12-28-06

“...I wanna rock!”

Much like last week, this week’s column will be a little more different than normal.  I figured that nobody’s a bigger critic of my own work than me...and nobody’s a bigger fan of my own work than me...so who better than ME to pick the Best of Shakin’ My Head 2006?  Seriously...who betta??  Kanyon?  Nope.  That guy is one wacked-out ass-lovin’ f*cktard. 

Anyhoo...some of the articles I picked because I liked my Photoshop stuff (I’m no James Guttman but I do alright when motivated)...some I picked because I liked what I said (my “going off” on Kanyon is particularly satisfying)...some I picked because, well, there’s no other reason, actually.  Whaddya want?  It’s my column.  So ready or not...

...boo-yah, here we go!!

***

January 13^th – Edge and Lita almost have sex on live television.

And that’s what it’s really all about, isn’t it?  Almost having live sex.  Nobody in their right mind thought that they would actually go through with it, but people tuned in to see how far they would go (RAW got a 4.3 with a big 5.2 over-run).  I gotta admit, they went farther than I thought they would.  So far, in fact, that those outside of North America got to see Lita’s bare breast on live television.

But the segment was brutal to watch.  It was groan-inducing.  It made me, yet again, completely embarrassed to be a professional wrestling fan. 

And it’s a shame because Edge is hotter than ever.  He’s been gold on the mic lately and the “Rated R Superstar” gimmick seems to work for him a lot.  That being said, did this segment really need to take place?  Did we really need to see Edge strip down to his underwear with his tiny little package barely sticking out for the world to see?  Did I really need to taste bile in my mouth after typing that last sentence?

No.  But due to the huge pop in the ratings, I get the feeling that this is where WWE will be going for the next little while.

***

December 1^st – Forget 911...Ron Killings is the real joke.

Just when you thought that coming to the ring acting like a Bee Gee on crack was bad enough, Ron “the Truth” Killings just decided to make himself lamer than he ever was before.

He decided to sit in his car (HIS F*CKING CAR, people!!!) and provide an online web commentary.  That in and of itself isn’t so bad.  What is the problem is that he decided to rap his displeasure for WWE and his hard-on for TNA’s debut in prime time on Spike TV.

Yeah...he’s a rapper, remember?  “What’s up” indeed.

Now wait a second...wasn’t it only weeks ago that Killings was reaching out to WWE because he was extremely unhappy with his push (or lack thereof) in TNA?  Weren’t there some big-time rumors about both he and Monty Brown looking to move on?  Wasn’t it reported that Killings drew heat with TNA management because he refused to job to A-1 (something he had already done previously)?  Didn’t it just get reported that he was refused his release (by Terry Taylor, I think) because TNA didn’t want him to go to WWE???

Well...guess who’s sucking TNA’s proverbial dick right now?  Yeah...that’s what I thought.

***

August 18^th – Chris Kanyon is f*cked.        

Basically, Kanyon appeared at last Friday night's RAW brand house show in Tampa, Florida, as a paying customer. He bought a front row ticket and (get this) tried to do an angle of sorts. He started yapping at Triple H when he and Shawn Michaels came out for their match. Kanyon held up a double-sided sign.  On one side it said, "HHH, PLEASE ASK VINCE WHY HE REALLY FIRED ME" and on the other side it said, "SHAWN PLEASE PRAY FOR MY GAY SOUL."  HHH then got on the mic and said "Who better than Kanyon" and then said "Now that the independent portion of our show is over" as Kanyon left and went into his Michael Buffer imitation. Kanyon apparently told security that his angle cleared by Stephanie McMahon. Security didn't know if he was telling the truth or not, but they escorted him out of the building anyways.

Well…if that wasn’t bizarre enough, Kanyon attempted to explain his appearance in a MySpace blog (the only really important parts are in bold):

You may have read or heard that I showed up at a WWE Raw house show Friday, 9-8-06, and created a "disturbance." Well, before people jump to conclusions and try to put their own spin on what and why I did what I did, I figure you might as well hear it from the horse's mouth.

Part of the reason dates back to the Smackdown show taped on 2-11-03, airing on UPN 2-13-03. It was my return to national TV after many months recovering from injury as well as many months helping with the WWE's training system, Ohio Valley Wrestling (OVW), in Louisville, KY. After so much time off TV, instead of any build up and fanfare for my return, the WWE had me dress up as a known homosexual (Boy George), come out of a large crate in the middle of the ring (a closet, so to speak), sing in a very effeminate voice ("sing like a fag" I was told by the agent/creative person assigned by Vince McMahon to me and this "storyline,"), and take a very physical, stiff beating from the Undertaker including 3 extremely brutal and UNSAFE chair shots to the small of the back and the top of the head.

