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JG's 1/8 Raw Insanity: Rosie O' Donnell Loves Fudgie The Whale, Vince McMahon Loves Donald Trump, and Everyone Loves The Great Khali
By James Guttman
 ...
Lillian Garcia: Ladies and gentlemen, now here to celebrate his victory over John Cena last week….please welcome - being lead to the ring by Johnny Nitro - the one and only Kevin Federline! At this time, Mr. Federline requests that you all rise and respect the singing of his brand new hit single…Britney Just Don't Understand!
(Sung To The Tune Of "Parents Just Don't Understand" By DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince) To Follow Along With The Original Lyrics and Song - Click Here K-Fed: You know Britney was the same
The drinks flowed freely , I was also so high And this Man on a Mission wasn't done with his guy He put on some music and placed another fry order I guess that's why I didn't notice Britney's camcorder We're getting nasty in my wife's backyard And before we could get very far - far When I saw Brit with a camera I was scared as hell I said, "I'm not into dudes, but he humps very well… honey" I almost had a heart attack that day Found the vid on Youtube, now they all think I'm…uh, funny I was dejected, the hot tub was wrecked There was no way for me to get back my respect My fans came over wanting to help me I sent the four of them home and tried to get healthy The press called me up and I got my grip, I said, "It's a misunderstanding! A straight skinny dip!" They didn't buy it I said, "I want to plead my case" But they made double entrendes about me being flat on my face That was a hard night for me, I don't know how I could sleep I had my butt in a sling - While I napped on the street I can't believe it, I just made a mistake Well Britney was the same no matter time nor place So to you, all of you, the wrestling fans, Take it from me Britney just don't understand
Kevin Federline's Encore Not a member? or go to CLUBWWI.com for more information
New Year's Revolution is in the record books. The time for revolving is over. Stop spinning and screw your head on. We have a bunch of questions still left unanswered. What will Shawn Michaels have to say now that his DeGeneration X partner is out of action thanks to the efforts of Rated RKO? Has Ric Flair finally had enough of Kenny Dykstra or will the Nature Boy break out his Albert Einstein mid-match hairdo one last time in an effort to beat the cheerleader? Does John Cena have hell to pay thanks to his victory over the defeated Saaaamoan Bulldozer Umaga? Finally, what exactly did Mr. McMahon mean when he promised "Donald Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell" on Monday Night Raw? Will it involve midgets? These things usually involve midgets. Anyway, start up the Benz, sip your gin and juice, and get ready to play with fire. It's Monday. It's WWE. It's Raw, baby! Last night at New Year's Revolution: Triple H tore his quad while doing a "Double A Spinebuster." Nice going, Arn Anderson. Hope you're proud of yourself.. To his credit, Hunter finished the match. I bet that just thrillllled you - didn't it….Arn Anderson? Huh? Raw Theme Plays. 24 - flippin' sweet.. Grab you socks and drop your you know whats kids. Raw is here and Jim Ross is readyin' himself for a night of action, King. In the main event, we have Donald Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell. In a related story, somewhere right now, Bruno Sammartino is like, "What the f**k?!" Your time is up. The time is now. You can't see him, but John Cena's time is here. J.R. lets us know that The Marine is "as sore as if he was in a car wreck, down to his bone marrow." Ouch. Bone marrow. (JG Note: That might be the indication of something more serious than just a match with Jamal, you know? Hope he's got insurance. Hehe.) John wants us to know what "yanks my noodle." It's when challengers don't let it go. For example, last night Umaga "was telling" (?) people that his loss was a fluke. Well, Cena says that's all noise. Sure, he got his tail bounced to and fro. It reminded J.C. of why the Bulldozer is such a force to be reckoned with. But whatever to that. It's over and the Champ made it. In fact, the Champ is here! The crowd cheers and John grins. He's such a sweet New England boy. Word up, Wonderbread. Speaking of Wonderbread, John Coachman is here to pretend like he has power. Sorry, Pooper. The Samoan Bulldozer is "off" tonight. He's not in the building and he's not here to fight you. Rapper John taunts Fake GM John, but the last laugh is on him. Johnny Coachman has someone for you to fight tonight. Yup. Tonight. Want to know who you'll be facing in a non-title match? It's Raw's newest acquisition. It's someone who's "contract" just expired. It's someone Coach expects "great things from." He is…the Great Khali! (JG Note: Yes! Screw all you guys. I like the Great Khali. We all complain about him, but if you saw him at Denny's, you'd stare at him the whole time. The guy is friggin' huge! He can't wrestle? Fine. Neither could Stephanie. She was Women's Champion. Go Khali! Avenge the dishonorable career of Giant Gonzalez!) On a side note - how short was Khali's ECW Contract? He was there for like a month. Geez. No wonder they went out of business. Video Recap of the Donald Trump vs. Rosie O'Donnell feud. This is crazy. Speaking of which, Vince McMahon is standing by in back. He compares tonight's show to Andre vs. Hogan, Rock vs. Austin, and Bruno Sammartino vs. Billy Graham. (JG Note: If Bruno wasn't saying it before, he's saying it now.)
