan. So there it is, guys. Remember to check out this week’s edition of JG‘s Radio Free Insanity featuring Rick Steiner. Rick’s full one-hour interview is up at ClubWWI.com. In it, he talks about Eric Bischoff, the N.W.O. invasion, the differences between Vince McMahon and Ted Turner, working with his brother, and more. Speaking of Radio Free Insanity, don’t forget that the big year-end edition featuring the Top Five Moments of Insanity goes up on New Year’s Eve day. Then, stop by on January 1st for the announcement of 2007’s first Radio Free Insanity guest. I’ll tell you this much, it’s an interview you’re definitely going to want to hear on ClubWWI.com New Year’s Day. Trust me on this one. So have a great New Year, everyone. Happy Holidays to all of you and thanks for making the site successful as we enter our third year. We have all of you to thank for that. Be Well and thank you for sharing our Insanity!
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| © 2005-2007 All content contained here Copyright 2006 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion. |