Now, I believe this was in response to my possible plans, at the time, to come out of the closet nationally. Prior to my comeback, I had several discussions with people within the WWE about coming out, and I am sure it got back to Vince. Instead of just telling me that he would prefer it if I didn't come out, I believe he set up this angle as a message to me. I can't say that for sure, but if it wasn't a message, it was an incredible coincidence. Following this incident I was very rarely on Smackdown or Raw, and was pretty much beaten every week until I was fired. I guess everyone can draw his/her own conclusions.

Now, as recently as a few weeks ago, my goal was to return to the WWE, I guess in some ways not wanting to believe that I was really fired because I was gay. But I was curious. Several attempts to contact and talk to the WWE about a possible return went unanswered. And in trying to find out about the potential for a return, I found out from people within the WWE that my suspicions about being fired because I was gay, according to them, were correct.

One person high up on the corporate side confirmed that Vince knew that I was gay and that was at least part of the reason that I was released. This person told me that Vince has said in the past, "it is my company, and I can hire and fire whoever I want for whatever reason I want." And, although morally I do not agree with that statement, in some ways I see his point and in some ways I agree with him….if it was a private company. But the WWE is a public company, and Vince's top priority should be turning a profit for his stockholders. He should not allow any of his personal animosity or prejudices towards any groups or individuals affect decisions that may affect potential profit for his stockholders. But that is just my opinion.

I also heard from a high profile wrestler who was in both the WWE and WCW who said that he was aware of an agent who had also known that I was gay (it was not a well kept secret within the industry for many years), and that this agent would often talk of me being gay and he would refer to me in some circles as "that fu**ing faggot," and "that queer." This agent was often responsible for my matches (the agent is often the liaison between the wrestlers and Vince McMahon), and on several occasions, I know that he lied to Vince about things that I had said and did. I do believe that may have also been a factor in my being fired, but again, you can form your own opinions.

All that brings us to Friday, September 8, 2006 in Tampa, Florida. I decided to attend the show because I was frustrated with my inability to hear from Vince McMahon on whether what I had heard was true or not. If I found out from him that it was true, I would have to move on with my life. There would be no attempted lawsuits (I really don't believe in them) and I believe I would really have no hard feelings. I would just know it was my time to move on. Everything happens for a reason, and I would take this as a sign that there are other things for me to do out there. It would give me closure to a great chapter in my life.

On the other hand, if it is not true, I would like one more run. I miss wrestling in the WWE and I feel I still have something to offer. But, thus far, I have not heard from Vince. So I decided to bring 2 signs to the house show. "HHH, PLEASE ASK VINCE WHY HE REALLY FIRED ME" and since that really didn't let Vince know what I was thinking. "SHAWN PLEASE PRAY FOR MY GAY SOUL." I intentionally did not do this during the match out of respect to Shawn and HHH, since I would never want to distract from anyone's match.

So, during their INTRODUCTION, I went to ringside with the signs and HHH and Shawn both came to the rope on the side I was standing and acknowledged my presence, which was a show of class by them. Shawn nodded and gave me a thumbs up, I assume meaning he would, in fact, pray for me. HHH grabbed the mic and said something, almost inaudible, I think saying, "Who invited Kanyon?" Security ushered me out of the building, although I had paid for my ticket (the nice promoter for the WWE, Bret, did get tickets for my friends, but I bought my own ticket).

And that was that. Not a publicity ploy, as some will accuse. And it was definitely not an attempt to upset anyone or distract from the show (if I did that I am sorry). I do want to take this opportunity to personally apologize to WWE Security, Jimmy N. He is a great guy, always treated me well when I was with the WWE, and he does a great job. I am sorry if I upset him. In closing, I would like to say that what I did was just an attempt to get some answers so that I can move on with my life, get some closure or return to the national wrestling scene. The ball is in Vince's court. I really wish he would just let me know if I can still play the game again or not.

So let me get this straight…Kanyon wants to know why he was fired.  He’s beating this dead f*ckin’ horse into the ground about being gay and now he wants to see if the rumors are true or not.  He made a mockery of himself at a house show yet didn’t want to distract from the match itself…y’know…out of respect and stuff.

Hey Kanyon…here’s a big reason why you were fired…

YOU F*CKING SUCK!!!

Goddamnit…I get so sick and tired of ex-WWE wrestlers just not “getting it” when it comes to their own abilities.  I mean, do you really think you have something awesome to offer WWE at this point??  Did you somehow develop mic skills in the last few months?  Did you out of nowhere develop an interesting personality?

Listen, I’m a guy who knows what my own areas of improvement are at my job.  When my manager and I get together for a performance review, he asks me what I need to improve and I tell him exactly what he was going to tell me anyway.  Why?  Because I can step back and look at my performance and figure out what my shortcomings are and then do my damndest to get better and improve in those areas.  I don’t sit around and bitch about not being able to do those things, I try to get better.