Commercial Break. Seems like a good time to remind you guys to check out this week's JG‘s Radio Free Insanity featuring Kevin Nash. Also, on the free main page of ClubWWI.com, you can hear some of the quotes from the unedited interview. Vince McMahon is setting up a Fudgie The Whale Ice Cream cake for Rosie O'Donnell. She eventually arrives…and it's an impersonator. She looks like her, but talks sort of like she's auditioning for Grease. Rose doesn't want to hear what Vince has to say and instead chooses to gobble down the ice cream cake. Pretty lame segment. The sad thing is that even if this gets mainstream attention, it's so clichéd and not funny that it won't do any good. It was the normal form of WWE skit-humor. They beat you over the head with the point and used clichéd bits to get it across. Also, I'm still wrapping my head around all this. I hope this thing evolves past the whole, "Donald Trump gets publicity for bullying Rosie O'Donnell. I should too. I'm Vince McMahon, damnit" premise. Hey Jeff. You're on. They're playing your music. Yo. You wanna hear a song? No. They're playing your music. Oh. My bad. Here. Hold my magic fish and smelly markers. I have a job to do. Jeff…the ring's the other way. That's the closet. Just checking to make sure there's paper towels. Here I go. To infinity and beyond! 1. Intercontinental Champion Jeff Hardy pinned Kenny Dykstra after a Swanton Bomb. I'm really high on Kenny at this point. He's doing well for himself and has always shown talent and passion. Sometimes you can just watch a guy perform and see how excited he is. Ken always shows that and looks like he loves what he does. In case you missed my Real Time coverage of New Year's Revolution, Jeff Hardy won his cage match against Johnny Nitro with a pretty cool spot. Nitro ended up straddled on the top of the cage door as it swung open. It was one of those moments where you immediately picture it happening to your and then wince in pain. Despite his brain-scrambling cage match last night, Jeff still brought out all the ammo he could for Dykstra. The announcers sold the IC Champion as "not at 100%" so you all but knew there would be a title change. Then Johnny Nitro ran out and you were totally convinced that there would be a title change. Then…snap! Ric Flair runs in and gives K.D. a low-blow. No title change for you! Hardy hits the Twist of Fate and then the Swanton Bomb for the finish! Great ending. As the match came to a close, Jim Ross said that Kenny Dykstra knew it was Ric Flair and "not Mookie Wilson" that hit him. It's things like this that make Jim Ross the best commentator ever. Ha ha. Rosie O'Donnell is eating ice cream. Ha ha. She's fat. Ha ha. She's going into the divas locker room. Oh no. Fat diva. Look out. Ugh. Unless Rosie O'Donnell shows up, then this whole thing baaaaaalows. Commercial Break. If you get the new EnV phone from Verizon, they send you Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box. Triple H tore his quad last night and requires surgery tomorrow. He will be out between four and six months. It sucks. DX was finally starting to do some better stuff and, no matter what, they still remained over. It's never good to see someone get injured. We wish him a quick recovery. Rosie O'Donnell is in the divas locker room and she's checking out Maria's boobs and butt. Get it? She' s a lesbian. Yeah. Once that stupidity ends, we go to my favorite segment of the night. Todd Grisham is standing next to Great Khali's right nipple. He shows us some footage of the Great One's Great career in the great WWE. Great. Then, when you think it can't get greater…it does! Khali proceeds to give the weirdest promo in wrestling history. He stares intensely into the eyes of the freshly clean-shaven Grish - and completely straight faced - says: "Berry day da John Cena say. Mary base and it all depends glestean. Slaten boosh slamben highman. Wish moofer die alright. Be shooten loopin Im abiden on the wand holly. Do the sala de serra! Ven gen the jaw Shency. I'm! The Great! Khali!" If this was a real language, then I apologize, but something tells me people who speak that language would be like, "Huh?" Commercial Break. Vince McMahon's new favorite cartoon. Still to come: John Cena vs. Our Favorite Wrestler. 