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1/15 WWE Raw: Mallory’s Ongoing Coverage of the Show
By Mallory Mahling
 ...
Tonight's show was live from the Centurytel Center in Bossier City, Louisiana.
The show started with a tribute to the late Martin Luther King. Long live the dream.
Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler welcomed viewers to the show as John Cena made his entrance.
(Hope you had a chance to see Cena, Batista, and Ashley on “Extreme Makeover-Home Edition” last night. They did WWE proud.)
Cena joined Jonathan Coachman in the ring, where a table and chairs had been set up. Umaga and Armando Alejandro Estrada came out next. Umaga is going to sit down and sign a contract??? Apparently not…Umaga tossed the chair aside.
Coach explained that he had decided that Armando would be making the decision as to the type of match between Cena and Umaga for the Royal Rumble. It would be a Last Man Standing Match. Armando picked up the pen and signed the contract on behalf of Umaga.
Then it was Cena’s turn to sign. He said he was just crazy enough to sign the contract, then he lit into Umaga for a practice session and Estrada got an F-U through a table.
(Commercial break)
(1) Mixed Tag Team Match: Melina & Johnny Nitro vs. Jeff Hardy & Maria. Maria and Hardy made a good team, looks-wise. The crowd was supporting Jeff with loud “Hardy” chants. Maria held her own this week as she battled Melina. Swanton Bomb on Nitro and the winners were the team of Maria and Jeff Hardy.
Coach was trying to put a good face on his contract signing debacle in front of the boss. Mister McMahon ignored him and dialed up his good friend Donald Trump. He couldn’t get through. (Maybe The Donald saw last week’s show.) An embarrassed McMahon tried not to look foolish in front of Coach.
(Commercial break)
Edge and Randy Orton came out to a chorus of boos. DX’s theme started, then the sound of a heart monitor flat-lining was played. My, what a wonderful sense of humor those guys have.
“YOU SUCK,” came the unrelenting chants of the crowd.
Orton was delighted that he and Edge would be taking on Shawn Michaels in a handicap match tonight. Edge said HBK had made his television debut in Bossier City and Hacksaw Jim Duggan had been there that night. Then Orton and Edge went behind the curtain and dragged out an unconscious Duggan. Edge and Orton gave Hacksaw a ConChairto, as referees and agents ran out to try to help Duggan, who was bleeding from the mouth.
(Commercial break)
That new Axe commercial looks like a commercial for the next Diva Search. Thousands of babes in bikinis.
“Whoooooooooooooooo!” Guess who?
(2) Ric Flair vs. Kenny Dykstra. Could J.R. please let up on the references to Kenny’s age. Geez. The youngest vs. the oldest. We get it. The two locked on simultaneous Figure Fours. Chops were being served by Flair, then Flair pinned Kenny with a foot on the ropes for leverage. Flair killed Kenny again this week, and Kenny wasn’t happy about it.
(Commercial break)
Shawn Michaels was shown arriving at the building. Todd Grisham advised him about what had happened to Jim Duggan. Michaels said he intended to do what he had to do a-l-o-n-e.
Ric Flair ran into Michaels in the hallway and told him he had his back if he needed him.
McMahon was still waiting for Donald Trump to call him back. Coach asked why he wanted to talk to Trump so urgently. VKM pulled a letter out of his pocket; it was from Trump saying that he’d seen last week’s skit and thought it was poor comedic satire. He urged Vince to show compelling television this week.
Uh, oh.
McMahon’s words as the show went to commercial was that if Trump wanted compelling television, that’s what he’d give him.
(Commercial break)
“No Chance In Hell” hit and McMahon strutted out with a laundry list of complaints about Trump’s taste in television, specifically The Rosie vs. The Donald.
To refresh your recollection, highlights (and I use the term loosely) of last week’s big match were shown. McMahon said he thought it had been a brilliant skit. In spite of the taunts from the crowd, he showed it again in slow motion.
The high-minded Mister McMahon questioned Trump’s actions with regard to the Miss USA pageant. A disheveled Torrie came out all dressed up as Miss USA and confessed that she’d been bad and asked what she could do to make it up to him.