Kanyon…you could perform in the ring.  You were decent.  But guess what…so are a thousand other guys.  What makes you so much better?  Was it because you were friends with Eric Bischoff or Dallas Page?  You worked on an Academy Award winning movie?  You had a really funky-ass mask?  You had a lisp?  WHAT???

You were never a star in WCW and you were lucky to work as much as you did in WWE.  You’re over-rated in your own mind and you need to get over the fact that you got fired TWO AND A HALF F*CKING YEARS AGO!!!  You want one more run?  Stop throwing your “gayness” in everybody’s face and maybe somebody will give you a shot.  I mean, who cares if you’re gay?  Who seriously gives a shit these days?  There are a lot of homosexuals in professional wrestling and most of them are no secret.  Nobody cares.

Maybe Vince does care…maybe he doesn’t.  That isn’t your issue.  You’re inability to look in the mirror and realize that you need to pursue other avenues in order to make a living is your problem. 

Stop being a whiny bitch.  It’s getting tired. 

Of course…I don’t speak for this website’s owner, James Guttman.  If he asks you for an interview, please say “yes”. Who’s gayer than Kanyon?  BOO-YAH!!

***

March 3^rd – Shawn Michaels kisses Vince McMahon’s ass on RAW.

Not once in a million years did I ever think that Shawn Michaels would allow himself to be put into that particular position, regardless of the reason or situation.  But yet that’s what happened this past Monday night.  Shane McMahon absolutely bashed Michaels’ head in with a steel chair and then Michaels had to pretend to not grimace while playing dead.  Shane then picked up Shawn, made him “pucker up” and then shoved his face into Vince McMahon’s bare ass.

The entire storyline seems forced to me.  I’m just not buying that McMahon hates Michaels because of not finding his own “inner peace” or something like that.  It’s stupid.  Do people want to see HBK beat up both McMahons?  Possibly.  I have a hard time believing that anybody would want to see a 60 year-old get beaten to a bloody pulp in the ring, regardless of the personality.

Oh well…the lengths that Michaels is willing to go in order to make this a storyline that gets people involved are more than I expected.  I guess nothing should surprise me at this point.

***

February 17^th – Bret Hart agrees to participate in WWE Hall of Fame ceremonies.

This is simply one of those things that I didn’t see coming.  I can understand Bret going back to WWE to make a DVD about his career…the alternative was to not participate and let it be called “Screwed: The Bret Hart Story” with wrestlers like Jerry Lawler, Shawn Michaels, and Ric Flair crapping all over his career and bad-mouthing him.  In a case like that, I can certainly understand why Bret went back for the DVD. 

And to be honest, I absolutely believed that Bret would eventually want to be entered into the WWE HOF when the time was right…maybe with Mania being held at the Calgary Saddledome or something.  Then he could truly say goodbye to his fans in his home town on the grandest stage of them all.

But Bret Hart has been saying for months that he was going to be in Italy (where he lives with his new wife) and would not be in North America to appear at WrestleMania.  Not only that, he has been emphatic about his unwillingness to appear in any storyline that had even a tinge of something to do with Montreal.  It simply wasn’t going to happen.

Well, a few weeks back during a UK interview Bret said that appearing in the HOF was a “possibility” even though he told a North American website that he was “on the fence” about the whole possibility.  Apparently he made the final “deal” in the first week of February.  From what’s being reported, WWE decided to announce it now so as to not have Hart go back and change his mind again.  This way, Hart is pretty much committed to showing up.

I’m absolutely thrilled to hear that Hart will be inducted…it’s well deserved.  I just won’t really believe it’s happening until I see him there.  I’m still reeling.

***

August 18^th - Uhh yeah…Vickie Guerrero…

Guess who’s gone from grieving widow to paid WWE grieving superstar?  If you guessed Vickie Guerrero, then you’d be right!!

What in the blue hell is going on with WWE Creative?  Who in their right mind would think that using Guerrero’s widow to exploit his death in order to “put over” a feud between his best friend Rey Mysterio and his nephew Chavo Guerrero would be a good idea?  Why in the world would Eddie’s widow agree to participate in this disgusting angle?

Well, from what I’ve read, Eddie Guerrero (unfortunately) left his wife with some debt.  Well…a lot of debt, actually.  She reportedly lost or was about to lose her new house after he passed away due to financial problems.  WWE offered to help her out a little bit after Eddie’s passing, but they certainly didn’t agree to finance her home. 

But could it be possible that Vickie simply wants to help out her late husband’s two favorite people?  Could it be that Vickie just wants to be on television?

Well, if anybody believes for a second that Vickie is not back in WWE because she’s desperate for money simply doesn’t know what they’re talking about.  This is exploitation…pure and simple. 

I don’t have a problem with the Rey/Chavo feud, but the inclusion of Vickie and her crocodile tears is just a horrendous idea that needs to be stopped.

I mean, what’s next??

***

July 7^th – The debut of all debuts took place!