4. Melina and Victoria defeated Maria and Mickie James when Melina pinned Maria. Oh yes, it's ladies night and the feelin's right. We have ourselves a tag team match here with all of Rosie's favorite girls;. They did the Bronco Busters and all that jazz. The match was only a few minutes long. That should be long enough for some of you to…you know. Finish. We take a look backstage at the fake…oh God. Donald Trump. He has big hair. Jim Ross says that people will be talking about this segment tomorrow. I hope not. I really hope not. I know it could be good publicity if it goes well, but something tells me this is going to be "bowling shoe ugly." Commercial Break. John Cena and Jarred from Subway are doing commercials. Jarred likes the sandwiches because they have "less fat." Cena likes it because he likes putting "poopie in it." I don't know. I wasn't listening too closely. It was something like that. WrestleMania Recall: Goldberg gets punked out by Steve Austin. Bill leaves. WWE keeps the footage. Thanks, man. That's all we needed. Just that tape. It's time for Rosie O'Donnel vs. Donald Trump. Vince McMahon makes the introductions and starts with Rosie.Vince announces "the double chinned diva" with her "lesbianic fury." This is friggin crazy. Her music was very Viscera-like. After Rosie waddles to the ring, Vince intros "The Donald." With the Apprentice theme playing and J.R. singing the praises of the NBC reality show, you know the deal. Even though Trump has his own imitator with a big toupee, it was nowhere near the beating O'Donnell is getting. 3. Donald Trump beat Rosie O'Donnell with a…oh. Who cares? God help us all. The referee tries to explain the rules in an extended face-off. When the talking ceases, "Rosie" comes out and holds her stomach. She runs to ringside and eats her Fudgie the Whale Cake. The crowd seems to be growing…restless, as they say. When she re-enters the ring, The Trumposter talks some smack and the two tie up. Rose tosses Donald to the mat and the crowd finally starts a boring chant. It doesn't last long, but the point is made. It's so lame and pointless. There’s a small "this match sucks chant" and it's answered by a Donald headlock. O'Donnell made her way out of it and the crowd was booing even more than before. As Vince McMahon watched on intently, the crowd rings out with a massive "boring chant." Holy cow. Even worse, "Rosie" does the Hulk Hogan ear to it! (JG Note: Ah! Is that why they showed the Bill Goldberg-Brock Lesnar match? Did they know?) Then the TNA chants started…wow. It was pretty loud on TV. When "Donald" tried to lift Rosie for body slam, he collapsed and the ref counted. The crowd - thinking it was the finish - cheered, but booed when it was two. The Donald had an answer for this. His answer was a Fudgie-to-the-Face. He followed up and scored the pin. This was painfully bad. Painfully, painfully bad. That TNA chant was insane. Still to come: Great Khali vs. John Cena. Man. This is going to be a show you keep on tape. There hasn't been a complete World Wrestling Insanity-style episode of Raw in a while. This one is just hitting on all crazy cylinders.Commercial Break. When banks compete, you win. Yes, but when we all agree not to fight, then don't we all really win? Ah. No fightin'. No fightin'. I spit in the face of Masterpieces! That's why I'm not allowed in the museum! Carl-ito…Carl-ito… 4. Carlito Cool pinned Chris Masters after the Backcracker. Jim Ross says that Chris Masters has great tendon strength. Chicks did tendon strength. Right off the bat, these guys went off on each other with punches. Good for them. The crowd starts to get into it a little bit and I can't tell if following Rosie-Donald was a good spot for these guys or a bad one. The fans pop for Torrie Wilson's appearance, at least. I don't know. That last segment was really bad. It made ya sad, you know? Anyway, it all came to a close when Wilson got involved and allowed her pseudo-boyfriend or whatever to hit the Backcracker. The finish got a good reaction and all was right in the end. Now we just have to wait for Great Khali! Yes! Khali, baby! Big ups in 07! Video Recap of DeGeneration X destroying Rated RKO…but not winning the tag titles. After the match, Hunter was taken away and it appeared that Randy and his Canadian friend got the last laugh. Edge and Randy Orton are here. The Rated R Superstar has a black eye while the young Orton is wearing a Bobby Heenan neck brace minus the bowtie. What to do they have to say? Watch the commercials. Then, if you're good, maybe then. But only if you're good… Commercial Break. Yo. The "Fitness Made Simple" guy has crazy hair!
