Today I come to you as the bearer of bad news. What’s wrong you ask? Well the ice caps are melting and global warming is at large. Crime is up and teen pregnancy is at all time high. Drunk drivers are on the roads and drug dealers are in our alleys. But you wanna know what the worst part is? Heat is Jobbertown USA once again. Yup, the recaps are over and the crappy matches are back. You wanna know what sucks even more? It’s the same damn matches from last week, the week before and ever since I started doing this review. And today is no different. Well I shouldn’t say that. Today is different. One major component of Heat has sadly left us. That’s right Rob Conway has been fired! Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Good-bye. That’s actually code for see you on Smackdown.

Val comes out and does his usual towel thing as the camera pans over some unattractive females in the audience. Then Eugene comes out (who I have gained some respect for cause he plays his character really well). He starts yelling “I’m special” at the audience and actually sticks his tongue out at some little kids. The match begins with Eugene scurrying out the ring and screaming “I’m not Ready” only to go back in the ring and run out again. Match finally begins with Venis in total control as he nails a couple of elbows and scoop slams. The only reason he’s got the upper hand is cause Eugene hasn’t gone psycho yet. He’s still the scared little boy that doesn’t know what to do. But then it happens, he goes beserk. Outside the ring he rams Val’s back into the ring apron (it almost looked like a shoot) and lets out some primal screams. Then he drags Val to the ropes and viciously chokes him with it. He applies an abdominal stretch with some help from the ropes. The ref catches him but Eugene pleads his case by once again screaming “I’m special”. This is enough of a distraction for SoCal Val, who catches a Russian Leg Sweep. He gains the upper hand with some punches and then stiff knife edge chops. Eugene catches Valley in a sleeper hold but Val reverses it into a swing-out slam as Todd Grisham called it. Ref counts 2 but damnit that was a three. The audience agrees and boos the hell out the ref. Then the Big Valbowski hits a move that I personally haven’t seen in a long time, he runs with Eugene to one side of the ring (not really an Irish whip cause he never lets go) and knees him in the midsection. But when he goes for it on the other side Gene clocks him in the face and then rolls him up with a surprise cover. Mind you he used the ropes for the win.

It was a well played out match. Eugene started off as the scared little “special person” victim to society’s mockery, but as the match progressed he evolved into a looney bin nutcase willing to do anything to win. I liked it. Kinda like the Incredible Hulk. As Bruce Banner he is a harmless being, but as The Hulk he is a mean, green, ass kicking machine.

I don’t believe it. This jobber looks so much like Randy Orton it’s not even funny. Wow the tights, the hair, everything. But cause he’s a jobber and not the Legend Killer he got his ass kicked. Match begins with a lockup. Super Crazy goes all luchador on Madison with lots of arm drags and hiptosses and caps it off with a hurricanrana. Madison gets in a rake to the eyes and starts laying in some punches. But it is to no avail as Crazy comes back with a spinning heel kick. Then a beautiful dropkick for a 2 count. The RKO look-a-like catches a backbreaker and starts working on the back of the former Mexicool. He repeatedly whips his opponent into the turnbuckle. Snapmare takedown and a seated abdomen stretch locked in on Super Duper Crazy Daisy. Crowd cheers as Crazy breaks out with a hiptoss. He nails a springboard dropkick and then just a plain ol’ dropkick. Two seconds later he nails a standing moonsault and three second after that the victory is in the bag.

Why oh why has Super Crazy deserted the damn moonsault off the top rope? Is he saving it for Raw? I doubt he’s ever going back there so c’mon El Senor Loco please hit that moonsault! For me please man. That move makes the match. And without it, it’s not the same!

Before they show the Raw Rebound we hear from Mr. Vladamir Kozlov. This guy looks like he’s got potential. Hopefully he lives up to the hype. But I can’t remember the last time I met someone that didn’t know where they worked. According to him it’s the Double Double E! Nice. I wonder what he would say about the women’s division…Double Double D?

Oh and lots of stuff happened on Raw. Basically this was New Years Revolution hype up time.

I’m pretty sure that this match has never happened on Heat so yay for something new. Vis looks as terrible as usual in some milky white pajamas and Ho ma is in his usual attire. What is ironic is that the first match of the evening had both their partners pitted against each other. It was Vis’s Val vs. Hacksaw’s Eugene. Well Eugen won that, so does that mean Vis will win this? I dunno. They start the match with Viscera as the big fatso showing how much more powerful he is than Hacksaw. He throws Duggan and does a sexy walk around the ring. But Hacksaw gets up and rallies up some USA chants and starts nailing some punches on Viscera. It still amazes me how Hacksaw can get the audience involved with such little effort. He gets Mabel in the corner and nails 10 punches in the turnbuckle. But he can’t get the big man down to the ground so Vis retaliates with a stiff clothesline which sends “the legend” to the ground. Viscera chokes Hacksaw in the ropes and actually taunts the audience. This match is pretty slow, but what do you expect, it’s a fat guy vs. an old guy. Hacksaw finally the momentum back by kicking Vis when he telegraphed a move. Lots of punches, a couple of clothesline and then a dropkick finally sends the big man down. He goes for the cover but only gets a 2. Then just like that Viscera Irish whips Hacksaw and gets him into a samoan drop and don’t bother to sit down cause when you hear this you’re gonna stand up. Viscera won! What??? Viscera actually won a match. When was the last time that happened. The only ones that had a longer losing streak are Funaki and Scotty 2 Hotty.

It was a slow match but I guess I was happy to see Viscera finally get a victory. I mean it’s okay if it’s on Heat. It’s not like anyone’s watching.

All in all Heat was okay I guess. Same ol’ same ol’. The announcers did nothing but talk about New Years Revolution so that kinda got repetitive. So call your local PPV provider and order NYR. That’s what Toddy and Coach would want you to do.

Thanks for clicking the link and I hope you enjoyed it. If you have any suggestions, comments or criticisms then please do tell. My e-mail address is Naeem920@gmail.com or you can hit me up with a PM at the Insanity Message Boards. My username is Naeem920.

Until then I'm Saad Naeem and that was Heat.