Okay, maybe it wasn’t that spectacular.  Still…how could any fan of CM Punk NOT be excited about him finally debuting on television?  Sure, WWE could still f*ck up his “straight edge” gimmick entirely…but I, for one, am absolutely stoked about his debut.

What?  You don’t know who CM Punk is???

Well…here’s a brief history lesson:

§         He started wrestling professionally in 2000 (possibly ’99…but I’m pretty sure it’s ’00)

§         Spent most of 2001 and 2002 working in IWA:MS wrestling with the likes of Colt Cabana, Chris Hero, Rey Mysterio, BJ Whitmer, and Eddie Guerrero

§         Debuted in both TNA and Ring of Honor in 2003

§         He continued to hone his skills against some great wrestlers like Raven, Christopher Daniels, Shane Douglas, Samoa Joe, Vampiro, Terry Funk, Sandman, Kid Kash, Abyss, Steve Corino, Austin Aries, Homicide, Sabu, and AJ Styles

§         Spent the majority of 2004 performing in both ROH and IWA:MS

§         Wrestled Samoa Joe to a 60:00 minute time limit draw that ended up being a Match of the Year contender in the Wrestling Observer

§         Dave Meltzer gave Joe/Punk five stars…the first time he had done so for an American wrestling match since 1997

§         Won the ROH heavyweight title from Austin Aries on June 18th, 2005 just after announcing that he had signed a developmental deal with WWE

§         Won the OVW television championship on November 9th, 2005

§         Won the OVW heavyweight title on May 3rd, 2006

Okay…that’s a really brief lesson on Punk.  The bottom line is that this guy eats, sleeps, and breathes professional wrestling.  He isn’t a high flyer…he isn’t a mat technician…he isn’t a brawler.  He does it all.  He’s a student of the game and has had to put up with more than one Triple H comparison because of his passion for the business.  Not only that, but CM Punk is one of the greatest talkers in the profession today…and that will become very apparent over the next few months (hopefully). 

Punk has been called the “King of the Indies” in reference to the years he has wrestled on the independent circuit.  However, as big as his following is…the majority of the wrestling public has no idea who the heck he is.  Due to WWE (err…umm…ECW) having to completely introduce his character from scratch, there is (as I previously stated) a LOT of fear that they will f*ck it up.

Punk will survive and thrive regardless, imo.  He’s going to be the first break-out ECW superstar and he’ll be on RAW within two years.

He’s simply too good to NOT succeed.

***

February 24^th – The Spirit Squad carried Shawn Michaels.

I’ll say it.  I’ll say it without fear of reprisal.  Shawn Michaels isn’t himself right now.  He was absolutely carried to a good match by the Spirit Squad last Monday on RAW.  It’s no secret that Michaels wants to cut back his schedule after Mania.  He wants to spend more time with his family and that’s perfectly understandable.  I mean, what else does he have to prove?  He’s done it all.  He knows he can come back and perform at just major PPVs and “special” episodes of RAW and be paid very well for it. 

So does that explain his lackluster performance?  Maybe…maybe not.  Maybe Shawn felt he was above wrestling the Squad.  Maybe Shawn simply isn’t enjoying this program between him and Vince that will lead to a match between the two (and maybe Shane, too) at Mania.

Or…maybe the Spirit Squad, despite their gimmick, is comprised of extremely talented wrestlers who will break out and succeed in WWE in spite of their gimmick.  Mind you, only Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter…and to a lesser degree Nick Nemeth…have that potential.  But it was Doane and Jeter that really shone on Monday and made the match with Michaels fun to watch.

Y’know, I’ve been a fan since this group was created and I told you all to be patient and let the gimmick develop before you crap all over it.  Folks…the bandwagon awaits.

***

March 24^th – Vince McMahon is a dancin’ machine.

I don’t care what anybody says about the McMahon/Michaels feud…I think it’s crap.  It’s been Stone Cold vs. Mr. McMahon part deux for weeks now…only a lot worse.  Hell, it hasn’t even been as good as Hogan vs. McMahon.  And y’know I’ve said it before…it’s stupid that WWE wants us to see HBK beat up a 60 year-old man simply because the senior citizen can’t find his inner peace (or whatever the f*ck the reasoning is for this stupid-ass feud).  However, having said all that…I enjoyed the sh*t out of the opening segment of this past week’s RAW. 

No, not because both Vince and Shane were eloquent in a way I’ve never seen before.  No, not because John Cena came out to the squeals of 12 year-old girls everywhere.  No, not because the Spirit Squad opened the show (although I do enjoy their time on camera).  No, not because there was a live rag-time band there playing “When The Saints Go Marching In.” 

No…I really enjoyed the opening segment on RAW simply because at the end of the segment Vince McMahon danced his ass off.  He didn’t just dance, no no no.  Vince danced in a way that the rest of us can only dream of doing. 

Lucky for me (and for all of us, really), there are a couple of great posters on the Insanity Message Board that were quick on the draw in making some animated .gifs of this glorious act taking place. 