Rated RKO is in the ring. Edge, cap on head, looks into Randy Orton's booing hometown crowd, but can't speak. Randy's there to catch you when you fall, bro. Orton takes the microphone and introduces a video of DeGeneration X. It's from their promo last week. Listen to this shiart! - Triple H threatens to tear their flesh and leave them laying. Karma. Ooof. Randy, who looks like he's trying to act hurt but just seems like he's doing too much vicodin, introduces a video of what Rated RKO said before their match with DX. - Edge promises to end DeGeneration X. Oh no. Double proof. Orton explains that there's winning a battle and winning the war. Sure the tag champs got pounded pretty hard by HBK and the Game, but goshdarnit to Timbuktu, the RKO boys are the ones who won the war. "Tons of blood" was lost. Every step that Randy takes leaves him in pain…but it was worth it. "Rated Rko has done what no one else has been able to do and that is end DX." Edge takes the mic and continues the speech. Let's look back on all those who failed to stop DeGeneration X…shall we? Spirit Squad: "Please." Big Show: Went to ECW and retired. Vince McMahon: Had his head shoved up Big Show's ass. Shane McMahon: Had the silver spoon kicked out of his mouth. Now, all that being said, it's time for the RKO to seal the deal. Next week on Raw, we'll see Shawn Michaels in a handicap match against Rated RKO! That's right. "DX is on life support. Next week, we're gonna pull the plug. Next week, DX will finally be dead." This is met with the music of you-know-who. The guy who does the lip thing, Jack. Shawn Michaels arrives and looks beat up. He says he's here out of respect for St. Louis (St. Louis Note: That's us! Yeah! Cheer!) The Heartbreak Kid wants to address the question of whether DX is dead or not. That answer is…"I don't know." Great answer. Why did you come to St. Louis again? What was the point of the trip? Anyway, HBK does the lost-my-smile tear face and looks intensely at this opponents. Triple H is getting surgery tomorrow and The Boy Toy will be right there by his side. Once he does that…he'll deal with the culprits. Beavis and Butthead stare on as we go to commercial. This was supposed to be really heavy stuff. They were all solemn and ended without saying anything. You know - soap opera style. Deep. Commercial Break. Who will be The Nashville Star? Is that the show that Jeff Jarrett won four years ago? 5. Cryme Tyme defeated Trevor Murdoch and Lance Cade when JTG pinned Murdoch Poor Trevor and Lance. I had such high hopes. I liked the gimmick. I liked the vignettes. In the end, it was all for nothing. Now they only exist to serve as stooges or stepping stones. As for Cryme Tyme, people dig 'em. They have crazy potential and could accomplish a lot if they keep their momentum. I just can't help but think that they might really get over if they played heels. Flip this gimmick around and you have something totally different. This one ended when Shad slammed Murdoch's head into the turnbuckle, causing him to stumble back into a JTG roll-up. Commercial Break. Office PC lets you spend more time working from home. It's for wives to get for their husbands and then get mad at them and then accuse them of not wanting to work from home more. In other words, Office PC is selling arguments to women. The announcers show us a replay of our shared embarrassment as wrestling fans earlier. They actually start the clips at the point where the TNA chant began. Backstage, Rosie O'Donnell weeps openly. Ron Simmons is there to lend her a helping catchphrase. Yeah…damn. You know the routine. Jerry Lawler is at ringside with Vladimir "Don't call me Victor" Kozlov and he's trying to Great Khali's gimmick. He talks in a heavy accent and says he can beat both the Great Giant and John Cena. This guy has some real Ludvig Borga charm to him. I'm looking forward to his debut. "I love Double Double E! I love Double Double E!" Eugene is backstage talking to an extra about how awesome John Cena is. He beat Umaga! No one ever did that! Unfortunately for Gene, he didn't check to see who was around. Great Khali came up from behind and frightened Poor Nick Dinsmore away. I told you, man. That sumbitch is huuuuge! Commercial Break. Don't