Carlito came out to rescue Torrie from this pointless, time-wasting skit. Carlito said that “despite what McMahon might think, he was not cool. That thing with Rosie O’Donnell last week was bad. Really bad. In fact, it sucked. The thing with Torrie is brutal,” he continued. “People don’t want to see stupid skits; they don’t even want to see McMahon talk. They want to see people fight.”
(Carlito is my hero!)
Carlito had voiced everyone’s criticisms of the past week. McMahon said if Carlito wanted to see people fight, then people could see him fight the Great Khali.
(3) Carlito vs. Khali. Carlito didn’t stand a chance as McMahon made sure Klumzy Khali won. Torrie was in tears as she tried to comfort Carlito.
The crowd said it all: “YOU SUCK.”
“Now that’s cool,” added McMahon before he left the ring.
(Commercial break)
(4) Women’s Title Match: Mickie James vs. Victoria. Decent match. Mickie won and The King got to work in all the innuendos he possibly could.
(Commercial break)
Someone finally remembered that a sergeant in Baghdad had been the first to break the Master Lock, and that was shown as Chris Masters made his way to the ring with a note from his mother…uh…Mister McMahon, stating that due to outside interference, the Master Lock had not been officially broken. Masters issued a challenge to anyone in the back to come out and try to break the Master Lock.
DAMN!!! Ron Simmons thought he’d come out to give it a try. Masters said he hadn’t meant for Simmons to accept the challenge and asked for someone else to come out.
Simmons knocked Masters on his butt and sat down. Lots of hemming and hawing on Masters’ part, then he locked it on. Simmons hulked up and appeared to be about to break the Master Lock, but Super Crazy jumped in and attacked Masters before Simmons had a chance to officially break the Master Lock.
“DAMN!!!,” said Simmons.
(Commercial break)
Grish was backstage with “BREAKING NEWS.” Ric Flair had been knocked out in his dressing room and medics had swarmed to the scene. The suspects were—who else—Edge and Randy Orton. Details at eleven. (Just kidding.)
(5) JTG of Cryme Tyme vs. Shelton Benjamin (w/Charlie Haas). Cryme Tyme stole the match…and probably a wallet or two.
Grish had an update. Flair had been carted away in an ambulance.
Michaels ran up and said he was not going down alone and superkicked Grisham. He had flipped out. (I smell a heel turn.)
Footage of Triple H’s visit to Dr. James Andrews in Birmingham and the subsequent surgery to repair his quad.
Edge came out and did a passable imitation of Triple H’s “Are you ready” bit and got jeered for his trouble. Orton jeered the people in the audience with DX signs and sent security to take all the signs away.
(Commercial break)
(6) Handicap Match: Rated RKO (Edge & Randy Orton) vs. One-Half of Degeneration X (Shawn Michaels). Shawn Michaels came out with determination on his face. He hit the ring swinging, but it turned into a lop-sided beat down soon enough. HBK was busted open and wore the proverbial crimson mask. Edge went for a spear, but Michaels dodged it and Orton got it instead. HBK sprang to his feet and came off the top with a high risk move, but nearly got himself counted out upon landing. Michaels started to tune up for the chin music, but Edge speared him. Edge brought two chairs into the ring and the referee called for the bell and a DQ. Edge continued with his ConChairto, but HBK kicked the chair into Edge’s face. HBK with low blows for both Edge and Orton, then he went under the ring for Triple H’s sledgehammer, which he used on Orton and Edge. The match ended with Edge getting out of harm’s way and HBK giving Orton a ConChairto as Edge looked on in dismay.
The best thing about tonight’s show was Carlito speaking for a majority of the audience. I could have done without the reminders of last week’s Rosie/Donald match, as well as this week’s addition of Miss Universe to the repertoire of corny skits. I kept waiting for a surprise during the main event that would add someone to the mix during the absence of Triple H. Oh well.
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| © 2005-2007 All content contained here Copyright 2006 by James Guttman *** World Wrestling Insanity and ClubWWI are not affiliated with any wrestling promotion. |