Now, if you will, join me in reveling in all that is good in this world by viewing the following soon-to-be classic RAW moment…

Vince's dancing was the highlight of the entire show for me.

My personal favorite...

I love Shane's "giving up" at the end of this one...

***

April 7^th – WrestleMania fallout part one...Mickie James wildly cheered.

It’s been widely noted that the Trish vs. Mickie match was one of the best, if not the best, matches of the night last Sunday.  The beginning was pretty hot, but by the halfway point the crowd was going absolutely nuts for Mickie and booing Trish.  It was mind-boggling to watch.  I must admit that I, too, was also rooting for Mickie to win that night.

So the question then becomes, “Why?”  Why did this crowd cheer so much for Mickie?  Why was so much of the online wrestling community rooting for her victory?  Why did I, and many a wrestling fan, pop when she screamed in joyous fury halfway into the match…almost as if it were a rallying battle cry? 

Was it because we were all so bored with Trish’s character?  Was it because Mickie had done such a magnificent job in her psychopathic ways that she was cheered out of pure respect?  Was it because Chicago was a “cheer the heel” type of crowd?  I’d argue that there is some truth in all of those reasons.  However, there is one more reason that hasn’t gotten a lot of discussion that is the underlying reality to this whole thing…

Men love lesbians.

What?  Yep…I said it.  And in your hearts you all know it’s true.  Mickie James has been playing a lesbian with a crush on her favorite wrestler for the past couple of months now.  Where there was no reciprocation by Trish it was just seen as cutesy and there was no real credence put into it.  But then Saturday Night’s Main Event happened.  Then the heel turn happened.  Then Mickie’s character was taken to a whole other level.  She became…hot.

Don’t get me wrong…she was an attractive woman before.  But there was just something about her dressing in her little mini-skirt with her panties always ending up in a thong-esque nature that was really hot in a bad Catholic school-girl way.  H-O-T, hot.  Not only that, but the kissing of Trish Stratus with a seductively psycho look on her face and blood trickling out of her nose was unbelievably sexy in a sick way.

Ladies, don’t get mad at me because this is the God’s honest truth from a hetero-male’s point of view.  Mickie James played a sexy psycho lesbian character and it was the hottest thing in professional wrestling.  THAT, my friends, is why she was so wildly cheered at Mania.  And I’m certainly not afraid to profess my new-found love for that woman. 

***

October 13^th – Six Degrees of All-Japan Separation

For those of you who tuned into Bull Buchanan’s interview on last weekend’s RFI, you heard that he actually read my column.  He didn’t know my name...but by golly he knew my column.  That’s okay, though...I’ll take it. 

When JG mentioned my name in the list of things that Bull discussed on last week’s RFI, I did a double-take, for sure.  I mean...while everybody on the planet should be reading my column, the fact is that they don’t.  So why would Bull and the boyz from All Japan read World Wrestling Insanity every week? 

Personally, I think it’s because we’re different.  We’re not crapping all over the business that they bust their asses for every day.  We’re not complaining and whining in our columns simply to see how many words we can write down.  There’s no doubt that in the online world of wrestling websites there is a TON of negativity.  We try to bring a change to that...and I think where the guys are over by themselves in another country on another continent, they certainly don’t want to read negativity on a daily basis. 

Well, regardless of the reasons why they read this column, I’m just happy that they do. 

Therefore, in honor of the boyz kickin’ ass and takin’ names in All Japan, I’ve decided to play a little thing that some of you may be familiar with...6 Degrees of Separation.  Normally, this is a Kevin Bacon thing.  However, I’ve decided to change things around a bit.  This time...it’s all about connecting All Japan and yours truly!!  So let’s start with...

...All Japan pro wrestling who currently has...

...Bull Buchanan wrestling for them.  Bull used to wrestle in a faction called...

...the Truth Commission in WWF along with...

...an incredible talent known as Kurrgan.

I saw Kurrgan at the local Empire 8 movie theatre a few months ago.

Ummm....that’s it.

Fun, ain’t it?  Not really?  Well, that’s pretty much all I’ve got.  All I wanted to really do was just give a shout-out to the All-Japan gang.  Thanks for reading, Bull.  Hope all is well with the Voodoo Murderers.  Say ‘hi’ to D-Lo and Ro-Z for me.  Oh...and tell TAKA to stop crying for the love of all that's good and manly. 

***

May 19^th – Homicide...the next ROH champion?

It’s been no secret that Homicide’s been dismayed by his lack of focus or push since joining with TNA.  I completely agree.  He deserves better than that.  He’s given his body and his blood to this business and has provided some absolutely unbelievable matches over the past couple of years.  Konnan's injured and thus TNA fails to see Homicide's potential.