step to Tigger. Ehhhhhheehehhehe….come on all see the greatest show....Most people don't like these odd-i-ties! Most people… Yo! What are you doing? I'm playing Khali's music. No! That's not his music. Oh. I haven't watched wrestling much since the late 90s. Isn't that the Kurgan guy? 6. The Great Khali defeated WWE Champion John Cena via disqualification Armando sat at ringside for this one and said he had a vested interest in the match. Can you guess where he's going with this? Chances are, you put these two together as soon as Khali showed up without Davari and did that berry-shlopin-jibber-jabber promo. The match started with Khali standing center ring and no-selling everything that came his way. He tossed the champ into the ring post and screamed to the crowd to little reaction. Then, for some reason, John tried a scoop slam. Why? I have no clue. Hey. forearms don't work. Maybe I can slam this guy. Right. Of course it didn't work. The only thing that might is a steel chair. Thank God that Armando grabbed one and ran to the ring with it. John just took that and slammed it over Lord Khaliflower's head. Ding. Ding. Ding. The Great One…no-sells it. Yup. No sold the chair shot. That man is no joke. If you don’t like him, you best get to liking him. After Khali does the beat-down thing, Estrada runs into the ring and does the signal…signaling a truly insane visual. Umaga comes tearing through the crowd and into the ring. He was like the Tazmanian Devil. There was just a cloud of dust and slobber. Once inside, he pounded the WWE Champion into the middle of next Monday. He hit the Samoan Spike and took John down. The punishment ended with The Doctor of Thuganomics writhing in agony while the Samoan Bulldozer screamed at invisible people. We have a new crazy-ass stable on Raw and it's truly crazy-ass. The Great Khali and Umaga have both destroyed the reigning Champion of the World. It's Umagamania running wild, baby. All hail the Great Khali. Now fade to black. All in all…Wow. I, uh…wow. OK. I like the Great Khali. I honestly do. In fact, I think that by giving him this run, WWE is using him in the best possible way. This is what he should be doing. He should be presented as an immovable monster. That's what he looks like. When you put him in the ring with a guy like Undertaker, who's already tall, it makes him lose his mystique. The no-selling was a good touch too. Finally WWE might be using a giant to play a giant…instead of a rapist or poet or baby-killer or whatever. Here's what made the Rosie O'Donnell-Donald Trump thing so bad. Vince McMahon will waste countless minutes of live TV so he can get a one minute video package. I get cheap pub. I understand the reasoning. But when your crowd is so turned off by it, they boo it, you have to wonder. These weren't "smart marks." Cena got cheered. No. They were just tired of being insulted with the ol' bait and switch. It also seemed like overkill in the Rosie department. The lesbian references were the most desperate attempt. O'Donnell is hyper-sensitive to that and started a whole thing with Kelly Rippa over Clay Aiken. Oh…and Kevin Federline doesn't exist. You'd think John Cena would be pissed, right? Guess not. K-Fed. Poof. Memory deleted. I can't believe that most of my thoughts on tonight's Raw have so far involved Rosie O'Donnell, Donald Trump, Kelly Rippa, and Kevin Federline. Man. So there it is. WWE Raw is Weird Celebrity Skit Show. Then again, we got the Great Khali. So go out and get your giant foam fingers, kids. The Great One has come home. There you go, guys. Remember to listen to this week's explosive edition of JG‘s Radio Free Insanity featuring Kevin Nash. Big Daddy Cool talks DX, Oz, N.W.O, John Cena, and so much more. It's part of his 47 minute shoot on ClubWWI that features a ton of quotes. You can hear a free preview of some on RFI or by going to the main page of the Club. Check out Tuesdays with Tom tomorrow on ClubWWI and a brand new Breaking News from the Canadian Bulldog…who's just sobering up from New Years. Be Well! Thanks for sharing the Insanity!
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| © 2005-2007 All content contained here Copyright 2006 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion. |