Well, with the CZW vs. ROH feud still not quite reaching its peak yet, having Homicide beat Bryan Danielson and then continue the battle with CZW with the title on the line has money written all over it.  I, for one, hope that Gabe gives him the chance to carry the company as champ.  He’s earned it.

***

June 30^th – Gunner Scott will probably be sent packin’ back to OVW.

Goddamnit!!! 

Yeah…here’s a big f*cking surprise. The poor bastard won ONE match by fluke and has lost every match since.  Then, suddenly, WWE wonders why he's not over??? Here's a reason...


HE SUCKS AS A BABYFACE!!!!


UGH!!!  Why does WWE Creative continue to expose themselves as idiots?? Why can those of us "8-year olds sitting in our parents' basements" realize that:

§         Gunner Scott is a stupid f*cking name 

§         You can't expect a babyface to "get over" when they never win any matches 

§         The babyface you called up from OVW totally sucked ass as a babyface in OVW (see Example #2: Paul Burchill)

Goddamnit...re-telling this information is pissing me off.  I’m really enjoying SmackDown lately, too.  Hell…I don’t even like Brent “Gunner Scott” Albright at all but Jesus…give the guy a chance, will ya??

***

February 17^th – CM Punk has heat with WWE management for appearance in ROH.

Ummm...this is CM Punk "getting heat".  Get it?  Yeah...it sucks, I know.

Are you kidding me??  Christ on a cracker I just cannot get over how much sh*t Punk seems to get in with WWE management on a consistent basis.  I love the guy…I think he’s an absolutely amazing talent both in the ring and on the mic.  If pushed properly, he’s a bona fide superstar.  For some reason, people within WWE see him as a threat because he didn’t “come up” through their system…he’s an “Indy darling” so to speak.

Here’s the situation as it’s being reported.  Last Saturday at the same ROH show that TNA asked their wrestlers to miss, CM Punk was brought in by Gabe Sapolsky to be the big surprise fill-in for Low Ki.  Apparently, Punk got his appearance cleared WITH THE WRONG GUY.  Not only that, but even that “wrong guy” didn’t give him permission to actually wrestle at the show. 

C’mon…there’s only one guy in OVW that you ask permission to and that’s Paul Heyman.  I cannot see Punk asking, say, Dean Hill permission to appear at an ROH event.  Not only that, but Gabe knew exactly what he was asking for when he requested Punk to begin with.  Do you think that Gabe simply asked Punk to come up without going through WWE channels first?  It just doesn’t make any sense to me.

Punk is so popular with the online community because he’s seen as “one of us” like Colt Cabana or Larry Sweeney.  He’s just a regular guy who has wrestled in front of 20 people the same way he’s wrestled in front of a thousand.  He’s a guy who absolutely loves wrestling so much that he worked his ass of for years just for the opportunity fulfill his childhood dream and work for the biggest wrestling company in the world, WWE.  I dunno…I just want so many good things to happen to this guy that when I read stories like this online I get depressed.   I hope it’s all bullsh*t.

***

June 30^th – Finally...a reason to be intrigued by TNA.

I never thought it would only take James E. Cornette to help TNA become slightly more interesting than watching grass grow every week.

Now, some of you have been bitching me out for not being more excited about TNA lately.  Well…I ain’t the only one, people (check out the latest Observer to get Meltzer’s opinions on the subject).  The problem isn’t the in-ring product (although if I see another 10-man X-Division no-psychology spot-fest I’m gonna hurl).  No, the problem has been TNA’s utter lack of anything original in ages. 

Wait…just shut up for a second and let me finish.

The 6-sided ring, an all-steel cage PPV, the King of the Mountain matches…all great innovations that TNA brought to professional wrestling. But what have they done for me lately? 

Team 3-D, Rhino, Christian Cage, Sting, Scott Steiner, BJ James & Kip James, Konnan…does any of thing seem fresh and new to anybody??  Anybody?!?!?  The storylines have been mediocre at best and the wrestling, while good, just doesn’t seem that great when you consider who is in the matches (that is…if you even know who they are).

Don’t get me wrong…TNA has showcased Samoa Joe and Alex Shelley and America’s Most Wanted and AJ Styles and…umm…well…other “home-grown” talent over the past few months.  Err…umm…did I mention AJ Styles?

Now, before uninformed people begin throwing “you’re simply not open-minded” stones my way, just remember that I was the one who started off reviewing TNA’s Impact for this very site before switching over to SmackDown.  I used to love watching it…I really did.  And before you all bitch and moan about the lack of quality on SmackDown…actually try watching the show first.  With the removal of many top names, SmackDown has become fresh and new.

Anyway…without going into detail…I’m interested to see how the James Cornette in TNA show continues.  I really hope it begins Samoa Joe’s NWA championship reign…which would be a MAJOR step in TNA doing something different and original for a change.  They must realize by now that with PPV numbers declining and TV numbers remaining relatively stagnant, that it’s a great time to take a chance and run with it.  Why the hell not??  It’s not like they’ve got anything to lose.

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May 26^th – The Great Khali pinned the Undertaker with a boot to the head.

Out of all the wrestlers and freaks of nature that the Undertaker has wrestled over the past 15+ years, WWE in its infinite wisdom decided that he should lay down for the Great Khali.  It wasn’t that the match was bad because it was.  No…the crazy thing is that Taker went down after a boot to the head.  NOT ONLY THAT…but Khali pinned him with one foot on his chest.  

After his tenure with WWE and where he stands with upper management, there is no way that Undertaker doesn’t have some kind of say in how he’s portrayed.  There is zero doubt in my mind that he agreed to put Khali over.  I don’t know why…but he agreed to do it.  He didn’t just lay down for Mankind or Kane or Steve Austin or Rock without a fight.  For Khali?  He went down like a ton of bricks.  He laid down as if he was narcoleptic.

For Chrissakes not only did Taker lay down…he went down quicker than a $10 whore.

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August 4^th - UMAGA~!

So here’s the deal…I don’t give a flying rat’s ass who says that Umaga~! is what Samoa Joe would have been if he signed with WWE.  I don’t care if people yell out about how Umaga~! is a cheap imitation of Joe.  I don’t care if people bitch and moan about how silly it is to have a “Samoan bulldozer” in today’s wrestling ring. 

The bottom line is that Umaga~! has been a weekly highlight of RAW since his debut.  While some others may not like his manager, I’ve been a mark for Armando Alejandro Estrrrrrrrrrrrrrrada since he was called Osama Rrrrrrrrrrrodriguez Alejandro down in OVW.  I think the reason I’ve enjoyed the former Jamal so much is that he has done what others like the Boogeyman and Finlay have done…he’s taken what could have been a really stupid-ass gimmick and put everything into it in order to make it a success.

I mean, who would have thought Finlay and his leprechaun could have gotten over to the point of being considered a babyface United States champion?  Who would have thought that the Boogieman would have squashed Booker T on Pay-Per-View in under five minutes?  The reason they’ve been successful, and why Umaga~! has been successful, is because they’ve put their heart and souls into the gimmick in order to make it a success.

I may be a massive Triple H fan from years back, but I’m hoping Umaga~!’s winning streak continues through next week’s RAW.

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July 28^th – There are too many drama queens around here.

Once it was announced that Mark Henry, Bobby Lashley, and the Great Khali were all going to be pulled from the Great American Bash line-up there were a lot of whiners going on about how the roster was dying and the PPV would suck.

Three matches into the PPV and it was clearly apparent that the PPV was over-delivering.  Then, due to over-dramatics and bitching and moaning, Big Show and Undertaker had one of the worst matches in history.  Except that it wasn’t.  It was far from the worst, folks.  But because it was slowly-paced and didn’t contain any planchas or hurricaranas it was immediately panned. What was worse was that “critics” immediately began shitting all over the PPV because of the one match. 

Let’s, for the sake of argument, say that the Punjabi Prison Match was absolute shite.  Let’s say that it was a stinker.  Would that one match immediately discount the hard work put forth in the previous three matches?  Should this one match discount the enjoyment of the first hour completely?

Of course not.  But there they were…the IWC…just waiting until the final seconds of the match took place in order to crap over the rest of the PPV even though it hadn’t took place yet.

I’ve made points on this before…I shall continue to do so simply because I believe I’m right…but I think that if you don’t like sports entertainment then you should stop f*ckin’ watching it.  If all you’re going to do is bitch and moan and piss about how good the Rock used to be “back in tha day”, then you deserve to be pointed at and ridiculed. 

Things are different now.  Whether the product is better or worse is entirely up to debate, but the problem is that people have a hard time letting go of the past and moving on.  Things are different now.  Big Show is ECW and you’re not going to get a super hardcore Shane Douglas vs. Raven match for the ECW title any time soon.  Things are different now.  Dwayne Johnson and Chris Jericho have moved on and aren't looking back at this point.  Things are different now.  Kayfabe is here…sometimes.

The point is that the PPV was good and the two horrific matches (the prison match and the car-crash known as the bra & panties match) weren’t really horrific enough to justify crapping on the entire PPV that over-delivered.

WWE put out a better product than TNA this month on both PPV and television.  How often does one actually get to say that?

***

January 21^st – Warrior sues WWE for defamation.

The idiot is back, folks.  And now he’s mad.  Not only is he mad, but he’s mad enough to sue.  Not only is he mad enough to sue, but…oh f*ck who cares?  The man that used to be known as Jim Hellwig is now legally known as Warrior Warrior.

Yes kids.  Warrior Warrior.

Anyhoo, W-squared has filed a lawsuit against WWE over the depiction of his wrestling career in The Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior DVD. I haven’t seen it yet but I’m sure if I need a lesson on how not to wrestle I know where to turn.

Warrior, you lost the respect of your fans a LONG time ago.  I enjoyed who you were when I was a kid…though I’m both baffled and disgusted by who you are now.  You’re an idiot.  And all the big words in the world won’t change the fact that you suck.  Really…how ridiculous are you? 

Suing don’t make the world work. 

HEY WARRIOR!!

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August 18^th – Dear God...please let this be the end.

***

October 6^th – He f*cking lost???

Topping off my list this week...out of all things that made me shake my head over the past seven days was the debut of Jimmy Wang Yang.

For weeks, WWE has promoted this guy as a good ol’ Southern boy who just happens to be of Oriental decent.  He’s a redneck who just happens to be your boy.  Yee-haw.  Giddy-up.

The strange part?   This gimmick was actually getting over.  Whether that was the intent of WWE Creative or not...the gimmick was actually getting over.  When Yang debuted last week, he got a pretty good pop and the crowd seemed to be solidly behind him.  He was borderline-spectacular in the match, too.  Then, of course, he lost.

WHAT???

At this point, I’m absolutely baffled at the booking decision that led us to this point.  I mean, what’s the reason for pushing this guy if you’re only going to job him out when it’s all said and done? 

It’s not like he’s Shannon Moore.

It’s not like he’s Tatanka (buffalo).

It’s not like he’s the Highlanders.

It’s not like he’s Rob Conway.

Hell...it’s not like he’s Rey Mysterio.

On second thought...I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised.  It just seems like a colossal waste of time and money to me.  It’s also a tremendous waste of an opportunity when a wrestler at least has the chance to get over but is cut off before he gets the chance to begin.

Jimmy...I don’t care how many times WWE jobs you out to no-talent hacks like Sylvan...you’re still my boy.

Yee-ha.  

***

October 20^th I still can’t believe Britney married this guy.

Goddammit.  Even two babies later, I have a hard time understanding how this guy...

...married this chick...

...and somehow turned her into this.

And he wonders why he’s hated.

***

November 3^rd – Ouch...

***

November 3^rd - At the Copa...Copacabana...

Nothing says “fun at Halloween” like seeing Colt Cabana dressed like a pink fairy while CM Punk has to keep a straight face in the ring doing an angle with Kelly Kelly and Mike Knox. 

Really...could you keep a straight face if one of your best friends looked like this?? 

***

November 17^th - The POUNCE comes to WWE...period.

Well it’s official.  Monty Brown has signed with WWE.  Everybody sit back and pause and reflect at this moment.  This is the first TNA-bred star that WWE has signed away from TNA.  That, folks, is a big deal.

But what is it about Monty that makes him a star in the first place?  I’ll be the first one to say that I’ve never been a huge fan of the guy.  I thought he had charisma and decent in-ring ability, but I never EVER got his gimmick.

He was a cat.  Period.

He was supposed to be a lion from the Serengeti.  He acted like a caged animal (I guess) on the way to the ring and actually tried to clean himself by licking the ring ropes once he entered the ring.  He wore leopard-print trunks.  He acted like a goof.

Knowing WWE as I do, I would be absolutely SHOCKED to see Monty Brown enter the Fed with the same gimmick he had in TNA.  The official announcement on the site refused to even acknowledge the company, much less his tenure there (and why should they?)...so I don’t expect to see much of anything that’s similar to his prior character.

Except, maybe, for the Pounce.  I hate the catchphrase and I’m not a big fan of the finisher, but Brown’s got a good thing there.  Don’t be surprised if he takes the move and uses it with a new gimmick.

This, however, I found quite humorous:

Despite his confidence in his abilities, Brown said that before he makes his in-ring debut, he will continue to eat, breathe and sleep this business as he closely studies tape after tape of WWE action with his notebook in hand.

“Coming to WWE is a definite blessing and a privilege,” he said. “To come and work for the Mecca of all Meccas, I’m just anxious to start. I’m looking forward to getting in the mix and being part of the WWE family,” Brown added.

Does nobody remember the biggest knock on Monty Brown during his tenure in TNA to begin with?  Jeez...this guy might just be calling Deep South “home” for the next little while.

Oh...and think about this...do you really think that WWE will take the first ever TNA-bred star to “defect” over to WWE and then make him a WWE superstar??  If anything, I potentially see Brown playing the MVP role as glorified jobber.  I mean, how many WCW stars were given fair treatment by WWE?

Good luck, Monty.  I think you’re going to need it.

***

March 24^th - Wait a second…did I see Shawn Michaels throw his piss on Vincent Kennedy McMahon while I was on vacation?

Yep.  I guess I did.  I guess that makes up for that whole place-my-lips-on-your-bare-ass thing.  God does forgive, afterall.

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Anyhoo, thanks for reading everybody.  I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all of you clicking the links that brought you to read my ramblings each and every week.  It means a lot.  I’m looking forward to boring you each and every week in 2007.

Happy new year, ya hosers.